Chapter 27

A week later Brian found himself with Gus and Luke in his car on his way to Ted's and Blake's apartment. They had offered to watch Luke while Brian and Gus went to see the child therapist that Blake had recommended when Brian had finally given in and had accepted that maybe he couldn't do this on his own and that maybe Gus needed professional help to cope with all the changes in his young life after the poor boy had stood in front of Brian's bed with wet pants two more times in the next three nights.

At first Brian had felt like a complete and utter failure as a father and most of all hopeless as he couldn't help his son, but in the end he had accepted that maybe Jennifer and Blake were right. Maybe this was just too much for Gus to deal with and maybe it was also too much for Brian to deal with on his own as a father.

He had asked Blake for recommendations on a good therapist, hoping that he would know some due to his work as a counsellor and he had been relieved when Blake had gotten back to him two days later and had told him that he had secured an appointment for Gus with a friend of a friend who was widely seen as one of the best therapists in the city.

“Where are we going, Daddy?” Gus asked with mild curiousity as they drove into Pittsburgh, having left Britin 20 minutes earlier. “Are we going to visit Grandma Jen?”

Brian met Gus' questioning gaze in his rearview mirror and looked at his son. “No, we're going to Uncle Teddy's and Uncle Blake's. They have invited us for lunch.”

“Oh, cool! I like Uncle Teddy. He is so funny,” Gus enthused and then added. “And Uncle Blake is always so nice. He always smiles and is always friendly.”

“That he is, sonny boy,” Brian agreed, feeling surprised that he would say that about Ted's twink, a man that had nearly killed Ted so many years ago. A lot of time had passed since then though and so many things had changed, most importantly Ted and Blake. They had both turned their lives around and had become Brian's closest friends over the last year. Brian couldn't help but snicker at the thought. If someone had told him even three years ago that one day Ted Schmidt would be his best friend, he'd have told them they were crazy. But now, here he was and Ted was not only his CFO – and a damn good one – but also his friend. All the support he and Blake had shown Brian over the last year and a half hadn't gone unnoticed and Brian was eternally grateful for them being by his side during the days after Luke's abduction by Lindsay and even before that during his pregnancy.

“Do you think we can go to the park after lunch? We can all play soccer together,” Gus suggested quietly, his voice sounding shy and slightly scared.

“Sonny boy, that is the best idea I've heard all day,” Brian said ecstatically, putting it on extra thick for his son who had seemed so insecure when he had asked his question. He knew that he had done the right thing when a big smile broke out on Gus' face and he smiled blindingly at his father. “How about you and I show them how you play real soccer, huh? I am sure they won't stand a chance against us Kinneys.”

“Yay!” Gus exclaimed and they happily went on talking about the game of soccer they would have later for the next ten minutes until they pulled up in front of the couple's condo.

Getting both kids inside, they all enjoyed a quiet but happy lunch together and Gus had been more than happy when his Uncle Blake had announced that he had made Chicken Nuggets just for him. Gus loved Chicken Nuggets and couldn't get enough of them, so to get them at his uncle's house made his day only better.

After lunch Brian had put down Luke for a nap and returned to the living-room where Gus was flipping through a book with Ted, practising his reading.

“Daddy, can we go to the park now?” Gus looked up when his father came back and Brian steeled himself for what he knew he had to do next.

“Not yet, sonny boy,” he said as he sat down at the dinner table, nodding at his lap. “Come here for a second, will you?”

Gus slowly came over, settling into his father's lap comfortably. “Why not, Daddy?”

“For one, Luke is still napping and we wouldn't want him to miss out on all the fun, would we?” Brian said and Gus immediately nodded, accepting Brian's reasoning. Brian felt glad when he saw Ted move over to the kitchen, helping Blake with the clean-up of their meal in order to give him and Gus some privacy.

“Okay, then we'll go when Luke wakes up?”

“Sonny boy, there is something I need to talk to you about,” Brian said seriously and his heart broke when he saw Gus' scared eyes settling on his own.

“What? You're not leaving, are you?” The boy immediately asked as his eyes teared up.

“Hey, hey, no reason to cry, Gus,” Brian said gently, wiping away his son's tear. “I am not going anywhere, you hear me? I promised you, Gus. I am not going anywhere!”

Gus needed a few moments to calm down, but then he nodded slowly, if a little doubtfully.

“I know that you're scared about me leaving you, but I will not do that. You hear me? I love you and Luke more than anything in life and I will never leave you two. Never!”

Once more Gus nodded slowly, then eyed Brian from curious eyes. “What do you want to talk about, Daddy?”

“I...I have a friend that I'd like you to meet, you know?”

