Chapter 14: What Perfection Is

“Failing down is your heart, Above the ruins of the thoughts

Trying to go in the uncertainty, Your dogma suffers in the shades

Condemned in the illusions of the perfection

Your sickness true. In tears, drowned

Holding for pain, Forging a smile

Come as flower, Beyond the nightmares

With the awake of the sun In ground of thorns

Returning to the Eden as delirium

Beyond the worry's walls

Returning to the dust of the essence

The crosses of the memory Come as flower

To the gate of your way

Failing down In the shades of your past

Your sickness true. In tears, drowned

Holding for pain

Then ignoring and you will be forging the paradise.”

Sunday, February 24th 2008

Justin awoke in the bedroom of his loft apartment. He turned from his back to his side and saw Brian lying beside him, staring.

“Good Morning,”Brian said softly. “Did you sleep well?”

Justin looked over at his alarm clock and saw that he'd slept the whole night without even having to wake up and go to the bathroom. That was a miracle, but he also knew it was probably because of dehydration. He was still so angry with Brian. He couldn’t bring himself to look at Brian. He needed something to drink and use the restroom to get his thoughts together.

“You…you okay?” Brian asked. He tried to put his hand on Justin’s shoulder but the blond shook him off.

“Yeah. I’m fine. I've… I’ve gotta go to the bathroom.” He got out of the bed as quickly as possible. He didn’t want to look at Brian. He didn’t understand why the man had gone and picked him up in the airport in the first place. He didn’t want false hope.

Justin relieved himself, washed his face and hands and dug out a paper cup from the cabinet under the sink. He filled the small cup up five times to quench his thirst. Then, Justin stared at himself in the mirror. He wondered if Brian could tell the changes in his face. His eyes had puffiness underneath and his cheeks seemed to fatten up a bit. He didn’t really have to wonder if Brian noticed the changes, he’d seen the man looking at him when he awoke, his expression one Justin had not seen before. Brian was a detail-oriented man and usually, he noticed everything. This quirk, also served to be one of the reasons that Brian was such an amazing lover.

Justin walked back into the bedroom and blinked at the sight before him. He hadn’t realized it when he first woke. Brian was still completely clothed and Justin knew that never happened! This shock didn’t quell his anger though. “What are you doing here Brian? I thought you'd go back to your condo after I fell asleep.”

Brian felt like Justin slapped him in the face. He’d never heard the boy talk to him so harshly. He quickly swung his legs off the bed and stood up. He turned his back to Justin and put his head in his hands, trying his best to remain calm. “I thought you wanted me,” he spoke, his voice tortured and throaty.

“Brian you know I do. It is you who doesn't want me. I don’t understand why you came to airport to pick me up. You’re only hurting me more by showing up, showing me that you care… when… when you don’t want all I come with. That shows me that you don’t want me, Brian.” The blond touched Brian's back with his fingertips. “Please look at me,” he begged.

The brunet turned to face the blond. “That isn't true Justin. You know that I love you. I’ve always wanted you. You know that don’t you? Tell me you do,” Brian pleaded back at him.

“Didn’t you hear what I said?” Justin took Brian's hand and placed it on his belly. “You don't want our babies Brian. They are a part of me. They’re a part of you. They’re the best part of both of us.”

Brian looked down at Justin's naked stomach. He'd stared at it for the last couple of hours he’d watched Justin sleeping. He'd even gone out to his car and gotten his camera equipment and took pictures while Justin slept on. Brian had wanted to touch Justin but he decided to leave him alone. He feared that he would wake the younger man and it had been obvious the blond needed to rest. Justin had fallen asleep the moment he got in Brian’s car and had barely awoken when Brian led him into his apartment and to bed.

Brian's eyelashes fluttered a little from the emotional sensations he was experiencing. Justin guided his hand all around to caress his creamy skin.

Brian thought that Justin's stomach would feel much harder than it did. Instead, when Justin pressed a little Brian felt a soft firmness he couldn’t have described. He really liked touching Justin's stomach now.

Justin studied Brian's expressions and felt his heart skip a beat. The beauty and contentment on his lover's face brought tears to his eyes. He wanted so badly to be a family with Brian. He wanted to show Brian what love really was. “Brian?”

Brian opened his eyes and looked into Justin's blue depths. “Yes?” Justin's hand lifted off his own but Brian still left his hand on the soft belly and moved it around.

“I love you Brian. I do. But you have to tell me whether or not you are going to stick around. I can't have you coming and going in my life. It will hurt our children and me too much! Do you understand?” Justin raised his hands and cupped Brian's face in them. He stared deeply into the photographer's hazel eyes, pleading with the man to understand.

