CHAPTER 84: BENEDICTION AND RECONCILIATION OF A DIFFERENT KIND

BRIAN

The ride back to the hotel where we’re staying for a few days was quiet. Almost too quiet. I don’t know if it’s just because Justin is trying to give me the space and opportunity to process all we’ve seen and learned this afternoon, or because he’s trying to keep himself in check. Perhaps it’s a little of both since I can practically feel him vibrating with anger from over here. Somehow, I know within myself that I should be bothered by his silence. I mean, we promised each other that we wouldn’t do that anymore. And yet, right now- in this moment- I’m finding comfort in it. But I know he wants to give voice to all his own thoughts and feelings, so is it selfish of me not to allow him to do that?

We have to meet Daris in the conference room at the precinct tomorrow. After the contents of the room was discovered, and a few other things happened- including an explosion from me- it was decided that the best place to view the video was out of that fucking house. I know that Justin and I have to go back there before we meet up with Thorne and Josiah, but well… We just shouldn’t be there while they have more evidence to collect. It took everything within me, and Justin’s constant support, for me not to destroy the fucking place with my bare hands. 

“Are you hungry?” I ask him, mostly because I need to know that at least that one thing is taken care of for him.

“No.”

“You haven’t eaten since before we boarded the plane to come here,” I point out, not liking the fact that he’s rejecting food, or the monosyllabic tone he rejected it in.

“I’m just not. Okay?” he answers, allowing a little extra bite to enter his voice. Deep down I know it’s not directed at me, but it still hurts a little.

“Okay,” I respond as we pull into the parking lot. 

His eyes are soft when he turns to look at me, confirming that he isn’t angry with me, but for me. I mean, if I’m honest Michael’s words keep playing on loop in my head. And that’s certainly not helping matters. Listening to him name his crimes one-by-one, I could almost pinpoint every tactic he used in order to blame me for him being a manipulative sociopath. I’m trying not to hold myself responsible for any of this, but, with an introduction like the one he gave into the videoed evidence of his crimes… It’s kind of difficult not to, at least a little.

Everything I’ve done, Brian, I’ve done for us; to help you keep your promises to me since you were having trouble doing that because of the intrusive people in our lives. So because you were having trouble living by the pact we made so many years ago, I figured the best way to help you was to get rid of everyone and everything that stood in our way. I’ve always looked out for you in that way, only this time it’s going to be more permanent. I know that you said that my life was often messed up because I never took the initiative to design my life the way I wanted. So let’s just consider all of this my way of doing that.

“Brian…”

“Hm?”

“Stop doing that.”

“I’m not doing anything other than preparing for us to go check in. It’s been a long day.”

“You’re not a good liar, Brian. And you’re too honest a person to try to bullshit me, but more importantly, don’t try to bullshit yourself and trick your mind into thinking this has anything to do with you at all.” Before I have a chance to respond, he’s already out of the car and heading towards the trunk. 

Wordlessly, we enter the hotel, and he waits by the elevator as I check us in. Once we reach the room, I can tell he’s still seething, but he’s calmed somewhat. After placing his bag on the sofa within the suite, he moves over to the huge bay window, which faces the mountains off in the distance and the pool underneath. It’s just reached sunset, and I have to admit that the way the colors play off his skin has me captivated. And once again, I’m reminded of just how beautiful Justin really is.

It’s not just his smile, or the creaminess of his skin, which even now bears the physical proof of my passion for him; the blue of his eyes or the fullness of his pillow-soft lips. It’s not all that blond hair, which he has allowed to grow out giving me something to grip and control when I’m fucking him. It’s that he’s the total package. Intelligence, beauty, attitude, and unwavering loyalty to those he loves, and I’m so grateful to know that I’m at the top of that list. It’s in the strength he doesn’t even know he has, and the way he cloaks me within it. 

It’s the most disconcerting thing about Justin, and yet, where would I be without it, especially now? And sometimes, it manifests itself in the most quiet of ways, like now. As I watch him watching the scenery, I’m reminded of everything he freely gives me without thought or regard to himself. And although I can’t speak these particular thoughts aloud right now, I know just how to show him… I can’t help the small smirk on my lips, even as I snatch up my phone from the coffee table next to the key card I placed there.

