A Matter of Timing

LaVieEnRose

I've known Brian for practically as long as I can remember, but I think this was the first time I'd ever successfully surprised him. Okay, he was probably surprised that time I spilled an entire jug of juice all over him right before Jenny Rebecca's simchat bat, but that was unintentional. And sort of a different situation. Kind of. It still involved me, Justin, Brian, and a child.

“Um.” Brian said.

“Hi!”

“What the fuck are you...”

“Are you going to invite us in?”

He was so flustered that he actually took a step back! Ha! I rammed my way in and he said, “Um, Justin didn't tell me—”

“Justin didn't know! Is he here? Tell him to put some clothes on.”

“No, he's at his friend's...you just showed up here with—”

“A girl can't visit her most favortist brother-in-law?”

He rubbed his forehead. “It's customary to call first.”

“A girl can't surprise her most favortist brother-in-law?”

“Molly.”

“Yyyyes?”

He pointed to Luke. “Did you kidnap this child?”

“Kidnap. Such a harsh word, don't you think?”

Luke looked nervously between the two of us. “Can I use your bathroom?” he said.

Brian said, “Yeah, right there...”

“Thank you.”

Brian watched him go. “Polite kid.”

“Yeah, he’s great! And we’ve been working on his signing.”

“We?”

“Me and him. When his parents aren’t around.”

“Yeah, so speaking of—“

“God, you are so boring. Yes, they know I have him. They’re in North Carolina visiting Tanya's parents. They left him with me.”

“And they know that you brought him across state lines?”

“Gaaaaawd, where’s your sense of adventure! Remember when you were young and fun?”

He glared at me.

“Well, I remember. You brought me to the carnival that time.”

“I was trying to lose you on the midway and convince Jen to try one last time to have a kid who’s not a goddamn disaster.”

“You love us really.”

He shook his head slowly. “I am not telling your brother. You do it.”

“Awww, are you scared?”

His glare could just have just about melted ice by that point.

“Tell him I said hi!” I said. I wandered into the living room and took in the furniture and the view out to the balcony. “Wow, this is a great apartment.”

“Yeah, thanks, it's...ours...” He was so flustered, it was fucking hilarious. He said, “Speaking of, uh, so where are you staying?”

I gave him a look.

He shook his head, chuckling. “Oh, no no no.” He clapped his hands together, all fake enthusiasm. “How about the Plaza? Kids love the Plaza.”

I faked shock. “Brian, now come on! I could never spend your money like that! No, we’ll just stay here.”

“A suite.” He was begging at this point. “Room service. Pay-per-view porn once the kid falls asleep. Mini crabcakes, bottles of champagne.”

“God, if I didn’t know better, I’d think you didn’t want me here.”

He flopped down on the couch, face in the cushions, and groaned theatrically. “I'm in a fucking time loop. Nine years later and a seventeen-year-old Taylor is forcing their way into my apartment.”

“You missed me, really. Your life is so boring without me.”

He took out his phone and we waited for Justin to pick up. “Want to go to the carnival?” Brian asked me, and I laughed.

I heard the phone connect on Justin’s end, music, laughter. “Hey!” Justin said out loud.

Hello, dear. Sorry to interrupt. You’re gonna want to come home.

Luke yelled, “Wow, you can see the ocean from here!”

Brian looked at me. “They don't teach you about rivers in the second grade?”

“Guess not.”

“Three Taylors under one roof,” Brian muttered as he put his phone away. “I need a fucking drink.”

**

Justin got back about twenty minutes later, after Brian had finished a couple of drinks and Luke had curled up on the couch with his gameboy. Justin came in and I ran over and tackle-hugged him.

Brian lurked and said, “Uh, hi, skin grafts, skin grafts...”

I pulled back. “Sorry.” I missed the entire saga of the skin grafts because I was a CIT at my old camp this summer and my mother, in her infinite, let's-all-just-pretend-everything's-okay-all-the-time wisdom, decided not to bother calling me. This was the first time I'd even seen Justin since it happened, and it was like over a month ago. He still looked kind of pale and tired, actually. He got really sick while he was getting better from that, and I guess that sort of thing takes a while to fully recover from.

Justin said, How the hell did you...where's Mom?

Conference in D.C. And we took Amtrak. It's easy!

