Chapter 17

Brian smiled at this six month old baby as Luke was giving him a loud burp. He had just finished feeding his son and couldn't help but grin madly like the proud father that he was for the amazing feat his son had just accomplished. A good and loud burp.

“There you go, sonny boy. Now that was a great one,” Brian chuckled as he gently stroked his son's head and placed a gentle kiss on his forehead.

He then settled the baby in his left arm and got himself comfortable in the rocking chair. As he usually did when Luke was about to drift off, Brian would tell him stories about himself and Justin. He didn't know why, but at one point he had started and it seemed to calm Luke and himself as well. Talking about Justin made it seem as if he was part of their lives somehow and most importantly was part of Luke's life somehow.

“Your Papa is a proud fucker, you know that? I don't think I've ever seen anyone being prouder than he is. You should have seen him every time I offered him money. He would never take it without a fight and at one time he rather went and became a go-go boy than actually just accept my money,” Brian couldn't help but snort when he thought back to that ill-fated career attempt.

“I think he always wanted me to know that he was nothing like some of my other friends. He had seen how they treated me and how they would ask for money more often than not and I think he never wanted to be like them. He never wanted to reduce what we had to the money I had. And believe me, sonny boy, even back then I had more than enough money. I would have given it all to him gladly, but he never wanted it. I don't know, maybe he really was just too proud and wanted to make it on his own, but even when he accepted to take my money in the end, he would only do it after we had gotten a written contract that specified the details of how he would pay me back.”

Brian gently looked down at his baby in his arms and smiled when Luke tried to keep his eyes open, but was obviously losing the fight, his small fists lazily reaching out for Brian's face every once in a while before they dropped back to Luke's side.

“Yeah, I know. This is not one of the most exciting stories I've ever told you about your Papa, but... I guess I just want you to know that he's a really good guy. He's got a good, smart head on his shoulders. He's someone you can be proud of to call your father and I know that you will. I am sure that one day you'll meet him and you'll see then what I am talking about,” Brian said quietly, wondering what a possible meeting between Luke and Justin would be like.

He was pretty sure that one day somehow Justin would find out that he had a son. Brian just couldn't see any way how he could keep Luke's existence a secret from Justin forever. And he wasn't sure if he even wanted to. If he was honest with himself, he had always known that Justin had a right to know about his son and even more than that he had always known that Justin would be a great father to their child. More than once Brian had regretted that things between them had ended the way they had, but he knew it had been the only way to ensure that Justin could have the career and life he deserved.

Even if Justin wasn't to find out about Luke on his own, Brian knew that one day his son would be old enough to ask him questions about his other father and would probably want to get to know his second biological parent. Early on during his pregnancy Brian had vowed to himself that he would never lie to Luke and would always tell him the truth about his second father and if Luke wanted to get to know Justin, Brian wouldn't stop him. He owed it to both his son as well as Justin. But thinking about what a meeting like that would look like kind of scared Brian.

Justin wouldn't be happy, Justin would be angry and pissed and if Brian knew him one bit, he would hate him and would never forgive him. At first that had hurt more than anything and it had nearly broken Brian's resolve to go through with his plan to have Luke on his own without Justin's involvement. In the end however, Brian had accepted that no matter what he did, Justin would hate him anyway. There was no way his pregnancy could have resulted in a happily ever after for him and the love of his life, so he had resigned himself to that and had chosen the path that would mean less pain for his baby.

If Brian had told Justin about his pregnancy and had forced him to a life he wasn't ready for, one day Justin would have left him and Luke because that life would have suffocated and in the end killed him. And then not only Brian's heart would have been broken, but his son's as well and Brian couldn't have that. Knowing that at least this way one day Luke might have the chance of a good relationship with his second father, Brian had settled on not letting Justin know about his son for now.

Whenever Justin found out about Luke, he would hopefully have an established career by then and would have the life he had always dreamed of. Brian had no illusions about how Justin would feel about him once he found out, but he hoped that Justin would have found his place in life enough to also allow some extra place for his son.