“You know, Sunshine, I know we need to talk about everything that’s happened today. But I don’t want to… not right now. It’s not just because there's a lot to take in, but because...”

“I know,” he cuts me off quietly… gently, as if whatever fragility I’m feeling within myself, he feels just as deeply. 

And that’s what’s going to make this idea I have perfect. Yes. Right now we’re in this weird space, but it’s not BECAUSE of us. That’s the fact which is driving me right now. I cross the room over to him, placing my hands lightly on his shoulders. Once he allows himself to lean back into me, I give them a light massage while I lean forward slightly to kiss the top of his head first, and then the shell of his ear.

“It’s been a rough thirty-six hours for us, Sunshine. Why don’t you go on and unwind in the bath,” I suggest.Then as an added inducement, I whisper seductively, “I hear the scenery from the tub is the same as this. Just think, you could be shoulders deep in bubbles,watching the sunset behind the mountains…”

“And what will you be doing?”

“Oh a little of this, a little of that, and preparing to take a whole lot of this.” I nip at his ear, even as I let my hands slide down from his shoulders to palm his cock and grab his ass at the same time. I hear him gasp softly at the contact, and can’t resist teasing him a bit as my fingers find the head of his ever-hardening dick. “I do believe that you like this idea a lot.”

“Mm-hm, but I’d like it even more if you’d join me,” he murmurs, before biting his plump bottom lip. Have I mentioned how fucking beautiful he is?

“No can do, Sunshine. Well, at least not yet.” I pull back slightly from his body, but as per usual, his own gives chase to resume contact. God, he’s always been so responsive, and needy in the best of ways.

“When?”

I try to bring my own body under subjection, even though it wants nothing more than to pounce right now. I shake my head slightly, before responding, “Tell you what… if I’m not in there by the time the sun disappears behind the mountains, come out here and remind me of what I am missing while I take care of these few trivial things.”

“And you promise not to get all broody, and bear-like while I’m soaking wet… and naked in my solitary bath?” He turns quickly and captures my lips, his tongue conjuring up all manner of water sports I could be engaging in with him. 

But I’m determined to make good on this idea. I know it’s what the both of us need more than anything else right now. I plunge my tongue into his mouth once more, before pulling away with effort. “I promise that I won’t grow any excess hair and start beating on my chest. Will that do?”

Justin snickered, and I couldn’t help but smile at the little huff of sound. “Alright, Bri. I’ll go keep the bath warm for you. Don’t be long.” 

I don’t confirm or deny him, as he goes into the luxury bathroom. As soon as I hear the door close and water start running, I get to work making the calls to help me tell Justin what I don’t have the words to say myself within a half an hour. There is one component to this fucked up day that has been so easy to forget. And I don’t want to forget; don’t want either of us to forget that before Michael tried to blow our world apart again, this time with his revelations, Justin and I renewed our commitment to each other at thirty thousand feet in the air. I guess that the saying: Out of tragedy, comes triumph, is true, especially for me and Justin. 

As I continue to hear him hum softly to himself while he’s indulging in the bath, I silently let room service in. I know that technically, I am NOT the poster-child for romance of any kind. I mean, I’ve made it a point never to be one of those eternally-sappy types doing any and everything in an effort to get laid. I’ve never had to. But with Justin… well, somehow all the things I want to say can only be conveyed this way. Perhaps that’s a good thing only because he’ll never have to question his importance to me again.

While we were on the plane, and Sunshine was pouring his soul out to me while I was balls deep within him, I heard two things: that just as he’s mine to protect, I’m HIS, and that he’s through holding back while doing so. Everything he did today demonstrated that very thing; that stalwart assurance that had him standing up to that asshole cop who tried to belittle his knowledge about this entire situation. Some might question what that guy’s deal is, but not Justin. It’s because he already knows since he’s dealt with it before in Hobbs. A gay man unwilling to live his best life is always going to be jealous of the ones who can and do despite what others may think of them.