He came over and put his hand on Luke's head. “Hi, sweetheart.”

He said, Hi, Justin, and Justin ruffled his hair.

How did you get his parents to agree to this? Justin asked me.

“Um. Well.”

You stole a kid?

Brian laughed. You sound like Michael.

I didn't steal him! I said. He was left in my care.

You can't just take someone's kid out of state!

I told her that, Brian said. He was all calm now, I guess because he knew Justin would handle the yelling. He sat next to Luke on the couch and watched him play his game over his shoulder.

Nobody told me that when they left me him with me, I said. They didn't say, oh by the way, don't leave Pittsburgh.

Oh, God, they're going to call the police, Justin said.

Brian snorted. You are such a drama queen.

We're all going to prison, Justin said.

I said, I'm a minor, I'm not going to prison.

She's got a point, Brian said.

Brian, shut the fuck up. Justin turned to me. You're going home.

Dad and Tanya won't be back for another two days. You haven't seen me since my birthday, you haven't seen Luke in what, four months? I'd manage to borrow Luke for the afternoon and bring him to a park near my mom's house, which was our general strategy for getting him and Justin an hour or two together when Justin was home. I don't think he's even talked to a Deaf person since then. I'm just trying to be a good sister.

“There!” Brian said, pointing to a corner of the screen.

Luke said, “I see it!”

“Use the sword.”

“Uh-uh.”

“The sword!”

Justin stared at Brian for a second and then turned back to me. We're not used to sweet little kids here. We're used to Brian's son, who is a demon.

Hey, Brian said.

Justin said, Brian, I love him, but he is a fucking nightmare.

He's not as bad as her.

I'm not a kid, I said. I'm seventeen.

Brian cracked up, and Justin threw a pillow at him.

What? I said.

This is great, Brian said.

He thinks I'm finally getting what I deserve, Justin said.

This was my life, Brian said. For a YEAR. A year, I did this shit. 'I'm not a kid!'

It was six months at most. Justin pointed at me. You can stay for one night. One night, and if one of his parents call, you are to answer immediately and feed them a very convincing story about all the fun you two are having in Pittsburgh. And I'm not telling a six-year-old to lie to his parents, so that's your job too.

I'm seven, Luke said.

Justin looked at him.

I smiled. Told you I was working on his signing.

**

Justin took Luke to the kitchen to make dinner, and I wandered out at the balcony to look down at the water on one edge and a view of uptown on the other. God, New York was so fucking cool. I couldn't believe Justin lived here. I needed to find some older dude to shack up with too.

Brian came out a minute later and lit a cigarette.

“Gimme one,” I said.

“Yeah, no way.”

“Come on!”

“There is no chance in hell. Your mom would eat me alive.”

“My brother smokes.”

“Your brother's an idiot.”

“Well, that's true.”

“So what the hell, you're the designated babysitter for your dad now? I thought you weren't even talking to him.”

“Yeah, I wasn't, until I found out Luke was Deaf.” I shook my head. “It's such bullshit, I can't even believe it. Like, he had a kid, I knew he'd had a kid, I met him when he was a baby, but then my mom finally decided I got to fucking find out what happened with Justin when he was my age and then I just...you know, I didn't want to see him anymore.”

“Sure.”

“And then you run into him at, you know, whatever the fuck that was, and Mom told me about it and I prioritized. Deaf kid beats asshole father.” I started showing up at my dad's house all sugar and sweetness, and he was way too overwhelmed by WASPishness to ask me why the fuck I'd come back after dodging his calls for five years, and for the past ten months I'd been teaching Luke ASL and also just getting him out of that fucking freakshow of a house a couple of hours a week. “I don't know what he's going to do once I leave for college,” I said. “You'll have to come back to Pittsburgh and pick up the slack.”

“Yeah, seems likely.”

“So then I had him this weekend, and Mom was gone, so I figured what better time to abscond.”

“So he's seven,” Brian said. “Means I have ten years until another Taylor makes a trip to New York on my dime.”

“I'm not on your dime.”

“Who paid for that soda you're drinking?”

“Justin has a job! Make him pay for shit.”

The balcony door opened behind us and Justin said, “Brian?”

Brian turned around.

“Can you come chop tomatoes?”

Brian stomped out his cigarette. Yeah.

