My Only Critic

Chapter 16: Everything

December 24th 2008

Justin’s P.O.V.

With one breath, with one word, with one chance meeting, everything can change. Fate’s design works in mysterious ways.

The last ten months of my life have been crazy.

At the end of March, Brian and I bought a house in Lincoln Park. It was a huge decision and I was more than a little thrown when Brian suggested it. His lease would be ending on his condo that month and I’d figured that we would just add my name to it and I would sell my loft. However, Brian thought it would be best if we started from scratch. He said it would be easier for him to blend our lives and routines if we started from scratch.

It was, until the girls were born, but I’ll get to that later.

We married the first week of April. My father, wow, it still makes me smile to call him that. Jon, he was my best man and Cynthia was Brian’s maid of honor. Well, he didn’t want to use that term, but that’s what she was. It was a small, private ceremony held in our new home’s backyard. Brian invited Cynthia’s father, Brian’s boss and Claire and her family.

Brian’s relationship with Claire got off to a slow start, but now we see each other all the time. Claire gave birth to our niece Sarah about two months after I had the twins. She and her husband Greg have been amazing to Brian and me. After we brought the girls home, Claire stayed with us for two weeks to help us get accustomed to parenthood. It was wonderful to have her help and she never pushed or got in the way. She gently encouraged Brian to help with them and though it was a huge, life altering change for Brian, his sister’s faith in him, meant a lot to him and me.

My relationship with Jon has been amazing. He hurt me, so much. But, there was something about knowing that I would be a father soon that led to me forgiving him, much quicker than I probably would have other wise. He was on one side of me in the delivery room and yes, if you can believe it, Brian was on the other side of my bed. Jon stayed with us on the weekends to help for the first three months. He was also the twins’ first babysitter and watched them for us when I had what will probably be my last gallery show, for some time.

My relationship with Jennifer and Daphne has been non-existent. I didn’t want to do it, but when she found out I was marrying Brian she tried to cause us a lot of problems. So, I did what I had to do. I sued her. I didn’t need the money she had stolen from me, I still don’t. The revenue I have from my last show could be enough to support our family for the rest of lives. And, it’s not as though Brian doesn’t have a well paying job. But, she wouldn’t stop harassing me and I had to go through with what I threatened.

She backed off as soon as the summons arrived at her door. I dropped the case and I haven’t heard from her since. I did, however see Daphne, shortly after the twins were born. I was in the market with Brian and the girls and she was working the register. She acted as though she didn’t know me and frankly, I think I’m glad she did. It is the truth. Daphne was never my best friend and she never knew me at all.

Our identical twin girls, Laryn and Rylan Kinney were born the first week of May. I’d promised Brian that I would understand if he didn’t want to be in the room with me and up until the day I went into labor, I was satisfied with having Jon as my coach. But, Brian stayed in the room with me from the minute we arrived to the minute we left with our newborns. He took a shower in the bathroom at the hospital, which I could hardly believe. He slept in his clothes in a spare bed the wheeled in the first night.

He never even looked away from what had to be to him, the grossest, but to me, the most beautiful site in the world as I gave birth to his children. When Dr. Marc lay first Laryn and then Rylan on my chest, barely cleaned off, Brian leaned down to kiss them, touch them. I was so emotional as it was, but when he did that and whispered, ‘Thank you’, I couldn’t stop crying for a long, long time.

Brian’s eyes were misty with tears and he followed the nurses around the room and they weighed, measured and wrapped the girls in blankets. I barely had myself under control when he surprised me and initiated holding Laryn the moment she was swaddled in yellow. I am so glad Jon was taking video and photos the whole time because my eyes remained clouded with tears for hours.

He asked one of the nurses to show him how to change Rylan’s first diaper and it was a good thing I was already in the hospital because I nearly passed out in shock. It seems funny now, especially because Brian has now changed just as many diapers as I have, but then, it was so completely unexpected I was almost as happy about that as I was to see him hold our children for the first time.

He refused the offer to put the girls in the nursery for the first night and slept on and off, changing their diapers and handing them to me when they were hungry. We decided to let them stay in the nursery for the second night so we could get a good night’s sleep. Brian didn’t sleep in the spare bed that night. He cuddled up beside me and we held onto each other and talked about our future and dreams for Laryn and Rylan until we fell into an exhausted sleep.

The girls were a little early, but, both were healthy and I was so close to my due date that we were able to take them home two days after they were born. That’s when things started getting difficult for Brian.

He started second guessing himself about a half hour after we got home. Claire planned to arrive later that evening and Jon left for work a few minutes after we got there. So it was just our family, in our house, for the first time.

