Chapter 20

A week later Justin moved into Britin. It had taken him a week to get all his stuff organised and packed and on the next Saturday, he had everything delivered to Britin. It was an understatement to say that Luke and Gus had been beyond excited. They had asked every day since Brian and Justin had announced at dinner that fateful evening that Justin would move in with them why he couldn't move in earlier. They had been so impatient, especially Luke, that it had nearly driven Brian and Justin crazy.

All during the week Brian and Justin had been eaten with doubts if they were doing the right thing. The more they had both considered Brian's idea, the more flaws they had found and the more scared they had gotten. The boys hadn't been able to understand how important it was that this worked out. If living together as a family didn't work out for them, what was left for their future then? How were they supposed to go on after their attempt at being a family failed?

Thoughts of failure and him and Brian turning into one big fighting mess had kept Justin awake for two nights and in the end he had hoped for support from his friends. It hadn't really surprised him that Daphne had just called him crazy and had been completely against the idea of him moving into Britin. According to her it was giving the kids the wrong idea about his relationship with Brian and they might start thinking that there was more to Justin moving in than there was. He had been able to see her point and had convinced Brian to be honest with the boys. So on the third day after the announcement, both Brian and Justin had sat down with their boys and had explained to them that yes, Justin was moving into Britin, but that he was only doing so to spend more time with them and that it didn't mean that Brian and Justin would be a couple like Gus' moms had been, for example or Ted and Blake or Debbie and Carl.

After the lack of support from Daphne, Justin had turned to Emmett and had hoped for support there, but had once again been disappointed. Emmett's lack of support had utterly surprised Justin, after all Emmett had been the one to convince him that he needed to find a way to deal with Brian and that they needed to work through their issues for the sake of the boys. He had expected Emmett to be happy about them doing this for the boys, but instead Emmett had only shaken his head in disappointment at Justin's announcement.

Unlike Daphne, Emmett hadn't been angry with him, but mostly concerned and there had also been disappointment and Justin hadn't known why.

“Are you sure this is what you want to do, baby?” Emmett had asked him and looked at him closely.

“It's what's best for the boys, so yes.”

“Is it really?” Emmett had furrowed his brow.

“Of course it is. They want to spend more time with me, I would love to spend more time with them, all their stuff is at Britin, I won't have to look for a new house, they won't have to get used to new rooms and new surroundings and they will have either me or Brian around 24/7. It's the perfect solution. Britin has a completed studio which Brian had done for me after our engagement, so I can even work from there,” Justin explained, repeating Brian's arguments.

“Fine, let's assume this is the right thing for Gus and Luke, what about you?” Emmett asked and Justin could hear the concern in his voice. He wondered why everybody was so concerned for him, it wasn't like he was a clueless teenager anymore and didn't know what he was doing.

“What about me? I told you, it allows me to spend more time with Gus and Luke. I will save so much time just because I won't have to commute from Pittsburgh every day, it's the perfect idea.”

“What about you and Brian? Are you sure he's not getting the wrong idea?”

Justin sighed. “Emmett, there is no wrong idea. I made it very clear that I am moving in because of the boys and Brian is well aware of that. There is no wrong idea to be gotten from his part. We are doing this as parents of our son, hopefully friends, but that's where it ends. For both of us.”

Emmett eyed his friend doubtfully. “Are you sure about that?”

“Jeez, what are you getting at?” Justin was getting exasperated by his friend's comments. If he had something to say, he should damn well say it.

“What if this is just one of Brian's masterplans to get you back?”

“Really? That's what you think? What would give you that idea?” Justin asked thoroughly confused.

“Brian has always loved you, has probably never stopped after having your son. What if this is one of his elaborate plans to get you back? Once you're spending every day together, you might warm up to his charms again.”

“His charms? Emmett, god! Brian knows where we're standing, the two of us,” Justin explained. “He knows that I can't just forget what happened and he accepts his part in all of that. His first priority is Luke's and Gus' happiness and he wouldn't risk that for a chance at my ass,” Justin muttered. “You haven't talked to him in God knows how long, but I have been with him for every day of the last month and I can tell you, he's not the Brian we used to know. He's not the Stud of Liberty Avenue anymore. He has grown up and now he's a committed father and family man. You're judging him by his old self, but not by who he is now. Trust me, Em, I know what I am doing,” Justin assured the older man.

