Chapter 27

“What are you doing hiding in here? Why aren't you downstairs celebrating Christmas with your family?” Debbie admonished Brian, as she found him hiding away in Justin's studio.

“Just leave me alone,” Brian groused, not even looking up at the woman who had become his mother over the years.

“What's going on, honey?” Debbie asked in concern as she saw Brian's dejected form. His shoulders were sunken in, his head hung low as he sat cross-legged in the middle of the floor of Justin's studio.

“Nothing. Everything's just peachy. Go down and celebrate Christmas with your grandsons,” Brian urged her, still not looking up. He was just hoping and praying that she would disappear and would leave him alone to wail in his misery. But no such luck. Not with Debbie. He sighed as Debbie continued speaking with him.

“Cut the bullshit, Brian. What's having your panties in a twist?” She asked as she flopped down next to him. She was reminded of a day years ago where they had sat down in similar positions on the floor of Brian's loft, but back then they had smoked a joint together. “You're not going to bring out the weed now, are you?” She asked carefully.

Brian couldn't help but snort despite himself, thinking back to that day so long ago. “No, don't worry, Ma. I am a respectable family man now.”

“That you are and I am damn proud of you,” Debbie said seriously as she rubbed his thigh in comfort.

“Nothing to be proud of,” Brian only muttered, still not looking at Debbie.

“Of course! Stop putting yourself down, Brian. You are one of the most successful business men on the east coast. You came from nothing and worked hard to built your multi-million dollar empire. Look at this fucking mansion. That must have cost a pretty penny and you were able to buy it in your thirties. You have two beautiful sons who love you more than anything and who are loving, well-raised creatures. What is there not to be proud of?”

Brian just nodded at the painting that stood in front of them and Debbie gasped when she saw what was depicted on it. She immediately felt the love pouring from the painting into her.

“It's beautiful,” she gasped. She studied the painting for several more minutes and Brian just sat next to her in silence. She felt like she knew what had Brian in this mood. “It's the painting, isn't it?”

Brian just shrugged in reply and added after several minutes. “Not only, it's a mix of things.”

“Tell me,” she urged, looking at him from concerned eyes.

“He shouldn't have done that,” Brian just said as if that would explain everything.

“Why not? It's beautiful, Brian. It captured you all so well and there is so much love in this painting. It's almost as if he poured all his heart and his love into this.”

“He shouldn't have,” Brian only repeated, as he slowly got up and walked closer to the painting, studying the expressions on the faces of the people in the painting.

“You're losing me here, big guy,” Debbie admitted, watching Brian in confusion. She couldn't understand what was so wrong about Justin painting their family. Justin had often painted people and events from his life, he had always painted people and things that meant a lot to him. To her this was no different.

“Come here,” Brian urged her and guided her to the painting after she had gotten up. He guided her to stand in front of what was Justin and made her look at his expression. “What do you see in his face?”

Debbie frowned, but played along, hoping that Brian would explain what he was on about. “Happiness, love and contentment. Why? Brian, I really don't know what you're on about.”

Brian just sighed and turned away from Debbie and the painting. He paced in the studio for several minutes, until Debbie stopped him.

“Obviously I am missing something here. Explain it to me,” she pleaded with the man opposite her.

When Brian stayed silent, she tried another route. “Do you see something different?”

“No,” Brian replied quietly.

“Then I don't see the problem. What's so wrong with love, happiness and contentment?”

“What's wrong with them? They shouldn't be there on his face! He shouldn't be feeling them,” Brian exclaimed as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“Brian Kinney, I know you and Justin are having problems, but you not wanting him to be happy is totally uncalled for,” Debbie erupted, being in her surrogate son's face the second he had finished his statement. “I never would have expected you to be that spiteful.”

Brian just laughed at Debbie's reaction and then looked at her from pained eyes. “I want him to be all those things. Damn, what do you think of me? I am the last person who would want him to be anything but.”

“Then why is it such a problem for you that it's there? That he painted it?”

