The Happiest Place on Earth

LaVieEnRose

So Dad and Aunt Emily went down to Disney World a few days before the rest of us did to take care of all the business stuff, and then the rest of us were going down to meet them for the fun part. That meant I had to take two planes, one to get to New York to meet up with everyone, and then one with them down to Orlando. But I didn't mind. I like flying, even though Moms still get weird about me doing it alone, like I haven't been going up to visit Dad and Justin by myself for years. Mama always gets sort of weepy, like it might be the last time she'll ever see me. JR usually gets sulky because she wants to come, and this time was even worse because...I mean, who wouldn't want to go to Disney World? But if they'd brought her, they would have had to have brought Ivy, and then they would have had to have brought Michael and Ben, and it was just...I got it.

Derek was the one who met me at the airport, which was awesome because he's really cool. Much too cool to be friends with my dad. He remembered the dumb secret handshake we made up last time I was here and did it with me right away.

Are you coming to Disney? I asked him as we walked.

He shook his head. It's expensive.

You know my dad would have paid.

Oh, I'm sure. He rolled his eyes. It's okay. Daphne's not really a Disney person, and this was supposed to be the weekend we got married, before we put it off, and she's kind of sad about it. I just want to do something nice for her this weekend.

That is like so grown-up.

I know, right? It's weird.

We got a cab, and I made sure to pay for it like my dad told me on the phone I had to. I have a credit card that he pays for, but my moms never let me use it for anything unless I'm in New York. You'll have to take a lot of pictures, Derek said. I want Jane in some ears.

We all do. Did Gwen get out of having to work? She's the one who usually takes pictures.

Yeah, she's going. He counted on his fingers. Brian and Emily are already there. Gwen's flying down tonight. Then you and Justin are tomorrow? he said, except he didn't say you and Justin, he said you and Justin and some sign name I didn't know, like a half-E and then the letters VN.

I said, Wait, who?

Evan, he fingerspelled slower.

Who's Evan?

You don't... He shook his head. Oh hell no. I am not doing this. This is not my burden to bear.

This is really dumb, but my first thought was that they'd had another baby or something and not told me. Derek, who is Evan?

He sighed deeply, ran both his hands down his face, said, I'm going to kill Brian, then said, He's Justin's boyfriend.

Okay, so I knew that Dad and Justin weren't, you know, your typical married people, because it's like super important to Dad that I know that, to a really annoying degree. But uh...a boyfriend? Who was coming on vacation with us?

Maybe Derek read my mind or something, because he said, He works with Brian and Emily.

So then why isn't he already there?

That's just the executives.

I..totally pictured him as one of the executives without even really thinking about it. Because like...Justin is married to my dad. I know what he likes.

And then I realized there was something pretty important I didn't know.

Is he Deaf? I asked.

Yeah, he's Deaf.

I didn't say much the rest of the way to their house, just kind of...thinking about all that, I guess. The cab got to Dad and Justin's house and Derek did the handshake again and I hauled my stuff out of the cab. I'd seen the house on FaceTime, but it seemed smaller in person. I liked the blue, though, and they still had a sign on the door saying to ring the bell, which made it feel like their place right away.

Dad had come back to Pittsburgh for a few days a couple weeks ago and also a couple weeks before that, but I hadn't seem Justin in ages, not since before he was really sick a few months ago. Nobody even told me about that until it was over. My moms were whispering to each other all the time and seemed really upset but kept putting on these fake smiles and telling me everything was fine and not to worry. Dad was really pissed when he found out they'd lied to me about it. “We do not tell Justin's kids that he's invincible,” he said. “Him getting sick will not be a goddamn fall from grace.”

“This isn't about him being sick,” Mama had hissed.

Dad just shrugged and said, “That won't be a fall from grace either,” but I don't know what that meant. I don't even really know what a fall from grace is.

Justin answered the door and I wrapped him in the biggest hug ever, and he laughed and squeezed me tight. Oh my God, he said when we broke away, and he put one hand on top of his head and one on top of mine, comparing.

Almost, I said.

“God. You really are your father's son.”

You're pretty short.

Shut up. Come in.