Brian blinked a few times and closed his eyes to lean into Justin's touch. He'd missed the way Justin touched him so much. His heart tightened and he could feel the urge to cry but he wanted to go through with his plan. He needed to. He opened his eyes, took Justin’s soft hands into his own, and pulled him to sit down beside him on the bed.

“Tell me Brian,” Justin said softly. He could tell that Brian was trying to gain confidence to tell him something big.

He asked the questions that had been plaguing him for far too long. “Do you think the babies will think I'm stupid? You know... when they're older. I...I don't want to be an embarrassment to them. I don’t want them to be hurt because of me and the way I am. Why would you want me to be their father Justin? Don’t you think they’ll be ashamed of me?”

Justin felt his heart break, hearing Brian's words and seeing his serious expression. “Brian,” he choked on his lover’s name. The blond leaned into Brian and put his arms around him. “We'll teach our children to be respectful and accepting. There will be nothing to be ashamed of about you or me for that matter. There isn't now Brian. I wish you'd only believe that.”

Brian could hear the desperation in his lovers' voice. He'd missed Justin so much. The last six weeks without the man had felt worse than the years he hadn't been with him at all. Because he knew exactly what he was missing, it wasn't just wondering. He knew every moment Justin was gone, what could be. Though he’d been so sure it’d be impossible to have it again. “Are you sure?”

“I promise,” Justin whispered. He smiled softly. “Of course, when they’re teenagers they’ll probably be embarrassed by both of us. All teenagers hate their parents. But I promise you, that beside the silly teenager phase our children will love you Brian.”

Brian knew that Justin loved him and wouldn't lie to him. He wanted so badly to believe what the blond said was true. “I want them to be proud of their father,” he said finally. “I know they'll be proud to introduce you as their dad to people but...”

“Stop this Brian. Stop it. They aren't going to be doing that for years from now. They're just babies. We'll take it once step at a time. They aren't going to know anything is different about you and the way you like things because all parents are different. That's just how it is. All people are different and unique and it is okay to be that way. No matter what my parents,” he leaned his forehead against Brian's and stared into his eyes, “or yours may have told us. It’s okay to be different. I love you just the way you are. The babies will love you just the same way Brian Kinney. You have to believe that we can do this. You have to decide now. I will be here for you and will help you but you have to at least agree to be here, with us.”

Brian didn't want to lose his children. One day they might grow to dislike his weird quirks and temperament but they would hate him if he didn't know them at all. They would think he abandoned them and Justin. Because that would be, what he'd be doing. Whether he supported them financially or not. Not that Justin even needed his money. He would have to stay with Justin. They would work out how to raise the children. There was nothing else for him to do.

Justin watched as Brian soaked in his words. It did finally seem like the man was really listening to him. For once, the brunet believed in the faith Justin had in him. He knew that everything in their lives would take some adjusting to with the babies. But all parents made huge adjustments to their lives when a child came along. They could do it. Despite Brian's doubts and fears, Justin knew they could. They would make great parents. He would be able to see Brian experience real parental love first hand.

Brian kissed Justin's nose, drew back away from him, and reached inside the pocket of his pants. He pulled out the box and opened it. He was a little uncertain about the shocked look on the blond's face. However, Brian knew this was what they both needed. More importantly, this is what his family needed. “I want to be our children’s father too. I want to learn from you how to do that. And we can learn anything you don't know together, if you want that. I want you to be my husband Justin. I will try my hardest to be the husband and father you and the children deserve. Will you forgive me for letting you go and hurting you? Will you marry me Justin Taylor?” Brian opened his mouth to take a deep breath but Justin's lips instantly attacked his own.

Justin moaned and launched himself at Brian. “Yes,” Justin spoke strongly, in-between bathing his tongue with Brian's saliva and taking deep breaths. “I’m so proud of you Brian. I love you.” Justin peppered kisses all over Brian's face. He pulled back and held out his hand.

Brian was out of breath from the emotions welling inside him and Justin's hungry quick exploration of their kisses. He gave Justin a lopsided grin, took the small silver band out of its box, and held Justin's shaking hand in his own. “I love you,” he spoke as he slipped the band onto Justin's finger.

Justin looked at the ring on his finger and then looked at Brian. “You can't take this back Brian. We'll work through everything now, together. You can trust me Brian.”

“I know,” Brian whispered. He leaned in to kiss Justin's pink lips.

Justin opened his mouth and mashed his tongue against Brian's hot one. His hands gripped Brian's shirt and moved to the front and he started to unbutton it.

