Fear

LaVieEnRose

I dropped a stack of files on Brian’s desk that weighed more than I do. I found them, I said.

He stared at me. You found…what, every file in the building? What the fuck is this?

It’s all the research we have on the effect of color schemes on consumer perception. Why the fuck isn’t this digitized? Why does this exist?

Same reason as always: because Marcus was a piece of shit. Jesus. Grab a chair.

I pulled a chair up to his desk and sat down. You know, when I agreed to be your assistant, I was thinking there would be more galas involved.

He gave me a look and handed me a file.

We seriously have to do this tonight? I said. It’s past eight.

Presentation’s tomorrow.

Don’t you miss your family? They love you very much, you know.

My family is at some emo-rock concert with April having the time of their little lives.

I could be at a concert right now?

And instead you’re here with me. He shot me a sappy smile. Isn’t it funny how life works out? It’s truly a magical journey.

I better get so much overtime for this.

That is not how salaried jobs work, my dear.

Hmmph. You better buy me some shoes.

I will buy you some shoes.

So we started going through these hideously boring files and taking hideously boring notes, stopping every once in a while to share anything that seemed remotely useful for this presentation tomorrow. It was for this company that was making…you know what? You don’t care. Why would you. It was an advertising thing. I don’t even care.

Brian crossed his feet up on the desk. He looked pretty content, considering we were in an empty office doing the most boring work of my life. And also considering that Justin’s mom was barely out of the hospital and Justin himself had been sick the past week. I was surprised to hear he was out at a concert, actually. Guess he was feeling better.

I was actually about to ask about him to try to keep myself from falling asleep on Brian’s desk when Brian looked up from his file and over my shoulder. Hey, what are you doing here? he said. His eyes narrowed. What’s wrong?

I turned around. Justin was in the doorway with Martha at his feet, breathing hard. He started to sign something but then winced and brought his hand to his chest.

Brian put the file down and got over there immediately, and I followed, obviously, and cleared my crap off the couch so there was room for him. Brian sat him down and handed him his inhaler. What the fuck is going on? Brian said. I thought you were in Brooklyn.

I was.

So you’re here in the middle of your concert when you can’t breathe…why?

Justin tried to breathe and started coughing instead. He grabbed for me kind of frantically, and I took his hand and sat down next to him.

Easy, I said. Let it happen. It’s gonna stop. There you go, nice slow breath.

Brian said, Sunshine, what the fuck is going on? God, listen to you.

He closed his eyes briefly. I’m okay. He swallowed. You have to go.

Uh, where?

He licked his lips and said, Evan was arrested.

Evan was what?

Holy shit, what? I said.

Justin dug a card out of his pocket and handed it to Brian. They said he’s here.

Justin, what the fuck happened?

This guy tried to mug us and he… Justin rubbed his chest and shook his head. Evan fucking lost it. He beat the shit out of him.

I said, No, Evan wouldn’t–

Yeah, I know, Justin said. But he did.

He… Brian rubbed his forehead. Mother of fuck. Where is April?

They took her to make a statement. I think they just didn’t bother with me when they realized I couldn’t hear them, so I came here.

Brian rolled his eyes. You know, when you can’t breathe, calling’s always a nice alternative to taking the subway across boroughs.

This didn’t seem like something I should tell you over the phone.

I tend to make exceptions when it comes to keeping you alive. He stood up and got his jacket. Is Evan okay? Is he hurt?

No, he’s okay. April too.

And you’re fucking dying on my couch. Okay.

Brian left to go bail Evan out with instructions for me to get Justin in a cab and take him home. So much for our presentation, I guess, not that I was complaining. The office is only a short cab ride away from their house, but by the time we got there he was already doing a little better. Still, I made him set up the nebulizer and get in bed, and I made it an admirable ten minutes sitting there with my fingers laced watching him wheeze before I started hounding him for information.

I just don’t get it, I said. I’ve never seen Evan kill a bug, I said.

It was…not normal. He shook his head. It was like he was possessed or something.

So it’s not like he just stopped the guy from mugging you guys, he like…

Kept hitting him.

Since when does Evan know how to fight? Did he actually–

He beat the shit out of him. Justin said plainly, and then he took a shaky breath in and I realized, ohhhh. He was freaking out. I hadn’t noticed at first because I’d contributed the gasping and complete lack of color in his face to the asthma attack, but…yeah, this one was pretty obvious. Justin doesn’t even like to see someone get punched in a movie. His own boyfriend going action hero right in front of him? Yikes.

