Chapter 4

Brian opened his loft door and sighed when he heard an angry “Fuck you!” muttered on his answering machine before the callee hung up. Even if he hadn't recognized that voice right away, he would have known without a doubt that the call had been from Justin.

It had been four days since they had last talked to each other and ever since that fateful night three nights ago when Brian had made his decision of not including Justin in this pregnancy of his, he had ignored all attempts by Justin to contact him. He had ignored all his calls, messages on his answering machine, all his emails and chat messages.

At first Justin had only sounded concerned and had wanted to know if he was alright, but with time his worry had turned into anger and Brian knew that Justin had to have figured out by now that he had been pushed off yet another Kinney cliff. All messages from the day before had been angry and had accused Brian of being an asshole and Brian had listened to them all and had silently taken it all in because he knew that in the end Justin was right. He was an asshole.

What Justin didn't know however was that Brian was only doing this for his own good. The more he had come to terms with his pregnancy and had accepted that he would be a father in about six months time, the more he had started to wish that there was a way that he and Justin could raise their child together. He loved the twat and he knew that Justin was great with kids. Gus adored Justin and had from day one. And Brian was sure that Justin would be great with their kid as well. More than once he had been swaying in his decision and had wanted to pick up his phone and call his lover and tell him what was going on, but every time he had started dialling his dream from three nights ago came back to him and all he could see was a Justin whose eyes were filled with hatred for him and who was accusing him of having stolen his life from him by forcing him into a life he wasn't ready for.

Seeing that image of Justin in his mind's eye nearly drove him mad with despair. He wanted Justin so much and he wanted to tell him more than anything that they would have a baby together and he wanted nothing more than to raise their child together with the man he loved, but not if the price for that was Justin hating him and their kid one day. Brian knew that he wouldn't be able to deal with Justin hating their child and hating him. Being apart from his younger lover was already hard enough, but at least they had always still communicated and gotten along as something akin to acquaintances whenever they had been apart before. The prospect of not having that, having Justin hate him, that was something Brian couldn't deal with. So he had always hung up again at the last moment before the call connected and whenever he felt his resolve weaken, he just had to think back to Justin's face in that dream and he knew that he was doing the right thing for the younger man. No matter how much it might hurt himself.

And it did hurt – there was no question about that. Brian had barely been functioning at work and had directed a lot of his workload to Cynthia and Ted, claiming that he was still suffering from the stomach virus everyone thought he had. In the end he had left the office early every day in the last three days and had then driven around in his car for hours, no real destination in mind. He just didn't want to go home because everything in the loft reminded him of the blond he was so desperately trying to push from his mind.

If he was honest with himself, Brian knew that he was being naive if he thought that just ignoring Justin would work. If he knew Justin at all, he was probably already on his way back to Pittsburgh to check on Brian and to kick his ass for his disappearing act. Brian wasn't looking forward to that confrontation, but had been trying to prepare himself mentally for what he knew would surely come to happen soon. He would have to stay strong and would have to send Justin back to New York. If only he knew how to do that, though. Surely seeing those blue eyes would completely destroy any will he might have to stay strong. Brian just had to make sure that he wouldn't break. He had to stay strong and would have to act like the old Brian Kinney, like the Brian that couldn't care less about how Justin felt. Surely he would be able to act the part if nothing else, right? Right?

Brian sighed as he threw his briefcase on the sofa and removed his tie. He was doing the right thing, he knew it. If only doing the right thing wasn't so damn hard. Steeling himself for what he knew was to come, he walked over to his answering machine and listened to the messages on there.

Ten messages, seven from Sunshine, two from Mother Taylor and one from Ted informing him that the afternoon at Kinnetik had stayed calm and everything had been taken care of.

Brian then listened to the messages from Justin and wasn't surprised to realise that the young man had gotten angrier from message to message.

“Pick up the goddamn phone, you fucking asshole! I will not be thrown off yet another Kinney cliff. You can't do that to me, Brian. Not again! I thought we had moved past that. Whatever the doctor said, just let me know so we can figure it out together. I am your partner, Brian. I am here for you. Whatever it is, you don't have to do this on your own. And I will not allow you to throw me off Mount Kinney once again. If I have to, I will fly back and will kick your ass personally. You have two hours to pick up the phone and tell me what's going on or I will book a flight. Fuck you, Brian! Fuck you for being the asshole that you are. Why do I let you do this to me? Do you have any idea how worried I am? I am going crazy imagining all the reasons why you might not answer, but... I think I know it's because you don't want me to know whatever it is that is going on with you. And fuck you for that, Brian! I am your partner. We were supposed to get married. Fuck you! Just fuck you! Fuck you!”

At least the messages from Jennifer were less angry and more formal. Mother Taylor was worried about her son. Apparently Justin hadn't told her what an asshole Brian was or Brian was sure she wouldn't have sounded so calm.

“Brian, it's me, Jennifer. Have you spoken to Justin recently? I don't know... but he sounded off somehow. As if something was wrong. I think he missed the meeting with the possible new agent. When I asked him, he didn't reply, but just gave me some evasive answer. Has he told you anything about that meeting? He was so excited at the prospect of finally getting an agent. I wonder what happened and... I am worried. He's all alone there in New York. Just let me know if you talk to him and what you think. Have a nice evening, Brian.”

Damn, he could really do with a drink right now, but unfortunately that was out of the question. Instead Brian decided to take a shower. Maybe the hot water would wash away some of the guilt and anxiety he was feeling over what his life had turned into.