I did, closing the door behind me and slipping out of my shoes. You look skinny, I said.

Ugh, don't say that. How was your flight?

Fine. Quick. I looked around, taking in the living room, and finally saw Jane crawling across the floor. I zoomed over and intercepted her, and she made this surprised kind of squawk and kicked her feet a little as I picked her up. Oh my God, you're so big. She's almost as tall as you too, Justin.

Both of you can leave, he said, and I laughed and kissed Jane's forehead.

She probably doesn't remember me, I said.

She's a baby, she doesn't remember what she had for lunch.

It sucked, though, honestly, that I didn't see her more often. Babies are a lot less annoying than sisters who can talk, and watching her pick up sign language is so cool. I can't really understand her at all, because all her signs are baby-talky and not quite right, but it's pretty awesome to watch her handshapes get better and stuff. Justin said she'll be a better signer than I am by the time she's three or four, and I don't even think he was trying to make fun of me. It's not even that I'm that bad. Deaf babies just have superpowers.

Justin said, “Do you have anything you need for Disney? We have time to run out.”

No, I have everything. Mom made me pack a visor and SPF nine million. Your voice sounds hoarse.

Allergies! Still waiting to see if she's going to get them. I think her eyes look pink lately but Brian says I'm imagining it.

What about Evan? I said, just kind of...I don't know, testing. I said it really nonchalantly and shit.

And he answered the same way. “Evan always agrees with your father, it's very annoying.” He took Jane out of my arms when she started to squirm and bounced her a little.

Where is he?

“Taking a nap, but he should be up soon.” He tilted his head to the side. “Oh, wow. Have you never met him?”

I didn't even know he existed until five minutes ago, I said, so so much for my plan to be nonchalant. But you know what they say, if you can't be a shit to your family...

And Justin just waved his hand anyway. “He fits in so well we forget to mention him. We don't even notice he's here. Are you hungry?”

Yeah.

“I'll make you a grilled cheese.”

He put Jane in her high chair and gave her some crackers, then started melting butter in a pan. The kitchen was kind of part of the living room, with just the island separating it. It was cool. It kind of reminded me of an airport, or my hockey stadium. Just a big open space.

How's your cough? I asked him.

“Pretty stable.”

Is it going to get better?

“No, probably not.”

How do you feel?

He smiled a little. “I'm okay, sweetheart. You're not supposed to worry about me.”

Does that work with Dad? Everyone's always telling me I'm just like Dad.

“He is supposed to worry about me. Big difference.”

I think I am too.

Oh yeah? Is that in the rules?

Yeah.

I ate my sandwich while Justin cleaned up some of Jane's stuff and I told him about how everyone back in the Pitts was doing. I'd seen Grandma about a week ago so I told him about that, since he hadn't seen her for a while, and he told me about Molly's new boyfriend and Derek's new apartment, and Jane banged on her tray until I took her out. I was dancing her around and singing some wordless shit to her that I was making up because whatever, she can't hear, when I heard someone walking up stairs and then this guy came in from the hall behind the kitchen. He was tall, almost as tall as my dad, and he had dark curly hair and big brown eyes.

He saw me and sighed. “I overslept. What an entrance. Hi. I'm Evan.” I could tell he was Deaf from his voice, just because at this point I know pretty well from Justin how Deaf voices sound, but he spoke really clearly. Honestly better than Justin. Dad says Justin used to sound different but I don't really remember.

“Hi,” I said.

How was your flight? he asked me.

“Fine.”

“Be nice,” Justin said to me. “He's scared of you.”

Evan nudged him. I saw that.

“Saw what?”

Very funny. He turned back to me. Have you told your dad you made it?

No, I said, and maybe I should have been more polite or whatever, but...I was not going to let this guy think he had some authority to order me around about calling my dad. You're here dating my dad's husband. You call my dad.

But Justin said, Do that. And call your moms too. And don't forget you have to practice your Haftorah before you go to bed.

I know, I know. Okay.

I don't want you to stay up late. We have to get out of here pretty early tomorrow.

