CHAPTER TEN: JUST THE TWO OF US

BRIAN:

As I said goodnight to our guests, I thought about all of what was revealed tonight about Mikey and his machinations. The funny thing is that as much as I blame him, I hold myself equally responsible, if not even more so, for the breakdown in communication with Justin last year. Yes, it didn’t help that things were bad and whereas we had never bowed under pressure before the bashing, we certainly succumbed to it afterwards. It wasn’t just outside forces, but the insecurity we both felt at the time that caused our implosion. The secrets that rocked our stability both from the outside, and within our relationship. It has me thinking…

“I want a do over,” I whispered.

“What?”

I cleared my throat, gathering the courage I wasn’t really feeling before I speak again. “I want a do over.”

“What are you talking about?”

“The floor picnic. It was the manifestation of things that had started to go wrong. So I want a do over.” I sigh deeply and huff but power through what it is I need to say anyway. “Look, Justin. There are some things that we need to talk about. And we need to do it in such a way that is us. We’re not like other people, and yet, we acted like them in not facing our demons head-on, and no-holds-barred. Now with the perceived threat looming, I… I just don’t want us to implode again because of what others can use against us.”

“You think that’s what happened the first time?”

“Yes, and I think deep down, you do too. So I want another floor picnic to tell you the things that I’ve never told anyone, to correct some stinking thinking between us, and to finally move forward by not pretending to do so. That’s what really shattered us, Justin. We went through the motions of living, but were really only breathing because it’s what our bodies demanded. We simply existed hoping to make it to the next moment, but dreading it all the same.”

“No holds barred? Does that mean I can ask you anything and expect a straight answer?”

“That’s what it means, and it goes both ways.” I swallow hard. I know this is the right thing for us to do, but fucking hell it’s going to be excruciating.

He thinks about it for a moment before he nods. “Okay. I’m all in, but let’s do this right.”

I raise my eyebrow at him, wondering what he has in mind. It’s not everyday that I ask for a do over, or willingly agree to sit on the floor and… talk. Fucking on the floor is an entirely different activity, which leave us both breathless and completely satisfied, but with all this new plush furniture… hmm not too keen on the floor idea. However, I should have known that my resident twat would be, but apparently, he’s also learned the art of compromise. I chuckle a little as he struggles to drag one of the only things we’d kept after Stockwell. The plush feather mattress topper was just a must have to Justin, and somehow it became a must keep for me. We were on that very surface when Gardner and Jim walked, uninvited, into my- no, our- loft to find us on the floor fucking hard. I can still feel how tightly his limbs were wrapped around me as I pounded into him; can still feel the slight stings on my back from where his sharp fingernails clawed me. Ah… Good memories! What's the matter, Jim? You never see two guys fucking before? It still cracks me up that I said that. I never seen two homophobes look shocked and semi-intrigued at the same time. Talk about eye-opening experiences. Or how about the fact that I seemed blithely closed the door as they were leaving while asking Justin if he wanted to finish. I bet they will learn to knock next time, although I doubt Jim will have a reason to where he's going. He'll probably be somebody's bitch within a week of incarceration.

Apparently, Justin was having the same sort of thoughts, since once in position, he stripped down to nothing but his black underwear. But then he grabbed one of the plush hotel robes he’d brought back from Vermont and donned it. The midnight blue of the fabric sets off his eye color like I have never seen, and I am momentarily transfixed. Shaking myself out of my reverie, I go to the kitchen and pull out the drawer nearest the refrigerator. I’m momentarily saddened that my once full kitchen of stuff I rarely ever used has been reduced to nothing. Since, with the exception of the everyday dishes, all of my expensive china and silverware was also sold during the first month to pay down some of the debt.

Isn’t it strange how you never really know how much you miss things until they are no longer there? You tend to take their presence for granted, sure in the knowledge that they will remain where you put them. I can honestly I no longer take things, and most especially NOT Justin, for granted. And I have faith that just like he’s back, and we’re better, those seemingly inconsequential tangibles will be back within our grasp soon. But first, we have to get through this question and answer period, which I requested although it seems a little out of character for me… except that it isn’t. I really do want to know, since I’m determined not to repeat the same mistakes with him again.