Brian moaned and pulled away from Justin, panting. He stood up and started to undress himself. First, he finished what Justin had started and took off his shirt, folding it neatly and placing it on the top of the dresser. He did the same with his pants and underwear too. By the time he finished, Justin was lying completely naked in the center of the bed, having thrown his own clothes off, haphazardly onto the floor.

Brian took a moment to look over Justin. His hair was messy around his head. He looked into Justin's dark blue eyes and saw pure lust in them. His gaze traveled lower as he walked to and crawled up on the bed. Justin's lips were red and plump from their kissing. His tongue stuck out and licked his plump bottom lip. Brian's already rock hard cock got even harder. He really wanted to be inside Justin. “This is safe for you and the babies', right?”

Justin smiled. “Yes, definitely,” he said quickly. “But, if you don't touch me or get inside me soon, you won't be safe!”Justin growled. He'd gotten so utterly turned-on watching Brian slowly and methodically undress. He knew the brunet wasn't doing it to tease him, but still it felt that way to him.

Brian smirked at Justin and crawled up and over him on all fours. “What's going to be comfortable for you?”

“I'm not that big yet so anything is fine. You know how flexible I am. Just, go slow okay?”Justin wanted Brian to fuck him immediately, but he knew that he was still very tight. It wasn't very easy to play with a dildo or put his fingers inside himself with his stomach in the way, no matter how limber he was.

Brian leaned down and pushed his lips onto Justin's mouth. They kissed and sucked each other’s mouths for a few minutes until Brian's erection started brushing against Justin's and he felt like he might come. He crawled over to the nightstand and retrieved a condom and lube. Brian drew Justin's legs onto his shoulders, donned the condom and popped the cap on the slick liquid. He poured out a generous amount on his fingers he inched them forward and slowly slipped one into Justin's body.

Justin's back bowed with pleasure/pain at the entry and his skin broke out in goose bumps. “Brian...more,” he begged. “Get your cock inside me. Fill me up Brian!” He rotated his hips around and pushed down on Brian’s digit. “Please, fuck me. I need more than that finger Brian. I need to you. Please! Give me your dick Brian.” Justin didn’t care if he sounded like a slut with just the one finger gliding in and out of his chute making him mad with pleasure. He wanted more.

Brian took out the first finger, but then slid in two the next breath Justin took. He was going out of his mind as he watched Justin's tight hole accept his digits and then squeeze and twist around them. He pumped the two fingers in and out of the blond's ass torturously slow. His mouth watered and leaned down and dribbled his spit from his lips, spread his fingers apart and spat his saliva into Justin’s hole.

Justin keened in pleasure. “I'm ready Brian. Come on. I need it harder!”

Brian used his free arm to heft Justin's body up closer to him. He nearly had the boy hang up side down as he plunged his fingers hard into his hole and with the same stroke he moved his head down and put Justin's cock into his mouth.

“Oh My God!”Justin yelled. Surprised by Brian's action. Brian had never blown him before without a condom. Yet now, he was deep throating his cock with such skill. It felt so much different from when he wore a condom. The site of Brian sucking and pulling on his cock with his throat, mouth, and tongue had Justin squirming and on the verge of orgasm. “I'm gonna come Brian,” he warned the man.

Brian couldn't believe he'd held himself back from doing this act before. The taste flooding his mouth of Justin's pre-come was heavenly sweet and salty. He devoured all he could and suckled at the source like he was a starving man. Everything he did was pure instinct and reaction to the pleasure he found doing such a dirty and uninhibited act and to the obvious pleasure he was giving his lover.

He heard Justin warning him, telling him he was going to come soon. Brian thought he'd pull off and milk the orgasm with his hand. However, it was a fleeting thought. He didn't want that any more than Justin did. Therefore, he continued to swallow, suck and tease Justin's cock and finger his tender ass repeatedly until he heard the boy roar out his name. He then withdrew the cock from his throat as he felt it twitch on the way up and splatter come down his throat. He backed his mouth away until the spurting knob was only in his mouth and he suckled the spraying rod greedily, luxuriating in the taste of Justin’s come exploding onto his taste buds and saturating his senses with desire.

Justin was in complete and utter euphoria. His skin tingled and sweat ran off his brow in rivulets. His eyes were blurry as he came down from his orgasm and tried to focus on Brian who was still digging his tongue into his slit for the last of his flavors. It made him moan involuntarily and his body shook in a tremor that felt like a small orgasm.

Brian pulled off Justin's semi-hard cock with a plop. His fingers were still lodged in the blond's tight hole, feeling the aftershock sensations twist around them. His hazel eyes found Justin's and he smiled and then licked a stray drop of come from his lips. “I'm going to be inside you now.” He skimmed his condom off. “Okay?”