So I called my moms and texted Dad and practiced my Haftorah while Justin and Evan put Jane to bed and did some last minute packing and had some incredibly boring conversation about possibly maybe painting one wall in the living room but maybe they shouldn't but maybe they should and God, maybe it was all some diabolical plan to make me fall asleep on the spot, I don't know. I was kind of keeping an eye on Evan, I don't know, but he seemed okay. Maybe kind of boring, but he told me a few things about himself over the evening that I tucked away. He was an artist. He was somewhere in his late twenties. He and Justin signed to each other too fast for me to understand.

Justin nudged me up to the guest room at around eleven and came to check on me a little while later. You need anything? he asked me.

No. I watched how he leaned against my doorframe. You look tired.

He nodded. I'm going to bed now.

How's your breathing?

I told you you're not supposed to worry about that stuff.

Asking isn't worrying. It's just asking.

He came in and kissed my forehead. I made a face.

You excited? he asked me.

Yeah. You?

He smiled a little. “Sure. Will be fun to see Jane there.”

Can we get her a magic wand?

“Yeah. Lights out, okay? Flight's early.”

Okay.

“Love you.”

Love you.

He started to go, and at the last second I reached out and grabbed his wrist.

“Yeah?” he said.

Everything's okay with you and Dad, right?

He tilted his head. Are you asking or worrying?

Worrying.

He squeezed my hand and let it go. “You don't ever have to worry about that, okay? We're a done deal. He's stuck with me.”

Yeah. Okay.

“Sleep well, Gus.”

Night, Justin.

**

We got up early, and Justin and Evan made breakfast and did that kind of stuff that always comes up when you're trying to go anywhere with a baby—I have like twelve sisters, I've been around—and we headed to the airport. I was starting to get seriously excited, and Jane obviously didn't really understand what was going on but she was feeding off the vibe and was happy and bubbly in her car seat, signing Dog and Bike and whatever else she saw out the window of our Uber.

We had a lot of stuff to wrangle, between our suitcases and Jane's stroller and everything, and I'd been watching Justin cough all morning, which meant he had to keep moving aside the mask he had to wear until we got to Orlando because of the germs in the airport and the plane and everything, and that meant people were already looking at him like he had the bubonic plague or something and I could tell he noticed and was not enjoying it, which meant he was definitely going to love this next thing I said! I nudged him before we went to security. You should get a wheelchair, I said. Practice for Disney.

I need to push the stroller.

Evan can push the stroller, I said. And I can push you. Like I said. Practice for Disney.

He shook his head.

You don't want to tire yourself out before we even get there, I said. I'll go up to the front desk and ask, okay? You don't even have to do anything.

This is not your job, he said to me.

It's not a job, Jesus Christ. Why do you make everything such a big deal? You'll feel better sitting down, we'll feel better not worrying about you running yourself too hard.

Justin looked at Evan, who cocked an eyebrow.

Would you do it if Brian were here? Evan said.

Justin rolled his eyes. I'd have to.

Well, he told you to make sure you do all the shit he'd do it if he were here. Let's get a wheelchair.

So I went up to the desk and asked, but it turns out it's not like Disney where you can just get a wheelchair and they leave you alone, because at the airport the wheelchair comes with a person to push you around who looks like they'd rather be doing anything but that, so that pissed me off, because like...Justin was already uncomfortable enough, and now this guy was acting like it was this huge burden to push him through security. When I totally would have done it and I could tell Justin didn't love being pushed by a stranger anyway. He carried Jane on his lap and Evan took care of our suitcases and I pushed the stroller and carried my backpack. I noticed after a while that Evan was keeping a hand on the wheelchair all the time, like he wanted Justin to know that this airport guy couldn't run off with him or something. And I liked that. You don't take control away from Justin; I'd known that since he screamed at Dad in the middle of Moms's anniversary party when Dad pulled his hearing aids out because Justin said he was getting a headache. You don't make that decision for him. It wasn't just pride that made him not want to get pushed around the airport. Or, I had to assume, Disney.

So I kind of thought about that but I didn't really know what to do about it or anything. We got to the gate, and the person pushing Justin just kind of left us there, so...okay. I touched Justin's arm. Can I go to the shop and get a soda?

How far?