As he lights the candles, I change in to my robe of emerald green. Amazingly enough, whereas I’m used to wearing silk robes, this one feels absolutely fucking amazing against my skin. It’s then I realize just how well Justin knows me. Not many people realize my aversion to certain materials has nothing to do with how vain I am. It’s just in a lot of instances I grew up wearing threadbare secondhand clothes because buying new would take away from the Kinney Drunk and Delusional fund. Of course, Claire didn’t have such an issue, being Jack’s favorite and wanted child, but I was a different matter. So as I grew up and began making my own money, clothes became a symbol of status to me. Justin understands that in ways no other can understand, and yet, I never even had to explain it to him. In a lot of ways, he just gets me. Would that he and I would have remembered and celebrated that fact before everything went to shit.

By the time I sit down, Justin has gathered little nibbles and the last unopened bottle of Johnny Walker Black Label from cabinet along with two tumblers. He smiles and says, “I figured that since this is going to be the second part of a seemingly heavy conversation, we would need fortification past what Em brought over tonight. You’re sure you want to do this now?”

I look into the clear blue eyes and see that it’s not trepidation that’s causing him to ask me this, but genuine concern. It’s been a hard day for both of us already, and having this conversation has the potential to make it harder. But instead of taking the out he’s trying to give me, I just nod my head and say, “Yeah. It needs to be done now, since we never know when the wrong shit might fly out of other people’s mouths. I don’t want either of us caught off guard. It will give them power over us in those moments, and I’m not trying to see us that way ever again if either of us can help it. I thought about what you said regarding the fiddler…”

“There’s more that I want to say about that situation…”

“Fair enough, but how about we do this in the order in which stuff happened? It might make it easier to paint a full picture of exactly where we went wrong.”

“I already told you from my end why I ended up with Ethan.”

“I know, but you didn’t hear it from me. I know what Michael said,” I tell him quietly.

He looks at me, but I can’t pinpoint just one emotion that’s on his face. There’s a whole wealth of them, and I suppose there would be. Michael has said a lot of shit, both before and after the bashing. It’s up to me to untangle the lies and expose the truths for Justin in a way I never have before. I owe this man that much.

“Okay, so let’s start with three days before you turned eighteen…” once again I raise my eyebrow at Justin to indicate that I know exactly what that was about. “Why did you do it?”

Justin takes a swig of his drink and then a deep breath, sighing. “Kip Thomas was a low-rent trick who was going to cost you your job. I couldn’t let that happen. Brian you are many things; but number one, you aren’t a liar, and number two, you aren’t a proverbial rapist. That’s what people in powerful positions who sexually take advantage of their underlings are. You did nothing of the sort; you would never have to. You forget that I was here the night he came here. I had just left when you kicked me out- playfully I might add- but I doubled back because I just had to know what he looked like. I’m glad I did because it helped me to pick out the crater face in the bar. I would ask you how could you have done him when I was around, and I was wearing your favorite pair of red cargo pants. But in retrospect, I figured it out with you.”

“Oh? And what did you figure out just then?”

“That it was basically a pity fuck both times. Granted, I found that out as he was attempting to blow me and I blackmailed him, but more than that, I heard him proposition you in Babylon the night I asked you to my prom. I didn’t realize who he was at the time, but when Michael said his name, I figured it out. So I picked him up in Woody’s and the rest you know.”

“Do you realize what could have happened to you?!”

“Sure… nothing. Kip was on his knees and if he had tried anything, there was a lamp to the left of me. I don’t think anyone realized it, but the whole bat to the head thing from Hobbs, was because I gave as good as I got in that locker room the day I was suspended. Just because I would rather not fight doesn’t mean that I can’t defend myself if I have to. Bottom line is I may get my ass kicked or even killed, but I’m not going down without them having a few scars of their own, or leaving evidence to point directly to my killer. In Kip’s case there was nothing to worry about.”

