Chapter 16

Justin didn't know how long he just stood there, every once in a while looking into the guestroom through the slightly ajar door, watching his son sleep peacefully. Luke had no idea about the pain the adults in his life were going through right now. He was happy and in a good place and probably thought that everyone else was just as happy as he was.

If only it was as easy for him to adjust to the new circumstances of his life, as it seemed for Luke, Justin thought to himself. Luke had welcomed him into his life with open arms and in all his innocence hadn't even doubted Justin's sincerity or his love as his father. He had just accepted his second father's sudden appearance and was happy to have both his Papa and his Daddy in his life now, not caring why it hadn't been like that for the last five years. If only things were that easy for Justin and the other adults in this mess.

When he had watched his son for a few more minutes, Justin forced himself to pull away from the door and to go look for his mother. He had made a promise to himself, on behalf of his son, that he would do what he could to make Luke's life as happy as possible and he had managed to find a way of dealing with Brian and he just needed to try harder to find the same with his mother. He owed it to the small boy sleeping a few feet away that he made more of an effort than just accusing everyone of all the wrongdoings they had done towards him. He made his way to the living-room and found Gus sitting in front of the TV, watching a cartoon.

“Hey buddy, what are you still doing up?”

Gus shrugged. “Grandma didn't tell me to go to bed yet, so I stayed here watching cartoons.”

“How about I tell you it's time to go to bed,” Justin said and was rewarded with a groan from the small boy that reminded him so much of the boys' father. “You sound so much like your daddy, it's not even funny how much you two are alike,” Justin pointed out which earned him a smirk from Gus.

“Do I really have to go to bed?” Gus looked at Justin from big eyes, trying to plead with him to stay up a bit longer.

Justin nodded and held out his hand to the boy, pulling him up from the sofa, when he grabbed it. “Yep, you do. It's a school day tomorrow and we want you to be all awake and refreshed for school.”

“I will be even if I stay up another half an hour,” Gus pointed out, but Justin was having none of it.

“Come on, bed, now.”

Gus grumbled as he made his way to Jen's second guestroom, the room that used to be Justin's room for the short time he had been staying with his mom after the bashing. It had really been the only time he had been living at his mom's condo ever since she had moved here and when he looked at the room, he noticed how impersonal it felt to him. This didn't feel like home to him, not like the loft or even Michael's old room at Debbie's had felt like. He had been in this room for less than a week and when he entered it now, was surprised to see that it still held some of the sketches he had done when he had been younger.

As Gus climbed into bed, Justin looked at the sketches that lined the walls, sketches of his mom and Molly, of Daphne and of random scenes from the park. Sketches he had done before he had been bashed, when his hand had still been alright and wouldn't cramp up when exerted too much.

Gus watched Justin as he silently took in the sketches. After several minutes, he spoke quietly. “Did you do these?”

Justin nodded and turned to Gus with a small smile. “Yeah... a long time ago.”

“They look nice,” Gus said, giving Justin a thumps up gesture.

Justin smiled at the small boy. “Thanks. Though they aren't really that great.”

“I like them. I like the one of Grandma Jen and Molly. They look so lovely and happy.”

“I sketched this on Molly's birthday. It was a happy day,” Justin reminisced.

“Were you happy when you did those paintings?” Gus asked and Justin had a feeling the small boy was going somewhere with his questions, even though he didn't quite know where.

“Yes, I guess so,” he had been disappointed that day about his father avoiding him, but all in all he had been happy about seeing his mother and Molly and about seeing them so happy. He winced inwardly when he thought about the events following Molly's birthday that year.

“Are you happy now?” Gus went on asking, eyeing Justin carefully from his position in his bed.

So that was where Gus wanted to go, Justin thought to himself. Smart guy, probably too smart for his age.

“That's not an easy question to answer, you know? It's... complicated,” Justin said quietly, before he moved over to Gus' bed and sat down on the edge.

“You're not happy because of Daddy and Grandma and Luke, are you?” Gus asked innocently, playing with the corner of his blanket, avoiding Justin's eyes.

“Why would you think that, Gus?” Justin asked, looking at the small boy with concern. This was what he had been scared about. His problems with Brian and his mom having an effect on Gus and Luke. The one thing he had tried to avoid and now here he was and Gus was telling him that he knew that something was wrong.

Gus shrugged as he explained his reasoning to Justin. “When you came to the house, you were really, really angry with Daddy and Daddy said he had done something bad to you... but you look happy when you spend time with Luke and me, but... when Daddy comes, you're not happy anymore. And today, you weren't happy either. And I saw you and Grandma Jen arguing in the hallway. You're angry with her, aren't you? Is she one of the other people that hurt you?”

