Chapter 14

It had been three days now since their long night of talking and as far as Justin was concerned, they were doing okay, he thought to himself as he was on his way to Gus' school to pick up Gus. Ever since their long overdue conversation he and Brian had managed to not kill each other or more like Justin had managed not to kill Brian when they were in the same room and had even managed to have civil conversations with each other – with and without the children present. Justin knew that it would still take some time and work from either of them to really become friends in the truest sense of the word, but he had never expected that to happen overnight. Too much had happened in the last six years and he and Brian had different ways of dealing with that and working through this mess. However they had both found ways to deal with it on their own and were slowly beginning to move on. Justin also had the feeling that their new friendship was having a positive effect on Gus and Luke, but maybe he was just imagining that. Or maybe he just wanted it to be true even though it wasn't.

Justin waited for a couple of minutes outside Gus' school, until the boy came up to the car with a confused frown on his face. “Where's dad?”

'Lovely greeting,' Justin thought to himself, but then remembered whose son he was talking to. Straight to the point, no time wasted on unnecessary politeness. At times Gus was so much like Brian, it was scary. He could only wonder if Luke would turn out to be that much like either of them as well. That might be scary as they both had more bad traits than Justin cared to think about and name.

“He was caught up in a conference call that got delayed, so I offered to get you. I hope that's okay,” Justin offered in way of explanation to the small boy that was just fastening his seatbelt.

“Sure...whatever,” Gus just muttered, before turning to look out the window.

“How was your day? Did you have fun?” Justin tried to engage the boy in a conversation.

“Yeah, it was nice,” Gus muttered, never looking away from the window of the car.

Justin sighed to himself, then started the car and made his way back to Britin, resigning himself to a quiet drive back. They had just left the school grounds, when the silence in the car was broken by Gus's quiet voice.

“Will you leave Luke like you left me?” There was no accusation in Gus' voice, just a silent question that he had asked. Justin was so shocked by that question however, that he had to stop the car at the side of the road. He counted to ten before he turned around in his seat and looked at Gus in the back of the car.

“Why would you ask that, Gus?”

Gus just shrugged. “I want to know. You left before and Luke really loves you, he would be very sad if you left again.”

Justin eyed the boy, who looked so much like Brian, that Justin's breath got stuck for a second. Like a hurt Brian. The pain in Gus' eyes, the way he hung his head, avoiding to look at Justin at all, Justin had no problems imagining a young Brian to look exactly the same.

“What about you?” Justin asked, somehow having a feeling that this was not about Luke, but about Gus himself. About Gus preparing himself for what could possibly be more pain and disappointment in his young life.

Gus just shrugged once more. “I will be fine. I am already ten, but Luke is still small. He won't be as fine as I am.”

“It's good to know that you're looking out for your little brother,” Justin smiled gently at Gus. “I really love that and it makes me happy to know that Luke has you for a brother. You're a good boy, Gus. The best brother anyone could wish for.”

Justin had meant every word of what he had said and had to smile to himself when Gus looked up at him with wide eyes. “Really?”

“Really,” Justin confirmed with as much conviction as he could get into his voice. “Luke is so lucky to have you and your daddy is also lucky to have you around and,” Justin took a deep breath before he continued,”I hope that one day you'll allow me to be one of those lucky people again as well.”

Pained, hazel eyes met gentle, blue eyes.

“Not if you leave again.”

“I don't intend to,” Justin whispered. “I promise you, Gus. There is nothing, absolutely nothing that will ever pull me away from you and Luke ever again. I-I am sorry about what happened and I am sorry about not being there for you and Luke before, but sometimes,” Justin frowned, wondering how he was supposed to explain what had happened to a ten year old boy, “sometimes things happen that are out of our control and then other people make decisions for us. Not always the best decisions and not always the right decisions, but there is nothing we can do but live with them. Which is what happened. Someone else made the decisions for me, Gus and my fault was that I allowed them to do so and for that I am sorry. More sorry than you'll ever know.”

