They should have realized sooner. It was obvious to everyone else, which they knew because several people—peers, friends, parents—asked them if they were dating. They laughed it off like it was the most ludicrous idea in the world. They would say, “She’s my best friend!” That was never a reason why they couldn’t be dating, of course, just a reason that it appeared as though they were. Lexa had never felt such a strong desire to always be around someone, and Clarke had never felt so happy when she made someone laugh. They both thought this was just a particularly strong friendship. It seemed reasonable to them both.

But, love is a blinding thing and sometimes humans don’t see what is directly in front of them.

Clarke realizes what she is feeling before it’s even an inkling in Lexa’s mind. She figures it out shortly after winter break, but she keeps it to herself. She lets things continue between them just as they always have, with inside jokes, movie nights, and soft platonic touches and hand-holding. Clarke convinces herself it doesn’t mean anything because Lexa is her best friend and there’s no way Lexa could like Clarke in the same way. It’s an impossibility that she doesn’t want to linger on, but it’s hard not to linger when they just keep getting closer in every way.

When Clarke tells her father one night, sitting in the living room in front of the fireplace, that she might have a crush on Lexa that won’t go away, he tries (and fails) to encourage Clarke to tell her. Clarke adamantly refuses, “I don’t want this to change anything between us. If it doesn’t work out, I’ll lose one of my best friends.”

“You’ll never know if you don’t try, Clarke.”

“I know, but what we have right now is great, Dad. What if being officially together changes things?”

Her father sighs. He doesn’t really know what to say because there is no way to know what will happen, but he settles on telling her, “You’ll still be Clarke and Lexa whether you’re dating or not. And forgive me if I’m wrong, but isn’t it more painful to not be able to do anything with your feelings? I remember how awful it was to keep my crush on your mother to myself, thinking it would never happen, and look where we are now.”

“This just feels different, Dad. She’s my best friend. I’ve never felt like this before…”

“Whatever you choose, it will all work itself out. It always does, even if the universe has a funny idea of what our futures should look like.”

Lexa, on the other hand, has a moment of clarity when she is going through her backpack at the end of the school year, taking out her books and folders and amongst them she finds scraps of paper, index cards, and dog-eared pages marked up with pens of different colors. She sorts out the things that are strictly from school and, unsurprisingly, those items are looking pristine, barely touched, clearly ignored. It isn’t that she doesn’t like school, she just usually has something far more interesting to read or write, which makes it rather hard to actually pay attention in school. It can get her in trouble sometimes, but her grades are pretty great considering, so she doesn’t make it a point to change anything.

In contrast, her books are well loved and worn, the scraps of paper have small tears in them, and the index cards are crinkled from being shoved into her pocket and then floating around at the bottom of her backpack. Everything is dated, usually in the upper right corner as a point of reference. She keeps all these things tucked away in a shoebox by date—to measure her progress, to see what she used to think and feel, for inspiration for the future. She can note exactly where shifts in her thinking and interests occurred in her writing. And as she sorts through the drabbles from the past year, she sees a curious trend. The words written begin to bring only one image to mind as she gets further into the stack, an image of her best friend’s brilliant smile and blue eyes.

Slowly she drops the papers in front of her, sighs, rubs the back of her neck and whispers, “Oh God.” She can’t seriously have a crush on her best friend right? Surely that must break a rule somewhere. Lexa vows to not let her feelings go any further; it wouldn’t be fair to put Clarke in that position and make her uncomfortable. Lexa wonders how she managed to not know she has a crush on Clarke considering all their interactions. Somehow this feels so much different from anything else though; it feels unlike any other attraction she’s had, and vastly more important.

Lexa tries to push the scary feelings aside, to cast them away into their own little box deep in the pit of her heart, in the back of her mind, but these feelings don’t give in as easily as others have in the past. She’s always had a nifty ability to compartmentalize, dilute, and ignore the full range of emotions where she deems it fit to do so. But Lexa can tell right from the start that removing herself from the feelings she has for Clarke will not go as smoothly. These are the types of emotions and thoughts that take over in little moments of peace and quiet, and it has Lexa feeling more afraid than she would like to admit.