I was tired, but too high on excitement to really care. Brian held Rylan and I held Laryn and we sat in the rocking chairs in their nursery just listening to the sound of their identical breathing. I started to feel so peaceful and hopeful that Brian would always be so easy going and with them. But, then, Rylan began to cry, needing to be fed, and that signaled Laryn to cry.

At the hospital I was easily prepared with the nursing pillow but we hadn’t yet brought it in from the car. Brian handed Rylan to me and seemed to lose to it right after he did. He asked me what he needed to do and even though I told him that it was okay for them to cry until he got the pillow from the car, he just kept pacing and asking me, over and over what he needed to do to help me. I tried to calmly speak to him and direct him to go out to the car and retrieve what I needed, but he started crying and mumbling about him not doing anything right. He begged me to tell him what I needed from him, but he wasn’t really listening to me.

His mumbling and pleading seemed to make the girl’s crying even worse. I was still sore and it was hard for me to get up from the rocking chair while holding the both babies, but I managed it and quickly lay them in their crib. They actually calmed down a little when I did and gave me time to pull Brian from the room into the hall.

I didn’t know what to do. He kept asking me to forgive him for being a bad father. He begged me to not to leave him and swore that he’d do whatever he could to give us what we needed. I just had to tell him. He said, over and over. I just had to tell him what he shouldn’t forget. It broke my heart and I felt guilty for leaving him in the first place. He was so terrified of messing up, of me leaving him. I wrapped my arms around him and ran my hands through his hair and told him what a wonderful father he already was and promised not to leave him. The girls’ cries lessened as Brian’s fears did. I knew that they’d both eaten well right before we’d left the hospital and I they would be okay for a few minutes until I could calm their father down.

Brian apologized profusely as soon as he came to his senses. He tried to tell me that it had been what he was afraid of and that the girls and I would be better off without him. But I knew that couldn’t be true. So I ignored that completely. I told him that I needed him to go out to the car and bring in the bags. He listened this time and brought them into the nursery. I asked him to help set up the pillow and then bring his daughters over to me. Once they were both in my arms, happy and content, I looked up at Brian, said thank you, and assured him that I couldn’t have made the girls’ happy without him.

I realized I had to get through to Brian. Every day I gave him the same tasks to help us so that he’d know what to expect. I nursed the girl’s separately while he was at work, but honestly, it was harder without him and I told him that. I didn’t get to have peaceful feedings unless Claire or Jon was there with me to help. As they got older, it got easier because I wasn’t so scared they’d loose their head if I held them the wrong way. But those first few months, it was usually Brian who helped give me and the girls our peaceful time together. Every act he helped out with I made sure to praise him and thank him. He did the same with me too.

The times that I can tell he needs his own space, I usually tell him that I want some time alone with the girls. Again, he does the same with me. I’ve always felt like Brian and I knew each other, read each other’s thoughts and feelings, but raising the girls has taken that to a whole different level.

After a while, I stopped over-thinking the things I’d ask of Brian and we fell into a usually unspoken routine. This was right around the time that we began having sex again. It was yet another way we became connected and our bond with each other became stronger.

I don’t have much time to paint, so instead, I’ve taken up taking photos like Brian. Of course, I’m no where near the amazing photographer he is, but, it gives me a great creative outlet and when I can, I paint from the pictures I take. All the paintings I’ve completed so far hang on various walls of our home. I also gave one to my father, Cynthia and Claire.

Brian’s confidence as a father and at work has excelled this year! He has won journalist of the year at the Sun Times. On New Years Eve, we’re invited to the Fairmont Hotel where they are holding a celebration dinner for all the paper’s staff and award winners. Brian will receive his award and also give a speech. He’s very nervous about the speech part of the night, but he’s been practicing the acceptance since he was told he won, nearly a month ago.

The award winners usually bring their families because the dinner is early in the evening. We’ll be taking the girls and Jon and of course, Cynthia will be there to support Brian too. They’ve comped us a two bedroom suite from that Wednesday through the weekend. Jon has offered to watch the girls for us so we could attend the party, but Brian and I have decided that after the dinner and award ceremony we’re going to go back to the hotel room and celebrate the New Year with just us two. The twins only wake up once a night now, but it’s almost always a little after two. They get their fill of milk and fall back asleep right away, so there’s no need to spoil my father’s night of fun.

“Justin, come here!” I hear Brian call from the living room. His tone is happy and I hear Rylan and Laryn giggling from where I am, upstairs in the bedroom, so I’m sure something adorable is probably happening.

I grab my camera from the printer tray and head downstairs. As soon as I reach the landing I see Brian is sitting on the floor behind the twins. Laryn and Rylan have pulled themselves up onto the baby gate that surrounds our Christmas tree. “Oh my god!”

