Jellyfish

LaVieEnRose

What does next week look like for you two? Brian asked us one evening in May, while he was on the couch on his laptop, and Evan and Martha and I were flopped on the floor. Evan was scrolling through Twitter on his phone, and I was painting Evan’s toenails purple. Martha was mostly contemplating the state of the world, I think.

What does it look like? I repeated. A lot like most weeks. I kind of picture the days going up like this, and then you get to the weekend and they make a hook.

Yeah? Evan said. I always picture all the days just in a circle.

Ooh, interesting!

I am returning both of you for store credit, Brian said, and Evan and I looked at each other and giggled. Can I start over?

I swiped some nail polish on Evan. “As many times as you like, dear.”

He flicked me off and said, I don’t have a lot of stuff due next week and I think I can do all my meetings remotely. I would like to go to the beach house. How does that sound?

Yes, I said immediately. I’m doing nothing. I had thrilling plans to read a book.

He turned to Evan. How about you, kid?

Evan wiggled his toes. I guess if my boss says it’s okay.

He says it’s okay.

Cool!

So that weekend, we packed up our shit and loaded up the car and headed out to the beach house. It was only early May, so not really warm enough for swimming and sunbathing, but I didn’t mind. I love it there. I spend so much time at home that it’s nice just to see different walls for a while, plus my hayfever’s waaay better out by the water. Evan let me ride shotgun since I get carsick pretty easily, and they blasted music and screamed the lyrics aloud and I just smiled and leaned against the window and watched them. And enjoyed the quiet! I know Brian can’t sing, and, well, Evan is Deaf, so I’m guessing he’s not the greatest either. Sometimes the quiet is okay!

It was just nice, after the unsettling few weeks we’d just had, to get away and relax and be happy just the three of us, and everything felt so normal and nice. I didn’t know the details of everything that had gone down with Brian and Evan–I knew they’d talked, and obviously Brian ran the legal decisions by me before he presented them to Evan–but I was okay taking a step back and letting them work this one out themselves. It’s probably healthier for all of us that they have some stuff between the two of them that isn’t centered around me. Even if I do like the attention. I’m spoiled.

It was sunny and cool when we got to the beach house, and we changed into white linens–but of course–and went for a walk downtown. Evan hoisted me onto his back when I got tired, and I just marveled at how strong he was nowadays. The anti-rejection meds made him feel like shit some days, and obviously he was still positive, but…wow. Kidney transplants are magical.

We got lobster rolls on the dock for dinner and I trailed my toes in the water and scratched Martha’s head and watched Evan and Brian arguing about lobster condiments and looked out at the sunset and just…

Something’s going to go wrong in this story, obviously. There’d be nothing to talk about if something didn’t. But I just want you to know that this feeling never goes away. Me and Evan and Brian and the sun and the sea.

**

We slept in the next morning. Brian and Evan did a few meetings and some other remote stuff and I read and napped and took the dog for a long walk and otherwise enjoyed my lifestyle as a houseboy. I made a huge thing of nachos for lunch and plenty of margaritas and we ate on the porch looking over the ocean.

Here’s an idea, I said. What if we never go back?

We do have jobs, Evan said. And friends. And a child.

Make them come to us! Except for the jobs. The jobs are not invited.

I’m not sure they’d all fit in the house, Evan said.

Brian will just need to buy us some more houses.

Probably difficult if he doesn’t have a job, Evan said.

Brian had been checking his phone, but he saw me sign his name. What is Brian doing?

Spending money indiscriminately.

He smiled like he was trying not to. I love that face. That sounds more like a Sunshine thing than a Brian thing.

Oh, please. You’re just as bad as I am. How much did that shirt cost?

He looked down at his chest. You bought me this shirt.

“Oh. Hmm.”

We ventured down to the water when we were done eating. Evan was collecting seashells, and Brian sat in the sand with a book and every once in a while glanced up at Evan with a ghost of a smile on his face. I felt like annoying Brian, so I hung all over him for a little and asked him questions about his book while he was trying to read that he gamely answered. Eventually I decided to give him a break, so I rolled up the legs of my pants and waded into the water a bit. I was in there for maybe two minutes when I felt a sudden, sharp pain on the back of my ankle.

