Forever Hold Your Peace

LaVieEnRose

I remember when Brian and Justin showed me the new house for the first time. I looked at all the space and the new floors and the tall ceilings and I thought, I’m gonna live in a fucking mansion.

Well, fuck that! Because—and I say this with nothing but love for our house—actual mansions? Wow. Whole new ballgame.

Me and Brian and the rest of the groomsmen had been sequestered with Derek in this one wing of the mansion for the past half-dozen hours, getting dressed up and photographed and rearranged and photographed some more. Derek was off somewhere now, getting pictures taken with his parents, I think, which was probably an adventure given what I knew about Marie and her ex. The rest of us were lounging around what I guess was someone’s bedroom, back when people lived here. Derek’s high school—college? I couldn’t remember—friends had brought a video game system and were playing together on the floor, while Brian sat in this huge green armchair, messing with his phone.

I drifted over to the window and looked out at the grounds, then got Brian’s attention and said, People are arriving. I could have said it out loud, obviously, and let him keep doing whatever he was doing, but all of Derek’s friends were Deaf and I didn’t want to speak in front of them, even if they weren’t in the conversation. It’s just rude.

Oh yeah? Brian said, not even bothering to feign interest. I didn’t know what was up with him. He’d been kind of pissy since we got here, getting more tense as the day went on. He was great when Derek was here, doing the supportive best man thing, smiling in the pictures and planting his hands on Derek’s shoulders and calming him down when he almost had a panic attack over his cumber…something not fitting correctly. But now that Derek was out of the room he was just kind of sullen and weird.

I looked down at the people starting to file in and take seats. I recognized a few—April, Emily’s family, some doctor friends of Daphne’s I’d met once or twice—but not very many. I had fun for a bit watching people and trying to guess if they were Deaf or hearing before I caught them talking to anyone, and then I turned from the window and went over to Brian. He didn’t really look up, but he made room for me to sit on the arm of the chair, so I did. I reached a hand around and massaged the back of his neck, and I felt him relax a little.

I just realized I’ve never been to a wedding before, I said.

He set his phone down. I actually haven’t been to many either.

Yeah?

Michael and Ben’s, Ted and Blake’s. A few work people.

And yours.

I was indeed at mine.

I looked around. Bet it wasn’t quite like this.

He snorted. No, not exactly. Though to be fair I’m not sure there’s anyone on earth who could out-fancy the combined forces of Marie and the Chanders.

I looked at one of the many fancy plates of food on the table close to us. Hungry?

He shrugged.

Chocolate covered pineapple, I say. Look. You love pineapple, we never have it because it in the house because of Justin, now’s your chance!

He sighed and picked his phone back up, and I sighed, imitating him, and slid off the arm of the chair and onto his lap. He put an arm around my waist and squeezed me.

It’ll probably start soon, right? I said.

Probably. We’ve been holed up here for a fucking year.

Is that what you’re so cranky about? You’re bored?

He glared at me. I am bored. But I’m not cranky.

You are not at your most pleasant, dear. When he didn’t argue, I nudged him. What’s wrong?

Nothing… he said. I waited, and he groaned. I just don’t get why it has to be set up like this.

Set up like what?

You know…Derek’s people over here, Daphne’s over in the other wing. Totally separate.

And I totally busted up laughing.

What? he said.

You miss Justin?

Get off me.

Oh my God. You’ve been a miserable bastard all day because you weren’t allowed to see Justin for a few hours?

Okay, well, first of all it’s been like seven hours. And also–

God. I kissed his cheek. I love you so much.

I thought I told you to get off me.

I was still laughing to myself when I went into the en suite bathroom—do you even call this a bathroom? It was like two rooms: one for the sinks, then a smaller one with a toilet. What even is that. I was washing my hands when all of a sudden I got hit with this awful wave of nausea. It happens sometimes, but this was a particularly bad one. My stomach hurt, and I was lightheaded, and I felt like I couldn’t breathe quite right. I planted my hands on the sink and closed my eyes, swallowing.