Listening to him talk about it so matter of factly almost pisses me off until I realize that Justin is right. We all tend to underestimate him because of his age and looks, but Justin is one of the toughest people I know, even if he tends to forget that he is sometimes.

“Soooo, speaking of prom. Brian, why did you come?”

It is both a question I long to answer as much as I dread to see or hear his reaction. “I did something that one might view as stupid, but at the same time it’s classic me, I guess.”

“You are not stupid.”

“No I’m not, but sometimes even I have my dumbass moments. So anyway, to make this rather long story short, Lindsay was thrilled that you’d asked me to the prom and as you know it was three days after I turned thirty. We were walking through a boutique looking for something for her, and she was prattling on about grandchildren, gray hair, and Gus. Not exactly the reminder I wanted when I thought I had one foot already in the fucking grave, especially after their Happy Death Day stunt, you know. So anyway, I saw this pristine white scarf. It was simply luminescent and seemed like it glowed just for me. So I told Lindsay that I thought I should give myself something special for my birthday and bought the scarf.

"Well it was the night of Michael and Dr. Dave’s bon voyage party and I decided to try something that I had only heard about. It seemed like the perfect time to try it since I knew everyone would be wearing flannel at the Lumberjack-off party. It took a couple of tries, but I finally managed to get the scarf to hook over the beam above us. I tied the scarf around my neck, stood on the chair and began jacking my own lumber. I was just about there when the loft door opened. I heard it but I’d be damned if I was going to stop. Honestly, I would have thought it would have been you… instead, it was Michael. Long story short he got me down, gave me the ‘you’re Brian Kinney for fuck’s sake speech and so went my attempts of having the best orgasm of my life….”

“You… yeah, you were a STUPID fuck right then, Brian! Scarfing should NEVER EVER be tried without another person present. What if you had accidently hung yourself while your fucking dick was hanging out?!”

Okay, I get why he’s angry. It was a dumb risk to take. Anything really could have happened and no one would have been any the wiser except when the cleaning lady came in the next morning bright and early to see me dead and my dead dick. “Not my finest moment, Sunshine, but it did lead me to the decision to make you happy and in the process drink a little from the fountain of your youth. I thought well I can’t be all that bad if I have an eighteen year lover willing to be with me in any way he can get me. In fact while I was up there, my favorite fantasies involved sex with you.

“But the day after my stupidity leak, I got to thinking about you and Gus and how you both found me on the same night. I thought that maybe turning thirty wouldn’t so bad if I could just find a way to keep you. I thought back to all of the things other people asked of me: Mel and Lindz regarding my parental rights, the untold amounts of money I’d lent to Michael and gave to Deb, but I was still an asshole whenever it suited them for me to be one, the ridicule Em and Ted would utter that sometimes cut deep, even if they didn’t really mean it… all of it! And then I thought about you and the fact that you rarely asked anything of me at all. It’s why I wanted to give you that night. You only wanted one real thing from me, and that was to let you love me. You had come to… mean so much to me, and I wanted you to see that. But...” I left the rest unsaid because really, what more was there to say after that.

“Do you regret it?” he whispered.

I stop myself from shedding the tears I can feel welling up behind my eyes, and speak equally softly. “Sometimes I do, but only because you got hurt and can’t remember the good bit, just the crack of a bat.”

“You came to see me, didn’t you?” At my surprised look, he continues. “I overheard you and Mom talking about it the day she sent you away. I thought that maybe my mind was playing tricks on me, and I was only hearing what I desperately wanted to hear. I never found the courage until now to confirm it.”

I swallow hard, because I know that we are getting to the meat of our story thus far. “Yeah, I was there every night. I would go to Babylon because I couldn’t stand to be in the loft more than a few hours at a time. It was just so fucking quiet here, and everywhere I turned I would see you, or smell you, or hear your laugh. So I had to get out, but I couldn’t not see you. So I would drive to the hospital to watch over you. But the deal I’d made with myself is that I wouldn’t go into the room, just watch you through the window.”

“Why?”

