Chapter 6

A week and a half after Ted had found out about Brian's pregnancy, the man himself still hadn't reappeared at the Kinnetik offices. If it weren't for the occasional email Cynthia got from their CEO with instructions about certain campaigns, Ted might have thought that Brian had dropped off the face of the earth.

He knew from Emmett that Justin had been looking for Brian everywhere. He had been to the Loft, had been to Kinnetik offices – Ted was eternally grateful that Cynthia had talked to him and that he himself had been in the middle of a client meeting, because he wasn't sure if he could have kept Brian's secret if he had come face to face with Justin – had checked Woodies and Babylon, but Brian hadn't been in any of the places he normally hung out. 

According to Emmett Justin had left Pittsburgh three days ago and had returned to New York, obviously dejected and heartbroken about Brian's behaviour. Not that Ted could blame the young man. Ted sighed, once more telling himself that he should just focus on his work. This was between Brian and Justin and as much as he might disagree with Brian's behaviour, Brian was his boss and friend and Ted had no right to interfere in Brian's private life. He was not Michael after all. He knew where his part as Brian's friend ended. It had ended when he had spoken his mind and had given Brian a piece of his opinion. The rest was for Brian to decide, not Ted.

Looking through some pages of printed out spreadsheets, Ted frowned when he heard some commotion in the entrance hall. Was that Cynthia? Was she yelling? Ted immediately got up from his chair and went out of his office to check out the situation. He stopped in his tracks when he saw an angry Cynthia ripping Brian a new one on the way to his office. So Brian had decided to come back, Ted thought to himself.

He quickly ordered all employees who were eagerly watching the confrontation between their CEO and COO to get back to work, threatening them with immediate dismissal if they didn't return to their desks and then quietly entered Brian's office.

“What do you think you were doing? Just leaving like that? Leaving us alone with a shitload of presentations and meetings without as much as a word of warning? And who do you think I am? I am not your couple's counsellor. You have something to tell to Justin, you do it yourself and don't just hide like the coward you are and make me face him for you,” Cynthia yelled at her boss, obviously not scared of his reaction. Not that there was much of a reaction, Ted thought. For the moment Brian just sat behind his desk and started his computer.

During a lull in Cynthia's tirade, Brian interrupted her quietly. “Are you done? All your yelling is giving me a headache.”

“Am I done? No, Brian. I am not even close to being done. Who do you think you are to just leave like this during one of the busiest times?”

“Last time I checked, I was the boss of this company which allows me to do as I please,” Brian answered, his voice sounding beyond bored.

“As the boss you have a responsibility for your employees. I thought you cared about this company. I thought you cared about the people working for you. How could you do this? What if we had lost clients?”

“But we didn't, did we? I knew that you would be doing just fine. So stop this screaming and get back to work. I want a staff meeting in one hour with all the updates about what I missed during my absence.”

“Absence? You call this an absence? Don't make it something it wasn't. You were hiding from your partner because you're not man enough to face him and tell him that you've apparently decided that your relationship is over. You could have at least shown him the respect he deserves and could have told him in person.”

For the first time that day Ted detected a note of anger in Brian's voice when he replied to Cynthia. “My private life is none of your business. So stay out of it!”

“I would love to. But how am I supposed to if your partner shows up here and asks me where the fuck you are? Same for your so called best friend who can't get the hint that this is a place of business and that I am not his private secretary to forward messages to you. You say your private life is none of my business, then make it your own business for once and deal with it,” Cynthia snapped angrily before storming out of her boss' office.

Ted watched silently as Brian ran a hand over his face in obvious frustration and wondered if Brian had even noticed his appearance in the office. After a few seconds the older man had his doubts and quietly announced his presence.

“So you're finally back?”

Brian tensed for a second and then looked up at Ted with a mask of indifference. 

“Obviously, I am.”

“You'll need to give her a good bonus to make up for how you left her in charge of everything without as much as a moment's notice.”

“I am surprised to still see you here, Ted,” Brian muttered.

“Last I checked I was the CFO of this company, so where else would I be? Unless I have been fired once again, but this time you forgot to tell me.”

“What are you doing here, Theodore?” Brian implored once more, eyeing Ted closely.

“I didn't tell him anything if that's what you really want to know, but are too afraid to ask,” Ted answered quietly, slowly making his way over to Brian's desk. He saw something akin to relief on Brian's face and felt him relax slightly.