She’s scared and concerned about all the ways this could go wrong, all the ways she could screw up their friendship by injecting romantic feelings where there should be none. So she draws back bit by bit as the summer progresses. She doesn’t pull away when Clarke holds her hand or touches her thigh when she laughs. She doesn’t scooch aside when Clarke moves closer on the couch or in bed. She lets Clarke sit on her lap by the pool “because you always get the best chair and the rest have been sitting in the sun all day.” But Lexa doesn’t initiate anything, doesn’t rest her head on Clarke’s shoulder when they watch a movie, doesn’t engage in tickle attacks, doesn’t let the hugs linger for long when they say goodbye.

Clarke notices, but can’t bring herself to ask why.

Summer is rapidly coming to an end, with three weeks left until school begins again. Bellamy graduated from Magnus Ark High School in June, and he’s going off to college come late-August. Clarke, Lexa, Octavia, and Bellamy spend a lot of time together over the summer, any time they can, really. Which works in Lexa’s favor because being in the company of others is good reason to keep her hands off of Clarke and keep the pining stares to a minimum.

Anya drops Lexa off at the Griffin’s at 8:30 in the morning on a hot Saturday. The morning air is already warm and sticky and Lexa’s hair does exactly what she doesn’t want it to do and becomes a fluffy, frizzy mess. Lexa nudges the side of her glasses to push them back onto her face when she gets out to grab her bag from the back seat. She slings the small duffle over her shoulder before waving goodbye to Anya.

Lexa is at the Griffin’s so often, she doesn’t even bother knocking or ringing the bell before just walking in. They know she’s coming anyways. She lets her bag slide off her shoulder before following the voices she hears to the kitchen.

“And you’re sure Bellamy’s a responsible driver, Clarke?”

“Yes, Mom. O will be there too. You know how careful he is with her.”

When Lexa steps into the kitchen, she finds Jake at the stove making Belgian waffles while Clarke sits at the table stuffing her face and Abby sits in her usual seat across from her drinking a cup of coffee. All eyes turn to her and it never ceases to surprise her the way Jake and Abby smile at her.

“Good morning, Sweetheart,” Abby greets.

“Good morning, Abby,” she grins and turns to Clarke’s father, “Jake.”

“Good morning, Lex! Would you like some waffles?” Jake asks with a sweet smile.

“Is that even a question? Your waffles are legendary,” she says as she excitedly grabs a plate from the cabinet and holds it out for a couple waffles before heading back to sit at the table.

“Ah, high compliments from my favorite daughter! Could my day get any better?”

Clarke gasps and glares at Lexa and her father, “Dad, I’m sitting right here!” Abby chuckles at her response.

“Clarke, she loves everything I make! And she’s so polite, hardly a teenager at all!”

Abby adds, “Plus, she always helps around the house when she comes over.”

“It’s hard not to love a girl like that!” Jake says with a sneaky smile directed at Clarke.

Clarke rolls her eyes at the obvious jab toward her own feelings and looks back at Lexa as she says, “Looks like we’re gonna have to start competing for first place, huh?” Lexa doesn’t respond and she is blankly staring at her plate. “Lex?”

Lexa’s head snaps up quickly, “I’m sorry. If you’ll excuse me just a moment.” Lexa stands from her chair and walks swiftly, but calmly, out of the kitchen. The Griffins share bewildered and concerned glances; Lexa’s never gotten up and walked away quite like that before.

Clarke clears her throat and says, “I’ll just—” and she gestures vaguely in the direction Lexa went before getting up.  Clarke finds Lexa in the half-bath, the door closed and the natural light of the sun slipping under the door. She knocks. “Lexa? Lex, can I come in?”

There is only drawn out silence for a long moment before Clarke hears the door clicking unlocked. She opens the door slowly to find Lexa sitting cross-legged on the mat in front of the sink, her forehead resting firmly in her hands. Clarke can hear Lexa take a deep breath before lifting her head and looking anywhere but at Clarke. She shuffles into the small bathroom and closes the door behind her. She slowly lowers herself to the floor in front of Lexa and puts her hands on the girl’s knees. Clarke tries to catch Lexa’s eyes but she refuses to look at her. Clarke squeezes one knee, “Lex, please, look at me? What’s wrong?”

Lexa closes her eyes tightly, takes a deep breath in, then turns to look at Clarke. When her eyes open, Clarke can see that her eyes are watery; she isn’t exactly crying per se, but she definitely isn’t not crying. “I am unaccustomed to feeling like this.”

“Like what?”

“Like—like someone loves me? I know how ridiculous that is because I know Father loves me, and Anya of course, but this is different. It’s—it’s just different.”