So it was my pleasure to let Justin do what he does best, which is keep me sane while shining a light on that which assholes like Davies would rather keep hidden. And in the process, he allows me to regain my equilibrium in relative privacy while he does it. So, with that thought in mind, I check my watch and see that it’s almost time for him to emerge from the bath. Then I load the song that puts everything I feel for him into words.

Oh I know we said a lot on the flight, and allowed our bodies to say the rest, but… I want him to hear it again so that he won’t forget it; something that he can play back when he feels that he needs to hear it and I have no words to reassure him at that moment. As I think these thoughts, I check again to make sure that everything is in readiness. I already know that it will be a while before Justin wants to eat, simply because of the amount of anxiety he’s under at this moment. My main objective is to relax him so that he can… to take care of him as he does for me. 

I walk around the room lighting the candles, then shed my own clothing so that when he comes out, it’s clear the way I want us to spend the rest of the night. This isn’t just about sex and being naked, but about transparency in every way that matters. I want to look at the marks I’ve put on him this afternoon, while he sees his on me. It’s a bit primitive, but the marks of his ownership- of mine on him- just adds new meaning to what this night really is for us. To me, it’s just another testament to who we are, and what we do when life tries to knock us off our game. 

Some may not understand us, but they don’t have to. Justin and I know what this is, and that’s all that matters. 

I smile as he emerges from the bathroom, wearing nothing but a towel around his waist, while using another to dry his hair. I’m standing wondering if I’ve ever seen him look more appealing to me. I let my eyes roam over him as he continues to fight with the drops of water which seem to be trying to cling to him for dear life. I can’t say that I blame them. It’s like as soon as he dries one section, the other begins to leak down his chest and back all over again. It’s sexy and totally adorkable at the same time. 

Finally, he just gives up as I knew he would eventually. Justin is a creature of habit, who loves his creature comforts. True, the hotel has a built-in blow dryer, but… well, I’m not in the bathroom. Between the two, there’s no competition of which he deems more important. Which is confirmed with his next word.

“So you were supposed to join me,” he says as he maneuvers the towel to wrap as a turban around his head.

“Yeah, but… well I had another thought in mind.”

At first he looks puzzled but then it’s like he comes alive. The smile on his face alone outshines any candle blazing within this room. And it’s pretty fucking bright considering there has to be about eighty of them burning in here. “What…”

I smiled at him widely then. “First, you have too many clothes on, so lose the towels.”

It’s then that he notices exactly what I’m wearing, which of course is nothing, and raises an eyebrow. “Is there any particular reason we’re going sans clothing this evening, Mr. Taylor-Kinney?”

I move to stand in front of him, reaching out to touch the twin marks on either side of his neck before answering. “Yeah. Regardless of the shit portion of this day, a most important event happened earlier today. I thought we might celebrate it.”

“I thought we already did.”

“Not quite, since we didn’t pick a song and have cake and a reception, even if it’s just for the two of us.”

He smiles shyly at me then. “I don’t mind.”

“I know. But I thought that we could come up with a way to celebrate that honors your love of some very specific traditions, while indulging both of our needs for privacy; a way that only involves the two people in this room.”

It’s then I can see the light of knowledge enter his eyes. He leans in to kiss me, before demanding, “Okay. So what song did you pick?”

I chuckle. He’s like an excited kid on Christmas, with me as his really big gift. Once again, my heart is near to bursting with the idea that he loves me, but more than that, he likes me. From the experience of hearing the words but feeling the contradicting actions most of my life, I can say that having Justin’s love is one of the most precious gifts a person can receive. I shake myself out of my reverie quickly, before I get sidetracked. 

“Well, I suppose it’s a song that kind of tells where we are, and what we want to be to each other.” Suddenly, I’m feeling a little shy about introducing this song to him. I mean, Justin was all of I think five years old when it came out. 

He must see that thought flit across my face because he reaches up to kiss me softly before saying, “I’m sure I’ll love it, Stud. After all, you picked it just for me- for us. And if this is going to be the official song of the WE era of our lives, then what the hell would I have to complain about?”

And with just those few words, my confidence is restored. He really is an amazing man. Before I can even think to have a second thought, I press play on my phone’s music app, and watch as his eyes light up. 

Tonight it's very clear, as we're both lying here,

there's so many things I want to say

I will always love you, I will never leave you alone.

