Chapter 29

Several hours later, as both boys had been in bed for quite some time, Justin wondered where Brian had disappeared to. He hadn't seen the older man since he had left Gus' bedroom two hours earlier. Justin felt slight anger build inside of him, Brian had promised him that they would talk and now he was hiding from Justin. If he didn't want to talk to him, he should just say so and Justin would leave him alone. The fuck if he cared what had gotten into Brian this time.

Justin chided himself for his own anger and sighed as he made his way up to his bedroom. Of course he cared, who was he fooling? He would always care about Brian and something was definitely eating at the older man and Justin had a feeling it had something to do with him. Brian had been acting weird ever since Justin had woken up and had seen him standing in his bedroom the day before. Things had been fine the night before when they had prepared the boys' presents for the next morning, so something had to have happened over night to make Brian act weird. And Brian had acted weirdly. He had avoided eye contact with Justin all day long, had hardly spoken more than two words with him and had disappeared for a long time in the afternoon when they had had their family over to celebrate Christmas together.

At first Justin had just blamed Brian's usual dislike of Christmas, but the longer he had thought about it, the less it made sense. Brian had seemed almost excited for Christmas in the days leading up to the holiday and when they had gotten the presents for their sons ready, Brian had been ecstatic and couldn't stop describing to Justin how much their sons would love Christmas and their presents. If it had been Brian's usual dislike of Christmas, Justin assumed, he would have noticed it way earlier than Christmas Day.

Sighing once again, knowing that he wouldn't get any answers that night and probably never judging by Brian's reluctance to talk to him, he made his way up to the floor that led to his studio and bedroom. As he was about to enter his bedroom, he frowned when he saw a light shining through the doorway of his studio. Had he left on the light in his studio? He frowned as he hadn't even been in the studio all day, as far as he could remember. Being utterly confused by the light being on in his studio, he wondered if maybe Gus and Luke had come up here without him allowing them to do so. They had both been told that they were more than welcome to join him whenever he was working in his studio, but that they were not to go in on their own as there were too many expensive paintings and materials around. And so far both boys had followed that rule and had only ever entered the studio with Justin at their side.

Opening the door, Justin stopped in his tracks when he saw Brian standing in front of the painting Justin and the boys had done for him of them all having dinner together. Justin saw the tension in Brian's shoulders and saw the pained expression on his face as he slowly made his way over to the older man.

Brian obviously hadn't noticed Justin's arrival and continued staring at the painting with an almost obsessed stare. Not wanting to scare the brunet, Justin quietly called out his name.

“Brian?”

Justin saw the moment Brian realised that he wasn't alone any longer as his shoulders tensed even more. He quietly moved to stand next to Brian and looked at the painting as well.

“I will get rid of it tomorrow,” he announced in a voice that was merely above a whisper.

Brian's head whipped around and looked at Justin in obvious surprise. “What? Why?”

“You obviously don't like it.”

“I love it,” Brian said sincerely and even though Justin couldn't quite understand Brian's strong reaction to the painting, he believed his words. He heard the honesty in them.

“That's not the impression I am getting,” he whispered, looking at the painting himself. He had loved how carefree and happy they all appeared during their dinners together and he had thought that he had done a good job of capturing that on the canvas. He didn't often congratulate himself on having created masterpieces, as he didn't see his art that way, but this painting had been a true masterpiece to him and he had been incredibly proud when it had been finished. This painting meant the world to him and that was probably why Brian's weird reaction to it hurt even more. He could live with people criticising his art and not liking it, that was part of putting his art out there, but he didn't know if he could live with Brian obviously not liking something he and his sons had created together as a present for him.

“I do, it's absolutely amazing,” Brian said once more. “It's speaking right to me and I wasn't prepared for that. Your art has always been breathtaking and this is no exception, Justin.”

“Then why are you being all weird about this painting?”