“His voice sounds different,” I said, once Justin had left.

“Does it?” Brian said vaguely.

“He can't chop his own tomatoes?”

He flicked me on the way inside. “Mind your business.”

**

Justin and Luke were really sweet together. Justin's good with kids; I've seen him with Brian's son a bunch of times and he's always been really patient and natural with him, even though he was a total dick to me when I was little, but whatever. And Luke totally loved him, even though he was still confused about how he fit into the whole Deaf/hearing thing, since he had a cochlear, so he can hear, but not perfectly—he's not great at talking on the phone, and he does okay one on one but gets lost if a lot of people are talking, and I know they make fun of him at at school—and my dad and Tanya were constantly telling him he's not Deaf. But he had this natural affinity for sign language, and I know part of that was just that he was young and it's easier for kids to learn languages, but it also totally felt like something in his brain latched onto this specifically, like it knew this was what he was supposed to be doing.

What are you doing in school? Justin asked him, once we were sitting around the table with tacos. Brian had his laptop out on the table next to his plate; Justin had told me earlier that I was lucky he was in the middle of some major campaign, because otherwise there's no way he would have been home when I showed up.

Math, Luke said. Division, he fingerspelled, not exactly right, but close enough.

Are people being nicer at school? Last year he got made fun of a lot.

Not really, Luke said.

They'll get over it, he said. People aren't mean to me anymore. He stopped and rubbed his hand.

Use your voice, moron, Brian said, barely looking up from his laptop.

“He needs to practice,” Justin said.

He can still sign if you talk. Look, I'm doing it right now.

You're a marvel, Justin signed, left-handed.

I know.

Justin got up and got an ice pack from the freezer and held it to the inside of his right arm. “What do you want to do while you're here?” he asked Luke. “You can plan our whole day tomorrow.”

Can we go to Central Park? Luke signed, badly, but not unintelligibly. Molly said there's a zoo.

Justin smiled, but he looked tired. “That sounds great.”

Brian closed his laptop and stood up. I'll find a movie.

“You're not going out?” Justin said.

Not anymore.

No, let's go out! I said. Leave Justin here with Luke. I want to see the nightlife.

Brian totally ignored me, which I was expecting anyway, and went over to Justin. I turned around in my chair to watch them.

Go lie down, Brian said, kissing his forehead.

You worry too much, Justin signed, small.

Not in this case. You want to be able to do shit tomorrow? Go lie down.

Fine, Justin said, heading to the living room. But I'm picking the movie. He's too young for James Dean.

No such thing.

Luke said, “Molly, I'm all done.”

“Okay, maybe Brian will help you find some cookies.”

He looked up hopefully. “Brian?”

Brian was barely paying attention, watching Justin over the bar. “Yeah, kiddo, check the pantry.”

Luke got up and dug around, and I caught Brian's eye. “His hand?” I said softly.

Brian shrugged. “He's nervous about it ever since...” He glanced at Luke, still buried in the pantry. Does he know?

What happened to Justin? No.

Why not? It's his brother.

He's just a kid.

You sound like your mother, Brian said, and he went out to the living room.

“I thought you liked my mother,” I called after him.

“I do,” he said. “You don't.”

**

Justin put on Guys and Dolls and babbled at Brian about Marlon Brando and Frank Sinatra until he stopped complaining, and Brian put a blanket on the floor and shoved me and Luke onto it, as if he and Justin needed the whole couch, but then pretty quickly into the movie Justin lay down with his head in Brian's lap, so maybe Brian was just anticipating that. I heard them signing to each other at one point so I ever-so-slightly adjusted myself so I could see them out of the corner of my eye.

Emily would have understood if you hadn't gone, Brian was saying.

It was her birthday. She's already pissed that you weren't there.

God, these friends of yours. Fine, I'll call her.

I didn't think it would wear me out this much. I feel like I'm back in the fucking hospital.

I know.

I can't believe I still can't handle a few hours at a party.

Brian rubbed one hand in circles on his back. You'll be good as new before you know it. It was super weird seeing him like this. Every time I'd seen Brian be concerned for Justin before it was buried under like ten tons of irony.

Justin yawned. We'll see.

You're going to be up for this zoo thing tomorrow?

Yeah.

I'll do it if you can't.