You know I flew here by myself, right? Whole airport, by myself? Two airports.

Gus.

I rolled my eyes. Right there, see?

Okay. Do you need money?

I have Dad's credit card.

“What a coincidence, me too.”

I went to the newsstand and got some drinks and a magazine and some snacks. When I got back, Evan was in the bathroom, and Justin had moved out of the wheelchair and into one of the seats at the terminal. He has to take all these drugs when he flies to make sure he doesn't have a seizure or feel really sick, and they were starting to kick in and he looked pretty tired.

I sat next to him and split open a pack of Lifesavers, and he closed his eyes automatically and waited for me to give him one, and I didn't look when I took mine. We held our hands out and opened them at the same time. Red for him, green for me.

You get your wish, he said, and I laughed and pumped my fist. It's kind of stupid, but we've been doing it forever. Back when I was a little kid I used to share Lifesavers with my dad when he took me to the theater or a museum or something, and I'd always whine when I got green ones because I don't really like them. Then once Justin told me that the green ones were magic, and whoever gets the green one gets to make a wish, and...I don't know. It's not like I believed him, but it still made it more fun.

Next one's mine, Justin said.

Yeah, we'll see. I closed my eyes and made a wish.

**

The plane trip was pretty uneventful. Justin slept through most of it with his head on Evan's shoulder, and I watched movies on my laptop and ate pretzels while Evan played on his phone. Once we got to the airport there was a whole designated line and shuttle for people going to Disney, so that was pretty cool. I hadn't been since I was really little so I didn't remember anything specific, just something vaguely with a Snow White ride that scared the shit out of me and eating a lot of those ice cream bars that are shaped like Mickey.

They played this intro-to-Disney World movie on the shuttle, and it had captions! So that was nice. The shuttle went to all the Disney hotels, starting with the really super goddamn fancy ones, so uh...we got off pretty early. God, vacations with my dad are the fucking best. My moms are always telling me all eight million of us piled into one hotel room is “part of the experience.”

Evan said he'd handle checking in, even though I offered to do it, and Justin and I were standing around marveling at the million-foot ceiling when I heard this kind of “mmmph” noise from Justin and I looked and my dad had appeared out of nowhere, wrapping Justin in a bear hug from behind. Justin smiled, resting his hands on Dad's arm, and Dad kind of swayed him back and forth a few times before he turned him around and pulled him into the kind of kiss that they're apparently never going to be too old to do in public. So, yeah, looked like Dad and Justin were fine!

They sucked face for a while and finally stopped and Dad asked him a few questions about the flight and me and how he was feeling, and then Evan came over and Dad smiled and hooked his arm around his neck and kissed him, thankfully a lot shorter than how he'd kissed Justin. And then, finally, he sighed heavily and turned to me and offered his fist to tap, then snorted and gave me a rough hug and mussed up my hair.

So, this place is a shit hole, right? he said, and I laughed. He bent down and gave Jane a kiss in her stroller.

“Where are the girls?” Justin said.

Out at the pool. I told them I'd bring the baby out. He brushed Justin's hair off his forehead and frowned a little.

“Drugged up,” Justin said softly.

Yeah, I know.

Are we going to the park today? I asked.

Pool today, Dad said. Parks tomorrow.

I was about to complain, but Dad gave me a warning look, and I realized okay, yeah, Justin probably needed some time to get all the drugs out of his system. And hey, it had been a long winter and a cold spring. Pool sounded nice.

“Do I get my own room?” I asked Dad as we brought our stuff upstairs.

“No, you're with dear old Dad.”

“You're not rooming with Justin?”

“You ask a looooooot of questions,” he sing-songed.

Whaaatever. I changed into my swimsuit and followed Dad's directions down to this seriously massive swimming pool. Emily was wearing this blue bikini and looked, uh, wow, and she and Gwen hugged me and we talked about plans for tomorrow and I got about a third of what Emily said, which is pretty good for me.

I got in the water with Jane and she squealed loud enough to scare a lot of hearing people and kicked around the water, and just as I was handing her off to Gwen I heard something I hadn't heard in...kind of a while. My dad was laughing.