“I don't know,” Brian admitted after a long silence between them. He had thought about telling Justin the truth, the younger man deserved that much, but he just couldn't bring himself to admit what the painting was making him feel. He remembered what Emmett had told him the night before, how Justin didn't need his shit and Emmett had been right. Justin didn't need this and he didn't need Brian throwing his own problems at him. Therefore Brian had decided to lie. It was just easier that way. He just would have to work through this guilt on his own. It wasn't Justin's problem and he wouldn't make it his.

He hadn't expected Justin's angry reply. “Yes, you do! You're just not man enough to admit it to me. But you know what? You want to pretend, then fine, go on pretending!”

“Justin,” Brian started, but was interrupted by angry, blazing blue eyes turning on him.

“Tell me about last night. What was that about?”

“I just needed a break. I needed to get out for a bit,” Brian said quietly and once again wasn't prepared for the blond's reaction.

“You know what? You're a fucking piece of shit. You were the one to tell me that we would talk. Obviously that was a lie and you don't want to talk. Next time just tell me instead of lying to me.”

“I am not lying to you,” Brian started, but once again the angry blond interrupted.

“Yes, you are! And it's the one thing I never thought you would do, but here we are. Apparently I don't even deserve your honesty anymore. How stupid do you think I am? Do you really think I haven't noticed that this is about me? How you have acted all weird even before you got the painting? How you have avoided me all day yesterday? I am not a stupid 17-year old anymore, Brian. If you have a fucking problem with me, do me the courtesy of telling me instead of lying to my face with some bullshit made up excuses.”

After having ended his angry tirade, Justin stormed out of the studio and Brian could hear the door to his bedroom slam. He eyed the empty space that Justin had occupied just seconds before and cursed himself for once again having made the wrong decision. He should have known that Justin would see right through him, if there had ever been one person who had seen through all his bullshit, it had been Justin. Why this time should be different, he couldn't really tell himself.

Ready to face the music and make it up to the blond, Brian quietly left the studio and went to the bedroom door next to it. He knocked and spoke calmly, way more calm than he actually felt that moment.

“Justin?”

“Fuck off, Brian!” He heard from inside the room and had to chuckle despite the whole situation. Justin always got so eloquent when they were fighting. Knowing that he probably shouldn't, but still doing it anyways, he opened the door without Justin's approval and made his way into the bedroom.

He saw the blond staring out the window, turning towards him in obvious anger once he had noticed that Brian had entered his room.

“What about fuck off don't you understand?”

“I didn't mean to lie to you,” he said quietly. “I am sorry.”

“Sorry is bullshit,” Justin spat at him, not moving away from his space by the window.

“It's not. Not when you mean it and I do.”

“So what are you sorry for?” Justin eyed the man who was still standing in his doorway.

“A lot of things, but right now? Mostly for making you this angry.”

Justin eyed the contrite looking man and frowned at the pain he heard in his voice.

“You know I can't stand lying,” Justin said with an equal amount of pain in his own voice. “You're the one person that never lied to my face, why are you starting now?”

“Justin, I am just trying to protect you,” Brian whispered, his voice hardly audible and Justin had to strain to make out Brian's words.

“Protect me? What are you protecting me from this time?”

Brian could hear the sarcasm in Justin's voice and knew that he deserved far more than that.

“You don't need this, Justin and I am sorry for pulling you into it.”

“This? What is this exactly, Brian? What are we talking about here? I don't understand,” Justin admitted, slowly making his way over to the bed and plopping down on its edge.

“My shit,” Brian just replied as if it was self-explanatory.

“What shit?” Justin asked and Brian heard how the anger had left the younger man's voice and was replaced by something that sounded a lot like concern.

“Don't,” Brian retorted angrily, glaring at Justin.

“Don't what?” Justin frowned.

“Don't sound so fucking concerned.”

“Well, I am concerned. What do you want me to do about it?” Justin retorted angrily.

