Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.-Elizabeth Stone

January 4th, 2008

A few hours later Justin sat on a cold exam table in John’s office. Goosebumps covered his bare legs that he swung back and forth against the table. His sock-clad feet were far from touching the tile floor beneath them, reminding him of what it was like the first time he’d come into the office as a child. He had only been about five years old then, his skin full of hives, stuffy nose, and swollen eyes. The first of many appointments for his severe allergy problems.

Justin's hands lay his lap folded together; his thumbs twiddled around one another. He was extremely nervous. He hoped that he’d not come down with a virus that might derail his plans for San Diego. It was a wonderful opportunity for him. Justin loved being an artist; he would always be an artist. However, Justin had always dreamt of being an art teacher. Jennifer never allowed Justin the opportunity to pursue the dream because she insisted on him travelling the world and showing his art that way.

Justin was now an established artist and could live a good life with the money he already made; he wanted to give back somehow. Agreeing to do the seminar had been his first step in that direction. He would hate to be sick and not at his best and it would kill him to miss his first lecture.

Upon arrival at the clinic, and hearing about the problems Justin was experiencing a nurse took him to the room and had him give a urine sample. She then took some blood and then his blood pressure and asked him some other questions.

"Has your stress level been particularly higher lately Justin?" she asked, deflating the band around his arm and writing the numbers down on his medical chart.

Justin nodded his head, yes and the young nurse gestured for him to go on with his explanation. "I've been getting ready for a show as well as a guest spot teaching a seminar course in California. I’m supposed to leave tomorrow. That's why it was so important for me to come in today. This has been going on for a little while and I just haven't been well," he said worriedly.

"Well Justin," the nurse began. "It could very well be all the stress you are under that is causing you to feel under the weather. However, with the list of your allergies, it could also be an unknown food or air allergy. Could you tell me more about the symptoms you are experiencing? That way if they find anything in your urine sample or blood work that is out of the ordinary, your doctor will have a little more to go on," she smiled encouragingly.

"Well, I've been getting nauseous mostly when I wake up in the morning. Sometimes I lay in bed and think of excuses as to why I shouldn't get up, and then as soon as I do I'm running for the bathroom, sick to my stomach," Justin told her. "I often feel panicked and I don't know what to do," Justin rubbed his face with his hands.

"Well, it sounds to me like you might have an anxiety disorder. I've written down what you've told me, but maybe you can explain it to the doctor as well. He might be able to give you something to calm your stress level down. Has there been anything else going on with your body that has been out of the ordinary?" the nurse asked.

"Actually, I have been eating much more than what I normally do at a sitting," Justin said thinking back to his recent habits. “Even if I feel sick, I still eat afterward.”

"Comfort foods?" the nurse prompted.

Justin nodded, "Yeah, and that's just about all I ever eat. All I have a taste for."

"Sounds to me like you may be eating to soothe your nervousness," the nurse assessed. "How about you get into this smock and hop on the scale for me?" She handed Justin the gown from the drawer under the table.

Justin quickly took off his tee and jeans and put on the thin, loose smock. He hesitantly stepped on the scale and looked away when the doctor adjusted the scale and took his weight.

"Hmm...” the nurse spoke under her breath.

"What?" Justin asked, getting down and climbing back onto the table.

"Well, you've gained fifteen pounds since you were here last according to your chart," she said softly.

Justin rolled his eyes and made a noise, "I really haven't had the time to work out." He stepped off the scale, his body stiff. He crossed his arms around himself, feeling extremely vulnerable. He had noticed that he was getting a little heavier, but now he was worried. He hadn’t expected it to be that much of a weight gain.

"I'm going to go see about your samples Justin. Your doctor should be in to see you in just a few minutes okay?" The nurse took his chart and opened the door to leave.

"Okay, thank you," Justin replied, his voice shaky as he watched the woman walk out the door.

"Come in," Justin called with relief when he heard the doctor knock on the door. He crossed his legs at his ankles and hands in his lap, not wanting to appear as nervous as he was when he greeted John.

"Hello Justin," the older, but gorgeous and friendly doctor said. He clutched Justin's chart to his chest with one arm and leaned in to hug the boy with the other.

"Hello Dr. James," Justin replied with a smile.

John laughed, “You don’t have to call me Dr. James.”