He was sitting sideways on one of the lounge chairs on the pool deck while Evan sat on one of the little plastic tables across from him, and in-between them Justin was stretched out on his own chair, looking a little sick and a lot tired, signing something I was too far away to see that made both of them laugh and Dad lean forwards and tuck his head briefly into Justin's neck.

Justin looked like total shit and my dad was so fucking happy he was here.

**

We had dinner at the bananas fancy hotel restaurant, and then Gwen and I took the ferry to Downtown Disney. I bought souvenirs for Moms and we got ice cream sundaes at the Godiva store, even though we'd totally had dessert at dinner. Justin and Emily were cuddled up together in a hanging chair in the hotel lobby when we got back, Jane napping on Emily's chest, and he said Dad and Evan were out checking out the nightlife. They came back drunk and laughing a little while after, and we all played cards in me and Dad's room for a while and it was fun because Dad and Evan were totally wasted and trying to act like they weren't, but they kept messing up all the rules and forgetting what they were doing and it was really funny. But then Emily and Gwen had to go and put the baby to bed and it was getting late and Justin was starting to cough more and more, so Dad signed a whole bunch of stuff at him and Evan that was way too fast and sloppy for me to follow and sent them off to their room next door to ours. Justin was breathing in this loud way that kind of scared me, but after they left Dad squeezed the back of my neck.

“He's okay,” he said. “Don't worry.”

“I sleep by myself every night, you know? You can go with him. I'll be fine.”

He rolled his eyes. “Thank you for for the permission, sir.”

“God, shut up.”

“Justin's fine. If I changed my plans every time he got wheezy I'd never get anything done.”

But sometime in the middle of the night I woke up to this weird noise, and since I was mostly asleep and I don't think I'd ever heard anything like that before it took me a minute to figure out it was Justin in the next room. He was breathing so loudly that I could hear it through the walls, and he was coughing so much and then I realized he was crying.

So I knew, obviously, that Justin had nightmares a lot, because...he has them a lot. But I'd always just seen him kind of startle awake from a nap and then my Dad would squeeze his shoulder and everything would be fine, or maybe for the really bad ones I'd get up to pee in the middle of the night when I was staying at their apartment and Dad would be up making Justin some tea to help him go back to sleep. I don't know when I found out about what happened to Justin when I was a baby that gives him those nightmares. Obviously someone must have told me at some point, but it feels like something I've always known.

Anyway. So of course I knew he had nightmares. But usually he could breathe. And always Dad was with him.

So I sat up to wake him up and tell him, to, you know, get his ass in there, and then kind of jumped because he was awake, sitting on the foot of his bed facing Justin's room, rubbing one hand over his mouth.

“Dad?” I said.

He startled. “Go back to sleep.”

“What's going on?”

“He has nightmares when he sleeps in new places,” he said. “I should have...he's okay.”

“He's wheezing really bad...”

“It's the scarring.” He kept watching the wall. “It's not as bad as it sounds.”

“How do you know that?”

He just rubbed his mouth and didn't say anything.

“Aren't you going to go?” I said.

“No. He's okay.”

“Dad...” I said, just as Justin sobbed, and Dad squeezed his eyes shut and ducked his head a little.

“He's okay,” he said, firmly, after a minute, but Justin still sounded just as bad as he had when I woke up. “Go back to sleep.”

I lay back down because I didn't know what else to do, and when I fell back asleep Justin was still crying and Dad was still sitting exactly where he was.

In the morning, nobody mentioned it.

**

We had breakfast at the hotel—I ate about ninety Micky Mouse waffles—and then we got on the shuttle to go to the Magic Kingdom. Dad was being handsy with Justin, the way he always is, signing on him and hooking his arm around his neck and poking his cheek to get his attention, but he was also all over Evan. I'm used to him being like that with Michael, but besides him he's not like that with just anyone, and it was weird to see him be cuddly with someone who wasn't Justin.