I clapped my hands on Justin’s knees. So I’m thinking it’s time to dip into your medicine cabinet. For more than just lung stuff.

Probably. Uh…benzos, something.

Okay. I’ll go look. You okay by yourself?

I have no fucking idea. Yeah.

In shock a little.

Yeah, maybe.

I went into the bathroom and propped my phone up on the sink while I called Brian. He didn’t pick up, but he called me back a minute later, when I was still rooting through the medicine cabinet. He was in some white room that looked a lot like a hospital waiting room. I’d pictured police stations a lot grungier.

What’s going on? I said.

Just waiting for paperwork and shit. I don’t know how long it will take.

Have you seen Evan?

He nodded.

How is he?

Not hurt. Won’t talk to me. I have no idea what’s going on.

Are they like, pressing charges?

He put a guy with no weapon in the hospital. Yeah, he’s going to need a good lawyer. He worked his jaw for a minute, then said, Justin okay?

I think his breathing’s better, but he’s pretty panicky. I’m going to drug him.

Fuck, of course he is. Yeah. I’ll be home as soon as I can. You’re all right to stay?

Yeah, it’s fine. Want me to cancel some meetings tomorrow?

God. Yeah. Fuck. Of all fucking days for Evan to lose his goddamn mind. This still makes no sense.

It’s Evan. I’m sure he had a good reason to…

To practically fucking kill someone? Yeah. I definitely hope he had a good reason. I’ll talk to you soon.

I brought Justin a few bottles that looked promising and let him decide what to take, then cuddled with him in bed to watch movies until he calmed down. But he didn’t, really. He wasn’t actively freaking out, but I could feel how fast his heartbeat stayed from where I had my head resting on his chest, and he was having a hard time staying still even with me on top of him. Finally the drugs hit him hard enough that he fell asleep, and I crept out into the living room, figuring Brian and Evan and April would be back soon.

Turned out they weren’t, and I was nodding off myself when the front door finally opened and the three of them came inside. Evan gave me a small wave. He looked untouched.

There’s coffee on, I said, sitting up.

Thanks, Brian said. How’s Justin?

Sleeping. I checked on him a little while ago.

I’m going to let him know we’re back, he said, and he headed into the bedroom without a glance in Evan’s direction. April and I exchanged looks, then we followed Evan into the kitchen.

So what happens now? I asked Evan.

I don’t know. I guess I get a court date. I have no idea how these things work. He seemed…bored, almost, but I could tell it was a cover. He was freaked out too. He leaned against the counter and put his arms around himself.

Brian came out, then, so I asked him. What happens now, he pays a fine?

Now we find a lawyer who can spin this as self-defense and get it thrown out, Brian said. He looked at Evan, hard, until Evan gave up and made eye contact, then said, Do you have a record?

I don’t know. I’ve been arrested before.

You don’t know if you’ve ever been convicted of anything?

I was a junkie, Brian. My memories of the time aren’t particularly clear.

Is that what’s going on now, are you using?

Christ. No.

At least that would be a fucking explanation.

April’s eyes were darting between the two of them, but I could tell she was totally lost. I’d have to recap for her later. I was about to ask them to slow down for her–yeah, yeah, Emily being nice to a hearing person, miracles do happen–when Martha came running out of the bedroom and over to Evan, jumping on his leg and licking his hand. Justin followed slowly behind, and he stayed on the other side of the kitchen, holding himself up on the wall.

Evan crouched down and rubbed Martha’s head. Hey, baby girl. I’m okay. He straightened up and tried to get Justin’s attention, but Justin shook his head and looked away from him. Evan took a step towards him, and Justin stepped back, his hands up. Justin.

Not now, Justin said.

Evan took a beat and looked away and took a slow breath in. Yeah. I’m going to…yeah, he said, and he kissed Martha’s head and headed down the stairs to the basement.

Brian pinched between his eyes, then went over to Justin and pulled him into a hug. It’s okay, he said to him. God, you still cannot breathe.

Are you okay? April asked him.

He nodded. Just PTSD stuff.

How’s your stomach? she said.

Justin didn’t say anything, and Brian narrowed his eyes and looked at him. What’s she talking about?

It’s not important, Justin said.

Brian let go of him, and Justin stumbled. What the fuck is going on?

Justin still didn’t say anything, so we looked at April.

She said, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to…maybe I’m confused. My signing is so bad.

No, Brian said. I don’t think you’re confused. He took a slow, steadying breath. Tell me what happened, please.

