Chapter 14

Jarod waved  down a cab and folded Justin into it.  As Jarod got in he gave the cabby his address. He then collected Justin in his arms, while he first sat their motionless and then slowly  broke into a million pieces. He sobbed like someone whose heart was broken and who had lost his soul, because he had.

Brian stood in his office after he had thrown Justin out.  Everyone had to keep butting into his business. Literally.  His business was doing well. He was in control of it again. He didn’t need Justin in the office.  His staff was well trained and he trusted them, most of the time. Justin had a business of his own and he didn’t have to come around here and tell him how to run his. What made him an expert on how to manage his clients?

As these thoughts ran through his head he moved to his desk and took out his bottle of pills and washed several down with the Jim Beam he had in his drawer.  That is when he sensed movement in the office. Shit, he forgot Dan was there. How did he forget that?

Dan grabbed the bottle of pills out of his hand.  “What the hell do you think you are doing?” Dan confronted Brian.  “Do you have any idea what you just did?

“Of course, I do.  He keeps meddling in my business when he has a business of his own to run.  I don’t need his help anymore.”

“OK, let’s say that’s true here at the office.  What about at home? I take it you are comfortable cooking for yourself.  How about shopping? Getting back and forth to work?” As Dan talked Brian deflated.  Soon his head was laying on his desk. At first Dan thought he was crying. Then he realized he had passed out.  He checked his pulse. It was a bit erratic but it was strong. After touching base with the doctor who prescribed the meds Dan felt secure that right now Brian wasn’t in danger but if this continued, uncontrolled he could kill himself.

Daphne stuck her head in the office looking a little shell shocked.  “Is it as bad as it looked?”

“It may be worse.  I really don’t know what happened.  He just threw Justin out of the office and basically out of his life.”

“That doesn’t surprise me,” Daphne replied.  “When he knows he is on a downward slide or thinks he is holding someone back he removes them from his life.  He has done it before.”

“But I bet before he could function on his own?”

“Ya, does he know he screwed himself?”

“Considering the pills and booze he took I think he has a pretty good idea.  I’ll wake him up and take him home in a little bit. He and I will have a conversation tomorrow. Not sure what I am going to say but obviously I am not going to let him crash but if he keeps it up I won’t be there to rescue him.”

“I hope I didn’t overstep my bounds but I called Ted and Cynthia. They have a right to know what is going on. Ted is going to work out his schedule and come down for a month or so.”

“I think you needed to do that, Daph.  I know you only have his best interest in mind.  Why don’t you head out. I will wake sleeping beauty and you don’t need to be here in case he gets ugly.” Dan gave Daphne a little squeeze and she stepped out to a waiting Gale.

Dan walked over to Brian and shook his shoulder while calling his name. “Brian, it’s time to wake up.  Time to go home.”

In his confused state he said, “Where’s Justin?” After a pause he answered himself, “That’s right, I threw him out. Best thing for him.”

Dan noticed Brian was thinking only about Justin.  He also knew it didn’t pay to talk to Brian now about plans.  He probably wouldn’t remember the conversation. “Come on, Buddy, let me get you home and then we can figure out what to do.”

Dan was helping Brian stand when Brian just dropped back in his chair. “What did I do?  I can’t live without him. What did I do?” He dropped his head on his desk and sobbed.

Tomorrow Dan would tell him exactly what he did.  He was sure he would need a couple drinks to fortify himself tonight.  Brian needed tough love and he would not stand around and watch him sink. The dilemma he had was whether Brian could stay alone tonight. He decided Brian would have to fend for one night.  He would be close by. And face it, Brian was going to take the drugs whether he was in the house or not. He couldn’t stop, especially in his current state of mind.

Jarod guided Justin into his apartment. He settled him on the couch and poured him a strong drink. Then for lack of a better thing to do he sat next to him and collected him close. Words weren’t necessary right now.  Justin would talk when he was ready.

The next morning the two men still sat on the couch. Justin had finally fallen asleep around 3:00 a.m. without saying a word. Jarod managed to get him laying down with Justin’s head in his lap. He dozed a bit but most of the time he looked at his beautiful, broken baby. He ran his fingers through that spun gold hair.  All he wanted to do was make it better for Justin, no matter what that took.

Jarod had to  use the bathroom.  He slowly slid out and put a pillow under Justin’s head. After using the bathroom he came back and found Justin sitting up.

“Morning,” Justin rubbed his eyes. “Thanks.”

“There is nothing to thank me for.”

“Yes, there is. Thanks for just letting me be here.  No questions.”

“I figured you just needed to be.  You will tell me what you need to tell me”  Jarod moved to Justin feeling he could use some physical contact.  He wrapped his arms around him. “Whenever you want to talk you know I am here.”