Justin's eyes were puffy—he has really bad allergies—and I could tell Dad was kind of worried about it because he kept touching Justin's cheekbones really carefully and resting the back of his hand over Justin's eyes until Justin batted him away. Jane was all excited watching the people and trying to figure out what was going on, and Gwen and Evan were going on and and on about all the stuff they were going to buy her. Evan was the first one of us off the shuttle, and he waved his hand for Justin and Dad's attention when they stepped up and signed something I didn't catch, but Justin and Dad clearly both got it because they started arguing about it, and Emily joined in when she got off and then I was completely lost because nobody signs as fast as Emily. If I don't get the topic as soon as people start signing, I never, ever figure it out. I just get more and more lost.

I tugged on my dad's elbow. “What's going on?”

“They have transport chairs to get you from the shuttle to where you rent the real wheelchairs,” Dad said, without taking his eyes off Justin's signing. “He doesn't want one.”

I can walk, Justin said. Everyone just saw me walking.

Dad looked exasperated as shit. Sweetheart, it's not about walking. It's about stamina.

I can get there.

I know you can, Dad said. But the percentage of your energy that's going to use up is not worth it. We can take this one, you can save it for shit we can't do for you.

Justin kind of bounced a little, looking anxious and looking at the wheelchair.

You were going to use one in a few minutes anyway, Dad said.

I know. I didn't think it was now. He'd imagined it in his head what it would it would be like, went over it over and over, and now that it was different, even in a little way, it was throwing him off. I know Justin.

And Dad does too. He came in kind of close to Justin and signed, Do you want to sit down? all small and quiet.

He nodded, just a little.

Okay. Sit. I have you.

Justin sat down in the wheelchair, and I went to take the handles, but Dad shook his head and handed Jane off to Emily. “Let me do it,” he said to me, softly.

“You said I could do it!”

“You can, just...let me start him off, okay?”

So I backed off and let Dad easily start it in motion. Justin leaned his head back and asked if he was heavy, and Dad rolled his eyes. “You weigh seven pounds,” he said, and nodded at me to sign it for him, and that kind of became my job, interpreting for the two of them since they couldn't really talk while Dad was pushing. So that was pretty fun.

We switched Justin to a different wheelchair at the entrance and followed the crowds down this little street filled with shops and to the castle. There were a lot of other people in wheelchairs, most of them in the rented ones like Justin was, and I think that made him relax some about the whole thing. Dad drummed on his shoulders a little whenever we had to stop.

We went on about eighty million rides. It was cool having that many people there because there was always someone who wanted to do something. We didn't get to skip the lines with the wheelchair, but we did get a different line and a lot of times that ended up being shorter, so it was pretty cool. Justin signed to every cast member who talked to him and tried to show him where to go that he was Deaf, and a few of them knew a few signs, which was cool. Most of them didn't, but none of them seemed uncomfortable miming stuff out for us and making it work, and Dad and I just pretended we were Deaf too and let them do it.

Emily loves roller coasters, so she and I went on Space Mountain and Splash Mountain and Thunder Mountain Railroad over and over. Dad was being...you know, Dad, rolling his eyes at the lines and the rides and the general happiness, but he behaved himself mostly. He let me push Justin and split a Dole Whip with Evan. Justin carried Jane on his lap—so now he weighed about nine pounds—and pointed out all the princesses and everything, and she shrieked every time.

At one point I was waiting outside the bathroom with Dad and Evan. We'd just come out of this long line and then the Peter Pan ride so we were kind of antsy. Justin had gone in without the wheelchair, so I was sitting in it and rolling back and forth. Dad and Evan were chatting about something work-related, I don't know, and that Evan just tipped forwards onto his hands and did a handstand.

“Whoa!” I said.

Dad shrugged. “He does that.”

“How?”

Evan walked a few steps on his hands, then tilted himself back onto his feet. He wiped his hands on his jeans and looked between us. “What did I miss?”

He doesn't know a lot of limber twenty-somethings, Dad said. Justin's been all locked up for about as long as he can remember.

Evan laughed a little. “I can teach you,” he said to me. “You want to learn?”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah, it's not hard. We'll get you up against the wall, come on.”

So I got out of the wheelchair and went over to the side of the bathroom, and Evan showed me how to lock my elbows and keep my core still and helped me get myself up against the wall. He smiled at me, upside-down. “You're a natural.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Jane started fussing after we came out of one of the shows (they had an interpreter there! Too cool). Gwen was holding her, and Justin asked Gwen if she was hungry with one hand while Dad stretched out his other arm, working his fingers around Justin's elbow.

