Brian arrived in Pittsburgh 12 hours after leaving.  He was exhausted physically and mentally. After stopping off at the loft for a couple hours of sleep the only place he wanted to be was with his kids but he couldn’t let them know he was upset.  Gus picked up on everything now so as he drove back to the house Brian created a story. He needed to pull this off.

The kitchen smelled of fresh baked goods and the chatter of his children made him smile.  “DAD!” Brinn shouted. She couldn’t get off the stool she was sitting on so reached for Brian. “Dad, cookies, Auntie letting us help. Want one?” Brian picked Brinn up and hugged her tight while making eye contact with his sister. “I love you.” Brinn kissed her dad several times all over his face.

“Hey, Pops.  How come you are home already? Did you have plane issues?”

Brian tried to make this light hearted.  “The problem with surprising someone is sometimes they are busy.  I got down there and found out your dad was swamped this weekend and wouldn’t have any time to do anything fun so I just thought I would come home and hang with you and now I am glad I did!” He picked up a cookie and Brinn and he took a bite of it. Brian put Brinn down on the stool and left the kitchen to bring his bag up to his room.  Entering their bedroom Brian looked around and then collapsed to his knees and the tears flowed. How could Sunshine do this to him? He said they would work it out when he came home.

Unsure how long he had been on the floor, he gathered his courage, washed his face, and called Michael.

Brian came back downstairs, “Hey, Claire, I hope you don’t mind a few extra people for dinner.  Since I have a free day I invited Michael, Ben and the kids over. Ben is at a conference so there will be three extra people.  Pizza is fine if you don’t want to cook. In fact if you want to go home to John, Tony, and Matti, we will be fine.”

“If you don’t mind I’ll stay here.  How about we have spaghetti and meatballs?”

“Yeah!” Gus jumped in.  As the cookies were finishing Gus slipped away to call his dad.  Something wasn’t right.

Justin woke up for the first time in weeks with no headache.  It was early morning when Jorge left. As he lay there he realized how much he missed his kids and, who was he trying to fool, he needed his husband.  He stretched and saw it was almost lunch time. In a couple days he would be back home and would try to rescue his marriage. What had he done? What had he been thinking.

Justin’s phone rang and he picked it up.  Gus! “Hey, Gus. Great timing! How are you?  How’s school going?” Gus was happy to hear his dad sounded like himself for the first time in a long time.

“Hey, Dad.  You sound great!  Pops said you changed your medicine.  Is your headache better?”

“It definitely is much better.  Sorry I have been so hard to deal with the last few weeks.”

“It wasn’t your fault.  I was surprise Pops was back already today.  You must be really busy. When he got back he said your schedule was too busy for you to spend time with him.”

“Ya,” Justin’s mind was flying.  Brian had been here? When? Why hadn’t he seen him?  And then his mind flashed to last night in the room as he gave his body to that stranger.  In his heart he knew Brian had been there. He had mixed feelings of wanting to run home right now and wondering how he would ever go home.  “Hey, I will be home in a few days, Gus. I miss you. See you very soon.”

“Bye, Dad.” Gus heard the surprise in Justin’s voice.  It was almost like he didn’t know Pops had been there. They probably had an argument and that was what he heard in his dad’s voice.  He hoped they would straighten this out soon. He missed them being really together as a family.

Gus looked for Brian and found him in the office. “Hey, Pops.  Did you and Dad have a fight? I just talked to him and I got the feeling something went on.”

“Well, Gus, you’re right but it isn’t anything for you to worry about.”

“You know that when adults say that is when we worry the most. You are going to work it out, aren’t you, Pop. You two always work it out.”

“I hope so, son, but your dad has to want to. Michael and the kids will be here soon.  Is your room picked up in case you end up playing video games?”

“It’s not bad but I will go double check.”

Michael arrived with the kids and JR started to play with Brinn right away.  She loved playing with that little girl and offered to watch her in her bedroom while Claire worked on dinner and Michael and Brian left the house.  They walked out to the old studio so no one would overhear them. He had grabbed a bottle and a couple glasses and poured each of them as soon as they were inside.

“Brian, what happened? You told me you were going to Miami for the weekend. You were gone 12 hours.  Did you even get there?

“Ya, I made it.  I made it to the hotel. I made it to Justin’s room.  I had gotten a key card at the front desk and snuck in the room to surprise him.”

“Was he surprised?”

“I was the one who was surprised when I saw….I saw Justin with someone else.”

“Justin? He was with….”

“He was taking it like a man.” Brian threw the glass across the room, shattering it into a million pieces. His heart did the same.

Michael hugged Brian as he cried.

After pulling himself back together, Brian said, “I’m not sure he wants to come back. He seemed pretty happy where he was.”

“What did he say when you talked to him?” Michael questioned.

“I didn’t talk to him.  In fact, he never knew I was there. I went back to the airport and took the first flight back.”

“Brian, you know Justin and I have had our ups and downs but I have never doubted he loves you and your kids.  He will be back.”

