My Only Critic

Chapter 15: “Truth”

We know the truth, not only by the reason, but also by the heart.-Blaise Pascal

Monday February 25th 2008

“How could you not tell me?” Justin accuses the man before him. “After all this time! You let me think…”

“I didn’t know what to do,” Jon said. “I know it was wrong.”

“You’re God damn right it was wrong!” Justin yelled. “You’re just as bad as my… Jennifer. Why didn’t you every tell me. Jon answer me that.”

Brian rubbed the small of Justin’s back with his hand. “Calm down Justin. You’re not supposed to get stressed out.”

Justin put his head in his hands and cried. “My whole life has been a huge fucking lie,” he whimpered.

“It hasn’t been a lie,” Brian told the blond. “I haven’t lied to you.”

Justin picked his head up and pushed his chair away from the table. “You’re right. You haven’t lied to me Brian,” he yelled and stood up. “You’ve only abandoned me, abandoned your children.” He glared at Jon. “Just like him.”

Brian helplessly watched Justin run from the table and into his bedroom. The door slammed behind him. The boy’s sobs carried into the kitchen where Brian and Jon sat across from each other.

“Brian I’m sorry,” Jon said softly.

Brian turned to Jon and glared at the man. “You’d better fix this! This whole time we both counted on you. I…I told you things that I’ve only ever trusted Cynthia or Justin with. You do this to us?”

“Us?” Jon asked in alarm.

“We were fine this morning!” Brian yelled. “He said he forgave me. He wanted to marry me. We were fucking happy. Justin invited you over for dinner to talk about his mother, but he also wanted to ask you to be his best man. You have to fix this. Now!” He demanded and stood up from the table. “Go in there and explain to him what you were thinking allowing Jennifer and Craig to raise your child. Tell him something other than ‘I don’t know what to say’. Go!” Brian shouted at Jon.

Jon blinked in surprise. He’d never seen Brian be so aggressive or controlling before. If it were any other situation, he might stop and congratulate the man for his efforts. He was scared shitless of losing both of the men and quickly walked into Justin’s room.

Justin glared at Jon. “Go away,” he hissed. “I don’t want to see you. Get out of my house!”

“Justin,” Jon pleaded and sat beside the blond boy. “Please listen to me. Please just give me a minute to explain.”

“How can you?” Justin whispered.

“I’m going to try. If you’ll listen.”

“I would’ve listened all these years!” Justin said angrily. “You had all these years to tell me the truth.”

“I know, but I was afraid you would hate me and I thought you were better off with Jennifer. I didn’t realize, until recently, that you and she didn’t have a good relationship. I swear, if I’d known what she was doing to you and with your career, I would’ve told you sooner.”

“How did she get me in the first place?” Justin asked.

“Your mom and dad tried to have children together but Jennifer couldn’t ever get pregnant. She even tried to kill herself after her fourth miscarriage. They had to give her a hysterectomy because the fourth pregnancy was so bad on her body. That’s when Craig suggested he try and so he asked me to be the father.”

Justin sniffled, “Why you?”

“I was his best friend and he knew I wouldn’t hurt him.”

“But why would you do something like that?”

“I loved Craig,” Jon confessed. “I loved him more than I loved anyone in the whole world. Even now, you must know that I’ve never gotten over him. I agreed because I thought that if he was with me, if I could make love to him, show him what it was like to be with me, that he’d want to stay with me and raise the baby with me. And if he didn’t want to stay with me, than at least I knew he’d be happy. Jennifer, Craig, and I had already agreed that I would be welcome to come over whenever I wanted. I would be your godfather and have a hand in raising you with them both.”

“Is that why you lived across the street? So you could be near me?”

“Yes. After you were born, I didn’t want to leave you, so I moved there as soon as I could. I’d realized that I would never be anything to your father but a friend. I was happy with that, because I got to share you with them. We’d planned on telling you the truth when we thought you were old enough to understand.”

“But you didn’t,” Justin whimpered and wiped his tears. “Why?”

“When you’re Dad died.” Jon paused and cleared his throat. “I was an intern at the hospital. I saw the wheel him in on the stretcher. He was so hurt, he saw me, and all he could do was just beg me not to you away from Jennifer. He begged me Justin. He begged me until he couldn’t talk anymore. And I promised him that I wouldn’t.”

“But why did you stop seeing me?”

“Your mom said it was too confusing for you. You were growing distant from her and she was jealous. She was so angry with me. She blamed me for Craig’s death.”

“Why?” Justin asked.

“Because the reason he was driving in the middle of the night was because he’d gotten in a fight with Jennifer about me and left so their arguing wouldn’t wake you up.”

“What were they arguing about?”

“She wanted to move to a bigger house in another neighborhood and your dad knew I couldn’t afford to move there. They fought about moving all the time. Your dad was such a wonderful man Justin. He wanted to please the both of us and didn’t want to deny me you. I know I could’ve fought to keep you with me. I know that. But they were listed as your parents on your birth certificate, not me. More than that, I couldn’t have afforded to keep you with me at the time.”

“What about later?” Justin wondered. “Once you became a doctor you could’ve.”

“You’re right Justin. I could’ve. But I thought you were happy and I didn’t want to upset that. I also didn’t want to go back on my promise to your father.”

“I don’t know what to say,” Justin confessed. “I’m so angry at you…Dad.”

Jon put his arm around his son’s waist. “I’m sorry. I’ll never forgive myself for hurting you, for lying to you. I just hope you’ll forgive me one day.”

Brian peaked his head in the bedroom door. “Is… is everything okay in here?”

Justin extracted himself from Jon and stood up. He walked into Brian’s awaiting arms. “I’m so sorry I said those things to you Brian. I know you didn’t abandon me.”

“I told you I never would,” Brian whispered back.

Jon stood up and walked over to the couple. “I’m going to head home. Justin, if you want to talk, whenever you feel like it, I’ll be waiting.” The man walked out of the bedroom and walked toward the front door.

Justin ran after him, Brian following closely behind him. “Dad?”

Jon turned around. Hearing Justin call him that, for the second time, even after everything he’d done, gave him hope. “Yeah.”

“I… it’s going to take some time for me to process this. But I don’t want to lose you.”

“You won’t,” Jon promised.

Justin took Brian’s hand in his own and squeezed it. “Brian and I are planning to get married next month. I’d like it if you’d come.”

Brian nodded in agreement and said. “It’s just going to be a small ceremony at a church Cynthia attends. It’ll just be my sister and her family, if they’ll come, Cynthia, her father and you.”

“Of course I’ll come,” Jon said. “I’m really happy for both of you. I know that you two are going to have an amazing life together.”

Justin cleared his throat. “I’d like for you to be my best man.”

Jon smiled. “Even after…”

“Yes,” Justin interrupted. He left Brian’s side and hugged his father. “I’d be very lucky to have my father stand up for me.”

Jon pulled away and looked Justin in the eyes. “I’m the one who is lucky Justin. I can finally call you son.”