Okay, April said, and she started explaining. Her signing, like she said, wasn’t great, but I’m pretty good at bad signers, and between what she could sign and what she could gesture and reading her lips–she still sim-coms a lot–I could visualize what she was saying pretty well. We were inside for the concert and Justin was wheezing a lot. It was really crowded and hot in there, so Evan said we should go outside and get some air. I guess I noticed there was this guy watching us, but I thought…you know. People stare at signing. She shrugged.

Keep going, Brian said. He’d gone back over to Justin, who still looked like he was about a second’s notice away from running the fuck out of here, and was absentmindedly massaging his bad hand while he watched April.

We got outside and Justin was leaning against the wall. He had his inhaler, he wasn’t breathing well. I went to this pretzel stand halfway down the block to get him some water. Evan took Martha to the curb, but he was facing Justin, he was watching him. I was in line, I was looking too. And I saw that guy from inside come out and he came close to Justin, and I was pissed because he had a cigarette and Justin already couldn’t breathe. Evan was about to go over and say something, but I think the guy didn’t see us and thought Justin was alone.

Brain was absolutely still.

Justin didn’t notice him because he was…

Justin was busy trying to breathe, Brian said tightly.

Yeah. and then…the guy punched him in his stomach and took his wallet.

Brian tilted his head up at the ceiling.

It happened really fast, April said. I ran over, obviously, but Evan was right there. And then he…he hit him and got him on the ground and he just kept hitting him.

Okay. Brian swallowed and took a deep breath. Okay.

We all stood there, waiting for the other shoe to drop. It didn’t take long.

Brian pushed Justin down into a chair and said, What the fuck. What the fuck, Justin?

I’m fine, Justin said.

You’re fine. You get punched in the stomach during a fucking asthma attack, you show up at my office about to keel over, you still can’t catch your breath, you’re fucking fine?

I said I’m–

Why didn’t you tell me?

I’m sorry… April said to Justin, but he mouthed, “It’s okay.”

I didn’t think it was important, Justin said to Brian.

Brian clenched his hands into fists.

Not because I don’t…think I’m important, Justin said. Okay? But it doesn’t excuse what Evan did.

I don’t fucking care what Evan did right now! He pulled up a chair across from Justin. Jesus, Sunshine.

April and I had both been gradually getting the fuck out of there, and this was our final cue. Brian needed us to get out of there so he’d have permission to stop yelling and just feel whatever the fuck he needed to feel about Justin getting targeted, again. April dipped off into the guest room, where I figured she’d be staying for the night. And I went down to the basement.

I flashed the lights at the top of the stairs and then came down. Evan was cross-legged on his bed, his hands clasped in his lap, his head down. I sat down in front of him and ran my hand up and down his arm, waiting for him to look up at me. When he finally did, it was just for a second, and his eyes were shining.

I really fucked up, he said.

I leaned towards him and kissed his forehead, and he started crying.

I fucked up really bad, he said. I’m going to go to jail. I fucked up everything.

You are not going to go to jail. You know Brian would never let that happen.

Brian is so mad at me!

That doesn’t matter. He loves you.

Justin can’t even look at me.

He’s been scared before. He’ll be okay.

I’m not supposed to scare him! He thrust his hands in his hair and then said, I just…I saw that guy hit him and I just…I lost it. I don’t even remember doing it.

Where did you learn…to do that?

He shrugged. I lived on the street. It’s not my first time fighting someone. But I…that’s not who I am anymore. I don’t want to be that person. That person’s a fucking junkie, I can’t…I cannot be that person.

It’s so fucking easy to forget everything that Evan lived through before we met him. You have to understand, he’s just so fucking sweet. It’s hard to imagine the stuff from his past actually happened to him.

I never really thought about how much of that was intentional. Evan not wanting to be that person. Evan not wanting us to know that person.

I keep thinking about that guy coming towards him and I still feel like I’m being electrocuted or something, Evan said. I just…I have never been that angry in my life. I wanted to kill him. I really did. Everyone keeps telling me the guy’s going to be okay and I know that’s good news and everything but it doesn’t feel like good news. He hurt Justin. I want him dead. He shook his head slowly. I can’t believe I’m thinking these things and it’s all I can think.

Okay, this does not make you a bad person, I said. That’s not what’s going on here.

No, I’m pretty sure it is.

You have based a very large part of your identity on keeping Justin safe, I said. It is not crazy that when that’s threatened right in front of you, your response isn’t completely rational.

There’s a big gap between ‘not rational’ and ‘wishing death on another human being.’ Christ, and it’s not even that I wished it, I fucking…I could have killed him, Emily.

