CHAPTER 26:  BECOMING KINNETIK (Part 2), A MOMENT OF EPIPHANY, A PLAN SET IN MOTION

BRIAN:

Upon entering, the first thing Justin, Cynthia, Daphne, and I notice is that Ted was right. It’s already obvious that cliques are forming among the staff. It’s something we talked about at length during the employee cleanup on Tuesday, deciding that if Kinnetik was going to have a chance to succeed, the staff would have to be thrown out of their respective comfort zones from the very beginning. I find it almost funny how the cacophony of loud conversations just a few short moments ago lowers significantly as we enter the company-wide conference room. You could literally feel the tension of anticipation thrumming through every single person, waiting for us to address them as the new administration.

Many faces I remember from my time here, but some are new. It will be those people I will speaking to the most during this meeting. Taking a deep breath, I step up to the podium, and holding on tightly to Justin’s hand, I do the one thing no one expects. I tap the mic hard to get all of their attention, causing both a banging and loud screeching noise. Justin pinched my hand, and whispered, “Thought the idea was to get their attention, not remind me of Michael.”

I chuckle softly. “But it worked, didn’t it?” Turning back to the now silent crowd, I say, “Before we begin, we want to split you all up into groups.” The murmuring starts almost immediately. “Now don’t worry; it doesn’t mean that you’re going to stay within those groups. However, what we want is one member from each department to form a group. Since this group is quite large, I’m going to ask the designated department head for the moment to set the example of what we’re asking for so there are no misconceptions.”

As the heads moved into position, Cynthia directs them to sit in the front row. Within minutes, they all organized according to their positions. Each group contains an ad Exec, a copywriter, a member of the IT department, a media technician, an artist, a member of the clerical staff, an attorney, an accountant, a member of the janitorial/maintenance staff, an editor, a member of the research staff, and a member of security. When all is in readiness, Cynthia retakes her position on the stage, as do Daphne and Ted, who have been helping her. Once again, I clear my throat because it has just dawned on me that we have at least two-hundred employees who depend on Justin and I to be at the top of our game at all times.

It’s truly daunting.

I begin speaking. “Okay, so I want you to look at the person sitting next to you. I want you to understand that you are no more important than the person sitting beside you, regardless of your job title. Each of you are just as special and full of greatness, which is why we kept you. That said, I want you to really understand what we are about at Kinnetik, but in order to understand that, you must first realize what the word means.

"Yes, it’s a clever play on my last name, but according to the dictionary it also means motion, or more accurately, to move. That’s the core of what we here at Kinnetik will succeed in achieving- the new standard for upward mobility. Our mission is to always keep moving forward, and our motto is to always push, strive, and thrive to exceed even our own expectations. Based on that theory, we have decided to split the company up into three areas.

“Be advised that no area is more important than the other. At our base we are a boutique firm, meaning we offer personalized service and unique vision regardless of how basic the company’s advertising package is. There is always room to grow within the company, and we believe in promoting from within. But in order to move up in this advertising food chain, you have to do a kick ass job every time, not just when you feel like it. We will know if you are, based on the quality of the work you produce, whether we are directly involved with the campaign or not.

"Rest assured that nothing, from rough draft ideas to final copy will leave this company without me or Justin approving it first. After all, not only is our name on the line, but the quality of the company we own. We don’t accept or expect anything less than your absolute best. In this business your reputation, and honoring your words are your currency. Don’t make promises to the client if you aren’t sure you can deliver. And if you fuck up, tell someone, or it’s your ass, in more ways than you can imagine.

“If you feel like you have an idea or an account that has merit, take it to your department head, or their assistant. If you’re part of the maintenance or security teams, don’t feel left out, because you too can feel free to share your ideas, and will be rewarded accordingly. We encourage friendly competition amongst the staff, and there aren’t any big 'I's or little 'you's here, regardless of job title and responsibilities. But remember, to whom much is given, much is required in return. So, as with the clients, don’t promise something you are unable or unwilling to deliver on. And if you fuck up, tell someone so that we can fix the mistake in house, or it’s your ass. Plain and simple? Yes, but also hard for some of you to do, which is why I repeated that rule again. We intend to foster a family like atmosphere here at Kinnetik, because at the end of the day, if one of us fails, we all fail. I don’t know about you, but mediocrity is NOT an option and it damn sure shouldn’t be for you either. So if being at the bottom is comfortable for you, feel free to find the door. Although we might miss you now, we’ll still survive without you later.”