“Hey,” I said, and picked my foot up.

Evan has that Justin-radar, so he was on me immediately. What’s wrong?

I’m not sure.

Did you cut yourself?

I shook my head and looked at the back of my ankle. There was a small red mark there, maybe a little swollen. I think something bit me?

Evan scanned the water and then pointed at a wave rushing back into the sea. Jellyfish.

“Hmm.”

He watched me carefully. Ever been stung before?

I shook my head.

Brian had wandered over by now, with Martha at his heels. What’s up? he said. I was still standing on one foot, so he put his hand on my arm to steady me.

He got stung by a jellyfish, Evan said.

Okay. Brian helped me limp back to the sand, then took a look at my ankle. It doesn’t look too bad. How do you feel?

Fine, it just stings a little.

Are we supposed to pee on it? Evan asked.

I shook my head. Urban legend. And it’s not that bad.

I assume you can be allergic to jellyfish stings, Brian said. And similarly I assume that you are.

I tested putting weight on that foot. Not bad. Why, because I’m allergic to bees?

Because you’re allergic to everything, but yes, bees are on my mind.

Let’s continue this conversation inside, Evan said. Where there’s Benadryl. You need me to carry you?

No, I’m okay. Just stay close, I guess. Waiting to see if I’m going to have an allergic reaction to something is maybe my least favorite activity in the universe. I hate having to be aware of my body to that extent, having to do those constant check-ins, because all of a sudden everything feels like a symptom and I get so completely paranoid and I don’t even know what’s a problem and what isn’t. It sucks.

We got inside and Brian sat me on the couch while Evan looked up jellyfish stings on his phone. You look okay, Brian said. How’s the breathing?

Normal.

It says vinegar, Evan said. Or hot water. Once we get the barbs out. Are there barbs? What’s a barb?

Like…the stinger. Brian examined my ankle. I don’t see any.

Yeah, it’s really not that bad, I said. I think it barely got me.

Tell that to your immune system.

So far it seems to agree.

Brian sighed and leaned his elbow against the back of the couch, watching me. Brian hates allergic reactions. We don’t do them often enough for him to be comfortable with them, so he feels like he doesn’t know what he’s doing and…well. He doesn’t handle that well.

“Whatever’s gonna happen is gonna happen,” I said to him, softly.

He nodded a little.

“We’ll deal.”

He nodded again. What do you want right now?

“Uh…let’s go ahead and do Benadryl. It can’t hurt. And if vinegar takes the sting out, let’s do that. It’s starting to bug me."

We didn’t have any vinegar, turned out, so we just did hot compresses on it, which helped a little. I said we should watch a movie so we had something to do other than obsessively monitor my symptoms, and I made them promise not to look at me every five seconds as long as I swore to keep them updated if anything started to feel weird. Evan curled up in the armchair that he loves with his favorite blanket, angled perfectly so he could see me, and Brian motioned for me to put his legs up in his lap, and he held the compresses to my ankle and checked the site every once in a while, but mostly they kept their end of the deal and at least pretended to watch the movie.

How’s it look? I asked Brian after a while.

Swollen. I don’t know if it’s normal. Still feeling okay?

“Yeah.” And I did, for about twenty more minutes, and then I just started to feel kind of…off. “Okay,” I said. “It’s kind of hard to swallow.”

Brian paused the movie, and Evan said, What did he say? I missed it.

Hard to swallow, I said.

How bad? Evan asked.

It’s not terrible, it just feels weird. I took a slow breath in. I could feel myself wheezing, but it didn’t feel much worse than usual. We have the epipen?

Right here, Evan said. Brian was being so quiet, just watching me, and I knew he was scared. He took my hand.

Okay, hang on to that, I said, and right when I said it I swear my whole fucking body went up in hives, all at once. I was looking at my arm and then all of a sudden the entire thing was covered, and I felt them crawl up my neck and onto my face. “Oh. Okay. So that’s a reaction.”

