Saltwater

LaVieEnRose

Early evening on a Thursday, and I should have been filling out charts or pumping the stomach of a drunk seventeen-year-old, and instead I was curled up in a window seat on the Long Island Railroad, wearing a straw hat I'd bought especially for the occasion while my fiance slept on my shoulder. Who would have thought, back at the esteemed St. James Academy, that befriending the cute blond boy who sat by himself with the sketchpad would pay out these kind of dividends?

He and Brian and Evan had spent the week in Montauk at their beach house, except it wasn't technically their beach house yet? It was a whole thing, because whatever place they got they'd need to zhuzh it up, make it fully accessible for Justin and fully bougie for Brian, but obviously they couldn't do that until after they'd inked a deal, so the previous owner of this one was letting them do some sort of trial run to see if they wanted to make it all official. And because this weekend was Evan's birthday, and because Brian can't even decide to buy a tie without getting input from everyone on his contacts list, here I was taking a long weekend to scope the place out. And get some sun.

Emily was walking up and down the aisle with Jane, making up stories about the other people on the train to keep her entertained. Largely it consisted making fun of what people were wearing, but hey, they didn't know. And there's Aunt Daphne, Emily said.

I waved to her.

She looks very cute in her hat, Emily said to Jane. We like her hat.

Thank you, Jane. Her name sign is the I-handshape shaken—a hybrid between a J and blue, for her eyes. Mine is just DC, my initials, though I supposed that would be changing soon.

Montauk is a little further out from the Hamptons, about a three hour train ride from the city. It's a little quieter and artsier and more expensive, but still a hop skip jump from the nightlife, so right up their alley nowadays. Their house was, naturally, right on the beach, and I did not even want to know how much they were paying for it. I guess with that Disney money and the London office they didn't think about that stuff at this point. Whatever. With everything they had going on, they deserved to have one thing they didn't have to worry about. Let 'em be filthy rich.

The house was just a five minute cab ride from the station. We rolled the windows down and let the late-June air flood in, making waves with our hands. Everything smelled like sunscreen and salt and my skin was sticking to the cab seats. Derek was still sleepy, nuzzling the space between my shoulder and my neck, and Jane babbled to herself with her hands from Gwen's lap.

The house was, of course, right on the beach, up a winding driveway. It was paneled in light wood with a wrap-around deck, a back yard, and a private walkway down to the beach. There were white linen curtains in the windows, and everything looked open and airy, like something out of a book.

God, Derek said to me as we got out of the cab. This has got to be five million.

“No way,” I said.

Derek waved to Emily, who'd seen the paperwork—Brian runs evvvverything past her—but so far been tight-lipped. Or tight-fingered. Five million? he asked.

Emily shrugged cryptically but subtly pointed up.

Holy shit, I said.

Emily laughed. If Justin insists, then Brian insists.

Justin opened the door as we approached and took Jane and kissed her over and over. Hi, sweetie, hi, my baby. Hi hi hi! he said to us, then motioned for our bags. Let me help you—

Take the baby and go sit, I said. He looked good, though. The air out here really was nice.

He rolled his eyes but went back inside with the baby, yelling to Brian that we were here as he walked. Molly looked up from the couch when we came in and waved with a hand still holding the remote. Very loud, she said to Justin.

Brian needs to hear me.

Oh, trust me, he heard you.

The inside was like a light version of their loft back in Pittsburgh, with an open floor plan and stools at the counter and beams criss-crossing the ceiling. There was a wide, curved staircase at one end, and one side was all doors and windows opening onto a patio and the yard. You could see the ocean crashing below us from here. Incredible.

Justin set Jane down on the floor and she immediately toddled around exploring. His shirt was off and he was still skinny, but he had a bit of a sunburn on his shoulders and across his cheeks that did a lot to make him look more alive. How was the trip? he asked us. I'll have to take the train if I'm ever coming up without Brian.

Derek said, Not bad at all. Slept. He kissed Justin's cheek. Beer?

Yeah, in the fridge, help yourself.

Brian came in from outside, shiny with sunscreen, wearing sunglasses that probably cost more than my rent. He ran his hand across Justin's shoulders on his way to take our bags. He kissed my cheek. “Welcome to our humble abode.” We'd seen him since he'd been home from London, of course, but only a few times, and it was still this unbelievable relief that he was home. Things felt right again.

Where's the birthday boy? I asked.

