Brian sat there on the chair that was uncomfortable, but he didn’t notice. His white shirt and scarf covered in blood. Blood was smeared all over his face and hands, his throat sore from screaming. He was staring at a point on the wall, but wasn’t paying any attention to the information pamphlets on the walls. He couldn’t stop replaying the last hour and a half in his head, remembering the sound of the bat hitting the head of the man he could now admit, at least to himself, that he loved.

All he could see when he closed his eyes was that Sunshine smile that was on the face of the man nicknamed appropriately, as he looked over his shoulder at Brian. Walking, or more like dancing, away from the Jeep, smiling and being his overall happy self. Brian was stuck in the memory that was replaying over and over again in his head that he couldn’t stop but desperately wanted to. No matter how many times it replayed, the ending never changed.  He felt Michael next to him trying to give him silent support, but it didn’t matter. None of it mattered. What mattered was the kid, no man, that was laying somewhere in the hospital, possibly dying, or worse, already dead. There wasn’t a thing that Brian could do to help and that’s what was killing him silently from the inside out.

The tears that he fought to not cry were making their way down his face. He swiped at them in anger, at himself for letting it happen, at the hospital for not fucking TELLING him anything, at the school for not doing something when all of this fucking shit started with the fucking graffiti on his locker, or at the fucker, Hobbs, who caused this pain, this worry, this fucking unknown future. But one thing was for sure, when, not if, WHEN Justin pulled through this, everything was going to change. Brian had seen a glimpse of what life could be like tonight. Before the bashing. Before the bat.

And he could admit now that that life is exactly what he wanted. The smiles, the free-caring life, the love that shone from Justin’s face, the love that Brian hoped reflected in his eyes, that he could only hope Justin saw. More tears fell as he realized that Justin never heard the words, those three words he usually fought so hard against, when he had whispered them repeatedly in his ear in the ambulance. Justin was unconscious the entire time but he knew he had to say them, even if it was too late.

Mikey moved next to him, pulling him from his own head. Something he wasn’t sure if he was grateful for or not.

“Do you want something to drink?” Mikey asked. Brian wordlessly shook his head. “Something to eat?” again Brian shook his head. “Is there anything I can do?” Mikey asked, exasperated, as Brian reached over and grabbed his hand, silently thanking him just for being there. Brian felt it as Mikey squeezed back gently in understanding. The doors opened, and as a doctor walked out, Brian stood quickly.

“Where’s Justin? What’s happening? What’s going on? Please, can you tell me anything?”  Brian knew he threw the questions at him at 1,000 miles an hour, but he needed answers, and he needed them NOW! He saw the Doctor take a deep breath and his heart stopped. He started to cry freely now, not caring who the fuck saw him anymore. He imagined the worst, because that’s all he had done the whole time, sitting in this fucking uncomfortable chair, in the fucking hospital which he despised. FUCK!

“Mr. Kinney you need to calm down, take a deep breath before you hyperventilate.” The Doctors calming voice fought its way through the fog in his brain. He looked over at the doctor who was kneeling in front of him with a reassuring hand on his arm. When did he end up on the floor? What the fuck was going on?

“Justin is stable, Mr. Kinney.” Three words that he needed to hear. That’s all he heard. Then he heard sobs, who was sobbing? His shirt felt wet, not just with blood but with tears. Where did they come from? It took a minute to realize it was him sobbing and his shirt was wet from the tears that were falling from his eyes. He couldn’t remember the last time he cried this much, or this hard. Even when his dad used to bash him as a child he never cried. To Brian, it was a sign of weakness and he didn’t do weakness. No excuses, no apologies, no regrets. Didn’t do love, in and out with minimum amount of bullshit and maximum amount of pleasure.  Well that was bullshit. Trust Sunshine to fucking blow everything he ever fucking believed in, every fucking motto, into pieces in a matter of hours.

Apparently he did cry, he did do regrets, he did do apologies, and he did do love. Fucking Sunshine. He could admit now that he should have seen it coming. It didn’t happen in a matter of hours, it happened like falling asleep. Slowly, then all at once. All because of one persistent kid. The one whose future was currently unknown.

