The ride to the loft was made in complete silence. The only noise besides the road under the tires, was the slight shuffle of Molly's feet in the floorboard. Brian had driven ahead of us, so it was just Molly and me in the car. I wanted so much to tell her everything was going to be alright, but I could make her no guarantees. I had no idea how to do this. In the way that most kids believe, I had always thought that my mother was invincible, untouchable somehow. That her life was infinite.
As someone who has had their share of near death of experiences you would think that I, of all people, would know better. It would seem that I still have a lot of growing up to do. And as that thought enters my mind, the unbending reality that my mother would no longer be around to see me through it, cuts me to the core.
"Jus?" Molly's voice interrupted my disturbed thoughts, "I really don't want to live with Dad." And I really should have expected that. It's just my mind still is not in the right place to have even thought of the logistics of it all.
"I promise you Mols, I will do everything I can to make sure you don't have to do anything that you don't want to." That had been cemented into my brain right about the time I had seen her sitting in the Livingroom with the lost look in her eyes. I didn't know what that meant for Brian and me. I wasn't really sure what that meant for just me in general. What I did know, was that Molly was all that I had left when it came to blood family, and I wasn't about to let her go to someone that would rather see me dead than to keep any sort of relationship with her.
She just nodded her head and turned to stare out the window. Whether she trusted me to take care of it or was still in too much shock to voice any doubts I did not know. I turned back from her and realized we weren't too far from the loft.
As we arrived, and I parked my car outside of the building, my head started to clear and kick into overdrive. I knew that I would have to meet with the mortuary director soon. Not something that I was particularly looking forward to. I can't explain it really. I didn't want to see her. Something about the unnatural stillness would have made it too real. And right now, I have to be able to get through this. If I had to see her like that; I don't know if I could have dealt with all that still needs to be done. Maybe that makes me some weak little faggot, I don't really care at this point. All I really know is that there is no way I could look at her and still be able to get through this without completely losing my shit.
As I helped Molly grab her bags, I realize that she has probably never been to the loft. In fact, I don't think she has been around any place that I have lived since I have been with Brian. When I finally made my way back from NYC, she would join mom when we would go out to eat. Sometimes Brian would be there, and she fell just like I did for the Kinney charm. She had just started coming to Debbie's Sunday dinners about two months ago. Of course, she had to sneak to those, since dad would have flipped his shit had he known where she was going.
Brian was waiting for us at the lift and grabbed one of the bags from Molly. His face was one of concern, but I could tell he was not going to comment on it. For that I was extremely grateful. Pulling back the heavy door to the loft, we both sat our bags down next to the computer desk. Molly was gazing around and finally made her way to the couch where she unceremoniously plopped herself down with a heavy sigh.
"Molly, there's some stuff in the refrigerator if you want something to drink." Brian's voice sounds soft, almost as if he is afraid that if he spoke any louder he might actually break her.
"No thanks, I think I am going to try and take a small nap." Molly says as she tries to share what was supposed to be a small smile. It looked more like a grimace, but I can't really blame her.
Brian looked back at me and I just shrugged my shoulders. I am not going to tell her she can't. He walks over to me and grabs my face in his hands and kisses my forehead. And that does it. I feel the tears fill my eyes. That small gesture said so much to me in that instant. It expressed the words "I love you, I'm sorry, I am here for you, I'm sad too, and I will protect you from all that I can." We have always communicated better without words.
He softly guided me to the bathroom where he looked questioningly at me. I nodded back at him to let him know I was alright, but just needed a moment. He turned back towards the bedroom and shut the door behind him.
Sinking down to the floor with the door at my back, I placed my cheek against my indrawn knees. I let my hands wrap around my legs and just began to breathe. Since I was told about Mom, I have felt like I couldn't get enough air into my lungs. I didn't even notice the tears on my face until my knee began to feel cold from the dampness.
I sat there just breathing and began to think of all that still had to be done. There was an awful irony to the fact that here I was feeling like a little boy in an adult world and I wanted to ask my mom what to do. I was about to have do the most adult thing I had ever done. I was going to return my mother to whatever or whomever gave her to me.
The cold light of morning hit my face and I reluctantly slid out from under Brian's warm arm. Last night, after I had emerged from the bathroom, I had gone to check on Molly. Brian had already covered her with one of our warm blankets from storage. I turned to go up the stairs to our bedroom and gave him a look of gratitude. He was laying on his side facing the direction where I normally slept. His face was soft, a look of tenderness and sorrow. It was a look that very few were privileged to see.
I had sat down on my side of the bed, my eyes looking beyond the frosted glass panes to stare sightlessly into the darkened living area. His warmth along my back as he sat up to wrap his arms around my middle was welcome even though it startled me. "I know I don't say much when it comes to the emotional shit of our daily lives, but Justin, you are the strongest fucker I know, and I love you for it." His little sigh afterwards blew soft tufts of my hair away from my scalp. I just leaned back into him and pulled his arms around me tighter.
His light kiss on my neck let me know that he understood. He pulled me back down onto his chest where my tears mixed with his skin and I allowed his steady heartbeat to lull me to sleep.
Now, as I drag my tired body to the bathroom, I realize that Brian is my strength. Last night I was caving to the darkness. I was thinking of my grief and how this all would change my life. The truth is that I have a home. Britin still remained ours, nestled in the West Virginian suburbs. I still had Brian. Since my return from NYC, he has shown me that I can count on him to not run to the clubs when things become a little too emotional from him. So, as much as this would change my life, my world didn't just get thrown into total chaos. Molly's on the other hand...
