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JUSTIN

 

Brian stayed up most of the night with me, then eventually fell asleep. He didn’t say anything when he woke up a few hours later to see me sitting up watching the sun start to rise. I thought about leaving after he fell asleep, but stayed, letting myself believe this roof top was our private world. After he fell asleep I started wandering around the roof, thinking about my life. I never really did anything different. I worked, went for walks, and most places I stopped were the same places I’d stopped for years. Places where there weren’t many people to bother me. Basically living a life that, if I disappeared one day, no one would notice. They wouldn’t know to notice, because the reality was I lived like a ghost. I thought it was what I wanted, and maybe it was when people backed away from me. Thinking of the foster homes I was in, the people who took me in weren’t the nightmares that get reported, they were people who tried. But I didn’t give them a chance because I didn’t know how to get close to people. It wasn’t like they tossed me out, but I didn’t make it seem like I wanted to stay with them. 

 

“Are you hungry?” Brian asked, after we sat and watch the day start.

 

“Is there anything to eat in your kitchen?” I joked, and surprised myself that I did.

 

Brian tried not to smile, but I could tell he wanted to. “Believe it or not, yes. When you were working to the point of exhaustion, Gus was over. It’s why I didn’t see you sooner. But anyway, Lindsay brings food over, not just for me but for Gus. Her girlfriend likes to joke that I agreed to Gus so Lindsay could mother both of us. That helped my relationship with Mel, who for years hated that Lindsay included me in her life.” Brian tells me, and I got that he was telling me things, things to explain the people in his life.

 

“That’s how it sometimes seems with Ben, like he’s, I guess trying to be a parent to a child.” I tell him.

 

“It’s bothering you about Ben?” He asked.

 

“It really shouldn’t, it’s not like there’s any reason it should. At first he tried asking things, like what I was doing, acting interested when I could see he didn’t really understand. It’s just, even when I didn’t want him around, he was someone who could say I… existed. I never knew I cared if anyone knew.” I tell him.

 

“I know.” Brian said looking at me.

 

“It scared me... that you did.” I admitted.

 

“Why?” He asks.

 

“I wanted to be able to talk to you.” I tell him.

 

“You seem to be doing okay at talking to me.” He tells me.

 

“You make it easy, by not expecting more than I can say. You don’t push me for anything, unless I want to tell you. For the first time I don’t feel like anything I say would bother you.” I tell him.

 

“I like that you don’t talk unless you have something to say. When you do talk it’s honest, not words just to say them.” He tells me.

 

“Like your friends?” He asks.

 

“I doubt they even think about what comes out of their mouths. Nothing they say really means anything to them. Sometimes it’s just noise to fill in the silence, or they don’t say what they really want to.” He tells me.

 

“They still try, even when you don’t want them to. It’s more than most people have.” I tell him.

 

“I know they do, but eventually they’re going to get lives of their own. Trailing around me isn’t going to help them.” He tells me.

 

“Because you don’t see yourself having a life different from the one you have now?” I ask.

 

 

BRIAN

 

I thought about that question, because I knew eventually my life would be different. I’d get older and the admiration would wane until I’d just be that guy who everyone used to want. It was shallow, but it was the truth. I liked being the guy everyone wanted.

 

“Because eventually I won’t be the guy everyone wants, just a has been. The things that kept my friends around me wouldn’t be there anymore.” I tell him.

 

“You think they really only stay around because of the attention they get from being your friend?” Justin asks.

 

“No. I know they aren’t really like that, but it made it easier than letting them in. I knew that when I called Emmett to help me at your house he wouldn’t ask why I wanted him to help, he’d just show up. Mikey’s mother would have asked, and it would have been out of concern. I chose Emmett because I didn’t want to overwhelm you.” I tell him.

 

“Which one is Emmett?” Justin asks.

 

“The tall one. He’s flamboyant as hell, but overall a good person. You’d probably like him, he wouldn’t care if you talked, since it would let him talk your ears off.” I said, smiling at how that conversation would go.

 

At the growl of Justin’s stomach we both laughed. “Let’s go see what Lindsay left.” I tell him, as we gathered everything. 

 

Justin trailed behind me, and I hated that I would need to go to work today. I wanted to spend more time with Justin. It was the thought that got halted when my loft door was open instead of locked. Justin looked worried until we heard Gus fussing. I went straight in to see Mel looking frazzled and Lindsay cooking in the kitchen.

 

“Sorry, I know you have to go to work but Gus has been fussy all night, and I didn’t want to take him to daycare like this. I figured he might calm down if he saw you.” Lindsay tells me, before looking in the doorway. “Oh, shit we didn’t think you would be busy.” 

 

“Sonny Boy, what did the mean women do to you?” I asked, going to take him from Mel.

 

“The mean women stayed up half the night.” Mel says teasingly, looking at Justin who stood at the door.

 

“Justin, these are my lesbians. Girls, Justin.” I said, while Gus still wouldn’t settle down.

 

“It’s nice to meet you.” Lindsay said, looking at me, since I didn’t introduce people to Gus.

