Guardian of the Sick

by LaVieEnRose

Every once in a while, the Jennifer half of me takes over and I become a nice person, a saintly sister, or sister-in-law, or whatever the fuck you'd call what I am to Evan, in this case. Brian and Justin were in Pennsylvania for two weeks at the dog place, getting Justin used to the dog and Justin used to her in some kind of service dog boot camp situation. Justin had asked me to be available for Evan, because of how his kidneys don't work, and because he hasn't been feeling well, don't press him about it, don't hover. So I brought him groceries after dialysis one night because I figured he'd be tired, and we ended up having dinner together and staying up late watching the kind of horror movies Justin can't sit through. And after that it kind of became a tradition. On dialysis days I'd come over, help him cook something or give up and order in, and we'd crash out on the couch and laugh while people got murdered and then fall asleep, sometimes me in the guest room and him in the basement, sometimes crashed out on the couch together when we were too tired to move.

I like Evan. Too bad he's gay. And like, married to my brothers.

One night, the day before Justin and Brian were scheduled to come home, I could tell he was feeling really crappy. He didn't have a lot of color in his face and he didn't talk much during dinner. He fell asleep on the couch halfway through the movie, so I covered him up with a blanket and...I don't know, I felt weird about just going back to my room for some reason, so I ended up lying on the floor on the big fluffy cushions they have and watching YouTube videos until I fell asleep.

My phone woke me up the next morning. Brian on FaceTime. I groaned and rolled over and answered. “What.”

He gave me a big smile. “Good morning, princess.”

“God, fuck off. What time is it?”

“It's past ten, get over yourself. Why are you at my house?”

“Purely to annoy you.”

“Joke's on you, I'm glad you're there. I was trying to reach Evan but he didn't pick up.”

I held the phone up so he could see Evan still sleeping on the couch.

Brian frowned. “He never sleeps this late.”

“I don't think he was feeling well last night.”

“Yeah, that's why I'm calling. All right.”

I stretched. “How's dog world?”

“Justin's out there with her right now practicing lying on the ground for her. Because his allergies weren't bad enough, let's throw in some grass.”

“What does she do when he lies on the ground?”

“Lies on his chest, licks his face, tries to wake him up. And if he doesn't get up in a minute or so, runs and gets the phone with the big red button. Calls me. Tada.”

“That's so cool.”

“She needs to practice on him having seizures, right? So she gets used to detecting them. And they ask us, do we need to do something to trigger a seizure...”

“Ha.”

“I was like yeah, wait five minutes, going five minutes without a seizure is one of his triggers.”

“Are they bonding?”

“Yeah, Justin's in love.”

“How about you?”

“Sure,” he said with an eye-roll. Poor Brian. Dog on all his furniture.

“Are you still coming home today?” I said.

“Yeah, leaving in a few hours.”

“You and Justin and Martha.”

“And Martha.” He shook his head. “She couldn't be named something Justin could actually say, no.”

“Too easy. She'll learn ASL soon enough anyway.”

“Yeah, I know.”

I looked up. “I think Evan's waking up.” I put my hand on his knee. Hi.

“Let me see him,” Brian said, and I handed the phone up to Evan, who rubbed his eyes and smiled and started signing, asking questions about Justin and the dog first, then moving on to presumably answer Brian's, telling him he felt fine, yes he made all his dialysis appointments, no there was nothing to worry about.

I got up, yawning, and trekked to the kitchen to make something for breakfast. Evan came in a few minutes later, off the phone now, and clapped his hands on my shoulders. He looked...tired. Really tired.

Maybe you should rest until they get home, I said. You're going to want to play with the dog.

“I'm okay.” He opened the refrigerator. “Don't you need to get home?” he said. I'd been studying pretty non-stop these days. Senior year and all that.

I looked at the way his hand shook on the handle of the refrigerator. I think I'll stay. If that's okay.

“Yeah, you want to meet Martha?” He did her name sign, an M shaking slightly back and forth.

Of course.

“It's going to be so fun having a dog around here,” he said. “I'm gonna teach her to do all kinds of tricks. Mostly ones that involve harassing Brian.”

We had breakfast, or I did; Evan didn't really eat. I didn't draw attention to it. Are you excited for them to get home? I asked.

“I've never been away from them this long,” he said. “And it's weird...I've never stayed in the house without them at all. I was ready for them to tell me I needed to stay somewhere else.”

You're deranged.

“Yeah, I know.”

We cleaned up the dishes and I pushed my luck and said, You sure you don't want to lie down?

He gave me this sheepish kind of smile and said, “Maybe I should for a little while.”

That's all I'm saying. I nudged him towards the basement door. Go. I'll make sure you're awake before they get here.

I'd brought some books with me, so I just hung out and studied a little and pretended I was studying and actually watched TV a lot. Evan got up on his own about an hour before Brian and Justin came back, and he still didn't look good but after a shower and some sleep he at least didn't seem like he was about to keel over. He was getting really antsy waiting for the guys to get home, and it was pretty cute. It's fun to see someone like effusively, blatantly love Justin. Obviously Brian adores him, but his way is full of eye-rolls and snarky comments and, well, that's how I love people, I don't need to see more of that. Evan's way is novel.

I waved at Evan when I heard the key turn in the lock and then there they were, Brian and Justin and the smallest, blackest, fluffiest poodle you can imagine. “Ohhhh my God,” I said, dropping to my knees immediately. “Hi Martha! Hi hi hi!”

She watched Justin, who went over to Evan and gave him a firm kiss and then a tight hug. Missed you, Justin said. You should have come.