“A friend?” Gus frowned. “Like Uncle Teddy and Uncle Blake?”

“Kind of,” Brian answered evasively. “He... he works with children who are scared of things and who feel confused and might not believe when their parents make promises to them. He helps those children to believe their parents and he helps them to feel better again.”

“Okay,” Gus sounded unconvinced.

“I want you to talk to him, Gus. I want you to meet him and I want him to help you as well. I know that you're scared of me leaving and I know that you might not believe me and...,” Brian was struggling for words. “I just want you to feel better, you know, sonny boy?”

“Are you angry at me, Daddy?” Gus asked in a tiny voice, clearly scared.

“Angry? No, I am not angry at you! Why would you think that?”

“Because you want to send me to your friend.”

“No, that's not it. You and I will meet him together and you and I will talk to him together. I'll be by your side all the time.”

Gus considered his father's words and after a long time his tiny voice was heard once more. “If I go and talk to your friend, will we go play soccer in the park afterwards?”

Brian chuckled and ruffled his son's hair. “Definitely.”

Half an hour later Brian and Gus pulled up in front of Dr. Heyman's office and met the therapist who immediately welcomed them into his office with a warm smile.

“Hello Brian,” the doctor greeted. He and Brian had already met the day before to talk about some specifics of Gus' case. “And you must be Gus,” he crouched down onto his knees to be on eye-level with Gus and smiled at the boy with a winning smile.

Gus nodded shyly in reply.

“I am Bill, but a lot of my friends call me Billy. I don't really mind either way. So Bill or Billy, whatever works best for you, alright?”

Gus nodded once more, this time smiling. The man was funny and Gus couldn't resist his inviting smile. “I am just Gus.”

“Alright, just Gus. How about we get inside and sit down for a small chat?”

Brian and Gus followed him and then sat down on the sofa, Bill sitting across from them in an armchair.

They just talked for the next half an hour, talking about this and that, wanting the small boy to just get used to Bill and not be overwhelmed by this new person in his life. They didn't tackle any of Gus' issues just yet during that first meeting, wanting to give the boy a chance to get comfortable with the therapist first.

At the end of their first visit, Brian and Gus said goodbye to Bill and made their way back to Brian's car.

“I like Bill,” Gus announced as Brian strapped him into his car seat.

“You do?” Brian smiled at his son. “I think I had an idea when you were laughing so hard your belly hurt.” Brian tickled his son's belly for good measure, making Gus squeak in excitement.

“He is funny. And nice,” Gus added as Brian got into his seat and buckled his own seatbelt.

“So you're okay coming back next week to meet with him again?”

When Gus nodded happily, Brian wondered if maybe he had finally done something right.

The rest of the day was spent at the park where Brian and Gus played soccer all afternoon, occasionally being joined by Luke, who was more excited to pick up the ball and happily run away with it than really do anything else and Blake and Ted who, just as Brian had promised earlier were no match for the Kinney men when they played some matches against each other.

Everyone had had a lot of fun at the park and at the end of the day, after having had a pizza at Ted's and Blake's place, Brian drove back home to Britin with two peacefully sleeping boys in the back of his car. He smiled as he saw them sleeping through the rearview mirror. The day had gone a lot better than he had anticipated before. He had expected Gus to refuse to talk to the therapist, had expected him to throw a tantrum in true Kinney fashion, but Gus had surprised him and had been on his best behaviour, once again really making his father proud.

***

“Brian, can I talk to you for a minute?” Dr. Heyman asked as Brian and Gus were ready to leave his office after another session. Gus had now been seeing Dr. Heyman for six weeks and Brian could already see the improvement in his small son. He could see how much good the sessions with his “Billy” were doing Gus.

Gus had become a happier boy in recent weeks and the crying had noticeably calmed down. There had also been only three accidents in the last six weeks where the boy had wet himself which had been a huge improvement from the three nights where Gus had wet himself within just one week.

They had even reached a point where Gus was happy enough to talk to Dr. Heyman on his own, without Brian present and for the last four weeks they would usually spend half their session with Dr. Heyman and Gus talking on their own for the first thirty minutes while Brian waited in the waiting room and then Brian would join them for the last thirty minutes, so he and Gus could talk to “Billy” together.

Brian would be lying if he said that he liked going to the sessions, but he could see how much it helped Gus and he figured if this was what Gus needed, then it was a small price for him to pay to get over his own pride and join his sessions with a therapist. It was a good thing that he didn't hang out around Liberty Avenue anymore. The queens there would have a field day with the information that Brian Kinney was seeing a therapist. If only to support and help his son. Not that that would matter to anyone.