I look every single member of our staff in the eyes as I continue my speech. I can see some surprise, but within the older members of the staff, I see a fire being relit within their eyes, which is exactly what I want. I want them to remember the thing that caused them to get into this competitive industry in the first place. It will be their job to encourage the new ones to reach their full potential while reinventing their own standards of expectation. How can you lead effectively if not by example, right?

Well, the time for being complacent, and just coming to work because it’s a paycheck has passed. This is a career, not just a simple job. But working for people who have forgotten why they do what they do; people who have lost their vision, like Ryder and Gardner, have drained them dry and made them not even want to try to better themselves anymore. That’s going to change right now!

“So there will be Kinnetik Boutique, which will handle our smaller accounts. These accounts make up the core of our business and oft times require the most maintenance. Kinnetik Unique, requires a more personal touch. Those working in that department offer the most assistance to the client, because usually the companies have never sought outside assistance regarding their businesses before. Then there is Kinnetik Elite, where Justin and I will be working in many different facets. We perform the work of many departments all at once. Each one of us will not only work in our field, but crosstrain in others in order to single handedly sign up new contracts, if necessary. These accounts not only require a personal touch, but also the most maintenance because they aren’t just locally sourced. Many of them have already been established for a long time and have built up their own reputation within their specific industry to uphold. It will be our job to marry their reputations to ours so that we can all soar together. The more their product increases awareness and their market shares, the more widespread the clientbase of Kinnetik becomes. There is no such thing as being unavailable for these types of clients, and they must be handled with extra special care.

"If Kinnetik Elite is where you aspire to work, begin proving yourself right where you are. Those who are there have already proven that they belong there, but reassured they'll work their asses off just to be able to stay there. In the pursuit of excellence, we have no problem demoting you in order to possibly save your job, before you're out the door. Work with us, and we work with you. Not a hard concept or rule of thumb to follow.

"Department heads: You already know who will be going where, based on the packets Cynthia and Daphne handed you as you were seated. Please gather your staff and give them their new career assignments. We want everyone in their proper places no later than Friday, which includes their work areas set up as much as possible. The immediate staff of Elite have a meeting right after this, which will make it even more pertinent to have everything in order. Also, there are accounts within our current workload which make it imperative to begin work on them right away. We don’t want any delays if we can help it. Staff: Remember that you are still here because we all saw the potential for greatness in each of you. That was not a decision to be taken lightly, but to be honored and respected. That’s all for now. Welcome to Kinnetik, people. Now let's move!”

As we step down, Justin places a kiss on my cheek and whispers, “I’m sold. Now let’s go start scaring the big fishes of New York.”

“New York? Why not Chicago or L.A., first?”

Justin smiles at me. “I've always believed that if you beat the head bully, the rest will fall into line. By my calculation, that would be the one company that thought they had you beaten. So the Kennedy and Collins ass kicking is up first.”

“How do you figure?”

“Thanks for hiring Daph, because with a little coaching from Cynthia, she managed to garner that as soon as Jared Thorne left the meeting with them, he called us. Do you know what that means, Brian?” I shake my head, disbelief written on my face. I know what I think it means, but I need to hear Justin’s thoughts on it. “It means we’re being requested.”

Fuck! It means less than two months as an official company, and we just slid in the backdoor of the big leagues.

DEB

I’m feeling really good about myself, even though I feel shitty. I’ve been staying with Alex and Stephen for the last few days, and I have to say being here and away from my own house has been working wonders. Or at least it was until my cell phone rang. I could see that Vic didn’t even want me to answer my cell phone, which to me said that he had a pretty good idea of what was going on. I think if he could have gotten away with it, he might have snatched it out of my hand and thrown it against the wall, smashing it to bits rather than have me answer.

Resigning himself to what was to be, Vic urged me to put it on speaker.

When I first heard Michael’s voice telling me that he was arrested, my first inclination was to go and bail him out. I mean, no parent wants to see their child in jail! But then as I listened to him talk, at first wheedling me, and then yelling at me because I asked him what he was doing entering my home when I was clearly not there. And when he declared that it was his house and that he could go wherever the fuck he wanted... Well I no longer felt sympathy or worry.