Oh, Sunshine, Brian said, small.

It’s okay. I took the Benadryl bottle off the table and had a few more swallows. “Damn it.”

Brian ran his thumb over my knuckles.

Can I just not be allergic to one fucking thing? I took a slow breath to keep myself from scratching my skin off.

Epipen? Brian asked.

Epipen’s for two systems, I said. This is all just skin.

You can’t swallow, he said.

That’s just swelling, it’s the same thing.

Brian turned my wrist over to take my pulse. Forgot to pack the fucking pulse ox.

Yeah. I can breathe okay so far. Can we put the movie back on?

No, not right now, Evan said. We need to watch you.

Yeah. I closed my eyes. Yeah, okay. I started to scratch and Brian immediately knocked my hand away.

We sat there for a few minutes, kind of squished together on the couch, the two of them sandwiching me in. Is the hospital close? Evan asked Brian.

Yeah, it’s pretty close. Brian still had his fingers on my wrist, tracking my pulse, and suddenly his eyes went wide and he tapped my knee a few times. Heart rate just dropped.

Yeah? I said, and then a few seconds later I got completely lightheaded and I felt my stomach drop. Oh. There it is. I felt Martha nudge her nose against my hand. i know, honey.

Brian and Evan both kind of scrambled for the epipen, and Evan grabbed it first and got it into my hand. I pulled the cap off with my teeth and pushed the needle into my thigh. It hurt a little, but it’s not terrible. Mostly I just put off using epipens because they’re expensive as shit–I know, Brian would kill me if he knew–and just because they’re such a fucking ordeal. You’re supposed to go to the hospital every time you use one and like ugh, spare me. And if an epipen doesn’t stop a reaction it’s like this huge fucking deal, so it’s always like…it’s good to have it there in my back pocket as an option, and once that option’s used up it’s like well, hope’s gone, off to the fucking worst place on earth!

It did help, though; I could tell right away. My breathing hadn’t been horrible, but it was easier now, and obviously my heart sped right back up. My skin still felt awful, but I could swallow.

Oh, it’s better, Evan said. It’s getting better. He’d never seen me use an epipen before, I realized. Hooray for relationship milestones.

I nodded. Do we have more?

Two more, Brian said. And if we get down to one, we go to the hospital.

Yeah. Okay. That’s fair. I sneezed a few times. Ugh.

Bless you. Do you want another one?

I shrugged. Have it ready, I guess. I’m fine right now.

I didn’t end up needing another one. I took some more Benadryl, but the reaction didn’t get really bad again, and soon I was just covered in hives and so, so, so goddamn tired. My actual ankle was hugely swollen now. No jellyfish for Justin, I guess. Probably good to know, though what was I gonna do about it? Not a whole lot I could do to prepare for this one. It’s not like I was never going to go in the ocean again. I guess next time I’d know to do the epipen right away.

Brian and Evan wouldn’t let me go up to bed where I wouldn’t be watched, which was fair enough and honestly fine by me. I could have fallen asleep standing up at that point, throbbing ankle and all. I curled up on the couch and let Evan cover me with a blanket and tried not to scratch, and I fell asleep in about a second with Martha tucked under my chin.

I was having a bit of a nightmare, something just vague and dark and unsettling, when Evan woke me up later. You okay? he asked me, pushing my hair back.

I nodded and nuzzled into my pillow.

How are you feeling?

Itchy, mostly, but I still felt kind of fuzzy and out-of-it, and my chest was hurting some. Kinda bad.

Time for dinner, okay? Can you come to the table?

Yeah, I can. I wrestled with the blanket for a bit and finally freed myself and dragged my feet into the kitchen, stumbling at first when I was unprepared for how fucking much my ankle was going to be throbbing. Evan scratched the back of my head as we walked. Brian turned away from the stove and took the front of my shirt to pull me into a hug.

Those hives look awful, he said once he’d let me go.

I think they’re on my eyelids?

