Chapter 26

Brian woke up when he felt something pull at his hand. He frowned for a second and was about to turn around when he heard a small voice call out to him. “Daddy?” The voice was hardly above a whisper and sounded insecure.

Forcing himself to wake up, Brian slowly opened an eye and saw Gus standing at the side of his bed.

“Hey sonny boy, what is it?”

“I... I am sorry, Daddy,” Gus said quietly, not meeting Brian's eyes.

“Sorry? For what?” Brian quickly threw a glance at his alarm clock on his nightstand and sighed when he saw that it was only 3am. “Why are you up at this time of the night?”

“Don't be angry, Daddy,” Gus pleaded with his father as he slowly met his eyes, fear easy to see in his own big, expressive brown eyes.

“I won't be angry, Gus. You know that! But you'll have to tell me what is going on,” Brian urged his son as he slowly sat up and patted the empty space next to him on his bed, urging Gus to come over. When the boy only shook his head and refused to come over, Brian got an idea about what might be going on. After all it had happened three times already in the last week.

“Did you have another accident, sonny boy?” Brian asked as gently as he could muster at that time of the night and sighed to himself when Gus nodded, not saying anything. Leaning over to his small son, Brian put a finger under Gus' chin and made him look him in the eyes.

“Don't worry about it. We'll just get you cleaned up and into some new pajamas and then you can sleep here with me for the rest of the night. Okay?”

Gus nodded, his face slightly cheering up at the prospect of being allowed to sleep in his father's bed. “Okay, daddy.”

“Come on then,” Brian said as he grabbed Gus' hand and pulled the boy into his private en-suite where he got him out of his wet pajama and cleaned him up, before quickly getting a new one from Gus' room and dressing Gus in it. After about ten minutes the boy looked as good as new and even laughed when Brian tickled his stomach, before he picked his son up and held him close. “You don't have to be scared, okay? You just tell me and then it'll be fine. There's nothing that can't be cleaned up, alright?”

“Okay,” Gus whispered quietly, leaning closer into his father's strong chest.

Brian carried Gus over to his bed and laid him down on it, before climbing in himself and lying down next to Gus. He pulled the blanket up to cover them both and then held his sonny boy close.

“Did you have a nightmare, sonny boy?”

When Gus shook his head, Brian frowned and wondered why his son had wet the bed. It had already been the fourth time and after the first time he had assumed that Gus had to have had a nightmare which the boy hadn't contradicted at the time. When it had happened the second time, Brian had talked to Jennifer, who had advised him to get a plastic cover for the mattress as not to mess up the mattress of Gus's bed. Brian had listened to her and had bought the plastic cover, which was why he didn't care that much about Gus' little accident. He would just change the sheets tomorrow and get the cover cleaned up and then Gus' bed would be as good as new again.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, daddy,” Gus said quietly, not looking at Brian when he spoke.

The last two weeks had been hard for Gus and Brian had seen how much his son had suffered from the loss of his mothers. He had a hard time understanding why Lindsay was gone and couldn't come and see him anymore and Brian, with Blake's help had tried to explain to Gus as well as he could that his mother had done something bad and that the police had caught her doing it and now she had been punished and was in a prison. Gus hadn't quite been able to understand why she would do something bad if she knew the police were looking for bad people, but in the end Brian had only told him that he didn't understand either. He had also wondered what exactly Melanie had told Gus about Lindsay not seeing him any longer, but he didn't want to hurt Gus any more than he already was by getting into that in too much detail. He knew he had explained to Gus before about Lindsay having done something bad, but apparently it hadn't really been clear to his young son that that meant he wouldn't see his mother for a long time to come. Hopefully they had gotten through to Gus a bit more this time.

It had been harder to explain to the boy why Melanie wasn't there anymore or why Gus wasn't going back to her again. If Melanie was not in prison and could come and see him, why didn't she? Gus had asked that again and again and Brian couldn't fault his son for that logic. It just didn't make sense.

After their less than pleasant encounter in Toronto Brian had tried to contact her again twice, had wanted to convince her that even though Gus was now living with him, she could still be a part of his life, but Melanie had just ignored his calls. When Ted had had enough of her behaviour and had flown to Toronto to confront her in person, he had found her house empty and had been informed by a neighbour that Melanie and JR had left Toronto. As far as the neighbour knew, she had mentioned something about going to Florida to be closer to her family. Ted couldn't believe it. How could Melanie just leave without giving them contact details? She was Gus mother and he just couldn't understand how she could leave the boy behind like that. He had been beyond angry and hadn't looked forward to giving Brian the news of Melanie leaving for Florida.

