Chapter 12

After Emmett had left the night before, Justin had spent a long time thinking about what his friend had said and the more he had thought about it, the more he had known that Emmett had been right. He needed to find a way to deal with Brian, his mom and Debbie and everyone else involved in this mess. They were important people in his son's life and Luke would pick up on any tension between them and Justin didn't want that. He didn't want a childhood filled with tension and people that didn't get on for his young boy. He only wanted the best for him which included happiness and lots of love and laughter.

And Justin wasn't fooling himself, he had no doubt that Brian, his mom and Deb loved Luke. That had never been in question from his side. He had pretty much been raised by Deb and Brian after his father had kicked him out as a teenager and before his mom had come around and had kicked Craig to the curb and if there was something he was absolutely sure about, it was that they loved boundlessly. He had to chuckle as he imagined Brian hearing that about himself. Brian would refuse every word. He didn't love, love was for lesbians, but Justin knew better. He had been with Brian on the night Gus had been born and had seen right there and then that there was nothing Brian Kinney wouldn't do for his son.

Justin had sat in his dark studio for hours thinking about all the hurt and pain these last weeks had brought, how much the betrayal of the people he had considered his family had hurt him and the whole time he had asked himself one question over and over again: Was his pain and hurt worth years and years of possible unhappiness in his son's life? Was that pain any reason to keep Luke from having the happiest childhood he could have? The one person who was absolutely innocent in this whole mess and from the beginning the resounding answer had been: NO! Nothing was worth bringing pain into his son's life and as a parent it was his duty to ensure his son's happiness.

For a short while after thinking that he could have done better in recent weeks and could have done more for Luke's happiness, Justin had felt really, really bad and guilty. He had even started to compare himself to his own father. After all his own father had put his own feelings above the feelings of his son as well, hadn't he? And hadn't that been exactly what Justin had been doing as well? Acting hurt and betrayed because he had considered his own feelings to be more important than his son's? Comparing himself to Craig had made Justin drink two shots of Beam. Yes, he had learned from the best. In all ways possible, including pain management techniques. As he had been about to pour himself a third shot, he had looked at the bottle and had stopped what he had been doing. Brian's pain management techniques had never helped anyone and had never solved any problems. If you wanted to deal with pain, you needed to face it head on and work past it. You had to face the issue, work through whatever emotions it had brought to light and then move on. That was how you dealt with pain and that was how Justin had always dealt with things. Drinking away his pain wasn't like him. That was Brian's way to do things. If there had been a problem, he had dealt with it head on, not shying away from any possible confrontation. Why should this be different?

By the time Justin had finally made it to bed, he had resigned himself to what he had to do. He had known that he would need to talk with Brian sooner or later and the sooner it would happen, the better it would be for their son. It might be an uncomfortable talk, but it was a talk they needed to have. There were no two ways about it, of that Justin had been sure.

Now here he was sitting in Brian's office, waiting for Brian to get Gus into bed, so they could talk. Usually Justin had left after dinner, but earlier that night he had taken Brian aside and had asked him for a private talk after the boys were in bed. When Brian had only raised an eyebrow in question, Justin had told him that there was something he needed to talk to him about and that he had no intention of disrupting Brian's evening rituals with the boys. He would just say goodbye to both boys as usual and would then disappear into his car to wait until Brian was alone. When Brian's eyebrow had only risen higher in question at that, Justin had explained to him that he was worried of Luke not going to bed at all if he knew that Justin was staying longer than normal. In the end Brian had to reluctantly agree and just nodded. In his typical Kinney fashion he had just muttered a quick 'Wait in the office instead' and had then left the kitchen without a further glance in Justin's direction.

Justin had been waiting for two hours now, but he was far from being bored. He had his sketchpad and was busily sketching the events of the day. He knew that it would take time to get two boys ready for bed and to sleep and he was also aware that Gus probably stayed up quite a bit longer than Luke would. He had just finished a sketch of Luke working on a card for a sick classmate of his, his pen in his mouth, his face in deep concentration as he had been thinking about what the card should look like. He had been beyond cute in that moment and Justin had just known that he needed to draw that and keep that moment for posterity. He was just wondering what he should sketch next, when he heard the door to the office open. When he looked up, he saw Brian enter, two bottles of water in hand.

