A Change of Plans

LaVieEnRose

Emily stretched, resting her head back against Samantha's leg. Here's what I want to know, she said, signing way too emphatically for someone who'd had three glasses of wine and was holding another one while lying on our rug that costs more than I make in three months. Why haven't we met Daphne's boyfriend?

Ooh, yes, Samantha said.

Daphne laughed, taking another handful of chips. He doesn't sign.

Well neither did Justin, before he did! Emily said.

That's very true, I said. But I've met this guy, he is hopeless.

I can't imagine dating a hearing person, Derek said. He was on the couch with his feet on my shoulder, and he'd nudge me before he talked so I'd know to turn around. I'm not going to sit on the floor when there's a perfectly good couch right here, he'd said.

Daphne said, It probably helps that I'm hearing.

Yeah, probably, Derek said. Pass the wine.

The door opened, then, and Brian came in, finally home from work at almost nine. God, I don't think about the age difference between us very often, but right then, him coming home from the office in his suit with his briefcase, and me sitting on the floor in my sweatpants surrounded by my drunk friends, God, I felt about sixteen again and like he was my dad coming home and catching us or some shit. I couldn't decide if that was kinky or gross, so I decided not to dwell on it.

Everyone waved and started signing at him all at once, and he regarded all of us with a raised eyebrow while he took his suit jacket off. Well, this is nice, he said to me, in this way that was supposed to seem sarcastic but wasn't, really. He came over and kissed Daphne, then me, so long and slow that everyone started banging on the floor and the furniture, and Samantha and Emily started making out for good measure.

Brian broke away and said, One thing they don't tell you about having a house full of Deaf people is how goddamn loud you all are.

How was work? I said.

He gave me a rough kiss on the cheek. Don't ask, he said, and walked over to the bedroom and started undressing with the fucking door open. Emily made this big show of watching, and Samantha thwacked her on the side of the head.

Daphne put her hand on my knee. He wants you.

He always wants me, I said, and I hauled myself to my feet and came over to the bedroom door. “Yes, dear?

He pulled on a tank top. How are you, how was your day?

I rested my head against the doorway, unexpectedly touched. But of course I said, You called me all the way over here to ask how my day was?

He shrugged, smiling a little. You're not drinking, right?

I rolled my eyes. No.

He pecked me on the lips. I've met that girl with Emily, right?

I think just once. Samantha. I showed him her sign name, and fingerspelled it.

She's Deaf?

Yep.

He changed into his black jeans. Are they sticking around? I want to go out. As if I couldn't tell from the clothes.

Yeah, we're gonna play this game Derek brought.

He sighed. Okay. Well I'm gonna go.

You mean you don't want a quiet evening at home playing board games?

He kissed my nose. You wouldn't know quiet if it bit you. He nodded over my shoulder. They're trying to get your attention over there.

They'd started setting up the game, so I retook my place on the floor while Brian finished getting ready. He came out a second later and sighed. All right, children. Have a good evening.

Emily said, No, you asshole, stay and play with us! What kind of hosting is this?

Brian laughed, but he did go and get a beer out of the fridge instead of running out the door right away. I don't think so, he said over the bar.

What have you got to do that's so much fucking better, huh? Emily asked him.

Brian paused, grinning over his beer. Dancing, he signed eventually.

You can dance here! Derek said. He messed around with his phone and presumably started playing something, I don't know, but he started dancing—he's got a bit more hearing than I do—and so did Daphne. Samantha and Emily and I rushed to put our hands on the couch to feel the vibrations on the phone and then started dancing too. Brian chuckled and came over, pulling me up and into his arms.

He doesn't mean dancing, Daphne said. He's gonna go fuck someone.

Brian kissed my temple. True.

No, stay here! Emily said. You can fuck Justin.

Brian made this big show of looking me over, like he was trying to decide if he thought I was attractive. I shoved him.

He can't fuck Justin, Derek said.

The fuck I can't! Brian said, making like he was going to drag me to the bedroom. You'd think he'd get sick of me shoving him!

We need him for the game, Derek said.

Samantha said, Justin, multitask!

So how does it work? Derek asked.

Gay sex? Brian asked. I can show you.

I'm straight, Derek said.

That's fine, I can show you on Justin.

Derek said, You just go to the club and...find someone?

Brian laughed. Yeah, that's generally how it's done.

Nobody goes to clubs anymore, Derek said.

Maybe not straight people, Brian said. It's still our main method of operation.

