If They Can Do It

Justin and I were in the kitchen of his apartment making a midnight pizza between rounds of Smash Brothers when Brian came in. Justin waved with sauce on his fingers, and Brian gave me a quick kiss and told me he liked my shirt and then turned to Justin with something like curiosity and circled him with his eyes narrowed. Justin licked his fingers and watched him, an eyebrow up.

Fuck, Brian signed after a few laps, almost to himself.

Justin laughed. What?

What? Fuck. He grabbed Justin and kissed the back of his neck. God, you're fucking gorgeous.

Justin looked at his messy hands and ratty sweats. He raised an eyebrow at me and I said Don't ask me, I don't see it.

Fuck, Brian said again. Goddamn it. How do you look like this?

You are so drunk.

It's not my fault you're always walking around looking hot when I'm drunk.

Justin rolled his eyes. Sit down, I'll get you some water.

Brian hopped up on the counter next to the pizza. Derek, you don't think he's hot? What's wrong with you?

He's very cute, I said. Do you need me to leave so you can have your way with him?

No, I can fuck him whenever. Did you know that about relationships? I feel like no one ever told me that or I would have been a lot less hesitant about this shit.

Sex with strangers, Justin said, handing him a bottle of water. You were hesitant because you like sex with strangers.

But I still have sex with strangers.

I know, you're very lucky.

Goddamn, I've got a good thing going. Fuck, come here, why are you not...come here. He pulled Justin in by his shirt and kissed him roughly. Do you always smell this good?

Drink your water.

Brian took a slug from the water bottle, then reached into his pocket for his phone. Hang on, someone wants me to be hearing. He held his phone to his ear and I saw him say “Hey, Daphne.” Oof.

Justin stuck the pizza in the oven. Who's he talking to? he said. He can't read lips for shit. I'm not as good as it as Emily is, but I can recognize some stuff.

Daphne.

Brian got up and walked around the living room while he talked, kicking off his shoes between steps.

She was texting me at work today, Justin said. I guess she didn't like the answer I gave her so she's going for a second opinion.

What did you tell her?

To break up with her fucking shitty boyfriend already.

So, uh. That was interesting. I said, I know they've been fighting a lot.

Yeah, because he's a dick and she deserves ten billion times better.

No arguments here.

Brian came back to the kitchen a couple minutes later.

Please tell me you told her to break up with him, Justin said.

I've been telling her that for four months. Brian got back up on the counter. I think she might actually listen this time. She said she talked to you earlier? Why are people asking us for relationship advice?

Justin shrugged.

These morons. You're the most stable relationship we know, I said.

Brian said, Jesus, that's depressing. That just makes me feel bad for everyone involved.

You've been together for ten years, I said. You're not fooling anyone.

I think we're both still just regularly surprised we haven't killed each other yet, Justin said, kissing Brian's cheek. Brian leaned into him, eyes closed.

I tried to be casual. So what's going on with Daphne?

He's making her feel guilty about how much she works, Justin said.

I'd never actually met Daphne's boyfriend, because he didn't sign, but it seemed like every story I heard about him was negative: Rafi and Daphne are fighting again, Rafi and Daphne were supposed to go away with this weekend but now they're not, Rafi's frustrated with Daphne's schedule. A lot of that last one. And like, yeah, she was busy! She was an ER intern, for God's sake. She was working really hard and she's fucking brilliant. Of course she was busy. What kind of jerk wouldn't be patient with that?

She deserves so much better. Justin said.

Brian rubbed his mouth and glanced at me, and I looked at the floor.

Justin waved his hand until we paid attention to him. What is this, what's going on here?

You haven't told him? I asked Brian.

No, he said. I'm really just an incredible friend.

Told me what? Justin said.

I waved to Brian. Go ahead.

Oh thank God finally. Derek's in love with Daphne!

Justin gaped at me. What?

I never said 'in love with' I said.

Love, Brian fingerspelled. Love. He loves her.

Didn't you say you were a good friend? I said. Do I get to see that at some point?

Brian grinned and popped his tongue into his cheek.

Does Daphne know? Justin said.

I said, No, and she's not going to.

What!

I counted out reasons on my left hand. She's three years older than me.

Brian said, Oh no, three years?

Fuck, Justin said. Call the whole thing off.

She's a doctor. I said. She's a fucking genius, whereas I'm taking four years to get a master's degree in philosophy.