Brian’s phone rang then and he looked at it. It was Justin. “It’s him.  I’m going to answer it.” Michael wrapped his arm around Brian’s waist.

“Hey.”

“Brian, Baby. I ….. I don’t know what to say.”

“That makes two of us.  Are you coming home anytime soon or is the tour going indefinitely?”

“Baby, I will be home Wednesday.  Everything is done after that. I told them no more stops.  Brian, say something. Scream at me or yell at me. Please….” His voice drifted off as tears choked him up.

“There is nothing I can say on the phone.  I will see you Wednesday.” Brian hesitated, “I loved you so much.” It did not go unnoticed that Brian used the past tense. Justin’s intake of air was audible. Very softly Brian said, “I love you,” and the line went dead.

Gus took Hayden to his room to play XBox, or that’s what he thought they would do. Hayden made sure the door was locked after stepping in.

“Gus, are you scared to be with me now?”

“Why would I be?”

“Well, now you know I am HIV positive.”

“Ya, well, that is no big deal as long as you use protection.  I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it wasn’t a big deal for you but it isn’t a problem for me.  I am such a screw up….”

Hayden kissed him. “You are not a screw up.  You are sweet and caring and sexy as hell. I just want to….”

“Hayden, I am not sure I am ready for….” She kissed him long and hard.  He thought he might explode before they could do anything. “Hayden, I ...I almost got raped a couple weeks ago.  I know that’s gross. You probably don’t want anything to do with me. I mean he….”

Hayden gave him a little space, “Gus, come sit down with me.” She led him over to the oversized chair he had in his room. They sat side by side and her arms went around his neck. “Gus, I was raped several times. I am very glad you ….well, that it didn’t happen to you.  It’s scary and it’s painful but you can’t let it scare you off from sex because sex can be great. I know you were nervous the last time we were together but let me make you feel good instead of scared. She dropped to the floor between his legs. She stretched up and he met her lips as she undid his fly.  “Gus, relax and enjoy. I know I will.” She tried to prolong it. She looked him in the eye as she brought him closer and closer. And then it was over. She straightened his pants and crawled up on his lap. “Maybe someday you’ll be ready. Let me know when you are. I would love to be the first one.”

Someone was trying to get in Gus’ room.  “Gus! Hayden!” It was JR’s voice. Our dads are looking for you and I don’t think they are going to be happy if this door is locked.”  

“I’m coming,” Gus called.  When he opened the door he gave his sister a small hug.  “Thanks. You’re right they wouldn’t be happy.”

“My dad would have a fit if he knew you were messing around.”

“And what makes you think we were doing anything?” Hayden asked, looking at her foster sister.

“JR, we did not have sex.  We do like each other and we did kiss a little.” Gus looked at Hayden and then back at JR.  “My dad would be fine with it. Your dad on the other hand is too high strung.”

“Oh, by the way, we are supposed to go down to dinner.”

Hayden took Gus’ hand and held him in place for a minute.  “Does your family always get along like this?”

“No, we fight but we still always love each other.”

By the time Michael and the girls left Gus knew something was really wrong with Pops and he knew it had to do with his dad.  He hoped his dad got home soon so they could clear the air.

That evening in Miami,  Justin was beyond distraught.  He had made it through the book signing but he drank heavily during dinner in the hotel restaurant.  Tom could tell something was different with Justin. He almost feared Justin might do something dangerous or harmful.  

“Hey, Justin, how about we just head to your room tonight.  You really don’t look like you are in the mood to party tonight.”

Justin looked at him.  “Sounds like you are propositioning me.”

“I think you know you aren’t my type,Justin, because if I were interested in sex with men I would have already told you.  What happened in the last 24 hours?” Tom guided Justin toward the hotel elevator. “Let’s go up and you can cry on my shoulder and drink yourself into oblivion if you need to but let’s do it in your room.” Justin didn’t have enough fight in him to argue.

Justin slipped his arm around Tom’s waist and put his head on his shoulder. Tom draped his arm around Justin’s shoulder.  When the door slid opened, Tom led him to his room. Justin headed directly to the bar and poured a drink for both of them. “So what is up with you, Justin. You have been partying since I met you.  Today you are more, to put it bluntly, a drunk without a reason to live. What the hell happened?”

“Last night, I found the most amazing man.  He was gorgeous. He reminded me of my husband.  I miss him.” His words were a bit slurred and his eyes began to tear up. “We had been having some problems and I had just had it.  I needed a break. I just needed to have no responsibility for a while. And I told you about the medicine and the headaches. I stopped the meds two days ago and I really can tell the difference.  I am just thinking clearer. Well, I was,” he took another swallow. “I may have thrown away my family for a few nights of unattached sex. And it meant nothing. My beautiful daughter,” by now he had tears streaming down his cheeks, “My gorgeous son...just to feel like I had no responsibility.  What if I never get to feel him deep inside me again. I have ruined my life. Believe me when I say money is nothing without love.” Justin laid his head in Tom’s lap.Tom ran his fingers through Justin’s hair as he would have a child’s. He threw a blanket over Justin and tried to get comfortable as he dozed off.