“You shouldn't be,” Brian said sadly, then turned around and began to walk away.

Justin jumped up from the bed and followed the older man, feeling angrier than he had in a long time. How dare Brian just run away from their conversation?

“Don't you dare walk away like that! We will talk about this, Brian!”

Brian snorted at that. “So you can run away, but I can't? That's rich.” At Justin's confused expression, Brian added. “Just ten minutes ago you ran out of the studio and ran out on me, in case you forgot.”

Justin looked thoroughly chastised and had to admit that he really had forgotten about his little queen out. The more he thought about it though, the more it amused him and a small smirk appeared on his face. “Well... nobody's perfect... Not even me.”

He slowly walked over to the brunet and looked at him from sad, blue eyes. “I know things are far from perfect and this is just proof of that, but... we're in this together, Brian. We promised each other we would figure this out together. For Luke and Gus. We owe them to try harder and I think we really need to talk about what happened. For us, but also for them. Can we do that?”

Brian looked at Justin for the longest time and all he saw was absolute sincerity in the younger man's eyes. He knew that Justin was right. His behaviour yesterday had affected not only Justin, but their sons as well and the boys deserved better from him. He knew he owed them to try harder, just like Justin had said. In the end he nodded and slowly followed Justin back into his studio. They sat side by side on the chaise that Justin had put in his studio for whenever he needed a break.

Justin ran a hand through his hair and took a deep breath. “What happened, Brian? How did we go from everything being okay two days ago to this?” Justin knew that they hadn't really been okay by most peoples' standards, but under their circumstances, they had been doing pretty okay or at least he had thought so.

Brian sighed deeply before he replied. “It's me, Justin. I am working through some shit and I am sorry you got pulled into it. I am sorry it destroyed your Christmas. I know how excited you were for your first Christmas with the boys and you have no idea how sorry I am that I destroyed that for you. I didn't mean to, you have to believe me.”

“What shit?” Justin asked with obvious concern.

“It's my shit, Justin. You don't need any more of that, I'll just have to work through this on my own.”

“Why don't you let me decide that? We talked about this, Brian. I am an adult and I make my own decisions. I don't need you to decide for me. You said that I didn't need any more of your shit, but you didn't ask me about my opinion. We're in this together, Brian. We promised each other to be friends. So if there is shit you need to work through, why don't you let me help? We're a family, Brian and families deal with shit together.”

“This is different,” Brian muttered.

“Why? Because it concerns me? Don't you think that's even more reason to let me know what all this is about?”

When Brian tried to protest, Justin held up his hands, urging him to stay quiet and let him finish. “I meant it, Brian. I am not that same naive 17-year old boy. I know that whatever is going on right now is because of me. I even have a pretty good idea what is going on in your head, but I want to hear it from you yourself.”

When Brian didn't reply to that, Justin just eyed him. “You have been acting weird since you came to wake me up yesterday morning. I know what you found when you came in. Luke being in there with me and I know that it can't have been easy to know that he came to me instead of you like he did all those years before. I get it, you're jealous and that's absolutely normal, Brian.”

Justin stopped when Brian actually snorted at his explanation of what he thought was going on.

“I am not jealous,” Brian just retorted.

At Justin's dubious frown, Brian took a deep breath, bracing himself for what he needed to tell the man next to him. He knew that lying was not an option, Justin deserved better from him and in any case Justin would look right through his lies anyway, just like he had done earlier.