Brian handed one to Justin, before he sat down on the other end of the sofa from him. He had insisted that his office didn't only need a desk and a nice chair and some cupboards and cabinets for files, but also a sofa. He had one in his office at Kinnetik and he had always used his sofa at the loft quite a lot as well. Lying down and just clearing his head for a bit had always helped him get fresh ideas and slogans. Though if he was honest with himself, he had used this sofa more often than not to catch a quick nap while Luke had been an infant and had been napping himself. And now here he was sitting with Justin of all people and Justin wanted to talk to him. If only he knew what about. God, he hated being in the dark and not being prepared for whatever was to come.

Brian couldn't help but notice the open sketchpad on Justin's thighs as he handed over the bottle of water and a gentle smile graced his lips as he saw a perfect sketch of their son looking up at him. If he was honest with himself, Brian wasn't really surprised that Justin had been drawing Luke. Justin had always drawn the people he loved most and there had been many, many sketches of Gus and himself back in the day. Though he was quite sure that Justin wouldn't be drawing him any time soon.

“That's marvelous,” Brian said quietly, nodding towards the sketch.

“Thanks,” Justin just replied, before taking a sip from his bottle. He then turned to Brian with serious eyes. “I need to ask you something, Brian,” was all he said.

“You can ask, but I can't promise that I will answer,” Brian replied and Justin couldn't help but notice that much of the snark he had expected to come along with that statement was missing.

“Fair enough.” Justin took a deep breath, then rushed out what he needed to know. “Why did you tell Lindsay that you didn't want me to see Gus anymore?”

Brian stayed quiet for the longest time and Justin was already half expecting not to get an answer, when he saw a familiar play of emotions start on Brian's face. At first there was shock, then something resembling understanding and in the end all Justin could see on Brian's face was anger. He wondered if Brian was angry at him for asking that question and would now yell at him and was slightly surprised when Brian's reply was calm and collected.

“Is that what she told you?” Brian just asked. That was all. No explanation, nothing.

“Not in so many words, but the meaning was clear.”

“What exactly did she say?”

Justin frowned and wondered what Lindsay's exact words had to do with anything. It wasn't like her exact words would give Justin an answer to his question, which was what he also told Brian.

Brian's voice was deathly calm and he just repeated his earlier question. “What exactly did she say?”

It was as if he hadn't even heard Justin's comment or didn't care about it, but something in the deathly calm voice he spoke with made Justin answer anyway. “She said that my visits with Gus were causing trouble with you and were becoming increasingly awkward for them as a family. Why?”

“And you believed her?”

“Back then, yes,” Justin fidgeted, once more overtaken by a feeling of doubt that maybe he had been in the wrong to trust Lindsay and her words. “I had no reason not to believe her.”

“What about now?” When Justin just frowned, Brian elaborated. “You said 'Back then, yes'. What about now?”

Justin sighed, fidgeting some more. “I don't know. It doesn't really make sense to me. Which is why I am asking you. I need to know why you would say something like that to her.”

“Well, I didn't,” Brian just replied matter of factly.

“Y-you didn't?” Justin couldn't help but stare.

“Why would I? Why would I forbid you from seeing Gus, knowing what an important part of his life you had been from day one? Damn, you had spent more time with him than I did during his first years.”

“Shit,” Justin just exclaimed, now feeling ashamed of himself for falling for Lindsay's bullshit. “Why would she say that if you hadn't mentioned anything?” Justin went on after several minutes of silence between them.

“When was this?” Brian asked, looking as if he was trying to find a missing piece to a puzzle.

“Four and a half years ago, a year after...,” Justin didn't know how to continue.