Justin rubbed his hand across his face, trying to figure out what to say to the small boy in front of him. “Gus, do you remember when I told you that sometimes things happen that are out of our control? That we don't have any choice in and just have to live with the consequences?”

Justin watched Gus' frown and then after several seconds his nod.

“I don't like when things happen that I can't control and that I don't get a choice in, you know? And... something happened with your Daddy and Grandma Jen, that didn't give me any choice for myself and not having a choice made me angry. And yes, for a time I was very angry at your Daddy and Grandma Jen, but...,” Justin sighed before he went on. “But I don't like being angry, you know? I like being happy and I like us all being happy, so when I was finally given a choice, I made the choice to be happy and you have no idea how much you and Luke are helping me to be as happy as I can be.”

“Me and Luke?” Gus asked with wide eyes.

“Yes, you two,” Justin smiled in response. “I love spending time with both of you and I am having so much fun with you. I really enjoy myself with you two and that makes me happy and I am happy when I am around you two. So never think it has anything to do with you or Luke, you hear me? It doesn't. And I am trying to work on not being angry with your Daddy and your Grandma anymore. I think...,” Justin eyed Gus curiously. “I think I made a good start with your daddy, didn't I? We did okay these last few days, didn't we?”

Gus nodded. “I enjoy our dinners. I love being with you and Daddy. We are having so much fun.”

“Yes, I am having fun, too and I know that I will also have fun again with your Grandma Jen. It's just that grown ups can be really complicated sometimes and then we need a lot longer to figure out what we really want and how to go about it.”

“But if you know you want to have fun with her as well, you should just do so. Everything else is silly,” Gus frowned.

“Yeah, it does sound kind of silly, doesn't it? But... it isn't always that easy, Gus. Sometimes life is complicated and....it's hard to do the right thing. I want you to know though, that I am trying... Just like I am trying with your daddy, I will also try with your grandmother to have fun with her again” Justin agreed.

“Yes, you should. Grandma Jen is nice. She is a lot of fun and I am sure she wants to have fun with you, too.”

Justin smiled at the innocence of the small boy on the bed in front of him. “Well, I guess then I should go and try to talk to her, shouldn't I?”

“Yes, you should. And you should try to have fun with her like you have fun with me and Luke. Then you will be happy more often,” Gus nodded.

“You're a smart boy, Gus,” Justin said with one of his sunshine smiles. “Thanks for your advice.”

Five minutes later Justin made his way through the house, looking for his mother. Both boys were in bed now and asleep and he hoped that they would be able to talk some more and finish the unsatisfactory conversation from earlier. He found his mother in her bedroom, sitting on the edge of the bed, holding a picture frame in her hand, tears streaming down her face.

Justin quietly made his way over and sat down on the bed next to Jennifer. When he got a good look at the picture frame in her hand, he saw that it was a picture of him as a teenager, looking all prim and proper. The picture had been taken at a family event and Justin hadn't even noticed that he had been photographed in that instant. He looked happy, had been smiling about something and his eyes had been shining with happiness.

“You deserved a better mother than me, you know? A stronger mother,” Jennifer whispered as she continued to stare at the picture in her hand.

“Mom?” Justin asked in confusion.

“You were such a happy boy, always smiling and now look at you. Look at everything that has happened from then to now. I was such a bad mother to you and you would have deserved a better mother.”

“Mom, that's not true,” Justin started, but was interrupted by Jennifer almost immediately.

“What kind of mother allows her husband to throw their son out of the house at the age of 17 without anywhere to go? What kind of mother just sits by and watches as another woman and her son's lover raise him instead of her? What kind of mother just sends her son off to live with his lover because she doesn't know how to deal with him? What kind of mother doesn't tell her son that he is about to be a father himself?” Jennifer angrily wiped away the tears that were flowing down her face. “I am sorry I wasn't the mother you deserved. You would have deserved so much better.”

Justin eyed his mother in shock and wondered if this was how Jennifer really saw herself. Did she really think of herself as that much of a failure? “Mom,” he started and turned towards her. “Look at me, Mom, please.” He waited for Jennifer to raise her eyes enough to look at him. He saw pain, fear and shame in his mom's eyes and it nearly broke his heart to see all those emotions there.

“Don't do that to yourself, please,” he whispered. “I had the best mom I could have wished for,” he said with sincerity. “I had a mom that loved me, even in difficult times and tried to do what was best for me even when it went against everything she believed in. So what if it took you some time to accept that I am gay? That was a shock I just sprung on you and Dad and... I know that being with Brian didn't really help make it any easier on you to accept me for who I was, but... you learned, mom and that's all that matters to me. You learned to accept me and you learned to accept Brian and for that I will always love you. You might think that you sent me away to live with Brian because you couldn't deal with me after my bashing, but... I made it impossible for you to deal with me. That wasn't your fault, Mom. I was a real pain in the ass and despite all that you loved me and accepted me and you were always in my corner. That's what matters. I always knew that I could count on you for support no matter what.”

