Chapter 13

“Fuck, Justin,” Brian whispered as tears started to run from his own eyes as well. “I... I am so sorry.”

“S-sorry is bullshit,” Justin muttered angrily in reply.

Brian shook his head. “No, no it's not. Not when you really mean it and... when the other person needs to hear it. God, I-I have never really considered any of what you have just said and you're right, I have never considered your feelings and just went by what my idea for your life has been and... God, it's probably the most fucked up thing I've ever done in my life,” Brian gasped as the truth of that statement hit him. How Justin could still be around him, he couldn't understand and it made no sense to him. However as he looked at Justin's tear-strained face a guilt overcame him like he had never felt before. He couldn't stand looking at his broken ex-fiance one second longer and just got up and practically ran from the room.

“Brian?” Justin's eyes followed Brian out of the room and down the hallway. “Fuck, fuck, fuck,” Justin angrily spat as he repeatedly hit the sofa with his right fist.

He waited in silence for Brian's return for several minutes, but when he didn't hear anything announcing such a return, he slowly but surely accepted that Brian wouldn't return to finish their conversation. Damn, where had he disappeared off to? Justin wondered, before he got up and went in search of his lost conversation partner.

“Brian?” Justin called out as he made his way through the hallway to the kitchen and then from there to the living-room and the media room. He didn't see Brian anywhere. When he was sure that Brian wouldn't be on the ground floor, he went up to the second floor to look for him there.

“Brian?” He called out once more, this time more quietly as not to wake Luke and Gus, who were both sleeping. After checking all the upstairs rooms and checking that Gus and Luke were both still far away in their dreams in dreamland, he made his way back downstairs. Where could Brian have gone? He hadn't heard a car, so he was sure Brian hadn't left Britin. And he was also pretty sure that Brian wouldn't do something like that, not with Luke and Gus at the house. Brian was more responsible than that. Which only left the patio and the grounds to look for Brian.

Justin made his way to the living-room and was relieved when he saw the open patio door. Brian had come through here on his flight from the office. Justin went outside as well and looked around at what he could see of the garden. He was just about to turn around and go back inside, when a small light to his left caught his attention. As he moved closer, he started to recognise Brian's shuddering form sitting at one of the deck chairs next to the pool, a cigarette in hand.

A flood of relief went through Justin as he slowly moved over to where Brian was sitting. He didn't say anything and just wordlessly held out his hand to Brian, who just as wordlessly handed him the cigarette, knowing that that was what Justin had requested with that gesture. Justin took a long drag from the cigarette, before he gently exhaled and handed it back to Brian.

“Didn't you quit?” Justin asked the older man quietly.

“Started again,” was all Brian offered in reply.

“You shouldn't have. Not on my behalf.”

“Don't flatter yourself. You know I never do anything I don't want to do,” Brian snapped.

“Boy, don't I know that,” Justin agreed readily. “Guilt makes my dick soft,” he announced next after what felt like an eternity of silence between them during which they had shared three more cigarettes.

Justin was relieved when he heard a snort from Brian.

“It does,” he confirmed. “I can't stand it.”

“Well, good for you,” Brian offered.

“And most of all I can't stand it from you,” Justin went on in a cold voice. “Brian Kinney doesn't do guilt. He doesn't feel guilty for anything he has ever done. He's in your face, he's honest to a fault about everything, but most of all he's unapologetic. You don't like him or what he does? You fuck off, don't expect him to change for you.”

“What's this? A sales pitch? You're doing a piss-poor job,” Brian snapped.

Justin only shrugged in response. “That's why you're the ad exec in the family, not me.”

“We're not a family,” Brian sighed, throwing away the last cigarette which he had just finished seconds before. Leaving an unspoken “I have made sure of that.” hanging between them.

“See? That's where you are wrong, Brian. You are one of the smartest human beings I've ever met, but sometimes you can be so dense it's painful.”

Brian didn't even look up at that comment, so Justin went on.

“What are we, if not a family? You and I have a son together. We are both his fathers, that makes us family. Whether you like it or not.”

“More like, whether you like it or not, right?” Brian spat angrily, getting up from his place on the deck chair.

“You're right, I might not like it and it might not make me happy to think about spending the rest of my days being in some way connected to you after what you did, but... the truth is what it is and we can't change it: We have a son together. That makes us a family! Whether we like it or not. We're stuck in this together, Brian and now it's for us to figure out how to make this work!” Justin declared heatedly, before he ran a hand through his hair.

“Just an hour ago I told you that having a family with you has been my biggest dream since I have been seventeen. This is what I have dreamed about all my life,” Justin explained next, interrupting himself when he realised the absurdity of his statement. “Well, not this exactly. In my dream it was more of a consensual decision and more of an us being together thing, really, when I dreamed it, but...,” Justin walked over to where Brian stood and looked him directly in the eye. “This is life. Real life. And if I have learned one thing in this life it's that dreams never come true the way we expect them to. So what, this dream didn't exactly work out the way I wanted it to, but what reality gave me is still pretty fucking close to it. We still have a child together, a beautiful son who I know we both love more than anything and that will bind us together until our last days on this planet. What more could I have asked for? No, it's not happened the way I imagined it to, but I refuse to be unhappy about that any longer. I will not be mourning something that could have never been real anyway. Instead it's time to be grateful for what we have instead and that's what I plan on doing, Brian.”