“But,” the doctor continued. “There has been a complication.” Brian’s world, for what felt like the 1,000th time, stopped again that night. What complication? What the fuck was going on now? Had Sunshine bleeding all over the fucking garage floor and all over Brian not been enough? Wasn’t him being unconscious in this mother fucking hospital somewhere where Brian couldn’t fucking get to him enough?  When was enough fucking enough?

“Who is his Medical Proxy?” the doctor asked.

“Me, last I heard.” Brian answered. At Mikey’s questioning gaze, he continued. “We had it changed on his 18th birthday. He was concerned about what would happen if anything happened and his dad was still his proxy, so we spoke to a lawyer and got it changed. I uhm,” he paused and took a deep breath now and scratched the back of his head, a sure sign of his nerves. “I changed mine too.” He glanced apologetically at Mikey since they had decided in Babylon that they wanted to be each other’s.

“Well, we need consent to perform multiple tests,”

“What tests? What’s wrong? I’ll sign anything you need me to. Just please, save him.” Brian pleaded with the doctor, interrupting whatever the Doctor was going to say.

“Why don’t we take a seat?” The doctor gestured to the uncomfortable chair again. Brian nodded, stood and slowly moved towards it, without even realizing he was doing it, not knowing how he was lifting his feet to get there. He sat, slowly, and realized just how uncomfortable these god damn fucking chairs were. “We need to perform further CT scans and MRI scans. We opened the skull to relieve the pressure on the brain to prevent what is known as coning. Coning is where the brain stem is pushed down into the small cavity at the base of the skull where it meets the spinal cord. The brain stem is the part of the brain that controls breathing and connects the nerve connections of the motor and sensory part of the brain to the rest of the brain.” Brian nodded, understanding so far. He hated it, but he understood it.

“That procedure went fine, to a point.” Brian held his breath, again. “There’s no easy way to say this. Unfortunately, when we opened him up, we found a mass.” Brian couldn’t breathe anymore. He knew he was going into shock, but he needed to hear more, if only he could just stop, just to hear what the fuck was going on. “We took a biopsy that was marked as urgent, while we were there and it came back positive for cancer. Justin has brain cancer.”

What. The. Fuck?

What the fuck was happening now? There must be some mistake. There had to be. Right? Because Justin, sweet innocent sunshine, hadn’t done anything to deserve this. Hadn’t done anything to ask for this? Did he actually owe Justin’s life to Chris Hobbs for bashing him over the head with a fucking baseball bat? Justin -- his Justin -- was sick. The guilt he already had grew tenfold. Brian couldn’t lose him. Couldn’t lose Justin. He would die. His heart was already breaking. He should be the one laying in that hospital bed. Not Justin. Never Justin. He started sobbing, full, big deep breath sobs when he heard voices down the corridor. He knew those voices. But he couldn’t deal with those voices. He couldn’t. Not at the moment. He reached beside him blindly for Mikey and grabbed his hand. Mikey understandably looked torn. Did he stay and help Brian, his best friend, or did he go and deal with the voices? Brian seemed to take the decision out of his hands when he stood.

“Can I see him?” Brian’s voice sounded weak, even to himself. The Doctor nodded.

“But only one person at a time. And I know it’s a shock, but we do need the tests done ASAP so we can work out the best plan of action from here. I’ll take you there now.” Brian nodded, like a lost little boy, because that’s exactly what he felt like. He squeezed Mikey’s hand gently once and walked off, following the doctor.

Mikey stood there watching with his heart breaking for his best friend. He watched as Brian followed the doctor, not paying any attention to where he was going, or who was surrounding him. That was the moment that Mikey realized himself that Brian Kinney, Stud of Liberty Avenue, was in love with Justin Taylor.  He prayed to a god he didn’t believe in, not to take Brian’s sunshine away, because if he did, it would break the man walking down the hall, and Michael knew the family wouldn’t be able to put him back together. He knew in that moment that Sunshine was Brian’s entire world.

Mikey took a deep breath, gathered his thoughts and braced himself for the onslaught that was inevitable. He had some explaining to do to the others.