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CHAPTER 37: CHANGING FACES Part 2


JOAN:


For the last seven weeks, I’ve been in constant counseling with Father Tom. It started the morning after I woke up in the hospital after a vodka binge that I don’t quite remember. What I did remember, and still do, is that I ruined what little relationship I had with my only son, over an enormous lie which turned out to be at the behest of my daughter. With the use of her own son, Claire had managed, once again, to put me in the middle between her and Brian. And as per usual, I chose wrongly. The guilt I feel behind that is enormous, and I am constantly asking God to forgive me for it. I promised that after he left for college I would find a way to make up for all of the abuse Brian endured by mine and Jack’s hands. Yet, I’ve gone back on that promise over and over again. Only this time, instead of using my fists, or a belt, shoes, or a broom, I’ve been using my words and attitudes which I know from experience, hurt far worse.


After I woke up from my guilt-induced stupor, I had to face the police. They wanted to put me in jail for attempted DUI, and attempted suicide. Who knew that one could be put in jail for trying to kill yourself? Not that it’s exactly what I was trying to do, but I’d fallen asleep behind the wheel of my car, which was in my closed garage. One of the neighbors saw smoke from the exhaust and called the police, fearing that my house was on fire and I was trapped. Anyway, fortunately, Father Tom was at the hospital visiting another parishioner of the church, and had heard that I was also there. He came into the room and spoke with the officers on my behalf, explaining that this was just a momentary lapse in judgement. When asked where I was intent on going, I told them the truth. I was going to go beg for Brian’s forgiveness. It was the first time in a very long time that I had no choice but to break down in tears as I laid in that bed, reflecting on what I had done.


Tom has since assumed responsibility for my well-being. Who would have known that in addition to being a priest, he had also spent much of his days, pre-cloth, as a drug abuse counselor. We agreed that until I felt I could return home in a clean and sober state, and felt I could live there without being consumed by the horrific memories that house holds for me, I would stay with him. He felt that it was the main source of my addiction to alcohol, and I must admit that it’s been nice to wake up in the morning and not be assailed with a flashback. Ironically, his nephew, who is a recovering addict of some drug called crystal meth had been staying with him also. Having him there with me and Tom made me feel better; made me feel like that although our addictions were different, we were still joined in the common cause of getting clean. I didn’t feel so alone anymore.


Claire had been calling me nonstop on the cell phone Brian had bought me sometime ago. I refused to answer her, acknowledging that she was one of my weak points. I still don’t know why that is, except that in my home growing up, it was always understood that you protect the daughters at all costs. Perhaps that’s where I went wrong so many times, especially since it was never Claire who really needed saving, no matter how much she played victim. Meanwhile, Father Tom and his nephew had been filling me in on just who Brian had become within the world he’d built for himself.


To say that I was, and still am, absolutely amazed by the man whom I called a selfish deviant on so many occasions, would be an understatement. Although Brian isn’t part of the church, and doesn’t hold with its tenets, he still turned out to be a good man. It was then that I also learned about the young man living with him- his partner- Justin Taylor. One wouldn’t think so, considering my judgemental ways, but my heart bled hearing of Justin’s bashing. Not only that, but I truly felt scared to know that there were actual people in the world who would resort to violence just because a person loved a member of the same sex. Now that’s not to say that I agree with their lifestyle, but no one should be punished here on earth for partaking of activities which don’t harm others directly. I was surprised to learn the lengths Brian had gone to help the young man recover. Those were truly the acts of an unselfish man, but as I sat there remembering the first day I had ever heard the name Justin, I realized that it went deeper than just a major act of kindness, and illicit sex. My son loved that young man unconditionally. And by all accounts, he loves him still.


So today, I decided that it was time I actually begin making my amends to the one person to whom I owe the most of them. It’s why I’m here at his… at their new company called Kinnetik. I have to admit that I really like the name, and it suits Brian. But more importantly, from what I’ve heard, it suits Justin Taylor as well. I can only pray that Brian will be willing to hear what I have to say, and that I can accept his censure with good grace. Lord knows he’s had to accept mine in many ways and numerous times over the years. So it’s my turn.


“What the hell do you want, Joan?” He snaps upon seeing me. The happiness displayed on his face only moments ago has transformed into one of guarded anger. I can’t say that I blame him. Our last… encounter was anything but calm and civilized.


“To talk to you, if you’re willing to listen,” I answer him as meekly as I can. I don’t want to start a fight with him. “But first, I owe you an apology.”


He shrugs. “For what? You’ve let your low opinion of me be known so many times that it was just one more nail in my proverbial cross. So you can save it for confession; I don’t need or want it.” The bitterness in his voice cuts me deeply, and I want to turn tail and run to hide from the look of disgust in his eyes. But I won’t, just as he’s never done from me.


“Brian, will you please just listen?”


“There’s nothing more to say, Joan. I told you the truth and wasn’t believed, so what makes you think I’ll accept anything you have to say?”


“I suppose I deserve that…”


“And so much more,” he says, critically.


