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CHAPTER 82: GET YOUR MIND RIGHT


DAPHNE


“Hey,” I say as I come into Justin’s office, nearly dropping the files in my hand. “What are you still doing here? I thought you and Brian would be flying the friendly skies by now.”


“I had some last-minute things I needed to get for the presentation,” he answers, but it isn’t in his usual tone. 


If there is ONE thing I have always prided myself on, it is actually knowing Justin Cole Taylor. Of course, his last name has changed to Taylor-Kinney now, but I can’t imagine that the core of who my best friend is changed all that much in recent times. So, knowing all of that, I can immediately tell when something has upset his applecart. Instead of responding right away, I walk over to take one of the plush seats in front of his desk. Although his head is down, I can tell he’s no longer looking at the artwork spread out before him.


“So what’s eating you?” I ask, already expecting the JES- as in Justin Evasion System- to kick in.


“Nothing. Just nervous I guess.”


“And that’s bullshit.”


His head snaps up then, his eyes sparkling with anger and perhaps a little resentment that I know him as well as I do. “It’s not bullshit, Daph. A lot is riding on this for me.”


“Be that as it may, you’re still not nervous, Jus. Nevermind that I know you almost as well as I know myself, in times like this your nervousness is channeled into predator mode. Whatever fear you feel is transformed into anticipation, and cunning and skill; not this scared-of-his-own-shadow creature you’re projecting. I KNOW YOU!”


“Yes, well, you don’t know everything about me, Daph,” he answers forcefully, and it’s then that I know he’s either hiding something, or done something he’s feeling fucked up over.


“Again, I call bullshit. Your defensive posture tells me all I need to know, Jus. So what did you do?”


“Who said I did anything?” he sneers, and I’m tempted to smack the life back into his suddenly-deadened eyes.


“You did, just by the way you’re looking at me right now.” Said eyes narrow at me, but I’m not through. “So again I have to ask, what. The Hell. Did YOU. DO?"


The fight leaves him then, but I can tell he still doesn’t want to answer me. Which can only mean that it concerns him and Brian. So I’m not surprised when he comes out with, “It’s just a lot of personal stuff, Daph. Don’t worry about it.”


“I’m not worried. You, on the other hand, should be.”


“What do you mean by that?” he gasps out, and it’s then that I know I’ve struck a nerve.


“Just that whatever beef is between you and Brian right now, you’d better grill it up and eat it because you’re going to need each other by the time you reach Palm Springs. I can almost guarantee whatever you find there is going to try to drive an even further wedge between you. Knowing Novotny, I have no doubt of all the suggestive content contained within that house to make anyone- especially you, in your present state of mind- believe that he and Brian are eternal. So get your shit together! Fuck and make-up if you have to, but DO NOT GO INTO THIS ALREADY DIVIDED! You won’t survive seeing the place if you do. And another thing...”


The angry and sad tears, flowing from Justin’s eyes faster with every word I said, stops me mid-tirade. I can’t help but really notice his disheveled look then. Not his suit, which is impeccable but the fact that he looks as if he’s been pulling at his hair in frustration. Again, I wonder what Justin has done. In my memory, I can only remember a few times that he’s looked ready to jump out of his own skin… and they are all post-bashing.


I lower my voice again, before speaking. I dare not approach him, even though he’s gotten up out of his chair and has begun to pace behind his desk as if he’s a caged lion. “Justin… what happened last night? When we left here, you and Brian were solid. So what changed between then and now?”


He stops and looks at me, hurt and anguish clear in the blue eyes I’ve come to know so well. “I… I can’t…”


“You can. But don’t tell me all of it. Just the gist, so that I can help talk you through it. For whatever reason, you’ve shut Brian out.”


“I didn’t.”


“Yes, you have, otherwise he would be here within his own office micromanaging everything and everyone while you’re here.”


