CHAPTER 54: HERE AND NOW

BRIAN:

I think both of us have had enough conversation for now. But the funny thing about Justin and me is that we can have a long talk, even when we’re not saying a word. It’s in the way we just fill the silence that surrounds us. It’s in the connection we have, even when it seems broken and beyond repair. It’s the subtle touches and body language; the vibes that we give off which gives cues to the other even when we would rather close ourselves completely off from the rest of the world. And that’s the feeling I’m dealing with right now in reference to Justin.

I’m not used to him not wanting to talk. Out of the two of us, he’s always willing to express himself verbally. The one time he wasn’t, we imploded. No, I don’t think we’re in that place again, but it’s still quite unnerving. Part of me thinks he’s holding himself still and quiet for my benefit, which he’s had to do several times over the years. But in this moment, the other part of me- the part that is so attuned to him- is telling me that he’s sitting almost catatonic-like to keep himself from flying apart. Maybe it’s some combination of both, since I feel my own control slipping. I feel like I want to explode in all directions, damaging everyone and everything… except him. That has to mean something, right?

We arrived at the loft forty-five minutes ago, and it’s still just as silent as the car ride here. He’s not even sketching, which is usually how he deals with stress if he’s not eating or fucking. It’s making me anxious; it’s making me want to leave, but I can’t. I can’t do that to him for so many reasons. As destructive as I feel right now, it’s probably even worse for Justin. I mean, I’m just dealing with people who were supposed to be my best friends, and a sister I couldn’t ever stand. He’s dealing with a father who’s told him at least a million times that he loves him, but through every action has shown Justin nothing but hate.

That level of hurt is something I know very well. It’s not something that can be easily understood or reconciled. It’s fundamental, and able to shake the very core of everything you’ve ever known or thought about yourself, the world, and your place in it. But whereas Jack’s was as overt as one could get, Craig’s, in reference to Justin was insidious in every way until he came out. I know that I have to get Justin out of his head, and the sooner I do, the better. Otherwise, whatever was said during that meeting is just going to continue to eat him alive; I refuse to let that happen.

Crossing the room to our extensive CD collection, I find the perfect song to bring Justin back into focus of what’s really important right now. As the melodious chords come through the speakers, I’m reminded of the first time Justin played this song. It was the day after he’d allowed me into his body once again, before things took a turn from sugar to shit between us. I had arrived home early in the afternoon, after having another argument with Gardner about an account I’d worked on before he took over the company. The client was fickle and had demanded a new campaign since the company was under new management. I didn’t think it was necessary since the current contract was only six months old, and the owner didn’t want to pay another commission when he wasn’t even sure he was going to extend the year contract. The money was already spent for the commercial and print ads that were already released, but Gardner thought I should do it for free as a show of good faith with the new company. Instead of answering right away, I left the office, determined to get out of Gardner’s orbit before I quit my job.

Entering the loft, I saw Justin, sitting in the alcove, just as he is now. He was staring out through the windows at the river in the distance. A small smile played across his full lips, adding to the peace radiating off of him in that moment, and as the sun had moved across the sky it turned his blond hair into a halo as the sunlight filled the loft. When he looked at me, the shitty day I’d had at the office melted beneath the instant heat I felt from his gaze. And to me, right then, he’d never looked more beautiful.

One look in your eyes and there I see

Just what you mean to me

Here in my heart I believe

Your love is all I'll ever need

Holdin' you close through the night

I need you, yeah

“Dance with me?” I ask him, holding my hand out to him.

“Brian…”

“Please?” I let the question hang in the air, almost wanting laugh at the hitch in his breathing. It’s not often that I utter that one simple request to anyone, let alone him. But a wealth of meaning always goes into it when I do. And Justin knows that.

He takes my hand, and it’s then I feel the slight tremble. I know what he’s feeling in that moment; what he’s remembering, because I do, too. It was one of our last peaceful moments where the world according to our friends wasn’t allowed to intrude. As I begin to rock us gently to the melody, I feel his hands creep up behind to the nape of my neck, his eyes never leaving mine.