Justin wriggled around, settling himself on Brian's leg. Okay.

Stop moving around with your head that close to my cock.

I turned around then because, you know, gross.

**

Justin looked a lot better in the morning. He made waffles with strawberries and Luke and I devoured them while Brian eyed us all from behind his coffee cup.

Someday a Taylor is going to get fat, he said. They have to.

Luke said, Molly, you know what? They have a doorbell with lights on it!

And an alarm, Justin said.

Brian said, Show him the clock.

Oh, yeah, come see, Justin said, and he took Luke to his room to show him his vibrating alarm clock.

“Shakes the whole mattress,” Brian said.

“Kinky.”

He rolled his eyes, then said, “Listen, go easy on him today, okay? Tell him you're tired and want to sit down every once in a while.”

“Okay.”

He stole a bite of Justin's waffle.

“Why don't you come with us?” I said.

He shook his head. “Work.”

“It's Sunday.”

“Gotta keep Justin in pretty things.”

Justin came back in with Luke. Stop speaking English in my home.

Sorry, sorry. Brian pulled Justin into a kiss, but Justin was distracted by his plate.

Christ, how much of my waffle did you eat, I was gone for a second—

Luke said, Justin, are there monkeys? Can we see the monkeys?

Justin gave Brian a quick kiss. Duty calls.

Have fun. Stay away from boiling water.

**

Luke was a riot at the zoo, running from exhibit to exhibit, reading every single display. It was weird signing in public in them, because whenever Luke and I sign in public or I practice with my friends in Pittsburgh people are always staring, but here no one even glanced at us. New York is wild.

Justin said, It's weird, I always thought I looked like Mom, but he looks so much like me.

You don't look like Mom. I look like Mom.

Well, yeah, you're like a clone of Mom.

Just my luck.

He rolled his eyes. You are such a teenager.

No, you just idolize her because she's not dad.

You were just a kid. You don't understand what it was like back then, he said.

No, I don't. That's my point.

What is?

She doesn't tell me anything! She didn't even tell me Dad kicked you out until I was fucking twelve years old.

Justin trailed his fingers over the display in front of the lion's cage. He didn't kick me out exactly. He made rules I wasn't willing to follow.

Sticking up for mom isn't enough, now you're doing it for dad? After what he's doing to Luke?

Justin sighed. He's trying to give him a good life. He's small-minded and stubborn, but he's trying to look out for Luke.

He's trying to make him be something he's not.

Yeah, that's what straight people do. And hearing people. He shook his head. This stuff isn't black and white. Maybe there's no way for you to get it.

Because I'm hearing.

And straight.

That's such bullshit.

It's not bullshit, he insisted. All people who are inside the mainstream like that...they have someone close to them who's not living their kind of life, and they want them to do it, either because it's the only way they can imagine them being happy, or because they just don't want to look at shit that doesn't fit their...mindset.

What the fuck, who is this 'they?' I'm standing right the fuck here, I'm straight, I'm hearing, and I'm crashing on your couch and teaching your fucking little brother sign language, so don't give the whole 'oh, the normals will never understand me' bullshit. You don't want to be generalized, don't generalize.

Stereotyping majorities and minorities is so not the same thing.

Why not?

Because ours is backlash. We didn't start it.

I didn't do shit!

This is not about you, Molly.

He was starting to breathe kind of hard at that point, so I nodded to a bench and said, Can we sit for a minute?

Yeah, okay. We sat down while Luke leaned over the railing and growled at the lions.

People can learn, Justin said. Have their minds opened. Like Mom did.

I sighed.

You learn not to write people off, he said. When have to give everyone fifty chances before they finally learn how to deal with you...you learn not to write people off. You have to.

That's really depressing.

He shrugged.

She didn't even call the camp, I said. She didn't want to bother me, she said. I found out when she fucking picked me up.

I know.

You know they told me what happened at your prom was an accident.

He sighed. No, I didn't know that.

So...?

I don't know, Molly, what do you want me to say? You want me to say I get sick of applauding able-bodied straight people for being mostly good? Who does that help, saying that? He shook his head. I try not to dwell on it. If I start thinking about whose growth people want to hear about I'll lose my fucking mind. He watched Luke and said, Brian adores him, it's funny.

Does he have a brother?

Justin shook his head. Older sister.