I felt the air move as the door opened, and then heard my name—which, let me just say, I still wasn’t used to. I’d gotten these new aids a few months ago, and I could hear better now than I had since…ever, since before I got meningitis as a kid. Obviously there’s no magic bullet, and there was no way I would have heard my name here if Brian hadn’t said it loud but even the idea that I could hear and recognize my name, with my eyes closed? Crazy.

I felt his hand on my shoulder. He turned on the sink, and a moment later held a cold washcloth to my forehead. I breathed out and turned into his arms, and he held me, resting his lips against my temple.

Eventually I nodded, and he pulled back and looked at me. Better? he said.

“I think so. Still dizzy.”

You’re going to the doctor this week.

“It’s just the meds.”

Great, then it will be a quick appointment. Brian’s a little paranoid that every time I feel weird, it’s because my body’s rejecting my kidney transplant. And I got why he was scared–rejection would be a whole fucking ordeal–but I needed to not be worried about it all the time. Imagining worst-case scenarios is comforting in some weird way to Justin, like nothing can sneak up on him if he’s considered it already, but…yeah. Not how I operate. I’ll take some blissful ignorance, thanks.

I squeezed his arm. I’m okay.

He was about to say something, but then I guess someone knocked on the door, because he turned around and opened it. Derek was there, looking about how I felt. Brian laughed a little and patted him on the back. You all right there?

My parents are…a lot. And there’s some kind of issue with the seating chart–

No, Brian said. Why the fuck are they bothering you about the seating chart?

I don’t know, I’m supposed to–

You’re supposed to relax and enjoy the day, he said. Go sit down, eat some fancy fruit. I’ll find out what’s going on.

Derek laughed a little as Brian strode out of the bathroom. I picked a good best man.

He’s channeling all of his Justin energy.

He does love a project.

Brian came back into the suite about ten minutes later and assured us everything was handled, and we all hung out and egged on the guys playing video games for a while and Brian went back to sulking and then the photographer came in and told us it was time for our formals and then for Derek and Daphne to do their first look photos, and then we’d take pictures with the whole wedding party. Amazingly, Brian perked up at that! What a coincidence!

We all stood up to get ready, and Brian looked down at his chest while Derek put a flower on him. Is that a peony? he said.

Fuck if I know, Derek said. Daphne picked it.

I think it’s a peony. one of the other guys said, and when we looked at him he shrugged. I like flowers.

Are Daphne’s people getting these too? Brian said. For example, Justin?

Derek said, Yeah, I think so.

Brian looked at me, trying not to laugh. Oh, that’s not going to end well.

A moment of silence for the pictures, I said, and Brian grinned and ducked his head.

We went outside and took some pictures together, then Derek left to meet Daphne. Brian was doing a horrible job of looking casual, glancing up the path every so often, and eventually he looked down, smiling a little, and yep, sure enough, here came Daphne’s bridal party. Molly and Emily looked beautiful in their purple dresses. Martha even had a purple bow.

Brian pretended to adjust his cuffs or something, I don’t know, and waited for Justin to come over to us. I kissed Justin and laughed a little. Your eyes are already swelling.

Yeah, I’m gonna die.

Brian looked up, then, and pulled Justin under his arm. Doing okay?

Yeah, you?

I’m good now.

Daphne and Derek came back then, and all of us who hadn’t seen her yet just about lost our shit at Daphne in her dress. It had a corset back and lace sleeves and she looked like she was poured into it and…wow. And then we all had to make fun of Brian for tearing up, so that delayed the pictures a little more, but finally we all squished together for some more formals that Justin, as predicted, kept sneezing and ruining. Brian laughed and pulled him under his arm.

I’m sorry, Justin said. I’m so allergic to flowers.

I told you to take it off, Daphne said.

I want to match!