I look in your eyes and there I see

What happiness really means

The love that we share makes life so sweet

Together we'll always be

This pledge of love feels so right

And, ooh, I need you

Here and now

I promise to love faithfully (Faithfully)

You're all I need

Here and now

I vow to be one with thee (You and me), hey

Your love is all (I need) I need

I can see every emotion looking into the blue eyes, and I feel like I’m drowning in them. I always have whenever he looks as me as he is now. The first time we danced to this, I felt the fear rock me to my core. I knew he was taking me emotionally to a place where I would have given him anything, and I couldn’t help but resist it in some of the most hurtful ways to him imaginable. It didn’t dawn on me that he was already there, waiting for me. But now, it’s different because we are. There is only one person in this world whom I trust implicitly, and I’m holding him. And I know that my trust and faith in us is returned a million fold. It’s very humbling and empowering all at the same time.

When I look in your eyes, there I'll see

All that a love should really be

And I need you more and more each day

Nothin' can take your love away

More than I dare to dream

I need you

Here and now

As I begin to dance us all over the loft, I can’t help but marvel at how amazing it is that we’ve somehow reached this point. Is our situation ideal? Hell no! But it’s ours. For better or worse, it belongs to us. I think back to the second night he came looking for me, and realize that even then, Justin held some kind of power over me. It just wouldn’t let me forget him and move back to Father Goodfuck with a clear conscience. Even as he’d driven away in tears, I felt like I had committed one of the biggest acts of self-inflicted abuse that I ever had up until that point. I won’t deny that I fucked the guy, wishing he was the young man I’d sent away. And even though right now within my own head, I feel like I might have grown a fucking twat. Just swinging Justin around this loft, seeing the clouds slowly lift once again from his cerulean blue eyes, makes my secret foray into mental lesbianism worth it.  

“Stop it,” he says, smiling at me.

“Haven’t done anything.”

“Liar.”

I gasp in faux-shock, saying in falsetto, “Moi?”

“Oui, tu, Brian,” he snickers. “You’re not a lesbian for being sweet to me right now.”

Ooh, (starting here) and ooh I'm starting now

I believe (I believe in love), I believe

Instead of answering right away, I kiss him and dip him, relishing the breathless sound that escapes him in surprise. Removing my lips from his before he has a chance to deepen the exchange, I tell him, “I have not, nor have I ever been anything remotely mundane as the word sweet.”

“Sure you have,” he says before he licks under my chin. “Right there, you taste sweet.” And then he shifts to the spot on the left side of my neck which makes me moan. Letting his tongue play there for a little while until my pulse ratchets up, he says, “And right here, you’re sweet. And…”

He doesn’t get to finish that statement as I kiss him again.

(Starting here) I'm starting right here

(Starting now) Right now because I believe in your love

So I'm glad to take the vow

Here and now, oh 

I promise to love faithfully (Faithfully)

You're all I need

My lips haven’t detached from him even as I reenact the infamous spin we performed only one time in public. Justin’s body recognizes it immediately as his fingers sift convulsively through my hair, but I continue to hold him spellbound to this kiss. I stop the turn slowly, watching as the dazed expression in his eyes becomes visible to me once again. Letting him slide down my body, I resume the dance as the chorus comes back in.

“You’re sweet, too,” I whisper against his ear, relishing the small chuckle which escapes him.

“I know. It’s why you love me.”

Here and now, yeah

I vow to be one with thee (You and me), yeah

Your love is all I need

I look into his eyes again, letting everything I feel for this amazing man flow through me. Every hard-won battle, the war we’re fighting with the things and people trying their best to tear us apart… everything we’ve gone through thus far or will in the future, it’s all worth moments like this. Moments where nothing else matters except what we have found in each other. This is the real Brian and Justin, that no one knows but us. Preserving this is worth everything; we, together- our wholeness and our fucking happiness- is worth any price. And just as sure as I'm feeling this way, I know Justin is, too. If I'm honest, he always has, even when we couldn't physically and emotionally be together. But fucking hell, it's our time now!

As the song continues to wind down, with Luther Vandross’ melodic tenor voice as the only sound within the loft, I know that Justin knows, but I also know that today is the day he needs to hear the confirmation that he's not alone. “Yeah, Twat, you've caught me. I do love you.”

Then I let my lips continue talking as they reconnect with his in the only way that matters right now to both of us. But more importantly, I show him a new landscape where he’s valued and treasured. Not because of what he gives me, but because of who he is. Loving him continues to prove to be the smartest decision my heart has ever made, and yeah… I can live with that for the rest of my life.

Cause Your love is all I need...