“After I ended things,” Brian ended for him, having no such problems. “Why would I suddenly start having a problem with your visits to Gus after a year? Don't you think I would have minded from the beginning, if I had minded?”

“I guess.”

“That lying bitch,” Brian suddenly muttered angrily and got up from the sofa, pacing the length of his office. “I can't believe that she would do this to Gus, she knew... she fucking knew... God, I hate her so much...”

Justin just watched him quietly, not quite sure what was happening. Why was Brian calling Lindsay names? They had been friends ever since college. She and Michael had been Brian's oldest friends as far as Justin was aware of. Then again, Justin knew that Gus now lived with Brian. Ted had mentioned a nasty custody battle. He wondered what had happened between Brian and Lindsay to make them fall apart like that. Because he was absolutely sure that they had fallen apart. The contempt he heard in Brian's voice was nothing Brian would have in his voice if he was just angry with her for the moment. This was something deep-rooted and for some reason Justin had a feeling it had something to do with the custody battle.

“Why is Gus living with you now?” Justin quietly ventured to ask after he allowed Brian to rant for some more minutes.

“I have custody,” Brian shrugged as if that would answer Justin's question.

“Ted said there was a nasty custody battle. Why? What happened?” Justin would be damned if he would let Brian get away with his non-answer.

“It doesn't matter.”

Justin angrily got up from the sofa now, too and walked over to where Brian was standing, pushing his forefinger into Brian's chest. “Don't you dare do this to me again! You have cut me off for five years and I won't allow you to do it again. I am not some stupid little fag anymore that is too scared of you to push for answers. So answer my god-damn question: What happened?”

“It doesn't concern you,” Brian snarked before he moved away and moved around his desk, flopping down in his large designer desk chair.

“The hell it doesn't! My son is living in this house too and Lindsay's lie affected my relationship with Gus, who still doesn't trust me further than he can throw me. This concerns me, whether you like it or not. After years of being left in the dark, I deserve some answers, don't I? Isn't that the least you can give me? Some fucking answers to my questions? Or am I not even worth that much to you?” Justin glared angrily at Brian's form in the chair.

Brian glared back for several minutes, before he relented. After a long sigh, he just said. “Fine. You want answers? Here they are: Lindsay is a cunning bitch who with the help of her trusted lackey Michael Novotny tried to take Luke away from me. Because you know, I am not fit to raise a child, I never wanted a child to begin with, I had just been trapped by you with a child and all that fucking bullshit she and Mikey just loved to sprout. Well, one day they sprouted it to the wrong person and I had child protective services at my door, investigating whether or not I was a fit parent. When child protective services couldn't find anything amiss, Lindsay tried a different route to get Luke out of my life,” at Justin's confused frown, Brian further elaborated. “Kidnapping.”

Brian saw more than heard Justin's shocked gasp and just continued. He wasn't sure if he could go on telling the story of the worst hours of his life if he didn't get it out in one rush right then. “She came by one afternoon and offered to watch him for a few hours, so I could go out and hang out with Michael like we used to. Michael and I had been arguing for quite some time, but I figured: Why not? Maybe a meeting without a baby, just me and him would help us straighten some things out. So I agreed and hung out with Michael. Well, lets say we didn't quite see eye to eye and I left earlier than Lindsay had expected. I came back in time to find her putting Luke in her car, his favourite toys and some clothes in a carry-on bag she was just putting in the car, too. When I asked her what she was doing and where she was taking Luke, she told me she would take him back to Toronto with her, which was where he belonged. With Gus, his brother, in a loving, nurturing home that Mel and her could provide for him. When I asked her to hand Luke to me, she refused, got in the car and drove away. Of course I followed her and confronted her at the airport. She had purchased a ticket for herself and Luke and had even gotten him a passport with the name Luke Peterson-Kinney. When I confronted her at the airport, we must have caused quite a scene and police was called. In the end we were both taken in and Ted had to come by with Luke's birth certificate to prove he was my son. Of course Lindsay hadn't been working on her own and Michael showed up, claiming that she was the mother and I had taken away her child and had forged his birth certificate and that her child belonged to her. As it was word against word, we needed a DNA test to prove that I was really Luke's father and she was no physical relation to him. You can imagine that I came after her with everything I had after that,” Brian sighed as he finished.