“Outside. I don't think he's been inside voluntarily since we got here.” He came up behind Derek at the fridge and hugged him around the waist from behind, lifting him a few inches of the ground before dropping him unceremoniously to the floor, and I bit back a smile. He took the beer away from Derek. Don't drink that. I'm making margaritas. He studied Justin. Virgin for you.

And Evan. Justin sat down at the counter. And Jane.

Ah, yes, my wards. Except lazy demon over there gets alcohol. It makes her more pleasant. Marginally. “Excuse me, lazy demon?”

“Go away,” Molly said without turning around.

“Can you show our guests to their rooms?”

“I'm a guest.”

“To be a guest you have to be invited, my sweet.”

Molly groaned and pulled herself off the couch. Okay, she said to us. Come on. Emily slung her arm over her shoulders on our way up the stairs.

The upstairs was smaller than the downstairs because half the floor was taken up by an enormous sheltered deck with lounge chairs and a hot tub. Molly pointed to rooms as we passed. Brian, Justin, and Evan. Me. Daphne and Derek. Emily, Gwen, baby.

I dropped my suitcase in our room. It was small but nice, and it smelled like lemons. What are they going to do about the stairs? I asked Molly. Justin didn't like stairs even when his lungs worked well, just because of the fall risk, and now they really wear him out. Their house in Queens has stairs, but because of the layout Justin does't have to do them everyday. Not the case here.

They haven't decided, Molly said. Justin says it's fine, he can do them once a day, Brian says don't be stupid, Justin says okay fine, how about one of those chairs that bring you up, Brian says those are ugly and wants to put in an elevator, Justin says there's no point in something that expensive...around and around they go.

You buy an eight million dollar beach house and this is where you're pinching pennies, Derek said. Makes sense.

Molly shrugged. The house is for all of them. The elevator's just for him. You know Justin.

I hope they get the chair, Derek said later, when we were changing into swimsuits. I've been on an elevator. I've always wanted to ride on one of those chairs.

Brian was whipping up margaritas in the blender when we got back downstairs, and Justin was sitting on the kitchen floor helping Gwen put sunscreen on a very squirmy baby. I leaned against the counter next to Brian and he gave me a once-over. “Cute suit.”

“Oh, you just like that my tits are out.”

“You know me so well.”

“House is beautiful,” I said.

He glanced behind him at Justin. “You heard him breathe?”

“It's amazing.”

“I think he's sneezed twice today.”

“You ever bringing him home?”

Brian laughed. “No.”

Justin appeared, standing on his toes and kissing Brian's cheek. “Hi hearies.”

We'll stop, we'll stop, Brian said.

Justin tugged my hand. Come see the outside, he said to me.

I turned to Derek. You coming?

I'm going to help Brian, he said. Meet you out there. Brian stuck a lime in Derek's mouth and poured him a tequila shot. Ah, helping. Brian put a highball glass in my hand on my way out the door. Good man.

Evan was stretched out in a lounge chair on the small lawn, earbuds in and sunglasses on. I got some margarita on my fingers and flicked it at him, and he flinched and smiled at me, sitting up and putting his hearing aids in. “You're here!” He got up and hugged me. “Wow, look at you in that suit.”

I need to spend more time half-naked with gay guys, I said. It's very good for the self-esteem. I looked around. Jesus Christ, this is amazing. The yard was small, about ten feet wide, and then there was a small set of stairs leading down to the sand. Fifteen feet later the waves were breaking.

A year ago I was practically homeless, Evan said. I think this is a fairy tale.

Justin nodded. Cinderella with kidney failure.

Everyone came out soon after that. Derek chased me down the stairs and into the fucking freezing cold water, and Brian hauled Justin over his shoulder and carried him down while he kicked his back in protest. We stayed in the water for ages, taking turns stepping out to hold Janie's hand for her to shriek while the water rushed over her toes. Derek put me on his shoulders and had us chicken-fight Emily and Gwen, who we beat every time, and then Evan and Molly, who we definitely did not. We flopped down on towels on the sand after a few hours, too fucking tired to move until Brian coaxed us in with the promise of more margaritas, and we ate tacos and ice cream and tequila in their backyard until it got dark. Brian was in full host mode, refilling glasses and laughing at jokes and catching up on everything he'd missed while he was in London.

Justin was bright and awake and had color in his cheeks, and it was frankly amazing and Brian wouldn't stop looking at him, and everyone stayed cheery even when he got more breathless as the night went on. Evan seemed tired, and Brian kept an eye on him, but really, everything was good. Derek's skin glowed in the fading light, and I leaned back in his arms, smelling his sunscreen and watching Jane shift around, half-asleep huddled up to Justin.

