Chapter 30

It had taken Brian another five weeks to come to a final decision concerning Carl's request and what to do about it. He had talked the issue over with his therapist during his last three appointments and had voiced his thoughts, his anger and most of all his fears concerning Carl's request to meet with Debbie.

His therapist had asked him why it had been so hard for him to make a decision on whether or not he wanted to see Debbie and in the end Brian had had to admit that it had been so hard because he still loved her and because she had hurt him and he was scared of being hurt again by her.

They had covered a lot of Brian's fear of rejection in their therapy sessions and Brian knew that most of those fears stemmed from his parents never giving him the love he felt any child deserved, but at least it had always felt like Debbie had given him that parental love. Until she had taken it away to bestow it on that undeserving prick of a son.

Brian had voiced his anger at Debbie choosing Michael over him when it had been so clear that Michael had been in the wrong and talking about that anger and Debbie's behaviour had also brought to light many other buried emotions that Brian had tried to not let affect him. All the times Debbie had blamed him for Michael getting into trouble, all the times Debbie had requested that he fix Michael's problems for him, all the times she had chosen Michael's side and made it clear to him that he would never be as loved by her as her real son was.

The therapist had helped him see that one of the reasons why he felt so strongly about her and why he had felt so betrayed by her was his love for her and yes, in the end Brian had had to agree that after all that had happened he still loved Debbie. They had talked about why the relationship between Debbie and Brian as it had always been had been an unhealthy relationship and why it was not really a good relationship to begin with and with time and the help of his therapist Brian had started to see that yes, he wanted Debbie back in his life, but no, they couldn't go on like they had before.

At first Brian had been scared of losing her completely if he didn't just pretend that nothing had happened as he had always done whenever she had chosen Michael over him, but his therapist had made him see that he was worth more than that and that he deserved more than that from a person who refered to him as a second son. Over the course of two sessions the therapist and Brian worked out ways in which Brian could make Debbie see that she had hurt him and that their old relationship didn't have a future, but that he would be willing to try and work at a new, better, more healthy relationship between them.

After they had reached that milestone, Brian had once again been gripped by an almost crippling fear that Debbie would reject him, that she would just brush off his feelings and claim that he play by her rules as had always been the case and that fear alone had almost made him brush away the idea of ever talking to her again, but his therapist had carefully pointed out how Brian had nothing to lose, but so much to gain. If he got Debbie to understand how wrong she had treated him over the years, if he could make her see her mistakes, they would have a chance to move on and move towards a healthy, good relationship. If he couldn't, well, yes, it would hurt and be painful, but in the end he wouldn't be any worse off than he was now where she was out of his life completely. What it came down to, or so the therapist had explained, was if Brian loved her enough and wanted her in his life enough to risk the chance of getting hurt once more, if the payoff could be getting her back into his life.

Those thoughts had kept Brian awake for more than one night and it had also taken him conversations with Jennifer and Ted to come to a final decision.

Brian hadn't expected either one to really be supportive of him and Debbie talking and had been pretty sure that they would both tell him to just forget about Debbie and move on, seeing what kind of things she had said to them as well, but especially Jennifer had surprised Brian.

She had told him that if he still felt any love for Debbie at all, he should try and salvage that love and try to work on their relationship with all he had. Not only for himself, but also for his sons. Didn't they deserve a second grandmother that loved them to bits? Didn't they deserve Carl as a grandfather who loved them just as much as their grandmothers did?

At that point Brian had had to admit to himself that he hadn't really considered Gus or Luke in any of his thought process. Luke had been too small to really remember Debbie and Gus had probably just thought she was another person who had left him like his mothers had. That thought had pained Brian immensely because he had always known how much Debbie had loved both his sons and the more he thought about that, the more he realised that he didn't only owe it to himself, but also to his sons to work out his issues with her, so they got a chance at a second set of grandparents. As was the situation at the moment their family wasn't what one would call big and mostly consisted of Jennifer, Ted and Blake and occasional visits from Cynthia, which were mostly related to work though and had her visiting him at Britin on the days he worked from home. Could he be as selfish as to say that his sons didn't deserve more of a family that would love them?