Jesus. Sit down and get excited for your bland dinner.

I get a whole allergy diet after bad reactions, where we cut out anything I could possibly even think about reacting to. Which meant that instead of the salmon teriyaki we’d had planned for that evening, I got a nice plate of white rice, plain broccoli, and grilled chicken.

And they were having the same thing. You guys could have had actual food, I told them.

It’s food, Evan said. There’s protein. There are calories.

We might not be going to the hospital, but that doesn’t mean we can’t have hospital food, Brian said, and I laughed.

They asked me a few questions through dinner about how I was feeling, but mostly we talked about other stuff, the work they’d gotten done that day, a text Evan had gotten from Emily about daycare for Jane. We danced around talking about what we were going to do tomorrow; we’d had plans to do some shopping downtown during the day and then check out the bars once it got dark, but obviously that was kind of up in the air now. I tried to join in the conversation but mostly concentrated on staying awake. Swallowing was feeling a little weird again. Nothing dire, but it made eating take a little extra effort, and it was wearing me out, trying to time that out with my breathing and everything.

Brain cleared the plates after dinner and said, Should we finish that movie?

Yeah, might as well, I said, since it was about all I had the energy for anyway. Can you help me walk, my fucking ankle–

Yeah, come here, he said, and he wrapped an arm around my waist and helped me limp over to the couch. I curled up between them with the blanket around me and drifted in and out of sleep. I barely stirred when Brian carried me up to bed a few hours later.

I woke up in the middle of the night feeling dizzy and nauseated. Martha was peacefully asleep at the foot of the bed, so I knew it wasn’t a seizure and I probably wasn’t dying, but ugh. They’d put me down on the edge of the bed so I could have oxygen through the night, so I shook whoever was next to me without really caring which one it was, and laughed a little when his first reaction was to pull me in a headlock to stop me from bothering him. Brian.

“I need some Benadryl,” I told him.

Nightstand, Sunshine, he signed with his eyes closed.

“Yeah. Can you be with me for a minute?”

He nodded, eyes still closed, and hugged me close to him, then slowly sat up and rubbed his eyes. You scared?

“No, I just feel awful.”

Do you want another epipen? I left it next to you.

I shook my head and drank some Benadryl.

Let me hear you breathe, he said, and after I took a few breaths he nodded. Okay. He ran his fingers over my skin. I think the hives are going down. How’s your ankle?

It hurts. Feels hot. I shook my head a little. I hate this.

I know.

I hate fucking up all our plans and having to feel like shit for God knows how long because of some stupid little non-incident.

You just hate reactions, Brian corrected gently.

I…do really hate reactions.

You’re going to feel a lot better tomorrow, he said, and I must have stiffened a little bit when he said that, because he added, Hey, none of that. We’re still going to take it easy.

Yeah.

He sighed. Sunshine. He tucked my hair behind my ear. Okay. Can you do me a favor?

I nodded.

Just let us take of this, okay?

I nudged him. You’re the one who didn’t want to wake up.

Oh, you can’t trust sleeping Brian’s opinions. He kissed my cheek. Listen, I’m tired, you’re tired. Just don’t fight it tomorrow. This beach trip was originally for your birthday, remember?

We’re past my birthday at this point.

Trivialities. Let us take care of you.

It’s just scary right now, I said, hoping he wouldn’t make me explain. It was just… all that shit had gone down with Evan so recently, and I know, I know that wasn’t about me being too much to handle. But everything always comes back to that fear for me, that I’m going to push people away or ask for too much and they’re going to realize how much easier life would be without me. And on top of that, Brian and Evan were busy forming this new bond just the two of them, and that was amazing and fantastic and I didn’t want to get in the way of that by essentially waving my arms and going no, remember, this is the Justin Show, everyone re-center around me, please.

Fucking jellyfish.

Stop it, Brian said.

“Yeah, I know.”

I know you’re having a hard time with this right now, Brian said. So I need you to push through that, okay? Don’t give us a hard time tomorrow.

Can I just sleep?