She's cute, huh? Derek said to me.

I looked at her, then up at him.

What? he said.

Nothing. She's cute.

I wasn't used to staying up late nowadays, with my early shifts, so Derek and I showered and went to bed early, cuddled under crisp sheets while the waves roared us a lullaby.

**

Thanks to the aforementioned early shift, I was the first one up the next morning, besides Gwen and the baby, who were already out playing in the sand. I made coffee and waved at them from the backyard, watching the way Jane screamed with laughter every time she ruined Gwen's progress, and how Gwen gamely built it back up just for her to destroy again.

When nine o'clock rolled around and I was starving, I rooted through the cabinets and found enough stuff to cobble together some French toast and bacon. I figured the smell would wake everyone up, but that strategy only works on Derek, apparently. He came down and we made out against the refrigerator for a while, then I sent him up to get Emily—I know better than to wake up Molly for anything short of nuclear war—and I went to check on the boys. I opened their door quietly and bit back a laugh. Brian was sprawled out in the center of the bed, Justin's legs piled on top of his and his head pillowed on his chest, and his other arm was stretched underneath Evan, who was balled up tightly around his pillow, his forehead resting on Brian's wrist. It's funny; God knows how many times Brian had woken up tangled up between two guys, but he probably never pictured it going like this.

I knocked softly, and he stirred and looked at me, then the two boys, looking kind of charmingly sheepish. “Imagine trying to get up to piss in the middle of the night,” he said to me. He stretched around Justin to the nightstand and checked his phone. That side of the bed was crowded with Justin's nebulizer and a few pill bottles, and an oxygen tank on the floor next to the bed.

“Obstacle course,” I said.

“Mmmhmm. And the extra limbs make the seizures all the more exciting.” He turned his head slightly to drop a kiss on Justin's temple, and Justin mumbled in annoyance and nuzzled Brian's chest. “Everything okay?” Brian said to me.

“Everything's great. I made breakfast.”

“You're perfect. I'll wake them up. It's a bit of a process.”

I went back downstairs and helped Derek set the table, and a few minutes later the three of them came down the stairs, stretching and yawning. Justin held onto the railing but still lost his footing and slipped on one of the stairs, but Brian caught him instantly, his hands under Justin's elbows. We exclaimed over Evan and told him happy birthday and he smiled shyly and kind of ducked behind Brian. Twenty-nine, Brian said, and he and Justin grinned at each other.

Molly actually ended up waking up before we ate everything, in a strange turn of events, and Gwen and the baby came in and we all flitted around the kitchen and the living room, refilling our plates and eating on the couch or on the floor, talking about our plans for the day. Emily and Gwen wanted to go into town and do some shopping. Evan was talking about joining them, until Brian came up behind him and tapped his shoulder. You see what time it is? Brian said to him.

Evan checked the clock on the wall. Oh, damn. Okay.

What's up? Derek said.

We have to go back to the city, Evan said. Have to leave by noon.

Dialysis? I asked, and Evan nodded. There's no center around here?

They don't want him switching yet, since he's new, Brian said. He caught my eye and said, softly, “He's had a rough couple of sessions,” and I nodded.

How often do you have to do it? Derek asked.

Three times a week, Evan said.

Molly asked if it hurt, and then Emily wanted to know what the status was with finding a donor—we'd all been tested, except for Gwen who has a bleeding disorder, and Justin, and none of us had matched—and Evan seemed a little bit overwhelmed. I was actually about to step in, but I saw Brian and Justin catch each other's eye, and then Justin jumped in and asked Gwen if they ever did dialysis on pets, and she started talking about using it on cats how it had saved a kitten in her office recently, and that flowed into more weird questions from the vet clinic and Evan rested his head on Justin's shoulder.

We lazily got ready after breakfast, and after the girls and Jane went into town and Brian and Evan got in the car to head back to the city, Derek, Molly, Justin and I headed down to the beach. Derek and Molly were in the water immediately, but I didn't want to get my hair wet again and Justin told me he didn't want to get in either. “Exhausting,” he said, spreading down a towel next to mine, at an angle so we could see each other's signing, and flopping down.

Swimming, or Molly and Derek? I said, and he laughed. And the sound of his laugh, honestly, was kind of startling. I'd gotten used to how breathless he usually sounded, and now...he was still wheezy, don't get me wrong, but this was different.