Christ, I didn't know it was in philosophy, Brian said. That is dismal.

Fuck you. And I'm Deaf and she's hearing, and the odds of that working out are like—

Twelve percent, they said in unison.

And she technically still has a boyfriend, I finished.

Not for long, Justin said. Not now that I know this.

This is why you can't tell him anything, Brian said. Dog with a bone.

I said, What am I even supposed to do?

I'd try not being a dick about her schedule, Brian said. That seems to be all it takes. Also, please her sexually. Do you know how to pleasure a woman, Derek?

Do you?

I don't know, should I find out?

No, Justin said.

Hey, you've slept with Daphne! Brian said. You can give him tips.

I said, You slept with Daphne?

Once, years ago.

Justin deflowered her, Brian said. It was very romantic.

Justin said, I'm so embarrassed about everything I did as a teenager. Especially you.

Brian grinned.

Anyway. I'm not going to be a dick about her schedule, I said. But...

Brian threw up his hands. It begins.

I threw an oven mitt at him. The fact remains that she's really fucking busy, I said. How am I supposed to get time with her? She's always at the hospital.

Brian said, Yeah, that's a tough one. Man. Who do you know who spends a lot of time at the hospital?

Justin stuck his arms up like ta da.

I'm not going to use Justin, Derek said.

Brian said, No, definitely use him.

It helps with my guilt, Justin agreed. I'm not a burden! I'm a tool!

I said, So what, I just wait around for Justin to have some kind of medical emergency?

It doesn't take long, Brian said. He gets bored if he goes more than a few weeks without trying to die.

It's true, Justin said.

We can do one right now, Brian said. Justin, boil some water.

Justin smacked him, and Brian laughed and tackled him into his arms.

See, I want this, I said.

They both immediately shook their heads. Oh God, no, Brian said. Definitely not.

Run in the other direction from this, Justin said.

There's hope for you yet, young one, Brian said. Save yourself.

You just don't want competition, I said.

Brian grinned and gave Justin a rough kiss on the cheek. That's not possible.

Seriously, you shouldn't wish for this kind of ridiculous codependent shit, Justin said. We're fucked at this point, but you still have a shot. Have a nice, healthy relationship. For nice, healthy people.

Oh look I'm asleep, Brian said.

Justin said, Shh, we have to soothe the normals.

Oh, yeah, Brian said. Illness is sad! Independent competence is good!

We love normal people, Justin said. We're very jealous.

Oh yes, Brian said. We're miserable. He nipped at Justin's neck. Don't we look miserable? Christ, your hands are beautiful. He brushed Justin's hair back. How are you?

You are so drunk, Justin said.

I said, All right, you two, enough.

They beamed at me.

I rolled my eyes. So how long until we crash the hospital?

Give me a little while, Justin said. I'm sure I'll come up with something.

**

It took four days. Brian texted me and I came over, and he presented Justin to me like a trophy. Justin looked okay, except he had hives from his wrists up to his shoulders. Jesus, what happened to you? I asked.

No idea! Justin said.

Brian clapped his hands on Justin's shoulders. But you know, someone like Justin, this could be really serious. Now, we could just give him Benadryl here and keep an eye on it, but why take chances when New York has so many great medical facilities?

How does anyone puts up with you two? I said.

No one really does, Justin said thoughtfully.

Brian said, Now, of course, I would absolutely take him myself, but unfortunately I'm just swamped with work here, I couldn't possibly get away right now. And by the time I'm done with all the...you know, all the piles of work and everything, he'd probably be dead.

Justin nodded seriously.

And I can't send him off to sit in the ER by himself. How heartless would that be? I know you wouldn't ever let that happen either.

I said, We all know what's going on here why are we doing this whole fucking show...

It's Brian, Justin said.

Brian kissed my cheek. Have fun with my boyfriend, darling. Have him back by dinner. More seriously, he said, Watch his drug allergies.

Okay.

He lifted Justin's chin and kissed him. Bye. Feel better.

Love you.

Not in front of the children!

Sorry, sorry.

**

Justin scratched a lot on the train but seemed pretty okay, and he said he wasn't having any trouble breathing or anything like that. We got to the ER, and we had all this paperwork to fill out because it wasn't Justin's usual hospital, and after a few lines his hand started to shake. I held my hand out for the pen and he gave it to me, stretching his fingers against his knee.