Brian woke up in what felt like his bed.  He reached over and found his talking alarm clock so he knew he was right.  He had no idea how he had gotten here. The only thing he really knew was that his heart was no longer here and there was an empty shell of one left in his chest.  He wondered where Sunshine was and then he wished he hadn’t thought about it. He was sure he went to Jarod’s. That’s what he wanted wasn’t it? He screwed up and now he was going to pay the consequences.  He knew he should not drink with those pills. He knew it. The pills weren’t a problem it was the booze. He was like his father that way. God, he had a headache. He reached for his pills. He would just take a couple. His clock told him it was a little after 8:00 in the morning.  He needed coffee. He could manage that, as long as they had pods in the house.

.Justin leaned into Jarod.“I need to feel something. I just need to feel anything. I’m sorry, but I need you.  No promises. I just need to fuck. I just need to know I’m not dead inside.” He pulled Jarod’s head to him and, a little tentative at first, he was soon deepening his intent.  He put more pressure on Jarod’s lips and Jarod responded by taking control.

Jarod didn’t rush anything.  He pulled his own shirt off and then pulled off Justin’s.  His mouth traced Justin’s neck and down to his collarbone and traced it with his tongue. He repeated it on the other side. He lowered his head to Justin’s nipple and ran his tongue around until Justin moaned.  He switched sides and repeated it. Justin’s hands were up and down Jarod’s back and arms. Jarod started pulling away and Justin clung to him. “Baby,” he extended his hand. Justin took it and Jarod led them to the bedroom. He unbuckled Justin’s pants and slid them down.  He then repeated it for himself. Very gently Jarod lay Justin down and joined him. Justin was so beautiful. He wanted him so badly but he was not rushing anything. His hand slid down Justin’s chest and abdomen and then it dipped lower. He took Justin’ erection in his hand and slowly stroked it.  His mouth followed his hand and took Justin in his mouth. He licked and gently sucked until he was tasting Justin’s salty precum.

“What do you want, Baby?  What do you need? Do you want my mouth? Do you need to fuck me?’

“Fuck me! Now!  Don’t be gentle just fuck me. You can’t really hurt me. I need to feel it.”

As Brian came down the stairs he smelled coffee.  His heart did a little jump. Justin had defied him before maybe he came back anyway.  “Sunshine?” No one responded. Just then he felt a pain in his chest. It wasn’t anything physical.  It was like his soul had left him, or at least part of it.

“No, Jarod, I need all of you, NOW!”  Justin pushed back as Jarod slammed into him.  Justin yelled in what Jarod had to believe was pain but he seemed to want, to need more.

Jarod continued to pound Justin as he knew he had to be hurting him.  Then Justin let out another cry but this one was one of release. Jarod joined him as Justin’s sphincter tightened around him.  Jarod lay draped over Justin for a few more seconds and then flipped to his back on the bed, taking Justin with him. He reached to take Justin’s hand but Justin pulled it away. He noticed Justin’s tear streaked cheeks.

“Are you alright? Did I hurt you?”

“No, you did just what I asked you to.  Thank you.” Justin’s demiener was still flat.  Jarod was afraid it would take a bit to get Justin back. He just hoped he was there when it happened.

“Dan?  Is that you?”

Dan almost made one of his cynical remarks and decided better.  “Ya, it’s me. I see you found the coffee. I stopped in about an hour ago and decided you would need some when you woke up.”

“Thanks. I am guessing I owe you for getting me home, too?”

“Who else would take care of a jackass like you?”

“Can you let me finish my first cup of coffee before you tell me everything I already know?” He brought the cup up to his lips again.

Dan poured a cup for himself and sat across from Brian. “What do you remember about yesterday?”

“I had a potential client who was a real diva.  After the 4th totally ludicrous idea I just told them we weren’t the agency for them.” There was a pause. “OK, I may have mentioned that no reputable agency would  use their crazy ideas. Well, they left and, yes, there was some fairly loud comments back and forth.” Brian took another swallow of the hot liquid. He winced partly because it was hot but mostly because of what happened later. “I decided I needed a drink after that. The rest of the day is kind of fuzzy. I know, I can’t drink on these pills.”

“You take half the fun out of dressing you down when you do it to yourself. You aren’t only drinking with those pills but you are taking far more than you are supposed to.  Two a day is all you should use most days. Three at the outside. Brian, I have been doing some checking and if I am calculating correctly you are pushing ten times the prescribed amount.”

“How do you know that?”  Dan wasn’t sure if Brian was embarrassed or pissed.

