JUSTIN

Everything felt wrong, like by letting him in, nothing would be the same. I didn’t follow my routine and hope for sleep, instead I sat the chair by my window and watched the world outside of it. He made me feel something I never thought I would feel. Wanting to know what being with him would feel like. I didn’t want hear that he could care if I existed, all it did was make the craving for someone hit me with full force. I needed to find a way to stay away from him, even if it meant barely sleeping again. He doesn’t understand what knowing me would be like, and I didn’t want to him to eventually see me the way the rest of the world does. I should have driven away. I shouldn’t have followed him. I shouldn’t have looked up that night. But I did all of those things. I also managed to talk to him, when talking wasn’t something that came easy for me. 

I sat in the chair for days, nodding off occasionally, only to awaken at dreams of Brian. No one came to check on me, since they were used to me disappearing when I was working. I knew eventually Ben would show up, only because of Julian. My boss would send him to make sure I was still available to solve anything he asked of me. Ben tried once to talk to me, but like I told Brian, people gave up when I didn’t answer. Instead he would bring food, and check to see if I needed anything before leaving me alone again. 

When my front door opened, Ben actually looked concerned when he found me. I likely reeked from not moving. And when I got up to walk past him, he had to grab me before I fell over. He let me go when I managed to find my bearings, but followed me until I reached the bathroom.

“I’m going to make a lot of food, which you’re going to eat. Call me if you need help in there.” Ben said, as if I was fragile.

I didn’t have the strength to stand, so I sat under the spray fully clothed. Everything was quiet again by the time I got out. Ben was setting a plate piled with food on the table. Only he sat down, not leaving when he was done doing his duty.

“What is going on? You’ve never been like this.” Ben asked.

“Tell Julian I’m still breathing.” I murmured, uncomfortable that Ben wouldn’t leave.

“That’s not why I’m here.” Ben lied.

Nothing new in Ben lying to me, since he lied about why Julian hired him to be my keeper. I think they hoped Ben would pique my interest, and through Ben, Julian could have someone in my house to make sure I did only what Julian wanted. Only Ben was easy to read and he had no interest in me, beyond his job. And I had no interest in him, so I lived with the fact he was going to be around, and ignored him. 

“It’s time to get back to work.” He tells me.

“What happened?” I sighed.

“Someone broke through the firewalls. They want to know who, and what they were looking for.” Ben tells me.

Talking about work I could do, it was the one place I never felt uncomfortable. “I’ll have it done from here, off you go.” I tell him.

“There’s also another question I need you to answer. What were you doing the other night?” He asks, not even mentioning what other night.

“Nothing that anyone should worry about. And if Julian wants me to do what he asks, then leave it alone.” I tell him.

“It’s important.” Ben told me, referring to the job, when I wouldn’t answer to him or anyone else.

“It always is.” I tell him, wanting to sit in my chair and forget the world.

I found what they needed me to find, and sent the message about to ruin someone’s life for daring to mess with one of the biggest corporations in the world. As usual, the minute the report was sent, Julian sent back an invitation to come have dinner with him. He couldn’t leave me alone, and I got it. Julian was used to people wanting his attention. He also didn’t like my lack of attention, and kept trying, as if I was special to him for some reason. I was only special in what I could do for him, and anyone that would owe him a favor for letting me help them. Otherwise he left me alone, unless he needed me. For a minute I almost said yes, in hopes to get Brian and the other night out of my mind. I typed ‘no’, because I just wanted to avoid people. I wanted to get back to myself again.

I got up and got dressed, not intending to go see Brian. Only it was like I needed to see him. At the club, there was only the friends standing at the bar, Brian wasn’t any place I looked for him. It only took looking at the dark haired friend to know Brian wasn’t there. He was lost, while the other two tried to cheer him up. I left, parking a couple streets away from the loft, getting out to walk by it and check to see if he was there. I planned to avoid staying and watching him, but needed to know where he was. I stopped, seeing Brian sitting on the steps of his loft. He looked worried until he saw me.

“You live.” He said when I walked up to him.

“I don’t understand you.” I tell him.

“You probably understand me better than anyone.” He said, grabbing my hand and pulling me down next to him. “I don’t like that you disappeared.” He admitted.

“Why?” I ask.

“You know where to find me, but when you leave, it could be the last time I see you.” He tells me.

