CHAPTER 76: THE GIFT OF GOODBYE

STEPHEN:

I can’t help but see the pain Deb is in. Although I understand and sympathize with what all the others are going through- having been at the point where they are myself- I get where Debbie is in her head at the moment. She’s figuratively stuck on loop of a time warp, seeing all the events of the past and wishing things could have turned out differently. It’s only natural for someone to wonder if they would have turned left instead of right, would they have made another choice; would they have seen one better than the road they’ve embarked upon. The problem with that thinking is that it isn’t based in reality, but on a daydream that will never come to fruition. 

No one can turn back the hands of time, or find a way to erase all the damage done to themselves or those around them. All you can do is move on, and in the end, hope for a brighter and clearer path so that you never repeat the same mistakes again. But seeing her in this state, doesn’t make what I have to do now any less hard. I’m holding a certified letter that was just delivered a few minutes ago; one that I was warned about in advance, and the very same one she thought would never come. I suppose she thought that no matter what she’s done that Brian would never cut off all significant ties to her, but this… Well this is one of the most final steps he could have ever taken to break free of the hold she has on him.

But with the arrival of this letter, I think it’s time that Deb and I review some very particular options, here and now. Alex wouldn’t be able to really reach her the way I can, so I told him that I would speak with her. It has to be up to me to help Debbie, because, in all honesty, I don’t think even my loving partner is going to be willing to do so at this point. She’s burned a lot of bridges already, but if she ever turned her venom towards Alex… With that thought in mind, I step out onto the patio. 

“Hey, Deb. This came for you a few minutes ago,” I say as I hand her the certified letter.

“What is it?”

“I didn’t open it, but I did sign for it in your stead. I imagine that you have been sitting here and thinking a lot within the last few hours. So I told the courier that I would see that you got it.”

“Just trying to figure out where it all went wrong. I mean, I lost everyone else, but to lose Vic, too…” she trails off as she fumbles with the envelope to reveal its contents. 

“I know it hurts, Deb. Remember, I have been in your position too.”

“Yes, but that was due to the idiocy of your brother.”

“True. But even still, I know the loneliness and terror you must be feeling right now; the anger and despair that always accompanies those same emotions.”

She nods at me, even as her face scrunches up as she reads the letter. She sobs out, “Brian has relinquished any and all responsibility to act as both mine and Michael’s power of attorney. I can’t believe he is doing this! He promised that…”

“And just how many promises have you made to him and broken every single one?”

“That was different!”

“Oh, how so?”

“It’s just that… Brian was so much stronger and tougher than Michael. He could handle the disappointment better, and never threw a tantrum about it. He just kept going, whereas Michael… And now he does this! I don’t want to have to make these kind of decisions for myself, and certainly not for my son, Stephen. I can’t! It’s why we- me and Michael- chose Brian to do it.”

“What makes you think that he was qualified to make such decisions on behalf of you and your son? Deb, that’s heartless, and honestly quite mercenary of the both of you.”

“THAT WAS BRIAN! I mean, back then, he would have been able to make the decision, and he wouldn’t cry about it. No, he’d just do what needed to be done, and the move on while never looking back. It’s why I chose him, after Michael convinced me that it was the right decision to make.”

“Did you ever wonder why Michael would convince you of such a thing? Did you ever see that there was an ulterior motive to him even suggesting that Brian act as your power of attorney?”

“In Michael’s mind, Brian was destined to take care of him, especially if he’d lost me. Lord knows my son would have kept me on life support just for the sake of saying that I was still alive. I would have become an excuse for him NOT to do what he ought.”

“And what reason did he give you for choosing Brian as his own POA?”

“Originally, he said that it was better for Brian to make the decision to pull his plug so that I wouldn’t have to feel the weight of the decision.”

“But?”

“Now, I don’t know that it was the real reason… or better yet, that it remained the reason.”