And then he was brought back to the kind of conditional love that Debbie used to bestow on him and that he didn't want his sons to experience and that he wanted to protect them from. Brian had also talked about those fears with his therapist and once again it had come down to him setting clear rules and boundaries for any ongoing relationship they might have. If Debbie didn't think she could live by his rules, then maybe she wasn't a person he wanted in his life.

Ted, other than Jennifer, hadn't really had any opinion at all, though Brian doubted that to be true. In any case however, Ted hadn't voiced his opinion to Brian and had just encouraged him to do what he thought would be the right thing to do. Ted had told him that whatever he decided in the end, Ted would be there as his friend to support him and so would Blake, but Ted had also made it clear that he wouldn't point Brian in any direction at all, as he knew that Brian and Debbie had had a completely different relationship from his own with Debbie and that this was a decision Brian had to make. No one else!

And in the end Brian had made a decision, even though he still wasn't sure if it was the right one or not. He had decided that talking to Debbie couldn't hurt and that his therapist was right: In the end it might hurt, but he wouldn't be worse off than he was now.

So there he was, waiting in Kinnetik's conference room, waiting for Debbie to show up. He hadn't wanted to invite her to Britin, that had just seemed too early and wrong somehow and he hadn't wanted to meet at her place, a place that held so many memories, both painful and beautiful. In the end he had decided on meeting at Kinnetik, as the conference room would be a neutral location. Brian was wringing his hands as he waited for the clock to read 4pm which was when Debbie and Carl were supposed to meet him.

Looking at the clock and realising that it was 3.58pm, Brian wished that he could be with Luke and Gus who were out at an indoor playground having fun with Grandma Jen. Not that Brian wanted to be at an indoor playground with hundreds of yelling and overexcited children. Actually that was pretty much his nightmare come true. Yes, he loved his sons, but other children still annoyed the hell out of him more often than not and he was grateful that Jennifer had offered to take his sons there, so he didn't have to go. And yet, right now, he'd rather be there than here at this table where he knew Debbie and Carl would arrive any minute.

As if called by his thoughts, there was a knock on the door and Cynthia came in.

“Brian, they're here. I'll lead them in and will close up afterwards. Everyone else has left early today and you'll be undisturbed,” she said quietly.

Brian only nodded at her, acknowledging what she had said and then waited for Carl and Debbie to be led into the conference room.

“Carl, Debbie,” Brian greeted them in a neutral voice, trying to keep all emotions out of it. Sometimes he was glad that he was such an experienced ad man, because that meant that he had a poker face that he used during business meetings and that he was using now as well.

“Brian,” Carl shook his hand and then made his way over to the seat Brian had directed him to. “I'm glad you agreed to this meeting.”

Brian just nodded, then pointed at another chair for Debbie to sit down. He was surprised that she hadn't said anything yet and hadn't called him 'asshole' once so far. In his worst nightmares about this meeting she had stormed into his office and called him names, but at least that hadn't come true yet.

They all poured themselves some coffee which someone in Brian's staff had prepared for them and settled down, preparing themselves for what they knew would come next.

“Brian,” Debbie spoke quietly, but he only held up his hand to interrupt her, which surprisingly had worked. She didn't go on and just looked at him.

“Before you get to speak, there are some things I have to say. I don't really care if you like to hear them or not, but these are things I just need to get off my chest. And I need to get them off my chest before we can talk about anything else,” Brian announced seriously.

Debbie eyed him warily for a second, but in the end just nodded, which once again surprised Brian. He had expected her to call him a 'little shit' and to tell him that no one would stop her from talking when she wanted to, but once again she had surprised him by staying quiet.