“Because he shouldn't be feeling those things with me in the picture,” Brian gritted out what was the problem and Debbie's heart broke for her surrogate son.

“What should he be feeling according to you?”

“He should be angry at me, he should be hurt, he should hate me,” Brian whispered before he sank down on the floor in a heap. Debbie rushed to his side and held the now crying man in her arms. She held him as he cried for what felt to be all the pain he had gone through for the last five years. When he quieted down after several minutes, she looked at his face and looked straight into his eyes.

“Brian, he loves these boys. Just look at him, he's happier than I've ever seen him when he's with Luke and Gus. Why would he feel anything but love for them?”

“Not for them,” Brian mumbled as he angrily wiped away his tears, cursing himself for his outburst.

“Okay, humour me. Why would he feel anything else for you?” Debbie asked, feeling like they were finally getting to the bottom of things.

“Because I hurt him and betrayed him,” Brian said dejectedly.

“And he forgave you,” Debbie whispered, knowing that it was the truth. She had watched Justin closely in recent weeks and she had seen the change in him from the angry man he had been when he had first come back to Pittsburgh and had found out about Luke's existence. From the angry man that had kicked her out of his house when she had come over the first time. That angry man had been gone for weeks now and had been replaced by a happy, content man who enjoyed his family and loved every minute he was able to spend with his sons.

“He shouldn't have, not after what I have done.”

“Why not?” Debbie asked gently.

“Because it's unforgivable.”

“Obviously not to him. He obviously thought it was something he could forgive and he did. He's happy, Brian and he's content being a father to Luke and Gus. Why would he hate you? Without you he wouldn't have the chance to be a father to these two boys he loves so much. You gave that to him, why would he hate you for that?”

“Because I also kept it away from him for five years,” Brian pointed out as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“So you have and it was a mistake and it was obviously a mistake he thought was worth forgiving. Brian, he has moved on from that and he's happy now. Whatever happened between you two in the past is just that. The past. We can't change it anymore and there's absolutely nothing we can do about any of what happened five years ago. He has accepted that and is now making the best of the situation by living in the here and now and enjoying it for all it's worth. You need to do the same. You need to let the past be the past, Brian. It's time to move on,” Debbie gently urged, hugging her surrogate son close.

“How?” Brian asked brokenly, eyeing Debbie from sad, hazel eyes.

“Let the past be the past and concentrate on the here and now. You love Luke and Gus and I know you love Sunshine, too,” Debbie chuckled when she saw Brian's surprise on his face. “You don't fool me, Brian. I knew years ago that you loved him and you still love him just as much if not even more now. And what you're probably not seeing is that he loves you, too.”

“You're crazy.”

“No, I am not. I've seen the way he's been watching you like a hawk all day. He's worried about you, Brian. And just look at that painting in front of you. If that doesn't tell you how much that man loves you, I don't know what will. Don't you see? It's his way of saying to you that he's forgiven you.”

Debbie slowly got up and left a kiss on Brian's forehead when she stood in front of him. “Just look at the painting and really look, Brian. He loves you and he loves this family you have created for him. Don't lose that by keeping on living in the past.” Debbie sighed as she looked at the painting herself. “You can't change what happened in the past, but you have control over the present and the future. Don't mess it up. Don't make him leave by not being able to let go of a painful past. You've got a chance here to get the family you've always wanted. Don't mess it up over a misguided sense of guilt,” Debbie said seriously before she left him alone in the studio, alone with his thoughts and feelings.

***

After everyone had left, Brian and Justin had cleaned up the house and had made sure that Gus and Luke had made it into bed safely. Justin had noticed that Brian had disappeared for a long time during the afternoon which had only confirmed his belief that something was wrong. Afterwards Brian had come back and had rejoined the group and had pretended to be his usual snarky, happy self, but he hadn't been able to fool Justin. Justin had seen through Brian's act and had known that Brian was just pretending that everything was okay. Something was obviously wrong and for some reason Justin couldn't shake the feeling that it had to do with him. Brian had avoided his eyes all day and had avoided talking to him and if he was honest with himself, Justin had enough of that silent treatment. He wanted to know what was going on and he had vowed to himself that he would find out once the boys were taken care of.