Brian had taken it quite hard and even harder after he had told Gus that Melanie wasn't living in their house in Toronto anymore and had moved away. Seeing his small son cry for his mother, seeing him hurt and in pain broke Brian. Ever since he had become a father all he had wanted to do was be different than his parents. All he had wanted to do was be a good father and make his children happier than could be and now, due to no fault of his own his son was suffering and in pain. It made Brian angrier than he had been in a long time and if Melanie had been anywhere near, he would have probably killed her with his bare hands for all the pain she had caused his son.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Brian asked, not able to believe that he had actually asked that question. Asking someone if they wanted to talk? Even if it was his son that sentence still felt strange to him.

“Are you angry, daddy?” Gus asked when he raised his head to look at Brian.

“No, I am not angry, sonny boy. I told you. I just want to try and help.”

“I don't want you to leave as well,” Gus whispered before tears spilled from his eyes and he hiccupped in Brian's arms.

“Leave? What are you talking about?” He asked gently, carefully wiping the tears from Gus' face.

“Mommy and Mama left. I don't want you to leave me as well. I am sorry I wet the bed again, I won't do it again, but please, daddy, please don't leave as well.”

Brian's heart broke when he heard his son's plea and he didn't quite know how to respond to that. How could Gus ever think that Brian would leave him? Brian could only wonder how much damage the recent months had done to his small, innocent boy.

“Gus,” Brian replied with a voice that sounded as heavy as his heart felt. “I will never leave you. You hear me? Nothing you could do would ever make me leave you. Nothing! I love you and I will always love you and Luke and I will always be by your side, you hear me? Britin is your home now and there is no way I won't be here with you.”

“Mommy and Mama left. You can't leave as well,” Gus only hiccuped again and again and Brian felt his heart break at his son's tears. He pulled the boy close and held him tight, constantly promising him that nothing would make him leave his son's side.

After about thirty minutes of crying, Gus had finally fallen asleep in Brian's arms and Brian lay awake for a long time just watching his boy, wondering what he could do to help him make it through this.

***

“Wow, you look like shit, if you don't mind me saying,” Jennifer greeted Brian as he opened the door for her. She had a flight to New York later that day for Justin's first solo show and had wanted to come and see her grandsons before she left. She had also wanted to check in on Brian, knowing how affected he was by Gus' suffering. The poor boy had been struggling with all the changes that had happened in his young life and she knew that Brian hurt for him. If there was any way to change things, she knew Brian would do so immediately.

“And you look as lovely as ever,” Brian snarked before he led her inside to the living-room where Luke and Gus were busy building towers with the pillows from the sofa, laughing themselves silly every time a tower collapsed.

“Grandma Jen,” Gus happily exclaimed and ran over to her, hugging her tight.

Jennifer smiled at the boy and hugged him back, ruffling his auburn hair that was the exact same shade as his father's hair. “Hey, Gus. How are you doing?”

“Okay,” Gus mumbled, only letting go of Jennifer when Luke loudly demanded that his grandmother also pay attention to him.

Jennifer, being the happy grandmother that she was, obliged of course and also hugged Luke close, who giggled madly when she ruffled his hair as well.

She watched as Brian tiredly plopped down on the sofa and could easily see how tired and exhausted he was. Wanting to give him some time to himself, she took one hand of each boy and led them towards the kitchen.

“How about we make some cookies? I don't want you to starve while I am gone and we all know your daddy doesn't know how to make cookies,” she said happily, smiling to herself when Brian complained about her claiming that he couldn't make cookies.

Brian's complaint made Gus chuckle and a smile broke out on his face. “You are silly, daddy.”

“Thank you, but just so you know: I can make cookies. I just don't see the point,” Brian informed his son, before he threw Jennifer a grateful glance and watched her lead his sons away. He didn't even mind that the cookies would probably be as sugary and unhealthy as could be. If Jennifer could bring a smile to his son's face, he would gladly accept that.

While his sons were busy baking with their grandmother, he took a quick nap. Over the last year he had become a master at making the most of every few minutes he had to himself and after his nap which could have hardly been longer than 45 minutes he felt as new.

When he entered the kitchen he saw that the cookies were about to be ready and he smiled when Gus asked when they could eat them.

“How about we have one each for dessert after lunch?” Brian suggested and was greeted by a happy squeal from both his sons who seemed excited to see him. He left small kisses on both their foreheads and then let them help Jennifer get the last batch of cookies in the oven. Once that was done, Jennifer sent the boys back into the living-room to play with some toys while she and Brian cleaned up the kitchen.

Brian knew that Jennifer had only sent away the boys so they could talk and for once he didn't feel bad about that. He felt like he could need some advice from someone who knew how to actually raise children.

“What happened? I haven't seen you this tired since Luke began teething,” she pointed out as she cleaned the utensils they had used for their baking session.

“Gus had another accident last night and... when I asked him about what was going on, he kind of had a breakdown,” Brian answered quietly, reaching for a towel to help Jennifer.