“It's honestly not about jealousy,” Brian assured the younger man once more. “You're right, something happened when I saw Luke there with you, but it wasn't jealousy. I-I came to wake you up because Gus was growing impatient to open his presents and when you didn't reply to my knocking, I figured that you might be in the bathroom, so I opened the door. I know I shouldn't have and should have respected your privacy, but I just wanted to tell you to hurry up. When I opened that door, I saw you and Luke in that bed and you both looked so peaceful. You both had content smiles on your faces and the way Luke was cuddling close to you and how you were holding him close in a protective hug... seeing that did something to me. I couldn't tear my eyes away from the sight and the longer I watched you two sleeping, the longer I saw how content and happy you were, the more I realised that I am the cause for both of you losing out on that for five years. As I watched you, I thought about what a happy boy Luke has always been and I couldn't help but think how much happier he could have been, if I hadn't been such an ass and hadn't kept you two separated. I know that I hurt you and I will never forgive myself for that, but call me stupid or selfish or whatever, but yesterday was the first time I realised how much I didn't only hurt you, but how much I also hurt Luke and...you're right, I was avoiding you after that. I couldn't stand you looking at me when I had hurt our son so badly...”

Justin eyed the man next to him and his heart was breaking for him, the more he went on. By now silent tears were running down Brian's cheeks and Justin could see the pain the man was going through.

“I only ever wanted to be a good father. I wanted my sons to be happy and have everything I never had growing up, but... I am no better than Jack or Joan. I hurt them just like they hurt me. What kind of father does that make me? And how am I supposed to face you, when all you do is love them and be there for them whenever they need you?”

“Brian,” Justin began quietly, looking at the broken, crying man next to him. “You're nothing like Jack and Joan. Don't ever say that...You would never do anything to hurt your sons like they hurt you and you might not see it, but Luke and Gus are the happiest kids I have ever seen. And they're that happy because of you. Because you're a great father to them. They both love and adore you and every time I look at them and see them smile, I know it's because you did such a great job with them these last years. Don't you ever compare yourself to your parents ever again. You're nothing like them, Brian.”

“Why do you do that?” Brian asked through his tears as he looked at Justin from wide eyes.

“Why do I do what?”

“Defend me. Even now. After all I have done to you and put you through. You should hate me, not defend me,” Brian spat, burying his head in his hands.

“Is that what you want me to do? To hate you?” Justin asked sadly.

“It's what I deserve,” Brian muttered through his hands and Justin could see that his shoulders were shaking even stronger now and the man was sobbing now. Justin had never seen Brian like this before and it scared him slightly, but in the end, he did the only thing he could think of and wrapped his arms around the sobbing man, holding him close. He felt Brian tense even more, which only made Justin hold him closer. In the end Justin felt Brian stop fighting him and felt him relax into the hug. He held the crying man close and allowed him his tears, feeling how his own tears ran down his cheek.

“You need to stop punishing yourself, Brian. You need to let go of this,” Justin whispered, holding the older man tight in his arms. “I need you to let go of this.”

“I can't... ,” Brian hiccuped through his tears.

“Then we need to find a way together, Brian. You can't go on like this. It's hurting you and it's hurting our family.”

“I deserve that,” Brian only muttered again.

Justin pulled back from their hug and made Brian look at him. His voice was serious when he spoke. “I have forgiven you a long time ago, Brian. You only need to forgive yourself now.”

“You shouldn't have,” Brian said, turning away from the warmth and concern he saw in Justin's eyes.

“Why don't you let me be the judge of that? My life, my decisions, remember?” Justin said quietly, as he forced Brian to look at him once again. “I wanted to hate you, god you have no idea how much I wanted to hate you and wanted to lash out at you when I first found out. I wanted to rip you apart and feed you to the wolves and that was one of the nicer things running through my head at the time, but... with time I realised that this pain and hurt wasn't going to help anyone. I told you I wanted to do what was right for Luke and Gus and I tried to. I tried to move on. Whatever happened, is in the past, Brian. There is nothing you or I can do about it, no matter how much we might want to. And I am not blind to your guilt. I see it every day when you look at me.”

At Brian's surprised gasp, Justin couldn't help but chuckle. “Don't forget, I wrote the Kinney Operating Manual. I'm onto you.” He then turned serious once again. “I know how guilty you feel and if I were a lesser man, I'd say that it makes me feel better to see you suffering, that I feel vindicated knowing that I am happy and you're not, but... that's not who I am. No matter how much I might want to be and no matter how much you might think I should be that person, it's not me, Brian. It pains me to see what you're putting yourself through. I meant what I said earlier: I have forgiven you, Brian and I need you to forgive yourself.”