“I… I don’t know how to be… around people. Your life is surrounded by them.” I said, tripping over my words.

“No one has to be around if you don’t want them to be. Whatever it is we’re doing can just be about us.” He tells me.

“I don’t understand why you want this.” I tell him.

“Because you make my life feel less lonely.” He tells me, honestly.

I nodded, understanding because that was the thing he did for me, without even having to know anything about him. 

“Do you want to go up?” He asks, only to scowl when loud voices called his name.

I got up to leave as his friends came looking for him. Brian grabbed my hand before I could walk off. And for the first time I got what he was asking without hearing the words, and recited my address before walking into the night. I was puzzled at how I understood what he wanted, when I never get people. His friends reached him, as if ready to follow him where he led, something I was understanding because he was leading me toward something too.

Julian was waiting at my car, looking unhappy at being there. I wasn’t happy he was there either, and found anger made it easier for me to say what I felt about his intrusion into my time.

“Go away. This isn’t part of my life you get to know about.” I tell him.

“The minute you came to work for me, everything in your life became something I get to know about. You knew that when you signed on.” He tells me, getting in my car as his drives away.

“There’s nothing about him that you need to worry about.” I tell him.

“You really believe that don’t you? Only you don’t understand why I worry. I worry because you’re obsessed with him. And don’t try to deny it, because you know I have you watched. I worry because until the night you followed him up to that loft, you never let anyone keep your attention. You were the like a beautiful doll encased in glass, nothing touched you, but he does somehow.” Julian told me.

I didn’t understand at first why Julian was upset, until I saw the look of hunger on his face. In all our interactions Julian keep this part of why he couldn’t leave me alone hidden from me. I never saw Julian wanting more than what I did to keep his company safe. I didn’t fit into Julian’s world any more than I did into Brian’s. It was that thought that made me want to go back to my shell. Only the part that wanted to know Brian also knew it wasn’t going to be possible to give him up. 

BRIAN

The entire time Justin didn’t show up, I thought back to what happened before his departure the night in the loft. Trying to figure out why he was staying away. It was crazy to be this obsessive about Justin. Only it wasn’t just sexual for me, it was about finding out what made him the way he was. It was about knowing that Justin saw me the way I was, something Mikey never managed to see in all the years we’d stayed friends.

The relief at seeing Justin walk towards me was something new and unusual for me. I didn’t kid myself, it was knowing that I hadn’t blown it with Justin that eased the tension I’d felt for the last few days. Only this time Justin wasn’t going to leave without telling me a way to find him. It wasn’t sane to be this attached to someone who was basically a stranger, but the vulnerability that Justin displayed was hard for me to resist. It was honest, in a world where people hide anything that could hurt them behind smiles and laughs. The loneliness that surrounded Justin was the same thing I’ve felt most of my life. Only I thought that for Justin, he was really alone in life. While I had people around me, I could ignore that no one ever really knew anything but what I let them see. Only Justin could see inside, just from looking at me. I read people easily, and normally do what they want in order to get what I want, and I could read that something about knowing me scared Justin. It was in the shaking he couldn’t control when he stayed still while I touched him. The way he watched me for weeks and never tried to do anything more. He didn’t realize that in a way we were slowly moving towards each other. Something that we were headed for when I realized he could see me.

Justin disappeared when Mikey, Emmett, and Ted came walking up to the loft. I let him go because I didn’t want to force him into dealing with my friends. I had a feeling Emmett would be too much, Ted too little, and Mikey both, around Justin. The truth is I didn’t want Mikey to act like a jealous boyfriend, and figured for once Mikey would have to deal with the asshole everyone called me, all because of a man I barely know. I stood up in hopes they missed Justin’s departure, but Mikey never missed anyone who dared to come near me.

“Was that the reason you couldn’t come tonight?” Mikey said, looking upset.

“He was asking for directions. Is there some reason you guys showed up when I said I was busy?” I let Mikey see that I wasn’t happy that he wouldn’t leave me alone.

“The club was boring and we stopped by to see if you wanted to grab a bite with us.” Emmett said, getting that I didn’t want them here.

“Michael was just concerned about you, we all are. For the last couple of days you’ve been… distant.” Ted added.