He sighs, throwing himself dejectedly into his seat before speaking to me again. “We had an argument last night…”


“Just for clarification, do you mean an argument of the yelling variety, or that coldly calculating rhetorical question kind?”


“Why does that matter?” He frowns at me, trying to work out my angle.


I roll my eyes at him before replying, “It tells me the degree of damage done.”


“I’m not following.”


“No, I imagine you wouldn’t, since you and Brian tend to just spew shit and not think about how it’s taken.”


“Hey!” He whines, but I call him on that shit right away.


“Don’t ‘hey’ me, Justin. Unfortunately, I’ve been privy to both of those types of contretemps between you two. And I can definitely tell you that one is much WORSE than the other. So which one was it?”


He makes that fucking put-upon sound again, and I just want to deck him. Not because I don’t understand where he’s coming from, but because for a brief moment, I hear Michael and Lindsay echoing in the sound. They would always do that when they tried to evade giving direct answers or attempt to make you sound unreasonable for asking the question in the first place. Although I know that neither is the case with Justin, that particular fucking sigh grates on my nerves anyway.


He clears his throat. “So, originally it started out with me and Brian yelling at each other, but then ended with me firing a pretty cutting rhetorical question in his direction.”


“Why cutting?”


“Because I knew even before I asked it that he could barely register what I was telling him, and wasn’t going to be able to defend himself.”


“Then why ask the question in the first place?” I ask, exasperated. I can’t even begin to count how many times Justin and I have been through this same type of post-argument analysis for him to continue to engage in it. Oh, I know that he doesn’t do it intentionally, even if his words hit their mark both acutely and hurtfully. But it doesn’t excuse the fact that he can’t rewind them after they’ve been put out into the atmosphere. Words have power, and unfortunately, most of the thoughtless ones he and Brian allow to fly around in the heat of the moment become as spectors that can never be exorcised. I shake my head at him again, before continuing with, “It couldn’t have been about just making a point, Jus; that’s not the way you guys operate. So what was the argument about?” 


I have a feeling I already know, especially since most of the time it’s about Michael. The rat-bastard always brings out the worst in Justin, and unintentionally, Brian usually defends him. Years of conditioning can do that to a person. And whereas Justin would normally understand, with the current situation he doesn’t have any empathy left in him for such an occurrence. But I wait for confirmation of my thoughts anyway. 


“The fact that I didn’t tell him about my suspicions regarding Michael long before now. I mean, when exactly was I supposed to do that? Michael had everyone’s ear before, during, and after my time with Ethan. Playing the dewy-eyed innocent was a way of life for Michael! So when the hell was I supposed to just say, ‘Oh hey, Brian, Michael has nefarious plans for you’ and have it be taken for the truth it was? So ultimately Brian was pissed at me because I chose to remain silent and preserve what little bit of sanity I had left at the time.”


And isn’t it a sad day when I can understand both points of view in reference to the little weasel? I understand Justin’s dilemma firsthand, having been witness to many of Michael’s idiotic little tantrums directed at him. I’ve also been around several times when Michael would whisper some of the meanest things, and then when Justin would react, he’d play victim only to be believed by the rest of the family while Justin came off looking like a brat. But then I can sympathize with Brian, too, because if you can’t trust your partner to brave your anger in telling you the absolute, unadulterated truth, then who can you trust? It was doomed to be a soul-crushing argument no matter which way the wind blew, and as a result, there was no right or wrong answer on how to handle it.


And I tell Justin that, before following up with, “So Brian walked out?”


“Yes. Before things could escalate to the point where he would say something that he would regret, he left.”


“But I would imagine that his leaving you there alone caused him regret anyway? I mean, by the look of you, I can just about imagine the shit you got up to last night after he left.”


“Daphne…”


“Oh, don’t bother, Justin!” I look at him sternly. “This isn’t my first rodeo with YOU or Brian when it comes to recognizing the signs of pain management. And I’ve been around you both long enough to actually KNOW what it costs the pair of you. So how bad does Brian look today?”