“How?” Brian asked, looking at the young man next to him, who was so much stronger than he ever could hope to be.

“This pain and hurt is not getting us anywhere, Brian. And with us I mean us as a family. I thought long and hard about what kind of parents I want us to be to our sons and I didn't want them to grow up with custody schedules, us fighting, tension around every corner as they grew up. So I made a conscious choice to do what I needed to do to be the best parent possible. You want to know how I forgave you? Because I've seen what an amazing father you are. I've seen you with Gus and Luke and the love you have for them and how much they love you back. And they allowed me in on that without any questions or grudges or anything. They just loved me like that and I loved them like that and within days I realised that none of the pain and hurt mattered when I had their love. Why spend hours and hours thinking about all the bad things, when I could just think about their love for me? I forgave you, because I have received something far more important from you than pain and hurt.” At Brian's confused expression, Justin smiled gently. “You gave me the family I always wanted and dreamed of. How could I hate you after that?”

“I hurt you worse than anyone could, I don't deserve your forgiveness,” Brian answered in anguish.

“Yes, you did. And forgiving does not mean that I will ever forget, but hanging on to that hurt isn't doing us any good. For better or worse we are a family, Brian. We have two sons who depend on us and if we want to be the best parents we can be to them, we need to let go of that hurt. I did, because I try to focus on the good this family has given me, but I need you to do that too. I can't do this if you're carrying around this huge guilt with you. I can't look into your eyes and know that I am putting the pain there that I see. And I see it, Brian. I am not blind to it,” Justin whispered.

“You're not putting it there,” Brian contradicted, not sure where Justin had gotten that idea. Justin had been beyond amazing in his forgiveness and how he had adapted to their family life, how could he think he was hurting Brian?

“Yes, I am. By just being here... If I weren't here, you wouldn't feel guilty and....,” Justin took a deep breath. “I know that you feel that guilt every time you look at me and the boys. I see it in your eyes. If I weren't here, you wouldn't feel guilty, so it's me putting it there,” Justin reasoned.

“That's bullshit. You can't honestly believe that,” Brian exclaimed.

“I do, Brian and nothing you say will make me think otherwise.” Justin took one of Brian's hands in his and held on tight. He couldn't help but smile when he saw Brian's widened eyes watching their hands. “We owe it to Luke and Gus that we work through this. And I believe that we can. We've made it through so much already, we can do this, too.” Justin entwined their fingers and looked at Brian from shining eyes. “I believe we can be the family that I always dreamed of. I know we can be,” Justin corrected himself and at Brian's hopeful gaze, he nodded. “But I need you to do your part as well, Brian. I have forgiven you, now I need you to forgive yourself, so we can really move on. As the family we always should have been.”

Justin finished that last sentence as a whisper, but Brian had heard him loud and clear and his heart was thumping like crazy in his chest. Here this amazing man was sitting next to him, a man he had hurt so badly, and he was telling him that he wanted them to move on together. Because that was what Justin had said. He wanted them to be together, so they could be the family they had always been supposed to be.

“I am not sure how to do that,” Brian whispered, cursing himself for hurting Justin once more. He knew that Justin needed to hear something else from him, wanted to hear something else from him, but Brian really didn't know how to work through his guilt and if this amazing man wanted to give him another chance, he at least deserved Brian's honesty in return. He deserved to know where they were standing.

Justin nodded in sad acceptance of what Brian was saying and squeezed the larger hand in his. “Maybe...You mentioned that you had gone to therapy before...Maybe it would help here? If I can't help you, maybe someone professional can?” Justin said sincerely.

