Life is the sum of all your choices. ~Albert Camus

Friday, January 4th, 2008

Justin looked at Jon and then back to the screen, “That isn’t… tell me….”

Jon fought the tears he felt rush into his eyes so suddenly. He looked down at Justin's face; filled with the perfect mixture of shock and joy, “I think it's twins.”

“Yes and they are monozygotic, which means they are identical,” Dr. Rhine informed his patient.

"Twins," Justin said softly. "Are you sure,” Justin asked, having a hard time believing his own eyes.

"I'm positive," Marc told the boy. He softened his tone, “Justin it is pretty obvious.”

“It is,” Justin whispered. He looked at the screen, tears rolled down his face, “This makes things even worse.”

“Justin,” Jon said the boy’s name but was really at a loss for words. He wished that they could be happy about this… he wished he could…

“Jon,” Justin interrupted his friend’s thoughts. “I have to keep them now don’t I?”

Jon sighed, “The decision is yours, Justin.”

Justin turned toward the Mark, “Are you able to tell how far along I am now?”

Mark nodded and moved a tool on the computer that measured the length and width of the babies’ bodies. He then turned the image back to show both of the babies, “Based upon their measurements and the positioning and size of your womb I would say with almost complete certainty that you’re probably right at eleven weeks gestation. That is thirteen weeks according to the LMP, Lunar Month of Pregnancy, which is what we’ll be going by. You are still in your first trimester.”

Justin gulped, “By law, I can… I can still terminate the pregnancy… if I do it now?”

“Yes,” Jon whispered. “If that is what you want and what you feel is best to do.”

“Can you tell if there is anything wrong with them,” the blond asked. “Are they okay?”

Mark moved the transducer around and enlarged the picture on the screen, “We’ll call this one Baby A. Here is the heart and if you listen closely you can see the beating that goes along with that swooshing?”

“I hear it,” Justin said quietly, his eyes riveted to the screen. “The baby is formed okay too?”

Mark moved the transducer around to show the complete image of the baby, “Baby A looks perfectly healthy Justin.”

“Baby B? Can you look at that one,” Justin asked, trying to keep his composure.

Jon pet Justin’s hair. He kept quiet, not wanting to say or do anything that would sway Justin’s decision. He knew that the boy would need to make it on his own; otherwise, he may always regret the decision to abort or keep his children. That would not benefit anyone. Jon knew all too well those types of regrets.

“Baby B is just as healthy,” Mark concluded. He once again showed Justin the beating heart and then turned up the monitor so the boy could hear it. “If you want to delve further into any hereditary problems or risks we’d need to schedule you for an amniocentesis test... if you are going to go ahead with the pregnancy.”

The blond took the information in, “Is that dangerous?”

“There could be a risk to them, yes,” Mark told him.

“What would my due date be? If I decided to carry them to term,” Justin asked, his emotions kept tipping back and forth.

“Your due date would be July 13th, though twins are often born a little early… or you may even go over your due date,” Dr. Rhine told him.

“Okay,” Justin whispered, he laid back down on the table.

“How about we get you cleaned up,” Mark said. “Then maybe you and Jon can talk about your decision?”

“Will I… will I have you as a doctor if I keep them?” Justin wondered.

“If you’d like,” Mark told the boy. “I’d be glad to have you as a patient Justin and I can assure you that I’ve had experience with multiples as well. One of my patients gave birth to quads last week.”

“I can’t imagine having four,’ Justin said in wonder. “I can’t even imagine two.”

“Two would be pretty amazing,” Jon said softly. “One is amazing,” he said. “But two… that’d be wild.”

***
“That was nice of Mark to give you a disk of your ultrasound,” Jon said, holding Justin’s hand as they walked out into the parking lot.

Justin stopped in his steps and looked at his friend, “If I do this and he leaves me, Jon… will you be there to help me?”

Jon wrapped Justin in his arms, “You know I will.”