I can get food, I said. I took Jane from Emily. Come on, you can show me what you want.

Evan and Justin and Dad and Emily were immediately all over me going, We don't know about her and nuts yet, at the same time, and oh my God, guys, relax. I put Jane in her stroller and brought her to a nearby food stand to get a look at what they had, turning the stroller around once we were in line so she could talk to me, which she did, babbling about the people in line and the roller coaster she could see and a plane overhead. I don't understand a lot of her baby talk signing, but that's okay. She doesn't mind. She's just a really observant little kid. Maybe she's gonna be an artist.

Dad clamped his hands down heavily on my shoulders. “Hey.”

“What's up?”

“Figured you could use a hand carrying everything.”

“Hmm. Probably.” I looked back over at the group. Emily and Gwen were signing up a storm, and Evan was pushing Justin in circles, making him do wheelies.

“You like him?” Dad said after a minute, all fake-casual like he does.

“Who, Justin? Yeah, I guess he's okay.”

Dad rolled his eyes.

“He's nice,” I said. “He obviously loves Justin.”

“Yeah, any idiot could see that.”

“Gee, thanks.”

“Anytime.”

We scooted up a little in line, and I said, “Can I ask you something?”

“I suppose I'm powerless to stop you.”

“You and Evan,” I said.

“Yeah?”

“Are you like...you know.”

Dad shuddered. “God no. He's twenty-eight.”

“Okay, well, Justin was seventeen...”

“One, Justin is an ageless demon, and two, you're...not supposed to know the seventeen part.”

“I can count.”

“Yeah, I always forget you learned how to do that.”

“Okay,” I said. “So you're not sleeping together.”

“Correct.”

“So he's like...he's just Justin's boyfriend, not yours.”

And then he just made this weird face and didn't say anything!

“Dad, what.”

“It's...”

“What, complicated?”

He rolled his eyes. “It's not complicated at all, it's just not...” He groaned. “I'm used to people who just let me live my life without poking at me all the time.”

“Boohoo.”

“He's...Justin's, so he's mine,” he said. “I don't know how else to explain it.”

“You could try being normal.”

“I'm not going to start that now. I'm very old.”

“Just give me a word,” I said. “Evan is my dad's...”

He cleared his throat and said, “What are you getting to eat?”

God!

**

We went to dinner at Downtown Disney that night and then hung out at the resort for a while, and the next day we did Epcot and Hollywood Studios. At one point in the afternoon Gwen had taken Jane back to the hotel for a nap, and Emily and Evan and Dad wanted to do Tower of Terror but I don't like drops and Justin thought it might hurt his neck, so he and I went and looked at some shops and then just hung out and rested for a little while. The streets in Hollywood Studios are all cobblestones, and he was getting kind of sore from rolling around on them, I think. But he'd been sort of quiet all day.

I sat on a bench and stretched my foot out and nudged him in the knee. You okay?

He gave me a tired smile. Kind of embarrassing to be tired when all you're doing is sitting.

To be fair, it doesn't exactly take a lot to embarrass you.

He stretched some, pulling his legs up on the seat of the wheelchair. “You may be right.”

Why is that? I said. You really think people are judging you for needing a wheelchair?

He sighed, wheezing. “It's not that exactly. It's more like...I think this is hard for healthy people to understand.”

So I waited patiently.

He said, “I don't think you ever get rid of the fear that people are going to think you're making a big deal out of nothing,” he said. “You always think...someone is rolling their eyes because they know I can walk and they think I'm being a drama queen. Someone thinks I just like the attention. Someone thinks I'm making it up.”

Those people sound like assholes.

“Sure, except there's a part of me that's convinced that they're right.”

These people who don't even exist.

He shrugged. “Yeah.”

I rolled the wheelchair around a little with my foot. I don't know why you think you're supposed to push yourself as hard as you possibly can, that that's something people want from you, I said. We actually want you to have a good time and not feel like shit. Why do you think you have to prove something? It's a vacation.