“Brian…” the young blond man I remember well says. “Maybe you should just let her say what she’s come to say. It might…” he leaves the sentence unfinished in the face of Brian’s angry look. But amazingly enough, the young man returns it with one of understanding and kindness without batting an eyelash.


I feel a slight touch on my shoulder and hear the gentle voice in my ear chiding me. “Joan, there you are! I thought I told you to wait for me and Uncle Tom. This wasn’t going to go as easily as you hoped.” he turns to the group within the office. “Hello everyone. It’s nice to see you all again.”


The first one to embrace him is Justin. “Holy shit, Blake! Man, you’ve cleaned up well.”


“It’s good to see you, Justin. I can say that you did, too. The last time I saw you, you were a lot less functional than you are now. So I take it you’ve given those naysaying doctors the big FUCK YOU.” He chuckles.


Brian perks up at that bit of news. “When was the last time you saw Justin?”


“At the rehab center. He was on the fourth floor, but I was on the eighth,” he tells us. “The facility treats invalids as well as drug abusers. One day I was on my way to the seventh floor for group when I see a little blond stowaway in the elevator, huddled into a corner.”


“It was the day they told me that it was unlikely I would ever draw again,” Justin whispers, and I can feel the weight on my heart that he must have felt being told that. From what I understand, he was born to be an artist. He lived it, and breathed it. For him to be told that it was unlikely that he was ever going to return to who he was as a person must have been unbelievably heartbreaking. But then he smiles and it’s like the sun has come out from behind the dark clouds. “I was trying to lead them on a wild goose chase. My plan was that while they were on the eighth floor looking for me, I would take the stairs and get the hell out of there. But seeing Blake kinda stopped me from doing that.”


“And it’s a good thing I did, too,” Blake smiles at Justin again and hugs him.


“So what are you doing here anyway, and with her?” Brian asks, pointing at me.


“Well Brian, this is part of Joan’s recovery.”


“Recovery?”


“Yes, Brian,” I answer and sigh, wringing my hands. This is going to be harder than I thought. “I-I’ve been in recovery for seven weeks from alcohol addiction. I… I had a really close call recently, and it caused me to really see what I’ve been doing to myself- and even moreso, to you- all these years. I’m not proud, and I’m certainly a work in progress, but all I can do is take the journey and try to rebuild the things I have willingly destroyed. For me, that especially means you, Brian. I may never understand how you love, or who, or why, but I can acknowledge that I was wrong for judging you. I know now what that feels like, and I also know that it’s not my job to play God. It took seeing my own faults to realize just how much I pointed out others. I suppose doing that meant I didn’t have to examine myself too closely.”


Justin moves over to stand next to Brian and clasp his hand into Brian’s, offering him support. On the outside, it looks like he doesn’t need it, but Brian and I are very similar people, even though he would rather chew rusty nails than admit it. I can’t begin to count how many times I pretended everything was right in my world rather than to admit failure at anything, especially when it came to my life with Jack Kinney. Knowing that I was living in a trap of my own making made me angry just about everyday since the age of sixteen when I married the man. I just wanted to get away from my abusive father, who had a different kind of hand trouble when it came to my sisters and I. But then instead of trading up, I ended up with Jack, which was in fact a little better than marrying Satan himself. Unfortunately, I took that anger out on my innocent son by being indifferent. At least that was until he did something wrong. Then I was paying extra close attention and punished him in the most harmful ways. And where I stopped, Jack had no problem picking up where I left off. Oh God, I know you forgive me. Now please help me to forgive myself.


“So you’ve come here for absolution, then?” Brian’s flat voice brings me out of my deep thoughts.


“No. I know there is nothing I can do to make you forgive and forget. But I do think that both you and I need to acknowledge that it happened and then try to move on from it. Now how we do that, I’ll leave up to you. I can only extend the olive branch, Brian, but it’s up to you whether you take it or not.”


I can tell he’s thinking about it when he gets that faraway look in his eyes. But there is also a little something else… “Did you know about what Claire has been up to all these years?”


Claire? What is he talking about? “What do you mean? I only know of her scheme to use John to extort money from you.”


“What do you mean by that?” Justin asks, genuinely puzzled.


“You mean you didn’t know or figure it out by now?”


“Figure what out?” Brian asks in confusion, before realization dawns. “You mean she was going to use the allegations of me sexually abusing John as blackmail?”


“Oh dear, you really didn’t know.” I roll my eyes heavenward, looking for help from above to explain this trickery to him. “Are either of you familiar with the man Claire’s been seeing?” I see both Brian and Justin drop their heads as the two women in the room gasp aloud.


“I’m more acquainted with the turd more than I should be,” Justin says, closing his eyes. “He’s my father.”


“Craig Taylor is your father?” I ask. I feel so stupid for not making the connection sooner. He nods. “Well, Craig and Claire came up with this scheme to have John say that Brian molested him so they could get money out of him. According to Craig, he should have been compensated for not having Brian arrested after he’d destroyed his family. His ex-wife, Jennifer, had been squeezing money out of Craig in alimony and child support payments. Up until then, from what I’ve overheard, he was no longer able to get ahold of the ready funds within his son’s trust fund. So they came up with a plan using some friend of theirs to set Brian up. In exchange for the charges being dropped, you pay them.”