But you didn’t. It’s going to be okay.

That’s all it took. I lost my fucking mind, now I’m going to lose my fucking life here and God knows what else. What the fuck? How do I fucking…that’s all it takes? I turn into a fucking monster? He started crying harder. Brian’s going to kick me out.

Brian would never. And if he tries, I’ll just tell him I’ll quit, and you know he’s useless without me.

He was still crying, but he laughed a little bit.

Besides, if anyone understands going crazy over Justin, it’s Brian, right?

He doesn’t really seem like he understands.

Well, he didn’t have the whole story. April just filled him in up there. Her signing’s getting good.

He nodded and wiped his eyes.

Why didn’t you tell him what happened?

He pulled at his blanket. I don’t know. I just didn’t want to think about it, I guess. I still don’t. He wiped his eyes. Are you staying over?

Yeah. Gwen says it’s okay.

Can you stay down here with me?

Yeah, of course.

I went to pee and get my makeup off in his bathroom, and he got some sweats out for me to change into. Evan’s got a foot on me, so I was a little clumsy wearing his clothes and then curling up behind him to be the big spoon once we were in his bed, but I made it work. I rested my head against his shoulder while he cried a little and just…I don’t know, tried to reconcile everything I knew about him into one person. And I tried to imagine what it would be like to be Brian or Evan. Because obviously I love Justin, but I’m not in the thick of it every day. I get to go home and take a deep breath and recharge. What’s waiting for them at home besides more stress, more worry, and more of Justin being a goddamn angel to remind you that he doesn’t deserve any of the shit that happens to him?

I don’t really get how you don’t go crazy, is what I’m saying.

And then, finally, I figured out that the person missing in this story of the thing that happened to Justin was Justin. So until I fell asleep, I wondered about him.

**

We slept late, or at least I did. When I stretched and opened my eyes, Evan was sitting in his little kitchenette with a cup of tea, playing on his phone. I waved at him.

Hey, he said. His eyes were red. Sleep okay?

Sure. I yawned and sat up. How is everyone?

He shrugged and said, small, I haven’t been upstairs.

Well, no time like the present. Come on.

He hesitated.

We’re not hiding out down here all day. Don’t you want to see how Justin is?

Of course.

So come on, then. I went over to the table and clapped my hands on his shoulders, then helped him out of the chair. I’ve got you, okay?

Love you.

Yeah yeah yeah. Come on, Muhammad Ali.

There was no sign of Justin when we got upstairs, though, just Brian at the kitchen table with his laptop. He glanced up at us when we came up the stairs, then back at his screen. There’s coffee, he said.

I went over to pour some for us, and Evan said, How’s Justin?

Brian shrugged. Asleep.

Nightmares, I’m guessing?

Brian snorted. Be grateful you couldn’t hear the screaming.

Evan scuffed his feet on the floor and then said, Brian, I’m sorry.

Brian closed the laptop and turned to him. I don’t know what to say. I thought you had more self-control than this. I didn’t think you were the kind of person who could do this in the first place.

I’m not, Evan said.

Yeah, that’s what’s not adding up.

I said, Jesus Christ, cut him some slack.

Brain said, He doesn’t need you to defend him.

Okay, I’m gonna do it anyway. What would you have done in his shoes?

I have been in his shoes! Brian said, standing up. I was in that fucking parking garage with the guy, holding the weapon he’d just used to bash Justin’s head in, you think I don’t know what it feels like? Yeah, I broke his fucking kneecap, but I didn’t kill him.

I didn’t kill anyone either, Evan said. And it’s not the same.

Yeah, it’s not the same, I saw Justin’s fucking brain matter sprayed out on the concrete, you saw him take one punch–

It’s not the same because Justin is not the same! Evan said. He ran his hand through his hair. Look, I am not discounting what you had to see, and the fucking shock of that must have been…goddamn unreal, but that’s the thing, it was a shock. It was Justin healthy and fine in front of you one second and not the next, but that’s not what happened here. He was starting to cry again. He’s sick, and I worry about him every fucking second. I am so scared all the time.

Sweetheart, I know, but–

No! This guy, he went after Justin because he couldn’t breathe and probably because he was Deaf. He targeted him specifically for all the fucking reasons that I want to keep him safe, that’s what someone saw and that’s why they hurt him, and I didn’t stop it in time. And he could have really hurt him, you heard him after! And yeah, it was one punch, but that’s all it takes now. I was so scared. I am always so fucking scared.

I didn’t… Brian sighed. You’ve always handled all of this so well.

Evan’s chin shook. Aren’t you scared?