Brian stands up and pulls me into a kiss. “Look at them! They’re standing all on their own!”

“I’m just glad they didn’t start doing this last week,” I say and burst out laughing when Rylan grabs for a rocking horse ornament that is just out of her reach.

Brian picks them both up in his arms and sets them down in the seat of an arm chair. They both start laughing hysterically. I have to take a few candid shots, none of them are that great, but it’s hard to get a good picture of the girls now that they insist on moving around constantly.

We took them to see Santa today in the mall, so they’re still dressed in their cute little Mrs. Santa dresses. I can’t believe we’re already celebrating their first Christmas. Last month Laryn said Dada and Rylan followed with speaking, Daddy. Now that they’re pulling themselves up I think they’ll be walking soon. I’m afraid they’re not going to be babies much longer. Whatever happened to my little newborns that curled up together in a tiny bassinette?

“You okay Justin?” Brian whispers in my ear and kisses my cheek.

“Yeah,” I tell him, looking at the girls who are picking at the white fur on their dresses. “Just thinking about how fast the twins have grown up.”

Brian stands up and picks up both of the girls in his arms. He’s much better at that than I am because his arms are longer. “Give Daddy kisses,” he requests of them gently. “It’s time for bed.”

“Daddy!” Laryn leans forward but pulls back when I try and kiss her.

This means that Rylan has to do the exact same thing. I humor them both and pretend like I can’t kiss them. Brian and I are laughing as hard as the girls are. When the girls reach the point that their high-pitched squeals are turning into seconds of breathless laughter and I wrap my arms around Brian, Rylan and Laryn and proceed to kiss them all over their faces. Their laughter starts to fade and I take Laryn from Brian. “Okay, now it’s definitely time for bed.”

“Are you tired? Brian asks, his voice husky.

I am tired; it’s been a long day. But I’m never too tired for sex. I look over my shoulder at him right before I climb the first stair. His eyes are dark and his smile has turned from innocent to sexy. I lick my lips and walk upstairs as quickly. I really hope the girls go down easily tonight. “I’m not tired,” I answer.

Brian rubs his hand over my ass and replies, “Good. I’ve wanted to fuck you all day.”

I noticed. He was showing more public affection while we were out, surrounded by hordes of people, than I would’ve ever expected. I think Brian uses me and the girls as outlets for his fears. We’re like ‘home base’ for him whenever we go out together. Today, it was all me, but I’m not complaining.

I wait for Brian to reach the top of the stairs and slap his ass when he walks in front of me. “You do realize it’ll be at least an hour before they’re asleep?”

He kisses me quickly. “I can wait,” he laughs.

December 31st 2008

Brian’s speech goes off without a hitch. Well, except when the twins started babbling, “Dada, Dada” and clapping in the middle of it. But the whole room of people laughed and I think that relaxed Brian. After that, he focused on our table the whole the time. I hate to say that I didn’t listen to his acceptance speech too closely, but I was so focused on looking at him, willing him strength and feeling so proud of him. It was all I could focus on.

I brought the new Polaroid camera Brian got me for Christmas to the dinner. Yes, you’d never guess that a photographer would actually buy such a thing. But, I have thousands of pictures of the twins and they’re all on my computer or cd’s and I rarely have time to print them out or order copies of them and put them in the scrapbook. This way, I can put them in the photo albums for now, and use Brian’s pictures for the scrapbooks. I took enough photos to fill up an entire pocket of the diaper bag and handed it off to Cynthia to take one of me, Brian and the girls together.

My father brought a date. His name is Henry, he’s a lot younger than Jon, but I have to admit they make a great couple. I’m sure he’s glad I turned his offer to babysit down. They’ve been dancing together all night and I’m pretty sure that he may have found his one.

We left the party right after we finished desert. Rylan and Laryn were so tired from the excitement; they barely got to eat before they passed out. Now, Brian is taking a shower and I’m sitting on the bed, going through the scrapbook I brought with me.

The pages are filled with Brian’s articles, not only about me and my shows, but everything he’s done in the time since I started collecting them. The most recent one is the Sun Times Article: “For the Love of Art”. There are two pictures of me in the article, one from a professional photo shoot he did with me and another candid of just my face, smiling at him.

Flashback

“You want me to give you an interview now?”

“Sure, why not?” Brian asks, seriously.

“You’re naked,” I laugh out and gently kick his thigh.

“So are you,” he retorts as he stretches out onto his side at the foot of my bed. He starts laughing at me.

“What’s so funny?” I wonder.

“This is just how I picture all the people I interview,” he tells me, smirking.