Justin's hand had flown to his mouth several times during Brian's story and as crazy as it sounded, he didn't doubt its truth for one second. Brian wouldn't lie to him and had no reason not to tell him the truth and Justin could see the pain on Brian's face that just telling him had caused.

“But...why? Why would she do that? And Michael? Why would he help her?” Justin was still too shell-shocked to get out more than that.

Brian shrugged. “I wasn't playing into her fantasies of a happy family by keeping Luke here with me. Since I wouldn't ever father another child for her, she knew that Luke was the only way for her to get a second Kinney baby. And what better to keep her in the lap of luxury than me paying for all her needs because she was raising my sons? Well, she didn't count on me being a father and loving my sons and not seeing her as anything but a friend and definitely not Luke's mother, my wife or whatever other fantasy ran through her crazy mind and that's when she got desperate... As for Michael,” Brian sighed. “You can imagine how well he reacted to me being pregnant. With your child.”

Despite the serious topic of their conversation Justin couldn't help but chuckle. “He must have loved that. The mighty stud of Liberty Avenue carrying the twink's child.”

“Yeah, kinda like that,” Brian sighed. “Add some ideas of me being trapped by you and me not being able to live my life the way I wanted to because of your spawn of evil and you get why he wanted to have Luke far away in Canada.”

“That is fucked up,” Justin just muttered. “Totally crazy!”

“Welcome to my life with those two.”

“And now?”

“What now?”

“What is your relationship with them now?” Justin asked.

Brian looked at him as if he had grown a second head. “Relationship? With those two? Are you crazy? After what they did?”

“You're not in contact with them anymore?”

“After what they did? No way! They tried to kidnap my child. They can rot in their prison cells for all I care and if they ever make it out, I have a restraining order against both of them and both should know better than to contact me or the boys in any way,” Brian spat.

“Prison?” Justin asked wide-eyed.

“She tried to kidnap a minor across state lines and Michael was her accessory. Of course they are in prison,” Brian spat angrily.

Justin just nodded at that. “Good.”

“Good?”

“Well, I wouldn't want them around my son,” Justin explained. “So I am glad that's taken care of.”

There was once more a silence between them as each man tried to come to terms with what they had told or heard that evening. After what seemed like forever, Justin was the one to first break the silence. “So...why did she lie to me? Why would she do that?”

“Because she never cared about what was best for Gus, but what was best for her,” Brian angrily retorted.

Justin raised an eyebrow in confusion. “What?”

“If she had cared about Gus in any of her plans, she wouldn't have told you that and would have let you continue visiting him. It's what would have been best for Gus, to continue having a relationship with you, but instead she did what was best for her by pushing you as far away from any of us as she could. Just imagine Gus had let it slip that he now had a small baby brother. Or you would have seen a baby at her place that had your eyes, your blond hair and your smile. Where would have been her future of raising a second Kinney baby if you were back in the picture?”

Justin contemplated Brian's words and had to agree that they made sense. This had probably been Lindsay's way to get him out of the picture once and for all. He hadn't been talking to Brian and if he also stopped talking to Gus and her, there was no way for him to find out about his son. After all Lindsay had to already have known that Debbie and his mom had been in on it from the beginning. Just as Justin contemplated this some more, something else caught his attention.

“What... what if Gus had mentioned something to me?” He suddenly asked. “Weren't you scared he would?”

Brian just lowered his gaze. “Not really...”

“Why not? I could have found out and... damn,” Justin exploded then, angrily staring at Brian. “You wanted him to tell me. You fucking asshole wanted him to do it, so you didn't have to. As you didn't have the balls to face me.”