“I know you didn't.”

“That's not the impression I am getting,” Ted said carefully, watching Brian closely.

“If you had, he would still be here and not back in New York,” Brian muttered darkly, then looked up at his CFO. “Why didn't you?”

Ted shrugged and considered his reply before he spoke. “It's not my place to tell him.”

Brian's eyebrows rose up at that comment.

“I am your employee, but I am also your friend, Brian and as your friend I have told you and will tell you again that you're making a mistake. Justin has a right to know about the baby and you should tell him. But that's where my part as a friend ends. I can give you advice, I can support you, I can be there for you, but I am not part of your relationship with Justin. It's your responsibility to tell him and if you decide not to do that, I can disagree with you, I can argue with you about it, I can tell you again and again that you're about to make the biggest mistake of your life, but I have no right to tell him your secret.”

“Ted,” Brian started, but was immediately interrupted by his CFO.

“You put me in a shitty position, Brian. Justin is my friend,too and I don't like being caught in the middle between you two. You think this might only affect you and him, but how do you think he will react if he finds out one day that I have known from the very beginning about your pregnancy and the baby and haven't told him anything? How do you think he'll thank me for that?”

When Ted saw the surprised look on Brian's face he realised that Brian hadn't given this any thought. 

“Ted, I am...,” Brian started once more, but was once again interrupted by his employee.

“I don't care, Brian. I really don't. You have put me in a shitty position and now we'll all have to live with that. You are my boss and my friend and... I owe you for giving me a chance when no one else did or would. So I will keep your secret, don't worry. But know one thing, Brian: You will regret this! One day it will come back to bite you in the ass and not in the good life-affirming way you like so much,” Ted muttered angrily and then turned around and left Brian's office, leaving him to his own thoughts.

***   

Two days later things had finally returned to a resemblance of normal at Kinnetik. Cynthia had calmed down and was now once again talking to Brian in a normal volume instead of only yelling at him, thanks to a hefty raise and bonus from Brian and he had slowly gotten back into things at Kinnetik, catching up on everything he had missed during his ten day absence. 

Things with Ted were still a bit strained, but Ted was a professional and didn't let that impact his work. It was obvious to Brian that Ted absolutely didn't agree with what he was doing, but Ted didn't understand that it was the only choice Brian had. Did he really think Brian would just toss Justin aside if he had any other choice? Did he really think Brian wasn't hurting from having to turn back from the only person he had ever loved and who had loved him in order to give his child a happy life? Did he think this was easy for Brian? Because it sure as hell wasn't. It hurt and the pain nearly drove him crazy, especially since he couldn't fall back on his normal pain management techniques and had to resort to good, old fashioned dealing with his pain and working through it himself. 

He sighed as he left the warm shower and wrapped a towel around his waist, looking at himself in the mirror. His small bump was slightly more obvious now and Brian couldn't help but run his hand over it, gently stroking his midsection.

“We'll be fine. You and I. We'll make it work. I promise. I'll make this work for you,” Brian said quietly, absentmindedly running his hand over his stomach again and again. For some reason running his hand along his bump gave him comfort. It showed him that even though he might have lost Justin for good, he still had a part of the man with him and always would have. No, it couldn't compare to having the man himself at his side, but he already loved this baby more than he ever thought possible and he already felt the connection to this small human being growing inside of him and he knew that as long as he focused on his and Justin's child and made sure that their baby was doing alright, he would be fine as well. He owed it to this unborn baby. 

“You'll be the happiest little kid this world has ever seen, you know? You'll have everything a kid could wish for. You'll never have to ask for anything and I'll always be there to protect you. I promise,” he whispered before he was interrupted by his doorbell ringing.

Brian sighed and forced his eyes away from his reflection in the mirror. He pulled the towel up a bit, trying to hide more of his bump and then went over to open the door, expecting the meal delivery guy to bring him the Thai he had ordered 45 minutes ago.

When he opened the door, he was surprised to see Jennifer standing outside his door. “Mother Taylor,” he greeted her quietly, letting her into his Loft when he saw the determined expression on her face. There was no way he would be able to just get rid of her at the door. Not when she was looking that determined. He had known for a long time now that Justin had inherited his determined pitbull qualities from his mother and not his fucktard of a father. “To what do I owe the pleasure?”

“Do you really want to do this the hard way, Brian?” Jennifer merely raised an eyebrow as she walked over to the kitchen counter and sat down in one of the chairs.

