Title: I’m Missing You…
Story Type: AU
Word Count: 2664
Rating: R
Warnings: Passion and Lust…
Beta Queen: bigj52
Banner: yvonne_reid

Summary: Brian goes missing during a sea cruise…

Chapter Summary: How do you feel about that?

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable charters, settings, plot, etc. are property of their respective owners, including, but not limited to Russell T. Davies, Cowlip, and Showtime. The author of this story is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended…


I’m Missing You…


Chapter 12 ~ Therapy



Justin finally agreed to go and see Dr. Alex Wilder to deal with the feelings he has for both men. He explained his feelings for Brian and how he is the love of his life; that he’s so in love with him and how their separation really depresses him. He tells him all about living in New York and even though he loved it there he always felt like something was missing. That moving back to Pittsburgh was the best decision of his life; that’s when Brian and he decided to marry. And he told him all about their plans that they made, that his life was finally coming together.


He told him how all of that changed when Brian went away on that business trip and he was lost at sea and how he’s never stopped believing in Brian. How sad he’s been these last several months that Brian has been missing.


“Everyone says that I have to start living my life and I didn’t want to listen to them so I keep on trying to believe that Brian will be coming home to me soon. Before I knew it the summer was over and all the plans we had to be married at the end of August came and went. I just became even more depressed and I started to become more of a recluse. I hardly ever saw my friends and when I did they just reminded me of Brian.”


“I struggled with cocaine use the first few months that Brian was missing; I was just so depressed that it was a way of me not dealing with reality. But that only made things worse. I secretly went into rehab. I was ashamed of my drug use and didn’t want my mother and some of my friends to know that I had sunk so low.”


“Then Lindsay kept pushing to have Brian declared dead and I just couldn’t deal with all of that… It made me really mad. I felt like I was losing all my friends and family. I pulled away for a while and then they just decided that they were going to have a funeral for Brian. I just couldn’t attend the funeral to deal with the concept of letting him go. Lindsay had convinced herself and everyone else that Brian had left them all part of his estate. After they insisted on reading his will none of them were very happy because it seems that he left a huge donation in their names to the Vic Grassi House. So after that they were all mad at me and expected me to do something. I don’t know what they expect me to do. Pay them off?”



“Anyways after I got out of rehab I pulled my life together and started back to school. Then one day I met Shawn and right from the beginning I felt there was a connection. I tried to go slow and that worked for the first couple of months we knew each other. I told him all about Brian and how I’m still in love with him and he was totally understanding of my situation. We started doing more and more things together. He’s a fellow artist so he understood all the deadlines I had to meet for the shows I’m in and the stress of having to prepare for them.”


“We started growing closer to one another and he kept saying that he understood my feelings for Brian but he also made it clear that he had feelings for me. When he kissed me it just felt good to have someone paying attention to me. I never let it go very far and at first I didn’t sleep with him but we did mess around like a couple of teenagers.”


“Needless to say it took a while for me to be able to get past all that stress of the funeral and then there was the issue of the gang meeting Shawn. They all immediately assumed that we were involved sexually, which wasn’t the truth at that time. I mean we messed around but we never fucked. That is until I went to New York with him a few weeks ago. I really didn’t mean for it to happen. When I tried to back up our relationship he said he understood but he doesn’t. Now he seems mad at me and wants me to accept that Brian’s dead. I think he’s mad because I won’t fuck him and on top of all that I feel so guilty that I’ve let myself become involved with him. The problem is that I really do like him and I don’t want to lose him. I just want everything to go back to the way it was. So… well that’s it in a nutshell.” 


“Well I can see that you’re under a lot of stress right now but no one is asking you to make a choice between Brian and Shawn.”


“No, you don’t understand. Shawn has changed and he wants me to move in with him. I think he’s going to ask me to marry him…”


“How do you feel about that?”


“I feel pressured by him. For months he’s been saying that he understands about Brian and has been totally supportive but since we’ve been back from New York he now wants me to make some kind of commitment. It’s like he was just humoring me before and now he expects me to just stop having feelings for Brian.”


“That must be very hard for you. Have you given it much thought how you would feel if Brian were to come home today?”


“There’s no question I would want to be with Brian. I don’t know how I’d explain to him about Shawn but I would be honest and tell him everything. I love him so much and I still miss him desperately.”


“Maybe it would be a good idea if you didn’t see Shawn for a little while and you tried to sort out your feelings for the two of them.”


“Yes. I think that’s a good idea. I just hope that Shawn understands.”


“Well, I think we’ve covered a lot for our first session. I think it would be good if we continued seeing each other twice a week on Tuesday and Thursday afternoons - say two o’clock. You don’t have school then. Right?”


“Thanks, Dr. Wilder. I already feel so much better.”


~~~~


I really do feel so much better. It’s like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I just don’t know how I’m going to tell Shawn that I need to take a break for a little while. I get home and talk to Daphne about my therapy session and how it feels good to be able to just unload all my worries onto a total stranger. He seems so nice and he doesn’t interrupt me when I’m trying to explain my feelings.


He doesn’t judge me for letting myself getting involved with two different men and he totally understands that I’ll always love Brian. He doesn’t make me feel like I need to stop believing in him. I guess that’s what I feel when I try and talk to other people about Brian. They all make me feel like I’m an idiot for still thinking he’ll be found but it’s like I can still feel him and I just know he’s trying to find his way home.


That’s the part I’m most pissed off about. Shawn said that he understood my feelings but then all of a sudden he’s thinks I’ve had enough time to grieve and now I need to move on. So it’s like he really didn’t understand. He was just leading me on to believe he was so understanding. And he makes me feel like it’s all about sex; he’s pissed that I don’t want to fuck. I mean, we do everything else you can imagine but I just can’t have intercourse with him. That’s when I feel like I’m cheating on Brian and I just won’t allow myself to feel so bad.


“Oh, Daph, everything was fine until we went to New York and then I had a moment of weakness and it’s totally changed everything for us.”


“Well, I’m not trying to make you feel bad, but you were still messing around with Shawn even if you weren’t fucking so I’m sure that both of you couldn’t help but let your feelings grow stronger. What I mean is that I think you’re just kidding yourself if you think it just happened when you went to New York. I think it’s been happening for a long time now… Not that I blame you because I think you do need someone in your life…”


“Oh God, Daph… I think you might be right. Now I just need some time to think things through. I need a break…”