Sometimes I just forget, say things I might regret,

it breaks my heart to see you crying.

I don't want to lose you,

I could never make it alone.

I am a man who would fight for your honor,

I'll be the hero you're dreaming of.

We'll live forever, knowing together

that we did it all for the glory of love.*

I smile questioningly before asking, “You know this song?”

“Hell yeah, I do. And I absolutely LOVE it! Do you have any idea how many times Daphne and I have seen the Karate Kid Part II?”

“Knowing you and your best friend, I’d say about a million?”

“Triple that,” he says, wrinkling his nose cutely, before going on. “But more than the fact that the movie is a classic, we both had a huge crush on Peter Cetera. I think that’s the first time I honestly realized I was attracted to men, even if it was subconsciously at first. Sure he’s a good looking guy, although it took me a while to notice that he had a bad boy streak in him…”

“How do you figure?”

“Well, I always thought he had a gold post earring in his left ear. Where I come from it’s considered the hallmark of a bad boy streak.”

I laugh, as I bring his body flush against mine. “So do you still have your crush on Peter Cetera?”

“I suppose so, since his voice just does something to me. I could listen to him sing ‘Glory of Love’ for hours, and never get tired of it. I mean that tenor… But anyway, I think it’s taken on an entirely different meaning now.”

“More personal,” I concur, and he nods.

You keep me standing tall, you help me through it all,

I'm always strong when you're beside me.

I have always needed you,

I could never make it alone.

I am a man who would fight for your honor,

I'll be the hero you're dreaming of.

We'll live forever, knowing together

that we did it all for the glory of love.*

Before leaning in even closer, Justin places his head on my shoulder, nearest to the crook of my neck. I can tell what he’s thinking, even before he says,  “More life experience; more conviction about the man I want to be for you since you are already my dream man from the song come to life.”

Just like a knight in shining armor,

from a long time ago.

Just in time I will save the day,

take you to my castle far away.

I am a man who would fight for your honor,

I'll be the hero you've been dreaming of.

We're gonna live forever, knowing together

that we did it all for the glory of love.*

God, the things he says… It’s amazing that I never have to question the sincerity of his words. There’s a peculiar, yet wonderful freedom in that. Clearing my throat, I say into his ear, “Me too, Sunshine.”

We'll live forever, knowing together

that we did it all for the glory of love.*

 I let the song continue to play on repeat as he makes love to me. At first, it was just by way of us dancing. I remembered Justin telling me that he always knew I loved him, because I made love to him everyday. It took me a while to really understand that sentiment. I mean, when you spend over half your life fucking, but never allowing someone close to you, you kinda get the difference between sex and intimacy confused. It gets completely lost in translation. 

It was when I kept giving him the sex, but still withholding myself from him that we ran into trouble. But now, with him in my arms I don’t have the reservations I had back then. Making love to him, by Justin’s definition, is in the simple things like making sure he eats; the small touches that keep us connected by it in the way we are now, or a look passed over a conference room table; it’s in the way we tend to join pinkies instead of hands when we’re walking down the street. He continues to teach me so much about life and the true meaning of partnership that sometimes it’s hard to keep up. But as I continue to lose myself in him and the lyrics that embody everything Justin and I mean to each other at this moment- what we will grow into the longer we’re together- I can honestly say that I’m looking forward to the life lessons. 

As Justin lays us on the bed, I know that he’s going to take his time showing me the landscape. Earlier today, sex was all hot, hard, and heavy with emotions. But tonight, although the emotions are still there and if I have my way they will only grow deeper, it’s more about connection and refortification. As Justin settles on top of me, kissing and licking every erogenous zone I have while discovering new ones along the way, I know that this is the one time, I’m really going to have to push for what I’ve wanted for a long time now.

“Justin… Sunshine, please.”

“I’m getting there. I just don’t want to rush this, Brian. We’ve both waited too long for it.”

He doesn’t need to tell me what he means, because I already know. It’s this feeling of completeness. It’s knowing that you’ve finally claimed the most perfectly imperfect person who makes your world stop and spin all at the same time. It’s about celebrating, not just the moment, but the drive and determination to hold on to each other with every fucking thing we’ve got and the world be damned. So it makes what I want to say to him that much easier. 