I see him wince, just before he bows his head to shield his face from me. “He says he’s okay, but… I…”


“Justin, he knows that you didn’t do on purpose even better than you do. So if he’s telling you to let it go, then you have to. You can’t withhold yourself from him. Doing that to him last time…”


“God! I know, Daph!” He pulls at his hair in frustration again, and I’m tempted to tie his hands to the armrests of his chair. He’s going to snatch himself bald if he doesn’t cut that shit out. “It’s just that I feel so…”


I sigh deeply. “I know that the guilt of last night- of what you did, or almost did, and the resulting injury to Brian- is wracking you right now. I’m not trying to take that away from you. But Justin, you guys can’t afford not to communicate in every possible way that you do at the moment. Beyond hurt feelings and anger, and whatever remorse you’re feeling right now, you two are about to face down your common enemies. Brian is going to need you now more than ever, because now he can’t NOT see what Michael’s intent was; can’t excuse it away like he would have even until the very recent past. This isn’t just about you, but the TWO of you. Can’t you see that?”


He looks at me again with tears in his eyes that he’s trying his absolute best not to let spill over. My heart is breaking for him, but I can’t afford to give in to my natural inclination to hug him whispering that everything will be alright. Not this time. This time, he has to pull himself together for both of their sakes, otherwise, they might as well give up the fight right now. And no matter how much it pains both of us to sit in these chairs and not embrace as we usually would have done, our friendship depends on our ability to do so. I can’t be Brian for him in this… to do so would make me no better than Michael and Lindsay.


“Tell me how to fix this, Daph.”


“I can’t this time, Jus. And honestly, you don’t want me to. All I can do is tell you to be completely honest with yourself and Brian. In the meantime, just know that I’m on the sidelines cheering mightily for the both of you to make it. The two of you have been through so much already, but it’s nothing compared to what you’re about to go through. The world as Brian has known it has already been rocked, but now it’s about to be shattered. It’s up to you to get him through it, and you can’t do that with any distance between you. Don’t let Michael and Lindsay win the game they tried to play; the one they are still trying to play even now.”


And as he collects the files he came for and leaves the office, all I can do is hope that I’ve broken through to him. I meant what I said when I told him that I can’t be Brian for him. I know my place as his best friend. And although at one time I would have loved to cross that line with him, it would never have been worth the risk of our friendship. I lost sight of that for a time back when he first took my virginity, but thankfully I came to my senses relatively soon afterwards. Because deep down in my heart, I know that if I’d have forced Justin to choose between me and Brian, he would have chosen himself.


And Brian is such a major part of who Justin is, and who he’s growing to be. 


That doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love me; only that he found the other part of himself under a streetlight on Liberty Avenue and he wouldn’t have let that go for anyone and anything. And I wouldn’t have wanted him to, which is what makes me different from Michael and Lindsay. It’s because I know that nothing and no one could change Justin’s feelings for or about me, so there was never a need to play any power games. Too bad they didn’t learn that lesson, and now they are about to pay for it for the rest of their lives. They’re about to learn how to be a real friend… in reverse.


I can’t say that I’m even remotely sorry about that.


MELANIE


I open the front door to see Brian standing there. “I was just about to take Gus to Dusty’s for a few hours. What the hell happened to you?”


“Justin…”


“What the hell do you mean Justin? Baby wouldn’t…”


“No, it’s not like that, Mel. Let’s just say that we got a little rough last night,” he says as he takes Gus out of my arms. “Hey there Sonnyboy. You’re going off to your playdate, huh?”


“Yes, he is. And don’t change the subject. I thought you two would have been boarding the plane by now. The trip’s not canceled is it?”


“No, Mel. It’s not like that.”


“Then what… Oh my God, he told you about the situation with Michael, didn’t he?”


“Yeah, he did.”


“And your reaction was?”