“Yes,” Justin gasped. “But… Brian, what has gotten into you?”Justin asked with labored breaths.

Brian shook his head and lowered Justin's legs and body. He positioned himself so that his wet dick was placed against the hand that's fingers were still resting inside Justin. The blond wrapped his legs around his waist as he pulled his sticky fingers out and captured his dick with them. “I want to be in you,” Brian told him, his voice husky. “That's all.”

Justin leaned up, put his arms around Brian, and brought their lips together. He kissed him softly and then leaned back down and grinded his ass against the dripping warm cock nestled between his cheeks. “Come inside me Brian.”

Brian knew this was a huge step for them. He could easily lean over, open the condom, and slip it on his dick, but; he didn't want that. He would have to go back to wearing a condom once the babies came. However, there wasn't any reason he couldn't make love to Justin raw right now. It may not always be like this, this carefree. However, today he had the strength to banish all the thoughts that normally upset their daily lives. Today he would make love to Justin Taylor, his fiancé and father of his children, with nothing between them.

“Take me,” Brian said softly. He pushed just the head of his cock inside Justin’s warm ass and then slowly entered the rest of the way.

“Oh!”Justin cried out as Brian's thick cock penetrated his body. He'd felt so empty for far too long. Now, filled with Brian's bare cock was everything he could have imagined. He wasn't going to question this new side of Brian now. The controlled and confident man that hovered above him was all he could have dreamed him to be. He would lie back, and allow his body to respond and show Brian the beauty in this act, this connection.

Brian pumped his hips and carefully braced his arms on each side of Justin's chest. His hands rested under Justin's sweaty armpits. His stomach rubbed against Justin's soft one as he slowly backed in and out of the tight opening that squeezed in rhythm around him.

They locked eyes and then mouths as their careful beginning started to lead to a more hurried pace. Brian shared Justin's flavor painted on his tongue and gave it to the boy, making them delirious from the taste of both of them together.

Justin leaned his neck to the side when Brian started to whisper kisses along his cheek and throat. He gave access to Brian's tongue and lips as they swirled and sucked his neck and collarbone; all the while, their sexes collided in tandem thrusts and pushes.

Brian tasted everything Justin offered to him. He sucked Justin's hard nipples and bit the nubs gently when he slowed the pace down; afraid he'd come to soon. He moved his mouth back up to Justin's and brought his pelvis down lower to brush against Justin's cock. He could feel it leaking just under his belly button and knew it was time. “I'm going to come inside you,” Brian whispered and broke the kiss for a moment.

Justin's eyes squeezed shut from the hammering pleasure but he opened them when he heard Brian's words. “come inside me,” he told him. “come inside me and stay with me Brian.” Justin ran his hands up and down Brian's muscular back as the man pummeled his hole with hard rams of his cock, over and over, bringing them to the edge.

“Fuck Justin, you’re so fucking tight. Squeeze me inside you,” Brian ordered, plunging in quickly and out again.

Justin listened and used his muscles to twist Brian's cock upon entry and exit. His prostate was swollen and so tender he knew that on the next touch he'd be flying and seeing stars. “Ahhh! Brian!” He yelled out and his balls drew up tight to his body. “Oh yes Brian.” When he came, it was an intense climax. Justin barely could feel ready for it. His entire body coiled and unwound in ecstasy, fast and repeatedly.

Brian held his dick inside Justin as the blond gave into his orgasm and his cock shot his cream between them. He closed his eyes from all the over sensitizing and cried out Justin's name as the clamping on his cock took him into his own wild come.

They shook, moaned and released torrents of expression and feeling into each other. Justin became aware of Brian's emission coating his insides. It felt amazing. It also signaled a growth in his lover he could barely comprehend. This act showed Justin how willing Brian was to step out of his box and just be with Justin.

Brian turned them to their sides, unable to support his weight any longer, but he wanted to stay inside Justin. He hugged the blond to him and stared into Justin’s glassy blue eyes. “I love you.”

Justin smiled sleepily; exhausted from the climaxes he'd reached so close together after such a long time. They'd have to recondition their bodies to the pleasure once again. “Stay with me,” Justin said tiredly.

Brian kissed Justin's forehead. “I'll never leave you. Never,” he vowed and closed his eyes.

There would be a lot of stuff they'd have to work out in the morning and in the coming months. For now, everything was perfect. Brian felt perfect. For the first time in his life, he knew exactly what perfection was and the way to accomplish it. Perfection was lying beside him in the form of a blond beauty that was carrying his children inside his body.