The remainder of the tour Justin was very quiet.  He was pleasant at the book signings but at night he went to his room.  Tom was fairly sure he didn’t eat or drink once he was in there. He was a broken man compared to the one he had met nearly three weeks ago.

John stopped by after his mom told him something was going on. Brian never gave Claire details but she knew he needed someone to talk to and she didn’t think he would talk to her but her son could help.  

When Brinn heard John’s voice, she came running  from the living room where she had been playing “JOHN, MY JOHN!  Matti here?”

“I can see where I rank now.” John set Matti’s carseat down and picked up the little girl. “How have you been, Miss Thing? Do I get a kiss from my best girl?”

Brinn gave him a big hug and kissed him.  “I rock Matti.” and she wiggled until John put her down.

Claire walked in from the laundry room.  “I have these two. You two go talk.”

“Let’s go for a walk.  It is nice out today.” John grabbed Brian’s jacket off the hook and helped him slip it on.  He rested his hand on Brian’s back and guided him out. As they walked John linked his arm in Brian’s.    “Want to tell me about it?”

“I got to Miami and went to the hotel.  He had a man in his room. Actually, he had a man up his ass. He was having a great time.”

“What did he say when he saw you?.....He didn’t see you did he?”

“What happened to us, John? Life was great and then we both started stressing and Sunshine started that crazy med and then I screwed up  and then…..” Brian began to ramble faster and faster.

“When is he coming home?”

“Two days.”

“Have you talked to him? Does he know you were there?”

“Yes, he knows.  I talked to him Saturday.”

“So you haven’t talked to him since then?”

“No. He’s called but I haven’t picked up. I am just too mad as hell for what he did but then I am scared to death he  won’t come back.”

“Uncle Brian, do you mind if I call him?”

“Call him. I think he needs to talk to someone but it can’t be me right now.

“Brian, if any two people can work this out, it’s you two.  Tony and I love you both so much. You taught us what a relationship should be. John stopped and wrapped his arms around Brian.  John knew that was a risk because Brian never liked sentiment but today Brian held onto him tightly. This could be rough going.

After John spent some time with Brinn, he took Matti back home. Mary was waiting to cuddle the little boy for a while so John went to the office and called Justin. There was no answer the first call.  He texted and told him to pick up. He tried again 10 minutes later and this time Justin picked up. “Hey, John.”

“Justin, why didn’t you pick up the first time?”

“I wasn’t sure I could deal with this conversation.  There is no doubt you know by now.”

“How are you doing?  Is there anything I can do for you?” John knew he needed some support.

“Don’t be nice to me.  Yell at me. Just don’t hate me.  I couldn’t take that right now.”

“Justin, I am not going to act like I understand at all but I will always love you.  Do you want to talk about it?”

Justin began.  “I just started feeling like I couldn’t count on Brian to complete anything and after Valentine’s Day I just couldn’t do it anymore.  John, whatever Brian is picturing, probably happened. I had taken someone home each night but that last night was the first time I took it.  I don’t know why it felt different to me. Giving it to someone was obviously wrong but that last night, he reminded me so much of Brian, I just need to have it.  By that night I was off that crazy medication and I was thinking clearer. I was already wondering how he could forgive me. I would have to tell him but I never thought he would come down to patch things up.  I never…...John, I don’t know if I dare to come home. I am sure he won’t want me but our kids….” Justin dissolved at that moment.

“Justin, I’m going to meet you at the airport.  Send me your flight information. You can come home with me…”

“No, John.  I can’t face anyone else.”

“Ok, I will get the loft set up for you and Brian to meet at.  It isn’t going to help anyone if you put it off.”

“John, how is he?”

“He is exactly how you would expect him to be.  He figures you finally have moved on.” He wasn’t sure he should have said it but he had to be truthful. Justin had screwed up, literally.”

“Justin, get as much rest as you before you get home.  You will need it but Tony and I are here for you.”

“Thank you, John. I don’t know what I would do without you. I so need to see my kids.”

“I will work on that, Justin.  I love you.”

“Love you, too.”  The phone went dead.

Everyone was on edge.  Brinn was whiny wondering why her daddy wasn’t home.  Gus was just confused and was getting angry because no one would tell him anything. Brian just went through the motions.  

When John woke up on Wednesday morning Matti was still asleep so he thought he would take advantage of it. His hand traveled from Tony’s shoulder across his chest and then downward to his belly.  His finger began to dart in and out of his belly button and then decided he needed to explore a little more. He brought his tongue down to the navel and started flickering it in and out as his hand went down between Tony’s legs.  Tony had definitely woken up happy and quickly got involved.