“Because making it easier for me means making it harder for everyone else,” he said. “Someone has to push me.”

We're practically fighting over pushing you. It's fun.

“I make your dad worry.”

My dad would worry anyway, I said. He always finds something to worry about and micromanage. It's what he does. And when he's with you... I shook my head a little.

“No, what?” he said.

I just don't think you know how different he is when you're not around. He's just all energy and frustration and nothing to do with it, and then when you're here...you give him something he can help. I don't think you get how much you comfort him.

“God,” he said. “When did you get so fucking grown up?”

Ugh. Don't remind me.

He laughed. “What?”

Just...all this Bar Mitzvah stuff, everyone's always talking to me about how I'm about to be a man and I just don't...feel ready.

“Why not?”

I don't know. I look at my dad, and all the shit he does an takes care of and like...I don't even understand what he does at his job.

“God, me neither.”

And with me and Jane and now he has a house and—no offense—the stuff with you—

“None taken.”

—and I know becoming a Bar Mitzvah doesn't mean anyone actually expects me to be an adult all of a sudden, but it's still like...it's closer to that. And it all seems really impossible.

Justin studied me. “People really have been telling you your whole life how much like him you are, huh?”

Yeah, yeah. I know what you're going to say. Big shoes to fill.

“They're absolutely big, sure, but they're also just specific. An you are a lot like him, but at the same time...I mean, I've met a lot of people. And trust me. There is only one Brian Kinney.”

Thank God for that.

“Amen.” He rolled himself around a little to face me head-on. “Your father is amazing,” he said. “He's the most brilliant, kind, considerate person I've ever met and he has no idea how great he is. And that's a rough way to live. And it's not your only option.”

I nodded a little.

He said, “I remember when I found out I was losing my hearing, I had all these ideas about what that was going to look like, but...going Deaf doesn't look like I thought it would. Being an adult probably isn't going to look like what you think it does either. You don't have to be a Brian. You can be a Melanie, or an Emily, or a Emmett, or a Ben, or a Derek, or a Daphne...or a Gus. The world is full of types of people. There actually isn't some rule book. For people. Relationships. There's no one checking to make sure you fit into a mold. You can be whatever anything you want.”

I think I want to make something a little bit better for someone.

“Something tells me that won't be hard for you,” he said.

**

Every time I rolled over in bed that night and woke up a little I could hear Justin coughing, and at one point I opened my eyes because I heard the door close and saw Dad's bed was empty, the covers thrown to the side. He was back the next time I woke up, though, and there in the morning, and we made small talk while we got dressed and ready. He was terse and grunty. He probably didn't get a lot of sleep.

We were just getting our stuff together to head out when there was a knock on the door. “Come in,” I said, and Dad rolled his eyes and said, They're literally all Deaf, on his way to the door. Oh yeah.

It was Evan, dressed and alone. They signed to each other, too small and fast for me to see, but pretty quickly Dad turned to me and said, “I'm gonna stay with Justin, okay? Go to Animal Kingdom with Evan and the girls.”

“You're not coming?”

“He's having a really bad day,” Dad said. “He needs a break.”

“No, of course, I just thought...” I gestured to Evan, a little.

“Animal Kingdom's my favorite,” Evan said. I kept forgetting how well he read lips. “I don't want to miss it.”

Dad came over and fixed the strap on my backpack. “Go on the safari,” he said. “See the Lion King show.” He smirked a little, then said, so softly I almost missed it, “Let me be here today?”

Oh. He wasn't sad about missing Animal Kingdom at all.

And yeah, a tiny part of me was disappointed he wasn't coming with me. But he brought me to Disney World and he'd spent the past two days walking around going on rides with me. It was a very tiny part.

“Yeah, of course,” I said. “Be nice to him.”

“Ugh. I'll try.”

The three of us left together, and Dad went into their room. I couldn't see Justin from the hall, but I could see the way my Dad's face relaxed when he saw him, how all the tension from this morning just melted away in a second.

And I thought...I know he was right, and there are a million people out there that I could be.

But I think I want to be someone who can do that.

I think I'd like being a Justin.