As Brian gathered his thoughts, he took a good look at the woman he had considered his surrogate mother for so many years. He could see that she had put on some weight and he couldn't say that he was surprised with what Carl had told him about how Debbie spent her days. Her food had always been fattening and unhealthy and if she didn't leave the house or got any movement by working at the diner, he could easily see how she would gain a couple of pounds. He also saw that the glow from her eyes had gone and her eyes looked sad and kind of dull. He had never seen Debbie that unhappy before, but he figured that that had to be expected after the year she had had as well. He started to feel something akin to pity for the woman sitting opposite him, but forced himself to not let it affect him and to go on with what he had to say.

He took a deep breath once he had gathered his thoughts and clasped his hands on the top of the table as he began speaking in a quiet, serious voice.

“I loved you like a mother. Ever since I was fourteen years old and you let me stay at your house, ever since you patched me up and gave me food, ever since you made sure I would get my homework done and would tell me off for not doing it. I loved you like I have never loved my own mother, because she never cared about me like you did. Or so I thought. I felt like you cared for me and loved me, too. When you told everyone that I was like a second son to you, I believed you and I meant it when I called you Maw and considered you more of my mother than my real mother has ever been.”

Debbie was about to interrupt at that point, but Brian just held up his hand once more. “You can talk as well, but first I need to get this out. Then you can talk,” he said quietly and at first Debbie looked ready to protest, but once Carl gently laid his hand on her arm, she just sighed and then nodded slowly.

This was enough for Brian to continue. “I always knew that I wasn't your real son and to me there was never any doubt about how much you loved Michael, but... call me foolish, I thought to myself that on some level you loved me just like you loved Michael. I told myself for years that you considered me as much your son as you did him, but... with time and age I realised that was never the case.”

Brian looked at her with a hard expression when he went on. “You always blamed me for anything not going right in Michael's life. You always blamed me for anything he did wrong. If Michael failed a class, it must have been my fault for making him skip classes to begin with or for all the bad things you thought I made him do. It was my fault that he smoked, it was my fault that he drank, it was my fault that he couldn't finish High School with better grades, it was my fault that he wasn't cut out for college and later it became my fault if his relationships didn't work out, it became my fault if he couldn't hold on to a job, it became my fault that he had an unhealthy obsession with me. Everything was my fault and I allowed you to tell me that again and again and again and again I took the blame and tried my best to right his wrongs, so you wouldn't stop caring for me and wouldn't stop loving me. I was so scared to lose you, that I allowed you to turn the love I knew you felt for me into an unhealthy, conditional love. I allowed you to put a price tag on our relationship, I allowed you to guilt me into paying for your mortgage, for Michael's comic book store whenever he couldn't pay the mortgage on his own or for any other bills you felt like I owed you to pay. And I did it all because I had the money and actually believed that I had to pay you back in order to keep you in my life.”

“Brian, I...”

“I am not finished,” Brian only said quietly, glaring at her, willing her to stay quiet. “I had no experience with any kind of love and I actually believed that it was normal to love like that. I thought it was the only love I was deserving of and that it was the only kind of love I was good enough for, but... then Justin came and... Gus came and Luke came and with time I realised that that's not how I loved them. It wasn't how I treated them and it wasn't how they treated me. I slowly learned that there was also a different kind of love, a selfless love, an unconditional love which for some reason I had never felt coming from you. And at first I thought, well, it must be my fault, I must not be deserving of that love, but Justin, Gus and Luke thought I was and the more I've been thinking about it, the more I've been asking myself why they could love me like that, but you couldn't... And then I started to understand that you didn't love me like I always thought you had loved me. I wasn't like a son to you or you would have been just as blind to my faults as you had been to Michael's for years. You always made me face up if I had done something wrong, but god forbid you would actually make Michael face his actions. No, you only did it with me, because I wasn't yours and didn't deserve as much love as he did.”

Brian stared at his hands as he spoke, not daring to look at Debbie or Carl. He needed to get this all out, he knew if he didn't, he would never get a chance to say these things again.

“And still, I didn't mind. I was okay with it. I thought: Well, if that's the only love she can give me, I'll take it. I was craving that desperately for motherly love, that I didn't mind at all. The moment I started minding was when you chose to be on Michael's side after what he did. After he helped Lindsay to abduct my child. When you chose his side then, my eyes were opened and I finally realised that you were never the mother I thought you were, the mother I wanted you to be. The mother I needed you to be,” Brian ended on a whisper.