“But I’m in your office,” Justin said with a smile.

“Then I suppose we should get down to why you’re here,” the man said gently.

Justin felt the color drain from his face when he saw John’s expression change from a smiling to serious in a matter of seconds. "Is... is there something wrong with me John?"

John hated the look of fear so evident in the familiar blue eyes. He wouldn't prolong this anymore. He knew the diagnosis would be a shock to the boy. However, he had spent time with both Justin and Brian and he could clearly see the strong relationship the two young men shared. There was no doubt they were in love, and John was sure they could survive and thrive with what the future held.

John took the artist's small hand in his, “I had the lab put a rush on your urine sample and they were quick to come back with the results. There isn't really anything wrong with you Justin."

Justin let out a deep breath in exasperation, "Well...what about…"

John cut him off and smiled again, "You're perfectly healthy Justin and you don’t have the flu. Your blood tests haven’t come back yet, but with the results from the other test, I can almost guarantee you that what you are feeling isn’t serious. It’s normal. You probably have morning sickness. You get what I’m saying right, Justin?" He told the blond, looking into the blue eyes intently.

"Wha?” Justin screamed, causing John to tighten his grip on his hands. His heartbeat began to skyrocket.

"The urine sample concluded with 99.9% accuracy that you are pregnant. All of your other symptoms point to this too Justin," John explained softly, yet there was still excitement in his voice. “You wrote that you didn’t know your last HOC. That’s probably because you haven’t experienced one in a while.”

Justin ripped his hand from his friend's and ran both of his hands through his hair while shaking his head in disbelief. "This can't be possible John," he told the doctor in a scared whisper. "We have always used protection, except for that first time. I told you about it and we had the full checkup. I'm no expert but I'd imagine I'd be a lot bigger than...” Justin’s words trailed off as his hands smoothed the thin cloth over his stomach. A stomach that was undeniably round. His lips trembled as his eyes shook with unshed tears. He looked up at John, "I’m too small though." His hands caressed his slightly protruding belly, his eyes suddenly seeing his body in a foreign way.

"We know you weren't pregnant then Justin," the doctor spoke softly. John titled Justin's bowed head to look at him. Wonder and fear painted the boy's face.

"But how come I am now?" Justin whispered. “I’m on birth control John. This can be a mistake,” he pleaded with John to agree with him.

John swallowed the lump in his throat as he saw how distressed Justin suddenly became. "There isn’t a mistake Justin.” John put his hand on Justin’s belly and pressed on it tightly. “I can tell from the way your stomach is firm, and that your weight is all down in your lower abdomen. Justin, when they usually run a pregnancy test on a urine sample it can take up to ten minutes before a positive result may show. The technician told me that it came up positive in less than a minute. You’re pregnant."

Justin couldn't stop his tears now, “But we used double protection, John.”

"Condoms, if used right, are only 99% effective," John explained softly. "It may have torn while you put it on Brian or it might have been past its expiration date."

“No…no…no…” Justin cried into his hands.

John was stunned. He truly thought that this would be happy news for Justin. He knew it would be a shock, but he still thought that Justin would be overjoyed. However, all he heard in Justin’s voice was desperation and all he saw in his teary blue eyes was fear. “Justin, it’s going to be all right,” the doctor said, trying to soothe the blond.

"This...this...isn't possible," Justin, continued to cry. "You don't understand John," Justin’s tears became a waterfall of expression. "Brian said that there could be something wrong with the baby if we ever had one. Like...like there is with him! He thinks that there might be something wrong with his genes. I asked him about adoption, but he told me that he couldn’t do it. It wasn’t just his genes he’s worried about passing on. It’s his emotional connection, his fear of being like his father, he doesn’t think he could be a father to any child," Justin said desperately. “No matter how much he loves me, John, that’s the one thing he said he could never give me.”

John stood up from the stool he sat on and leaned in to take the young man's shaking body into his arms. "Shh Justin," he soothed while patting the boy's back. “I’m sorry I didn’t know. I know Brian’s history from what you’ve told me, and I’ve seen how he is different and I knew that it might be an obstacle, but I didn’t think it would be this big.”

Justin rested his head on the doctor’s shoulder and hugged him back tightly, “God, John I don’t know what to do.”