Instead, I felt a burning hot anger that he would call me and basically demand that I give him the alarm codes along with bailing him out. I don’t know when it happened, but I began to see all of the times Michael had done that very thing to me, and I just took it. Perhaps it was during the retelling of Stephen’s story that I began to understand not only the error of my ways, but that the same kind of abuse my parents inflicted on me and Vic, is the same thing Michael has done to me. Only it was much worse, not only because he’s my son, but it’s the fact that he learned it from me. And that’s what hurts the most, I think.

I thought of all the times I had done the same thing to the boys, especially Brian, and I am so ashamed of myself. To know that I used the same tools on him that were used on me, when he was already an abused kid… I just never thought that I could be that type of person. It’s funny how tried so damn hard not to become like my parents to my own son, but ended up treating someone else’s children the same way. It’s both humbling and frightening.

I mean, is that wretchedness at the core of who I am? Is that why it was so easy to utter you owe me for every small thing Brian and the guys did for me? And you know the funny thing is that I never remember saying those words to Michael, EVER! Why? Why did I feel that it was okay to heap guilt onto men who would’ve given me the shirts off of their backs had I asked, but not onto Michael, who I sacrificed for over and over again; someone who wouldn't even loan me fucking dishrag if I asked, even if it was his mess I was cleaning up!

“Penny for your thoughts, Deb?”  Rodney comes in and sits down next to me.

I’ll admit that I wasn’t very fond of him since he and Vic began dating. But the one thing I can depend on him to do is to tell me the truth, even when I resent him for it. Perhaps it’s because he isn’t exactly a fan of mine neither. But over the last few days, I would like to think that we’ve come to a better understanding about each other.

“I’m trying to figure out why I basically felt it was okay to emotionally bully the guys, but couldn’t stand up to Michael when he’d done it repeatedly to me.” I wait for his censure, or a sarcastic remark, but none is forthcoming.

“That’s a fairly easy question to answer, Deb. It was about power.”

“Power?”

“Yes. Abuse, like rape, is never about your feelings for the person, but about the power you hold over them. In your case, you provided a mother-figure for each of them, which they lacked at one time or another. For Brian, it was being born to a cold woman like Joan Kinney. He was as affection-starved as he was physically beaten. So with you showing even a modicum of interest, even if it was for the wrong reasons, he clung to that so that you wouldn’t have a reason to toss him away. You know how people think that all publicity, even if it’s bad, is good publicity? It was the same for Brian, in that as long as you were paying attention to him, even if it was just to yell at him for some perceived fault, at least you didn’t forget that he existed. It’s why he let you blame him for Michael’s fuck-ups for so long. Did he like it? Hell no! But if that was all he could get, he was willing to accept it from you because you provided him a safe haven from the hell he was born into.”

And sadly, that makes perfect sense to me. I did the same to Emmett and Ted because their mothers left them alone to face the world on their own just for being gay. The only one that wasn’t motherless was Justin. “But why Justin?”

“Also a simple answer, Deb, and it all has to do with your own emotional and mental abuse at Michael’s hands. Again, it is always easier to find fault and make pronouncements on other people than to look a little closer to home. All you saw was that his presence was hurting Michael, but you didn’t see all the devious shit Michael did when he thought no one was looking. Justin being with Brian has nothing to do with the size of his bank account. Hell, the fact that mere weeks ago they were barely able to keep the utilities on at their place should tell you that. But every time Michael would criticize Justin for being with Brian, what do you think he used as the metaphorical club to beat Justin over the head with?” I wince at the analogy, but Rodney isn’t letting up. “What do you think Michael used to make himself feel good about why Brian and Justin were still together even after the bashing? Plain and simple, other than telling Brian that he should have left Justin to die on ground of the garage, he also constantly told Justin that Brian was only with him out of guilt; that as soon as Brian got over it, he would be history. Do you even know what it took for Justin to draw the panels for Rage?”

I thought back to the days after each issue would go to the printer. Justin would arrive at the Diner for work with a splint on his right hand, but he never complained. And I never asked. But I did berate Brian a few times for hurting Justin, thinking that their sex life had once again gotten out of hand. Not once did he correct me, and I now realize why he didn’t.

He was protecting Justin’s privacy, even at the expense of himself. He would just stare at me blankly, letting me make all sorts of fucked up accusations, then draw my own conclusion at his continued silence. I feel like such a fucking idiot! And yet I claimed to love them? Rodney interrupts my thoughts.