“Mi Amore! Please let’s not waste time.  Matti could be awake any moment..“

John moved back up and positioned himself before entering his husband.  As John began to move he lowered his mouth to Tony. God, he loved this man and he couldn’t imagine doing what Justin did.  “Tony, promise me, we will never let things get so bad we can’t talk to each other.” His mouth crushed Tony’s and Tony’s arms wrapped around him tightly trying to get him even closer. John stopped moving buried in Tony hoping to prolong the ecstasy he was feeling at the moment. He tried focusing on Tony’s mouth than the fact he could feel him contracting around him. Tony’s hands began to move down John’s back pressing him in even deeper. A shudder ran through them both as John thrust three more times and then They exploded together.  There was nothing quiet about their love making and Matti started fussing.

“Damn, I wasn’t done with you.”  John started backing out when he heard his mom’s voice come over the baby monitor.

“Sweet boy, I think your daddies are a little busy right now.”

In one swift move Tony flipped John over and pinning him  to the mattress. “With your blessed mother taking Matti, I want to hear you beg.”  Tony began to nip, lick, and kiss every inch of his chest and then began to move lower.  His finger began to tease John’s pink bud. He lowered his head and dropped kisses around it and then thrust his tongue in as deeply as he could, tracing the rim over and over.  John was nearly frantic now.

“Oh, please, I do need you.  I’m begging, please, take me NOW!  Oh, please.” Tony entered agonizingly slow. He stayed in total control as John began to plead for relief from this exquisite agony. Tony made a minute move and John came to a screaming climax as Tony joined him.

“Mi Amore, you are my one and only love.  I will never leave you and if you should leave me my life would be over.”

“Antoni, oh darling, I love you. I plan to spend the rest of my life making you happy.”

John gave Brian no option but to be at the loft at 2:00 p.m.   He figured he would take Brinn with him and Justin would have about an hour with her before Brian arrived.  It was going to be a long day. He called his mom and she had Brinn ready when he arrived. Brian walked in just as John was buttoning Brinn’s jacket.  There was stress already etched on Brian’s face.

“Where is Brinn going?”

“She is going to see her Daddy.”

“My daddy!,” Brinn’s face lit up. “I see Daddy?”

Brian was about ready to object but the look on Brinn’s face stopped him. “Yes, Sweetheart, you can go see your daddy.” Brian scowled at John a bit. He knew he had been played but he also couldn’t deny Brinny. She missed Justin so much, almost as much as he did.

John looked back a bit defiantly.  “He may have screwed up but she doesn’t need to suffer because of it.” Brian nodded. “I’ll see you at 2:00 and remember, Brinn will be there. Brinn, give your dad a hug.  He looks like he could use one.”

Brinn threw her arms around his neck.  Her little mouth was close to his ear, “Love you, Dad.” She kissed his cheek.  

Brian’s arms went around her, “Oh, Brinny, I love you, too.”

An hour later Justin had landed and had just gotten his luggage when his phone beeped.  He looked at it. John was waiting at the pickup area. He rushed out the door and saw the Inn’s SUV waiting. Justin wrapped his arms around John and for a moment just held onto him tightly but then he heard a knocking.  When he looked up and saw his little girl smiling at him from inside the vehicle he ran to the door and opened it. Justin couldn’t say anything. He just held her.

“Justin, why don’t you strap her in and then sit next to her.”

Brinn wiped away tears running down Justin’s face. “Daddy, you sad?”

“No, Sweetheart, I am so happy to see you.” He went around the car and sat next to her. For the next half hour Brinn rambled on and on.  Justin understood most of what she said but he felt love oozing between them.

“Thank you, John. Thank you for bringing her.”

“I figured you could use a friendly face and that one I was sure of.” It was clear John’s face wasn’t all that friendly either.

Justin looked at him over the seat.  “I know, I don’t deserve a friendly face. I really f...screwed up,” he said glancing at Brinn.

In a calm tone not wanting  Brinn to get upset, he said, “What were you thinking? How could you do that to Brian. I know he isn’t perfect and I know he can be difficult but he loved you. Damn it he loves you.”

“Damn it.” Brinn’s sweet little voice repeated. “Daddy, are you happy again?” Brinn asked as Justin’s tears began again.

John pulled the SUV into one of the parking spots in front of the loft.  “I’ll get your bag. You take Miss Thing.” Once in the loft John gave Justin and Brinn space.  Justin just wanted to hold her. He read her story after story until she wanted to watch a movie. Justin started one and walked toward John.  

“Daddy, you stay.  No go away.” Brinn said, looking at her daddy.

“I will be right here with John, I promise.”

“Ok, you better.”

John handed Justin a mug of fresh coffee.  “Brian will be here in about 15 minutes. Do you want me to stay?  Do you want Brinn to stay?”

“No, I don’t want her here for this.  I can’t take the chance …..she can’t see either of us lose it on each other.  She has gone through far too much. “Do you think she will leave with you without too much fuss?” Justin asked.

“If I tell her she can come see Matti and with the promise you will come home after seeing her dad. She might go for it.”

Justin started putting Brinn’s jacket on after lots of coaxing.  “I promise to see you very soon, Sweetheart but I heard Matti needs his best friend right now.  I love you, Baby Girl. See you soon.”

