Chapter 3

Brian barely looked up from his place on his sofa when the phone in his loft rang again and the voicemail started. Even before he could hear a voice on the answering machine, he knew who would be on the other end.

He sighed when his guess was confirmed and he heard Justin's voice leaving a message on the machine. The sixth message in the last two hours. Not even counting the 4 messages on his cell phone and the 8 text messages the blond had sent him in the last four hours.

“Hey, Brian. It's me again. Just let me know how it went at the doctor's, okay? Whatever it is, we'll figure it out.”

Brian could hear a deep sigh from the younger man. “I know that you're ignoring me. Don't worry, I got the idea, but... I am just worried and... I just need to know that you're okay... Please, Brian.”

The last two words had nearly been begged before Justin hung up.

Brian felt like the asshole that he knew he was and he felt guilty for not picking up the phone, but at the moment he just couldn't talk to the younger man. He needed some time to wrap his head around what the doctor had told him and needed time to accept that he was going to be a father again. And not only that, he was carrying the child. His whole life had changed in the one moment the doctor had needed to announce the pregnancy, but he just needed a bit more time to accept that.

Brian ran his hand through his hair and then leaned forward, picking up one of the ultrasound images that he had left on the coffee table earlier. There was no doubt, that was indeed a baby. He could see the head, the body, two arms and two legs. He had a baby growing inside of him and would be a father. Again.

Realistically, Brian had thought that Gus would be his only child, even though he might have agreed at one point to have a child with Justin. Who knew, maybe in ten years down the line he would have finally been ready for that commitment, but even then he would have bet all his money that he would never be pregnant in his life.

Damn, he had all but forgotten about the fact that he could even get pregnant. Of course he had had the test done when he was a teenager. Debbie had sent him and Michael to the doctor and had insisted, like the good, proud gay mom of the year that she was, but even then Brian had only done it to placate her and because he had felt like he owed her, not because it was something that mattered to him. Even then he had known that he was a top and he had already started working on his reputation and had been on the way to establish himself as the top to top all tops. When the doctor had informed him that he was able to get pregnant, he had just stored that information in a dark corner of his brain and had moved on. There was no way in hell he was ever going to bottom for anyone, so it didn't matter.

Until Justin. Damn, Justin. Brian knew that the twat would be ecstatic. As soon as Brian informed him, he'd probably be on his way back to Pittsburgh, claiming that he had already missed more than enough of Brian's pregnancy and then... then what? Brian tried to imagine what their life would turn into then. Would they move to Britin and become all domesticated? Would they be the imitation of a hetero couple that he had always blamed Michael and Ben of trying to be? Would he become all lesbionic and lose what made him him when he tried to adapt to a life as a family man? God, that thought nearly made him vomit once more. Family Man. Brian Kinney was a lot of things, but family man was clearly not one of them.

Damn, he was hardly more than a drop in Dad to Gus, even though he was trying to work on that and was trying to let his sonny boy know that he loved him and would always be there for him even though they were living in different countries. He tried to fly to Toronto at least once a month and made a point of calling Gus twice a week to let him know that his Daddy hadn't forgotten about him even though he might not be in the same city anymore and even though everyone would probably just scoff at him for his way of thinking, he had to admit that he enjoyed being a father more than he had expected. But... that was being a father to a child that lived with his two moms in another city, hell, even another country.

Being a father to a child that would be with him and Justin 24/7 would be a completely different experience and as much as he enjoyed being Gus's Daddy, he wasn't sure that was something he wanted. Not now, not at this point in their lives.

Kinnetik was on its way to becoming one of the top ad agencies on the east coast and they had been attracting bigger and bigger accounts recently. He had had to hire two new ad execs just to be able to stay on top of all the work they needed to do. Brian was proud of what the company had achieved since he had started it and he was kind of curious and excited to see where the path would go. If he was honest with himself, he had been thinking about expansion. Maybe one day Kinnetik would do well enough and would be big enough to get an office in New York.

That had been on his mind for several weeks now and not only because New York had always been a dream of his and he had always wanted to conquer the ad agencies on Madison Avenue, but mostly because New York was where his twat was. He missed Justin, more than he cared to admit to himself and his partner even though he had agreed with their friends that New York was where Justin needed to be. The lad was talented, not only talented, he was a genius really. And New York was the centre of the art world, at least for the US. If Justin wanted to make a name for himself, he needed to be in New York. Brian had accepted that and even though it had hurt more than he had expected and more than he had ever admitted to anyone, he had let Justin go to fulfill his dream of an art career. It wasn't fair to expect from your partner that they sacrificed their goals in life just to be with you. He had known that for a long time and even though Justin had fought against it at first, had disagreed with him in the beginning, he had left for New York in the end. Because even a stubborn twink like him had to accept how life worked: Your dream doesn't just come to your door and wait for you, you need to go out and chase it. You need to work for it.