“Well, given your history with Brian, and Michael’s life-long wishe for him to act as a life partner to him, I’d say that Michael’s goal in naming Brian his POA was so that he could tie Brian to him, even in death.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“Would you have let Brian move on from his decision to pull Michael’s plug?” The look of shame on her face told me all I needed to know. “No, you wouldn’t have. You would have crammed what he did down his throat until he either choked on the knowledge of his responsibility, or was crushed under its weight. Any time you would have been angry, or sad, or depressed that your son was no longer in the land of the living, you would have lashed out at Brian, undoubtedly calling him a murderer, even if you knew that wasn’t the case. You would have reminded Brian of all you had done for him so that if he tried to create a life without Michael at the forefront of his mind, he would have felt such guilt that he never would have taken the chance to actually live his own life. So Brian doing this is the right thing for HIM, and now the decisions regarding YOUR son are firmly back under your control.”

“But I don’t want it! God, it’s like Brian- all of them- forget that I was a part of their family, too.”

“It’s not that they have forgotten, Deb. It’s that the price you continued demanding of them to pay for your son’s happiness was much too high. No one deserves to be emotionally manipulated into doing what they don’t want to do, not even you.”

“But I didn’t…”

“Yes, you did. But can you tell me what your real reason was for going over there last night? Because honestly, it doesn’t make sense, unless it was really just to bully them into accepting you back into their lives.”

“I… I…”

I nod at her, before shaking my head. “So it was for that reason alone, huh?”

“I just didn’t think it was fair for them to be sitting there all comfy and cozy with Joan Kinney, while Michael is stuck in jail, and I wasn’t even included!”

“And you still can’t see the reason that you weren’t?”

“No! Or I mean, yes I can, but I don’t understand why Joan fucking Kinney gets a second chance and I don’t.”

“It never occurred to you that while she’s being given a second chance for the first time, you’ve had several of them?”

“I’m not sure what you mean. I’ve never asked them for anything!”

“Except to take care of Michael. In Brian’s case, you treated him as if he was Michael’s manservant, his bank, his bodyguard, and his husband, instead of just his friend, or pseudo-brother. Brian is NONE of those things, yet if he wanted your conditional love and acceptance, he had to be. In Justin’s case, well he was meant to be Michael’s punching bag. In your world, it was okay for Justin to continually be bullied- not only at school but within your own home, too- because Michael was, and he’d survived. But Justin didn’t have a Brian to protect him from any of those out to get him, especially your son. But that was okay, right? Because as long as Michael was happy, you didn’t have to worry if his ever-running mouth was going to get his ass kicked. Right?”

“Why are you attacking me?”

“I’m not; just trying to get you to really see and understand how you damaged the family you supposedly loved, and why they no longer want anything to do with you. Ted and Emmett… Do you even know how many times Michael has hurt them? I can answer that for you. No, you really don’t, because while he projected this air of innocence in your presence, he was being a mean-spirited motherfucker behind your back. And then dared to threaten them, however subtly, that if they said anything untoward to or about him in return, they would have to answer to you. Is there any way that you can misunderstand now why they don’t want to have anything to do with you? Because even faced with ALL of the evidence, you’re still expecting them to forgive and forget what Michael has done to them; to bail him out emotionally and physically once again. And since they won’t do that, you have acted just as Michael predicted and threatened that you would. Don’t you see that?”

She burst into tears, finally understanding what she did to destroy their faith in her as a mother figure, and as a person. That revelation has to be one of the hardest things she’s ever had to accept in her life. Because it means that she was never the type of person she believed she was. She wasn’t kind, caring, considerate, and fair. She was cruel, manipulative, and mean whenever it suited her. And when faced with the reality of her misdeeds, she was both an emotional and physical bully to people who were already abused in some capacity by the families they had already escaped with barely their own sanities in tact.  

“So what do I do now?” she asks, her voice still tearfilled.

“I think I may have a solution, but it’s up to you whether you want to take it or not. Understand that you are under no obligation whatsoever to take these measures, but I really think they will help. There is just too much stress and temptation here in Pittsburgh for you to get yourself together, Deb. You’ve already ignored all advice to stay away from them, and to give them time until they were ready to speak with you. You’ve already proven that you have no impulse-control when it comes to inflicting your will…”

“What? You’re suggesting that I leave here?”

“For a time, yes. It will allow you to come to terms with everything, while giving you the room to grow. If you remain here, watching them flourish and live their lives without you, it’s going to eat at what’s left of your soul. We don’t want that for you, and I can tell you that it’s a crushing weight that you just don’t need.”