“Brian, by now you know I have connections.  Someone tapped into a database at several pharmacies.  Love the stories...poor blind guy dropped his pills, blind guy mugged and pills stolen. Yes, I saw several at several pharmacies.  I first couldn’t figure out how you were doing until I realized you use a lot of messenger services. I am guessing you have one of them working for you.  Maybe even getting illegals off the street for you.”

“You have no right to fuck with my life. Your high powered friends pulling strings.  That’s illegal.”

“Oh, that is priceless! You worried about me doing something illegal.” That quieted Brian.

“Brian, I see it two ways.  You clean yourself up. No more drugs, I don’t care if they are from a doctor. I will help you.”

“Or?”

“You are on your own.  You hire help an see what happens to your life.”

“Number 2.  I need the pills to run my company.  I have to be able to focus. Dan, you don’t know what it is like.  Do you hear them?”

“Hear what? The birds.”

When Dan thought about it he could hear birds somewhere. “Ya, I hear them.”

“But do you hear them chatting to each other.  Do you hear the rustling of the trees? I can’t focus when all I hear is birds or maybe it is a smell.  All I can think about is another cup of coffee.”

“Brian, I am not trying to minimize your situation but, Brian, you cannot go on like this.”

“Dan, I will cut back.  I won’t drink, but I can’t give it up.”

“I’m sorry, Brian, I will help you out until you hire someone but I can’t watch you kill yourself.”

With that Dan left Brian to think.

Jarod woke up a couple hours later to an empty bed.  He pulled on some shorts and then went out to the living room.  He found Justin standing by the window with a cup of coffee in his hand.  Jarod wanted to slip his arms around him but knew he needed permission right now.  He loved Justin but he knew Justin wasn’t ready for anything real. His emotions were still wrapped up with Brian but he would wait for him as long as it took.  

“Good Morning, again.” Jarod said as he walked up to Justin.

“Morning.”  

“I will make breakfast.  You have to be hungry.”

“I don’t think I could eat anything.”

“Justin, you have to eat. I will make some eggs and toast.” Jarod started walking away but Justin grabbed his hand and pulled Jarod back. Justin turned into him and again claimed Jarod’s lips.  

“I can’t think and the only time I don’t think is when my body feels and my body feels,” He stripping off Jarod’s shorts in one swift motion.  Justin dropped to his knees and enclose his mouth around Jarod. Jarod remembered the first time Justin had done this to him. The first time anyone had done this to him.  Jarod had learned a few things as he completed the tour without Justin. He was going to show him what he learned. He didn’t have the experience Justin had but he could bring him pleasure.  Hopefully, enough pleasure for him to begin healing. Jarod spent the entire day with Justin in bed. He made Justin scream in pleasure as he brought him to orgasm after orgasm until they both just lay on the bed. They fell asleep mid afternoon and slept until 7:00.  Jarod was hungry and he knew Justin needed to eat. Jarod called for a pizza but before it arrived Justin was already touching and stroking him.

“Justin, Baby, we both need a break’

“I can’t take a break.  I need to do something. I can’t let my body just be. But it doesn’t matter what I do.  Or how beautiful you make me feel, I am dead inside. My heart and soul aren’t with me. They didn’t belong to me so they are dying with Brian.” Jarod noticed Justin was gone again.  He just let him have some space.

The pizza arrived and  as they ate Justin seemed to relax a bit.  “Justin, you know I am here for you, right?”

“You have been great, Jarod.  I am sorry I ….”

“I understand, well I don’t, but I know what your relationship was like and I know you aren’t going to be over him tomorrow.  Just know, I am here for anything you need.”

Brian tried to think of who he could call.  He didn’t have that many friends in the city.  He was going to have to hire someone. The only name he could think of was Janna.  He called her Saturday afternoon. “Janna, could you come over this afternoon, how about dinner.  I can order Chinese.”

Janna noticed Brian’s use of I instead of we.  Something had happened and if those men had fallen out Janna wasn’t sure how either of them would survive.  They were one person in two bodies, two people with one soul, Neither of them would survive without the other.

Janna arrived at 6:00 pm as scheduled. Brian had Chinese arrive at the same time she did.  

As they ate, Brian gave her the basic rundown.  He told her there was a fight and that Justin would not be coming back.  He touched on the pills and alcohol and that he had made the mistake of taking both. He offered her a live in position,  double her current pay, until he could live on his own.

“Can you give me a couple days to think about it?  I will tell you Monday when I get to your office.”

“If it is the money I can give you more.” For a minute Brian’s face was no longer all business. “Janna, I don’t know who else to turn to. I don’t know what to do.”

“Monday, I will see if I can get a leave of absence. Are you OK for the rest of the weekend?”

“I will never be OK again, but will I survive the weekend? Ya.  See you Monday.”