I cannot picture Brian as the younger kid.

Sure you can. He's a brat. It all adds up. He made a face at me.

Are they close?

He laughed a little. No.

What about his parents?

Not good people.

I latched onto that, I guess. So is that it, then? Your parents have to be not so bad because his were worse?

Mom sacrificed everything for me. Do you not get that? And Dad...didn't want me to go to clubs when I was underage and hit me once.

He hit you?

Once.

You don't even see it, I said. You're so busy not wanting to be a sad story that you don't even see how fucked up people have been to you.

I don't need people to be perfect, he said. That's the difference between you and me.

Well, why not! I said, because...fucking fix me, God, just fix me at this point. Why can you walk around fucking fine with everyone being a disappointment and I can't?

He shrugged. Because I'm older? Because I have Brian? Because I don't have to listen to their bullshit all the time? I don't know.

Well, I'm sick of this, I said. I'm sick of everyone fucking keeping things from me. It's a fucked up thing our family does. I paused. And you should have called me when you were in the hospital.

I'm sorry, he said.

Luke ran over and said, Can we go to the reptile house?

Yeah, Justin said, but right then my phone started ringing. Mom. Shit.

You guys go ahead, I said. I'll catch up with you. Justin nodded and took Luke's hand, and I answered my phone. “Hi.”

“Hi, sweetie! How's your weekend with Luke? You know, I realized I forgot to tell you to water the plant on the front stoop. It's got to be getting thirsty with the weather we've been having.”

“Uh, yeah, I can do it.”

“Can you check the soil now, see how it's doing?”

“I'm, uh, not home right now, actually.”

“Oh? Where are you? You have Luke, right?”

“I have Luke. We're, um...we're with Justin.”

She paused. “Justin's in Pittsburgh?”

“No.”

“Molly.”

“Relax, okay? We're going home tonight. Justin and Brian already chewed me out.”

“Who would have thought they'd be my responsible children. For God's sake, Molly—”

“He loves Justin,” I said. “He never gets to see him.”

“Your father doesn't want Luke seeing Justin.”

“Yeah, and that's fucked up.”

“I agree with you, it's fucked up,” Mom said. “But it's not up to us.”

“That's bullshit. Something fucked up is going on and we can do something about it, how can you say it's not up to us?”

“Molly...”

“This is where he comes from,” I said. “He's his brother. This is his culture. So what, he's going to figure out that his dad's an asshole earlier than Dad wants him to? He deserves to know where he comes from. Just like...just like I deserved to know what happened to Justin.”

She was quiet for a while.

“I know,” she said eventually.

**

Justin was worn out as hell by the time we got back to the apartment. I had to give him a shove to get him into the elevator. Brian was at the bar working on his laptop and barely glanced up when we came in. Go lie down, he said. Justin kissed his cheek on the way to the bedroom and Brian smiled a little. Did you have fun? he asked Luke.

Molly let me take pictures on her phone, look.

Brian gave me a long-suffering look but moved to the couch to look through Luke's pictures with him. You know, he said to him after a while. You are really great at sign language.

Really? Luke said.

Really. It took me ages to get as good as you.

Me too, I said.

Luke beamed.

Brian came over to the fridge and got out two bottles of water. “What time's your train?” he asked me.

“Two hours from now.”

“Better head out soon.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“I gotta check Justin. How'd he do?”

“He's just tired, I think.”

“Hand didn't act up?”

“No.”

Brian went to the bedroom, and I sat on the couch and turned on cartoons for Luke and watched Brian pull Justin up. Come here, you lazy shit. Get your shoes off the duvet, Christ.

Hey.

Arms up, Brian said, and he slowly pulled Justin's shirt off him.

“I can do it.”

Brian laughed a little. I know you can do it.

It was my first time seeing the scars on Justin's chest, and God, they were bad back then. They've faded a lot now, but seeing them for that first time...fuck, it scared the shit out of me.

He could have fucking died, and I would have been playing capture the goddamn flag.

I'm not going to do this shit anymore.

**

How come Justin was so tired? Luke asked me on the train on the way home, after we'd hugged them goodbye, taken a few pictures, and Brian had slipped fifty dollars into my pocket, for some reason.

Well. Time to put my money where my mouth was.

Come here, I said. I'll tell you everything.