"You know that Brian may not have been born the way he is Justin. The abuse he suffered as a child, both physically and emotionally may be what has solely caused him to have the problems he has. He may not have been born with his mental disabilities. The baby may be perfectly healthy. If there were something wrong with the baby, would you love it any less?"

Justin looked up and wiped his tears, "No. No. Of course not John. Never." He pushed himself away from the doctor slightly, "But it isn't just that. I don't think that Brian could handle this. He would surely leave me. Leave us." Justin put a hand on his stomach for a second, looking down at his body as though it were alive in a completely new light. "He would think that I did all this on purpose. He knew that I wanted children and he made it perfectly clear that that would never be possible,” Justin broke back into his sobbing.

John once again gathered Justin into his arms. He hated to see the pain this was causing Justin. A situation that he would imagine would normally be a happy occasion for his young friend, now turned into a terrifying nightmare. "Justin. There are options," he hated saying it, but he was still a doctor. Moreover, seeing as how Justin was reacting, he wasn't sure that carrying the child to term would be what was best for the patient or the innocent child.

Justin looked up, his blue eyes like glass. "I will need to know how far along I am." Justin rubbed the tears from his eyes and spoke in a monotone voice; "Before I decide anything."

"I'm not that kind of Doctor Justin. You’ll need to see an obstetrician. I do have a good friend in the hospital that is. Would you like me to call him? We can go see him have him give you an exam and also an ultrasound," John suggested.

Justin nodded. "Please," his voice sounded nearly broken.

John grabbed his cell phone from his pocket and dialed his friend’s number, “Dr. Rhine?"

"Hi, John. It’s Mark, what do you need?" the man on the other end asked.

"Would you happen to be available to meet with a patient of mine," he said pleadingly. "He's the son of a very dear old friend of mine. You might remember him," John said softly. He was sure that the man on the other end would get his meaning. "We just found out that he is pregnant today," John couldn't help the pride that filled his voice for concerning his best friend's son, even if it was a hard situation for Justin.

"Well, I was getting ready to go home. Do you think that we can do this tomorrow?" Mark asked.

"Actually he has to leave tomorrow for California. He really needs to be checked out today, make sure he's okay to travel and all that," he nearly begged the man.

Justin sat and listened to John's end of the conversation. He had been very grateful to have the man through his childhood, and couldn't have ever been any more grateful to have him back in it than he was right now.

"Great! Thank you, he's here with me right now. I don’t have any more patients today so I’ll walk him up to your office," John said, before hanging up.

Justin watched as John closed his cell phone and turned back to him with a tentative smile. "What exactly is Doctor Rhine? An obste what?" the blond asked.

"He's an obstetrician. He helps patients throughout their pregnancy and then with the labor and delivery," John explained.

Justin visibly cringed at the thought of labor, “So where do we need to go?”

"We’re going to go over to the O.B. wing of the hospital, so you’ll need to get dressed. He was on his way home, but he agreed to let us go down and see him. He has an ultrasound machine in his office and he can give you an exam too."

“Okay,” Justin said, taking a deep breath as he hopped down from the table and started to dress.

John grabbed some cool wipes from the workstation handed them to Justin once the boy was dressed so the blond could wipe the tear tracks from his heated face.

"Thank you, John," Justin said quietly. They both knew Justin was thanking the older man for more than the tissues.

"I guess I should have realized what was going on, I'm so stupid," Justin said, grabbing his coat and following John out of the room.

"Why do you think that?" John asked concerned, as he walked with Justin down the hall.

Justin shook his head, "I haven't noticed that I didn’t have a hormone overcharge in maybe three or four months, now that I look back and really think about it. I guess I just thought that I was getting older so it didn't maybe happen as much. Brian doesn't go through one at all."

John stopped inside his personal office and grabbed his briefcase and coat. He then told his receptionist he was leaving and would finish Justin’s paperwork the next day.

Once they were in the hall, John shook his head, "That's not stupidity Justin, it is reason. Brian probably doesn't go through them because he takes all those medications. They probably counteract with his hormones. I understand that if you used condoms and birth control pregnancy might be the last thing you'd consider would happen. Especially with all the problems and reactions, you have had to foods and your medications. You weren't stupid to think it was anything but pregnancy."