“A breakdown?”

“He was crying bitterly in my arms, pleading with me not to leave him as well like his mothers have done,” Brian explained, being amazed at himself for how calm his voice sounded. He felt anything but.

“Oh dear. That poor boy.”

“I don't know what to do here. It seems like nothing I say will make him accept that I am not going to leave him as well, that I am here to stay. He just doesn't seem to believe me and he's so scared. Last night he was so scared of me being angry because he wet his bed again,” Brian shook his head sadly.

“Brian... we can only imagine how hard this is for him. His whole life has changed and been uprooted completely. Who can blame him for feeling insecure? He's only a small child,” Jennifer said gently, squeezing Brian's shoulder in support. She had been by several times in the last two weeks and she knew how hard Brian was trying to be there for his son. She knew how hard Brian was trying to make up for the disappearance of his two mothers.

“I just don't know what to do anymore. I... Nothing I say seems to get through to him.”

“Have you thought about getting some professional help?”

“What? Why is everyone wanting me to send my son to a shrink?” Brian angrily exclaimed.

“Everyone?”

“Blake said that Gus was most likely having abandonment issues and a deep-rooted fear that I will leave as well and that I should talk to someone about how to best help him deal with that fear.”

“Brian, I think Blake is right. What Gus has been through is indescribable. Not many adults could deal with it and he's only a small boy. Maybe a psychologist can help him deal with his fears and feelings.”

“He is not a nutcase, Jennifer!” Brian angrily exclaimed, looking at her with fire in his eyes.

“I didn't say that,” Jennifer replied seriously, holding Brian's gaze. She had long found out that Brian's bark was worse than his bite, so she knew she had nothing to fear. “I just think that you're in over your head here and maybe a professional can help Gus where you can't.”

“Now if that isn't a vote of confidence,” Brian snarked, angrily throwing away the towel.

“Brian, you have done an admirable job. I have seen it with my own eyes and I am sure that you've done even more that I didn't see. This has nothing to do with you not being a good father to him, so stop thinking that way right now! I am just saying that maybe this is something that can't be handled anymore without professional help and maybe this is something Gus needs to hear from someone else than you.”

“Someone else than me?”

“Well, his track record with parents hasn't been all that great recently, so maybe he's afraid of trusting you when you tell him that you're here to stay. He is your son after all,” Jennifer pointed out, not able to believe she had just said that. But if she thought about it, it was quite funny that Brian Kinney was promising someone – even if it was his own son – that he wouldn't leave.

“I don't know,” Brian muttered. “I don't want him to feel even worse than he already does. How is that going to make him feel if he knows I am sending him to a shrink?”

“Brian, he's six. He doesn't even know what a psychologist is. Just tell him you want him to meet a friend who wants to talk to him or something.”

“Is that what you told Justin when you took him to see the shrink?” Brian couldn't help but throw out, immediately regretting what he had said when he saw Jennifer's face fall.

“I am not proud of what I did then, Brian. I only wanted to help him. Yes, what I did was wrong, but excuse me for being in over my head and not knowing what to do.”

“I didn't mean it like that, Jen. I am sorry,” Brian apologized quietly, not meeting her eyes when he spoke.

“Yes, you did and it's fine. Like I said, I am not proud of it. It wasn't one of my finest moments.”

“But you learned,” Brian said gently, now meeting Jennifer's gaze. He had always been impressed how Jennifer had changed over the years. In the beginning she had had a really hard time accepting Justin for who he was and pushing him into the claws of that therapist had only been proof of that, but she had grown so much since then and had become Justin's fiercest supporter. Hell, even their fiercest supporter. She had learned to accept Brian and even now, after all Brian had done to her son, she was still there, being a grandmother to both his sons.

“It wasn't always easy, but that's parenting for you,” she said wryly. “And I got help, too Brian.”

That admission seemed to stun Brian into absolute silence. He just stared at Jennifer from wide eyes.

“After the prom, after everything that had happened that year, after leaving Craig... I just didn't know how to deal with everything. I just felt so out of my league. Especially when I couldn't help Justin. I... I needed to learn to accept that I couldn't always be there for him and that he needed someone else more than me. That it didn't mean that he didn't love me, but that it only meant he needed someone else, something else than what I could give him at the time.”

“You know that Justin loves you, Jennifer. Even then. He always did. He's so incredibly lucky to have you.”

“Brian,” Jennifer shifted uneasily and started fidgeting with her hands after she had silently accepted what Brian had said and had nodded in acknowledgment. “There is something I didn't tell you.”

“Okay.”

“About the show in New York.”