“Sunshine,” I gasp out as he finds a particularly sensitive place on the inside of my thigh that I never really paid any attention to before. That’s another thing about Justin… he makes you pay attention! I almost want to laugh aloud at the thought as he continues his ministrations, but right now, I’m a man on a mission. “Sunshine, stop for a moment.”

He does what I ask with a questioning look. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” I say. He has a skeptical and wary look in his eye, so I continue. “Everything is pretty perfect… except one thing.”

“Which is?” he asks, and I motion him to resume his place on top of me so that we can see each other eye-to-eye.

I swallow hard, determined not to get lost in those darkened pools of blue. God, he’s mesmerizing, especially when he’s being careful even though all he wants to do is go feral and fuck the shit out of me. I clear my throat again before speaking. “Condoms?”

“Condoms?” Justin repeats, confusion and amusement evident in his voice. “This is a problem, why? I mean I’m pretty sure the five I took out should suffice for at least an hour or two.”

“Sarcastic little shit,” I mutter before drawing him even closer to me. “What I’m trying to say is that I don’t want to use them anymore, Justin. We’re not open anymore. In fact, we’ve closed ranks quite a while back, even though we always said that we would keep the safety net in case one of us should slip up…”

“I know.”

“Well, now I want the fucking door locked officially, Sunshine.” The surprise in his eyes is almost disconcerting even though it’s what I’ve been telling him that I’ve wanted this last step in monogamy for months. But I know that he’s still hesitant, but why was never really discussed. So I throw in the one word he knows will tell him that I’m absolutely fucking serious about this. “Please, Sunshine.”

And just as suspected, Justin’s gasp could be heard even over the music playing from the phone on the side table by the bed. “And you’re sure?” he asks, as he finally finds his voice.

I chuckle, and then smile a bit. “I said please.”

Apparently, that was all the confirmation that Justin needed, because then everything while still slow and sexy, the body above me somehow began to vibrate with anticipation. Again, Sunshine took his time in preparing me, but this time there was an added bonus for both of us. It was in knowing that this was it. There was no going back to the beginning anymore. We just reached that place of complete and total surrender, and yet personally, I’ve never felt more powerful. 

It’s how I know that this particular decision between Justin and I is definitely the right one, which is happening at the absolute right time. Not because of the idiocy he and I have yet to finish regarding Michael, but because no there is no more questioning. I have a feeling that last night’s catalyst is what Justin had been waiting for to happen, but I broke that theory of predictability. I did the one thing he never expected me to do; I chased him. And this morning when he ran, I caught him again.

I move to turn over so that Justin can have full access to my ass, but he stays me. “No. I want to look at you as I take you this way for the first time.”

Ordinarily I would protest, but what he says has merit. It seems that he and I are having a lot of firsts today. This is the one that will count the most though, so I don’t hesitate in helping him to prepare me. The first thing he does is grab the extra pillows from the sofabed that there is no way in hell we’ll be using during our stay here. He’s back to me before I can even utter a protest that my body missed his warmth. Although Justin still takes his time with me, this time he starts to get me ready in earnest. I mean, I can barely contain my impatience to move this along now that the moment where our condom free existence will begin. It’s a place that I never in a million years thought that I would even want to go, but with him… yeah, and I’d do it all over again too.

“You ready?” he asks, as he once again hovers over me. “No second thoughts?”

I smile in response. “Not one.”

He presses his lips to mine again as he fits himself between my legs. Without being told, I settle both of them around his narrow waist. Justin doesn’t miss a beat at all, and begins to lube us both up. I can feel the slight tremble beneath his skin, so I run a soothing hand down his spine. I can feel the second that the tension begins to leave his body. 

He exhales a sigh before palming his cock a few times and positioning himself to pop my cherry so to speak. I can't resist the small chuckle that escapes me at the thought. When he lifts his head and asks me what’s so funny, I tell him knowing that he’ll also see the humor in the thought. And as he chuckles I knew I was right to tell him as I watch the last vestiges of nervousness flee from him. Justin leans in again and kisses me, while simultaneously breaching the first ring of muscle, before continuing his foray into my ass.