Thoughts like that had only confirmed to Brian that he had made the right choice when he had all but left that life behind and had focused on his sons and nothing else. The last time he had been on Liberty Avenue had been when he had visited Debbie at the diner with Luke and the last time he had been to Woodies or Babylon had been even longer in the past. Long before Luke had been born, who was already 15 months by now.

At first Brian had missed that life, had missed the thrill of going on the hunt for tricks, had missed his old life and couldn't help but wonder what his life had turned into. He had grabbed his dick more than once to make sure that it was still there and hadn't turned into a twat and made him into a lesbian. For truly that was what he had to be if he rather stayed at home with his two sons than went out to get his dick sucked.

It wasn't like he wouldn't have had a chance to go out. Both Jennifer and Debbie, when she had still been a part of his life, before the whole mess with Michael and Lindsay, had offered to babysit Luke , so he could have a Friday or Saturday night out. Lindsay, when she had been down with Gus for his scheduled visits had offered to watch Gus and Luke, so Brian could go out and just do his Stud thing, but more often than not Brian had realised that he didn't want to go, that he'd really rather stay home with his children than go out for a quick thrill.

Spending time with his sons, seeing their smiles, hearing their excited voices and squeals, hearing their laughter and babble, gave him more of a thrill than any orgasm ever could.

Brian hadn't turned into a monk, though. His extensive toy collection got quite a bit of use once the boys were asleep at night and Brian would be lying if he said that he'd never picked up anyone on the occasions he had left other people to babysit so he could take care of business. Yes, he had taken care of business and then, after that had been done, he had seen no harm in taking care of some of his own business as well before heading back home. So no, in no way had he turned celibate, but the Stud of Liberty Avenue sure as hell had calmed down and settled down. He figured that by now the name Brian Kinney was only a myth on Liberty Avenue, nothing more. Fags had a short attention span and with him being absent for over a year and a half, they sure as hell had to have forgotten all about him.

Willing those thoughts away, knowing that they were totally inappropriate for a conversation with his child's therapist, Brian only nodded and looked at Gus, who came running into his arms, as he left Dr. Heyman's office.

“Sonny boy, will you wait here for a second? Just draw a picture at the table over there and I'll be with you in a minute, so we can go and pick up Luke, all right?”

Gus nodded happily and settled down at the table in the waiting room that was specifically designed to keep children happy while they waited.

When he saw that Gus seemed happy enough himself and was occupied, he followed Dr. Heyman into his office.

“Brian, I wanted to talk to you for a minute about Gus' progress,” the therapist announced as he urged Brian to take a seat on the sofa.

“What about it, doc? He seems so much happier. He's also been doing way better in recent weeks.”

“Yes, I noticed and Gus seems to be quite proud as well. He's been nearly bursting to tell me that he hasn't had any accidents since his last visit.”

“That's right. He's been so proud of himself and I actually promised him that we'd go out and have dinner at a place of his choice later to celebrate,” Brian confirmed, the pride in his voice easily to hear.

“It's good that you are positively encouraging him and I am sure he'll have lots of fun.”

“Hopefully. I just want him to be as happy as he should be,” Brian announced quietly.

“He is a very happy boy, Brian. Make no mistake there. Despite everything, he is happy and he loves you and Luke so much. Every time he talks about you and his brother, his whole face lights up and it's easy to see how much he adores you,” the therapist said seriously, knowing from their previous conversations that Brian was a very complex character and had issues himself. Issues he didn't like talking about, that much had been very clear to the therapist from the very beginning just like it had been clear that Brian didn't quite believe in therapy and the good it could do people, yet he had pushed aside his own opinions to help his son through this hard time.

Brian only nodded, not quite sure how to take the therapist's words. He had never been good at accepting compliments or positive encouragement, so he decided not to reply to it, in order as to not make a fool of himself.

“What I wanted to talk to you about, is how we're going to progress from here on out. I think we're ready to take the next step in Gus' treatment.”

“The next step?” Brian frowned, not sure what the doctor was refering to.

“Gus is still suffering from his anxiety that you might leave him as well and even though his general mood and condition has improved a lot in recent weeks, there is still a long way to go.”

Brian nodded slowly, having feared that the doctor would say something like that. He had hoped that things would be over soon, but clearly he had been too optimistic there. “All right, so what is the next step?”

“I need you to take a step back, Brian,” the doctor announced, getting straight to the point. He had learned that Brian didn't like it if he minced his words and that brutal honesty worked best with the man.

“What?”

“As of now, you're pretty much the only parental figure in Gus' life. So all his attention is focused on you which means that all his hopes, but also all his fears are connected to you. We need to make Gus see that there are other people in his life besides you that he can also trust in and that even though you might not be there 24/7, you're still a part of his life and a person he can trust in.”