Justin looked up at the doctor, “We don’t have to go for coffee and talk about it. I’m keeping them, Jon. I’m keeping my babies.”

Jon nodded, “Brian?”

“I’ll talk to him tonight,” Justin said, stepping out of his friend’s embrace. “He’s a photographer, right? Maybe if he sees the images he’ll see the beauty in them.”

Jon smiled, “You may be right.” He was elated that Justin had chosen to keep the babies but he knew that there would be a rough road ahead of the boy, whether Brian stuck around or not.

“No matter what happens I’m keeping them. That is my only option, my only decision,” Justin said firmly.

“Do you think it might go better if maybe I talked to Brian?”

Justin shook his head, “No. I mean… I really appreciate you offering Jon, but if Brian’s going to be able to deal… to handle this with me then I’m going to need to tell him.”

“If you need me for any reason I want you to call me. Okay, Justin?”

“I will and well if you don’t hear from me tonight I’ll call you tomorrow and let you know how things go okay?”

“You’ll probably need Mark’s help to get you set up with a doctor, so be sure and call him tomorrow too okay?”

“I will,” Justin agreed.

“Good luck, Justin,” Jon gave the blond another hug and kissed his cheek. “I’ll be wishing for you.”

Justin managed to give the doctor a small smile, “Thanks.”

***
When Brian arrived home from work, he was surprised to see Justin sitting at his kitchen table. The blond didn't look up at him or even acknowledge him. The Brunet racked his brain, wondering if he’d done something wrong.

He then realized as he watched Justin that the boy must not have heard him come in. He seemed to be completely enthralled in what he was doing. He was twisting, licking and dunking an Oreo cookie in a glass of milk and moaning as he devoured it, "Hey, baby."

Startled, Justin dropped what remained of the cookie in the glass. This caused some of the milk to spill out onto the table. He got up quickly to retrieve a paper towel, "Sorry Brian." He grabbed the towel from the roll wiped up the mess.

Brian wondered why Justin seemed so jittery. Even he rarely cried over spilled milk.

"I didn't hear you come in," Justin told him, throwing the towel in the trash bin and going to the sink to wash his hands.

Brian knew there was definitely something wrong with Justin; the boy had yet to look at him. "Are you all right," he asked worriedly. He went into the fridge and grabbed a bottle of water, he could feel the tension coming from the blond and wasn’t sure if he should touch him or not but wanted to look at his face.

Justin nodded his head a little and dried his hands, "I'm fine." He felt his skin blushing as he realized that Brian was closely observing him. He turned to the man, "But, well, actually I have something I wanted to show you."

Brian threw the bottle of water away and then washed his hands, “Is it a new art piece?” That would definitely explain Justin’s behavior. Many times Justin would become extremely worried about a piece he was working on and would hesitate before showing him, though Brian didn’t understand why. However, he was sure it had something to do with Jennifer and the way she treated Justin.

Justin laughed nervously, “It’s sort of like art yes. I definitely think it’s beautiful.”

Brian raised his eyebrow in confusion as he followed Justin into the office, “What is it?” Now he was beginning to feel stressed and uncomfortable with the way Justin was acting. He felt his skin itching.

Justin went into the closet to retrieve his backpack. He grabbed it and dug out the disc, “I just need to pull this up on the computer.”

"Can it wait a minute Justin, I really need to take a shower," Brian told him, his body was beginning to sweat as Justin’s nervousness worried him more and more.

Justin sighed and looked at his lover and pleaded, "Please, Brian. It will only take a minute." He stepped toward Brian and gave the man a long passion filled kiss.

"Okay," Brian whispered, his tension eased from the touch of Justin’s lips and tongue. He was trying his very best to not let his OCD come first and he wanted to be strong for Justin. He kissed the boy again and then went to sit down at the chair in front of the computer.

Justin put the disc in the drive and laughed as he found himself pulled onto Brian's lap. He couldn't suppress his giggles as Brian's fingers found the hem of his shirt and went under it and started to tickle the sides of his stomach.