Brian contemplated what Justin had said and agreed that maybe they were past helping themselves and needed additional help to make it through this mess that he had caused. “Yeah, it's worth a shot anyway.”

“I want us to get this right, Brian,” Justin whispered, looking into deep hazel eyes as he spoke.

He felt his hand being squeezed as Brian replied. “Me, too, and I will do whatever I have to to make this right for our family.”

As Brian had spoken, he had realised that he really meant every word of what he had said. This amazing man and his sons deserved no less from him. Here Justin was giving him another shot and even though Brian might not feel like he deserved it, he knew that he wanted this so badly and he would do whatever was in his power to make this work for his family. If that included going to therapy, he would gladly do so.

Justin smiled one of his famous sunshine smiles as he looked at the man next to him, who led their entwined hands to his mouth and placed a gentle kiss on Justin's hand. “I know...”

***

They sat together on Justin's chaise in comfortable silence for what felt like hours, just enjoying the moment and the happiness from having made some decisions together concerning their future and the future of their family. Justin was the first to break the silence as he bumped his shoulder against Brian's.

“Tell me about the painting,” he quietly urged.

Brian looked reluctant to reply, but in the end answered Justin, knowing that Justin deserved to know and that they would only be able to make it if they were completely honest with each other.

“It's stunning, I really mean it,” Brian emphasised when he saw Justin's doubtful gaze. “It's just that after seeing you with Luke in the morning... it was just too much to see the painting, too. It was just too much in one day and only added to the guilt.”

“Why?”

“I am not sure I can really explain, but when I saw the painting, I immediately felt so much love, contentment and happiness in that scene and it was reaching out to me and engulfing me more the longer I looked at it and... after getting myself all worked up about you and Luke earlier that day, I had just gotten it in my head that I didn't deserve to be a part of that and...your expression really got to me,” Brian whispered the last part.

“My expression? Why?” Justin frowned, looking over at the painting and his own expression. “What about it?”

“You looked so happy and content and I couldn't fathom how you could with me being in the picture, too... I know that Luke and Gus make you happy, but I was part of that painting and I felt like you shouldn't be happy with me being in the picture...”

“Because I should hate you?” Justin asked.

Brian only nodded in reply and Justin quietly nodded too. He looked at his painting for the longest time. “I redid myself three times, you know?”

“Why?”

Justin shrugged in reply. “I was never really happy with what I saw. I started with me because it was hardest for me. I mean... I've been painting and sketching you all my life, I've done hundreds of sketches of Gus and by the time we started on this painting, I had also done several sketches of Luke, but I had never done a sketch or a painting of myself. It was the first time I was trying at a self-portrait, really. And it's damn hard, let me tell you,” Justin chuckled and was relieved when he saw Brian smile in amusement. “After I was done with my first attempt, I would look at myself for hours and I just wasn't happy with what I saw. I saw an angry and hurt man and I didn't want that to be caught in a painting for eternity. It was one of the first times that I realised that I would have to try harder to make this work. The next try a few weeks later, I was happier with. It was around Thanksgiving and when I looked at the finished version of myself, I saw contentment and even some happiness, but there was still some pain in there. I can't really explain it, but this painting kind of urged me to try harder at making this family work. It made me try harder to be happy myself, because I wanted to be just as happy as Luke and Gus were. And so I did... I tried harder and two days before Christmas, I repainted myself again. I was finally happy with what I saw on my face.”

“What about me?” Brian asked, looking at the painting. Justin had said earlier that he could see pain in Brian's eyes every time Brian looked at him, but there was no pain in his expression in the painting.

“I cheated,” Justin admitted with a small chuckle.

“Cheated?”

“I took your expression from one of your unguarded moments alone with Gus and Luke. When you thought no one was watching you. You get this carefree expression that only Luke and Gus can bring to your face.”

“Why did you paint that and not the real expression?”

Justin shrugged and looked at the painting for a long time before he answered. “I guess because that's how I see you, too.”