Why don't you just use Grindr? Emily asked.

I said, Oh, God.

Brian looked at me. What's Grindr?

Emily laughed. Where the fuck have you been?

He's too old, I said.

Brian raised his eyebrows at me. Excuse me?

Daphne giggled. Now you've done it.

It's an app, Samantha said. For queer men. Why we don't get one I'll never know...

Brian took out his phone. What kind of app?

It's a hook-up thing, Emily said.

Brian looked at me.

Hook-up, I fingerspelled.

You upload some pictures and a sentence or two and it tells you who's nearby who wants to fuck you, Emily said.

Brian stared at her. This thing will tell me the locations of guys who want to fuck me? From anywhere?

And the world will never be the same, I said.

Brian was already fucking with his phone. How many people do you think I can fuck before I even get to Nova? Why does it want to know how old I am?

Like I said... I said.

Brian was already on his way out the door. You good? he said to me.

I'm good.

He gave me a wave and he was gone.

That really doesn't bother you? Derek said.

What, that he finally found out about Grindr? It was bound to happen. I probably won't see him for a week now.

Not Grindr, just...him fucking other guys.

It doesn't bother them, Daphne said. They're weird.

No, I get it, Emily said, and Samantha shrugged and nodded.

Daphne kicked my foot as we started playing and said, You're not sad to be spending the night with us instead?

I shook my head. Clubs aren't as fun if you can't drink. And tricking's kind of hard now. Brian practically has to be my fucking concierge for it, helping interpret and shit, and not a lot of guys are really into that. And then the ones that go through with it, half of them are probably only doing it because they feel like it's their good deed for the day or some shit. It kind of sucks.

Emily sipped her wine. So stop fucking hearing guys, she said, like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“Huh,” I said.

**

Brian was crashed on the couch when I woke up the next morning, still in his club clothes. He opened his eyes when I came out of the bedroom. Hey, he said, stretching. Didn't want to wake you. Got home before three, though!

Did you have fun?

I love Grindr. Have you tried it?

I rolled his eyes. I have a full time job, a painting career, and you fucking me four times a day. I'd barely have time to download it, yet alone use it.

He got off the couch and caught me from behind on my way to the kitchen. Only four, huh?

It's Saturday, I said. Maybe we can fit in a few more. If you're not too busy with your new toy.

He grabbed my arm and yanked me back to bed.

I watched him get dressed after, his body long and lazy and silhouetted in the window, and thought about telling him that maybe I didn't want to fuck hearing guys anymore. Maybe I could just...stop doing it, and he wouldn't notice?

Yeah right. Probably no matter what I did, he was going to jump to the conclusion that I was somehow doing it to manipulate him, but not being upfront about it meant that was basically a guarantee. I'd have to tell him, but God, telling Brian I wasn't going to go to clubs and pick up guys anymore sounded like a fucking disaster. He was going to think it was me dipping my toe in monogamy, that it was just some excuse for me to fuck around less often, and, eventually, to get him to fuck around less often, and fuck, right on the tail of this Grindr thing he would definitely think it was related and that I was secretly pissed about it or some shit...

Remember how I said I had a full time job? Okay, well, really, I have two: working for Marie and managing the goddamn neuroses of one Brian Kinney.

Honestly, though, having the I-swear-to-God-I-don't-want-monogamy conversation for the zillionth time, as much as I was not looking forward to it, was not my biggest concern about telling him. Brian, as much as he tries to act like he doesn't, has worries about the fact that we're a mixed relationship and that the vast majority of mixed relationships fail. It made him nervous when I slept with Deaf guys...not jealous, just...nervous. And as someone who'd, not too un-recently, been not-jealous-just-nervous about Brian sleeping someone younger than me, I couldn't pretend I didn't get it. Brian's got an insecure streak a mile wide, not to mention his pathological fear of holding me back from anything, so seeing me with Deaf guys gives him this idea that maybe there's something that he can't give me.

Of course, the only thing Brian hates more than his insecure streak is the fact that I know he has an insecure streak, so I couldn't exactly sit him down and hold his hand and say, now, dear, I know this makes you a little uneasy...

God. What a delicate fucking operation. Maybe I should just suck it up and keep having really shitty, uncommunicative sex with hearing guys. It's not like I used to have long conversations with them anyway.

But...you know. The fact that I was considering sleeping with guys I didn't want to sleep with in order to make my boyfriend happy was not great. And Brian would fucking fucking fucking kill me if he knew I was even considering that.