I don't see Daphne yet, Justin said.

Maybe she's not here today.

She's supposed to be. He pointed to the emergency contact line. Put husband, not partner. They take that more seriously.

I always forget you two are married.

Yeah, so do we.

Insurance?

He took out his wallet. Yes, the reason I'm married.

I rolled my eyes. Please, you'd be married anyway.

No, I don't think so. I don't think we ever would have gotten married if there weren't some reason for it.

Loving each other isn't a reason?

What, we love each other more if we're married? He shrugged. I don't know. Maybe it's a gay thing. But it's just weird that this thing we couldn't do for a million years is supposed to be some sort of measurement of love or commitment or whatever.

Are all gay guys like you two?

He laughed. Nobody's like us two.

I just wish I could have seen you in the white dress, that's all, I said.

Brian wore the white dress.

Drug allergies?

He tossed a list at me.

God, how are you alive?

A continued mystery.

All right, medical history. Begin the saga.

Justin paused. I'll do it, give it to me.

Your hand's all right?

Yeah, it's good. I'll do it.

All right. His business was his business.

Eventually we were escorted down a hall by a nurse who wanted to take Justin's temperature and blood pressure and stuff like that before they put him on a bed. Everything she was doing was pretty obvious and didn't really require talking, but Justin is a devious fucker and was all, We're Deaf, does anyone here know sign language? and scratched really pitifully at his wrists.

Daphne was there a minute later. God, she looked good in her scrubs. She'd look good in a paper bag, but you know.

I was hoping it was you, she said. Otherwise I'm going to embarrass myself trying to sign.

Don't be ridiculous, I said. Daphne's signing wasn't perfect, sure, but it was good and she was getting better all the time. I never had any problem understanding her. I don't think hearing people really get how accustomed we are to dealing with really, really crappy signing. Plus Daphne and Justin have been friends since they were little kids, so if they're anything like me and Emily, they could have whole conversations just with side-eyes and lip twitches.

Daphne crouched down in front of Justin and put a clip on his finger and rolled some fancy thermometer thing over his face. This is nurse work, you know.

Yeah, but you love me.

What the fuck happened, anyway?

I don't know. Must have eaten something.

She looked down his throat. You don't look too bad. You really came to the ER for a few hives?

He sighed. You know Brian. So paranoid.

Not too paranoid to stick you with this joker, she said, giving my ankle a little kick.

He's an enigma, that Brian, I said.

Daphne finished taking his blood pressure. Well, my expert opinion is that you'll live. Let's get you in a bed, and I'll give you some Benadryl and a prednisone shot and we'll watch you for a few hours.

My hero, he said.

Think you can take directions to a bed from a nurse? People are dying.

Yeah, yeah, go.

On her way back to the ER, she made quick eye contact with me, then looked at the floor with a little smile.

Oh my God, she loves you, Justin said.

Shut up.

I won't, he said, scratching. She's nervous around you! She teased you. I know her. She loves you. And now we're going to be here for a few hours, hmmm, what can you do fifteen times in a few hours...

Fifteen times?

A nurse came in then to lead us to a little cubicle, and Justin said, Remind me to tell you about the time Brian tried Viagra.

Daphne came back and talked to the nurse some, then gave Justin a shot and hooked him up to some IV fluids. Yell if you need me, she said to Justin.

He curled up on the bed. I'm good.

She didn't even look at me that time, I said to Justin.

She's busy. He nodded to where she'd gone over to stand by the desk and fill out some charts. I bet she'd like if you brought her some coffee. Lots of sugar.

I think I'm supposed to stay with you.

I'm going to call Brian and tell him I'm alive. He'll probably cry because he's so grateful. He'll confess his love. He'll sign me some sonnets. You don't really want to see that.

You really do live in a completely different world, I said.

He grinned at me. It's nice here.

I found the coffee machine, which took a really long time during which I kept hoping Daphne wasn't looking over to see me wandering around like an idiot, and eventually I slid up to her and cleared my throat and handed her a cup of coffee. She smiled—God, the smile on that girl, it could warm a New York winter.

Shouldn't you be with Justin? she said.

Eh. I don't really like him that much.

I'm surprised you came here, she said. Doesn't Justin usually go uptown?