Evan laughed. They didn't even want Brian there. True: I'd heard the whole saga. They try to avoid having extra people there, and with Justin they obviously already needed an interpreter, so they were already like okay, that's plenty, but between his shitty breathing and the seizures it's just not feasible for Justin to be on his own for two weeks. So they let him bring one person, and they picked Brian because there wasn't a dialysis center close to the dog training place, and also probably because Brian's the most likely to have a nervous breakdown from being away from Justin for two weeks. See, people think I don't pay attention!

Brian narrowed his eyes a little at Evan, like he was thinking, but got distracted by Martha wandering into the house. “Okay, yes, this is home. Don't pee in here.”

Justin hugged me and said, Isn't she cute?

Adorable. Does she really work?

Yeah, it's really cool. You'll see.

And I did, about an hour later, when we were eating lunch and catching up. Martha had been sleeping with her head on Justin's knee, when all of a sudden she sat up and barked sharply and nudged Justin's hand.

Here we go, Brian said.

I feel fine!

Yes, Baruch Spinoza, that's the point of her.

Sure enough, a few seconds later Justin's arm started shaking. He reached out with his other hand and scratched Martha's head. “Good girl.”

What's the point of her barking? I asked.

Brian pointed at himself.

Ah, of course.

The seizure finished, and Justin rested his head on Evan's shoulder. Tired now. Evan kissed his forehead.

Brian stealthily fed Martha a cracker. “Good girl,” he said softly.

**

The next time I saw Martha (and Brian and Justin and Evan too, but that's not nearly as exciting) was at the bar with everyone a few nights later. Justin was bright and animated and Martha just lay under the table at his feet, and I kept forgetting she was there. She looked so cute in her service dog harness.

How big is she? Emily asked.

Twelve pounds, Justin said. We wanted a small one so she'd be easier for me to manage. And it's not like she's doing anything she really needs strength for. She's not supposed to catch me.

My job, Brian said, pecking him on the cheek.

Evan was quiet, leaning on his elbow and running his finger around the rim of his water glass, but he smiled in the right places and chimed in to tease Justin some. Brian went up to the bar to get another round, and I came with him to help carry. We leaned against the bar while we waited, and Brian looked over at the table, all of them grabbing each other for attention and signing on top of each other's hands, with a smile in his eyes.

He's so happy, he said.

“I think so too.”

“He's doing stuff on his own again,” Brian said. “He's been holed up since what happened at the art opening. Yesterday he went to his studio. He stopped at the fucking grocery store on his way home.”

“He doesn't have to be as scared.”

“It's...” Brian took a deep, shaky breath. “Wow.”

“Martha for president.” I chewed the inside of my mouth. “So how's Evan?”

“He's okay,” Brian said, a little too quickly if you ask me.

“He seems really tired.”

“Dialysis is a bitch.”

“When does he get a kidney?”

“The million dollar question,” Brian said. “If he gets sicker they'll move him up the list. Until then we just wait.”

“You don't think he's getting sicker?”

Brian looked at me sideways.

“I'm just asking,” I said.

“If something was wrong, he would tell me,” Brian said.

“It's Evan. Would he?”

Brian didn't take his eyes off him. “Yes.”

**

I went out to lunch with Justin and Martha a few days later, at this cute cafe in Chelsea. The waitress cooed over Martha and brought her a bowl of water, and Martha was sweet and quiet until Justin started wheezing halfway through and she whined and nudged his pocket until he took his inhaler out.

She's good, I said.

She's bossy.

I went back to the house with him after because I was desperate for any excuse to avoid studying. It was cool to watch Martha navigate the city. She stayed so calm even in huge swaths of people, and she had no hesitation about stepping into elevators or onto the subway. I wasn't allowed to pet her, which was annoying.

She sticks really close to you, I said.

She does it at home too. It makes Brian and Evan laugh. I'm always tripping over her because she sticks to me like glue.

Does she like Brian and Evan?

I think so. But she knows what her job is. Guardian of the sick.

Brian was at the office when we got back, but Evan was there, asleep on the couch. Justin woke him up with a soft kiss and asked him if he wanted some coffee. I can get it, Evan said, but Justin shook his head and pulled a blanket over him.

I followed Justin to the kitchen. Are we worried? I said.

We are trying very hard not to be worried.

Brian keeps saying he's fine.

Yeah, I know.

So what is it going to take for him to realize there's a problem?

He knows. He's just.. He shrugged. He's trying very hard not to be worried.

And right then Brian came in, pulling off his jacket and tossing his briefcase onto the table by the door.

He's going to have to talk about it at some point, I said.

“Well, no time like the present.” He waved Brian over to the kitchen, and Brian came over and brushed his lips with a quick kiss.

You good? Brian said. He reached down and rubbed Martha's head, and she trotted into the living room.

“I'm good. Evan was asleep again when I got back.”

Brian shrugged. He was home alone and bored, what else is he going to do.?

“Uh, literally anything. I think we need to get him to make a doctor's appointment. Something isn't right.”

Of course something isn't right. He has HIV and he's in kidney failure. But he's managing. We don't need to worry about him.

Guys? I said.

“I think it's getting worse,” Justin said. “I don't think the dialysis is working as well as it was.”

We don't have options if the dialysis isn't working, Brian said.

Justin watched him steadily, and he looked old suddenly, older than Brian.

It has to be working, Brian said. He's fine.

Guys, I said, and finally they looked at me.

I pointed to the couch.

Martha was perched at the end of the couch, her ears alert. Guarding Evan.