Justin's giggling stopped however when the Window's Media Player popped open, prompting him to activate the pictures into a slideshow. His body trembled a little when he felt Brian's fingers lightly rubbing the small baby bump that hung over his jeans. His hands shook as he pointed the mouse to proceed. He maximized the screen and pressed play, leaning back upon Brian. He would savor his lover's touch as long as he could. His fingers twined with the ones above his bare skin as he watched the screen come alive.

Brian wasn't sure what he was watching at first. He couldn't make out anything, and the image looked like it was underwater which was weird. He didn’t understand how Justin could create this. Then, the picture became clearer as it changed and Justin reached forward to stop the slideshow.

“This… this isn’t art,” he said in a choked voice. They were babies. He hadn’t seen many ultrasound pictures but it was clear what was on the screen. Two tiny blurred images of two babies. "Justin," he spoke, his mouth dry. Fear crept from within him, but he couldn't tear his eyes from the screen.

"I'm pregnant," Justin confirmed, tears falling down his face now as he felt Brian’s body become stiff around him.

Brian’s senses came flooding in and he realized where his hand was now resting. He moved it across the bulky flesh and then removed it from Justin's hand and body, "With two? Oh, fuck no." His body trembled with fear, “No, Justin.”

Justin leaped off Brian's lap. The disappointment in Brian's voice was killing him. He put his hands over his stomach, his back to Brian as he confirmed it, "Yes. I’m thirteen weeks along. They’re identical twins."

"Why did you do this," Brian spat, standing up. "What if there’s something wrong with them?”

“The doctor said they’re healthy Brian! He checked and he said we could do other tests to see too. But I don’t care! I’m having them,” he growled. “I want to be their Daddy.”

“You know how I feel about being a father Justin," the Brunet felt his insides coiling in on him. His hands were shaking and his knees felt so weak. He carded his fingers through his hair and tried to concentrate on taking deep breaths because he felt like he was going to pass out.

"I didn't do this on purpose," Justin, screamed turning to face the man.

Brian jumped. He'd never heard Justin's voice have such venom in it. He couldn't recall a time when the blond had ever screamed any time other than while they were having sex. It was crazy though because Justin screaming at him sort of stopped his nerves from jumping all over the place and he felt himself calming down. He was able to breathe.

Justin walked up to Brian and looked him in the eyes, "I know you're fucking scared Brian! I know you are. I know you don't want to be a daddy. I knew that long before I found out I was pregnant and long before you got me pregnant. So why don't you stop thinking about yourself for a fucking moment and think about me! How fucking scared, I must have been when I learned that I was pregnant. How do you think I feel? How do you think I felt when I found out that I wasn’t just carrying one child but two? How do you fucking think I feel knowing with all certainty that the man I love will never want them and now me," Justin cried. He turned to run but Brian caught him.

Brian pulled Justin close to his body. He embraced his lover to him tightly. Brian could feel the bump of the babies in between them and wondered how he'd missed it before. He let Justin sink into his strong body and held onto the sobbing boy.

“You don’t know,” Justin whispered repeatedly, against Brian’s chest.

"I'm so sorry, Justin," Brian whispered into the boy's ear. "This has nothing to do with me not wanting you." He moved one of his arms down and put his hand onto Justin's belly, "Or them. I just can't do it, Justin. I love you and now them way too much to put you through the hurt I could cause you all." Brian rubbed his face into Justin’s hair as tears sprang from his eyes and cascaded down into Justin’s hair.

“You don’t know that,” Justin cried in a choked whisper. “You’d never hurt us.”

Brian held Justin tighter, “I may not want to Justin. But I may not be able to control myself from doing it.”

Both of the Daddies started to sob painfully as they gripped onto each other for strength and love through the scariest time of their lives, for it would be the last time either man would hold their lover, for a very long time, if ever again.