Yeah. Of course I am. Brian sat back down. Okay. Lay it on me.

Um, I’m just… He wiped his eyes. I’m scared every time I’m out with him that someone’s going to hurt him, that they’re going to do something to trigger a seizure or mess up his breathing. Even when I’m alone I’m always noticing stuff, stairs or uneven surfaces or flashing lights. Sometimes he’s asleep and he doesn’t answer his phone and I get really scared. Or if his allergies are bad, I start worrying it’s because of something I ate or brought home on my clothes and I’m making it worse. And I’m scared he’s going to fall in the shower. And I don’t like when he eats out at restaurants because we don’t know what’s in the food. And I’m just. I’m worried he’s not happy. He cries a lot and he says he’s okay and his therapist is supposed to be making that better so why is he still crying? And I can’t hear what his breathing sounds like so what if it’s bad and I miss it? And what if the oxygen stops working in the middle of the night and we’re asleep? Or his meds could start doing that thing with his bone marrow again, it happened before. Or um. He could be hurting. Like right now, his back and his head hurt a lot of the time, so what if it’s bad right now.

Jesus.

Brian looked away from him and nodded a little. Okay. Yeah. Okay.

Evan put his arms around himself.

Okay, Brian said. So here’s the thing. All of that is…it’s overwhelming. And I know that.

Yeah.

But what we have to remember, what he always need to keep in mind, is that he knows every single bad thing that could happen just as much as we do. He is seeing every possibility, and he’s the one who has to actually feel those things. So every single thing that scares you scares him ten times more. I promise you that. I try to keep things from him, I try to manage stuff so he doesn’t have to worry about it, and it never, not once, works. He is hypervigilant, and he is very aware of the situation he’s in, and he is very scared. He paused. And see the thing is, now he’s scared of you too.

Evan nodded.

And I don’t know how to fix that except time. But I know that he can’t live with someone violent. It’s not fair to him.

Please don’t kick me out.

I am not kicking you out. But I’m asking you if this is too much for you.

Evan shook his head hard.

All right. Well…then we need to figure out how to deal with this.

Evan wiped his cheeks off. Okay. He gestured a little. Justin’s here.

So he was; Brian’s much-too-tall body was in my way, but when he turned around I saw Justin standing in the living room, looking young and kind of sick in his sweats. Brain gave himself a quick shake and then held his arm out, and Justin came and tucked himself underneath, watching Evan.

Brian got his attention. Where are we, med-wise? Need a refill?

Maybe half a pill? Justin said, and Brian nodded and kissed the top of his head and came over to the cabinet above my head to root around. Justin tilted his head and looked at Evan with a sigh. Hey.

How are you? Evan said. How’s your breathing?

I’m okay, he said gently. Are you okay?

Evan shook his head and started crying again, and I was about to go to him–I can only take so fucking much–but Justin got there first. He stood up on his toes and put his arms around him, and Evan buried his face in Justin’s hair. Brian turned around, pill in hand, and leaned against the counter, watching. I looked up at him, and he rested his hand on top of my head.

Evan pulled away just enough to sign. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to. I won’t do it again. Please don’t be mad.

Justin kissed him. I’m not mad.

You’re scared of me.

Yeah, well, I’m brain-damaged. I’ll get over it. He lowered himself back to flat feet.

I was just so…

I know, Justin said. But we’re not going to have me turn you into someone you don’t want to be. Okay? That’s not how it’s going to go.

I couldn’t keep you safe.

And that is not the last time that’s going to happen, Justin said. Ask Brian.

Unfortunately accurate, Brian said.

I think. Um. Evan wrung his hands a little. I think maybe I should talk to someone.

Brian threw up his hands. Jesus Christ! I try for years to get this kid into therapy, Justin gets it with one conversation?

Justin laughed a little and hugged Evan. I think that’s a really good idea.

Well, obviously it’s a good fucking idea, Brian said. I was going to ease him into it, fuck… He rolled his eyes and came over and put his arm around Evan’s shoulders to pull him into his chest, then tugged Justin in against his other shoulder. Justin held his hand out to me, and I let him pull me in-between them all, and I just breathed in the feeling of them all safe and here and together. Evan squeezed around my waist.

Brian let us go and kissed our forehead and said he was going to make breakfast, and Justin sat down with me at the table and asked me questions about Jane. And Evan just stood in the kitchen, watching everyone, until Brian got his attention and said, Relax now, sonny boy.

Yeah?

Yeah. It’s gonna be okay now. It’s gonna be okay for a long time.