“What about it?” Brian frowned, wondering what had made Jennifer this nervous. She had told him about Justin's first solo show weeks ago, but with everything going on, he had just forgotten until she had mentioned it again last week. Over the last year and a half Brian had been grateful for every update Jennifer had given him about how Justin was doing and hearing that his career was finally taking off and that he finally had his first solo show after already being featured in a couple of multiple artists shows had made him feel incredibly proud of Justin. And it had shown him that he had made the right decision. Justin wouldn't have had these opportunities if Brian had told him the truth about his pregnancy.

“I am not quite sure if I should tell you, but I guess you'd find out somehow sooner or later anyway. I know you have your ways,” she said quietly, throwing Brian a look that told him that she knew he was keeping tabs on Justin. In the beginning he had just done it to make sure that Justin was doing fine without his money, but by now it just gave him a feeling of comfort to get an update every once in a while on how Justin was doing and how his career was going. Thanks to these updates Brian had known about every show Justin had had so far and had always bought something at each show. Of course anonymously, so Justin wouldn't know, but yeah, Brian owned several Justin Taylor originals. And not because he thought Justin needed his help in furthering his career, but because Justin's art still spoke to him and touched something deep inside of him just like it always had.

Brian blushed slightly, lowering his eyes at being found out and then urged Jennifer to go on and just tell him.

“I am not only going to New York for the show,” Jennifer started and Brian nodded. “I... Justin has met someone and he wants to introduce him to me,” she rushed out in one go, not quite sure how Brian would take the news.

“Oh,” was all that came out of Brian's mouth as he tried to stomach the news. Justin had met someone. That was not what Brian had expected, even though it made sense and had been long overdue. Justin was one good-looking man, incredibly hot and with an ass to die for. And that was only his looks. He was also incredibly talented, smart, funny. Who wouldn't like that? The longer Brian thought about what Jennifer had just announced, the more confused he felt as to why it had taken Justin so long to find someone.

Schooling his features into a mask of indifference, he replied evenly. “Good for him. I am glad. I want him to be happy.”

Jennifer eyed him curiously, her voice gentle, when she spoke next. “Brian?”

“I mean it,” Brian assured her. “All I ever wanted for him was to be happy and... if he has found someone that he loves, then I am happy for him.”

“I am not sure if it's love,” Jennifer said honestly. “I think it's still a relatively new thing from what he has told me.”

“Well, it must be semi-serious if he wants to introduce the guy to you. You don't just introduce someone to your parents if it's just a quick fuck and nothing more.”

Jennifer only raised an eyebrow at that comment and smirked at Brian. “Really? You could have fooled me.”

“Well... I would hardly call myself a standard on all things relationship, but even I know that much,” Brian chuckled in reply, feeling quite grateful that Jennifer had lightened the mood with that comment.

“I just wanted you to know. I thought you deserved to know.”

Brian shook his head gently, contradicting her. “I don't have any right to know any longer, but thanks for telling me anyway.”

“I'll make sure he's a good guy and worth Justin's time.” Jennifer's eyes met Brian's and silent understanding passed between them. Brian nodded at her in thanks and then cleared his throat, not wanting to linger on the news of Justin having found a new boyfriend any longer than he needed to.

Yes, he had meant it, when he had said that he had only ever wanted Justin to be happy, but to know that Justin had found someone else, that he was definitely moving on from whatever they had had in the past still made him feal uneasy and if he admitted it to himself, it also hurt. He knew he had no right to know anything about Justin's life and he had no right to any place in his life after how he had treated him a year and a half ago, but still... hearing that Justin had met someone else wasn't what he had wanted to hear.

“Daddy, can we have cookies now?” Gus came into the kitchen at just that moment and interrupted the awkward silence between the two adults.

“Not yet, sonny boy. After lunch. I promise.”

“Okay,” the boy agreed grudgingly, before he trotted off to the living-room once again to continue playing.

Brian turned to Jennifer, nodding in the direction of the living-room. “You go and spent some quality grandmother time with them. I'll take care of lunch.”

She nodded in agreement, before she left Brian to his own thoughts and feelings.

Two hours later, after they had had lunch and a cookie each for dessert, Jennifer got ready to leave for the airport. She said goodbye to her grandsons and then gave Brian a hug, which surprised the man, not having expected one from her.

“You just think about what I said about the psychologist. I think it would really help him,” she said quietly before she pulled back from the hug and looked him straight in the eye. She didn't say anything about Justin or New York or about the new man in Justin's life, but she didn't have to. The hug had told Brian all he needed to know.

“I will. I promise.”

“All right. I'll see you and the boys next week then.”

“Yeah,” Brian agreed before leading Jennifer to her car. “You have fun in New York.”

“I will.” She then got into her car and made her way to the airport, leaving Brian alone to his thoughts.

And he had lots to think about now. Her comments about the psychologist had given him something to think about and then there was always the new man in Justin's life. If he wanted to or not, those thoughts wouldn't leave him anytime soon.