It feels different in both weird and wonderful ways. First, there’s the fact that I can feel every vein and ridge on his cock as he continues to stretch me. I’ve bottomed for Justin before, of course, but feels completely different right now. Every sensation that the condoms have dulled before has now become hotter, and sharper. And as he reaches bottom and stills for a bit, I can see that the same things I’ve been feeling are mirrored within his own eyes.

The shock and wonder at literally being all the way committed is doing something to both of us, way beyond the mere physical. As he starts to rock into me, and I move to meet him, his eyes haven’t left mine. It’s like we’re seeing each other for the first time all over again. I know it sounds kinda weird, but… Well there it is.

Justin's movements increase exponentially, even as he changes the angle that’s sure to wipe any coherent thoughts out of my head for a while. As he drives into me, it’s all I can do to hold on for the ride while giving as good as I’m getting. 

“Fuck!” Justin mutters, as he buries his face into the side of my neck. “I don’t want to stop, but I’m close, Bri.”

“Then do what needs to be done,” I say, not acknowledging just how fucking close I’m getting to the edge as well. I figure that even with this much vulnerability, there should at least be a surprise or two. 

But Justin isn’t buying one fucking word of what I said, as evidenced by the slight smile I feel against my skin. “You really are a shitty liar, you know?” he asks rhetorically, then moans as I grip his cock tighter within me. He notices the shift right away, and lifts his head to look me in my eyes. “Not close my ass, Bri. And aren’t you lucky that I know exactly what brought on that violent squeeze to my dick.” 

Instead of waiting for me to respond to him, he goes straight for the bundle of nerves, causing a series of involuntary contractions to ripple through me. DAMN! He was always a little fuck machine, but I have a feeling that I just unleashed a beast. Justin pushes up from me once more, this time sitting back on this haunches, but gaining a sure grip on my shoulders which he is determined to use as leverage in driving me fucking nuts. It’s working because, even without palming my dick, I already feel the eruption about to happen. 

“Cum, Brian. I won’t until you do!” Sunshine orders in such a growly tone that it sends another round of shivers right through me. 

Fuck! is all I can think as I realize that there’s no way to stop the orgasm barreling down on me. I suppose the good thing about condoms was that it dulled some of the sensations so that you could at least feel like you had some kind of control over the point of no return. But raw… no such fucking luck. Oh well, though. It just means that I’ll have to indulge in a little orgasm denial with Sunshine to recondition our stamina.

And with that last thought, the wave of pleasure crashes over me, thereby triggering Justin’s own release. The feeling of his essence flooding me is something that is completely indescribable! But all I can think is the word ‘Whole’, which is just what I feel right now. And as we both come down from this euphoric high- the high of knowing that no matter what, this is where he and I finally became WE- I know that the both of us are going to fight everyone and everything to keep this feeling we have right now. I know that Justin is having the same thought even though he hasn’t said anything.

It’s in the fact that he’s pressing himself even more firmly onto me, as if he’s literally trying to crawl inside of me and stay there. Newsflash: he’s already in there, right in the heart that very few ever suspected I had.

“I love you, Brian,” he whispers against my chest amid the sweat and… is that tears, I feel? 

Reaching down so that I can shift his head a bit to look up at me, I realize that they were when our eyes connected. But they aren’t tears of sadness, but at the relief of finding home, which is what we both have within each other. And suddenly, I feel like I could shed a tear or two myself, but I’ll just settle for saying, “Good! Because I love you too, Sunshine.”

And there’s that smile again, which is brighter than all the lights of New York City. Yeah, this is definitely forever… and I’m more than okay with that. So yeah, tomorrow we’ll go deal with the rest of this investigation and then it’s onto bigger and better things. We’ve got Google and Thorne Industries to worry about. So any plans that Michael and the rest of them had for us can FUCK OFF.

Damn, it felt good to yell that mentally, even as I feel Justin still lying on top of me, humming the chorus to OUR song: 

I am the man who will fight for your honor. I’ll be the hero you’re dreaming of. We’re gonna live forever, knowing together that we did it all for the glory of love.

***Peter Cetera - Glory of Love