Clarke smiles sadly, “Well, it seems like you’re the fourth member of the Griffin family now; you’ll get used to it pretty quickly. Dad seems hell-bent on sharing just how much he loves you.”

Lexa nods, smiles lightly at Clarke’s words. Her voice is so quiet when she speaks next that Clarke nearly misses it when she breathes, “I miss Mom…” And Clarke, she has no idea what to say to that. Instead she finds herself crawling into Lexa’s lap, wrapping her legs around Lexa’s lower back and hugging her as tightly as she can manage short of suffocation. She feels Lexa’s arms wrap around her waist and her head settles on her chest.

They sit for a couple minutes until Lexa draws back to say, “We should go. My waffles are getting cold.” Clarke laughs and follows her back out.

When they step into the kitchen they find Abby and Jake in a compromising position. Though the only thing it compromises is Lexa’s ability to take them seriously as adults because they’re acting like lovesick puppies if she’s being totally honest. Clarke scrunches up her nose and Lexa just smiles; Abby and Jake are dancing slowly to some song that Jake is humming softly by Abby’s ear. Their eyes are closed and they’re both grinning lightly.

When Jake finishes up whatever song he was humming, they give each other a quick peck, at which Clarke makes gagging noises and Lexa looks away. “Are you two all packed and ready to go?” Jake asks as he begins putting the dishes in the washer.

“Yeah, Dad, you gave me an entire checklist and made sure I went through everything twice.”

“Jake is a smart man. No trip is ever complete without at least five checklists, Clarke,” Lexa says. Clarke and Abby are shaking their heads in disbelief.

“Thank you, Lexa! Finally someone who sees their true value!” Jake says enthusiastically.

“Whatever. Bellamy’s gonna be here soon; I’m gonna go to the bathroom,” Clarke grumbles. She isn’t exactly a huge fan of being micromanaged with checklists. It isn’t the end of the world if she forgets something for a two day trip to the beach where hygiene is going to be limited anyways.

Lexa goes to the bathroom after Clarke and not five minutes later, Bellamy is rolling up the driveway with Octavia in the passenger seat. Lexa and Clarke bring their duffle bags out to the car while Abby and Jake bring out a tent and sleeping bags. When they leave, Bellamy’s Jeep is packed with tents, sleeping bags, coolers of food and drinks, LED lamps, and just about anything else they could need for an overnight stay on a beach, courtesy of the Blake and Griffin parents.

···

It’s a long trip up to the beach, roughly three and a half hours. They spend the time talking as a group and in pairs, they sing to songs on the radio loudly with the windows down, they point out the names of weird town names and street signs, they try to see who can find the most cars of a particular brand. At some point, they even listen to an NPR podcast about Bessie Smith, the Empress of Blues, and her influence on jazz music in the 1920’s, per Lexa’s insistence. The others make fun of her for wanting to keep it on just for a bit, but she’s the one smirking when the others are thoroughly engrossed in the podcast, letting it run until the end.

As they get closer to the coast, the sides of the highway shift and morph from short green grass and dirt to loose sand and tall reedy grasses. The tell-tale scent of the ocean, slightly fishy and salty yet somehow fresh, floats in the air around them. Clarke has her window all the way down and she loves the way the wind feels on her face, the way it sounds as it rushes past her ears. Something about it is incredibly soothing. “We’ll be there in another 15 minutes, guys,” Bellamy announces.

“Oh thank God I’ve gotta pee so bad,” Octavia says as she squirms in her seat.

Bellamy laughs, “I told you to go at the rest stop, O.”

“Yeah, well, I didn’t have to go then. That happens sometimes you know.”

Lexa takes in a deep breath of the ocean air. “I’ve never been to the beach before,” she says.

Octavia whips around at that. “Are you serious?” she nearly shouts. Lexa just nods. “Damn, Woods, just you wait! You’re in for a treat! I hope you’re prepared to get sand in all the places you never wanted it though.” Lexa grimaces at the thought, but Bellamy and Clarke chuckle.

“Even with sand in gross places, you’re gonna love it, Lex. Trust me,” Clarke says with a squeeze to Lexa’s hand. Clarke smiles widely at Lexa and she sends her a small smile in return. She gets a little caught up in Clarke’s gaze; Clarke’s eyes always sparkle and Lexa wonders how she manages to capture stars like that. Lexa drags her eyes away with a blush to look out the front window as they pull onto a road which runs parallel to the shoreline.

“The water will be warm this late in the summer, right?” Octavia asks.