Not that Brian had any doubt about Justin's love for Luke. Whenever Justin would find out that he had a son, Brian was more than sure that Justin would love him with all his heart. Justin didn't have it in his heart to hurt anyone and the least of it his own flesh and blood. Not only because of how badly he had been treated and rejected by his own father and because he had seen what the broken relationship with Jack had done to Brian, no also because it just wasn't Justin. Justin had a big heart and in that heart there would always be a place for his offspring. Brian had no doubt about that.

The doorbell stopped Brian from going further in his musings and he shook his head to bring himself back to the here and now. He looked at the peacefully sleeping baby in his arms who only stirred slightly, but didn't wake up at the sound of the doorbell and then laid him down in his crib before heading downstairs to the door.

When he opened it, he frowned to see Lindsay stand outside.

“Lindsay? What are you doing here?”

They had kind of made up after the whole Child Protective Services story and as Brian had promised her, he had been civil with her the two weekends Gus had been down to stay with him, but more than that, they hadn't really interacted much in the last four weeks since that conversation.

“I wanted to talk to you,” the blonde replied cheerfully and didn't wait for Brian to call her inside, but just brushed past him.

“I repeat myself: What are you doing here? Why aren't you in Toronto?”

Gus had only been over for a weekend visit three days ago and Lindsay was supposed to be back in Toronto with his son.

“Is Gus with you?”

“Gus is home with Mel and JR. I just came down for a day to finish up some business dealings for Mel and I,” she replied smoothly as she sat down on his sofa in his living-room.

“Then why are you here? At Britin?” Brian frowned.

“Like I said, I wanted to talk to you,” she said, patting the spot next to her on the sofa, urging Brian to sit down with her.

“What about? If this is about Gus' visits, the schedule will stay as it is,” Brian said immediately, not even wanting to give her the chance to request that Gus came down for less visits or shorter visits or whatever.

“No, this is not about Gus. He's happy coming here and staying with you and Luke. Why would I take that away from him?”

Brian felt relief course through him at the same time as confusion. If this was not about Gus, then what was it about?

“Then talk,” Brian urged as he sat down on the sofa next to the one Lindsay was sitting on.

“When have you last spoken to Michael?”

Brian had expected a lot of things, but not that.

“Excuse me?”

“It's an easy enough question, isn't it?”

“Why does it matter?”

“Brian,” Lindsay said in her haughty voice that Brian also always found to be very patronising. A voice that annoyed the hell out of him. “He's your oldest friend, your best friend.”

“He hasn't been my best friend in almost a year and as for being my oldest friend, things change.”

“Brian...,” Lindsay sighed, before she looked at him intently. “He regrets what he did. He is sorry for what happened and... I am sorry too. I feel bad for what we did and so does he.”

“And why are you telling me that?” Brian wondered why Michael, if he really felt that bad about reporting him to Child Protective Services wasn't apologising to him directly. “I haven't had a single call or message from him ever since that whole shit went down. He can't feel too bad.”

“Brian, you know Michael. You know that he has a hard time accepting when he did something wrong and... he doesn't always know how to apologise,” Lindsay started and Brian could only snort.

“So now he's sending you to do it for him?”

“No, he's not. I am merely... trying to get you to be more receptive for him.”

“What the fuck?”

“Brian, he's your oldest and best friend and I know that things haven't been good between you, but... do you really want to lose him? Like this? When you've already lost Justin,” Lindsay pointed out.

“Don't pull Justin into this,” Brian gritted out. He felt his anger rise.

“Brian, I know that this last year hasn't been easy on you and it hasn't been easy on Michael either. So many things in your life have changed and... we both know that he has a hard time with change. We always knew it. Yes, he made mistakes and yes, he treated you badly, but... do you really want to lose him and his friendship forever? Don't you miss him?”

“Lindsay, Michael and I haven't been on the same page in forever. We haven't been good friends in a long time.”

“But you wanted him to be your best man,” Lindsay pointed out.

“Which was mostly for nostalgic reasons and as we both know, never happened anyway.”

“Brian, I think you should talk to him,” Lindsay urged. “You are both fathers now, surely that is something you can bond over.”