I smiled at him.

“What?” he said.

Nothing. Just thinking Brian would probably pay twenty million for a house that has you breathing like this.

He wrinkled his nose and grinned. “We're already talking about schedules. Seeing how often he can get away, how often we're comfortable with me being alone up here...it's complicated.”

We just caught up on everything for a while: how my parents were (fine, moving to Florida), how Jennifer was (fine, still thought Evan was a friend who was staying with them, still kind of pissed at Brian about London but would never admit it), how work was (fine, I liked my new hospital, and Justin had a small show in two weeks). We talked about wedding stuff, and I pulled out my phone to show him pictures from my most recent fitting, and then we started talking about what everyone else was wearing, Derek and Brian and my ridiculously fashionable aunt, and Jane, in her flower girl dress.

She's going to steal the show, I said, and Justin smiled to himself, looking up at the blue sky. After a minute I said, What's it like?

“What, having a kid?”

I nodded.

He shrugged. “I barely remember what it's like not having one at this point. Been half my life.”

True.

He stretched for a minute, then said, “Sometimes if I'm having a bad night and I can't calm down, Brian will just...” He smiled a little and signed their names a few times. “Over and over.”

And it helps?

“Yeah. Reminder that there's stuff outside the room. Outside my body. Outside that night. They're always real.”

I looked out to the water and said, before I could convince myself not to, We haven't talked about it.

“You and Derek?”

I nodded. Please don't tell me how dumb it is that I'm four months from my wedding and we haven't discussed kids. I know.

“Brian and I didn't talk about it until like two years after we got married.”

I think a lot of how you and Brian got married probably didn't follow what Miss Manners would suggest.

“Hmm. Possibly.” He stretched his legs into the air, pointing his toes and letting them go. “When we did talk about it finally I told him I didn't want any of my own. So even if you had talked about it might not be enough. Sometimes people change their minds.”

I do want kids, I said. I've always wanted kids. But now I'm looking at my life and I don't know how to make it work. I don't want my kids raised by nannies like I was. And I'm scared he'll just say he doesn't want them at all, so there's really...there's no good outcome to the conversation.

“It's Derek,” Justin said. “He wants kids.”

With a doctor who's never home? Or God, what if he thinks I'm going to stop working and be some kind of housewife?

“You'll make it work,” he said. “You two make everything work.” He checked the time on his phone. “Evan should be starting now.”

We were quiet for a while, just taking in the sun, and after a while I got up and stretched out in the sand, bending over backwards and working out sore muscles in my back. Justin watched me, a thoughtful look on his face.

I laughed and straightened up. “What?”

Can I paint you?

You've painted me a million times.

No, I mean...

Oh, shit! Naked?

If you'll let me.

I laughed. Sure, what the hell, you've seen it before. Tomorrow?

Tomorrow.

He went inside not long after that—he has to be careful about getting too hot, since it's a seizure trigger for him—and I read a little and took a nap and let Derek drag me in for lunch a few hours later. The girl were back from the shops, and Gwen was sunbathing on the lawn while Emily cuddled on the couch with Justin and kept an eye on Jane watching some kind of kiddie TV.

We made sandwiches and started day drinking and went through all the shit Emily and Gwen bought, roasting their home décor choices (seriously, swans?). Most of us were in the living room playing various party video games and vaguely discussing dinner when Brian and Evan got back. Evan gave us a tired wave but went straight upstairs without even really looking at us. Justin immediately got off the couch and followed him up the stairs. Brian kept an eye on him until he was at the top, then sauntered over to the couch and fucked up Molly's hair.

Is he okay? Emily said.

Brian rolled his eyes. He's fine, he's just tired. You know Justin. Worries. He leaned over us to get some chips, and while he was bent over said, “Can you check him in a little while?” softly in my ear. I nodded as subtly as I could. Brian went over to the kitchen to get a beer, and Derek glanced at him and then got up and went after him. He can read Brian's energy really well, and he's amazing at calming him down without being over the top about it.

I waited twenty minutes before making eye contact with Brian, who by then was sprawled out on the floor resting against Derek's legs, pretending to watch the game he was playing an idly rolling a ball back and forth with Jane. He nodded a little, and I made some excuse about calling my mom and headed upstairs. I grabbed my blood pressure cuff and my stethoscope from my bag—Derek laughed at me for packing them, but goes to show you never know!—and slowly opened the door to their room.