“You hurt me, Debbie. Badly! I had done nothing. Michael had done something so abominably bad and still you supported him and accused me of being at fault. That hurt me more than I ever thought you could hurt me. And... I will never forget that you were the one who hurt me like that,” Brian ended. “I will always know it was you!”

Brian had expected Debbie to retort something, to yell at him, say something, anything really, but he hadn't expected the heavy silence that engulfed his conference room. He tried to get his own emotions under control and when he felt secure enough to actually look at either Carl or Debbie, he lifted his head and was surprised when his eyes settled on a quietly crying Debbie. Carl's hand was still on her arm in an encouraging gesture, but other than that, he didn't get involved at all. Debbie was quietly crying to herself and not knowing what to do or say, Brian just let her.

It took several moments for the loud, boisterous woman to calm down and when she did, she looked at Brian from eyes that were filled with so much pain and regret that he shivered from the intensity that he could see in them.

“I... I don't know what to say,” Debbie said quietly, in a total un-Debbie voice. “I am so sorry, Brian. God... so sorry. I wish I could have been the mother you would have deserved, but... I guess I was fooling myself as well as you when I thought I was. I... never fucking meant to hurt you, but... I know I did and I am sorry.” She dabbed at her eyes with a handkerchief that Carl had handed her before she continued.

“I am sorry that I didn't see Michael for what he was and that I chose him over you. I... I know how wrong I was to do that and...I will regret it for the rest of my life.”

She looked up at Brian until their eyes met. “You have never been anything but good to us. To all of us, me, Michael and Vic. Vic loved you so much, Brian and... I fucking wish I would have listened to him when he told me to take a good look at my son whenever I accused you of wrongdoing. I think he saw Michael for who he really was and also saw who you really were and I only wish I would have as well. You have so much love in you and... when you met Justin, I was so happy for you. He made you a better person,” Debbie said quietly, then shook her head, as if to push away that thought. “No, he really didn't. He... he only brought out the person you always have been. Sunshine was able to see the real you and brought him to the surface and I am sorry I was never able to do the same. You would have deserved so much more from me and... especially this last year, I fucked up so badly. You have no idea how much I regret all that happened and if I could... I would turn back time and this time make the right decision. I let my own guilt over Michael's upbringing cloud my judgment. I always felt so bad because he grew up with a single mother, no father in his life and I guess I felt the need to overcompensate and... I could only see that he needed me on his side because he didn't have anyone else. I didn't see that you would have needed a mother as well. How badly you were hurt and how badly I hurt you by being on his side instead of yours and... I will never forgive myself for that.”

She sighed as she looked down at her hands. “I have lost everyone and everything that has ever meant anything to me, I almost lost Carl as well and... I know that I deserve it all and so much more for all the mistakes I have made and for how I have treated you. I... I wish I could change the past, but I can't and now I'll pay for it for the rest of my life.”

“You didn't deserve any of this,” Brian said quietly, feeling for the woman sitting opposite him, the only mother figure he had ever had in his life. “Neither of us did.”

“I am just glad that you seem to be doing okay and I hope that Gus and Luke are doing fine as well. You deserve all the happiness you can get, Brian.”

“They're okay. It's been tough at times, but I think the worst is over now,” Brian said quietly, thinking about all the progress Gus had made with his therapist and how much better he was doing now. Thankfully Luke had been too small to really remember anything and had always been his sunny self.

“Thank you for telling me, Brian. I know I have no right to know, but... I am fucking happy they're alright.”

An uncomfortable silence settled over the conference room and neither of the three occupants of the room really knew what to say or how to proceed. In the end it was Carl who cleared his throat and was the first to speak.

“Thank you for your time, Brian. I... I think we've already taken up enough of your time and should be heading out now,” he said quietly, turning towards Debbie and nodding at her in silent conversation. She nodded back and was about to get up, when Brian's voice interrupted their leaving.