“Yes, the ocean is warmest in September or October, so it will be decently warm now.”

Clarke laughs, “Lex, you just said you’ve never been to the beach before. How could you know that?”

Lexa shrugs, “I read a lot, Clarke. Also, science.”

“Yeah, okay, nerd,” Octavia scoffs.

“I am not a nerd!” Lexa protests.

“Says the girl who reads comic books and encyclopedias and thinks War and Peace is ‘light reading for bed,’” Clarke quips.

Bellamy cuts in, “I know this line of conversation is incredibly important guys, but we’re about to pull in to the parking lot.”

“Thank God I’m about to pee my pants here,” Octavia whines. The moment Bellamy puts the Jeep in park, Octavia is running out to find a bathroom, leaving the other three to try and carry their overabundance of supplies to the beach. On the first trip, Bellamy carries both tents and two sleeping bags, Clarke carries the other two sleeping bags as well as two coolers of food, and Lexa decides to carry all four of their duffle bags.

Clarke skeptically asks, “Lexa are you sure you can carry all that?”

Lexa looks insulted. “Of course, Clarke. This is nothing.”

“No need to show off. I already like you, you know,” Clarke says and she wishes she didn’t because shit that sounds like she means something different. Lexa merely quirks up an eyebrow at her before continuing on the 150 foot walk to their spot on the beach. By the time both girls get there, Octavia and Bellamy are working on setting up the tents because they know by the time night does come, no one is going to want to lift a finger. “Bell, O, we’re gonna run back to the Jeep to grab the rest of the stuff. Throw me the keys; I’ll lock it up after.”

Bellamy struggles to find the keys in his pocket while holding up the tent with the other before chucking the keys in Clarke’s direction. She catches them swiftly before turning and looping her arm through Lexa’s to walk back to the Jeep. “Are you excited, Lex?”

“Absolutely,” she says with the straightest face Clarke has ever seen.

“Oh yes, you sound so very enthusiastic!”

“I promise I am, Clarke. Are you excited?”

“Yeah! I haven’t been to the beach since last year, and now I get to be here with my favorite person!” Clarke nudges Lexa’s shoulder and smiles brightly at her. Lexa feels her cheeks get hot and she hopes the sun is bright enough to drown out the color. She dips her head down in response anyway to keep Clarke from seeing her face.

The rest of the walk is quiet and Lexa looks up at the sky, letting Clarke guide her. The clouds are snowy white and fluffy and the sun is high in the sky. She feels the warmth of the sun on her skin and as the wind moves around her, she feels the sun is encompassing her in comfort and something soft. Lexa feels Clarke’s thumb gently grazing where it rests on her bicep and when she turns to look at Clarke, the feeling of being enveloped in comfort and softness doesn’t leave. If anything, the feelings become more noticeable and she feels an overwhelming urge to hold Clarke and run away at the same time.

Clarke pulls her arm away when they reach the Jeep to grab the last of the items in the trunk; a few more coolers, some games, and several towels. Clarke hands each item over to Lexa and in the end, Lexa ends up carrying most of the items stacked in a wobbly mess on her arms. Clarke locks the Jeep and Lexa starts to make her way back to the beach.

“Wait, wait, I need a picture of this. You look so tiny with all that stuff!” Lexa sends Clarke a stern look which clearly says I am not tiny when Clarke pulls out her camera to snap a picture. Lexa huffs and looks anywhere but at the camera. “Well at least I didn’t take one while you were carrying the duffles…lil’ peanut,” Clarke mumbles, mostly to herself.

Lexa rolls her eyes and begins to walk away. “I am not that small, Clarke, and you know it. We are essentially the same size.”

“Oh come on, it’s cute, Lex!” Clarke laughs as she jogs to catch up. In all honesty, Lexa isn’t actually very offended, but she does have a reputation to keep up and she really isn’t small at all, she’s average height, even if she may otherwise be somewhat petite. Clarke loops her arm back through Lexa’s, nearly knocking over the precariously balanced items. Lexa shakes her head; Clarke just shrugs.

When they get back down to their spot on the beach Octavia is digging a hole in the ground and Bellamy is still finishing setting up the second tent. “Jesus, where were you guys? I was about to send Bell out on rescue mission!"

“Chill, O. It wasn’t that long,” Clarke says as she pulls items from Lexa’s arms. “So what’s going where?”

Bellamy’s voice calls out, “Food and drinks can go in our tent, the rest can go in yours.”