Justin nodded and looked at John, "What do you think my dad would say if he was here?" It was a question that Justin asked the man concerning many things throughout his life. His mother never wanted to talk about Craig Taylor and John had always been the only constant male in his life through the hordes of men his mother had dated throughout his childhood.

While Justin grew up, John lived just down the block from Justin and would often take Justin to Broadway shows in New York or be on the sidelines cheering when he could at a swim meet.

Justin's mother, however, had spent so much of her time trying to estrange them once she realized Justin's talent in art. She used him as a commodity, John hated it, and his heart filled with bittersweet happiness when Justin called him to tell him everything that had happened with his mother.

"I think your father would be very happy to be a grandfather," John finally answered in a soft voice. Justin gave him a bright smile. "I think he would tell you to do what you think is right for you in your heart," John added.

"I want to be a father," Justin said sternly. "But I don't want to lose Brian. Not when I just found him. Found love," Justin said sadly.

They stopped in front of Doctor Rhine’s office and knocked on the door.

"Will you stay with me, John?" Justin asked the older man.

John smiled, "I’ll hold your hand if you like. I remember when your father...." John was interrupted with what he was saying when the door opened to and the older doctor smiled and ushered them inside.

"Doctor Rhine, this is Justin. He's Craig Taylor's little boy," John introduced.

The short man looked curiously at Justin and then back at John, "He sure is. Isn't he John?"

"You...you knew my father?" Justin asked wide-eyed with a smile.

The man smiled, "I sure did."

Justin smiled.

“Let’s go into the exam room,” Mark said, not explaining anything about Craig further as he led John and Justin into the room. Once there he prompted Justin to put on another smock and sit up onto the table.

“I had some blood taken from Justin Mark. Do you want me to have them send the sample down here tomorrow for the other tests?”

“That’d be great,” the obstetrician replied.

“What will that blood be used for?” Justin wondered.

“There are a number of tests that we’ll need to run for your baby’s health,” Mark replied.

“Okay,” Justin said softly.

Mark set his supplies up and then looked at Justin, “Do you want John to stay in here for this exam or would you like me to call a nurse to come?”

“No, I’d like John to stay please,” Justin said in a scared tone, lying back.

John moved to the head of the bed and took Justin’s hand, “It’ll be okay.”

Mark moved Justin’s legs into the stirrups, “This is a surprise pregnancy?”

Justin's nodded weakly as he felt the man start the examination, "Yes, and I really just need to know how far along I am. My partner, he has a mental disorder that could be hereditary. We weren't planning to get pregnant and well I am not sure if I am going to keep the baby or not."

“You don’t have any idea on the conception date or your last HOC?” Mark asked.

“No,” Justin said sorrowfully. “I don’t have any idea, I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay Justin. We can still find out, it’s just, you’re really tense so I’m going to need you to relax okay?” Mark asked. “I’m just going to make sure that there aren’t any abnormalities and that inside everything looks healthy and we should be able to get a rough estimate of how far along you are. Then we’ll get the ultrasound set up and we should be able to determine it more accurately.”

“Okay,” Justin said softly, trying to calm his breathing. He felt so exposed and vulnerable. He was happy that John was holding his hand, but he wished that Brian were there with him.

The exam was very uncomfortable and even painful at times, but Mark had assured him throughout that it was normal. However, he didn’t talk much during the exam, and that made Justin worry. “Is there something wrong?” the boy asked after the doctor inserted the long tube for the internal ultrasound.

Mark shook his head, “No… I don’t think so. I’m just having a hard time determining your gestation. It’s not uncommon, so I’m going to use both devices for the ultrasound so we get a better picture.”

John brushed his hand through Justin’s hair, “Relax kiddo.”

Justin closed his eyes, “I’m scared.”

John’s heart broke for the boy, “I know.”

“Okay, let me just get the monitor turned on and then we’ll put some jell on your belly and move the transducer here over your belly and start to look around in there okay?”

Justin could only gulp and then nod in reply.

Mark stood up and turned on the monitor. He then turned off the lights in the room and lifted Justin’s gown.

Justin tried to calm his breathing as he started to feel more uncomfortable by the minute. He shivered as the doctor squeezed out the jell before rubbing it over his abdomen with the transducer. Then, suddenly his ears picked up a swooshing noise and his head turned toward the machine’s screen. “Oh my god,” Justin gasped.