“Mel…”


“Don’t, Brian. This isn’t the time for you to evade the question. Now, what was your reaction?”


“I didn’t…”


“Bullshit!” I yell, startling both him and Gus. Brian soothed our son immediately, even as I apologized for my outburst. When Gus was suitably calm again, I asked, “You defended Michael again, didn’t you?”


“No. But I didn’t help matters by walking out either.” Brian sighed and then sat on the steps while keeping ahold of Gus. “At first, I just chalked it up as the most unbelievable tale he could have told me…”


“You called him a liar?”


Brian closes his eyes, and it isn’t hard to see his misery when he opens them again. “Not in so many words. But in my defense, how was I supposed to believe that Michael could, or would, plot to kidnap me? I’m heavier, have more muscle mass…”


“Yes, but desperate times call for desperate measures, Brian. And we both know how Michael can seem to the average person. Hell, he’s been playing those closest to him for years, including his mother and you. So what would make you think that he wouldn’t have found some gullible fool to believe whatever concocted story he’d made up to get you where he wanted you?”


“I don’t know, Mel. But to believe that he- my self proclaimed best friend- could do something so… so…”


“Fucked-up, Brian. Because that’s the only reasonable way to describe Michael’s plans and actions concerning you, and even that’s putting it mildly.”


“Yeah, it is. I mean, what the fuck have I ever done to make him or Lindsay think…”


“It wasn’t about what you did, but what they wanted, Brian. You have to know that.”


“Somewhere, I do, but…”


“Oh no! You will NOT sit there and blame yourself for their bullshit, Brian. This is NOT your bag, so stop carrying it around like it is.”


“Pot meet kettle, much?”


“This is not about ME, Brian, and you know it.”


“But even knowing that it doesn’t stop you from doing the same thing you’re accusing me of doing, Melanie. Why are you letting Lindsay win?”


“What do you mean?”


“That you’re still hiding behind work and motherhood to keep you from living.”


“I already agreed to meet with Leda while we’re in California, Brian.”


“Be that as it may, you’re still going into with reservations, aren’t you?”


“Wouldn’t you?”


“No.”


“No?”


“No. Because I would know that it’s time for me to cut the noose around my neck.”


“Kettle meet pot, much?”


“Now what are you talking about?”


“That fucking conditioning thing you’ve still got going where the Novotnys are concerned.” He goes to protest, but I hold up my hand to stay the automatic argument he’s about to give me. “I’m not into bullshit, so save it for another farmer you can shuck and jive, Kinney. The bottom line is that if you fixed your lips, or marched your skinny ass right out of the loft after Justin told you what Michael planned, you STILL defended Michael through your actions.”


“Funny, but not funnily you're telling me the same thing Joan and Pettigrew did last night when I saw them after all this shit happened.”


“And don’t you think they- especially Joan- had a point?”


“I did, which is why I went home. But Justin was gone by the time I got back there.”


I can see the dread on his face so my first inclination is to ask, “What do you mean that he was gone by the time you got back home? Where’s Baby?”


Brian notices the rising panic in my questions and works to reassure me. “He’s not gone permanently, Mel. It’s just… well, he went on a bender last night, and by the time we found him… It could have been a lot worse; in fact, it would have been if I hadn’t reached him in time.”


“In time? In time for what?” He just stops fidgeting with Gus and looks at me, willing what he wouldn’t say aloud into me. “Fuck! Pain management 101,” I say with certainty.


“Yes, and even worse than the last time.”


“But he didn’t…”


“No. As I said, I got to him just in time. And this is the result.” He motions to himself.


I sigh, partially in relief, and the other in sadness for the two of them. “So what are you going to do?”


“There isn’t much I can do until he’s ready to talk to me. And we both know that Justin NOT talking is a very dangerous thing to both of us. I told him that it wasn’t a big deal, but it doesn’t stop him from putting himself in the same category as Jack, Lindsay, Michael… and even who my mother used to be.”