“Are you sure?”

“Absolutely sure. And don't forget, he can only charm someone that wants to be charmed. There are always two people in a relationship and right now that is the last thing on my mind.”

Once again Emmett looked at his younger friend full of doubt. “That's what you say now.”

“And that's what I'll say next week and next month and however long I need to. This is a good thing, Emmett. For me and the boys. I-I...want this. I want us to be as much of a family as we can be. It's always been my biggest dream to have a family with Brian and now he's just trying to give me what can be salvaged of my dream. That can't be a bad thing, right?”

Emmett contemplated Justin's words for a bit and in the end nodded. “Yeah, you're right. I'm overreacting. Just ignore this old queen.”

In the end Emmett had even offered to help Justin with his move and had helped him get his stuff packed and shipped to Britin. He had offered to watch Gus and Luke during the move, so Brian and Justin wouldn't have two kids running around the place while the movers were trying to figure out where everything had to go, which Justin had gladly accepted.

Unbeknownst to Justin, Brian hadn't really had an easier time with their decision. After his miserably failed attempt of presenting his idea to the whole family during dinner time, unwittingly putting Justin on the spot in front of the kids, he had started to have doubts as well. Justin's questions during their conversation had made him think and he had realised that Justin had been right. They had never lived together as anything but lovers and living together in the same house but not be together would be weird.

Brian would be lying if he said he wasn't interested in Justin sexually. Justin had always been an incredibly handsome man and still was, now probably more so than five years ago as growing up had only made his features more defined and Brian knew that Justin had always been the one. Justin had been the first person he had considered a relationship with, the first person he had had a relationship with, no matter how fucked up it had been and Justin was the father of his child. Even if unplanned and due to an accident, Justin had made him happier than he had ever thought he could be and deserved to be by giving him a son.

Brian had been told that he was one of the 5% of men that could carry babies, but he had just brushed that piece of information aside when he had been a teenager and had first found out. It didn't matter to him since he was only interested in topping and it didn't matter when he had been the Stud of Liberty Avenue as all he did was top. Justin had been the first person since his own first time to top him and they had always used a condom, so Brian hadn't really worried about being able to get pregnant either. That was until he had found out from the doctor that he hadn't been suffering from a stomach bug, but had been pregnant. He had thought long and hard about how that could have happened and he still had no idea. He and Justin had always, absolutely always used condoms. The doctor had then pointed out to him that condoms only prevented pregnancies in 98% of the cases and he had been in the 2% that had gotten pregnant anyway, even despite using a condom.

Once he had accepted the truth and had worked through his shock, he had even been happy and excited about the pregnancy. Now he would always have a part of Justin in his life, the only man he had ever loved and would ever love. Of that he had been sure even at the time.

He would be lying now if he said he wasn't in love with Justin anymore. Careful contemplation on his part in recent weeks had made that much clear to him. As soon as Justin was around, Brian had no idea how not to love him, but despite his own feelings for the younger man, he had also been painfully aware of the fact that he had destroyed their relationship once and for all with his behaviour concerning Luke. It was a miracle that Justin didn't hate him and was still treating him like a friend and was considering moving in. Brian knew that he deserved so much worse from Justin, but was glad at the same time that Justin wasn't treating him the way he knew he deserved to be treated.

Which had brought him back to Justin's question from their conversation. Would they be able to live together, not being a couple? And he had heard what Justin hadn't asked, but had clearly meant: Would he be able to live with Justin under his roof, but not being able to have him as a lover in his bed? And the more he thought about the question, the more the answer scared him. In the end, he had promised to himself that he would try, he knew he had to try for the sake of both his sons and he would manage. Somehow. He owed it to Luke and Gus after everything he had already put them through. They deserved to have Justin around and he would do whatever he could to make it possible for Justin to stay around.

“Do you think we're doing the right thing?” Brian had asked a surprised Ted one afternoon at Kinnetik.

“Doing the right thing?” Ted had raised an eyebrow and was looking at Brian for further explanation. This question had come completely unexpectedly and Ted wasn't really sure what 'thing' Brian was refering to.

“Having Justin move into Britin,” Brian explained, as usual not a man of many words.

“It doesn't matter what I think, Brian. You're doing it and now you're going to have to make it work. For Luke and Gus.”

Brian nodded grudgingly. “What if we can't?”