As Justin said this and the elevator doors closed, Brian came around the corner on the staircase.  Brian waved at Brinn and stepped into the apartment. Justin followed him in and closed the door. Justin poured another cup of coffee for himself and one for Brian. When he handed Brian the cup, Justin couldn’t look at him.  He waited for Brian to say something.

Brian stared out the window as he drank about half the cup. Finally, he said. “Are your headaches better?”

“Yes, once I quit taking the medication.”

Brian finished the coffee.  Out of habit, Justin walked over and reached for the mug. “”What are you doing? Seriously, what the hell are you doing?  The last time I saw you some guy had is dick up your ass and now you want to just give me coffee and be the loving husband  I thought you were.” He stared at Justin now and Justin really wished he would look out on the street again.”

“I...am...so...sorry, Baby.  I don’t know….I never….I never meant to hurt you.” Justin sat on the sofa.

“You never expected me to find out?  Were you just going to come back and get into our bed and act like nothing happened.” As Brian spit out each word Justin tried to get smaller, like a child deflecting blows.

Justin began rocking back on the forth and softly said, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry….” he kept saying it over and over.

“Just shut up! I don’t care how many times you say you’re sorry.  Everytime I try to close my eyes I see you. I SEE YOU ON ALL FOURS SO TURNED ON YOU DIDN’T EVEN NOTICE ME. God, I love you and you……” Brian stopped and dropped onto the other end of the sofa. “Why? Wasn’t I enough for you?”

Justin dropped to the floor by Brian’s feet. “I’m sorry.  I really don’t know why….” He looked Brian in the eyes for the first time, “I am not blaming this on my medication but it was messing with my thoughts and I just felt like everything was weighing me down. I just needed a break and you and I….well, haven’t been in a good spot. I needed to just be free and I drank to much and..”

“Did it happen every night?”

Justin’s head dropped, “Tom had stuff planned each night. I just drank to forget and then I would just pick one to fuck. I’d then send him on his way. I just didn’t know how I would tell you so I just kept drinking and fucking. I just wanted you!  I wanted you to understand and I didn’t understand myself. By now Justin could barely breath.

Brian couldn’t stop himself.  He reached down and pulled Justin into his lap.  His voice was no more than a whisper. “Deep breaths, Sunshine, take deep breaths.” He pulled him close and held him until the trembling calmed.

Justin drifted  off to sleep. Brian smoothed his hair back and kissed his head. He still loved him so much and as much as he wanted to be with him physically he had lost all trust in him. How often had Justin felt this way because of things he had done? This wasn’t going to be easy but their life was worth anything it would take if they both wanted it.   Did Justin still want their family? Did he still want him?”

Justin stirred and when he realized where he was he quickly got up.”I’m sorry.  I shouldn’t have…”

“You shouldn’t have come to your husband for comfort when you needed it?” Brian stood and put a finger under Justin’s chin so he had to look him in the eye. “Sunshine, do you want to make this work? Make us work?”

“Oh god yes, Baby, yes I want us to be a family. I love you.  I love all of you so much.”

“Then get your bag and we’ll go home.  You can stay in the playroom for now.”

Justin stretched and brushed his lips on Brian’s, “Thank you.” He took a step back. “John took my bag.” Looking at Brian he said,  “I am ready to go home and do whatever it takes to fix our family.” For just a second they held each other, bodies pressed to each other.  Not being able to take the contact anymore without needing more, they separated.

“Let’s go home and start putting our lives back together.”  Brian stated as they walked to the car.

Brinn came running to her dads as they walked in and began rambling about Matti being there and she had helped Auntie take care of him.  By the time she was done they were both laughing. Justin picked her up and held her tight. “I missed you so much, beautiful.”

“Love my daddy,” She showered Justin’s face with kisses. She then glanced at Brian and reached one arm toward Brian so he leaned toward her.  She kissed his cheek as she wraps her arm around his neck. “Daddies kiss,” she pulled them toward each other. Their eyes met and their lips barely touched. Brian quickly backed off.

“Sweetheart, I should go see Gussy.  You stay here with your dad, OK? I will be back down soon.”  After giving him a big kiss she threw herself toward Brian who caught her midair.

“Someday, young lady, One of us is going to drop you.” Brian walked off with her.  

Justin watched Brian set her down by her toys. As she began to pull things off the shelves, Justin went to talk to his son knowing he would not be as forgiving as that beautiful little girl. He knocked on Gus’ door. “Can I come in?” Justin said. He heard rustling and the door flew open.  Gus tried to act cool but gave Justin a big hug. Justin pulled him tight knowing he may not be able to do that again for a long time.

“DAD! When did you get back?”

“I flew in this morning and met with your Pops at the loft so we could talk.”

Gus smirked, “I bet you didn’t do much talking. Can I tell you what happened?  Hayden was over here and she wanted to have sex but I told her about what happened with Brody and she was really cool about it and told me she knew what that felt like and she was really nice to me.  But, we didn’t have sex because I know it just wasn’t a good time.”

Justin pulled him close and kissed him. “Gus, we need to talk.” He took his hand and led him to the chair Gus had shared with Hayden earlier that week. “Sit down.” Gus did.