As much as Jarod wanted to make love to Justin all the time he knew, even if Justin didn’t see it, that was not what he needed.  He had to get refocused and begin a life of his own. Jarod hoped that would be with him but if it wasn’t he would cope as long as Justin ended up happy.

Justin knew he had died the day Brian threw him out but he still was worried for him.  He contacted Ted and found out Daphne was already on top of that.

A couple weeks later he knew he had to give Lindsey a call.  Next week Brian was supposed to have Gus but Gus didn’t need to see his dad like this.  

“Hey, Linds,”

“Justin, how are you?You have been gone everytime we talk to Brian lately.  Gus is so excited about coming to New York City next week and I have to admit Mel and I are thrilled.  We are going to have out first child free vacation in years. J.R. is going to spend time with Ben and Michael. So it works for you and Brian to have Gus for the week, right?

“There is a little issue. With Brian.”

“Don’t worry, Gus understands Brian can’t see anymore.  He has grown up so much lately.”

“Too bad Brian hasn’t.”

“What are you talking about, Justin?”

“Brian, was given some meds to help him adjust to his blindness but he has started abusing them, Linds.”

“Oh, Justin,  is he getting help?”  

“I really don’t know.  He kicked me out. I am staying with my friend but we would love to have Gus for the week.  I will try to manage some time for them together but Gus’s safety is most important and Gus’s image of his dad needs to stay untarnished.”

“Thank you, Sunshine.  I know Gus will love spending time with you,” she hesitated, “And your friend but Gus doesn’t need to see you with someone else.”

“Linds, I know you trust me and I promise Jarod and I will not do anything that will mess with Gus’s impressions. I will call Bri...”

“Thanks, Justin, but I will call Brian.  And I will tell him he no longer has visitation rights until he gets his shit back together.”

“Thanks, Lindsey.”

It was inevitable they would run into each other.  It had been a couple weeks and Justin needed to stop by the house and  get at least some of his things and Jarod insisted on coming along. It made sense.  He could pick up twice as much stuff. He figured a Monday afternoon would be as good as any other time.  

They arrived and the house was empty. Justin just grabbed a couple garbage bags and they headed upstairs.  Justin pointed Jarod to some drawers. He started emptying drawers as Justin went into the bathroom to get other personal items.  Both Jarod and Justin heard the voices downstairs. “Oh, shit, Brian’s home early.” Justin said. “And it sounds like Janna is with him.”Brian was in a rage.  He heard Gus’ name. “Lindsey must have called him.”

“We may as well face the music and get the hell out of here.” Jarod said. He leaned over and gave Justin a quick kiss and squeeze as the headed to the steps.

Justin spoke up, “Sorry, Brian, I wanted to be out of your way before you got home.  Just grabbing my clothes.”

“Your clothes.  Taking that like you’re taking my son.  Couldn’t keep your mouth shut. Do you really think I would do anything to harm Gus.  I love Sunny Boy. I would never do anything to him.”

“Brian I know you would never harm him when you were thinking clearly but, Brian, you aren’t thinking like yourself.”

“You don’t know who I am. Not anymore.”

“That’s the problem, Brian, you aren’t who you used to be.  I love Gus too much for him to see you like this.”

“Janna, are you….staying here?”

“Yes, I am going to stay here until Brian can live by himself”

“I’m glad, I know he is in good care, then. Thanks, Janna.” Justin walked up to her and gave her a kiss on the cheek. “Take care of him, but leave before he kills you, too.

Janna nodded but at the same time Brian came across the room at Justin. Jarod stepped in Brian’s path.  Brian sensed him and knew it had to be Jarod. He swung his fist and caught Jarod with a glancing blow on the chin.  Jarod didn’t hesitate. He pulled back and popped Justin hard enough to send him to the floor where he hit his head on the bottom of the step.

“Brian, Oh God, Brian! Are you alright?”  

Justin kneeled next to Brian. “Oh, Baby.” Justin reached around and felt blood on the back of Brian’s head.  “Oh, God!” Brian moaned.

Though Janna had never met Jarod she looked at him and said, “Jarod, I presume.” He nodded. “I think it is best if you take Justin where ever he is staying now, before Brian wakes  up. I will make sure he gets checked out but he seems to becoming out of it already.”

Jarod nodded and went to where Justin was at Brian’s side.  “Justin, we need to go. Janna has this. It will be harder on him if we stay.” Jarod knew he had to make this about Brian or Justin wouldn’t leave.

Justin stood and walked toward the door. “Janna, please, call me when you know something and I will contact you to set up a visit when Gus is here.”