“You’d better be joking,” I warn.

“Of course I am. You know what some of those people I’ve interviewed look like.” He sits back up and grabs his notebook and turns on the voice recorder. “So, Justin Taylor…”

“Yes?” I roll my eyes but smile at him. Now, of course when I first heard Brian would interview me, I was excited. But now, I’m a different kind of excited.

“Do you get a hard-on any time an Art Critic interviews you?”

I can’t hold in my laughter and reach forward to grab the recorder and shut it off. “You know, I let you take those naked pictures of me, but you are not going to record us talking dirty.”

Brian pouts and sighs. “Fine. I’ll erase it. But you know, this may affect my critique of your work.”

“Brian Kinney,” I gasp. “What has gotten into you?”

Brian raises his eyebrow. “I think you know.” He clicks the record button and clears his throat. “Justin Taylor, I’ve had the pleasure of previewing your new series. You’re using much more vibrant colors than you have in the past. Can you tell me what inspired this change?”

I blush a little at the question. I know he knows exactly what, or who my inspiration is. “Well, I fell in love.”

“You did?” He asks, as though he doesn’t know.

“Yes. And, the world doesn’t seem so dark anymore.”

“I know the feeling. It can change your perspective on life.”

“Exactly.”

Back to December 31st 2008

“You brought the scrapbook?” Brian asks in surprise.

I nod and look up at him. He’s still glistening from the shower, standing beside the bed in only a towel. I knew I’d take a lot of pictures today, I only had one page left and wanted to finish it before the year ended.”

Brian runs his fingers through my hair and sits beside me. “Were you fixing this page?” He peers over my shoulder to the article I was looking at.

“No. I was just remembering the interview. It was the best one I’d ever given.”

“It better be,” he laughs and points to the head shot. “You were naked and I have the picture to prove it.”

I nudge his shoulder against mine. “You’re lucky no one can tell. I was so worried they’d be able to.”

“All this talk about you being naked, yet you aren’t,” he says sadly and bats his eyelashes at me.

I stand up from the bed and put the scrapbook up on the dresser and turn back to Brian. “So, you want me naked?”

He leans against the pillows, takes off his towel and pulls up his legs as his answer. “I think you should want to be naked.”

Oh my god. “Brian,” I whisper his name because I can barely speak. He’s prepared his hole in the shower and has a small blue butt plug inside him.

He smirks at me. “So?”

I practically rip off my suit, jump on top of him and start kissing him. “That’s new?” I ask between kisses.

“It’s a New Year,” he laughs, dragging his tongue against my face.

I roll us over so he’s on top of me and spread one of his ass cheeks and press onto the plug. He groans and bites my bites my neck. “You like that?”

He presses his cock against my abs and moans, “Yes.”

I tap the end of it again and he practically jumps out of my arms. I refrain from laughing at the surprised look on his face, only because I’m too fucking turned on to.

“You’d better take that out and fuck me or I’m going to come.”

“I want you to ride me,” I request, kissing down chest. “I want to watch you fuck yourself on my dick, Brian.”

He pinches one of my nipples and holds onto it as he leans over to the nightstand. I yell out in pain and pleasure as he retrieves a lubed condom. He moves his body and sits on my thighs, leans forward and starts licking my chest while opening and rolling the condom on my dick. This is going to be fast, for both of us. But I want Brian to be fucking me as we listen to the fireworks bring the New Year in.

When my dick slides inside him I bite my lip and stare up at Brian as he adjusts to the penetration. He stops focusing on the pain and looks into my eyes. There’s something so different in them. He holds my eyes and slowly grinds around on my dick and grabs my hands. He squeezes them in the same rhythm that he squeezes my cock and it’s going to have me comeming any second.

The combination of this different, open connection he’s sharing with me emotionally and also giving me his body, so readily causes me to come only a few minutes after he speeds his movements up.

Brian falls forward and his dick explodes between our stomachs as he groans into my shoulder. I hold him, still inside his body for a few minutes as I wait to catch our breaths and start on the next round.

“Did it feel different?” I hear him whisper into my ear.

“Yeah,” I admit.

“I let you have all me. I let myself go, for you. I’m yours Justin.”

I bring his face up and look into his hazel eyes and kiss him soundly. “I know,” I tell him. “I felt it Brian. I’m yours too. I always have been.”

He smiles at me and puts his head back on my shoulder. I slide out of him, toss the condom into the trash and wrap my arms back around him. The first of the fireworks start outside, signaling the New Year, and I just keep holding on. I don’t need Brian to lose himself inside me to feel like I have all of him. I just have to hold him to know that I do. That I will, forever.

The End