“But that couldn’t be further from the truth!”


“I know, and I told him. But Sunshine has to be willing to snatch that bogus thought out of his little blond head; I can’t do it for him.”


And it’s right then that I can see just how much he’s hurting over all of this. I touch him softly on the knuckles while he caresses Gus’ back as he bounces him on the knee. “It will work out, Brian. He probably just needs time to come to grips with it all, you know?”


“I know, but…”


“Then let him, but you both need to be honest with each other, Brian. We don’t know what kind of shit Michael had in that house but rest assured that it’s definitely something intending to hurt not just you, but BOTH of you. So you need to be even more solid than the united front you both presented on tv. I know that wasn’t an act, and so do you. But you’re going to need each other in ways I suspect that neither of you ever bargained for. This isn’t just going to be about the death of your friendships with Michael and Lindsay, but confirmation of everything Justin thought but couldn’t bring himself to say. It has to be a scary place emotionally for him.”


“You’re saying that as if you know more than what you told Justin.”


I debate with myself about disclosing all that my contact at the police station imparted to me this morning before I even rolled out of bed. Harmony Knowles and I have known each other since undergrad, and have always kept in touch. Consequently, she’s the supervisor of the Forensic Department that’s in charge of processing the evidence from Jason Kemp’s murder and comparing it to the evidence collected from Lance Freeman’s apartment here in Pittsburgh. She wanted to give me a heads-up because it looks like all of our suspicions about Michael’s possession of the vials and syringes are confirmed. They are just waiting on one more test to be run before they print up the report in its entirety. 


“I can’t tell you everything that was told to me, Brian. But it looks like both Michael and Lindsay were more involved in the Kemp murder than we initially thought. According to my source at the station, the DNA test came back this morning, but there’s still one more test that they have to run before they can officially present it to Linton. So you see, Brian, Justin couldn’t, and wouldn’t have told you what he didn’t have concrete proof of, especially since it concerned Michael. Not only that, but I can’t honestly sit here and say that we all would have believed him if he did. It was no secret that the two of you were having problems, even though none of us knew their extent…”


“That’s not true.”


“What isn’t?”


“That no one knew the extent of the problems between Justin and I. Michael and Lindsay did.”


“How?”


“Even though Justin and I never said anything out in public, Lance was watching all of the activity within the loft. It’s how the two of them always knew when to show up. So it stands to reason that he would have told them what was going on between Justin and I even though we thought our struggles were always private. I suspect that’s how Michael knew about Justin taking uppers and downers just to be able to function through the day back then. Between his school schedule, and working at the Diner and Babylon, he was barely standing up most days, and he was still having trouble sleeping at night no matter how exhausted he was. That’s how Michael knew… Fuck!”


“Yeah, fuck indeed, Brian. I remember that time, and although you and Justin denied that anything was seriously wrong with him, Em, Ted, and I knew that something was. We just didn’t know the right questions to ask. But even with his mood swings, there were the secret looks between Lindsay and Michael, plus the fact that Justin had become incredibly… I don’t know, careful? about exploding at Michael when he would deliberately goad him. We all couldn’t figure out why, when in the past, Justin would at least utter a sarcastic rejoinder to show that Michael was intellectually no match for him. Now I understand why.”


“Justin said that Michael threatened him into silence by saying that he would tell the police Justin was stalking us- as in me and him- and stating that Justin was a druggie.”


“Do you think that’s why Michael had the police ransack the loft? Not so much in regards to Gus, but to prove that Justin was still using drugs?”


“Not me?”


“No. Removing you permanently wasn’t the main goal for Michael. But although he WAS angry with you too, his main focus would have been to get rid of Justin and Gus. They were- are- the two most important people in your life; the two who keep your attention the most. So with that thought in mind, perhaps his ultimate goal was to get you back to where he thought you belonged by showing you what would happen if you continued to refuse him.” 


“But by that reasoning, why lash out at you?”