~~~~


“Shawn, thanks for meeting me here. There’s something I wanted to talk with you about.”


“Oh God, why do I have this feeling you’re about so say something I don’t want to hear?”


“The thing is I really like you. I may even love you but everything is just moving too fast and I know we said that we’d slow down but that doesn’t seem to be happening. I feel like you’re mad at me all the time.”


“I’m not mad. I’m just frustrated and I love you too…”


“No. That’s just it. I’m not ready to allow myself to fall in love. I’m still in love with Brian and I thought that you knew that. I still want to see you but just not for a while. I need time to work through my feelings. That is why I think we need to take a break until after Thanksgiving. It’s only a few weeks from now and hopefully I’ll be able to see things in a different light.”


“Thanksgiving? I thought that you said that you’d come and meet my parents over Thanksgiving weekend?”


“I know I did and I’m sorry but I just feel like we’re moving too fast. It’s not fair to you and it’s not fair to Brian. Can’t you see I don’t want to hurt you? But I will if I lead you to believe that we could be more than just friends. Because I still believe that he’s coming home. I have to believe in him; we’ve been together for seven years now. Don’t you see I’ve only been with you several months and as great as you’ve been I just can’t move this fast?”


“I understand. Maybe you’re right. We need to step back and take a good look at our relationship. But know I still love you and I want to make a life with you. We’re really good on so many levels and I’ve never felt this close to anyone else. So please don’t throw this all away. Promise me that we’ll continue to talk with each other even if we’re taking a short break.”


Justin smiles and says he’ll keep in touch and try to work something out.


Later that day he’s having dinner with Daphne and he tells her how hard it was to talk with Shawn. How he felt that he was breaking his heart and he hated doing that to him. He wonders how he gets himself into these situations. He’s known all along that he’s in love with Brian, yet he allowed them to start fooling around. He knows that he would never be able to forget about Brian. Was he just using Shawn because he was so lonely?


He really doesn’t think so but that seems to be how it appears now. He knows he has to end their sexual relationship and that will probably kill their friendship in the process. Daphne thinks he’s being too hard on himself and that they both knew the score when they started fooling around. Justin hopes that they can remain friends because they really do have a lot in common and they get along really well.


Later that week the gang goes bowling on Wednesday night. Even though Justin had said that he and Shawn should take a break he was part of the bowling league so he showed up and was really nice and understanding towards Justin. It was like old times when they first started being friends. They had always toned down their affection for each other when they were out in public so the gang was no wiser to what they were going through.


Lindsay and Mel took Justin aside and asked him if he had given thought to their offer to father their next child. Justin blushed and said that he hadn’t really decided. He was flattered but he didn’t think now was the right time for him to become a father. He thinks he would like to do it possibly in a couple of years when he was older and his life was more settled. Then he told them that he would want to have some form of custody arrangement. He couldn’t be a dad like Brian and Michael; he would have to be more involved in his child’s daily life.


Lindsay’s not happy about him wanting to wait and she definitely doesn’t like the idea of sharing custody. Mel suggests that they all take some time to think things through. They didn’t have to make up their minds right away. Now wasn’t the right place for a discussion like this. Justin’s a little frustrated by the conversation and he needs a cigarette so he bums one from the bowlers in the next lane over.


Shawn sees him smoking and is worried about how Justin is feeling; he had talked with Shawn about possibly having a child with Mel and Lindsay. Shawn agreed that Justin needed time before he was ready, but they also discussed the possibility of raising a child together in one of their midnight conversations about what they might want for their future. This is where things always got a little tricky because Justin can see a future with Shawn and they want a lot of the same things.


Shawn just smiles and says, “I guess that’s a conversation for another day when you’re ready to talk about our future. That is if we even have a future. I’m trying really hard here to be what it is that you want me to be. I understand that you need more time and I’m willing to give you all the space you need. I’m sorry that things were moving too fast for you and I’m willing to just be friends if that’s what you need right now.”


With that Justin smiles one of his sunshine smiles and gives Shawn a big kiss, thanking him for being so understanding. It’s times like this that make Justin’s heart open up to Shawn because he truly is a nice guy who can see that they would have a great future together if they ever really gave it a try. It’s times like this that make Justin so confused about what he wants for his future because he could so easily fall in love with him. Justin is so relieved that Shawn isn’t pressuring him anymore and that they seem to be able to be good friends, still hanging out together without all the tension of being in a serious relationship.


The next few weeks passed quickly and Justin and Shawn still remained friends. They had successfully put the brakes on their romantic relationship. Justin was painting, trying to get ready for his show in December. He was planning on going to New York after the first of the month to meet with Norman. December was going to be a hectic month with the holidays coming up and his solo show at the gallery on December fifteenth.


TBC…