“Roger that. O, what are you doing anyway?” Clarke asks as she and Lexa put things in their respective places.

“Making myself a seat that’s gonna cradle my butt so perfectly I’ll never wanna leave.”

“Right, okay well, I’m just gonna go change real quick,” Clarke says before ducking into her and Lexa’s tent and zipping it up. She reemerges a few minutes later wearing a turquoise bikini. Now, Lexa has seen Clarke in similar states of undress many times given that Clarke seems to often insist on changing in the same room at sleepovers and they’ve already been swimming together throughout the summer. But the sight never ceases to cause an upswing of butterflies in her belly. She averts her gaze quickly, a blush rushing up her cheeks, and in her haste makes eye-contact with Octavia, which has her blushing further. Octavia smirks and gives Lexa a knowing look; Lexa’s doe-eyed stares aren’t fooling anyone.

They all spend a while just chilling on the beach; Clarke, Octavia, and Bellamy all work on their tans and Lexa warns them that they really should be using sun block of some sort even if they are tanning. She eventually manages to convince Clarke so put some on after half an hour because, “Clarke, you are the palest of all of us. There is simply no way you never burn.”

“Have you ever seen me with a burn?”

“No, but you also haven’t been spending all your waking hours outside in the sun.”

“Fine,” Clarke huffs and sticks her tongue out. Octavia makes a flicking motion with her wrist and a whipping sound which has Clarke glaring and Lexa looking confused. Bellamy chuckles too before fist-bumping Octavia.

Clarke finishes putting a layer of sunblock on and lays back down, on her stomach this time. Lexa quickly looks away and distracts herself with the sights of the beach instead. The beach isn’t very large, maybe a mile long from Lexa’s view. Down the beach she can see hundreds of people jammed together on the sand and in the water. Small children are running around and parents are sitting under massive umbrellas. Lexa’s thankful they paid extra to be able to use a private part of the beach owned by whoever lives in the massive house not far in the opposite direction. Lexa’s not particularly fond of large crowds or cramped quarters. There are a couple other groups of people on the private beach, though they don’t have tents.

···

Octavia and Bellamy have been in the water for some time and Clarke watches as they splash each other and enjoy the warm water. Bellamy gets dragged under a couple of times by the waves, but he doesn’t seem to really mind. She turns to face Lexa who is quietly reading, laying on her stomach in a black sports bra and white knee-length board shorts. She wonders if Lexa owns any other books because 80% of the time, Lexa is reading that one. “Why do you always read that one? Don’t you get sick of it?” she asks.

“I could never get sick of it. It is my absolute favorite, Clarke. It is inspiring, full of words to live by and I always find something I missed before. And it happens to be where I write notes for things I would like to write in the future.” Lexa pauses for a moment and Clarke can see the hesitation on her face before she says, “And I like Oskar. He reminds me of myself sometimes. Which just sounds absurd because he is a nine-year-old child, but I find I connect with him somewhere between the lines.”

“Read me something,” Clarke says quietly. Suddenly, the waves sound louder than ever and the wind is screaming in Lexa’s ears because she loves to read and write but reading out loud is so not her forte. But, she will do it for Clarke because Clarke is sweet and the way she looks at Lexa with those damn stars in her eyes makes Lexa’s heart flutter. How can she say no to a girl like that?

“Okay.” Lexa turns over to sit up, then flips through the book for several minutes, looking for the right passage to read. She switches between two final passages, deciding which would be best. She settles, clears her throat, and reads, “Does it break my heart, of course, every moment of every day, into more pieces than my heart was made of, I never thought of myself as quiet, much less silent, I never thought about things at all, everything changed.” Lexa pauses and draws in a deep breath before continuing, “ The distance that wedged itself between me and my happiness wasn’t the world, it wasn’t the bombs and burning buildings, it was me, my thinking, the cancer of never letting go, is ignorance bliss, I don’t know, but it’s so painful to think, and tell me, what did thinking ever do for me, to what great place did thinking ever bring me? I think and think and think, I’ve thought myself out of happiness one million times, but never once into it.”

The silence between them drags on for a several seconds before Clarke’s eyes widen a touch and she just mutters, “Shit.”

“I apologize, I didn’t realize how—heavy—that passage was until I got halfway through,” Lexa says with a slight frown.