“That's never been it,” Brian took a deep breath before he continued. “I told you I wanted you to have a shot at your career and I only did what I thought was best for you.” Brian ignored Justin's incredulous snort and continued. “However, if Gus had mentioned Luke to you and you had shown up... well, I guess I would have dealt with it then.”

“And then I disappeared from Gus' life and you didn't have to worry about that anymore. Everything worked out just peachy for you, huh?”

“I...I just figured that you were tired of being reminded of me every time you spent time with Gus and that was why you disappeared from his life. Trying to make a clean cut so you could move on.”

“The fuck I could,” Justin grumbled as he flopped back onto the sofa, exhausted from their conversation. Justin ran a hand through his hair, feeling utterly frustrated. “When did we stop getting each other?” he suddenly asked, making Brian frown.

“What?”

“When did we stop getting each other? I mean... you always got me. You always knew what I felt before I felt it. Damn, after the bashing, with Ethan, about Rage and Hollywood. You always knew my feelings better than I did and I... I understood you and knew you. Damn, I had pretty much written the damn Kinney operating manual. Wh-when did that stop? When did we go so wrong?”

“Justin,” Brian started, but was interrupted by Justin's rush of words.

“I mean... we were supposed to get married. How did we go from that to this? How did we go from planning a wedding to not talking at all for five years and you keeping my son from me because you thought I needed a goddamn career?” Justin exclaimed.

“You thought so, too, Justin,” Brian quietly pointed out. “We agreed. That's why we called off the wedding.”

“No, you agreed. You wanted this goddamn career for me. I have never cared. I have never wanted it and I have never needed it. You have!”

“Then why did you agree to go? Why did you move to New York? If you cared so little, why did you care enough about your career to cancel the wedding?” Brian asked, refusing to take all the blame. Justin had wanted a career. Justin had wanted to move to New York. He couldn't blame that on Brian. Yes, Brian knew what he had done wrong, but the career had not been his idea.

“Because you pushed me away.”

“I did no such thing.”

Justin felt his anger dissipate when he realised that Brian probably really believed that. His voice took on a gentler note when he continued speaking. “You didn't even notice, did you? The closer we got to the wedding, the less you were you. You stopped being you and changed into someone I didn't know and couldn't marry.”

“I was trying to please you. Be who you wanted me to be.”

“I have only ever wanted you to be you,” Justin calmly replied. “Nothing more, nothing less.”

“Me? The me you left twice because you couldn't stand me? The me you ran away from twice because you couldn't stand to be around?” Brian spat.

“Yes, that you. Because that's who you are and I was too foolish to understand that at the time. You are the wild tiger, but... in the days leading up to the wedding you became a house kitten. And I only realised then that I didn't want a house kitten when I had fallen in love with the tiger. I...,” Justin struggled to find the right words. “I wanted you, I loved you, not some god-awful imitation of who you used to be.”

“Then why did you go to New York? Why did you go for a career you insist you have never cared about,” Brian asked and for the first time Justin felt like he could feel something like pain inside of Brian as well. He was glad, because pain meant that Brian cared and was struggling with their past and how they had ended as well. It wasn't just him.

“To give you the space you needed to find yourself. You weren't ready for a commitment like that. You thought you had to change into something you weren't to please me and at the same time I realised that you would never be truly happy with me unless I had a career to equal yours.”

“That's bullshit,” Brian snapped, staring at Justin from angry eyes.

“Is it, Brian? Because how many times have you told me that you don't believe in birthdays or holidays or whatever, but you only believe in achievements? And what achievements did I have to show for myself? I hadn't even finished PIFA, had been kicked out in fact. That would have made for quite some dinner conversation if you had introduced me to your business partners as your husband: Oh, by the way, this is my husband. 'What does he do, Brian?' 'Oh, nothing much. He dabbles a bit in painting, but other than that, he lives off my hard earned money. It's why people call him my twink and boytoy even now,” Justin mimicked the imaginary conversation. “That would have been embarrassing and you don't do embarrassing. Didn't it use to make your dick soft?”