“Dad, what’s wrong? You’re making me nervous.”

Justin couldn’t look at him.  He turned and stared into the fire that was burning. “Gus, I  messed up really bad. Your dad and I still love each other very much but right now we can’t be together but we are going to work on it because we want our family to be together.  We both love you and Brinn so much. I don’t want my mess up to affect you, either of you.”

“Dad, is that why Pops came right back last weekend?”

Justin nodded and took a deep breath. “I didn’t know he was coming and when he came into my hotel room…..I wasn’t alone.”

“I’m sure Pops knows you make new friends when you are gone.  He wouldn’t mind that unless…” Justin glanced at Gus and could see him processing.  “Dad, did you….you were with someone else?”

Justin nodded, “When Brian arrived I was with someone else.”

Gus jumped up, “Why would you do that?  You love Pops and he loves you? He saw you! How could you do that to him? Is he your boyfriend now?  He is moving up here?”

“No, Gus, he was just someone I met.  I will never see him again.”

“Was he the only one you were with?”

Justin had hoped he wouldn’t go there because he wouldn’t lie.  “No, Gus, there had been others on this trip but only on this trip.”

“Why?” Gus shouted.  “You just told me how important it is to be with someone you really like, not to just fuck around but then you do it?”

“Gus, you know when I left things weren’t great between Brian and me….”

“So loving him didn’t matter did it?  Obviously sex isn’t nearly as special as you made it sound to me. I guess if it feels good I should do it.” He glared at Justin.  “Get the hell out of my room. Don’t talk to me. Don’t even look at me! Is Pops actually letting you stay here? Get out!”

Justin felt like he had been hit by a bullet to the heart.  He left the room and stood there not really sure where he should go.  Brian didn’t want to see him. He went into the playroom where he found many of his belongs had already been moved in by someone. He texted Brian and said Gus might need him. He mindlessly started putting things away, clothes in drawers and personal items in the bathroom. He heard the door knob turn and Brinn came in. Brian nodded at Justin making sure he was aware she was there and he shut the door again.Justin was thankful Brinn was too young to understand and just loved him.

Brian knocked on Gus’ door but there was no answer. Brian turned the knob and it opened.  Gus was playing a video game that Brian wasn’t sure he should have. It was obviously very violent and Gus didn’t even realize Brian was there. “Gus.” Brian said not too loudly.  Gus still didn’t hear him. “Hey, Gus,” he touched Gus’ shoulder. Gus reacted almost violently. He pulled away and looked like he might strike him.

“Oh, sorry.” He mumbled under his breath. He turned off the game and looked at Brian.

“How come you let him come back?  How can you even look at him? He is a liar and a cheat.”

“Oh, Gus.” Brian pulled him close. “I could sure use a hug if you have one to give.” Gus put his long, gangly arms around his dad and hung on tight. “I know you don’t understand but I really love your dad and I know he screwed up and it won’t be easy for us to recover but, Gus, I can’t throw our love, our family out.”

Pulling away, Gus said, “But, Pops, did you actually see him in bed…”

“Stop!  I don’t want to think about that. I don’t want you to be thinking about that.  I have made a lot of mistakes. I pushed him…..no, it wasn’t my fault, but i didn’t support him. And the headaches he was having didn’t help.”

“How can you stand up for him? How can you support him?”

“Gus, no matter what you do I would support you.  When you ran away, it was a mistake. We never stopped loving you. I can’t stop loving him over night.  I don’t think I could ever stop loving him.”

“So are you just going to act like nothing happened are you going to have…..are you sleeping with him?”

Brian put his hand on Gus’ shoulder and said, “Justin will be sleeping in the...big room  at the end of the hall. Gus, I don’t expect you to be able to forget this happened but, Gus, he loves you and has he ever done anything to hurt you?  Think about it, Gus. Just because he and I have to work some stuff out doesn’t mean you have to hate him. Gus, if you want to love him it won’t hurt me.  It will mean Justin and I have done a good job raising you.”

“But, he hurt you!”

“I can take care of myself.  Just forgive him when you are ready. If you don’t it will break his heart and that will break mine.”

Gus nodded. “I’ll think about it.”

The next several days was very uncomfortable. Justin stayed in his room as much as he could when Gus and Brian were in the house.  When it was just Brinn he spent time in the kitchen. Both Becca and Claire didn’t ask questions and stayed out of his way. Justin hadn’t talked to anyone but Brinn since he spoke to Gus.  He had eaten very little since he returned and now both Becca and Claire were getting worried. By the fifth day, Becca had to talk to him.

“Justin, eat this.” She set some yogurt in front of him.  “You can’t do this to yourself, if not for you, for your daughter.  Justin, I don’t know exactly what happened. I don’t want to know, but you need to talk to someone.”

John walked in with Matti. After the appropriate greeting to Brinn Becca took the kids and John walked over to Justin. He noticed how drawn and pale he was. “You need to eat and you need to talk to someone.  Both of you do. Damn it, Justin, say something.”

“Where’s Brinn?”