You can absolutely just sleep.

Now?

He laughed and pressed a kiss into my hairline. Yeah, right now.

**

Brian woke me up at some point for meds, but I went right back to sleep after and, true to my word, slept through the rest of the morning. It was bright and sunny when I really woke up. I stretched, expecting the bed to be empty, and ran right into Brian, who was propped up next to me watching TV.

Uh, excuse me, he said.

“Sorry.” I rubbed my eyes. “What time is it?”

A little past noon. He looked me over. God, those hives. How are you feeling?

Not great. I sat up slowly. Are you babysitting me?

He shrugged. Your breathing’s not great.

It feels like normal. I looked around. Where’s my dog?

Evan took her to the dog park, since I was watching you.

“Oh, that’s good.” She loves dog parks, or at least that’s what I’ve heard, since I’ve never taken her myself. I’m allergic enough to the outdoors without throwing a horde of dogs in the mix.

Yeah, figured I’d give your sinuses a bit of a break, too. You shouldn’t have slept with her last night when you’re this allergic. You were sneezing a ton this morning.

Don’t remember. I need her.

You can need her on the floor, too. He turned the TV off. Think you could eat? I think Evan made you a sandwich before he left.

“Yeah, okay.”

Let’s see that ankle.

I pulled my leg out from under the covers and uh, wow.

Holy shit, Brian said. Fuck, that’s swollen.

“Ouch.”

Sunshine, Christ, your allergies. Okay.

“I’m sorry…”

That’s not what I mean and you know it. I’m a little worried. It’s so easy for him to say this shit nowadays, and God, even with the guilt I was feeling I floated on that a little bit. Does it hurt?

It’s just sore. And itchy.

Can you walk?

Yeah…

He rolled his eyes and got up and came around to my side of the bed. Come here, he said, and I climbed him like a tree. Bliss.

I kissed him softly. “Sex before we eat.”

Mmmm. His eyes closed, his forehead against mine. Yeah. Shower?

“No, here.”

Okay.

**

I felt pretty sick all day. It never got terrible or scary like right after I was stung, but I was just so sensitive that everything was setting me off and I was so, so exhausted. My usual headache was worse than usual, flirting with turning into a migraine, and Brian was right, my breathing was not fantastic. But hey, no seizures.

I tried to keep my promise to Brian and just let them take care of me. It was so hard to get out of the mindset that I was ruining something, even though I knew this wasn’t like an important vacation or anything, but honestly for most of the day I felt too shitty to really care about much else. And honestly? I was trying to shelve the whole ‘I’m a burden’ thing largely because I know it’s fucking annoying. How many times have I made them reassure me about that, and I keep coming back to it? It’s boring and irritating and a next-door-neighbor to fishing for compliments. Brian’s been telling me he likes taking care of me for ten years, and Evan jumped right in as soon as he showed up. Even if I couldn’t trust it, God, the least I could do was fucking act like I did and take ‘tiptoeing around me’ off their already long to-do list.

So for most of the day, I stayed on the couch and just watched them. Evan had grabbed some more supplies while he was out with Martha, and Brian carefully wrapped my ankle with gauze and hydrocortisone cream. They made me food. I took an oatmeal bath to try to get the hives down, and Evan sat with me through that and made me laugh with dirty jokes he found online. The headache started to really bother me after that. I curled up in Brian’s robe on the couch, and he came behind me and massaged my scalp for a while. I can’t take that kind of touch when I have a migraine, but for a regular headache? Blissful. “You are a very good man,” I said, and I felt him laugh behind me.

I fell the fuck asleep right there in his arms, and when I woke up I was tucked neatly into bed, Martha snoring beside me. It’s eerie how he can just carry me without waking me up. I petted Martha for a little while and then hauled myself out of bed. I tested my weight on my ankle–still throbbing, but not awful–and limped to the stairs and down to the kitchen. Evan and Brian were making dinner and talking about me and how I was doing, and I just felt kind of bad about that, I don’t know. Like they’d been working on their ability to talk about things that weren’t me, and now here I was having another stupid crisis and making them regress. Normally I love the kind of attention I get from them, and…well, I still kind of loved it, but now I felt bad about loving it and it was this whole thing.