Justin had looked in Brian's study, the media room and his studio, but hadn't been able to find Brian anywhere. He had seen Brian leave Luke's room about an hour ago, but ever since the man had seemed to disappear.

“Brian? Are you in here?” Justin asked quietly as he knocked on the door of the master bedroom. It was really the only place where he hadn't looked for Brian yet.

When the door opened, he sighed in relief. At least he had found Brian. Then his face turned into a frown. “Are you going out?” He noticed that Brian was wearing club clothes, pretty slutty ones at that if Justin dared to say so.

“It's Christmas, why should only the kids have fun on this day?” Brian asked as he walked past Justin without a further glance.

“Don't you think you should have told me?” Justin asked, feeling anger rise inside him. He didn't know why, but somehow it made him angry that Brian wanted to go out.

“Why? Are you my babysitter?” Brian's snark wasn't lost on Justin.

“Fine, I get it. Whatever your problem is, it has to do with me. Do I at least deserve to know what I did wrong?”

“Why does everything always have to be about you? It's Christmas and I just want to have some fun for myself after a day of fun for everyone else, I deserve at least that much, don't I?”

Justin eyed Brian and wondered if he was for real. “Shouldn't you at least have made sure that I don't have plans? That someone was here to watch the kids?”

“Do you have plans?” Brian asked and eyed the comfy jogging pants that Justin was wearing. When Justin didn't reply, Brian just nodded. “Yeah, I thought so.”

“Can we at least talk about today before you leave?” Justin tried a different approach, not surprised when Brian picked up his car keys and just walked past him towards the door.

“Sorry Justin, places to be, people to fuck, drinks to drink. I am sure whatever you so desperately want to talk about, can still be talked about tomorrow,” and with that Brian disappeared through the door without a second glance at Justin.

Justin watched the empty space where Brian had stood seconds before and shook his head in disbelief. This was so unlike Brian, he couldn't believe what had just happened. Then again, as he thought about it, it was typical Brian, but typical Brian from years ago. Typical Brian from when they had still been in their non-relationship. When Brian had refused to acknowledge that Justin was anything more than a convenient fuck. The Brian Justin had gotten to know in the last three months wouldn't have been that inconsiderate, that Brian would have asked Justin if he was okay with watching the kids for the night, that Brian would have let him in on his plans to go out for the night, that Brian would have probably even asked him if he wanted to go out too instead of just assuming that Justin would stay home and watch the kids. As Justin slowly made his way into the living-room, he couldn't help but wonder what had brought on the return of this old Brian. Something had been off all day and he wondered if it was just the fact that it was Christmas and Brian hated Christmas or if it was something more serious.

***

Emmett watched as Brian ordered another double Beam, before leering at the twink at his side. He had watched Brian disappear into the backroom several times that night and had seen him drink what probably amounted to a whole bottle of Beam already. As far as Emmett was concerned Brian was shit-faced drunk and that worried him more than he cared to admit. He hadn't seen Brian get drunk at Babylon in years and the last time he had seen Brian disappear into the backroom must have been shortly after Justin had left for New York. Afterwards he had barely seen Brian at Babylon at all and when he had been there, he had mostly hidden in his office, going over paperwork and numbers before having one drink and disappearing again. It worried Emmett that the old Brian of years ago seemed to have made a return and he wondered what had brought it on. Brian had acted weird all day and had seemed slightly out of it all during their Christmas dinner and when he had asked Justin about it, Justin had agreed that he had noticed as well that something was off, but the younger man hadn't known what had been the cause for Brian's weird behaviour. And now here he was getting shit-faced as he had done on his best Stud days. Something was definitely wrong.