“Becca has her and Matti.  Justin,” John turned Justin’s head so he was looking at him, “You have grieved long enough.  Now it is time to start healing.” Tonight, Brinn and Gus are coming to our place tonight. Becca will bring them.  You and Brian are going to talk with Blake. He is coming here and he is staying here until you two work something out.  He said he’d stay the whole weekend if he needed to. Ted and their son are out of town anyway.”

When Gus arrived home John was waiting for him. “Hey, Gus, your dads need some time alone tonight. Are you willing to come to the Inn with me for the night? Brinn is already there.” John looked over at  who looked hesitant, “What’s wrong, Gus?

“Do you think I could stay with Peter and Becca?  Not that I don’t want to come to your place but I want to be close if Pops needs me.”

“What if your dad needs you?”

“I’m haven’t talked to him since the night he came home,” he changed the subject.  “I’ll text Becca.” Becca came back saying that was fine.

As John left the house he quickly called Becca and let her know what was going on and what time in case Gus needed to come back.  

“John, I am going to try to talk Gus into talking to Justin.  It’s killing him.”

“I hope you have better luck than I do.”

Becca walked up to the house and met Gus just before he walked out. “I could have walked to your place by myself.”

“I know that, Gus, but I wanted to talk to you here. I can see how much you are hurting.”

Gus’ look went downcast.  “Pops is hardly ever here because he can’t stand to see Dad without without all the feelings coming out.”

“Gus, what about your feelings? Do you love your Dad?”

“That’s a stupid question.”

“Don’t you think he has suffered enough?  He loves you so much, Gus. He can’t eat. I doubt he has even slept more than a couple hours a night.  I understand you were angry with him but, Gus, you’ve made mistakes and Justin loved you through it.”

Gus was nearly in tears. Very quietly he said, “I really miss my dad.”

“Go tell him.  I’ll take your clothes.  Come over after your talk.” Becca hugged him. “Would you rather I wait for you?”

“No, I’ll be there in a little bit.  I need to talk to you about a friend, too.”

Gus looked up the staircase to  Justin’s room. He had wanted to do this for a while but he wasn’t sure what to do or say.  He got to Justin’s door and he knocked.

Justin was surprised when he heard someone at his door.  He walked over and opened the door. “Gus!”

“Can we talk?”

Justin stepped to the side and Gus walked in.  “Dad,” Gus’ voice cracked. “I miss you so much.” He took a step toward Justin and Justin pulled him close.  Gus continued, “I have done a lot of stupid things and you always forgive me. And Pops told me to forgive you because you love me and it hurts you when I am mad at you.”

Justin hadn’t said anything else yet. “Dad? Are you Ok?”

“Yes, Gus, I love you so much.  I have missed you. I am sorry, I really am sorry.”  Justin’s voice wavered as he spoke. Justin kissed Gus several times. “Thank you, Gussy. Thank you.”

“I know you and Pops are going to talk tonight so I am going to Pete and Becca’s.  If either of you need me, just use the intercom.”

“Gus, you don’t have to put up with our problems.  We will work it out.”

Gus hugged him tightly. “I am really glad you’re my dad.”  He ran down the steps and was gone.

Justin had a large smile on his face when he answered the door for Blake. It surprised Blake since he had heard Justin was completely withdrawn but he did see how thin he was. “Come in.  Brian’s not home yet.”

“I have to say it was nice to see you smiling when I got here.”

“Well, Gus and I just had a talk.  I wasn’t sure he was ever going to forgive me.”

“What happened, Justin.  John doesn’t know the details. He just knows that the people that love you are worried about you.”

“Want some coffee while I talk?”

They sat down with mugs and Justin started with Valentine’s Day and moved forward.  

He told him about the stress he had been feeling and talked about the medication mixup and the headaches that caused. “I just didn’t know what to do anymore.” As Justin said this he noticed Brian standing behind them.

“Well,  hope you haven’t convinced him I was solely to blame for you fucking around.”  Brian held up his hand, “I’m sorry, it was a long day. Hi, Blake, I heard you were going to be here. Are you going to solve all our problems tonight?”

“I am hoping I can get you two talking again. Justin was not bashing you at all, Brian. In fact I would almost say he was being generous when it comes to your behavior leading up to the tour and to deminishing how pain can make us act.”

Brian really looked at Justin for the first time. His hand reached out and touched his cheek.  “You don’t look very good.”

Blake looked a bit confused.  “You have been living in the same house. How come you haven’t seen each other?”

Brian couldn’t stop looking at Justin.  He was gaunt and his face was shadowed. “It’s a big house.  I have been at the office about 12 hours a day.”

Justin spoke up, “I have been staying in my room until he leaves in the morning and I am in my room long before he comes home.”

“So you two haven’t talked over any of this?” Blake looked shocked. “I just figured you were just arguing all the time. Instead you haven’t talked at all. Let’s sit over here.” Brian and Justin sat on opposite end of the sectional while Blake pulled up a nearby chair.