Evan looked up and saw me and God, the way his face lit up. He nudged Brian and smiled at me. How are you feeling? Your skin looks so much better.

I’m okay. Just tired, mostly. I stretched. Do I get real food for dinner?

You do not! Brian said.

I laughed a little. Okay.

You need anything? Brian asked.

No, I don’t think so. I’m going to take Martha out and then sit out on the beach for a little while, if that’s okay?

He gave me a weird look. Yeah, it’s okay. Stay away from jellyfish.

You’re hilarious, I said.

I took a blanket outside and sat down on the sand and looked out at the ocean for a while, just trying to…I don’t know, shake off whatever it was I was feeling. A few minutes later Evan appeared beside me, settling down on the blanket and stretching his legs out. “Hi,” I said.

“Hi.” He put his arm around my shoulders and gave me a quick squeeze. You okay?

I sighed. I don’t know. I’m having emotions.

That’s too bad. Lay it on me.

I’m just irritated with myself and going through the guilt spiral that you guys have to do all this shit for me–

You know we really didn’t do much, right? You pretty much just slept.

And that’s the other thing, I know that when I get in this place it means you have to reassure me and tell me it’s okay and that that’s fucking tedious for you because you tell me over and over again that it’s fine and I never seem to fucking internalize it. So instead of just having to deal with me being sick, you also have to deal with, oh good, let’s go through stroking Justin’s precious little feelings again. I’m so sick of myself. I just need to find a switch somewhere in my brain that will turn these thoughts off, because it’s been fucking years and years and it’s clear you guys aren’t about to leave me because you’re overwhelmed by a jellyfish sting, and yet…part of me still fucking needs to hear that you’re not going to leave me over a jellyfish sting. God. And now I think you’re going to leave me just because I’m this fucking annoying.

If it helps, this is far from the most annoying thing about you, Evan said, and I snorted and shoved him and we kind of play-wrestled for a little while, which helps. We ended up lying down facing each other on the banket, Martha flopped down on her back between us.

I think I just feel stagnant, I said. It’s almost easier when it’s some major crisis and I’m really sick or something because…I mean, it sucks, but at least I can tell myself okay, I’m going to grow from this, I’m learning something. What the fuck did I learn here except, I don’t know, pack an epipen if I’m going in the ocean?

Okay, but aren’t you all against making sickness metaphorical and symbolic? Every moment isn’t supposed to mean something. It’s just real life.

It just feels like a waste of time.

He shrugged. What’s being wasted? We wanted to come to the beach house and have a nice time. We still are. Everything’s still moving forward, everything’s okay. You know how Brian always takes pictures of you when you’re in the hospital?

Yeah.

Because that’s not some pause in the middle of real life. You’re not holding us up. This is just life. Our life.

I groaned. You and Brian just went through this whole big thing and had this whole emotional fucking growth moment and come out all transformed and amazing and now I’m like, hey hey hey look at me! I’ve got the same old shit!

Right, but you realize…the whole talk that Brian and I had. You know that was you, right?

I shook my head. I had a fever of like a hundred and twelve, I had nothing to do with it. I went to sleep and when I woke up Brian said ‘hey let’s get Evan on the deed for the house’ and everything had been fixed without me. Not that I’m complaining, but yeah.

Evan laughed. It was so not without you. Where do you think Brian learned to talk about his feelings, Oprah? That never could have happened without you. And me feeling safe enough to say all that stuff in the first place? That was you, babe. I’ve never had a place where I could do that before. That was you..

I kissed him, softly.

You do plenty around here, he said. Even with your ankle bandaged up. Okay? We see it. I wish you could.

The princess in the tower.

Yeah. Everyone’s always coming back to you.

I moved over on the blanket so we were a little more tangled up, and we stayed like that for a while, watching the waves while the sun went down and Brian finished up dinner inside.

It was a beautiful day.