Climbing up the stairs to his bedroom he carelessly threw his clothes on the bed and then continued into the bathroom. Fifteen minutes later he returned with just a towel wrapped around his waist, feeling slightly better. He was just about to pick up his discarded clothes to throw them into the pile for his dry-cleaning when he heard his doorbell ring. For a second he entertained the thought that maybe Justin had already made his way to Pittsburgh and was standing outside his door, but then he waved that thought away. First of all Justin had given him an ultimatum and if he was one thing, it was consistent. If he gave Brian two hours before booking a flight, then Brian had two hours. And Justin would never use the doorbell. He had a key to the loft and would have used it, probably wanting to sneak up on Brian as to not give him any warning that might give him an idea to flee.

That left Debbie and Michael, but if it was either of them, they would have used the elevator up and would already be banging on his metal loft door. So the silence from his door let him know that it wasn't any Novotny either. Brian quickly erased Jennifer from his list as she had only called him a few hours before and wouldn't show up without making an appointment first like the good WASP that she was. She would only show up unannounced if it was an emergency and Brian hoped it was not.

Wondering who it could be, he made his way over to his intercom and pressed the button before he spoke. “Yes?”

“Open the door, you motherfucking asshole,” an angry voice greeted him and Brian frowned when he realised that it was Daphne outside his door.

“I don't fuck mothers. You should know that,” he gave back before pressing the button to open the door on the ground floor and letting Justin's best friend into the building.

A minute later he heard the elevator pull up and opened the metal door slowly after resting his forehead against it for a second, trying to get some strength from the cold, unyielding metal.

“Daphne, you look enchanting as always,” he said as he stepped aside to let the young woman into the loft.

“Cut the bullshit, Brian.”

“No bullshit, just the truth,” he answered smoothly, walking over to the fridge and getting a bottle of water for himself. “You want one?” He asked and wasn't surprised when Daphne shook her head.

“Why are you doing this to him?” She started immediately without preamble. That was one of the things he had always liked about Daphne. She got straight to the point, with her no time was wasted on pointless bullshit.

“Doing what exactly?”

“Why are you ignoring him and not telling him what is going on?”

“Because there is nothing to tell,” Brian snarked back at her as he took a sip from the cold water.

“Bullshit.”

“Last I checked you weren't my doctor, so care to enlighten me how you figured out that there was something going on with me?” He raised an eyebrow at her as if challenging her, but she only met his gaze with a cold one of her own.

“If nothing was going on, you wouldn't ignore him. You would have told him and things would have continued as before. Ergo, something must be going on and you don't want him to know because you don't want him to come rushing to your side.”

“Nice little theory, but unfortunately not true,” Brian drawled, lazily strolling over to his bedroom. He made sure to let the towel drop on his bed as he bent over to pick up a pair of jeans and a black wifebeater. Once he was dressed, he casually strolled back down to the kitchen area where Daphne was standing, staring at him from big eyes.

“Look, as much as I appreciate your little visit, I have other plans tonight and I am afraid I am getting a bit late, so if you don't mind,” he said, pointing towards the door.

“That's it? From one day to the other you just forget all about Justin and turn back into the stud? Ignoring all that is between you?”

“There is nothing between us. Whatever he thinks is between us, was just a dream and Justin is a big boy. He'll know that there comes a time in the life of every grown up where you need to let go of your dreams in order to live a full life.”

“Who gives you the right to make that decision for him?” Daphne spat angrily, glaring at Brian.

“I am making a decision for myself. Because this is my life. In case you haven't noticed, I am only responsible for myself and that's it. I am the only person I need to please. No one else. Not you, not Justin, just me!”

Daphne eyed the taller man standing so close to her and couldn't believe what she was hearing. “You are an asshole! At least show him the respect he deserves and break up with him in person.”

“You can only break up if you're in a relationship, Daph. I thought you knew that,” Brian drawled as if he was talking to a small child, explaining what one plus one was.

“And what is it you think you are in? Three months ago you were going to marry him, Brian. You bought him a fucking mansion to show him how much you loved him and how serious you were and now... now you claim you're not even in a relationship with him?”

“That was then, now is now. Do me a favour, Daphne and give your friend a message from me, would you?” Brian pretended to look at Daphne from puppy dog eyes which only got her to glare at him more than before and to angrily huff in annoyance.

“Tell him that we're done. There is nothing between us and there won't ever be. He is in New York and should focus on that career of his, not stay rooted in a past in Pittsburgh that will never be his future.“ 

“How can you say that? After everything the two of you have been through? After everything he's been through?” Daphne stared at him from disbelieving eyes and Brian knew that he had to give one last parting shot to make his performance believable.

“As I said, I really have to leave now. Places to be, people to fuck. It was a pleasure as always, Daphne, but let's not do this again anytime soon, alright?” And with that final parting shot he gently shoved her towards the door and out of the loft.

Just as he was about to close the door on his unexpected visitor, Daphne turned around with one last parting shot of her own. “You are an asshole. I hope you rot in hell, Brian. Though that would still be too good for you.” With that she turned around and angrily stomped down the stairs.

Once Brian was sure she had left the building, he closed the metal door and sank down in a heap, leaning his head against the door. His hand automatically wandered to his belly and rested there as if trying to draw some comfort from his baby. 

“I am sorry... so sorry... but I had to do it. I had to do it... God, I am so sorry,” he mumbled over and over again as his hand gently stroked the small bump that was hardly visible, but that he knew was there. Soon the words had been replaced by silent sobs and Brian cried like he hadn't cried since the last time he had thought that he had lost his Sunshine forever. Because he knew that was what had just happened. He knew that Daphne would call Justin as soon as was humanly possible and would tell him all about Brian's little performance here and then Justin would hate him and Brian would have lost him for good.