“I didn’t feel I had the right to be there, or to touch you again. Because of me, you got hurt.”

“How do you figure that? I hate that you blame yourself for something that couldn’t have possibly been your fault. Hobbs had a bat. What was it doing there and why will forever remain a mystery since the judge and defense played a game of blame the victim. There was nothing outside of what you did that you could’ve done, Brian. He was intent to destroy me for whatever reason, be that he was jealous because I had the courage to live my life in the open, or he genuinely is homophobic. I tend to lean more towards the former than the latter, but that’s neither here nor there. The important thing is that you have to stop blaming yourself for something you couldn’t control. Chris would have done what he did whether you were there or not!”

What he says makes sense and yet everyone blamed me. Debbie even went so far as to tell me not to come to the hospital, but in the same breath berated me for not doing so where Jennifer and the rest of them could see me. It’s funny how now I can see the double standards she places on everyone, and yet she never lives up to a standard herself unless it suits her. Talking with Justin these last couple of days has really been putting some things into perspective for me and I don’t know whether to be happy or pissed about that. I have to change the subject about this for now. I think we cleared up all we could about it for the moment, and the two major secrets surrounding it are finally out in the open.

“So… Vermont. Why did you go without me?” I ask.

“There were a couple of reasons, not to mention that I was still a little pissed about Zucchini man. It was like the start of where it felt like you were disregarding my feelings again. Now that’s not to say that it was what that whole episode was about, but out of curiosity, how did he happen up here with you fucking him on the sofa?” I think back to that time and close my eyes. I don’t have to say anything because the answer suddenly dawns on Justin. “Ahhh… the little Troll of Trouble strikes again, eh?”

“He couldn’t wait to tell me that the word on the street was that I had settled into a relationship with you.”

“And there you have your reason for me going to Vermont solo.”

“What do you mean?”

“I had dropped the panels over at Michael’s house the morning following your departure to Chicago. At the time, I didn’t know that Vance had threatened your job, and you sure as hell didn’t tell me. But Michael knew, and he took great pleasure in letting me know that he knew, but wouldn’t tell me the reason. It was like he was privy to all aspects of your life while I only received bits, pieces and crumbs of affection here and there. It didn’t leave me feeling very assured of my place in your life. Michael laughed and basically told me I was wasting my time if I thought you would change for me. But here’s the funny thing, I didn’t want you to change per se, only to show me a little consideration. I was living with you, whether because of guilt…”

“Let me stop you for a moment right there, Sunshine. Yes, I felt responsible for what happened, but once again, I will remind you that it wasn’t the reason I wanted you to stay. When were you ever going to learn to listen to me?”

“When were you ever going to learn to actually say what the hell you wanted?" he retorted, then sighed. "Brian, it was easier to listen to other people because they were at least saying something. Unfortunately, I listened to the wrong person, mistakenly thinking that he had your best interests at heart or mine. It’s a mistake I can guarantee you will never happen again regardless of who it is. My drunk grandmother always says a dog who will carry a bone will bring one too, so be careful where you bury yours. I put my faith and conveyed my inner thoughts and worries in Michael, but now in retrospect I also told him where to look for my bones.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“It was something Ethan said during the floor picnic when he was talking about his ex-boyfriend. Although, I now believe that was a bit of fiction, too. I remember telling Michael that I wanted to be involved with someone who wanted to stay home once in awhile, or would at least get a little jealous when they see someone else was sucking my dick. It didn’t register at the time, but Ethan said that it’s why he left his lover. And you know what? It was verbatim that conversation with Michael. Ethan couldn’t have known the exact words to say to make me start really questioning my belief in us unless he had a coach.”

Sadly, I believe he did. While Michael was dripping venom in my ears, he was pouring salt in Justin’s open wounds. And if I’m correct, he wasn’t the only one. I sigh deeply again. I seem to be doing that more and more lately, but it also seems the only way to convey the exasperation I feel with the people in my life, with the exception of a very few. “Do you know Debbie cornered me in Woody’s telling me to tell you what I couldn’t say to Michael?”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean? In my world pre-Stockwell, you told Michael everything.“

“She told me to tell you that I loved you.”

