Title: I’m Missing You…
Story Type: AU
Word Count: 1415
Rating: R
Warnings: Passion and Lust…
Beta Queen: bigj52
Banner: yvonne_reid

Summary:  Brian goes missing during a sea cruise…

Chapter Summary: Justin struggles with his drug use and prepares for his art show…

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable charters, settings, plot, etc. are property of their respective owners, including, but not limited to Russell T. Davies, Cowlip, and Showtime. The author of this story is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended…

I’m Missing You…

Chapter 5 ~ Coming Home to Pittsburgh…

I finally crashed and slept for two days and when I woke I was still so drained and moving like a zombie. I sipped my coffee as I looked at my art work and was amazed at the intensity I had put into the paintings. I would have thought that they would be for shit but they are actually some of my best work. I’m relieved that I’m done so I just need to take pictures and send them to Norman and then start packing them up for shipping. I really need to meet with Michael to go over the next issue of Rage; he’s been so patient with me these last couple of weeks.

I check the phone for messages and it’s full, of course; most are from Emmett, Michael and Debbie. I know they’re just worried about me as I’ve become a recluse since I got back from Florida. I’m just not up for seeing anyone and I had so much work to do. Daphne has agreed to go with me to New York to help set up for the show and I’ll have to meet with Norman daily. We’re leaving in a couple of days and spending a week there partly just so I can get away from the house.

There’s one message from Lindsay asking about Brian’s estate and I’m totally taken aback. I refuse to have him declared dead; I just don’t believe that he’s really gone and it’s only been a month now. I hate to believe that this is all about money. I’ve made sure that they’re still receiving the same monthly allowance they did when he was here. But I guess I’ll have to contact Brian’s attorney and have him deal with the munchers; there’s no way I’m having that conversation with them.

I call Emmett and make plans to meet for lunch to go shopping. I need clothes to wear in New York and just to get out of the house. We meet at the diner and Michael’s also there. God, I hope they all don’t treat me with kid gloves. I wish everyone would just act normal. I just don’t want to talk about it. It’s just too hard with everyone acting like he’s never coming home. I know I shouldn’t but I decide to do a little blow from my bullet before I go in, just to calm my nerves.

Debbie cries out my name and gives me a huge bear hug, practically smothering me to death. Emmett jumps up and gives me a hug; Michael just says hi and pats me on the back. They’ve already ordered and of course, I’m not really hungry. Nothing sounds good to me and finally Debbie just brings me my usual burger and fries. I am extremely thirsty and I drink several large cokes but mostly I just push my food around my plate.

Debbie brings over a box of Kleenex, saying it seems that I still have my summer cold. I humor her and then excuse myself to use the bathroom and do a few more hits of blow. God, it feels good just to be stoned. But I realize that I really can’t stay out in public; I need the comfort of my big house to hide in. I ask Emmett if it’s alright if we go shopping another day; that I’m not really up to it. After lunch Michael and I go back to the comic book store to try and brainstorm the next issue.

We can’t seem to come up with any interesting ideas and Michael asks me if I’m stoned. I didn’t think it was showing but I should have known better. After all he’s used to hanging out with Brian, and took care of him when he was high. He doesn’t seem angry or surprised; he just tells me to be careful and I promise to be. Michael finally asks me how the search is going. I tell him that they haven’t had any new leads in weeks - only that someone did see the yacht sailing in the Bermuda triangle the afternoon they disappeared.

I tell him that I think the private detective we hired is for shit and that I’m thinking of firing him and hiring someone new. That I plan on going back to Florida when I get back from New York. I just feel like I need to be closer to the investigation. Michael thinks this is a bad idea. He doesn’t say it but I can tell he’s giving up and it just breaks my heart. After all he’s supposed to be Brian’s best friend.

I try not to get angry with him but I just don’t understand why everyone is so convinced that he’s dead… No, I can’t…. I won’t let myself believe that. I know he’s still alive and trying to find his way back home. I can just feel it in my bones. I’ll never stop believing in him. Of course Michael is so dense sometimes; he’s asking me if I know what Brian’s Will states? Then he asks if I remember that he signed off on a life insurance policy for a million dollars for Mel and Lindsay.

I’m starting to get mad, wondering if they put him up to this. I can’t believe that people are so self-centered and that all they care about is his money. I start shouting that I’ll never have him declared dead. I’m getting close to crying and I know I have to leave. Then Michael has the gall to ask if I think he’s in Brian’s Will? I just stand up and storm out the back door. I make my way to the jeep and just sit in the front seat, feeling my panic attack coming on. I hold my head in my hands, wishing I hadn’t left the house today.

~~~~

Later that day Daphne stops by with pizza and beers and of course, I’m stoned. She picks up on it and asks how long I’ve been into cocaine; she’s not happy at all. I try and explain that it’s just something I need to get me through these last few weeks. I tell her it’s not a problem and that I can quit any time. So she says, “Good. Now give me all that you have left!”

“What? No, I’m fine. You don’t understand. I just need a little to take the edge off.”

She holds out her hand until I give her my bullet and she empties it down the sink. I try and explain that she doesn’t understand what I’m going through and how the whole family thinks he’s dead. Now my voice is cracking and I can’t stop crying. She reaches out and holds me, rocking me back and forth. Thank God she doesn’t say, ‘everything’s going to be alright’. She tells me to just let it all out. It’s okay to cry; that I need to let myself feel all my emotions.

After a while I pull myself together and I get up and throw away all the used Kleenex; I thank her for being there for me. She just gives me a small smile and then asks if I’m ready for some pizza and it actually sounds good. She hands me a beer and we talk about my up-coming show. I’ve made reservations for us at the Ramada Inn. It’s close to the gallery and Norman’s agency.

After dinner I take her upstairs to my studio and show her my paintings. I hold my breath, waiting for her opinion. When she finally turns towards me she says that they’re great, my best work ever. I can’t help grinning as she says there’s so much intensity in them; they really reach out and grab you. “I guess that’s what happens when you stay up all night painting like a madman.”

“There really brilliant, Justin. I bet you’ll sell all of them. God, I can’t wait. We’re going to New York in just two days!”

I smile at her and ask if she’s alright with us smoking a joint. She says yes but I just don’t like to see you doing any hard drugs. You never know what they’re cut with and considering that you’re allergic to so many things I can’t understand how you would risk it… I don’t say anything because… what can I say? She’s right. Except that I really just need to escape reality sometimes.

TBC…