“Bullshit. He’s been acting like hanging out with us is a waste of his time. We are your friends and you can’t keep ignoring m… us. I for one would like to know what is more important, the friends who you can count on, or whatever you’ve been preoccupied with.” Mikey says, folding his arms. “In fact why don’t I go see what’s so interesting that you haven’t bothered with us.” Mikey says, starting to walk in the direction Justin went.

“It’s none of your business, and unless it becomes your business, leave it alone.” I warn Mikey.

EMMETT

Holy shit, there’s a part of Brian’s life Michael isn’t allowed in. Which also meant the man we saw leave when we were walking up means something to Brian. Which also means Michael’s world will implode, because Brian’s attention is no longer on him. I saw Brian grab the guy’s hand and the look on his face. Even from the distance I could see it wasn’t just a trick. I’ve seen enough of the way Brian works to understand what I was seeing was that this guy was anything but a trick to Brian. I saw it in the way Brian would watch the guy standing on the platform, as if they were watching each other, and keeping a distance from each other was the only way they wouldn’t give in to each other. Curiosity got the better of me, and I tried to see if anyone knew who the guy was. Only imagine my surprise when all I got were shrugs and questions to see if I knew anything about him. I kept quiet about it because Michael would have marched up and demanded to know why the guy stared at Brian. Something Brian was letting the guy do, and from the reaction just a minute ago would have ripped Michael’s head off for giving ‘the speech’ to the guy. 

The thing is, I could see that the guy didn’t want attention, so I distracted Michael to save his life. Only now I want to grab him by the hair and tell him to get over his wish for Brian to want him. And to stop doing everything he can to keep Brian from finding someone he could love one day. Maybe it’s the part of me that believes if Brian could love someone, then all of us have the chance to find love too. In our world it’s about sex and how to get it, no love or lasting relationships. It’s the world Brian reveled in. Only something changed when this guy appeared, it was so small I missed it at first. Games were normal, and Brian tricking was normal. What wasn’t normal was Brian looking at the platform each time he walked back out of the backroom, and the way he almost looked disappointed at not seeing who he wanted to be there.

The lightbulb in my head burst the other night, since I was watching the guy after Brian walked off, and saw Brian leave the trick to follow him out the door. Ted and I followed Michael, who seems to have a radar on Brian’s ass, and it would go off whenever Brian did something out of the ordinary, like running after a guy who wasn’t offering to suck his dick. After they left, Ted and I consoled Michael, who bitched about Brian forgetting about us, which was code for forgetting Michael. The next morning we sat at the diner, and Brian gave us nothing to indicate there was anything special about what he did the night before.

Michael seemed happier when it seemed like everything was back to normal, not even saying anything when a guy offered Brian his number. Brian blew him off, and Michael forgot he was pissed at Brian. Only now Brian was blowing off everything, including Michael’s unending demands for Brian’s time. This was the Michael I didn’t like, the one who looked in the direction the guy went, trying to think of a way to make Brian feel guilty about wanting anything that didn’t include Michael. While I enjoy Brian being around, I also know he doesn’t owe me his whole life. I would never tell him that I respect him for the way he takes care of everyone. But I could show him my appreciation by doing what he does for us.

“It’s time to go home, let Brian have what he asked for and leave it alone.” I tell Michael, when he stood there as if Brian would back down.

“He owes me…”

“He doesn’t owe us shit. If we want a night without him, you don’t see him questioning it. For once stop acting like Brian wants what you want, and get on with your life.” I finally said the one thing none of us said out loud but all of us knew.

“Emmett.” Ted said, trying to stop me from exposing the elephant we all pretended wasn’t in the room.

“Brian knows it would hurt you if he told you the truth, and keeps quiet for your sake, but it’s time you see the truth. He doesn’t love you the way you want him to.” I said, as kindly as I could.

“Brian?” Michael asks, in hopes to hear what he’d spent his life ruining relationships for.

“I’m not what you want me to be, I don’t think I ever can be.” Brian tells him, turning and going in the loft building, letting me be the one who takes care of Michael.

“I’ve been an idiot, all this time.” Michael said, crying when there was no way not to face the truth.

“We all are, when we want something we can’t have.” Teddy said, as if he saw the truth about his wishes. “I for one want something I can have, how about food?” He jokes, which got Michael moving with us.

In my head I thought, ‘I want someone to hold my hand the way Brian did with the guy’, as if letting go hurt.