They were both awake, and dressed, blessedly. The TV was on and Evan was lying with his head on Justin's chest while Justin wound his curls around his finger. I held up the blood pressure cuff, and Evan slowly sat up.

He's still feeling woozy, Justin said. And his heartbeat's really fast.

I nodded and sat down on the side of the bed, sticking my stethoscope in. Muscle cramps? I asked Evan.

Yeah, my legs. He breathed in slowly when I put the stethoscope to his chest.

Dizziness worse when you sit up?

Yeah.

I listened to his chest for a little while—sounded good—and then put the blood pressure cuff around his arm. Probably they just took out a little too much fluid. Let them know next time that they need to re-evaluate your dry weight.

“Okay.”

I held the stethoscope to the inside of his arm while I tightened the cuff. Yeah, still pretty low, I said as I let it go. I'll get you something salty to drink, should help.

You know what they say, Justin said, winding himself around Evan. Tears, sweat, or the sea. Nothing salt water can't fix.

After a few hours he and Justin came back downstairs. Evan still looked exhausted as hell, but Brian casually draped a blanket over his lap and told us not to hover. Justin stuck by him in the arm chair while the rest of us pulled together dinner, seafood and salad and tons of wine, and Brian came over to their chair every so often, bringing them food to taste and going back and adjusting the spices based on their opinions, taking Evan's pulse with his fingers on his neck and bringing Justin a Benadryl when his eyes got a little swollen.

“Happy to be back?” I asked him softly, when he was at the stove adding a dash of cayenne to the shrimp, at Justin's request.

He just smirked a little, and I thought he wasn't going to say anything, but after a minute he said, “Like coming up for air.”

Emily and Gwen surprised us after dinner with cupcakes they'd bought while they were out, and we made Evan make a wish and blow out a candle, and Jane got hers all over her face, and then we lay around the living room and Justin and I told stories about our high school and Derek and Emily told stories about theirs and we laughed until our stomachs hurt while Evan slept on Brian's shoulder.

**

Justin and I got started on our painting pretty early the next day. He offered to to do it in my room so it would be private, but if I was going to be naked I was going to be out in the sun, thank you very much, so I just stripped down and lay out in their little backyard. We were kind of giggly and awkward about it at first, but after a while it was fine. Plus it was pretty funny watching everyone wake up and discover us one-by-one. Emily and Gwen were all shocked and giggly. Derek flicked Justin in the shoulder. Evan blushed bright pink and everyone made fun of him.

“Why don't I have tits like that?” Molly whined when she came out.

Brian, who was out here reading the paper, spared me a glance, then shrugged and took a sip of his coffee. “Taylors are scrawny.”

The whole thing was kind of funny, just how comfortable it was, and how after a joke or two nobody made a big deal out of it, and people wandered in and out to see how the painting was going or to head out to the beach or to ask me some question about the wedding. It was just...normal, and as I lay there and watched Justin paint I got sort of emotional about this whole thing. How unlikely it was that we'd all come together. What if I hadn't made friends with Justin, back in high school? What if he hadn't gone to Liberty Avenue that night? What if he hadn't met Derek's mother at his friend's art show? What if Emily had stayed home from the party where she met Gwen? What if Justin hadn't been at the gallery the night Evan was putting up shelves? What if we hadn't made it through all this bullshit we've weathered?

And why was I worried that a kid I might have would be raised by strangers?

**

We took a break to eat lunch and rest Justin's hand, and we crowded around the backyard and ate burgers and corn on the cob that Gwen grilled up. I flopped down on the grass—I'd put some clothes on—while Derek sat behind me and tied my hair into twists. I always kind of zone out when Derek does my hair, but I still heard Justin, standing up next to me with Jane in his arms, say, in a voice that didn't sound entirely like his, “Someone take the baby.”

Brian and I both got up immediately, but I was closer and took her first. Justin sank slowly down to one knee, hanging onto the bottom of one of the lounge chairs, and Brian was there immediately, crouching down and putting a hand on his shoulder.

“Can he breathe?” Molly said.

Brian nodded, watching Justin. Seizure. It's a weird one. Justin tried to put his head down, and Brian said, No, no, sneezy, not in the grass. He motioned for Derek to come over, and he got up immediately and helped Brian pull Justin up and onto one of the chairs. Cold washcloth, he signed to Evan, who nodded and went inside. Justin held his head and breathed erratically, and Molly came over next to him and took his hand. He's okay, Brian said to her. Just need to cool him down.