“But you do tell Michael that, whereas you’ve never told me.”

“Do you ever wonder why that is?”

“All the damn time, but I figured that when and if you ever got ready you would, or find some other way to say it. And for the record, let me clear up one more misconception for you. Yes, I was pissed about the birthday hustler, but only because it felt like I was being punished for something that was not my fault. I heard Lindsay getting on your case about not celebrating my birthday, and whereas I agreed with her to an extent, I would have just been happy to stay home and watch a movie with you while the phones were turned off, and none of the revolving door syndrome that happens as an everyday occurence around here. I didn’t need nor want hearts and flowers. Hell, I’m allergic to just about every damn flower there is. Getting me that hustler instead of, let’s say a new sketch pad, made me feel as if you didn’t know me at all anymore. I just wanted to be with you; that would have been gift enough for me.”

“Justin, I love you,” I say and it catches both of us off guard for a moment, before I continue. “But in all honesty, what I’ve felt for you… what I feel for you now, the word love seems quite inadequate to describe most days. It’s easy to tell Michael and Deb, hell even Lindsay that I love them because it’s still nowhere near what I feel for you. So that’s why I never say it…”

“Thank you for saying it now, and yes, I love you, too. I agree that what I feel for you is as all-consuming and the word love most of the time seems too tame. So let’s just agree to say it when the mood strikes, but not to overuse it where it loses its strength and validity for us.”

“Agreed.” I smile at him. “But back up for a moment… why did you really stop dancing at Babylon? And I want the full truth this time, Justin. I’m a big boy and I can take it.”

Blowing out a harsh breath, I can tell he doesn’t want to answer. But he will because it’s something that can ultimately hurt us if the wrong people get ahold of the knowledge. Besides, I’ve always wondered. “I- I don’t want to talk about this too much, okay?”

“What happened?”

“You were right. I was under the misconception that Sap would keep his word and I would only be an ornament to enhance the party for the evening. I did a line of premium coke, took a hit of some primo weed and was feeling no pain. It was when I was offered a drink that things got a little hazy. I later found out that the water was laced with GHB, but I had only had a sip so I was still functional for the moment. Anyway, Sap decided to give me a tour of his place, and I figured it was a good idea. Anything to keep me moving, you know. So when we arrived at the closed door to this room which reminded me of a luxury master bedroom, I wasn’t too surprised. Or at least I wasn’t until he opened the door. There must have been about fifteen men in that room, two of whom I knew, and both in sex swings. Long story short, they tried to get me in the third one. Sap was down on his knees, trying to pull off my pants while I heard one of them whisper that I was Kinney’s boy toy. I suppose it was the mention of you that really spurred me into action instead of the shock I was originally feeling despite my protests. I know one thing, I was no longer comfortably high; I had sobered up almost instantly when their intentions became more than clear. So I kicked Sap’s two front teeth out, broke free of the other men holding me, and ran out of there. I didn’t stop running until I got to Daphne’s apartment, and she brought me home after I had a shower there and cried my fucking anxiety out over what could have happened.”

“So that’s the reason you wanted to avoid Babylon for awhile?”

“That and one of the guys I knew was at the party had passed. From what I’ve heard from the others he was basically fucked to death, but according to the coroner it was an overdose of heroin, instead of an overdose of GHB. There was no heroin in evidence anywhere at that party, not even on the lower levels. I just couldn’t handle the fact that it could’ve been me instead. Can we move on from this now? Please?” I nodded, having gotten the answer I was looking for.

I could tell he was more than a little uncomfortable rehashing that nightmare. In fact, now that I think about it, Justin shied away from sex with me unless he was topping for two weeks after that. He wasn’t sleeping well either. “So moving on to the computer geek and Mr. Taylor… that was the first time you broke the rules.”