Jarod grabbed both bags they had collected and they both walked out the door. Jarod, after seeing Justin’s face, knew it would be a long time before Justin was able to make any life choices as long as he had contact with Brian and it was obvious Justin wasn’t ready to give him up.

Janna hoped this job was worth it.  Her first day on the job, Brian had a major meltdown at work and then another at home.  She should have asked for more.money.

Brian had only been out about a minute when he started coming to. Janna grabbed a towel and pressed it on Brian’s head.  It was a very small cut and had already nearly quit bleeding. “‘Brian, hey Brian, do you know who I am?”

“Janna, what happened? Justin, is Justin still here? I screwed up again!  What is wrong with me?

“Are you really asking me or was that a rhetorical question?”

Brian nodded.  “My first answer is you are an addict.  And my second is, you are human.”

“Janna, I don’t think I am ready to change that first one yet.  But I am going to really try to take the dosage they way I am supposed to and I really plan to stop drinking on them. Are you willing to help me, Janna?”

“On one condition, when you kick this habit you will work on getting Justin back, if he is willing to have you back.”

“You know I’m not living now. My life ends when we are apart.”

“So, why did you throw him out?”

“Because he deserves to live a life without the baggage of a blind addict. He has his own career and I won’t help that.”

“You do know that isn’t the way he sees it. You have ripped out his heart.”

Janna helped him stand up and sit on the couch.  Let me get some ice for your head.” When she got out the ice she noticed there was nothing in the freezer.  She pulled open the refrigerator and it was nearly empty, too. She brought the ice over to Brian and put it on his head.

“Thanks.”

“I don’t know what you eat in this house but there is nothing here. Are you OK if I run to the store for an hour?  Brian, do you promise to not take another pill while I’m gone?”

“I promise, besides, I have a massive headache.  I am just going to take a nap.”

Janna was concerned but not overly.  Brian threw her his wallet. “Buy whatever.”

She returned an hour later to find Brian in the same  spot. “Hey, how’s the head?”

“Maybe a little better.”  He sat up and let out a groan.  “OK, maybe not better.”

Janna made them some dinner and Brian ate a little.  She was starting to wonder if she should have made him go in.  

“I’m going to bed. I’ll see you in the morning.”

“Brian, where do you keep all your pills?”

He didn’t answer.

“Think about it, Brian. I won’t cut you off, I promise.”

Justin worried around the apartment until Janna texted him later.   Brian had eaten and gone to bed.

Jarod walked up behind him and wrapped his arms around Justin.  “Everything alright?”

“Ya, he is ok.”

“I didn’t mean to hurt him, Justin.  He just was charging you and i had to step in.”

“I know you didn’t mean to hurt him.” Justin kissed Jarod. They had only had sex a couple times since that first time. Jarod deepened the kiss and Justin responded. Jarod realized Justin only needed him after seeing Brian but at this point he would take that. Just seeing Brian turned Justin on. Jarod pulled Justin close.  He reached under Justin’s shirt and started lifting it up. Many times this is where Justin would stop him but not tonight. Justin grabbed at Jarod’s shirt and pulled it over his head. Justin was frantic. Living with Brian sex was a staple. Since he wasn’t there anymore…

Justin needed to be close to someone.  His frustration in every way was high. It was his turn to take charge. He needed to be in charge of his own life.

‘We are going to the bedroom, NOW.”

Jarod wasn’t sure where this Justin came from but he didn’t mind it.  It was obvious he was in charge tonight. He saw a look in Justin’s eyes he hadn’t seen before.  

“Strip!” While Jarod took off his clothes Justin was rummaging through some drawers. Soon he had a couple ties.  He had Jarod on his stomach. He tied Jarod’s hands with the ties to the headboard. Next he went to the bathroom.  He found the oil he was looking for. It was his night to get release. He drizzled oil down Jarod’s spine. He rubbed the oil first into his shoulders.  He worked his way slowly down his back. He spent time running his fingers up and down Jarod’s sides tickling him with no mercy. He then did a deep massage on his lower back.  

Jarod moaned.  

“I have just gotten started.”  He continued working the muscles in his lower back and then he poured the oil down Jarod’s crack.  Justin ran his fingers up and down Jarod’s crack.

“Oh, god, Justin.”

“You are not coming yet.” Justin started running a finger around Jarod’s asshole. Justin felt in loosening a bit and then he started dipping in.  He then jabbed a finger in as deep as he could reaching for his prostate.

“Justin, I can’t…..”

“Yes, you can!”

Jarod was nearly in tears trying to follow Justin’s directions.  He would do anything for Justin.

“On your knees.”  Jarod struggled but managed to get his knees under him. Justin stripped off his pants and grabbed a condom.  In one swift motion Justin had entered Jarod the entire length of his shaft. Jarod let out a shout. Justin wasn’t sure if it was pain or pleasure but Justin continued with long, hard strokes. “Are you ready?”