At that point Justin was interrupted by Gus. “Was it Daddy?”

Justin frowned and looked at Gus. “Why would you think that?”

Gus shrugged. “He said he had done something bad to you and that you were angry at him because of what he had done. That's why you argued with him when you came to Britin. Daddy said you were angry at him because he had done something bad and that's why you would only ever stay with us for some time and not all day. That it was his fault.”

Justin had listened to all Gus had said and didn't quite know how to respond to that. What was he supposed to say? “Gus, I... you're right, but... it's complicated. It wasn't only your Daddy, but... he's right, he did something bad, but... that's in the past and we can't change it anymore.” Justin tried to smile when he continued. “Now I am back, though, making my own decisions and my first decision was to be the best father you and Luke can hope for, a father you and Luke can be proud of and can love.”

Gus' eyes had widened to almost comical proportions at the end of Justin's speech. “Y-you want to be my father, too?”

Justin smiled gently and nodded at the boy, a boy so hurt and insecure that it pained Justin's heart. He could only imagine what Gus had been through. Brian had told him bits and pieces about the kidnapping and the subsequent custody trial, but he hadn't really mentioned what effects all of that had had on Gus, though Justin had no doubt that there had been effects. How could a small boy go through losing his mothers, moving to another country to be with his father and brother and not be affected by all that? “I'd love to be your father, too, Gus. I love you and have loved you since the night you were born. And even though I haven't seen you in recent years, I've always loved you and thought about you constantly. I'd love to not only be Luke's Papa, but yours as well.”

Gus pulled in his bottom lip and Justin knew he was biting on it. Once again a trait that was so Brian and that Gus had obviously inherited from him. It was clear that he was contemplating what Justin had said.

“Do I have to decide immediately?” Gus asked after several minutes of silence.

Justin chuckled at that. “No, you don't have to. Take all the time you need. And I won't be angry if you say no. It's your decision, Gus. Just know that I love you and Luke more than anything and from this day on, I will never ever do anything that will hurt either of you,” Justin promised.

“Do you swear?”

“If you want me to, sure. I swear that I will never ever do anything to hurt either you or Luke and I will never leave either of you again. I will always be there for you, as your father, your friend, your uncle or whatever you want me to be,” Justin said seriously, holding up his hand to undermine his vow.

“Okay,” Gus nodded, before seriously adding. “I'll let you know when I decide.”

“I can't wait,” Justin said honestly, smiling his trademark Sunshine smile at the boy. “Ready to go home? Your daddy and Luke must be waiting for us.”

Gus nodded eagerly and Justin was glad when he also saw a smile appear on the younger boys' face. Maybe he and Brian weren't the only ones moving on from the past, maybe he and Gus could, too.

***

Later that evening, Brian asked Justin to stay for a bit longer as there was something he had to talk to him about. Justin frowned, but agreed to stay and listen to what Brian had to say.

They sat at the kitchen island, each having a bottle of beer in front of them.

“I have to go to Chicago for business. Leo Brown demands a meeting,” Brian said, getting straight to the point, just like Justin had expected. With Brian there was no mincing of words or thinking about how to best say something. Brian always got straight to the point which was something that Justin actually admired about him. Whether you liked what he had to say or not, Brian didn't care. He just got what he needed to say out and then it was for everyone else to deal with it.

“You're still doing Brown Athletics?” Was the first thing that came to Justin's mind. Brown Athletics had been with Brian from the very beginning of Kinnetik and to still be with Kinnetik so many years later was kinda surprising in the advertising world.

“There's no reason for him to leave, in fact he would be stupid to even consider it. He knows that he's getting edgy, modern ads from us, the best any agency could offer. Why would he leave?”

“Quite confident of yourself, huh?” Justin couldn't help but chuckle.

“I am the best at what I do. Everyone knows that. Why should I be modest about it?” Brian frowned and for a second Justin wondered if Brian was seriously contemplating his own question, before he realised that Brian was only teasing him.