‘Yes, it was, but it was for good reason. Eric was a virgin, and although I should have run screaming for the hills, I didn’t. He was the only doable guy for me in a house party full of breeders. Anyway, I was shitty to him at first, adhering to our pact. But then he wanted to do it again, and I complied, thinking what would have happened to me if you had treated me so callously that first night. So I kissed him and handled him with care. The problem is that he pulled a me the next day which forced me to pull a you. I didn’t want to hurt him, but I didn’t want to lead him on either. He really was a sweet kid, but I was involved with a man who was my addiction. I had no intention of fucking that up. Which brings me to what I want to ask you. Why did you hit Michael?”

I scrubbed a hand over my face, hoping that I’d misheard. But the implacable look in his eyes and determined set of his jaw confirmed that I hadn’t. Shit! This is what I get for wanting a damn do over! “Michael was badgering me about you being at the munchers’ party with the fiddler. Can we leave it at that please?”

“I didn’t deflect your question about Sap’s party and my aversion to Babylon for a time, so nope. You might as well tell me. We both know that it will come out sooner or later. I would rather hear it from you.”

I poured myself a full tumbler of the amber liquid and sucked it down like it held the secrets of life. I poured myself another to increase my courage. When I began to pour myself a third, Justin stopped me with a gentle hand on my wrist. I looked into his eyes, seeing the entreaty there, and knew that I had to tell him the truth. “After denigrating you as loud as he dared, he said that me saving your life wasn’t worth it and that I should have left you there,” I say quietly.

I notice the myriad of emotions on his face, and all I want to do is hold him. But I know from experience that would be a mistake right now. He needs time to process the fact that Michael could say something like that. I have no doubt that if Justin had heard it the rage within him would have gone way past ten on his emotional scale. It’s how we always judge how to handle his panic and rage attacks; one always triggers the other. I press a glass full of JW Black into his hand, even as he’s staring off into space. I don’t know how to help him except be there for him when he finally comes out of the shelter of his mind. In the beginning he used to retreat in there a lot. It’s the one place within himself that I can’t follow him. His heart as always been like an open book, but his mind is a locked vault until he chooses to share his thoughts. So all I can do is sit here and wait him out like I’ve always done in the past.

Finally when he speaks, he says, “Well I always knew he hated me, but never enough to wish me dead. I think it’s safe to say that it’s a good thing I will be severing all ties with him after this whole Rage business is finished. I can’t tell you who to be friends with Brian, and I know you said you are done, but I can’t be around Michael beyond thirty seconds ever again. After the confrontation, I just can’t be. Does anyone else know?”

“Your mom and Daphne know, but as for the family, I don’t know.”

“Mom and Daph knew and they said nothing?”

“They were in the same boat I was in, Sunshine.”

“Then why insist that I keep working with him?”

“You needed any income you could get since you were living with Ethan. I knew you wouldn’t accept anything extra from me, especially because of your tuition. Rage was bringing more money in than your tips at the Diner, even with Michael cheating you in the beginning. Up until last night, and today, none of us knew you weren’t receiving your share of the profits. I just wanted you to have what you needed; Michael wasn’t even really a second or third thought. In fact, he wasn’t really a thought at all except that he was connected to you through the comic.”

He nods and I think he understands our reasons for not telling him. One thing about Justin is that he can’t be in business with people he doesn’t have a degree of feeling for. The situation with Michael was different. It was mostly a favor to Deb and me that Justin worked for any real length of time with his nemesis. I feel a little guilty for asking him to do that, but I’m not regretful, because of the results it yielded. Even though at the time, Justin didn’t get his monetary benefits, his work on Rage allowed him to be hired by me for the GLC Carnivale. So paying him the money was certainly justified within the fee I offered, and they ultimately paid him for the work he did. And now that Justin will metaphorically be out for Michael’s blood, he’s going to benefit even more. So I’m not sorry about that.

Just as we are about to continue, the buzzer sounds. We both freeze wondering what the fuck has happened now, but we know we can’t ignore it. I walk over to the offensive device and and am tempted to snatch it out of the wall, but instead press the intercom.

“Yeah.”

“Brian, it’s me. Let me up please.” I press the entry button, and turn to Justin. “I think your mom may have gotten your message, Sunshine.”