JUSTIN

It was the day I was getting married and my mind was clear of doubts. My only thoughts were on how lucky I was that Brian never gave up on us. How he never questioned anything about me, just went along with me, giving me what I needed to see that he was what I needed. I might have said I loved him, but at the time it was lust, not love. Love happened later for both of us. It’s why I didn’t doubt that we’d grow old and gray watching our family grow, together. It’s something Molly said when I had gone to talk to her. She could see he was important to me, and it scared her. She wasn’t excusing what she did, just trying to explain what she was feeling. Molly didn’t show up for the wedding dressed to impress. She didn’t care if anyone looked at her and told me that for once she wanted it to be about me. My mom asked to talk to me, and Brian whispered in my ear to give her a chance. Which was why I did, and Brian ran off with Molly and Gus, giving my mom and me time alone. Pop and Nana let me know that after she and I talked, if I wanted her gone, they’d send her away. Mom knew they weren’t joking when Pop told her, because he didn’t threaten, he followed through.

“They were always trying to get it through my head not to repeat their mistakes with me. Only, I did, with you. I ignored everything, wanting to pretend everything was perfect. I pretended I didn’t hear how your father really felt about you being gay. I pretended the men he was bringing to meet you were in your best interest. And when you walked away, I pretended it was because you didn’t understand your father was trying to look out for you. I stayed with your father as my punishment for letting him hurt you… No, I stayed because I didn’t want my parents to know I’d made a mistake. I stayed because they were never as proud of my life as they were of yours. Which makes it worse, because I was jealous of my own son. There was a time when I wanted to break free of the restraints I put on myself, not to care what anyone thought of me, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t be like my mother, defying convention and not letting other people’s opinions matter. Only, it cost me so much. It cost me you, and my self respect. I didn’t leave your father because he cheated, that was normal for us. I left because I wanted to find the woman I no longer was, the one who would have fought for you when your father tried to control you,” She told me.

“It must have been there, because you did fight him when you found out he was still trying, through Molly,” I told her, giving her something she needed to hear.

“Only I stayed and let him continue to drive you from our lives, once again pretending it was your fault. I understand why you haven’t even wanted to try,” She told me.

“I likely would still not want to, but Brian sees something in you worth my time. For him I would do anything, since he wants to do everything for me,” I answered.

“I’ve never felt that kind of love,” She admitted.

“I spent my life not wanting to feel it, because all I could see was the way you gave in to Dad. Only, Brian got past the wall I tried to keep between us, and I knew he wouldn’t want me to change who I was to be with him. I didn’t want to be like you, and now I know that being with someone doesn’t mean I have to change who I am. Brian would have stayed even if it meant chasing me around the world,” I told her.

“You did change though, because you stopped,” She said, wincing when it sounded judgemental.

“It’s the only thing that changed. But it was because in the end it was what I wanted, a home. Something I never really had growing up in the Taylor family. Something you didn’t have growing up either. So what you did hurt, because in order for me to have you in my life, it came with expectations and conditions. I want my children to know that nothing they do or become will ever change that they are loved and important to me. It’s why I don’t care what the sex of the baby is, because there are no expectations or conditions my child will have to meet in order for me to love him or her. Which is something I learned from Brian; he loves his son in the way every child should have. He doesn’t let the things that made it impossible to see Gus, hurt Gus. He never blamed Lindsay and Mel, but made Gus understand that they all loved him and made mistakes. It’s what I need from you, to know you can love me even when what I do isn’t what you approve of,” I told her.

“All I can do is show you. I’d like to walk you to Brian. It gives me hope that maybe there are more like him in the world, and maybe we can break the curse of being a Taylor,” She told me.

“I was never a Taylor, but maybe we can find the Marshall inside of you,” I told her.

BRIAN (the night before)

Daphne, Ben, Drew, and Blake took off with Justin, while I got stuck with Mikey, Emmett, and Ted. Before we went out, Deb asked to speak to me alone. Mikey snickered, saying at least he avoided the marriage talk with her. Like everyone does for Deb, I indulged her need to mother me.

“I think we’re past the sex talk,” I joked.

“I think you were way past me in that area when we met,” She answered, laughing, before getting serious. “I want to say that Justin couldn’t have picked a better person to tie his life to. That through all the bullshit you had to hear from us, none of us ever believed you were anything but a good man. I know at one time I tried to help you find a way to have your family in your life, but it was only wanting you to have it all,” She told me.