Jennifer shook her head, putting the picture frame back to its place on the nightstand. “No, you couldn't. You're right, if you could have, I would have told you about Luke years ago, but I didn't. I failed you.”

Justin sighed, not liking to see his mom like this. His mother had always been a strong, independent woman, well after she had broken free of Craig's clutches, and she had always supported him in everything he had done, no matter how outrageous that might have been.

“Mom, you did a lot of things that not many mothers would have done. You realised and accepted when I needed Brian instead of you and allowed him to take over. I know that can't have been easy for you and went against everything you believed in, but you did it for my own good and there are so many times where you put me or Molly's interest before your own... That makes you the best mother a child can wish for and I for one am really glad that you're my mother. So you made a mistake...A big mistake... Well, that's life. We all do. I certainly made many mistakes, but you know what I have learned?”

He watched as his mother slowly shook her head.

“It's how we deal with them. What we learn from them and how we let them affect our future.” Justin looked at her sadly. “I love you, Mom. Despite what happened, I love you and I don't want this to destroy our relationship. I will not allow that to happen.”

“Justin,” Jennifer whispered, but was interrupted by Justin.

“You said you're sorry and I believe you. You know that what you did was wrong and I know you wouldn't betray me like that again, but... this whole thing with Luke happened and we can't turn back time and make it go away. It's here now and it's putting this huge barrier between us and it's for us to make sure it won't affect us for the rest of our lives.”

Justin looked at his mother and gently took her hand. Jennifer frowned at him when she saw what he was doing. “It took me a lot of thinking and some ass-kicking to realise what's really important and it's not me, it's not you, it's not Brian and it's not our pain. What is important is Luke and Gus and their happiness. Those two boys are all that matter and as their father it is my responsibility to make sure they're happy and they can't be happy, if I am not happy myself and if I am not happy with the people in their lives. It wasn't easy to accept that, but I know that I need to forgive you and Brian and everyone else if we ever want to have a chance to be happy as a family. We need to move on from what happened and can't let it hold us back in pain and hurt.” Justin squeezed his mother's hand. “I am willing to do that. I know it won't be easy and I know it will take time and effort from all of us, but I owe it to Luke and Gus to do all I can to make them happy and that includes making peace with the people in their lives.”

Justin let go of Jennifer's hand and moved away, wiping away a tear on his face. “I don't want to be angry at you anymore, Mom. I miss you and I love you and... I need you. I have a son and I am shit-scared of what that means. What if I won't be a good father to him? What if I will hurt him or turn out to be like Dad? God, I... I can't ever hurt him like that,” Justin whispered, fear and anguish in his voice. These thoughts had been lingering in the back of his mind for weeks now and Justin had been too scared to give in to them or confront them. He had tried to ignore them, but he couldn't any longer.

Hearing the fear in her son's voice, Jennifer's motherly instinct took over and she took her son in her arms, hugging him close. “Oh Justin, you could never be like him. You have too much love in your heart. You love and love and give and give and you could never hurt Luke like you've been hurt. It's not in you. You will be a good father, the best any son could wish for.”

“I am scared, Mom,” Justin admitted, allowing his mother to hug him. It felt so good to be in her arms and to be held by her. “So fucking scared of messing this up.”

“I know, but you don't have to be. You are such a good person, honey. Nobody is perfect and everyone makes mistakes, but... just look at you. Look at how hard you're trying to make this right for Luke and Gus, when... when it really shouldn't be you... You would never do anything to hurt these boys. You couldn't. It's not in you. And... if you feel like you need it, I will be here to help for as long as you will allow me,” Jennifer whispered, trying to comfort her hurt son. “I am sorry, Justin. So sorry. For everything.”

They stayed in their embrace for what felt like an eternity, both crying and letting go of all the pain and fear they had harboured inside, just relishing the strength they drew from being in each other's arms and lives again.

After many minutes, Justin pulled back and looked at the tear-strained face of his mother, imagining that his own had to look quite similar. “God, look at us.”

“Well, we Taylors were always a dramatic bunch, what can you do?” Jennifer chuckled, wiping away the tears on her son's face. She smiled when she saw him chuckle in return.

Yes, it would take time and no, it wouldn't be easy, but somehow she knew that they had made it through the worst and they would be okay in the long run. Justin was right, everyone made mistakes, but it was how they dealt with them, that defined them. Not the mistakes, but the lessons they learn from them and Justin was right, they owed it to the two boys sleeping in her guestrooms that they did everything they could to learn the right lessons from this mess.