Chapter 9

“Mr. Chanders, Daph, Em, can you give us a moment?” At their rebellious looks, Justin gave them a pleading look. “Please?”

“Fine,” Daphne huffed as she made her way outside to the patio which Brian and Justin had occupied just moments before. Emmett and her father followed her quietly, the tall queen throwing wary looks at Brian and Justin.

“I am sorry,” Justin said quietly as he looked at Brian's dejected form. He had never seen Brian so empty and miserable.

“Sorry is bullshit,” Brian just muttered his credo without much conviction.

“I know that you love Gus and Luke and I am sure that you're a good father to them and... you're right, this is not about us. This is not about my hurt or my anger or my ego, this is about Luke,” Justin said quietly, looking at the papers on the table.

“Don't ever call him an inconvenience again,” Brian hissed at Justin and Justin was momentarily taken aback by the venom in Brian's voice. “He never was and he never will be. He and Gus are the best things that have happened to me in this fucked-up life, so don't you dare call him an inconvenience.”

“Brian, I-I didn't mean it,” Justin tried to justify, but knew that was no excuse. He had spoken in his anger before thinking and deep down, if he just allowed himself to be honest for a second, he knew that he had been unfair when he had made Brian listen to his tirade. He really didn't know anything about Brian's life these past years and yet he had judged him. “I... I was...I AM angry, but you're right. This is not about me, this is about Luke. This is not about my hurt ego, this is about the well-being of our child and I am willing to put that first. Just like I should have been doing all along.”

Justin watched Brian's eyes glancing at him warily and waited for a reply. When none came, he grabbed the custody papers on the table and held them out to Brian. “Do we really need these?”

Brian clearly hadn't expected that, judging by his surprised expression. “Of course!”

“What for? I am his father. My name is on the birth certificate. That gives me the same rights as you have. What good will this custody agreement do, but cause even more tension?”

“Justin, it's to secure your access to our son.”

“You don't plan on taking it away from me, do you? The right to see him and spend time with him, I mean,” Justin said.

“No, of course not.”

“Then what do we need it for? To put a schedule in place that I can have him this Christmas and you get him next Christmas? Is that really what you want? Because... I don't...,” Justin muttered.

Brian eyed him curiously, frowning at Justin's statement. “What do you want, Justin?” Brian finally asked after several minutes of silence. And when he asked, he realised that this question should have been asked more than five years ago. Justin was right, he should have been allowed to make his own decisions.

“I want to see him and get to know him and... I guess I'll want to spend time with him,” Justin started and was encouraged when Brian nodded. “However I don't want him to be put through turmoil because of us. He doesn't know me, Brian. He only knows you and Gus and...,” Justin sighed sadly, “I am not fool enough to believe that pulling him out of his usual environment for half the week or every second weekend is in his best interest.”

“He knows you,” Brian quietly muttered.

“Wh-what? How?” And then Justin remembered how Luke had called him 'Papa' when he had been at Britin the day before. “He called me Papa. He meant me, right?”

“I've told him about you, have shown him pictures. Gus has told him stories about you. He knows who you are, Justin. I've never kept your identity from him,” Brian replied.

'No, you only kept his existence from me,' Justin angrily thought to himself, but stopped himself in time from saying that out loud. He had a feeling that he and Brian were finally communicating and he didn't want to throw that away with a careless remark.

“Why?” was all Justin could ask.

Brian shrugged. “I don't know... Really, I don't,” he continued at Justin's frown. “It...it started when he was a baby and I would tell him stories about you and us and well, I guess... I guess I have just never stopped. You're his Papa and always have been.”

“Where does he think I've been these five years?” Justin asked curiously.

“In New York, working on your art.”

“What?”

Brian shrugged. “He was a baby, then a toddler. I didn't think it mattered, so why lie to him. I've told him the truth and that's the only thing he knows.”

“Great,” Justin muttered angrily. “And now he thinks my career is more important to me than he is.”

“He is five, Justin. Way too young to have any thoughts like that.” Brian said seriously. “Right now he's way too excited about meeting you. He's been talking about you non-stop since you've left yesterday.”

“Really?” Justin couldn't believe what Brian was saying.

“Yep. He's all excited to finally do all the fun things with you that you've done with Gus and that Gus has told him about. He can't wait to be chased around by Jussy the dog,” Brian told him.

“Jussy the dog?” Justin frowned.