“Because thanks to me, you and Justin were able to take the step into Domestic Partnership that you were NEVER going to take with him. It couldn’t just be because he’s a repulsive little cretin with Daddy issues. No, in Michael’s warped mind, I had to have suggested it to you because no way could you make a move or think for yourself without his approval.”


Before he has a chance to respond, a taxi pulls up into the driveway, stopping right in front of us. I immediately see Brian’s surprise and happiness as the lone occupant jumps out with his messenger bag, and a mountain of purchases from DecoTrip. After paying the fare, Justin practically runs up the stairs, dropping his bags unceremoniously and reaching for a smiling Gus. As Justin holds him close, I see how just the act of inhaling Gus’ sweet scent calms him. “I thought I wasn’t going to make it in time.”


“That’s alright, Baby. I was just going to take him over to Dusty’s for a playdate while I went into the office for a few hours. Janean said that the forensic accounting report has come back, there’s some things in it that I have to speak to Ben about.”


“I thought you’d already gone over his checkbook,” Brian says, turning towards me. I know that he wants to say something to Justin, but he seems to be waiting for Justin’s okay before doing so.


“I did. But apparently, some of his investments were closed out without his knowledge. So we needed to see just where that money had gone. Thankfully, they weren’t linked to his retirement fund or done through the college. Instead, these were some independent investments that were originally done while he was with his ex, Peter.”


“And Ben never thought to check on them?”


“He was keeping track of them up until Peter’s death a few years ago. He’d thought that they had gone to pay whatever debt was left on Peter’s estate since he’d originally acquired them.”


“I take it that’s not the case?”


“No. In fact, they were signed over to Ben in Peter’s will... But Ben didn’t know that.”


“You mean, Michael did?” Justin asks me, with narrowed eyes.


“Yeah, he did. And the investment firm was kind enough to supply a copy of the identification used to collect. Michael had a fake id with his characteristics but Ben’s name on it. The police collected it along with other evidence from the safe in Red Cape Comics. So now I have to tell Ben about it.”


“That’s going to add another level of hurt,” Justin says quietly.


“I know, but…”


“Sunshine…” Brian begins. 


“Brian, I’m…” Justin begins but stops himself. Instead, he draws Gus that much closer.


“I need to get to the office, and you two need to use the flight to California to talk,” I tell them both, then stand up to take ahold of Gus. And placing a kiss on both of their cheeks, I say, “See you guys on Friday, but I’ll keep in touch during the week if there are any other developments. Now wave goodbye to your daddies, Little One.”


Gus squeals as they both buss his cheeks, and we take off down the stairs. All I can hope is that they actually take my advice and clear the air. Because according to what else Harmony said, they had better have their shit together by the time they reach Palm Springs. I take a peek at my watch, counting back three hours. There’s another reason that I have to get to my office, but I couldn’t tell Brian and Justin just what it was. 


Daris was kind enough to call me directly this morning and set up a video feed so that I could be a part of the investigation. As Brian and Justin’s attorney, plus as someone well-acquainted with the defendants, he felt that my input would be invaluable. When he told me of the conversation he had this morning with his mother and Judge Stone, it wasn’t hard to identify the reason for that. He needs my input as not only a defense attorney but also because of my secondary degree in Criminology. Although I have no idea how he’d found out about it since it’s not something I tend to broadcast. 


But I can’t be sorry that he’s asking me to participate and fill in some blanks for him as to Michael’s motives. In fact, the talk with Brian just a few minutes ago has me a little anxious to see if my gut-feelings about them are right. So I’d better motor if I’m going to make it to my office in time enough to see the live video feed that’s going to answer my own questions about what Michael intended. Then I’ll have to explain it all to Brian while supporting Justin, who is bound to have a devil of a time trying to restore Brian Kinney to the asshole that we all know and love. And yes, I’m discovering that I do love Brian.

 

I couldn’t ask for a better friend.

 

 

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