“I like the hard way,” Brian smirked at her and then snarked. “Make yourself comfortable, why won't you?”

Jennifer merely glanced at him when she spoke next. “Why don't you finish getting dressed and I wait here?”

“Really? This still makes you uncomfortable?” Brian snorted. “At least there's a towel now,” Brian pointed out, thinking back to one of his earliest conversations with Jennifer where she had seen him in all his naked glory.

“I think we're long past me being uncomfortable,” Jennifer merely stated and then shrugged. “Suit yourself.”

Brian walked over to the fridge and got a bottle of water for himself. He raised an eyebrow at Jennifer in question. “Or would you like something stronger?”

“You got Gin?” she asked and Brian nodded and went over to his alcohol cabinet and poured her a glass. When he handed it to her and stood opposite her with his bottle of water, she frowned at him.

“You don't want anything harder?”

Brian only shrugged in response. “I still have work to do tonight. I need to keep a clear head.”

“Who do you think I am? Liza? I am not looking to get drunk here with you.”

“What a pity,” Brian only snarked in response, before taking a sip of his water.

“Brian,” Jennifer started and Brian realised by the tone of her voice, how it got all concerned and mother-like that he was in for a serious conversation with his almost mother-in-law. Not sure if he could stomach that, he interrupted her right away. 

“This is none of your business, Jennifer.”

“The hell it is, Brian.”

“Last I checked, I wasn't having a relationship with you, as dazzling as that thought might be and as much as I know you like them young, so stay out of it.”

In response Jennifer glared at him. “You are hurting my son, so that makes it my business.”

“So that's what this is? Mama grizzly is out to defend her little baby?”

Jennifer just waved away his question. “He doesn't need me to defend him. He is well able to do that on his own without my help.”

“Then why are you here?” Brian asked with a raised eyebrow, slightly surprised by Jennifer's answer. Yes, she was right. Justin was well able to stand up for himself and to defend himself as he had shown from a very young age, but if she wasn't here to kick his ass for his behaviour towards her son, then why was she there?

“To check on you,” she replied matter-of-factly and looked him straight in the eyes. Brian wasn't sure if he liked what he saw in those eyes. He saw concern and was it love? No, he didn't want to think about that.

“I am just peachy,” Brian replied way too cheerfully, hoping he could throw Jennifer off, but just like Justin, she immediately saw through him.

“You know? I meant it when I said that I was sorry to not be your mother-in-law, Brian. You might not believe me, but over the years, I actually came to like you.” Jennifer actually chuckled when she saw Brian's raised eyebrow. “I'll admit that we didn't get off to the best of starts and...,” she sighed. “I wasn't always fair to you, but over the years, I started to see the truth with my own eyes. I know how much you love Justin, even if you might not be able to see it yourself at times. I saw how you always took care of him, how you were always there when he needed you, even at times when you were not together and …,” she took a deep breath before she continued. “I know how you tried to push him off your so called cliffs, so he would get a chance at a different life. That, more than anything showed me how much you loved him. You always wanted the best for him even if it was at your own expense. It took me time to see and accept that, but I do now. You love my son with all your heart and would do everything for him and how could I not love and respect you for that?”

When Brian didn't reply and just stared at the water bottle in his hands, Jennifer continued. “Something must have happened for you to push him off a cliff again. To do it now that he's in New York. I just want to make sure that you're alright, Brian. I worry about you, believe it or not.”

“I am fine,” Brian muttered quietly after what seemed like a silence that lasted an eternity. 

“Then why now?” Jennifer asked.

Brian was about to answer her when Jennifer saw his face contort in a mask of discomfort and then saw him rushing off to his bathroom. Her eyes followed Brian disappear through his bedroom into the bathroom and seconds later she could hear retching sounds. She contemplated for a second what she should do, but in the end just followed quietly and looked at Brian's huddled form in front of his toilet bowl as he retched once more. She quietly moved past him and handed him a wet washcloth when he seemed to be done throwing up.

“Is it the cancer again?” She asked quietly as she saw Brian get up and clean himself up. When he just shook his head, she eyed him in concern. “HIV?” she asked fearfully.

“No,” he muttered quietly, once again finding himself in front of his mirror. He looked at his exhausted features and couldn't help his eyes wandering down his image in the mirror until they rested on his midsection. He hadn't noticed how subconsciously his hand had wandered down once again and now rested on his stomach. He also didn't notice how Jennifer's eyes had followed his movements and now widened in surprise.