Justin saw that he had Brian's rapt attention and that Brian was looking at him intently. “And I want you to do the same. This can't work if it's just me moving on. We both have to move on, Brian. What happened was shitty, god... it was beyond shitty and... i-it will take me a long time to really work past all that, but I will try. For Luke, for our family.” Justin could see the doubtful look in Brian's eyes and went on. “And I need you to do the same. Drowning in guilt is not going to help anyone. It's not going to make any of this easier on any of us, it's not going to make any of this go away. All it will achieve is driving us apart again and we can't have that. That can never happen again, Brian. We have Luke to think about and I refuse to let you push me away again.”

When Brian was about to say something to that, Justin held up a forefinger and silenced him effectively with that. “I am not saying you would do so again. I... All I am saying is...”

It was clear that Justin was still ordering his thoughts, so Brian allowed him some peace and quiet to get what he wanted to say right.

“I was thinking about this... this whole thing we've been doing for the last few weeks and it's not enough, Brian,” Justin whispered. “It's all good and well, but it's not enough. It's not enough effort from me, I know that now. I owe Luke to make his childhood as happy as I can, but instead of doing that, I am holding on relentlessly to a grudge against his favourite person on this planet. How can he not notice? How can that be good for him? So... I realised I have to do better and I will,” Justin said full of determination. “I will, Brian and I expect you to do the same. For Luke. He only deserves the best from us and this has not been our best. Far from it. I've been behaving like he doesn't exist, putting my pain and my emotions first, when I should have put him first and that's what I will do from now on. I will put him and Gus, yes, Gus as well as he's part of this family, too,” Justin explained when he saw Brian's confused expression at the mention of his son. “I will put them first from now on which means I will do whatever it takes to make them happy and I intend to start doing that by treating their favourite person in the world more fairly.”

Justin misinterpreted Brian's shocked silence and thought he hadn't gotten what he had said. “You, I meant,” he therefore supplied.

“I-I know,” Brian stammered in reply. He stared at Justin intently, trying to gauge his words. Could Justin mean what he thought he meant? Brian didn't want to jump to conclusions, not after jumping to conclusions about Justin's feelings had resulted in them being apart for five years. So, just to be sure, he asked for clarification.

“Wh-what do you mean by that?”

Justin shrugged. “I-I guess I want us to be friends. If we're doing this, which I know I am and I know you're too, we'll have to find a way to be around each other. We can't divide our time with Gus and Luke until they're moving away just because we can't stand to be in the same room with each other. We're a family, so we need to start acting like one. We... we need to do things together, as a family. You, me and the boys,” Justin explained, a small smile gracing his lips.

At the mention of being friends, Brian's face fell. He quickly masked his disappointment by putting one of his masks in place, hoping against hope that Justin hadn't seen that moment of weakness. He had been crazy to think that Justin meant anything else. What had he expected after what he had put Justin through? But much to Brian's disappointment, Justin had seen and had recognised Brian's reaction to his words.

“I can't do that, Brian. I-I... no way! I can't!” he muttered, before he lowered his eyes.

“I know,” Brian answered, resigned to the truth of Justin's words. Anything else would be doomed to fail anyway as clearly there had been no time to work through whatever issues they had and to move on properly. He knew that, deep down he had accepted it weeks ago when Justin had reappared in his life, but some small part of him had kept hoping anyway, but it was only too well that that hope had been dashed right away by Justin. At least they would know where they would be standing. Friends. They would be friends. He wondered if they would be able to make that work. They had been a lot of things, lovers, sex partners, ex-lovers, boyfriends, partners, even fiances, but they had never only been friends, so this would be new for both of them. And as intimidating as the thought was, somehow Brian also felt reassured. They would do just fine as friends. He was sure of that and he would do his damnest to make this friendship work. Not only for Gus and Luke, though he would do everything he could to make it work for them, but also for himself. Having Justin as a friend would definitely be better than the strained silences they had shared in recent weeks.

He slowly walked over to Justin's side and took the smaller man into his arms. “Friends is good. Way better than what I expected and deserve. I can do friends,” he assured the younger man as he hugged him close.

At first he felt Justin stiffen during his embrace and was slightly hurt by that reaction, but then he realised that maybe he had been too bold and too fast. He quickly released Justin and took a step back. “I-I am sorry. I just thought friends hug. My bad.”

Justin shook his head and chuckled softly. “They do. You're right. I-I was just surprised. I didn't mean to,” he waved his hands helplessly, to explain the situation.

“It's fine. We'll work this out. Together,” Brian stated confidently, looking at Justin from earnest hazel eyes. “You're the most determined person I've ever known and I am known to be quite stubborn, too. If not us, who else could make this work?” Brian asked with his well known Kinney smirk.

Justin couldn't help but laugh and shook his head at Brian's smirk. “Right.”

Brian then joined in Justin's laughter and for the first time in more than five years they were laughing again together. And surprisingly it felt good to both of them.