“Oh, god, yes!”

One more stoke and both Justin and Jarod released at the same time.  Jarod seemed to shake for a very, long time. Over and over he moaned.

Justin rolled under him and kissed him before untying his hands. He was a little worried about Jarod’s reaction.  Jarod was such a baby when it came to sex Justin didn’t really care tonight. He needed control of something and that happened to be Jarod.

Both men lay on their backs looking at the ceiling.  Justin took a sideways glance at Jarod. “You OK? Not sure why I thought I needed to be in control of something tonight.  And you were here.”

Jarod took a couple breathes.  “Justin, I have never been more turned on in my life! I didn’t know you had that side to you but even more crazy is I almost wished you would go on with the activities, if you  know what I mean.”

Jarod took Justin’s hand and started interlacing his finger with Justin’s but before he could do it Justin snatched his hand back.

Brian was doing his best to follow Janna’s medication schedule but he still had a stash she didn’t know about and he did take a few of those.  He had been good about not drinking at work. He still had a bottle available but hadn’t found a need for it. It was Thursday and he new Gus was coming into town tomorrow.  His son was coming to town but he wasn’t allowed to be alone with him. And maybe that was a good thing. He was a pretty useless father now. Janna wouldn’t be here to pick him up for a couple hours and he didn’t have any appointments.  Before he knew it he had taken a few more pills and Jim Beam came out of hiding.

No one was sure what happened but when Janna arrived Brian was laying on the floor of his office. He wasn’t injured.  He was just high and drunk.

Janna shook her head as she walked in.  How had she gotten herself into this mess. “Brian, hey Brian.”

Brian’s eyes fluttered open. He squinted his eyes.  It was so bright. “Who are you? Janna?” He blinked again and everything was dark again.

Brian had said her name and then mumbled something about being bright.

“What did you do, Brian? I thought you had given me all your pills and  I thought you weren’t drinking here anymore.”

He was still really out of it but Janna understood ‘Gus’.  That actually made sense. He had been trying. He really had but his son was coming to town and the mother said he couldn’t stay with Brian.  That had to be painful. She trusted Justin would try to get them together a few times but if anyone else found out about tonight he may even lose that chance.

After she got him home and he had sobered up, Brian said, “Janna, are you wearing purple today?”

Instinctively she looked down.  Her top was purple. “Brian, how did you know that?”

“I saw you. For just a split second my sight was back. Everything was really hazy but I saw purple.”  

He had to be telling the truth or why would he have picked purple.

Jarod had tried to entice Justin into some more games in the bedroom but most nights Justin gave him a quick kiss and turned away from him.  It was getting harder and harder on him. After Gus left next week they needed to talk but it would wait.

Justin met Gus at the airport.  Gus was nearly 6 now. It had been far to long since he had seen Brian’s son, their son. When Justin saw him coming he dropped to his knees and opened his arms.  “Jusssstttttiiiinnnnnnnnnn.” He threw himself into the open arms.

“GUS! It is so good to see you. I think you have grown at least 6 inches since I saw you.”

Jarod stood a few steps away.  The contrast between Justin’s blond head and Gus’s dark locks was striking.  He could see the love between them. Just one more thing tying Justin to Brian.

Brian had a couple more incidents on Friday and Saturday when he thought he saw light or shadows but it was always fleeting.  He didn’t bother saying anything because what difference did it make. Having a shadow pass his eyes didn’t solve anything.

As Sunday rolled around Brian was very excited.  He was very careful to only take the prescribed amount of pills.  Gus was coming here. Gus loved playing in their hidden garden. Justin wasn’t sure it was such a good idea considering his last visit  but this was for Gus. Jarod agreed to stay home so there would be less tension and Dan said he would be around.

Justin punched in the gate code and Gus ran down the path.  Across the garden he saw Brian. “DAD!” Brian bent down on his haunches and waited for the impact of his son.  He wrapped his arms around him and swung him in circles. Brian realized too late that wasn’t a good idea. He was disoriented.  He didn’t know which way the house was. From the look on Brian’s, Justin could tell what had happened as he walked. “Hello, Brian.”

Just hearing Justin’s voice affected Brian to the core.  By him speaking, Brian was able to get his bearings again because he knew Justin would be on the path.but more than that his heart exploded in joy and pain.  It had been so long since his heart had beat like this. He missed him so much. Brian and Justin sat on the patio while Gus explored like only little boys can.  At one point Gus climbed up on Brian’s lap and snuggled into his arms and Brian just held his son. Hearing the little boy chatter and then slow down as he dozed off from all the exercise and sun he had gotten.  