Brian sighed, wishing he could have a shot of something. Preferably Beam. But that was out of the question. Once again it all came down to the 12 years difference in their age. They were just at different points in their lives. Brian had already established a career for himself, owned two companies and was a successful business man. He was, by all means, ready to settle down and start a family. But Justin? The lad hadn't even finished college yet. Hadn't made a name for himself yet. Was just about to start his career. Brian couldn't take that away from him, could he? The chance to get the career he deserved, the chance to cash in on this amazing talent that he had been given and that he had worked so hard to get back after the prom. Who was he to take that away by forcing him into a life he wasn't ready for? That thought and the answer to that – no one, he was no one to demand that – had made him let go of Justin when he had decided to chase his dream in New York.

Could he go and destroy that now? Yes, Justin had agreed to marry him and had agreed to move to Britin with him, but... just because someone said they were ready to do something didn't mean they really were. Justin wouldn't have known all the things he would have missed out on and would probably have always second guessed the life they would have had. He would have always asked himself if this was all life had to offer: Becoming Brian Kinney's glorified boy toy and giving up all his artistic dreams for a family they hadn't even planned and had never really talked about.

Yes, Justin had always said that he wanted the marriage, the house and one day a family, but whenever he had mentioned it, that had been: One day. Definitely not now. Now he was at another point in his life, yet Brian knew without a doubt that his partner would leave behind New York in a heartbeat to be at his side. Could Brian accept that? Could he accept that Justin would give up his dream and be trapped in a family they hadn't even agreed on having?

All these thoughts were giving Brian a headache and he slowly got up from the sofa and moved to the large windows, looking out at the skyline of Pittsburgh. He thought some more about Justin and how he would probably react to the news of them having a baby and one thought always came back to Brian's mind: You can't make him give up his dream.

Brian's right hand wandered down his stomach to his lower abdomen and absentmindedly stroked the small belly that he was having. 'What are we going to do?' he thought to himself. He didn't even notice that he was gently stroking his belly and just stared out of his windows, feeling more and more depressed as his mind came back to the same conclusion over and over again, no matter from what angle he looked at their problem: He couldn't let Justin throw away his dream. One day Justin would hate him for it.

Yes, Justin might tell him that he wanted a family more than a career, but Justin had also told him once years ago that he knew what to expect from Brian and what Brian could give him and yet he had left Brian again merely two years later when he hadn't been happy and had expected more. What if Justin was fine with a family and a life together now, but wouldn't be in a few years? Then it wouldn't only be his heart breaking, but their child's as well. Brian didn't think he could do that to an innocent child. No child deserved to grow up in a torn home. He had seen Lindsey, Melanie and Michael fight over JR after she had been born and he couldn't bear the thought of that one day being him and Justin fighting over their child. If they were going to do this, they needed to make it work, of that Brian was absolutely sure, but he wasn't sure if they could.

They loved each other, that was obvious to both of them and they both knew of the depth of love the other had for them, but sometimes love wasn't enough. And this time a child would be hurt as a result.

After thinking some more and listening to two more calls from Justin, Brian decided to call it a night and get into bed. He needed to rest his head, all this thinking was giving him a headache. Lying down, Brian pulled the covers up to his chest and turned his head towards the windows once more.

What could he do? Abort the baby like the doctor had suggested? Get rid of it and be done with it? That would clearly solve all the problems he and Justin were facing, but something deep inside of him made his stomach lurch at the mere thought of getting rid of a life that he and Justin had created. A life that would be a mixture of the two of them. It wasn't that he was against abortion per se, he was too liberal and was all pro choice, but now that he was confronted with the choice, he wasn't sure if he could make it.

He might have only known about being pregnant for five hours, yet he already felt like he needed to protect the life that was growing inside of him. It was ridiculous, lesbionic really, but he felt a responsibility to the baby that was depending on him to ensure it would have a good life. This baby was not at fault for him and Justin messing up and he would not punish it for their mistakes. As he had already told the doctor that afternoon, abortion was not an option. He would have the baby and he would figure out what to do about his and Justin's relationship. For once in his life he would do the adult thing and would take responsibility for his actions. They had fucked up, now they could deal with it. And they would. With that thought in his mind, Brian fell into a fitful sleep.

“Fuck off and leave me the fuck alone!” Justin yelled at Brian before he slammed the door and left the house.

Brian followed the younger man, but stopped at the door when his eyes travelled up the stairs and he saw a small figure standing at the top of the stairs, looking at him from scared, sad eyes. “Daddy? Why is Papa yelling?”