“Yeah, why indeed,” Justin rolled his eyes. “So, when will you have to leave?” Justin asked, returning to Brian's original announcement.

“Late Sunday evening. I'll be in meetings Monday and Tuesday and hopefully back by Wednesday evening.”

“Okay,” Justin nodded. “Are you taking Gus and Luke with you?”

He wouldn't be surprised if Brian did. Brian adored his sons and even in the short time that he had been back, Justin had noticed how much Brian hated to be apart from them, which was probably why Brian was telling him about his upcoming business trip, so Justin would know that the boys would be out of town with him.

Brian shook his head in reply. “No, Gus has school and I don't want him to miss any days for one of my business trips.”

“So...how do you normally organise your business trips?” Justin raised an eyebrow, having an idea who would be taking care of Gus and Luke while Brian was away and he wasn't sure if he liked his suspicion.

“Usually Gus and Luke stay with your mom or Debbie, while I am out of town. It's only ever for a couple of days at the most and the boys love spending time with their grandmas as do they.”

Justin had feared that answer and at the same time absolutely expected it. When he heard Brian's explanation he just nodded.

“However... Now, things are different, so... I,” Brian stopped and Justin wondered if he was really seeing and hearing what he thought he was hearing. Brian Kinney was nervous. Because Justin was sure that was what was happening as he watched Brian and waited for him to continue. He wondered if Brian's nervousness had something to do with Justin's reaction to whatever he wanted to say.

“I thought we should discuss it together,” Brian ultimately got out in one rush and Justin couldn't help but snort at Brian's nervous expression. “What?” Brian asked annoyed.

“That was hilarious,” Justin laughed, looking at Brian from twinkling eyes.

“I am glad you're amused,” Brian muttered, before he took a sip from his beer.

Justin eyed him and immediately became serious again, maybe laughing at Brian hadn't been the best idea. Obviously Brian was really nervous about Justin's reaction.

“I am not making fun of you,” Justin started, and went on when he saw Brian's doubtful gaze. “It's just that I've never seen you so nervous and … the whole situation just seemed hilarious. I am sorry. I shouldn't have laughed.”

“It's not like I've done this before, so of course I am nervous,” Brian defended himself, still eyeing Justin warily.

“You're scared of my reaction,” Justin said matter-of-factly, knowing that he was right. Whatever Brian was nervous about had to do with Justin's possible reaction to his announcement. “Though I don't really know why. What do you expect me to do?”

“Well, you could yell at me for putting my business first and not making the boys my priority or this could turn into a huge fight about what to do with them while I am away,” Brian sighed, taking another sip from his beer.

“Brian,” Justin got up from his place at the kitchen island and walked over to where Brian was sitting. He stood next to the brunet and eyed him seriously. “I meant what I said to you. We're in this together and I am not here to cause trouble or make things any more difficult than they need to be. I am not a small child anymore. I know how business works and I know that sometimes your job will take you away from Pittsburgh for business trips. That's part of what you do and I've known that for years and years. And you doing what you need to do for your job doesn't make you a bad father or means that you're neglecting Gus and Luke. Quite on the contrary, I know how hard you're working to make sure that they have everything they could wish for and how you make sure they have absolutely everything in life.”

Brian heard the seriousness in Justin's voice and knew without a doubt that Justin had meant every word of his little speech. After several seconds of silence, he nodded in acceptance of what Justin had said.

Once Justin was sure that Brian had taken his words to heart and listened and believed in them, he moved back to his own seat at the kitchen island. “So, what are our options here?”

“You could come here and stay with the boys, while I am in Chicago or they could come and stay with you at your place, or...” Brian started, but didn't finish his sentence, leaving it hanging in the air.

“Or they can spend some days with the grandmas,” Justin finished for him.

“I figured we might rather want to avoid that,” Brian pointed out.

“Why?” Justin asked in confusion.

“The last time I checked you weren't talking to your mom and Debbie and having the boys spend three days with them might lead to you not seeing them for three days. I wasn't sure that was what you wanted.”