“Brian, I can go make us some lunch if you would like me to.”  

Just hearing his name roll of Justin’s lips made his loins ache.There were so many things he wanted to ask and say but he had no right.  “I think there is something already made up in the fridge. I could get it but,” He pulled Gus a bit closer.

Justin headed to the house.  Without thinking he ran his hand across Brian’s shoulders.  He tilted his head down and for the briefest of moments he saw Gus’s face.  A tear rolled down his cheek. He was with the two people he loved most in the world and he couldn’t be alone with either of them.

When Justin came back out he noticed Brian’s tears. “You, OK?”  

“Yes, I just missed him.” He wanted to add  and you. “I hope things are going well for you, Justin. Have you been painting anything special recently.”

“I haven’t painted anything for a while.”  Justin wanted to add that it was hard to paint without a beating heart.

Gus stirred and soon was eating a sandwich and chips and then off running again.

Far to soon for Brian it was time for them to go.  “When can you come again? Or when can I see him?”

“Does Tuesday work for you?  Pizza at the place around the corner?  Is 6:00 too early?”

“That will work for me.”

“Hey, Gus, time to say goodbye.  In two days we will see your dad again.  We can have pizza together. How does that sound?”

“Yeah! Can Jarod come with us then too?  I like Jarod.?”

“He might be busy but we’ll ask him. Now, give your dad a kiss.”

Brian leaned over so Gus could give him a kiss.

Gus said, “Justin aren’t you going to kiss Daddy goodbye?”

Justin leaned in and kissed Brian’s cheek. “I will see you Tuesday.  I will text details.”

“Love you, Son,”

Justin took Gus’s hand and they left the magic garden.  Brian was left sitting in a chair as everything seemed to wither including his heart.

When Janna arrived back at Brian’s she found him sitting at the table on the patio.  “How’d it go? Did you have a good time? Any issues?”

“Fine, Yes, and No.” There was no inflection in his voice.  It was like he was empty

“Well, thanks for the informative conversation. I’m sorry, Brian.  Do you want to talk about it?”

“I saw Gus’s face.  Just for a second but I saw it. I don’t want to get my hopes up.  Don’t tell anyone, please.”

“Brian, maybe we should take you to the doctor.”

“What will that change? They said there is nothing they can do.  If it comes back it comes back. I have chased Justin away. I am not allowed to be with Gus alone.  I guess the upside to that is I get to listen to Justin breath. Oh, and I found out my son, MY SON, likes Justin’s new boyfriend. I wonder if he’s jumped in bed with them like he always did with us.”

“Brian, you made a good impression today.  Keep this up and soon you will be spending lots of time with Gus. Isn’t that what is important.” Brian couldn’t talk.  He nodded.

Justin and Gus came in the apartment laughing and giggling. Jarod had his doubts about having Gus stay with them.  He’s Brian’s son. However, he was a special little kid. Jarod did like him. And he couldn’t help who his father is. Jarod looked at Justin’s face and saw he was having a hard time holding it together.

“Hey, Gus, you look like you are a little warm.  How about a popsicle? He led him to the kitchen, got the treat and sat him in front of the TV watching cartoons.  

Justin had gone to their bedroom and Jarod found him standing at the window.  Jarod wasn’t sure what his reaction would be. He stepped up behind Justin and pulled him against him. He hated seeing Justin hurting but the fact that he was hurting because of Brian made it all the harder. “What did he do this time?”

“He didn’t do anything.  He was so happy to see Gus. He seemed to be clean, or at least doing well.”

“Isn’t that good?  He is moving on.”

“He isn’t moving on.  He isn’t moving at all. I’m so sorry, Jarod.  You are are amazing! You have no flaws. You are kind, generous, tender, loving…”

“Stop. Don’t say it.  I know you don’t love me. Let me reword that.  I know you aren’t in love with me. I know you do love me. But I also know your heart will only belong to him.  I’m OK with that. I have enough love for both of us.” At this point he turned Justin to face him. “Baby, I will do anything, anything to make you happy.”  He started lowering his mouth but Justin put up a hand.

“Jarod, I need to think. Would you please go check on our son?”

That one small word said it all.  Jarod stepped back from Justin and went to check on Gus.

Tuesday Justin texted Brian and said Gus and he would pick him up at 6:00. Brian hoped that meant that Jarod wouldn’t be there. It hadn’t been Brian’s best day.  He knew he had taken far more of the pills than he was supposed to but he didn’t take a drink when he was stressed. The after effects however were making him very jittery tonight.  God, he wanted a drink. Maybe just a beer. He started walking toward his refrigerator.