Brian was torn between following his angry husband and taking care of his scared child, but in the end the need to take care of his child won. “Don't worry, it's alright. We were just disagreeing about something. Let me take you back to bed,” he said gently as he made his way up the stairs and took the child's hand, leading the child back to what had to be the bedroom.

He lay down on the bed next to his child and ran his hand through the blond mop of hair on the child's head, looking into the sad blue eyes that reminded him so much of Justin's. “Go back to sleep, baby. Everything is alright. I promise.”

The child eyed him warily, as if not sure that his words could be trusted, but in the end tiredness won and the child went back to sleep. Brian stayed at the child's side for a while longer before he got up from the bed and left the room.

He sighed as he thought about where his husband could be, knowing that there were only two choices. He was either at the local bar getting drunk again like he had every evening for weeks or he might be hiding away in the garage. Brian decided to try the garage and if that wasn't successful he'd try and call Daphne, asking her to check at the bar. He couldn't leave his child alone in the house to run after his wayward blond.

Quietly making his way down to the garage, Brian didn't know if he should be feeling relieved or not that he found his partner there. Once again Justin was sitting in his usual spot, looking at the boxes which Brian knew held his art supplies. They had been in there for years now.

“What about fuck off don't you understand, Brian?” Justin spat at him as he turned around and glared at the older man. He had to have heard Brian make his way over.

“I just want to make sure that you're okay,” Brian said quietly.

“Oh, I am just fine. Peachy. Absolutely fabulous,” Justin replied in a voice drenched in sarcasm.

“Cut out the bullshit, Sunshine. You haven't been fine in a long time. How about you tell me what's making you act this immature?” Brian gave back, feeling just as angry as Justin sounded.

“Immature? That's incredible coming from you. You think just because you carried a child and delivered it you're all grown up now?”

“At least I am not the one getting drunk every night and leaving my kid alone at home. Whatever that might make me, it at least makes me more grown up than you,” Brian almost yelled.

“Yadda, yadda, yadda. Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit,” Justin exclaimed.

“What is your fucking problem?”

“What my problem is? You are my problem! That child is my problem! The fact that I have no life of my own is my problem! Happy now?”

Brian's eyes widened and he felt each of Justin's words like a stab to his heart. “You don't mean that.”

“Oh, believe me, Brian, I have never meant anything more. I hate you. I fucking hate you!” Justin yelled at him, angrily throwing over the boxes which held his art supplies. Very expensive art supplies.

“Justin, don't. You're destroying everything.”

“What does it matter? It's not like I'll ever need any of this. You made sure of that,” the young man yelled as he trashed more boxes.

“I... what? I didn't do any such thing,” Brian tried to defend himself and was taken aback by the hatred he saw in the younger man's eyes when he turned around and faced him.

“You forced me to live a life I have never wanted. You forced me to become your little housewife, taking care of your house, your child, your car, your horses, yours, yours, yours... Everything is yours. You made sure of that!”

“Ours, Justin. This belongs to us,” Brian started, but was immediately interrupted by the angry young man.

“No, it doesn't. It's all yours. We're living the life you're paying for us to live because you made damn sure that I would be dependent on you for the rest of my life, that I would never be able to live the life I wanted because I would always be dependent on your money and your generosity.”

“Justin, I... I have never...”

“You took away my chance at a career when you forced me to come back because you were pregnant and what have I done since then? I've become your glorified housewife. Your convenient fuck at night when you remember that your dick needs a hole to sink into. Fuck you, Brian! Fuck you for taking away my life! You could have saved yourself and me a lot of time and pain if you had just let Hobbs finish the job in the first place.”

Brian woke up with a start, his forehead drenched in sweat, his sheets twisted around him in a complete mess. He was panting and his heart was beating way too fast. It had been a nightmare, he knew that. Rationally it had only been a dream that his subconscious had produced because of the thoughts running through his head all day, but the more Brian thought about the nightmare, the more he calmed down and could think clearly again, he knew that it wasn't just a nightmare. This could very well be his and Justin's future if he wasn't careful and he couldn't allow that. Justin didn't deserve that. Justin only deserved the best in life and if that meant that Brian would have to do what he had dreaded doing ever since the doctor had told him about the pregnancy, then so be it. He would not make Justin dependent on him and he would not take away Justin's chance at the future he had envisioned for himself when he had left for New York. Brian would not force him to sacrifice his own dreams just because they had made a mistake once. He would not allow that!

Finally having come to a decision, however painful it might be, Brian slowly sank back down into his pillow and curled up into a ball, trying to shield himself from the pain he felt spreading from his heart to every fibre of his whole being.