“Oh my god... you're... you're...pregnant?”

Brian shook himself as if coming back out of a trance and turned to look at the wide eyed woman next to him. He cursed himself for a second for his subconscious betraying him and thought about denying her question, but then he saw her eyes rest on his bump and knew that there was no way he could plausibly deny his pregnancy, so in the end he just nodded quietly.

“Why didn't you tell Justin?” 

“Maybe I did,” he just answered tiredly and then left the bathroom, walking over to his sofa and plopping down in exhaustion. He felt more tired than he had in weeks, knowing that now it was only a matter of time before Justin would show up on his doorstep. Because Brian didn't have a doubt that Jennifer would tell him as soon as she had left his loft. 

“He would be here if you had,” she pointed out sternly, knowing her son well enough to know that her statement was true.

“Well, maybe it's none of your business,” Brian tried snarking at her, but only got a raised eyebrow in reply. 

“Don't even try that with me, Brian,” she reprimanded him sternly, sounding like a mother reprimanding her misbehaving child. Jennifer sat down next to Brian and wondered why Brian would keep a pregnancy from her son and really only one thought came to her head that could make Brian keep this a secret from her son.

“It's not Justin's, is it?” she asked quietly.

Brian turned to her with one of the iciest glares she had ever seen and spat at her in reply. “Of course it is!” 

“Then why haven't you told him? He will be ecstatic. God, he will be so excited,” she enthused, already able to see her son's excited face in her mind as he prepared to get ready for a baby.

“Stop right there with your happy grandma Taylor fantasies,” Brian said harshly, getting up from his seat on the sofa and pacing in front of his large windows. “They're not going to happen and be true one day. So don't even go there.”

“Brian, what...”

“He will not find out about this,” Brian said angrily. 

“Of course he will. Brian, you said it's his child. He has a right to know,” Jennifer argued.

“And I have decided that he will not be part of this pregnancy and this child's life,” Brian continued, not looking at the woman on his sofa. “You want to know why I have pushed him off one of my cliffs?” Brian pointed to his small bump. “Here is your reason. He is not to know about this.”

“Are you getting rid of it?” Jennifer asked, now getting angry herself.

“What? NO!” Brian exclaimed, feeling horrified that she could even think something like that about him. “I have no intention to get rid of this baby.”

“Then why are you not letting him know? It's his baby, Brian.”

When Brian didn't answer her and only continued pacing, Jennifer felt herself grow impatient. “He has a right to know, Brian. He has a right to know that he will be a father.”

“He has a right to his career and to live the life he always wanted,” Brian only retorted.

“What?”

“He didn't sign up for this. A pregnancy and a baby was not part of his plan. Of our plan. I will not force him to give up his career so he can become a happy housewife.”

“Brian, what...,” Jennifer started, but didn't get much further as Brian apparently had more to say.

“He went to New York to work on his career, to establish himself as an artist. I will not take that away from him so he can settle into a life he didn't ask for. You and I both know he would give it all up in a second to do the right thing. To do the honourable thing. That's the kind of man he is, but I will not do that to him. He has a right to his career and the life he wants and I will not take that away from him because we weren't careful enough.”

Jennifer could easily see how much the man in front of her was hurting. She could see that even though Brian sounded harsh and rough, he was hurting deep inside. It was plain to see on his face and in his eyes. He was letting Justin go, so he could follow his own dreams at the expense of his own heart. Once again Brian was pushing Justin off one of his cliffs so Justin could be happy, not caring how much it hurt himself. And she saw that he was hurting.

She got up and slowly walked over to the man in front of her, putting her hand on his shoulder in a gentle caress. “The life he wants is a life with you, Brian. You know that. He will be ecstatic about this baby. He always dreamed of having a family.”

“Not now,” Brian just muttered darkly and turned away from Jennifer's touch.

“Well, the timing might not be perfect, I give you that, but if you think for one second that Justin would choose a career over his child, you're wrong. He would never do that.”

“I know,” Brian whispered, slumping down to his knees. “I fucking know...”

“Then why don't you tell him? Why don't you let him be happy and enjoy this?” Jennifer asked, sinking down next to the man on the floor.