What are you thinking about? he asked me.

Breakfast, I said. His phone buzzed on the nightstand and almost fell off, but he grabbed it before it hit the ground. Well? I said.

He looked. Someone in our building.

Gonna try to catch him?

He looked up at me, the most mischievous fucking look in his eyes. Like a very tall, very horny child.

I laughed. Go.

He leaned over and kissed me, lingering for just a second. When I get back, he said, kissing my throat. Tell me what you were really thinking about.

So I, motherfucking coward that I am, left him a note as soon as he was gone and texted Daphne to meet me at the diner.

**

So what, you think he's going to take it as you rejecting him? she said.

That's a little dramatic, I said. But also...yes.

That doesn't sound like Brian, she said.

You don't...know him in that way, I said. He gets kind of antsy about Deaf/hearing stuff. I think...this decision will mean a lot more to him than it does to me. I just don't feel like doing something anymore. It's not symbolic. Fucking everything to him is symbolic.

Maybe you can phase it out slowly?

I shook my head. He'd notice right away. And jump to a worst case scenario conclusion. And then get pissed at me later when he found out I was phasing it out slowly instead of not doing something I didn't want to do.

It's just that you feel like a charity case? she said. Because I got to tell you, I don't think anyone's thinking that. You're kind of a hot little number, ears or no ears.

It's not that, really, I said. I just don't feel in control with hearing guys, you know? I feel like I just don't have enough awareness of what's going on, what they're going to do. Like that guy from Babylon, y'know?

She nodded, taking my hand.

And like...

She knit her eyebrows together. Like what?

I shook my head and sipped my water.

Justin, what?

And then all of a sudden...I wanted to tell her. I can't explain it. It was like I'd been keeping this secret for so long that I stopped thinking about why I was thinking about it, and all of a sudden I had to come up with a reason not to tell her and I came up completely empty.

Oh, okay. I sat up straight in the booth. Apparently I'm going to tell you this.

Okay, she said, and then she sat there and watched and grew steadily pale as I told her about the party at Sapperstein's house, eight years before.

So...it just kind of reminds me of that. Being with hearing guys. I mean, not as bad as that or anything, but...

Holy shit, Justin.

I'm okay, I said.

Does Brian know?

I shook my head.

You have to tell him.

He'll cry. He'll be so upset. And I'm fine about it. There's no reason to put him through that.

Does your therapist know?

I nodded.

Okay then. I guess that's enough. She reached out and touched my fingers. I love you.

I love you too, dork.

Do whatever you got to do to make Brian okay with it, she said. Because I don't really want you sleeping with hearing guys either.

**

Brian was gone when I got back to the apartment, and finally got back a little after ten that night. Take my phone, he said on the way to the shower. Hide it from me. Smash it to bits.

Overworked? I asked him.

It's too much power, he said, getting into the shower. I sat on the sink. I'm like one of those lions that gets fat while the other lions go out and catch the antelope. I can't do it. I have to stay sharp. Have to be one of those hunting lions.

So...a lioness.

He shrugged. Sure. Get in with me.

In a minute.

Right, you were going to tell me what was on your mind.

I leaned my head against the wall. Was I?

Yes, he said simply.

And I was about to say it, I was truly about to tell him I didn't want to fuck hearing guys anymore, and instead I said, I was talking to Daphne about something that happened a long time ago, and I guess I got in my head about it. I might call Lauren, see if she can fit me in.

Which was, all in all, probably a more important thing to say.

Brian narrowed his eyes. How long ago? he said.

When I was working at Babylon.

He turned off the water and wrapped a towel on his waist and came and sat down on the sink beside me. He turned sideways, his back against the wall, one foot up on the sink, that towel lazily over his legs. Like a Renaissance painting, I thought vaguely.

I was crying, all of a sudden. Not sobbing or anything, just a little bit. But still, I hadn't been expecting it and I didn't fucking know what to do with it.

Neither did Brian. He said, I didn't know you were...

I'm not, I said. I'm not...you know. In the bad place.

Okay, he said, like he didn't really believe me.

Remember that night you got arrested because Michael mouthed off to the cop?

Brian laughed a little, which helped. Fucking Michael.

And I was at that party. And I quit after?

He nodded, not laughing anymore.

They drugged us that night, I said. Me and the other guys working the party. And then brought us into this back room and...they didn't, I said quickly. I got away. But they tried to, and I kicked him in the teeth getting away, and...and that's why I quit.