Brian raised an eyebrow at her and frowned. “You do realise that I have been a father to YOUR son for six years now.”

“But Brian, you never really were a father to him. You were merely dropping in every now and then and continued living your life in the way you always wanted. Only when you became pregnant did you become a real father to him.”

Brian listened to her words and as much as they hurt, he knew that she was right. With Gus he had mostly only dropped in every once in a while when it had fit his schedule and hadn't really been a full-time father. Hell, he had even signed away his rights to his sonny boy. He couldn't really argue Lindsay's point there.

“Not that I am blaming you and Gus always loved you and loves you even more now. And he adores Luke, but... don't you think that maybe now you and Michael have more in common than a year ago?”

“What is it that you really want, Lindsay? Get to the point.”

“I want you to talk to Michael and see what you can salvage of your friendship. It pains me to see you lose not only Justin, but Michael as well. And... there is still a chance to salvage that friendship between you two. You can still save it.”

“How?” Brian asked in a small voice and hated himself for his voice betraying him. Because Lindsay was right, it hurt to have lost both Justin and Michael at the same time and Brian often felt lonely without the two most important people of his life around. Yes, Luke took up a huge part of his time now and Deb and Jennifer and Ted had really stepped up and become important people in his and his son's life, but it just wasn't the same as having your life-long best friend around. He did miss Michael, even if they might not have had that much in common at the end of their friendship. Just the knowledge of their 20-year friendship going down the drain made Brian incredibly sad. Could he really forget about a 20-year friendship without fighting for it? Because they had different views on life? Lindsay was right, he had changed and Michael had never been good with change, maybe he really needed to give Michael more time to accept all the things in his life that had changed in the last year.

Did he really want to throw away whatever might still be between them just because he didn't want to give Michael the time he needed to accept the things that had changed?

“Meet with him. Talk to him. Quietly, without yelling. Just explain to him what has changed and try to make him understand.”

“I am not even sure if he would want to see me. Not after what I said to him,” Brian sighed.

“He wants to. I've talked to him and asked him and Brian, he wants to save whatever can be saved of your friendship.”

“Are you sure?” Once again Brian cursed the insecurity in his voice.

“If you want to, he's waiting for you at the diner at 3pm,” Lindsay said seriously, looking at Brian.

“I... I can't. Luke is taking his afternoon nap and... I can't just wake him up.”

“Brian, I can watch him,” Lindsay offered and Brian eyed her curiously.

“I don't think that's a good idea,” he muttered, thinking back to the time he had found Lindsay holding his son and telling him what a great mother she would be to him.

“Brian... I know what you think, but really? I am a mother, I know how to take care of a baby and it would only be watching him for an hour or two, right? And, I don't think it would be a good idea to bring Luke along to your talk with Michael. Don't you think it will be easier on Michael if it's just the two of you? Brian and Mikey, the way you've always been?

I just want you to give your friendship with Michael another try. Just think about Gus and JR. What will Christmas be like for them if you and Michael don't talk to each other? Or other family celebrations. Do you want them to always have to live with the tension between you and Michael?” Lindsay batted her eyes for good measure and the mention of Gus and JR got Brian to think.

He didn't want his son and his sister to grow up in a family filled with tension. And there would be tension if he didn't try to salvage his friendship with Michael. Wasn't it his duty to try everything he could to make sure that his son and JR could grow up happily? Even if it involved trying to patch up things with Michael?

“No, I don't want that,” Brian said quietly, his voice deathly serious. And maybe she was right, maybe meeting without Luke would be easier on Michael. Michael had always wanted it to be just the two of them without anyone around. Maybe talking without Luke present would be the key to get through to him.

“Then go and talk to him. I'll watch Luke for a couple of hours and I promise, I'll be gone on the evening flight out back home.”

In the end Brian couldn't find any argument against what Lindsay had proposed and gave her instructions of how to take care of Luke while he was gone, promising her that he would be back in time for her to make it to the airport for her flight to Toronto.

He left a quick kiss on his sleeping son's forehead, promising him to be back quickly and then made his way into Pittsburgh to the diner to meet with Michael.