“He deserves a chance at this career. He deserves everything life has to offer. I can't take that away from him. I won't. He... He might be happy now and he might enjoy this now, but... years down the line? He will hate me. He will hate me for forcing him into a life he wasn't ready for,” Brian whispered and Jennifer wasn't surprised when she saw tears running down his cheeks. This only confirmed even more how much the man at her side was hurting. Brian Kinney didn't cry. Not in front of others. She had only seen him cry once before and that was when Justin had been hurt and had been close to dying. So it wasn't hard for her to imagine his pain right now.

“He could never hate you,” Jennifer assured the man at her side.

“He is too young, Jennifer. He is too young to be forced into settling down and taking care of a family. This is his time to establish himself as an artist, to find his own way in the world and I will not take that away from him. I will not!”

“Brian, you can't make that decision for him. This is a life-altering event and he has a right to make that decision himself. You can't take that away from him.”

Brian got up and once again started pacing in front of his windows. “You can't tell him,” he turned to look at Jennifer and his eyes were almost pleading.

“Brian,” Jennifer started, getting up as well. “He has a right to know. He has a right to make his own decisions. Yes, he might be too young, but... you are the one who always told me he was more mature than his age and that if he wants to make mistakes all we can do is be there and support him when he realises it was a mistake. Just because he's younger than you, you can't take this decision away from him. You can't, Brian!”

“If you tell him, I will be gone,” Brian shot at her, then turned around to look out the window, staring at the Pittsburgh skyline with tense shoulders.

“What?” Jennifer just eyed him in disbelief.

“You heard me,” Brian's voice was harsh and Jennifer knew that his walls had come back up. Justin had talked to her often enough about Brian's protection mechanisms and had seen his walls come up often enough herself to know that he was only trying to protect himself from more pain.

“Brian, don't be ridiculous,” Jennifer pleaded with the man.

“I mean it. If you tell him and he shows up here, I am gone. I will close down Kinnetik and disappear and you will have no way to find me.”

“Brian, you can't do that!” 

“I will... He has a right to his life and his career. I will not take that away from him. If you want to, be my guest. But I won't be here to watch the show. I will not be part of that. If you tell him about this baby, I will be gone and you will never hear from me ever again.”

“Brian...,” Jennifer started once more, this time trying a different way to get to the man. “He will hate you. When he finds out that you kept this a secret from him, he will never forgive you.”

“He will never find out,” Brian just said quietly.

“What? You plan to disappear from his life for the rest of his days? To never let him know that he has a son or a daughter? Brian, he loves you. He wants to marry you. He already has his whole life mapped out with you. Damn, you bought him that huge mansion to show him how much he means to you and now he has his whole life planned out with you and him in that mansion. Do you really think you can just disappear from his life never to see him again?”

“Jennifer, I know you don't agree, but it's best this way.”

That comment made Jennifer angry. “No, it's not! It might be best for you because you don't have to deal with Justin ever again, but keeping his baby from him, keeping his own child's existence from him, just disappearing from his life without as much as a goodbye to him after you were supposed to get married – that's just cruel, Brian! It is beyond cruel.”

“He will get over it... he'll get over me... with time...,” Brian whispered, still not looking at Jennifer, but at the Pittsburgh skyline outside his window. 

“If you really believe that, you're lying to yourself, Brian. All you will achieve is that he'll hate you for the rest of his days,” Jennifer muttered angrily.

“If that will ensure that he gets the career he deserves, I can live with that,” Brian answered, his voice void of any emotion at all. 

“I thought you loved him, Brian. I really thought you did, but I guess you just fooled me like you fooled him as well.”

Brian turned to her and looked at her from pained eyes. “Why do you think I am doing this? Why do you think I am letting him follow his dreams and his career instead of calling him back? Do you really think I want to do this on my own? Do you really think I don't want him by my side for this? You've got no idea how much I wish things could be different and he could be here by my side. I love him, Jennifer. More than life itself and that is the very reason why I can't force him into a life he's not ready for. I love him too much to bear the thought that one day he will come to resent me and our child because he had to give up too much to be able to be with us. I love him enough to let him go so he can have the life he deserves and not force him into one he doesn't really want once he starts thinking about it clearly.”

“If you loved him, you would let him make that decision himself and wouldn't take away his right to choose,” Jennifer just spat and then grabbed her purse before leaving the loft, angrily slamming the door on her way out.

Brian stood and looked at the closed door for what felt like an eternity, before he finally sank down on his sofa once more, nothing more than a heap of flesh and bones.