Brian ran his hand over his mouth.

It was a really, really long time ago. Please don't be upset.

We kept fucking going to that club, he said.

I know.

Jesus Christ, Justin! We could have fucking switched clubs!

I know.

Why the fuck didn't you tell me when it happened?

I said, Because I was all in my head about proving to you that I could handle myself, that you didn't have to rescue me all the time, and...and then the further away we got from it the less there seemed to be any reason to tell you.

How many fucking other things have you not felt like there was a reason to tell me? He got off the sink.

Nothing, I said.

Why the fuck should I believe you? You've been holding onto this for eight years.

Please stop yelling at me, I said.

I just, he said, and he swiped his hands through his hair, and the next thing I knew he was crushing me into his collarbone. I held on tight, relaxing a little when his hand came up to cup the back of my head.

You're not supposed to do this to me, you know, he said once he'd let me go. His eyes were red. I'm not supposed to feel all this shit.

I know.

He sighed. We've got to be more careful with you.

I'm okay.

At this rate I'm gonna have to bribe some fucking...engineer to make a spare version of you to keep in the closet just in case.

I'm not going in the closet, I said, and he smiled just a little bit, shaky.

You have to tell me when shit happens, he says. Otherwise I don't know who to kill. I just run around killing people indiscriminately.

Messy.

Yeah.

I do tell you, I said. I was eighteen and stupid and...scared of you.

You've never been scared of anything, he said, and the thing about Brian is... I think he really believes that. Brian has it in his head that I'm this fearless, unstoppable person and...God, does it make me want to be a fearless unstoppable person.

It's not like I was making some point out of keeping this from you, I said. I swear, I hardly ever think about it. I told Lauren during our whole getting to know you session. That's the last time it really crossed my mind.

What brought it up now? I said.

I hedged. I didn't want to bring up the thing about sleeping with hearing guys now; it just seemed so manipulative, and it made the whole thing seem so much more serious, and it would make it even harder for Brian to believe that nothing had happened anytime recently. Nothing, just a question Daphne asked.

He looked at me carefully. But nothing happened to—

Daphne's fine, I said. We were talking about something else and something reminded me. That's all.

He sighed, and I reached for his waist, and we stayed there for a little while. We were just about eye-to-eye in that position, with me on the sink and him in front of it.

You make me crazy, he said, small.

I know.

You want to call Lauren?

It's ten o'clock, I said.

You can text her.

I...think I'm good now, actually. I breathed out. I feel good.

It would take him a while to feel good, I knew that. He'd need time to deal with this, to breathe, to stop checking me like he was going to find some trace of an eight-year-old injury.

We had time.

**

A couple weeks later, he stacked pizza boxes to bring to the recycling as the gang trailed out the front door. How the fuck do you guys eat this much? he said. You know, you're going to get fat one day. You have to. I have not been eating salads for thirty-whatever years for you to stay skinny on pizza.

You are literally always on me about being too skinny.

Are you trying to hurt me right now, is that what this is?

Yeah.

He got a beer out of the fridge. Emily was telling me about a new club that opened in Long Island City, you want to go? Could be a good after-work spot.

A gay club?

Brian has looked at me like I'm an idiot many, many times over the years, but maybe never to the degree he did just then.

I laughed. Yeah, sure. And then I just said it. I don't think I want to fuck hearing guys anymore, though.

He shrugged. Okay.

Really?

He sipped his beer. I'm assuming I'm the exception here.

I haven't decided yet.

He smirked. So...Deaf guys?

Yeah.

He considered this. Probably not as many of those.

Yeah.

You want to bend the repeat rule for that? he asked.

I shook my head. I don't need to trick as much as you do, we know that. We don't have to pretend.

Okay, he said. We can reevaluate if you're not happy.

I stared at him. How the fuck are you being so cool about this? Don't you...feel weird about it?

He shrugged. Kind of. But that's not your problem. I'll get over it.

I came over to him and kissed around his jawline. I was worried you'd be scared some Deaf guy would fall in love with me.

People are always falling in love with you anyway, Deaf and hearing, he said, looking at me with those dark eyes. You're just too stupid to notice.

Well, I can't hear them.

That must be it. He squeezed my shoulders. Still want to check out that club?

Yes please.

On the way out the door, he asked me, So how are you going to find these Deaf guys to sleep with, anyway?

I don't know, I said. Grindr, probably.