“So you didn’t know all of this when you sided with Claire against Brian?” The young lady around Justin’s age asks. I think he called her Daphne.


“No, I didn’t. Contrary to popular belief or opinion, I would have put an immediate stop to it if I had. I may be a lot of things, but I try whenever possible to keep God’s commandments. Stealing, including blackmail, goes directly against that.”


“Are you aware that Peter is Craig’s son?” Brian asks.


My head is spinning at this new information. “But that would mean he’s…”


“My half brother,” Justin confirms.


“Oh my God, I have to tell John, Senior. All this time, that man has practically been killing himself trying to provide for both of those boys…” I shake my head. “I may not have liked him, but he’s surprisingly honorable. Although he refuses to send money for the boys, he’s still made sure they always have everything they need. This is going to break his heart. Brian, I...”


“Just one more question, Joan. When exactly did you find out about Craig and Claire’s scheme?” I look at him, trying to figure out why that is so important to him in lieu of what else is being revealed. “Please? It’s important.”


I can tell by the slightly-desperate note in his voice that it is. I hesitate, but then Blake is once again by my side, whispering in my ear. “You have to tell him, Joan. No matter how much it might hurt him, you have to tell him the whole truth.”


I look up at him with sad eyes. I know he’s telling me the right thing, but to admit it… I close my eyes, once again undergirding myself for Brian’s censure. Finally feeling myself become just that little bit more steady emotionally, I tell him, “It was the night I ended up in the hospital. After overhearing Claire and Craig discussing what they had done earlier in the afternoon, I went on a bender that almost turned out to be fatal. I was getting ready to go see you and apologize for my assumptions, but instead I fell asleep behind the wheel of my car, which was parked in the closed garage. It was running.”


The implications of my words ricochet throughout the room. While three of the occupants gasps at the revelation, Brian just stands there with his eyes widened in shock. I think it’s hit him that he could have been burying me instead of talking to me right now. I know that knowledge has given me pause many times over the last few weeks. Brian nods, and although I may not be forgiven now, I know he’s at least going to be willing to try. It’s all I can ask for.


“So what now?” Cynthia asks.


I was expecting some sort of plan of action to come from Brian, but am surprised when it’s Justin who speaks. “I think it’s time for Craig and Claire to answer some really tough questions. Joan, would you be willing to talk to the detective handling the evidence in a related case?”


“Related?”


“Yes. Michael Novotny is also involved in this, but so far he’s the only one who’s been arrested. With your help…”


“I can change that,” I answer. Brian and Justin snicker at each other about my response. “What?”


Justin smiles wide. “The last time a Kinney uttered those words in my presence, it changed my life.”


I smile at the blush creeping up on my son’s cheeks. “Well then, prepare for new beginnings.”


Justin leads Brian over by the hand, stopping directly in front of me. ‘Welcome home, Mrs. Kinney,” Justin says and leans over to kiss me on the cheek.


“Home? But I’ve always been here.”


“Maybe physically, but mentally and emotionally you left a long time ago. I think it’s time for Brian to get to know the real you.”

 

I feel the tears prickling behind my eyes because of this kind young man. Justin Taylor is indeed special; even more so than what I’ve been told about him. Watching my son’s reaction to his nearness tells me a great deal about the two of them as a… couple. That word in reference to the two men is going to take some time for me to get used to, but that’s exactly what they are. I think I understand what Tom was telling me now. I was only looking at Brian in terms of his sexuality, and have missed so much more about the man he’s grown to be. But now, I’m seeing him, seeing them, as people, and not as my ideal. Maybe there is hope for us yet.

 

Chapter End Notes:

 

A small explanation for Justin's seeming lapse in manners here. My darling Partner-in-Editing, Lorie, correctly pointed out that ordinarily Justin is extremely WASPy when addressing Joan, both on the series and in most fanfic. However, this variation of 'Justin' is a bit more edgy, and passed displaying manners for the sake of having them. The basis for his characterization here is mostly due to his outburst with Debbie in Season 2. Pre-bashing Justin would have never told Deb to mind her own fucking business, but post-bashing Justin wasn't inclined to curb his thoughts much.

 

That said, I would imagine this would also be the case regarding Joan Kinney, pre-allegation against Brian and post-allegations regarding John. He refers to her as 'Joan' to denote the lack of respect he feels for her because of the way she dismissed Brian's claims of innocence. However, at the end of the chapter, you see that he refers to her once again as 'Mrs. Kinney' to indicate that he's willing to give her a second chance. It might seem a little convoluted, but keep in mind that this variation of Justin is vastly different from the series 'Justin' in Season 3. Sure, they have some canon-driven similarities, but they have many more differences than what was potrayed on screen.

I hope you continue to enjoy JT2U!

HAPPY READING!

~Nichelle

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