“Justin, talk to Brian. I know this sounds like what a TV counselor would say but ….tell him what you were feeling before you left.”  

“I was upset he blew off Valentine’s Day.”

“Justin, talk to him, not me.”

“You knew I was stressed and you just left.  I didn’t even know you were leaving town until you were gone.  I just needed a break. I needed you to pick up a little of the slack here at the house but, Baby, I am not blaming you for what I did.  It was totally my fault. I,”

“Justin,” Blake stopped him.  We aren’t talking about blame right now.  We are talking about your feelings. I hear you saying you felt abandoned by Brian emotionally.”

Justin nodded. “Ya, I did.” He turned to Brian, “I love you so much and you just couldn’t figure out what I needed.”

Brian nodded, trying not to talk until he was given direction.

Now Blake looked at  Brian. “Did you know he was feeling like this?”

Brian stared into space.  “I did but it wasn’t what I was focused on. I know I made a big mistake.  I could have done more to make up for it before the tour.”

“That’s insightful, Brian.” Blake stated. “Brian, can you tell Justin what you were feeling when you went to meet him in Miami.”

“Sunshine, I knew I had messed up and then messed up by not being authentic in my apology. I love you and I hurt you so I thought I would try to make up for it by surprising you.”

“And when you got there? And saw what you saw?”

“I was devastated. When I left that night I felt I had left my heart, my soul behind. Sunshine, we had made a commitment when we got married.  I never expected to find….”

“Let’s stop a minute, guys. Continuing to stir up mistakes isn’t moving you forward just like not talking doesn’t change anything.  What is the outcome you want?”

At the same time the both said, “To have our family back together.”

“To heal your family, you have to communicate.  You have to live your lives normally. And that means both of you are going to have to make time for family time but also time for the two of you. Brian, no more marathon work days and, Justin, you  need to move back into your room. If I have one suggestion…Don’t rush into the physical. I know that is very important in your relationship but healing a heart is a lot like healing a wound. If you pull the band aid off to soon the healing has to start over. Make sure you are healed.”  Brian and Justin looked at each other. “This is your friend talking now. I know you and I know your hearts. You can work this out and I know you are committed to your family. If you need me to come out again or if you want to come in let me know. “Time heals wounds and communication is the salve to speed it up.”

After talking about their kids for a few minutes Blake said, ”Hey, guys, I have a quiet house waiting for me  and a movie I have been dying to see that Ted has no interest in. Please call me if you have anything I can help with.  Oh, and something we haven’t mentioned is I heard what happened with Gus. It sounds like he is doing well but if he needs to talk I will hook him up with someone he feels comfortable with but I am thinking the two of you have done a good job.  It would have been a different story if you hadn’t stopped it.” Blake smiled when he saw Brian take Justin’s hand. “You need to talk, touch, hold each other, and when the time is right, I have no doubt you know what to do.”

The house was so quiet after Blake left, it was almost uncomfortable for a minute. “Let me make you some dinner,” Justin volunteered.

“You don’t have to wait on me. Unless there is something ready to throw in a pan, would you like Chinese or pizza?”

“Chinese.” Justin said.

Brian went on his phone and put in an order.

He couldn’t seem to speak to Brian in full sentences yet.  Everything was so foreign. It was like they had just met but had an instant family.  “Gus talked to me tonight.”

“I’m glad.  He misses you a lot.”

“He told me you encouraged him to forgive me.”

“Your love for him hadn’t changed. I am fairly sure your love for me hasn’t changed. It has just gotten messy. We are both to blame and it will take both of us to make it right.”

“What do you want to drink? Should I make some hot tea?”

“Sure, that sounds good.” Brian walked over to the stove where Justin had just put the water on to heat.  He put his arms around Justin’s shoulders and pulled him against him in an embrace. In silence they stood there without saying a word. They didn’t move until the doorbell rang. Justin quickly finished the tea as Brian got the food.

They ate at the table with minimal conversation Just enjoying each other’s presence. It was familiar.  They fed each other bites of their favorite foods and Brian began to reach out and caressed Justin’s cheek and then traced his lips with his thumb as his hand rested under Justin’s chin so he couldn’t break eye contact.. “It nearly killed me seeing you…” He lightly brushed his lips against Justin’s. “I’m glad you ate something.  You are too thin. You are also very quiet.”

“I just don’t  know what to say. I fucked up so bad and you still love me.”

“We will always love each other.  We just have times we have trouble liking each other. Sunshine, go move your stuff back to our room and I will clean this up.” Once more Brian brushed his lips against Justin’s and he started cleaning up.

An hour later they were in the bedroom.  Wearing shorts and T shirts they lay side by side.  Justin’s hand moved until he touched Brian’s. Brian’s fingered interlaced with Justin’s.  He tugged on his hand a bit. “Come here, Sunshine.” Brian wrapped his arms around him and pulled him close.  We aren’t done talking but we are for tonight. I think we both need to touch.

Justin’s mouth grazed Brian’s ear, “I am so sorry.” His tears began to dampen Brian’s shirt as Brian’s arms held him tight.