“And how do you want to do that, doc?”

“Gus has told me a lot about his Grandma Jen and his Uncle Teddy and his partner Blake. He seems to really like these people a lot.” When Brian nodded in agreement, the therapist went on. “I think it's important that Gus spends more time with these people.”

“His Grandma comes and visits us twice a week and he sees Ted and Blake at least once a week, most weeks twice as well,” Brian said, not quite sure what the doctor meant.

“Yes, and tell me Brian, where are you when Gus sees these people?”

“With him,” Brian said slowly, understanding what the doctor was trying to say. “You're saying I shouldn't be?”

“At least for a limited time. Maybe start slowly with a couple of hours one afternoon. Have one of them come over and spend time with Gus and you go out. Do some shopping, some work or whatever it is you do, but something that leaves Gus alone with them.”

“Isn't the whole point of this not to leave Gus? To show him that I won't leave him like his mothers did?” Brian asked angrily, not liking what the doctor was implying. “He'll only think that I am abandoning him as well if I push him away into other people's arms.”

“Brian, I can understand your feelings on this, but please, hear me out, okay?” The doctor said quietly, not surprised in the least by how hotly the man opposite him had reacted to his idea.

“I am not liking this, doc,” Brian muttered, glaring at the doctor.

“I hadn't noticed,” the therapist chuckled, then went on to explain his reasoning. “What I want Gus to learn from this is that even though you might not be there at times, that doesn't mean that you're abandoning him, but that you will always return to him. Lets face it, there is no way that you can be with him 24/7, Brian. You have two businesses to run, you have another child to take care of and there might be other obligations that every once in a while will demand your attention away from Gus. Gus will need to learn to deal with moments like these and will need to learn that even though you might leave for some time it doesn't mean you're not coming back. It's basically a lesson in trust, Brian.”

“Nothing is more important than my sons and no business could take me away from them,” Brian answered hotly. “I am not one of those fathers who will just push their child away into a nanny's arm because making money is more important than being with their child.”

“And I never said so, Brian. Spending a few hours away from Gus doesn't say anything about you as a father. It doesn't mean that you love him any less. Just look at life, Brian. No parent can spend all the time in the world with their children. Every family has some kind of support system by having family, friends or a babysitter step in at times. That is normal and it's also important and good for the child. The child needs to learn to build relationships away from just the parents. Too much focus on just the parents alone might actually be harmful to a child as well. There needs to be a balance just like with most things in life,” the therapist explained calmly.

“Are you saying I am doing more harm than good by spending so much time with my sons?” Brian's voice was very small when he asked that question and he didn't meet the therapist's eyes.

“Brian, once again: I didn't say that. You can't let your own fears take over like that. I am just saying that I think it will be helpful for Gus if maybe you can get him to spend a couple of hours one afternoon per week with another adult in his life and without you. That way he can try to build a stronger relationship with them and can learn that you actually keep your promises. You can give him an exact time when you will be back and once you come back at that time, he'll see that you kept your word and didn't abandon him. Like I said, it's an exercise in building trust.”

“Alright,” Brian agreed finally, after mulling over what the therapist had said. He could see the sense in his words and could see his point, but that didn't make it any easier for him to take a step back at a time when he felt like being with his son was what would help the most. However, he had seen in recent weeks how much better Gus was already doing and had seen how much the therapist had helped Gus, so he would trust him on this. He would trust his expertise and trust his knowledge. “Do you want us to start right away?”

“I'd like you to start some time next week, if possible, so I can talk to Gus about this in the next session.”

“I think that can be arranged,” Brian sighed, still not quite happy with the idea, but willing to do it to help his son to get even better than he already had.

“Brian, may I make a suggestion?”

“Sure, doc. You're on a roll already, why not continue?” Brian snarked, as he eyed the man warily.

“I know you don't think too highly of my profession and the people in it. I know you think therapy is for weak people, but from what I could gather in recent weeks, I can easily see that you have some issues of your own. You are a very complex man, Brian and I think you'd be surprised by how much good it might actually do you to talk to someone about your feelings.”

“What am I, doc? A lesbian? I don't talk about my feelings and I am doing just fine,” Brian replied angrily, his walls all back in place where he needed them to be.

“Fine, you tell yourself that. Like I said, it was just a suggestion. I am sure you'd be surprised by how much better you'd feel talking to someone.”

“Thanks, doc, but we're here for Gus, so how about we focus on him?” Brian muttered, before he got up from his seat on the sofa? “Is that everything?”

“Yes,” the doctor sighed, before he led Brian outside to a patiently waiting Gus.

He watched the two leave his office and hoped that he hadn't pushed either of them too far too soon.