“Let me ask you something, Deb, and I want the truth. Can you give me that?” I look into his eyes and nod. I’m still too emotional to speak at the moment. “Why are you really willing to take this journey of self-discovery? Is it just to get back into the guys’ good graces? Or are you really doing this for yourself? To become a better person?”

I think about that for a moment. I won’t lie that the thought has crossed my mind to do this just to get my family back. But as I thought about all of the things I’ve done and wanted to do for myself, but never had the opportunity to, I realize that this is just for me. And I tell him so. “Honestly, I know that I can’t expect the boys to just forgive and forget. There have been too many actions stemming over years of hurt. But I would like to become a better person for myself while at the same time becoming someone both them and I can respect. I don’t expect forgiveness, or even understanding; just to be able to apologize to them and mean it. But I can’t do that until I forgive myself because it just won’t ring true.

"So that said, all of this… this journey of self-discovery is just for me. I owe myself so many apologies that there are just too many to name, but everyday I will strive to be true to myself. Not the one that everyone else has known, but the woman I should have been from the onset of my adult life. It’s an awesome responsibility I have to myself right now, and a very daunting task to reinvent myself.”

For the first time since I have known him, Rodney leans over and kisses my cheek. “Keep your focus and you’ll do it. And although we are all determined to help you, we won’t allow you to make excuses, not even to yourself, Deb. Remember that the first accountability you have for anything you do, think, or say, is to yourself. From now on make sure that your actions are the ones you can live with, because at the end of the day you have to be able to look in the mirror and truly love the person you see staring back at you. Now come on, the guys are already gathered in the media room for an episode of Drag Race. Wonder what Ru will be wearing tonight!”

He jumps up off the couch, and I laugh. I finally understand what Vic sees in him. For a grown man, Rodney still keeps his youthful exuberance about him. They sort of remind me of an older version of Brian and Justin, and I realize something else in this moment. Something I’ve never allowed myself to think about before.

I want that, too.

MICHAEL

I make my way out of the station with Lance trailing behind me. I tell him, “I need to go by my apartment to get my stuff. I’ll stay with you for a few days until I can figure out what’s next.”

“Uh, Michael. I hadn’t exactly planned for an extended stay,” he tells me, and I can’t help but roll my eyes before turning on the tears.

“Can’t you stay for a little while longer, Lance? I rea… I really need you.”

“What about Miss Deb? Can’t you stay with her?”

“I don’t even know where she is. They didn’t listen to me when I told them that I only went into the house because I hadn’t heard from her and we usually speak three times a day,” I lie. I refuse to tell him about the box until I can retrieve it. I’m still not sure how I’m going to do that yet.

He sighs, but then perks up. “Fine. Hey, maybe we can have a Brian-sighting while I’m here.”

“Yeah well, the chances of that happening are next to impossible these days. Did I tell you that Justin’s mother now owns the building where his loft is? I can’t gain entry to the building at all now. But you know… I think I have an idea of how to bring him to us.”

“How?”

“It’s going to take some careful planning. If you’re willing to take the risk and at the same time help me out, maybe I can talk him out of pressing charges against you. I know that he threatened to have you arrested if you came near him again.”

“True, but I can’t be held responsible should he just happen to turn up where I am, right?”

I smile at Lance. He sure does have his uses, although he doesn’t know to what extent yet. “Hey listen, we need to go and see Lindsay. I need her to sign some papers.”

“What papers?”

“The ones they took out of my pocket as I was arrested," I evade. "But anyway, while I’m there, I can ask for her input.”

“About?”

“Filing a report. There is only one way to get Brian from under Boy Wonder and it’s to have him make a choice between the two most precious things in his life: His lover and his son.”

Lance gasps. “What makes you think he would?”

“Because Lindsay will make sure to tell me the best way to go about it. She’s even better than I am when it comes to seeing the advantages in any situation, even if it looks bleak at the time.”

“But isn’t she in jail? I thought I heard something about that in the news. Since she was linked to some big named artist whose wife filed for divorce and named Lindsay in the suit, the news went National.”

“Yeah. I was there when it happened, which is all the more reason I think she’ll be willing to help me. Brian embarrassed her publicly, and we both know how much she hates that.”

“Michael, I really think this is a bad idea.”

“Not really, since it will remove Boy Wonder from the picture.”

Lance shakes his head as we get to his rental car and head towards the Federal prison where Lindsay is being held. She’ll help, or she’ll be doing even more time by the time I get through with her. After all, she was just as guilty of stealing Justin’s money as I was. I made sure of it!