When Emmett saw Brian grab the hand of the next trick he obviously wanted to take to the backroom, he had had enough and stepped into Brian's path. He threw a glare at the twink and ordered him to piss off.

“Honeycutt,” Brian slurred, but he never got further than that as Emmett interrupted him forcefully by stabbing his finger into Brian's chest.

“Don't call me Honeycutt, Kinney! What the fuck do you think you're doing?”

“I was about to get a hopefully decent blow-job. Now it feels like getting a lecture from you,” Brian snarked and Emmett had trouble making out all the words, Brian was that drunk.

“You're shit-faced drunk, Brian,” Emmett pointed out.

“What are you? My mother? I can do what I want to do, now get out of my way.”

“You're going home now,” Emmett said decisively and grabbed Brian's hand, pulling him towards the exit. He noticed that Brian was struggling, but Emmett was stronger than he looked. Being with Drew he had learned a few tricks about handling himself with bigger men and he didn't allow Brian to break away from his grasp.

“Honeycutt, let me go or I will kick your fucking ass until there's no tomorrow.”

“Brian, you don't scare me. That might have worked with Ted and Michael, but it never worked with me. Your bark is louder than your bite. You will go home now and then you'll sleep of the bottle of beam you consumed and tomorrow you'll apologise to Justin.”

At the mention of Justin's name Brian stopped struggling and his gaze focused on Emmett, or at least it seemed that way to Emmett. “Apologise for what?”

“For your despicable behaviour today.”

“Fuck you, Honeycutt!” Brian only muttered, now once more trying to break away from Emmett's grasp.

“No, fuck you, Brian! This was his first Christmas with his son and all day he has been worried about you because you were in a shitty mood for whatever reason. Not that you told anyone and allowed anyone to help you. No, in true Kinney fashion you just bottled it up and let him wonder what was wrong. This was supposed to be a happy day for him and you fucked it up because once again it had to be about you. You couldn't even give him that, could you? A happy Christmas with his kids was already too much for you to do for him after everything you put him through.”

Emmett had gotten more and more angry as he had talked and by the end had talked himself into a real rage.

“It's beyond me how he could ever forgive you. You are the worst kind of bastard out there,” the angry queen spat.

Emmett didn't notice how Brian had sunken into himself more and more at his angry words and at the end of his tirade was just leaning against a wall, tears streaming down his face. Emmett had never seen Brian cry and if he was honest with himself, the sight scared him shitless.

“Brian? Are you okay?”

At first Brian nodded, then he shook his head just seconds afterwards and just continued crying.

“Jesus, Brian. What's wrong?” Emmett got more and more worried, the more he saw Brian break down in front of him.

“I am such a fuck-up,” Brian got out after several minutes in which he had tried to calm himself down enough to talk.

“Not going to disagree there,” Emmett agreed.

“He deserves better,” Brian went on, his eyes incredibly sad.

“Once again, not going to disagree,” Emmett replied, before his voice turned slightly more gentle. “But for some reason he doesn't seem to think so.”

“He should hate me, but he doesn't.”

“No, he doesn't,” Emmett agreed quietly. He had seen the way Justin had looked at Brian in concern all day, he had seen the worried looks he had thrown Brian's way and even though Justin might not think that anybody else had noticed, Emmett had seen that there had been more in his eyes than just worry and concern for the second father of his child. Justin still loved Brian, for whatever reason, a reason Emmett clearly couldn't understand. At first he hadn't understood why Justin had fallen for Brian of all people, but Justin had once explained to him that there was more to Brian than most people knew and he had explained that Brian was a kind, loving and generous boyfriend. Over the years Emmett had come to see that Justin had been right and he had seen Brian for the person that he really seemed to be. He had seen what Justin had seemed to see in Brian and had understood why the twink had fallen for the Stud. During the short time that he had been their wedding planner, he had seen the love between those two with his own eyes and he had understood that Brian Kinney was a very complex man with many issues, but despite all that, he had loved his Sunshine more than anything. That much had been obvious to Emmett and therefore he had been more shocked than anyone else when those two had cancelled their wedding.