“You don’t need to apologize for that. Sure it’s a little heavy for a day at the beach but if the whole book is like that, I can see why you love it so much. Maybe you’ll let me read your beloved book sometime, yeah?” Clarke says with that beaming smile which Lexa has learned to associate with herself. It’s a bright smile that crinkles the corners of her eyes, a glowing smile reserved for Lexa Woods. Lexa gets caught up in the moment, in that smile, and sends her own warm smile back because this is Clarke Griffin, an actual ray of sunshine.

Lexa and Clarke snap out of their reverie when they hear Octavia say, “The ocean wouldn’t dare pull me under; I’m too tough. I mean, take a look at these guns.”

Bellamy lowers his voice and adds a rough, gravelly quality to it, “Are you saying I’m not tough?”

“That is exactly what I’m saying!” Octavia says with a smirk.

Bellamy mutters out a barely audible, “Rude...” Octavia falls gracelessly into her sand-seat and Bellamy flops down onto his towel. “Anybody got the time?”

“5:30,” Lexa says, not even looking up from where her feet are digging a hole in the sand.

“How did you know that? You didn’t even check!” Clarke says.

“The angle of the sun is very telling.”

“You’re seriously such a nerd.”

“Please, you love it.”

“Whatever you say, Lex.”

Bellamy stands up again, “Anyways, I’m gonna go grab something to eat. Anybody want anything?”

“Yeah, grab me a PB and J and a juice box, would ya?” Octavia asks before kicking back in her makeshift chair.

···

As the evening carries on, the beach empties and they play KanJam across the private beach in teams. Octavia and Bellamy win, but Lexa claims the only reason they won is because they’ve practiced more combined than Lexa and Clarke had. As the sun begins to set behind them, Clarke insists that they all take a walk to collect seashells, but Bellamy and Octavia are engrossed in a card game, so Lexa walks with Clarke.

The fine grains of sand beneath their feet are soft and cool, though occasionally a rough shell will be hiding just beneath the surface waiting to be uncovered. A short pier of rocks separates the private beach from the public beach and where the rocks meet the water there is a collection of thousands of miniscule purple and white shells. Clarke crouches down to scoop up the thin shells and funnels them into a plastic bag to bring back home. As the sun finishes setting, both girls have a small bag filled with shells of varying shapes and sizes, even a couple pieces of sea glass, but neither one makes any move to turn back.

The two pass by the pier and continue on down the beach, their shoulders and hands brushing occasionally. Clarke takes Lexa’s hand and intertwines their fingers; Lexa tries to keep the fluttering in her chest to a minimum. She fails.

As the moon begins to rise and Lexa nearly stops in her tracks to watch it, not even noticing when Clarke tugs on her hand to keep walking. The moon is a sliver of a circle sitting on the water, bright red like the feathers of a scarlet ibis. Lexa is transfixed by its slow ascent and she plops down into the sand to watch without a care in the world. Clarke is pulled down with her and Lexa says in awe, “I have never seen a moon so—massive and intense…”

“Yeah, it’s pretty magnificent.”

They watch quietly as the moon gradually shifts into a tiger lily orange, a popcorn yellow, and then its familiar silver-white as it rises higher into the sky. “We should probably head back, Lex. It’s getting late.” Clarke helps Lexa up by the hand and she makes it a point to walk through the edge of the water, occasionally splashing Lexa’s legs.

When they arrive back at the tents, they notice that Bellamy and Octavia’s tent is lit up and Bellamy is sitting alone outside. “Where’d O go?” Clarke asks.

“She’s getting ready for bed. Said the sun and the swimming and all wiped her out. I was waiting up for you guys to get back,” Bellamy explains.

“You didn’t have to do that, Bellamy,” Lexa says, feeling a little guilty that they took too long to come back.

“It’s no problem, just wanted to make sure you were both safe. And I wasn’t really ready for bed yet anyways.”

Octavia comes out of the tent wearing red pajama pants and a black t-shirt. “Bell, your turn.”

Bellamy walks away and Lexa thinks it’s a good idea to just get ready now. “I’m going to go brush my teeth and whatnot. Be back in a few,” Lexa says before walking off to grab her toothbrush and find a bathroom to use.

Clarke watches Lexa leave and resents the coldness that washes over her hand at the loss of contact. “Okay you two seriously need to get yourselves together,” Octavia says with a disbelieving tone.

“What do you mean?”

“You’re both so blind. You clearly like her and she obviously likes you. She couldn’t keep her eyes off you earlier and I mean, come on, you’re not that funny and she laughs at everything you say.”

“Hey!”

