ASHES TO AUTUMN





PART ONE: Lilacs & Lolita; Autumn Monologue

Brian had pushed Justin away and he felt his life was slipping away with him but he couldn't admit it.  He thought he had done it for all the right reasons. Brian missed his boy his reason to breathe, now Justin had another in his life and he hoped Justin would get what he wanted.

One day as Brian walked alone down Liberty Ave. he passed a music store known to feature songs from up and coming artists.  He heard the noise that was supposed to pass for music blaring from the door. Absent mindedly he was about to say `this sounds like the garbage you like' but the one he would've said it to wasn't at his side.  He swiped at the tear that formed at the corner of his eye and went inside the store.

Brian pretended to look at some CDs then went to the counter and inquired about the song that was playing.  The kid pointed to the new artists display.

Brian listened to the whole CD unable to move reading the lyrics.  In between the screaming he felt the words. He put down the headphones grabbed two copies and paid for them then raced home.

As Brian ripped off the protective cellophane he felt his heart pounding within his chest.  He was unable to say words to Justin but he hoped the music and lyrics would say it for him.  He popped in the CD and listened again over and over.

For the next few days Brian came home immediately after work to listen to the music.  Somehow he had to get Justin to listen. With a yellow highlighter he marked the songs that explained his feelings; his feelings of anger, frustration, sorrow, regret, and love.

One day Brian wrapped the CD in brown paper and tied it with a blue ribbon that reminded him of the color of Justin's eyes.  He made for the diner. Before entering he bought a single blood red rose and slipped it under the ribbon.

The diner was busy and Justin was behind the counter.  Finding an empty stool Brian sat without asking Justin put a cup of coffee in front of him and slid over the sugar.  Justin saw the package and raised an eyebrow. Without saying a word Brian slid the slim box and rose over to Justin.  Justin was about to slide it back when Brian said, "please take it." Justin nearly fainted Brian hardly ever said please other than during some hot steamy sex.  Justin took the package. Brian threw down some money and left.

Debbie saw the whole exchange that left Justin visibly shaken.  She gently hugged and said, "honey take a break." Grabbing the box Justin went into the break room.

Justin sat and looked at the rose.  Thinking to himself, if Brian had only done that a long time ago none of this would happened.  Tears slipped down his face as he fingered the soft petals. Justin untied the velvet blue ribbon and stuck it in his pocket.  He saw the CD, a band he didn't know intrigued by the cover graphics. The he noticed the missing wrapper. Angrily he pushed it away, a used CD was that all he was worth.  Confused he reached for the box nothing made
sense.  He opened the jewel case and saw a note stuck in it, J-listen, read the words-B.

Justin started to shake Brian listened to the CD he read the lyrics.  This was so out of character. Justin wanted to go home to listen but he had to work a couple more hours.  He shoved the CD into his pack and put the rose in water till he could go home then went back to work.

As Justin raced home he felt that he just worked the longest two hours in his whole life.  When he arrived at Ethan's apartment he prayed that Ethan wouldn't be there. Checking his watch he figured he had just enough time before Ethan came back from rehearsal.  He hurried in dropped his jacket and pulled the CD from his pack. He put the disc in his discman and then remembered the rose. Carefully removing it from his pocket he found a vase and put it in.  He wasn't
sure how he was going to explain the flower but he'd make something up.  Justin intended to keep the rose forever. Done he switched on the discman.

Assaulted by the noise of the first song he took out the lyrics and noticed the yellow highlighted passages of the 2nd and 7th song.  He advanced to the songs.

Lilacs & Lolita

So I'm sorry, as two hands open doors
Something serene to steal my life away
Climbing on the way up, sizing up the competition
Waiting for the right time,
To strike a chord and change your life
Don't you ever think for one-second that
I will forget the reasons that I cried.
You are no more potent than the words that choke me.
I sit and ask you two words.
But this is not a product, and we're not in a competition,
Waiting for the right time,
To strike a chord and change your life
Regret's how I spell your name.
In light of what you have done.
How can you not feel the same?
My love will fade with the sun.
As days go by, shed a tear.
I hate your face more than life.
I'll fake a smile for (you) my dear.
So turn away.
Climbing on the way up,
Sizing up the competition,
Waiting for the right time,
To strike a chord and change your life


Autumns Monologue

Oh, why can't I be what you need?
A new improved version of me.
But I'm nothing so good no, I'm nothing…just bones.
A lonely ghost burning down songs of violence, of love, of sorrow.
I beg for just one more tomorrow!
Where you'd hold me down, fold me in deep deep deep in the heart of your sins.
I'd break in two over you I'd break in two and each piece of me dies
and only you can give the breath of life!
But you don't see me.
You don't.
Here I'm, pinned between darkness and light, bleached and blinded by these nights.
Where I'm tossing and tortured till dawn by you, visions of you,
then you're gone.
The shock bleeds the red from my face, when I hear someone's taken my place.
How could love be so thoughtless, so cruel?
When all, all that I did was for you…
I'd break in two over you I'd break in two and each piece of me dies
and only you can give the breath of life!
But you don't see me.
You don't.
I'd break in two over you I'd break in two and each piece of me dies
and only you can give the breath of life!
But you don't see me.
You don't.
I'd break in two over you, I'd break in two over you!
Over you.
I'd break in two, I would break in two over you.
Now you see me, now you don't.
Now you need me, now you don't.

Justin listened again to the songs and then pulled off the headphones.  He started to sob; the words were pure Brian, his anger, his pain mixed with his love.  Justin continued to sob. Doubts entered his mind, doubts about Brian, Ethan and himself.  Justin wanted to listen to the whole CD but he heard Ethan at the door.
Justin shoved the CD back into his pack, wiped at his tears and faked a smile.
End of part one.