“It's not,” Justin agreed.

“So, the way I see it, you either stay here or they come with you to your place.”

Justin just shook his head at that. “That won't work.”

At Brian's frown, Justin elaborated. “When I came back, I wasn't looking for a place that could house two children. I was looking at studio space and space for myself and that's what my house is. Nothing more, nothing less. However it's not a house for a family or for small boys.”

“I am sorry,” Brian started, once again feeling his guilt creep up on him. If only he had let Justin know about his son earlier, then Justin wouldn't have had to buy a place that was not suitable for a child.

Justin just waved Brian's apology away, not ready to get into that discussion once again, only days after their big talk. “It is what it is and I wouldn't feel comfortable taking them there for several days.”

“You could stay here,” Brian offered. “There are several guestrooms to choose from.”

Justin once again shook his head. The thought of staying at Britin over night scared him. He had only ever slept at Britin once before and that had been in Brian's arms in front of the fireplace after Brian had proposed to him and he had accepted Brian's proposal. That had been one of the happiest nights of his life and under their current circumstances the emotions and memories were still too raw and painful for Justin and Justin didn't think he was ready to face them yet. “No,” he silently said without elaborating further.

Brian eyed his former partner and studied him closely. He was no fool and even though he might not have been an expert on emotions and feelings, he still knew what was going through Justin's head that moment. Justin's emotions were openly displayed on his face, for everyone to see and Brian wasn't blind to them. He saw them and he understood them and he had vowed to himself days ago when they had had their conversation that he would accept Justin's feelings. He had ignored them for years and it had broken them apart and destroyed them. He wouldn't make the same mistake again. If Justin wasn't ready to stay here at Britin, then Brian wouldn't push him.

“So, what do we do then?”

Justin took a deep breath and met Brian's enquiring gaze. “I think the boys should stay with Mom and Debbie like they always do.” As Brian was about to reply to that, Justin just held up his hand, urging him to be quiet and let him go on with his own thoughts. “You said they love spending time with their grandmas and I am sure mom and Debbie would love spending time with them. I know that... my presence here has cut into their time with their grandsons.”

Justin wasn't stupid and he knew that he was right in his assumption. If he hadn't been at Britin day in and out to spend time with his son and Gus, he was sure his mom and Debbie would have been over several times a week to see their grandchildren. In fact, he was so sure that they would have been there anyway, with him present or not, that he even suspected that Brian might have asked them to stay away on his behalf. A thought that at the same time made him kinda happy, but also annoyed him. Happy because it meant that Brian was taking his feelings into consideration and was thinking about how he was doing in all of this, but also angry, because it meant that Brian put his well-being before the boys'. After all both boys loved their grandmas and Justin was sure they missed seeing both his mom and Debbie. And he distinctly remembered Brian mentioning at Debbie's that each grandmother would have the boys for an afternoon per week. Something that hadn't happened in weeks because Justin had been at Britin day in and out.

“Justin,” Brian started and instinctively Justin knew what Brian was about to say.

“I can't avoid them forever, Brian. What I said to you also goes for them: I don't want my problems with them to affect Luke and Gus. I am sure that the boys miss both of them and that they love and adore their grandmas. I don't want to be in the way of that. I'll need to find a way to deal with either of them and... maybe this is the push I need to actually do that.”

“Only if you want that. There is no need to rush, Justin. They understand,” Brian said quietly.

“They might, but what about Luke and Gus? Do they?”

At Brian's silence, Justin nodded to himself. He had known the answer to his question himself and Brian had only confirmed it. “They really should spend a couple of days with Mom and Deb and...,” Justin took a deep breath, before he looked up at Brian's warm gaze. “I can go and see them there. It will save me the commute out of town and will give us all a way to figure something out for the future.”

Brian knew that a discussion would be futile and that Justin had made up his mind, no matter what he might want to reply to what the younger man had said, so in the end, he agreed with Justin's point of view, knowing that it was really the only thing he could do.