Is he conscious? Emily asked.

Brian studied Justin. Not really. He rubbed his back. It's okay, Justin.

“Why isn't he shaking?” Molly said.

“Sometimes he doesn't.”

Evan came back with a cold washcloth and draped it over Justin's neck, and he shuddered while Brian comforted him and blew cold air on the insides of his wrists.

Derek said, Do you need help bringing him in?

I don't want to move him right now if we don't have to, Brian said. It'll hurt him, he's really locked up.

I walked a few steps away, and Derek came over and touched my arm. “You okay?” he said to me.

Of course, I'm fine. I just don't want Jane to see and get scared. I shifted her against my shoulder, and Derek smiled a little and gave my arm a squeeze.

Evan and Brian got Justin inside a few minutes later, and we all kind of flowed in after them, hovering and acting like we weren't hovering. Derek got Justin some ice water and Brian sat next to him and patiently encouraged him to sip it. Justin was really shaken up, crying a little and shivering and looking very lost. Seizures are just fucking brutal. I see a ton of them in the ER and everyone is just wrecked after. It's amazing Justin weathers them as well as he does.

Brian and Evan had us give him some space and encouraged him to lie down on the couch once he'd finished his water, and after about ten minutes he fell asleep, his arms wrapped around his head. Brian came into the kitchen and clapped his hands on Derek's shoulders and kissed my cheek.

Is he okay? Emily asked.

He's just fine. Should probably stay out of the heat for the rest of the day, though.

We all ended up staying inside mostly. Brian answered some work emails, Molly called her boyfriend, Gwen and I played Scrabble, and Emily and Evan and Derek, after he'd finished my hair, made dinner. We all sort of flitted around without talking too much, everyone keeping an eye on Justin, and it was quiet but not subdued, really. Just peaceful. And it struck me as so significant that Brian knew that Justin wouldn't want to be sequestered away, and that he was okay with honoring that. That it didn't scare him or anger him to have Justin here, exposed and upset and vulnerable. They trusted us with that just like I trusted them to see me stretched out and naked.

Speaking of. I slipped outside at one point as it was getting dark to look at the painting. It wasn't finished yet, but it was still fucking awesome. I felt an arm move around my shoulders and smelled Brian's cologne and leaned into him a little, and we just looked at it together for a while.

“He really is good,” Brian said softly.

We woke him up to make him eat dinner and sat around after drinking wine and making plans for the rest of the summer. Justin was quiet, watching us all with a small smile while Evan rubbed his shoulders. Eventually the girls kissed everyone goodnight and went to put the baby to bed. Derek went to take a shower, Molly left to start her skincare routine, and I picked up the board games we'd started and never finished while Justin dozed on the couch and Brian and Evan cleaned up the kitchen. I looked up often enough to catch bits of their conversation. Mostly it was light stuff, what they needed to get at the store when they went home tomorrow, gossip about someone at work, light obsessing over Justin the way only the two of them can. Brian asked him a few questions about how he was feeling, and when Evan kept yawning he took a plate out of his hands and kissed him and nudged him towards the stairs.

I got up and came into the kitchen and took the plate from him in turn. “I've got it,” I said.

He rolled his eyes.

“Go lie down with them,” I said. “I can wash some dishes.”

He sighed, but let me, switching off lamps and straightening up a few things on his way to the couch. He woke Justin up gently, his hand on his waist, and helped him pull himself off the couch. He followed while Justin dragged himself to the foot of the stairs, then put his arms up over his head, eyebrows raised. Justin nodded heavily and copied, and Brian picked him up easily and carried him up.

I was floaty on my feelings from that and the quiet from the dark kitchen when I went up to my room. Derek was just getting out of the shower, and he smelled so fucking good, and I buried my nose in his neck for a while and and he cupped the small of my back.

I pulled away impulsively and said, I want to have kids. I want this. I want more of this.

He frowned a little. Of course we'll have kids.

Yeah?

I figure in a few years, yeah. Once you're done with your residency and you're making enough money that I can stop working. He got into bed.

I stared. You want to stay home with them?

He shrugged. Yeah, of course.

God. God. I love you so fucking much.

He smiled and pulled me towards him, and we kissed for a long, long time.

We're going to have a good family, he said after, small. I could hear Justin coughing softly in the next room.

I closed my eyes and rested my forehead against my fiance's. We already do.