“Wait,” he said quietly, eyeing them from his hazel eyes, that right that moment were windows to his soul. They spoke of his pain, of the betrayal he felt and of so much hurt, but they also spoke of love and hope. “I... I,” he started, but then didn't know how to continue. He cursed himself for not knowing how to say what he knew he wanted to say.

Both Debbie and Carl looked at him patiently, giving him the time he obviously needed.

“I meant it when I said that I was hurt and... I won't lie, I can't continue with the relationship we've been having. It's been unhealthy and toxic,” he said slowly and he could see on Debbie's face how every single one of his words hurt her like a stab to her heart. He didn't want to hurt her, but he knew he needed to say this for his own peace of mind as much as for any chance at a possible future they might have in each other's lifes. “I can't expose Gus and Luke to a relationship like that,” he finished quietly, seeing new tears on Debbie's face as Carl squeezed her hand.

“However...,” he continued and he could see the frown on Carl's face when he spoke. “I... I don't want to lose you and I don't want Gus and Luke to lose the only set of grandparents they have. Jennifer is great, but she can't make up for a grandpa,” he said quietly. “I... I can't continue like we have, but... maybe... we can build something new... if you want to, that is,” Brian ended, surprised at himself that he had actually gotten all this out in one go and had actually said all that out loud. He felt slightly ridiculous for how nervous and scared his last words had sounded, but he couldn't help it. It was how he felt and now the ball was in Debbie's court. He had bared his soul to her and had explained his feelings to her and now it was on her to decide how to react to that. “Something healthy,” he added, almost as an afterthought and watched the emotions play on Debbie's face. He saw how her dejected features slowly perked up and how a small smile spread on her expressive face.

“Do you mean it?” She asked, obviously not trusting what she had heard.

“Yeah,” he whispered quietly and now couldn't stop his own tears from falling.

“I would fucking love to, asshole,” Debbie whispered just as quietly and let out a teary chuckle when she heard Brian snort in reaction to her calling him 'asshole'.

“Okay,” Brian said quietly and looked at Debbie from teary eyes. “I... I won't be able to just forget what happened, but... I want to try and move on from it. I want to try and rebuilt whatever can be saved from our relationship and I want it to become something healthier than it used to be.”

Debbie nodded in agreement, smiling at him through her own tears. “I would love that.”

Not knowing what had overcome him, Brian noticed how his feet moved closer to where Debbie stood as if on their own accord and all of a sudden he was standing right in front of her. He looked her straight in the eyes with a question in his own expressive brown eyes and when he saw Debbie nod ever so slightly, he engulfed her in his arms. Usually, she was the one that would hug everyone and everything that was moving, but Brian had seen the hesitation in her eyes and her demeanour and he had known that now it was his turn to hug her. He saw it as kind of a peace offering from his side and when he held his surrogate mother close, he finally allowed his emotions free reign. All the months of having missed her and having needed her by his side, all the months of pain and hurt, he let it all out as he hugged her close and after only a moment's hesitation was hugged back by her.

They stood like that for what felt like an eternity, both crying and allowing their emotions free reign, finding comfort in each other's arms and presence.

“Thank you, Brian,” Debbie said quietly, before she finally let go of him after what had at least been ten minutes of crying in each other's arms. “I... I am sorry and I promise, I will do better from now on.”

Brian only nodded as he wiped away his tears. “I will need time, Debbie,” he said quietly and in a serious voice, wanting her to understand that he couldn't just go back to what she might consider a normal relationship for them. “Please, understand that.”

She nodded quietly, leaning over and giving him a kiss on his cheek. “All the time that you need.”

In the end Brian promised that he would contact her when he felt ready to and Debbie accepted that without complaint. She knew that Brian had given her more of a chance than she deserved and she would do all she could to not blow it.

After her and Carl were gone, Brian sank down in his chair and just looked at the table in front of him for the longest time. He couldn't exactly say why, but to him it felt as if he had made the right choice when he had agreed to meet with her. He just hoped that he wouldn't be disappointed by her again.