“I have never thought of you like that,” Brian just replied quietly and Justin didn't know why, but he felt like he heard the sincerity in Brian's words and could trust them.

“But I felt like that. How else was I supposed to feel with you constantly telling me that achievements are all that matters?” Justin asked, not looking up from his hands in his lap. “I felt so inadequate at your side. You were the successful businessman and I hadn't even finished school. I knew you would never be proud of me unless I did what you wanted me to do and went to New York to work on that career. You want to know why I went and worked on a career I had no interest in for five years? To make you fucking proud.” Justin hadn't noticed the angry tears that had started escaping his pained eyes during his tirade. He angrily dabbed them away and flinched when he felt Brian's hand on his cheek, wiping his tears away.

“Damn, Justin. Why didn't you tell me? I have never meant to make you feel that way. I was fucking proud of you day in and out. Damn, after everything you had been through, how could I not be? You lost the ability to draw and fought so hard to get it back. You had a successful comic book released by the age of 19, by the age of 21 you had been to Hollywood and had worked on a major movie production. Damn, how could I have not been proud of any of those achievements?”

“Then why did you insist on me going to New York?” Justin sobbed.

“Because I thought it was what you needed. I thought it was also what you wanted to do, that you were too young to settle for a life in the Pitts. I-I thought you would come to resent me at some point if I were the reason for you not following your career and... I knew you would have a great career. Damn, you've got more talent in your small finger than my whole art department,” Brian whispered.

“I am not you and never was,” Justin angrily spat, pushing Brian away. At Brian's confused expression, Justin explained his comment further. “I could have never resented you. Damn, I wanted a life with you from the day I had met you. How could I ever resent you for making my biggest dream a reality? But of course you couldn't look past your own nose. Because you would have resented me if our roles had been reversed. Because you only believed in achievements and a big career and money and symbols to show how wealthy and successful you are. And I get it, after how you grew up, it makes sense that you would need to validate yourself that way, but... I am not you and never was, Brian. I never grew up like you. Believe it or not, until I came out, I grew up happily. I had a family that loved me, we had money, we travelled, we went on trips together. I had everything a child needed and... I guess I never felt the need to validate myself the way you felt you had to, because I was never lacking anything when I grew up, but... when my parents threw me out... I realised that all the money in the world can't bring you happiness. It can make you appear happy on the outside, but it can never make you happy and I knew that the only way for me to be happy was to be with you. And for me that happiness was all I needed. Do you know when I was happiest with you? When you had nothing... When you had to sell everything to pay for the Stockwell videos.”

At Brian's confused frown, Justin continued. “Because then it was just you and me. No status symbols to pretend, no money, nothing. It was just you and me and we were responsible for our own happiness. And while I was happy as can be, you hated every second and couldn't wait to get your money back. But money never mattered to me, it only ever mattered to you. I only ever cared about a future with you and... a family was my biggest dream. Happiness with you and our family... I have dreamed of that since I was seventeen and you took that away, Brian. You took that away because you couldn't accept that I am not like you,” Justin ended angrily.

Brian had listened in silence to all that Justin had said and he wondered if Justin was right. Was this really his doing? Had he pushed Justin to New York because Justin had felt like he needed to do that for Brian? To please Brian and to make him proud? And had Brian really been so blind to Justin's feelings that he had believed that Justin wanted a career instead of a future with him? And their son? Damn... the more Brian thought about it, the more he realised how much he had really fucked up. And all because he had gone by his own experiences and his own expectations of life, but Justin was right: Justin had never been like Brian. Justin had always been more mature, more grown up and more controlled by his emotions than Brian had ever been. Everything Justin had said made sense to him and Brian just wondered why he had never contemplated another point of view but his own in all these years.

Damn, he had fucked up and worse than he had thought. He hadn't done Justin any favours by leaving him in New York on his own while he had had his son and had raised him. He had probably taken Justin's biggest dream from him without giving Justin's feelings a second thought. What kind of asshole did that make him?