“Brian, the excessive pills you took today are blurring your judgement.” Janna had just walked in the door. “You are eating with your son and the love of your life, which by the way, you threw out. Do you really want to be more impaired than you obviously are now?”

“It is obvious?”

“I know your eyes aren’t working but your pupils are still the size of pins. You are fidgety.  I would say it is pretty obvious. And, when you get back we need to talk about this arrangement.”

The buzzer on the gate sounded. “We’ll talk when you get home. Go meet your family.”

Gus walked between Justin and Brian the short distance to the pizza shop.  The pizza was ordered and Gus went to play in the playground near their table. Both men were quiet. Then at the same time the men started talking.

“Go ahead, Justin.” Brian said.

Justin had a tone to his voice that Brian was unsure about.  “You couldn’t even have dinner without being high. I had planned to tell you tonight that I was moving into my own place but I am not sure I can deal with this on my own. I can’t watch you destroy yourself without support.”

At that moment Gus cried out.  Justin was out of his chair instantly and rushed to Gus. “Hey, Gussy. What happened?” Gus held up a scraped elbow. Oh, poor, Baby.”

“I’m not a baby.”

“No, you’re not.  You are being very brave.”

An employee came over to check on them and brought a band aide.

Brian was listening nearby and could tell it was nothing serious. As he blinked he could see a little light again and although it was fuzzy Brian could see Justin putting the band aide on Gus’s elbow, kiss it, and then pull him into his arms for a hug and kiss.  With that Gus ran back to play and Brian was again in the dark. “And that’s why he was going to get clean.”

Justin had said very little to him the rest of the evening and when they dropped him off at the gate Gus gave him a hug but Justin didn’t talk about scheduling another meeting with Gus. The only thing he said was to Gus.  “Hey, Buddy, let’s go find Jarod.”

Brian was fairly sure that was said specifically to hurt him.  He heard Gus’s small voice get quieter as they walked away. Brian pulled out his phone and pressed number 7.

“Ted Schmitt.”

“When are you coming to New York?”

“I scheduled it for next week. What’s up?”

“Is Blake coming?”

“Yes, Brian why are you asking?”

“I need help.  I need Blake’s help.”

“Brian, we will be there tomorrow.”

Justin and Gus arrived back at their apartment.  “Gus, why don’t you get ready for a bath.”

“Ah, Justin.”

“Nope you need to clean up. I will get the water started and if you promise to do a good job I won’t help, deal?”

“You will help with my hair?”

“Of course, I will help you.  You just let me know when you are ready.”

Once Gus was settled with toys and bubbles Justin left him, though he was very close at all times.

“Jarod.”

“What’s up, Justin?”

He barely had the words out of his mouth when Justin reached up and pulled Jarod’s mouth down to meet his. After a searing kiss Brian said,  “I know it’s not fair to you but I need you tonight. If the answer is no I understand.”

Jarod bent down to claim Justin’s lips again. “I am always here for you.”

“Justin, I’m ready.”

“Be right there, Buddy.” Justin looked up at Jarod.  I will be back in a few minutes.

After tucking Gus into bed, Justin walked into their bedroom.  Jarod had lit candles and opened a bottle of wine. He gently took Justin in his arms and looked into his beautiful, blue eyes.  “What do you need tonight, Baby? Tell me what you need. Whatever you want I will do for you.”

“Use me. Just remember,” He nodded to the door.

Jarod used more finesse than he had the first night Justin moved in. He moved slowly.  He unbuttoned each button, kissing Justin’s chest after each one. The last button led to the pant dropping to the ground.  Jarod the briefs down. He dropped down and untangled the pants from his feet. He leaned and ever so slowly drug his tongue downward from his stomach to his penis.  He continued to the tip where he circled around the tip over and over. With his hands he had reached around behind him and started a rhythmic in and out as Jarod’s hands  massaged his ass and started fingering him as well. He laid Justin down on his back and slowly pressed into Justin.

Justin closed his eyes and Brian’s face popped into his head and he heard, ‘Now relax.  I want you to always remember this moment so no matter who you’re with I’ll always be there.’

“Jarod, stop!  I’m sorry. I thought I could do this.  I can’t. I’m so sorry!”

Justin grabbed a pair of shorts and left the room. He went into the guest bathroom and pulled on his shorts.  He looked at his own face in the mirror. “Well, Brian, you got your wish. You’re always there.” Justin crumbled to the floor.  After composing himself he slipped in bed with Gus, pulling the little boy near for comfort. This may be the only part of Brian he will ever hold again. He couldn’t go back to him the way he was but he definitely couldn’t drag Jarod down with him.  If he couldn’t have the old Brian he would just be alone.

As soon as Gus went home he would find his own place.