The photographer said he’d gotten what he needed, and we had a few minutes before the ceremony started. Brian said, I’m going to find something clinical-strength for Jane Fairfax over here, and left to search for antihistamines, and I nagged Justin until he agreed to sit down and drink some water, at the very least, then hugged Daphne and tried not to cry and helped Emily with a shoe problem.

I look like a cupcake, Emily said to me.

I’m not sure this purple is anyone’s color, I said diplomatically. Not even Justin’s, and I’d thought he could pull off anything. But he still looked beautiful. So did she.

Brian came back and tipped pills down Justin’s throat and straightened my tie and then it was time to get in position. We peeked around the corner at the people filed into their seats. There was a string quartet playing and I could hear them, a little bit, and then the coordinator told us it was time to start walking out.

Derek went first, and then we walked out in pairs–Brian and Justin, then me and Emily. once we were all in position, Gwen came down the aisle with Jane in her little white dress and I just about lost it right there, and then the music changed and Daphne floated out with her dad, and Derek started crying like he hadn’t just seen her a second ago and Brian rolled his eyes and gave him a quick squeeze.

The ceremony was beautiful. The officiant spoke English with an interpreter next to him, but Daphne and Derek did all their stuff in sign language, except when Derek said, “I do,” out loud and Daphne had to stop and wipe her eyes.

I kept an eye on Justin through the ceremony, and so did Brian, obviously, but he did okay, though his eyes were starting to swell up and he was leaning against Molly a little more as the ceremony got towards the end. I think I was focusing on him in part because I felt awkward getting emotional standing next to Derek’s friends who I didn’t really know, but I had Brian on my other side and at one point he just reached down and laced our fingers together and squeezed my hand and…well. I got a little weepy after that.

They kissed, and we cheered and waved our hands in the air, and then we were off to cocktail hour. Brian nudged Justin to go sit down and we got drinks and mingled and threatened to push Derek in the pool and generally had a lovely time until it was time to sit down, and then we had dinner and then Justin gave a speech about Daphne that was so beautiful it made me cry, and Brian gave one about Derek that was so fucking funny it made me cry even more, so Jesus, I was really setting records tonight.

Alcohol helped, though, as did the dance floor opening, and Molly and Brian and I stayed there just about all night. Justin joined us for a few songs, but he was exhausted and mostly hung out on some lounge furniture with Emily, but he looked happy. The bass beat dropped off at one point while we were on the dance floor, and Brian said, slow song, to me, and I smiled and put my arms around his neck, and he put his around my waist and held me close.

He was looking at me, and finally I laughed and said, What?

He shrugged and licked his lips and then said, “Do you want to get married?”

“What, to you?” I joked.

He didn’t look away, didn’t stop smiling. “To anyone.”

“I used to.”

He nodded a little.

“What are we going to do?” I said. “Change some laws?”

“We took down a governor, you know.”

“Eh, a candidate.”

“There’s symbols,” Brian said. “Stuff we can do.”

“You just want to throw a party.”

“I do like parties.”

“I don’t know,” I said. “I’m not really into symbols.”

He adjusted his arms around my waist. “What are you into?”

“Just…reality,” I said. “Being here.”

He kissed my forehead. “To being here.”

“To being here.”

**

I was peacefully drunk, braiding Molly’s hair while she, even more peacefully drunk, lay down in my lap, when the DJ stopped the music to make some announcement. I couldn’t see the interpreter from where I was sitting, so I nudged Molly, and she said Last song, with her eyes closed. I could tell by the way people were pairing up that it was something slow.

Justin nudged me. Want to dance?

I looked down at Molly, then at Brian on the dance floor. No, you go ahead, I said, and he kissed my cheek and headed to the dance floor. Brian starting unpinning the flower from his jacket as soon as he saw Justin coming, and he smiled with his eyes closed when Justin pushed himself up on his toes and hugged him.

I sat there and watched them sway under the twinkly lights, watched Brian tip his head back and laugh at something Justin said, watched all the people I loved in one place.

To being here.