Now that Justin was back in Pittsburgh, Emmett had known that Justin had come back to reconcile with Brian and that his hurt and betrayal concerning Luke had been the reason to stop that from happening. If Emmett had been in Justin's shoes, he didn't think he would have ever been able to forgive Brian for what he had done, but somehow Justin had had enough love in him to forgive Brian and be happy.

Because Emmett had seen how happy Justin had been in recent weeks. The anger and pain of his first weeks back in Pittsburgh had all but disappeared and had been replaced by happiness and contentment. Emmett had been astonished by the change in the young man and when he had asked Justin about it, Justin had claimed that the love for his family was all that mattered and what had helped him and even though Emmett might not have liked it, he had just known that Justin also included Brian in that family. Brian would forever be a part of his life and if Emmett liked it or not, Justin would probably love him for as long as he lived. And if Emmett allowed himself to be honest, he knew what was going on with the man in front of him who was an absolute picture of guilt and misery.

“You love him,” Emmett stated and looked at Brian closely. He didn't even pose it as a question because he knew without a doubt that he was right.

“I tried not to, I know he deserves better... I know he doesn't need my shit...I tried so hard, but...,” the broken man muttered.

“But you love him.” Emmett ended for the man in front of him and wasn't surprised when he nodded.

Emmett nodded as well and pulled Brian up into a standing position. “Fine, it is what it is, so now we make the best of it,” the tall queen spoke in a no nonsense voice and brushed imaginary dust particles from Brian's shoulders. When Brian eyed him in confusion, Emmett explained some more what he was talking about.

“You love him and for some reason I don't understand, he also loves you. Still, after everything you have put him through. That means, he must think you worthy of his forgiveness and love. So you better not disappoint him and break his heart again.” Emmett pulled a confused Brian to the curb and started hailing down a cab for him. As a cab pulled up, he turned towards Brian. “You will go home and you will sleep this off. Whatever caused this, get it out of your system. You're right about one thing: He doesn't need this shit. What he needs is a man that loves him and loves the family he has always dreamed of. If you can't be that man, leave him alone, if you think you can be that man, you better work hard to convince me. If I see him cry once because you did something to cause it, your ass is mine, Kinney!” Emmett threatened and for some reason Brian had no doubt that he meant every word. Emmett came from Mississippi, he had to have learned a trick or two there and if not, he could probably sic Drew on him who would kick his ass.

Brian nodded meekly and as he was about to get into the cab, Emmett pulled him into a bear hug. “You better not break his heart again, you hear me? Now go and get your Sunshine.” Emmett kissed his cheek once and then turned around, walking away. As he stood on the steps that led into Babylon, he turned towards the cab once more, giving a perplexed Brian a wave goodbye. “Toodles.”

***

45 minutes later the cab pulled up in front of Britin and Brian got out. He made his way into the house as quietly as he could, feeling worse than ever about how he had treated Justin earlier that night when he had left. Justin had obviously been concerned and had wanted to know what was going on and all Brian had done had been to wave him off in a not so kind, typical Kinney fashion. He had been a true asshole and with every right to be, Justin was probably beyond pissed at him right now.

Brian got himself a bottle of water from the fridge in the kitchen and then quietly made his way up to the master bedroom. He had contemplated going to Justin's room and apologising right away, but Emmett had been right, he needed to sleep this off first. He could only talk to Justin when he was sober and he knew that he would need his wits together for that conversation.

Once he lay down on his bed, he felt more drunk than he had all evening. Everything was spinning when he closed his eyes and Brian groaned, knowing that he would have the mother of all headaches the next day. With that thought in his head, he fell into a fitful sleep.

He hadn't noticed the body of the man that had been on his mind all the way back home watching him from the living-room door where the younger man had fallen asleep hours before. He also hadn't seen the relief on the young man's face that he had obviously made it back home safely.