 

Justin stared at Gus, and I walked over to show him what seemed to interest him. Gus’s eyes were red, he looked ready to scream until he saw Justin, and didn’t wail but looked at the new person. Gus never met a stranger, because we were careful about who we allowed around him and because of that Gus only saw people who were supposed to give him attention. He held out his arms towards Justin, and he didn’t shy away, but took Gus from me. I managed to get him in the door and to the couch, still having a staring contest with Gus. For the first time I saw an unguarded smile come from Justin, but really, my Sonny Boy could do that to anyone.

 

“Brian can you help me in the kitchen?” Lindsay said, not doing well at hiding that something was bothering her.

 

“If he wants down, let him.” I tell Justin.

 

“I can go.” Justin whispered.

 

“Or stay and let them deal with it, for showing up without calling.” I tell him, wanting to kiss him but knowing it would make him uncomfortable.

 

Lindsay was waiting with Mel when I walked over. They were whispering to each other but stopped as soon as I got over to them.

 

“I know we came over without telling you, but I thought we all agreed about well, tricks.” Lindsay said, trying not to sound upset.

 

“Like I just told Lindsay, you wouldn’t let a trick near Gus. But we are curious, since we’ve never seen him before.” Mel tells me.

 

I found myself having to explain, because they would have to get used to Justin. Truthfully Lindsay and Mel might be easier for Justin to get to know. I wanted Justin to feel included in my life, and not just the part that was only him and me. I hoped to give him the family that he never had. It was just he might not be ready for all of them, but we had to start somewhere. I wanted him to know that he wouldn’t disappear from the world without more than me or Ben knowing it. When he said that, all I wanted was to give him the things he didn’t think he’d have.

 

“Right now, he’s a friend, eventually I don’t know what he’ll be.” I tell them.

 

“Does he talk?” Mel whispered.

 

“When he has something to say.” I tell her.

 

“That will be different.” Mel jokes.

 

Mel and Lindsay didn’t ask any more questions when Gus and Justin giggled together. Gus’s thrill at whatever Justin was whispering to him lifted the doubts the girls had about the new guy. They tried not to interrogate Justin, but this was new territory for them. Only, Mel asked the right questions about what Justin did for a living, and he didn’t have a problem telling them.

 

“I find the people who hack into systems for my boss and shut them down.” Justin tells Mel.

 

“Computer genius. We could use one of those. Somehow no matter how many virus protectors we buy, our computer gets filled with them.” Lindsay tells him.

 

“Computer viruses change and mutate, just like all viruses. Hackers continue to find a way to get what they want.” Justin tells her.

 

“What got you involved with computers?” Mel asks.

 

I almost tried to tell the girls to back off, but Justin didn’t seem to mind answering when Mel seemed to really want to know.

 

“I like numbers and solving things, when I’m searching for what the person did, I’m also looking for a pattern to their work. Most people don’t start by hacking big corporations, they start small, seeing if they can get away with it, but they stick to the same patterns. My boss hired me because I can see the patterns, but I agreed because it was something I could do without people around me.” Justin tells her.

 

“Do you ever look to see if something the hacker did caused others to suffer?” Mel asks.

 

Justin smiled at Mel, as if she asked him something he didn’t expect. “Yes. And I make sure someone knows where to find the person and the money.”

 

“Does Julian know you do that?” I ask.

 

“He doesn’t care, as long as I do what he wants.” Justin tells me.

 

“Who’s Julian?” Mel asks.

 

“My boss, Julian Yates.” Justin said, noticing Lindsay’s reaction. “You know him?” Justin asks her.

 

“Of him. My family would love to say they were friends. I always got the feeling that unless he saw a reason to use you, he didn’t bother with you.” Lindsay tells him.

 

“We need to get going, or we’ll be late to work. It was nice to meet you, maybe you and Brian could have dinner with us one night, since Gus seems to like you.” Mel said, getting their things.

 

“I need to get to work too.” I tell Justin.

 

“I should go home anyway.” Justin tells me.

 

“I’ll call you and we can do something later.” I tell him.

 

“Okay.” Justin says, walking out the door, leaving me with Mel and Lindsay, who were no longer in a hurry to leave.

 

“Is this why you haven’t been out with everyone lately?” Lindsay asks.

 

“Lindsay.” Mel said, hoping to stop her.

 

“He has a hard time with too many people. I don’t want him to feel like he has deal with anyone if he isn’t ready.” I tell her.

 

“He did okay with us and Gus.” Lindsay tells me.

 

“Imagine what it would be like with the guys and Deb. Right now he’s comfortable with me, and I don’t want to give him a reason to be uncomfortable.” I tell them.

 

“Why would he be? And take this as me wanting to help you.” Mel tells me.

 

“He’s lived most of his life without many people in it. Somehow he connected to me, and in turn I saw in him what he was seeing in me. I like being with him, getting to know him. But he needs time to get comfortable with people.” I tell them.

 

“You care that much about him?” Lindsay asks.

 

“He makes me want things I didn’t know I wanted.” I tell her.

 

“We’ll help in any way you need us to.” Mel tells me. 

 

“Sonny Boy, Dada has to go to work, and you have to go to baby prison.” I said, to avoid anymore talk.

 

“It’s day care, Kinney.” Mel complained, dragging Lindsay behind her.

 

“We like him.” Lindsay shouted.

 

I thought, I like him too, only it was going to a place I’ve never been with anyone. Which meant figuring out what Julian’s problem was and how it involved Ben.


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