“Remember that one time at the munchers house when you pretended to be a dog and followed Gus around on all fours?”

Justin put a hand to his forehead and couldn't help but laugh. “Really? Gus remembers that?”

“He sure does and he has filled his brother's mind with all kinds of tales about you.”

“No pressure there,” Justin chuckled.

“I missed that sound,” Brian said in response to Justin's chuckle, but stopped himself from saying more when saw Justin's face darken.

“Don't!” Justin just said and got up. “Don't even go there.”

“Justin,” Brian started, but was once again interrupted by the young man who now stood next to the sink.

“No, Brian. Just no,” Justin angrily replied. “You could have heard that sound for five years, but you made the conscious choice to keep me away. Now live with your choice.” Justin took a deep breath before he went on.“I am doing this for Luke, Brian. Don't be mistaken about my motivations here. You were right, he should be our priority and that's what I am making him right now: My priority, but... that does not mean that we're fine. We're not. We're actually as far from being fine as we can be,” Justin sighed as he looked up at Brian from pained eyes.

“I-I am...,” Brian started, but was once again stopped by Justin's raised hand.

“Don't tell me that you're sorry. Sorry is bullshit, remember? Isn't that what you always said?”

“Justin,” Brian sighed. “Don't...”

“Brian, we're here to talk about Luke and that's it as far as I am concerned. So...,” Justin moved back to the table and sat back down, putting the custody papers to the side. “I don't need these as long as you allow me to see Luke and spend time with him,” he said calmly.

Brian eyed him, then nodded. “Okay.”

“I'll come by Britin and will spend time with him there as often as I can arrange to,” Justin went on only to be interrupted by Brian.

“You don't have to do that. You can take him to your place,” Brian offered.

“And then? What, Brian? My place doesn't have a room for him and isn't fit for a child. Someone conveniently forgot to mention to me that I should be looking for a house with some extra space when I went househunting,” Justin spat, not wanting to think about his mother.

“Don't blame her,” Brian requested quietly. “It's not her fault. She didn't have a choice.”

“There is always a choice. You're the one who taught me that lesson, so don't pretend now that she didn't have a choice.”

“She only did what she thought was best for everyone involved,” Brian tried once more.

“You know what? I am sick and tired of hearing that bullshit. Nobody took my feelings into consideration, nobody asked me what I thought was best... and you know what? Last time I looked this was my life. So excuse me for thinking I would have a right to a choice,” Justin spat angrily, glaring at Brian. Lowering his eyes to his hands, Justin muttered. “This is not helping. We're not getting anywhere this way...”

“You're right,” Brian agreed. “Let's focus on Luke and leave it at that,” Brian said in a resigned voice. “So, you can come over whenever you want. Just be aware that Luke is in preschool until 3pm.”

“Where does he go to preschool?”

“In Washington, about ten minutes by car from Britin.”

“I-I could pick him up on my way in from Pittsburgh. If that's okay with you,” Justin offered.

“Sure.” Brian nodded, before he frowned. “I'll have to talk to your mother.” At Justin's dark look, Brian explained. “She usually picks him up on Tuesday's when I am at the office and brings him to Kinnetik. I take him back home in the evening when I am done at work.”

“She can continue doing that,” Justin replied.

“But...,” Brian started, then stopped at Justin's look.

“I don't want to change his entire routine, Brian. He's five. He...we'll need time to get to know each other. Maybe... maybe it's a good thing if we're not rushing things. I don't want to change his life just because I am suddenly in the picture,” Justin explained. “Any other things I need to know?”

“The same goes for Thursday's. Only it's Debbie picking him up then and he spends the day with her at the diner until I pick him up,” Brian answered.

“At the diner?” at Justin's raised eyebrow Brian couldn't help but shrug.

“What can I say? The more colourful the people around him, the more entertained our son is,” Brian explained.

“So... can I pick him up tomorrow?” Justin asked hesitantly, not looking at Brian, but his hands as he asked the question.

“Sure. I'll let the school know that you'll pick him up and will add you to the list of approved people to pick him up.”

“Okay,” Justin nodded. “And we scratch this?” He asked with a look at the custody papers.

“If that's what you want, yes.”

“I... I think we should be fine without... As long as we make sure that Luke stays our priority.”

Brian only nodded at that and then got up. “Well, I guess that's that. I'll see you tomorrow then. I'll have Ted text you the details of Luke's school.”

And with that Brian left the kitchen and the house.