The Things I Knew About You When I Married You:

I knew even though you love me, there would always be a piece of your heart I couldn’t touch.

I knew while you could be kind and loving, you also let jealousy override your best qualities.

I knew you didn’t say yes when I first asked because part of you held hope for something you really wanted.

I knew every time the words came of your mouth that you didn’t believe that what we had none of your friends would, yet you used it to convince yourself.

I knew that while you wanted the best for your friends, you made sure they only heard they were making mistakes any time they were happier than you.

I knew while you say Justin is a friend, you’ve never forgiven him for Brian wanting him and not you.

I knew it wasn’t about Brian giving the man he loves things. It was that you couldn’t deny that Brian wanted those things just as much.

I knew that when Drew came back, you told Emmett he would just end up hurt if he gave his heart back to Drew.

I knew you agreed to everything with Mel and Lindsay because you were afraid, and when Justin was going too you didn’t tell him it was a mistake because then Brian would need you again.

I knew all that but I still loved you, and no matter how much I hated everything I knew, I still love you.

What I know now is that no matter how much I love you, I can no longer silence my thoughts to make you happy. I can’t be the man who sits silently by while you try to find ways to keep a bond with the man you love more than you love me. I can’t sit silently while you treat the joy we found in having Hunter as something your friend doesn’t deserve. I can’t keep silent about the fact that I’m dying faster every day because I want the man I thought I married to see that our bond should be stronger than the one he has with his ‘best friend’. I won’t be your third or fourth choice anymore. I hope after reading this you understand why I felt you needed it on paper instead of spoken words that seem to just drift into the atmosphere after they’re said to you. I wrote this because our daughter became braver than me, by telling you the truth we all live with, while still trying to love the better parts of you.

I have always and will always love you, but I won’t continue to suffer in silence or stay if you don’t help save us.

Ben

Michael stared at the paper, knowing it was what Ben must have written after he left the romantic dinner Michael planned for them. 

Ben had ended up being busy for the next week after Jenny went home, and neither of them had really talked much after Michael didn’t cheer like everyone else about Emmett and Drew copying Brian and Justin. It took Michael another week before he thought a month of them both barely speaking to each other was enough. He hoped this dinner and the conversation he thought about would help them make it better. Ben came in to see it all and for the first time in a couple of weeks, Ben no longer looked at Michael like he was a disappointment to him. Michael wanted to suggest an idea he had, and with them alone he thought it would help Ben see how committed Michael was to him. After the wine was poured and they kissed when Michael told Ben it was time to celebrate the new things ahead for them, Ben told him he been asked to extend his tour for another month. 

“We’re going to be away long enough.” Michael said wanting to talk about what he wanted.

“It’s just another month, and my editor wants me to pair with the writer that will be there for my next book.” Ben told him.

“Can’t the guy come to Pittsburgh? There are things I wanted to do for us.” Michael tells him.

“My work helps us be able to do things we’ve talked about. It’s just another month, and it will give us time to see more of the things I wanted to show you.” Ben said, trying to get Michael to be happy about having more time to be together.

“I have things I want to do too, but was willing to put off for the next five months we’re stuck doing this.” Michael tells him.

“You feel like your stuck with me?” Ben asked, no longer thinking of this dinner as what he hoped when he walked in the door.

“I didn’t mean it like that. I miss being home. And I want us to think about things we both have always wanted.” Michael tells him.

“I thought we both had that, what’s missing?” Ben asked, wondering if maybe it might be something good that Michael was trying to tell Ben.

“I know we’ve both been happy with Hunter, and we both wished we’d found him sooner. You were right. We didn’t do the best for Jenny, and I know a lot of it was me, arguing that it was ridiculous to go to Canada when we’d only spend a day or two with Jenny. I want to be better than that.” Michael tells Ben.

Ben relaxed, agreeing that Jenny should have them around more. He knew the worst part of this tour for him was only getting to talk to Hunter and Jenny over the phone. Having Jenny here with them, Ben could understand why Michael wanted to get back sooner and was willing to listen because Jenny needed them too.

“I’ll let my editor know it would be better to meet the other author in Pittsburgh. You’re right, our daughter is more important.” Ben told him, wondering if Michael’s confusion was from Ben agreeing so easily.

“Yeah, she is. and I’ll get started right away so when we get back we’ll be ready to...” Michael told him.

“Get started on what?” Ben asked.

“To do what everyone else is doing.” Michael told him.

“You need to explain it to me because I want to be wrong about what you’re asking.” Ben told him.

“I want to adopt again. We should have it easier since we’ve already done it with Hunter, and this way Jenny doesn’t feel like everyone else got things she didn’t. I don’t even plan to touch the savings we have. I’m going to talk to Justin about restarting Rage again. I mean, we stopped when Justin’s career became busy, but people are still buying the old ones, and comment all the time that they wished we’d continued. Plus think of all of us sitting around complaining together about what our children are doing to turn our hair gray. All of us celebrating together the way we used to party together. Don’t you miss those nights…” Michael stopped when Ben got up, leaving the room and then not even not coming to bed. 

Michael slept like shit and ended up oversleeping, only to find out Ben left and with only an envelope sitting next to Michael’s cereal box. Michael read it, not agreeing with what Ben wrote, then wondering why Ben would be angry about having another child together. When the door opened later that night, Michael decided not to talk about it, but he thought Ben was being ridiculous. 

“You’re angry because I wanted us to have another child? That I thought that having a great father like you was wrong for any child? So you wrote this instead of just saying you don’t want us to have children?” Michael threw at Ben as he put away his things.