“It’s true! Plus, you can never keep your damn hands to yourself. And don’t think I didn’t see you two holding hands, watching the sunset like some sappy old couple. For real, get it together, muster up some of that Griffin charm and just ask her out already. You’re so cute and oblivious with each other it is physically painful to watch. Talk to her, please, for the sake of my health. Bellamy’s, too.”

At the end of Octavia’s mini rant, Bellamy comes out from the tent and she can see Lexa walking back in the distance, but all she can do is blush and gape at Octavia’s words before walking away to hide in the tent for a minute under the guise of getting ready for bed. Internally, she’s freaking out a bit because she knows she and Lexa are a little closer than most best friends with all the touching, but she didn’t realize she was so obvious otherwise. She never told Octavia how she felt about Lexa and now she is mortified at the thought that Lexa has figured it out because that would certainly explain why Lexa doesn’t initiate any sort of closeness anymore.

Clarke is snapped out of her thoughts when the tent rustles and opens and Lexa ducks inside. She notices the slightly panicked expression on her face and asks cautiously, “Are you alright, Clarke?”

“Yeah, sorry, just lost in thought… I’m gonna go brush,” Clarke says before leaving. She takes her time getting ready to let herself calm down before seeing Lexa again. Lexa always seems to know when something is wrong, which can act as both a blessing and a curse. In this case, a curse, because the last thing she wants to do is tell Lexa that she kinda sorta has a gigantic crush on her that refuses to go away. In fact, she realizes it only seems to be getting worse.

Bellamy and Octavia’s tent is already dark when Clarke gets back and her and Lexa’s tent is illuminated by the cool glow of an LED lamp. She pulls back the flap on the front of the tent and steps in, zipping it back up behind her. When she turns she sees that Lexa has already changed into a baggy white t-shirt and a pair of baby blue boxer briefs. Clarke smiles at the sight and says, “Hey.” Some of the worry Clarke feels disappears because Lexa always makes it better. Being around Lexa is calming and comforting and it makes her happy.

“Hello, Clarke. Long time, no see, hm?”

“Ah yes, I was counting the seconds until I would set my eyes upon you once more, my dear!” Clarke says in an awful attempt at a dramatic 1940s transatlantic accent.

Lexa bursts out laughing, “And you call me the nerd?”

“So I’m an old movie junkie. Sue me.”

“You know, I might consider doing that if I didn’t know, without a doubt, that Mama and Papa Griff would have the best lawyers in the country defending you. In fact, I bet I would end up having to pay you in the end of it all.”

“Valid point.” Clarke finishes setting up her sleeping bag and pillow, making sure there won’t be anything in the way of her spreading out, aside from Lexa of course. Lexa turns away when she sees Clarke pulling her pajamas from her bag. She rubs at the hem of her t-shirt while she waits. “You can turn around, Peanut.”

Lexa groans and whines, “Please tell me that isn’t going to be a thing now?”

“I’m sorry, but I can’t promise that, Peanut,” Clarke says with a smirk.

Lexa mumbles, “I’m not a peanut…”

Clarke whispers, “Actually, you are, Lex.” Lexa just huffs and shimmies down in her sleeping bag. Well, Clarke notes that she is still mostly out of the sleeping bag really, which is completely unzipped down the side. “Are you going to bed already?”

“Are you?”

“I’m not tired yet. Do you really mind me calling you Peanut?”

Lexa sighs, “No… Though I still contest that I am not that small. And if you aren’t going to bed, I was planning on just reading. If you don’t mind, of course.”

“Go for it. By the way, you really need to get into the water tomorrow. I can’t believe you didn’t even go in at all today, your first time at the beach. I’ll drag you in myself if I have to.”

“Good luck with that, Clarke.” Lexa knows she will want to go in the water tomorrow anyways; Octavia said the water was warm enough to be like slightly cool bath water, though she isn’t looking forward to the itchy feeling Bellamy described after drying off. There are wash stations set up somewhere down the beach if she wants to use one at least. And while she knows that the chance of a shark attack is very limited, it still freaks her out a little bit. Also, jellyfish.

Lexa flips over onto her belly and reaches for her book in the corner of the tent. Part of her wants to read more passages to Clarke, but some of the parts she wants to read won’t make sense without reading the things before it. The other part of her wants Clarke to read it herself and write her thoughts in the margins. Lexa worries Clarke wouldn’t like it because it’s an odd novel with highly experimental narrative styles, but she hopes that Clarke would see the value in it that she does.