Sure, but since Brian couldn't come...we wanted to make sure we knew there'd be someone who signed.

She grinned. You came here for me.

We came here for you.

Brian must really trust you.

Brian doesn't make decisions for him.

Still, he'll run someone down if Justin's hurt and they're in his way. Trust me.

Do you need any help with that?

She raised an eyebrow. With patient charts? I think there's about a million laws against that.

Oh. Right. Derek, you fucking idiot. Well, I'll stop distracting you then.

I started to leave, and she caught me by the arm. Her hand was warm, even through my sleeve. She had these perfect fingernails. God, I was so toast.

I was actually about to take a lunch break, she said. If you can tear yourself away from Justin a little longer? She glanced down at the floor, then back up at me.

I swallowed. Yeah, I think he'll survive.

We stopped at Justin's bed and told him we were going—he waved us off, still on the phone with Brian, and told us to leave him the fuck alone already, beaming at me the second Daphne looked anyway—and she made sure a nurse knew to page her if anything went wrong with him, and then she led me down to the cafeteria. We got sandwiches and frozen yogurt and sat at a table by the window.

I get the same thing every day, she said. You'd think I get sick of it but, I don't know.

I'm like that too, I said. I find something I like and I just have it over and over.

She sipped her soda. I broke up with my boyfriend last night, she said after a minute.

Oh, I said, my heart speeding up. I'm sorry.

She shrugged. It was never going to be what either of us wanted it to be.

What's that? I asked.

I want someone who's not going to expect me to explain myself all the time, she said. He was always asking me why, why, why. Why do you worked up about this issue, why does it matter to you what other people think, why are you getting involved in something when you barely have enough time as it is...

He wants you to care less, I said.

She nodded. He wants me to care less.

Lucky for him, he won't have trouble finding someone new. Most people aren't paying enough goddamn attention to care.

Thank you, she said. People think oh, look, we've got a Black president, everything's over, what are you complaining about now—

Haven't you heard that racism's over now?

Rafi had, Daphne says. Rafi had definitely heard that.

I shook my head. You can't date white people. They're undateable.

You think hearing people are undateable, she said, barely looking at me.

I don't know. I used to think that.

Not anymore? she said, and oh God, I hadn't really believed Justin before, but she was something about the way she asked that, the way she watched me, and I knew. You don't ask something that casually unless you're distinctly non-casual about it. Trust me, I'm Deaf; we read expressions.

She liked me, she liked me, she liked me.

I tried to be casual too. You've seen Brian and Justin.

She laughed. True. If those two drama queens can make it work—

Exactly. Should be easy as hell for rational people.

Rational people, huh?

Hey, I'm a philosopher, I said, smiling over my sandwich. My whole life is rational.

She checked her watch. I need to get back.

Okay. I'll clean this up.

She bit her nails while she watched me.

We were alone in the elevator on the way back to the ER. Some kind of Grey's Anatomy bullshit, and I knew she was thinking it too because she laughed and put her hands over her face, and I started laughing too.

Fuck it, I said, and I hit the emergency stop button, and her mouth was immediately on mine.

**

Well? Justin said. Well well well?

I kissed his cheek. You look better.

Fuck me, I'm fine! Tell me what happened! You were gone for ages!

I pulled his chair up by the bed and sat down, and he watched my face and smiled slowly.

Oh, yes. Fuck yes, he said.

Don't go buying wedding invitations yet. I don't know what it all means.

I'm amazing, he said. I should rent my shitty body out to lovelorn idiots everywhere.

The curtain opened at the end of the cubicle and Brian sauntered in, as casual as could be.

Speaking of lovelorn idiots, Justin said.

Brian raised an eyebrow. I'll ignore that because you're sick. He climbed up on to the bed.

What the hell are you doing here? Justin said.

He arranged Justin onto his chest. You know all that very important work I had to do?

Yeah.

I finished it. He kissed the top of Justin's head.

You worry too much.

I have baggage about abandoning you in hospitals. He looked over his head at me. So, how's our mission going?

Uh, pretty fucking well.

Look at that! We helped the heteros. There's our good deed for the year, Sunshine.

Justin snuggled into him. Shh, I'm sleeping.

Daphne walked by, then, and saw Brian had arrived, and looked at me and rolled her eyes a little, a smile on her pink lips.

If they can do it, I mouthed to her.

Anyone can, she finished.