“When did you decide you wanted to adopt again? I want honesty here. Because a child isn’t something you do on a whim.” Ben tells him.

“After Hunter, I thought about it, but…” Ben cut Michael off.

“No, you didn’t. When Michael?” Ben asks.

“I guess when Jenny found out Emmett and Drew were adopting too. Don’t you miss when Hunter needed us?” Michael asks.

“I want to explain to you why I left you at the dinner table last night. Why unless something changes, you can go to Pittsburgh tomorrow and do whatever you plan to do.” Ben tells him.

“Ben, no matter what you thought you knew, I married you because you were the one that gave me what no one else could,” Michael tells him.

“No. I gave you what Brian wouldn’t. And we had the life you dreamed of, yet it never seemed to be enough for you.” Ben tells him.

“It is enough, and a child would only make it better,” Michael tells him.

“A child you want only so all your friends have a reason to include you. Not once did you talk about how ‘this child’ would complete our family. Just how to use the child so you could have everything Brian is giving Justin. I’m not Brian and you aren’t Justin. What they do shouldn’t mean we have to do it. The funny part about it is that I would love to adopt again. I would love to be able to do everything for a child with you. Only that’s not why you want to do this. You know what, maybe I should just get you a dog instead.” Ben tells him, leaving Michael feeling smaller than he’d ever felt.

“I think Ben is done with me.”  Michael texted.

“Then show him he’s wrong. Make sure he never doubts you by deed or words.” Justin answered.

“I don’t think anything will be enough this time,” Michael answered.

“Be like your best friend the day I met him, and show Ben that for you being with him will never be enough because you want more,” Justin replied.

“I’m sorry for acting like an ass about Max,” Michael answered.

“Don’t be sorry. Just make sure our son knows Uncle Mikey isn’t the asshole he can be. But hey, I’m getting a kitten too, so once again, I win!” Justin answered.

“Of course you do Boy Wonder. Thanks for not flying here and kicking my ass.” Michael wrote.

“I will if you need me to. But it would be better if you just loved Ben for the amazing man he his. I know I fantasized a few times that I’d like him too.” Justin sent.

“That’s why I refused to let him pose naked for you because Brian couldn’t compete with Ben!” Michael answered.

“Make sure he knows that for you he never has. Night.” Justin sent before kissing Brian.

“Still trying to save the day twat?” Brian said, tossing Justin’s phone.

Michael expected Justin to ask something, but it was like he knew what Ben wrote in his letter. Michael stayed on the couch all night, rereading the words Ben wrote, knowing he needed to find a way to change what Ben would know. Ben came out when he woke up and quietly walked by a sleeping Michael. Maybe it was stupid, or maybe he just needed confirmation that Michael once again went to Brian. Only for once to be surprised at seeing Justin’s name as the person he’d texted.

Max stood in front of the big shelf at the grocery store along with Billy and Colton. They were supposed to get what they wanted? Max wanted it all, but he looked at the cart then to the shelf. Maybe they should have gotten another one. Emmett was buying food to thank everyone who was coming over the next day to help decorate and put together Billy and Colton’s rooms. Brian and Gabriel had gotten permission for them to spend more time with Emmett and Drew after they completed their first class. Sabrina approved what sounded like a custody agreement until they finish counseling, while Gabriel arranged for all the home studies to be done. Emmett and Drew had done the rooms to impress, but now it was time to do the rooms the way the boys wanted them too. Of course, the whole family was coming over to help, even though Drew and Emmett could have hired professionals.

“Pa, what happens to the cookies I don’t take?” Max asked.

“Someone else will probably buy them. Or when we need them we’ll come back to get them.” Justin answered as seriously as he could.

“Uncle Bri needs Oreo’s again.” Billy told them.

“Maybe we should get both you and Brian each one, since you two sneak out together to eat them.” Justin teased.

“Hey, he needs someone to save him he told me.” Billy tells him.

“Please. Big Bad used to tell everyone Michael left them before Justin showed up. Then somehow it was all Justin’s fault for years.” Emmett tells them.

“Em, can I get the kind we cook?” Colton asked.

“Do you want to do it from scratch?” Emmett asked, loving how much Colton loved to cook.

“I likes the pizza you make too.” Max tells them.

“You like any pizza.” Billy said, running off to get the crust and all the other stuff.

“It’s hell to be the caterer when you throw the party.” Emmett said, laughing at everyone coming over to his house to help do the boys room.

“If you didn’t tell everyone you and Colton wanted to cook, you know they’d bring more than any of you could or would eat.” Gus reminds him, throwing three packages of cookies into the cart.

“I like the ones with big chips.” Max tells Gus, who lifts Max to get them.

“You want to help Billy get stuff for the pizza?” Colton asks Gus and Max.

As they all went off to help, Emmett continued on, trying not to react as if this hadn’t become normal for them.

“It’s like everyday something gets easier doesn’t it?” Emmett asked Justin.

“Then one day, it’s just our life.” Justin told him.

It wasn’t like it was perfect. Colton didn’t deal well with Billy not being able to help him with school work, even when he liked Hunter. Gus got angry when another student joked that he liked picking up the strays of the school. Billy getting mad at Colton who accidentally knocked Max over when he ran in front of him. Jenny having to get on all the boys for inviting everyone to a party but one girl, who invited everyone but Jenny to her party. Then there was the name issue. Billy and Colton over the month just followed Jenny’s lead and Brian was Uncle Brian, yet Justin was Uncle Pa. Other than shortening Emmett’s name the boys hadn’t wanted to change it. When they did, as Justin said, it would be the next step in their lives.