As Lexa reads quietly, Clarke thinks now is a good time to draw. Her fingers had been itching to sketch the beach all day. She scraps the first one, drawn with graphite pencils of varying degrees of hardness and softness, because it just wasn’t expressing the scene well enough. She begins a second with color, drawing the bright red moon, purple sky, and navy waters. She’s happy with it for the most part. When she checks her phone, it is nearly two in the morning and she knows she’s tired because her eyes are blurry at the edges and her head somehow feels light and achey at the same time.

She looks over at Lexa, whose book has fallen down onto the floor of the tent above her pillow, her face resting peacefully on the pillow facing Clarke. It’s probably a bad idea, but Clarke thinks it is a great idea in her moment of sleepy haze: she begins to sketch Lexa. It’s a rough sketch, little more than a rudimentary outline of her features, but it’s all she has the energy for right now. When it’s ‘finished’ she closes the sketchbook and lays down. Except she can’t sleep because her brain won’t shut up. It’s too quiet, even with the muted noise of the waves outside and she has such a strong desire to move closer to Lexa and cuddle up, though she is pretty sure if she does that they’ll both get too hot.

Clarke begins to wonder once more if Lexa knows, if that’s why she’s been more distant lately, especially when others are around. She watches as Lexa flips over to face the other way, kicking her sleeping bag down toward her feet. Her mouth opens before she can even think to stop herself. “Lexa? Are you awake?” she asks quietly.

Lexa grumbles with discontent, “No. It’s hot.”

“Can I ask you something?” Clarke bites her lip waiting for the response. All she gets is a light hum and a small nod in response. She takes a deep breath because there’s no turning back after this and she says, “You’ve been distant lately… Have I done something?”

The tent is silent for a few long moments before Lexa rolls over and looks at Clarke with sleepy green eyes. “You haven’t done anything,” she says quietly.

“Then why?”

Lexa takes a deep breath in and her brow furrows, contemplating how to word her jumbled thoughts. “I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable. With the touching and stuff.”

Clarke’s face morphs with confusion, “What made you think I was uncomfortable?”

“I don’t know…” Lexa says, quieter yet, and Clarke thinks she’s never heard Lexa’s voice sound quite so small. Lexa turns onto her back and looks out the top of the tent at the stars in the sky, trying to avoid giving into Clarke’s puzzled expression, hoping she’ll just drop the conversation.

“Lexa?” comes Clarke’s voice from beside her. Lexa runs her hands roughly over her face, trying to clear the sleep from her eyes and mind, trying to keep the panic from seeping into her chest.

There is anxiety pooling in her stomach, mounting until it sits in her lungs, hanging heavy on every breath that comes out more shakily than it should. Her left thumb and forefinger are rubbing uselessly at Peter Rabbit’s ear beside her now and her throat feels tight with the words she’s trying to arrange in her head. She clears her throat, “Clarke—I cannot believe I’m about to say this but—I may or may not have less-than-platonic feelings for you,” Lexa admits in a rush, scrunching her eyes firmly together. Lexa waits for a response and for the first time, she understands what the books mean when they mention a deafening silence. Is there anything more torturous than this?

“Oh,” Clarke breathes. “You do?”

The shock is evident in Clarke’s voice and Lexa begins to panic a little and words come bursting out. “I’m sorry, I’m really sorry, I was trying to distance myself because I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable with my romantic feelings in this purely platonic friendship—”

“Lex.”

“—and I didn’t want to ruin what we had. And really I was never going to say anything because—”

“Lexa.”

“—God, this is mortifying. Why is having feelings a thing? And it just snuck up on me all of a sudden and I realized these feelings were more than I thought—”

Clarke grabs Lexa’s hand which was anxiously fiddling with the nails of her other hand, “Lexa, it’s okay!” Clarke gives Lexa a reassuring smile and then, “I like you, too.”

Lexa’s shocked face turns to Clarke’s, their eyes meeting. “You what?”

“I like you, too?” Clarke says with a shy smile and a tint on her cheeks.

“That—is by far the best news I have heard in quite some time,” Lexa says with wide eyes. Clarke plays with Lexa’s fingers for a few moments before interlacing them.

“I can’t believe that just happened? I can’t explain how happy I am right now.”

“You don’t need to explain. I can see how happy you are.” And it’s true because Clarke is smiling that Glowing Smile Reserved For Lexa Woods and she feels it too.