She had lived with Mom. She had depended on her for her wellbeing. Craig hardly paid child support and his new family had taken precedent to his daughter from his ex-wife. His current wife Stephanie, a mere child herself at 24, doesn't want nor has the patience required to be a mom to Molly. Stephanie is happy right now with the way things are. The biggest worry for her is how Chi Chi, her nervous yipping chihuahua, is going to manage all the changes Craig has started making to the floorplan of the house. It's funny, because when Molly told me about the dog, I nearly spit soda through my nose. It took everything in me not to tell them that Chi Chi was the drag queen's name on To Wong Foo, Thanks For Everything, Julie Newmar. Even thinking of it now brings a slight smile to my face.
Turning on the shower, I think about all the things that have to be done. If I can get Molly and Tucker to agree to it, Mom always wanted to be cremated. It was something that my father was absolutely against. He was steadfast in the traditional ways of it all, the whole wake, funeral, and graveside services. Mom on the other hand, was of the opinion that once you are gone, you're gone. She believed in the afterlife, God, and eternal rest. She didn't believe in carrying on over one's grave. It was a little too conformist for her. A lot of her conformist ways went out the window about the time my father went out the door.
To her, a funeral was just ridiculous. She said it just consisted of pretentious people looking over her body and gossiping about her life. Or worse, the ones that grieved over her death, but hardly shared an ounce of caring while she lived. She said the ones that were truly grieving would be able to understand her want of cremation. She wanted a celebration of her life, of her accomplishments, not tears. I once told her that she was starting to sound suspiciously like Brian. She just shrugged her shoulders and said "Well, sometimes he does have a point."
The cool draft of air on my back let me know that Brian had just entered the shower with me. I turned so that I was looking up at him. I watched as the water slid down his shoulders, tracing the contours of his body. A bolt of lust shot hard through me, and I leaned my head in to lick one of the droplets from the middle of his chest. His hands came to rest on top of my head. I traced my tongue up his body until it reached the hollow of his neck. His head dipped down to catch my lips and I pressed up into his kiss. My hands scraped up the sides of his ribs and onto the back of his shoulders, where my nails left crescent shaped indentions. He figured it out rather quickly because no sooner than had our kiss ended, he shoved me roughly into the shower wall. It was at that point that I let loose.
"Brian, oh god..." he spun me around quickly. My nose was flattened against the glass of the shower and my hands were pinned above my head in one of his large ones. The friction from the glass on my cock was bordering on painful, but welcome just the same. I felt two of his fingers stretching me, and as he was about to insert another, when I looked back and shook my head.
"Are you sure?" His face was reddened by the steam of the shower and our excretions and his eyes, while glazed over in lust, still held a note of concern. "Yeah.." I panted breathlessly. He gave a small nod and picked up the lube from the inset soap holder. He squeezed a generous portion into his hand and gave his cock a stroke or two. I was never more glad than in that moment, that we had finally decided to forgo condoms this past month.
He entered me in one swift stroke and the slight pain that followed was what I needed. His motions were swift allowing me hardly time to catch a breath. I could feel myself drawing closer to that moment when everything around me fell away.
"Brian, I'm about to come..." My words were swallowed up by his mouth as he turned my head to meet his. It hit me then; I felt my balls draw up and my release ran down the glass in front of me. It never ceased to amaze me that I could get off on his dick alone.
I felt him tense behind me as he found his release as well. He held himself above me, bracing his forearms against the shower wall above my head, his breathing rapid as he dropped a kiss on my wet hair. We stood there until I felt him slowly withdraw from my body. As he stepped back, he took me with him and washed away our sweat and come. Turning off the shower, he stepped out and grabbed a towel. The absence of his heat left small goosebumps on my skin.
"Come on, let's go get Molly and get something to eat." He reached into the shower and pulled me into an awaiting towel. We both toweled each other off and got dressed. Normally we would have finished this ritual in the bedroom, but with Molly here, we had to make some concessions.
As we walked out from the bedroom, I noticed Molly was already up and dressed. I walked over to her and gave her a hug. She hugged me back. Her voice was small when she spoke, "Can we go get something to eat somewhere quiet?" I look back to Brian. I know that he had originally been thinking the diner, but even I am not too comfortable being around everyone right now either.
"All right. You Taylors and your pleading blue eyes." He gave an exaggerated shudder. "There's a small quiet place not too far from here that we can go." Molly reached out and hugged him. He was a little stiff for a second and then relaxed he hugged her back. She stepped away with a shy smile and picked up her bag from the sofa.
We all made the trek down the stairs and out onto the street. "Sunshine, we can take your car, but let me drive." I was fine with that. I didn't really feel like driving anyway. I tossed him my keys and he crossed to the driver's side. I looked back at Molly as she reached the back-passenger door. She still had the weary look in her eyes that I knew was reflected in mine. I grabbed her hand and gave it small squeeze. She squeezed back for a second and got into the backseat.
"Hey you two...after we get through with everything today, do you want to go to the house?" He was talking to the both of us but looking at me. Again, I felt a sense of overwhelming gratitude for him. He probably knew that I would need time away after what was coming today. I nodded my head and leaned over to kiss him on his cheek. Molly's voice came from behind me, "That would be nice. Thanks, Brian."
He nodded and started the car, driving us towards mid-town in order for us to have the relative quiet breakfast that we all needed. The rest of the day was already looming ahead of me; the quiet and the promise of Britin afterwards were quickly becoming a welcome respite.