“Then you'll figure out what to do then. You're in this together and that's the word to go with: Together. As long as you make decisions together and agree on how to raise Luke and Gus, you should be fine,” Ted assured.

“I am not sure if we can do this. Justin is right, we've never lived together not being together.”

“So this will be a first. You've been a lot of his firsts and he's been some of your firsts. This is just another first to add to the list: First time living together with an ex-boyfriend as friends and family.”

“I am not sure I can do that which is fucked up since I was the one to suggest it to begin with,” Brian muttered angrily, annoyed by his own insecurity. Brian Kinney didn't do insecure. Never.

“Brian,” Ted started quietly. “You're not the only one this will be hard for. It will be hard for Justin, too. You'll both need to figure out how to deal with your new situation and it will take time.”

“He seems to have an easier time of it, at least he knows he hates my guts and doesn't want anything more to do with me than raising our son together.”

“He doesn't hate your guts, don't be so melodramatic. It doesn't suit you,” Ted chided his boss and couldn't help but laugh when Brian threw him an angry glare. “Those don't work with me and haven't for at least 5 years. So don't even waste your breath.”

“Well, he certainly doesn't like me or enjoy being around me,” Brian muttered as he sank down in his office chair.

“He's hurt Brian. That will take time to heal. He needs to be able to work through that pain and hurt and to move on. I am sure that's not an easy thing to do. He has loved you ever since he has met you. Just like he's the person that can hurt you the worst, you're the person who can hurt him the worst and you did. You can't just expect him to forget about that.”

“I am well aware of that, Theodore,” Brian gritted through his teeth. “Each and every day I am aware of what I have done when I see his face. He gets this faraway look at times, when he thinks nobody notices and I know he's thinking about all the time he's lost with Luke. And I know it's all my fault... How can he not hate me?”

“Because he loves you and love makes us forget the worst things,” Ted said quietly.

“He doesn't love me, not anymore.”

“I wouldn't be so sure, Brian. When he came back from New York, he wanted to find you and wanted to convince you that you wanted and needed him in your life. He still loved you then.”

“That was before he found out about Luke,” Brian pointed out, his voice sounding as if he thought Ted was dense.

“Yes, but do you seriously expect him to just turn off his feelings and to forget about the love he was obviously still feeling then? He loved you then and I am sure he still does now. I would bet my considerable wealth on it. Yes, it might be buried under a lot of pain and hurt, but what do you think makes him work through that? What do you think makes him move on from that pain and hurt?”

“His love...,” Brian started, “for Luke and maybe even Gus,” he then finished.

“Definitely for Luke and Gus as well, but also for you. Don't fool yourself into thinking he hates you. He couldn't even if he wanted to. He's loved you for years, he couldn't just stop, even if he wanted to.”

Brian eyed his accountant, who had also become his best friend ever since he had started working for him and thought about what he had said. “Let's assume you're right, Theodore. What am I supposed to do?”

“Nothing. You just wait until he has worked through it all,” Ted replied. “There is nothing else you can do. But don't make the mistake of pressuring him. Give him time. I know patience is not your strongest suit, but it might pay off in the end.”

Brian pondered Ted's words and could see some sense in them. “Maybe you're right...”

“You know I am right,” Ted smirked and the smirk reminded Brian way too much of himself.

“Get out of here before I fire your sorry ass, Schmidt,” Brian said sternly, but the smile on his lips betrayed his true feelings.

“Always glad to have these conversations with you, boss,” Ted chuckled and then made his way to the door and left Brian alone to his thoughts.

The conversation with Ted had calmed Brian down enough to not even throw a fit when later that night Justin had insisted that he wanted to use the smallest of the guestrooms up on the top floor which was located right next to the studio. He had given Brian some explanation about wanting to be close to his studio in case his creativity might strike at the strangest times, but deep down Brian had known that Justin had chosen that room because it was furthest away from the master bedroom and from him. Instead of throwing a fit, of having a pointless discussion about it, he had just nodded and accepted Justin's choice, following Ted's advice of not pressuring him and letting him work through everything on his own.

By the time Saturday came around and Justin moved in, Brian even agreed that maybe it was for the best that Justin had chosen the guestroom on the top floor. Too much closeness might not be good for them as they were trying to figure out their new family dynamics as friends. Maybe they needed this kind of separation even if it was only by one floor. Only the future would show how well they would be doing as friends and fathers to their sons.