“I know Mom. I know everything you did was just you hoping for all of us to be happy,” I told her, wiping the tears off her face.

“It was also selfish. I wanted my son to know there was more to life than what I showed him. You did that for him, and he found Ben. You gave him a reason to let go of you, and find the love I always wanted for him. Now I’m here thanking you for finding the love I wanted for you,” She told me, smiling through her tears.

“I waited my whole life for someone like him,” I answered.

“Do an old lady a favor and find what it took Carl to show me. Love him, support him, and make me babies to spoil,” She asked.

“Gus would love someone to take over the cheek pinchings for him,” I joked.

“You know I love you,” She said.

“It’s in everything you do for me. Now let me take the boys out for our last night as us,” I told her, kissing her cheek.

We made it to the bar Mikey had looked up in a travel guide. Guys were everywhere, meeting up, looking for a trick, and in general having fun. I fended off the advances as they came and tried, even Ted got hit on as he went to get drinks. Mikey, apparently drunk on a few shots, decided to give me the marriage talk, since he was the authority among us. Ted and Emmett both giggled as Mikey tried to be serious, drunk off his ass.

“Being mar *hic*… married means the end of our childhood. We’re adults now… Jesus, look at that guy’s ass… Anyway, there’s things you have to give up… I didn’t think that was possible,” Mikey continued, seeing a guy on the bar bend over and kiss a guy through his legs.

“Focus. And yes, some guys are flexible,” Emmett said, snapping his fingers at Mikey when he couldn’t look away.

“Right. Right... um you think Ben would like it… never mind. So like I was saying... What was I saying?” Mikey asked.

“Something about giving up?” Ted questioned, before taking another shot.

“No, Brian can’t give up, Justin fits with us. Oh wait, it was that life isn’t going to be the same again. I mean you have a kid on the way, and all,” Mikey said, like any of us understood what he was talking about.

“I already have a kid, remember?” I asked him.

“But this baby will be different. He or she is about you wanting it, not doing it to give us what we wanted,” Emmett told me.

“For the first time, you love the guy,” Mikey said, with a touch of sadness at what could have been, even when I never saw it the same way.

“Mikey, I love you, but it was just not in us to be more,” I told him.

“I know. And if Ben hadn’t come into my life, I think I would have hated Justin for it. Only, he’s everything you needed, something I wasn’t capable of being for you. So I want to toast you for not letting anything deter you from finding someone to love as much as I love Ben. Hopefully, Ben will get that by being with him, I don’t care what I gave up to be the one he loves. You’re lucky, because Justin sees that,” Mikey said, not seeing Ben standing there. 

I could see in Ben’s face that he was finally getting that Mikey didn’t regret anything that came with being with him. I looked around for Justin, and Ben tilted his head at the bar. Justin was standing with Daphne and Molly as a guy felt him up. I got up to kill the toucher, only to hear the guy saying he wanted to have a baby too. Justin smiled, looking down at the bump he’d been bitching about, then smiled at me when I walked over.

“So, other than carting the rest around to get their party on, my night was spent being felt up,” Justin joked.

“And being hit on. It’s like some big turn on to guys,” Daphne said, giggling.

“Please, Justin just has to turn on the innocent look and they all flock around him. I tried, but all it got me was a bunch of losers thinking they needed to be my daddy,” Molly said, laughing at Justin’s look of horror that his baby sister might not be so innocent.

“Relax, the only good thing having Dad around was him running off anyone who might interest me,” She told us.

Which only said Craig was waiting until Molly could be of use by staying innocent. Which we could deal with some other time. I kissed Justin, to keep him from likely flying to kill Craig. Justin’s hands were all over me, and he whispered we should leave.

“Oh no you don’t, he can wait. You have the rest of your life to screw like bunnies,” Daphne said, loud enough that the whole bar could hear her.

“I invited Lawrence to come. In fact, he’s likely checking in to the hotel right now,” I told her. 

“Sorry Justin, naked time,” Daphne said, running in the wrong direction for the door.

“I’ll just make sure she finds her way to naked time,” Molly said, taking off after Daphne.

“So Mr Kinney, what shall we do?” Justin asked, smirking when he felt proof of what I wanted to do.

Justin and I both turned to watch the horror of karaoke and the fact that Ben’s voice was as bad as Mikey’s. I’m sure if the singer of ‘Lifehouse’ ever heard Ben’s version of ‘I’m falling even more’, they would be ready to cry. The only thing that saved it for me was when Justin sang along with him, while looking at me.