“But where would I go? The sale of my house isn’t even finalized yet, so my funds are limited severely.”

“I know. But the good news is that my company has affiliates with other colleges and universities throughout America, so you just have to pick a destination. As with you attending Carnegie Mellon, your tuition will be paid in full. But instead of staying with me and Alex until you complete your studies, we’ll pay your rent and utilities until you graduate. You just have to keep your grades up for the two years it will take to get your Associate's degree. You may even want to attend during the summer, so that it will speed up the process and you can finish up early. But if I may make a suggestion though…”

“Okay.”

“Pick somewhere warm where you can enjoy the weather, too. It’s what I would do if I wasn’t tied to Pittsburgh for various reasons, mainly that of my man. And who knows, you might like your new destination so much that you’ll want to stay there and build a life for yourself.”

“Maybe you’re right, Stephen. As hard as it is to believe and accept, maybe I do need a little time and distance away to wrap my head around all that’s happened. And I’ve always heard good things about Savannah, Georgia.”

I smile at her. “I have to tell you, Deb, I was hoping you would choose Savannah. We have a contract with Savannah Tech down there, and I think you’ll really enjoy it since there is so much to see and do in that historic place. Plus, because the city itself is known for hospitality, you’ll definitely receive a first-rate education. You’ll stay in one of our bed and breakfasts there to see how it’s run from the ground up.”

“How soon do you want me to leave?”

I can’t help but hear the sad note in her voice. “It’s not that I want you to leave, Debbie. But I do think it’s the best thing for you- for ALL of you- at this juncture. You can’t heal here. And if you can’t, you won’t allow the others to do so either. It’s how you’ve operated thus far, and your actions last night prove the truth of my words.”

“But I feel so… alone. Like they don’t even care whether I’m alive and breathing, or dead and stinking.”

“The one thing you and Michael never got is that you can’t make somebody care; they either do or they don’t. And whereas they may very well love you, Deb, the bottom line is that right now, they don’t like you. And if you’re honest about it, right now, you don’t like yourself very much either. While you’re away, all I’m going to ask, beyond your agreement to study hard and learn your lessons well, is that you simply be yourself. Don’t remain Michael’s Ma, or better yet, his creation.”

“But it’s all I’ve ever been. It’s all I know how to be, Stephen. It’s all that I am.”

“No, it’s not, Deb. Let’s face facts here: Michael is going away for a VERY long time…” When she begins to look as if she might argue, I hold up my hand. “It’s true, Deb, whether you want to accept it or not. There is so much more to this story than you know thus far, and I’m pretty sure that there will be more revealed as time continues to march on. So, that said, you have to build a life for yourself that is NOT centered on his happiness, but on your own. You cannot continue to do yourself a disservice. And whether the others forgive you and allow you back into their lives- or they forgive you but still keep you at this great distance- it is THEIR choice to make. However, you having a life of your own will help you improve the relationships you might be able to rebuild with them, or you’ll be able to let them go with love and well wishes.”

We continue to talk for awhile longer about the course load, and hours she’ll split between classes and the B&B. I want her to have enough free time that she’ll be able to visit the landmarks, and maybe even find a new support system among the senior population down there. The lady who runs the B&B called Legacy, was in a situation similar to Deb’s, only it’s her only daughter that’s in jail for so many offenses that she’ll be 175 years old before she sees the light of day again, and she’s only twenty-five. I’m sure that if anyone can help Deb let Michael go from a mother’s perspective, it will be Blanche Blessingdale.

As Deb goes up to begin packing, I make all the plans and reservations by the computer. Then I put in a call to Blanche, apprising her of the entire situation from beginning to where we are now in Deb’s story. If there’s one thing I know, it’s that Blanche won’t allow Deb to live in her delusion that she raised a perfect child who could do no wrong. Nor will she allow Deb to take her son’s many sins unto herself. It took quite some time for Blanche to stop blaming herself for all of Jessica’s shortcomings; hopefully with the two of them becoming friends, it won’t be as long for Deb. 

And with any luck, and a whole lot of prayer, Deb will FINALLY be able to move on.