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CHAPTER 47 - AGAIN SO STOOPID AND THE KABOOM


ZEE


“Who was Archie?” Vance questions.


“A friend of ours. So since you had a gun, why not use that to shoot me?” I ask, pausing by the door before taking the first aid kit. Vance looks confused. “Were you going for an ironic tilt of ‘hoisted by your own petard’? Anyway, whilst you ruminate on your many, many mistakes, let me explain Archie. He and Brian were good friends; he was well liked by many people, amongst them Joel Savakrio.” 


“Joel Savakrio?” He groans. “The drug dealer? How did he know him?”


“Same way you do. Did time with him; and on hearing of his death at your hands, I’m sure he won’t hold a grudge either. Of course, that is dependent on you surviving this in the first place.”


I enjoy the panic flickering across his face as I approach. “Oh, worry not, I’m not going to do anything to you, apart from patching you up a bit…” I take pleasure from his confusion as I play Mary Seacole. “There, all done; at least we’re covered should you be blown to smithereens. By which I mean, they will at least be able to find traces amongst your remains that we did administer aid. Now, I need to explain the UGV...”


“Ugh…”


“Unmanned ground vehicle, he’s called Roger...oh, my bad, you were groaning in pain, weren’t you? Anyway, he is how you and Brian can communicate. We’d like him back in one piece, so make sure to enunciate.” 


EXPLOSIVE ORDNANCE DISPOSAL [EOD] VEHICLE - EIGHT MINUTES LATER


JUSTIN


Zee gets in with a smile. “All set?” I ask as she sits on the sofa. She nods, then jerks her head at my gannet of a husband. “Brian, stop eating and concentrate on…” 


“Before you finish that sentence, taste.” Brian holds a forkful under my nose, it smells great. 


“If it will get you to concentrate, then fine!” I take it from him. “Mmmm...hmmm!” I moan after I finish eating the pot roast chicken in Thai curry sauce. “Who cooked this?” I demand whilst crossing my fingers, as I’m hoping for Alice! That way I don’t mind the decimation of this one by those with healthy appetites so much. “Don’t you dare! We need to find out first!” I growl at Faal as he turns the bird over, he’s going for the oysters! 


“Ems did.” Drew swats Faal’s hand away, and my hopes die. “The rules state that the partner of the chef gets the oysters!”


“Don’t worry, baby.” Ems gives me a one armed hug before starting to break it down. “I’ve sent the recipe to Alice, she’ll have that and the Thai yellow fish curry ready and waiting for you.”


“Fish curry?” Ben echoes. “Can you send it to me as well? I think that might be a plan for dinner tomorrow. Let me call Steve, that way he can at least get the fish ordered in advance…”


“Only you have a fishmonger on standby 24/7!” Drew teases before turning to Ems. “I don’t have that do I?”


“Drew, why don’t you seemingly want fish curry?” Ben frowns.


“He does, just not today, he’s got Mexican fish tacos instead.” Ems replies whilst Brian and Faal both wince. “I know, I know! I don’t get it either, just why can’t he stick to one country when it comes to food? Mexico and Thailand aren’t even on the same flavour spectrum, it’s an oddity that I’ve come to love; not understand, but love.”


“And what is waiting for me, Lig?” Faal joins her on the sofa.


“Saffron fish pie.” She replies before rubbing her back. “Can you check for bruising?” She leans forward. Just as he lifts her top, her phone beeps. She smiles after checking the message. “How weirded out and scared do you think he is now?”


“Very. Also, the pain in his arm and trying to remember how he wired that contraption is keeping him....” Faal replies as he checks her back. “...wait, is it mash or filo pastry?”


“Mash.” She replies. “Am I all good?”


“Is this a test pie or has he had it before?” Brian smiles at my expression; he knows how much I love her mash. 


“You are all good, Lig, it shouldn’t come up too badly. I’ve got arnica, want me to apply some?” She kisses his nose. “And it’s a test pie, so you’re going to have to wait until…”


“Or you could invite us for dinner?” I hint. “If we call Alice now, then…”


“What kind of fish is in the pie?” Blake looks thoughtful.


“Cod or haddock, skin on, plus undyed smoked cod or haddock, prawns and skin on salmon. Although, I have done it opposite, so cod with smoked haddock…”


“Oh, that would be great with the La Voute we got you for your birthday last year Justin!” Blake enthuses; Ted and I nod in agreement! Alice did beer battered fish and chips - big fat crispy ones - and we drank it when we had them round for dinner. “Or how about something from Chile, what do you think, Faal?”


“Yeah, maybe…”


“Or a Meursault?” Brian interrupts. “Remember, we’ve got the 2016 to drink, which I know you’ve been dying to try....what’s so funny, Ems?”


“We’re standing around in an EOD with a sofa in it, discussing food and wine, and...wait, a test pie? In that case I have to be there!”


“I kinda thought you would be.” Zee frowns. “Didn’t I tell you this was a test pie?”


“No, you most assuredly did not!” He protests. “Why did you think I bought the chicken? I knew we wouldn’t be seeing you for a few days after this, so, I wanted to get your view before you go on your…”


“Excuse me!” A voice booms from the screen, we turn to it in surprise. 


BRIAN


“What can we do for you?” I ask Vance, who has managed to sit up. “The door’s locked…” I advise as he slowly starts to stand. “...to contain the blast.” He slumps back down. “Recalling anything?” 


“Would you believe me if I said yes?” His scowling makes us chuckle.


“I might, but then again I might not.” I reply. “So shall we start? Can you at least remember where you looked this travesty up? It will give us a starting point.” 


“No, oddly enough, I thought it would be best if that was deleted from my browser history.” Is his terse response. 


“So what would you have done after you were done with Justin?” I pat my lap and Justin settles down. “We’re waiting.”


“Nothing.” Considering his current predicament, the sly smile is unexpected. “Because I would’ve ruined the pair of you....”


“By fucking me raw I take it?” Justin rolls his eyes. “So? We would’ve gone back to condoms for a bit, until we got the all clear, and…”


“But supposing you didn’t get the all clear? Supposing I gave you something?” Justin’s snickering causes him to frown. “And what’s so funny?!”


“Well, since you’ve not done anything but stick coke up your nose and around your gums, I doubt it. Unless…”


“You recalling how you did it at Sapperstein’s bash?” Vance taunts.


“Seriously? You with a bomb vest on, which you can’t remember how to disarm; me, the person who knows how to disarm it, absolutely loathes you, and that was before you shot two of my friends. So tell me how you sassing my husband is wise?”


“Let me answer his question, Brian? No, I’m not having a recall, we knew you did it.” Even I’m surprised by that, and it shows. “Iggy chose to be accommodating, not obstructive; so he had Cody follow him.”


“Iggy? You spoke to his drug dealer?! And you’re back in touch with Bell?!” I growl, then wince when Faal gives me a Debs tap on the back of my head. “Sorry, forgot that Zeus and him had reached an accord.”


“You twat!” Justin chuckles. 


“How do you know how to defuse the bomb…” Vance demands. “...you said that you knew, so how?”


“Your laptop.”


“My laptop?”


“For frigging hell sake, how ripped were you?!” Justin seethes. “You left the laptop and your, loaded with real bullets, gun in the car after you kidnapped…”


“Well that explains why he used mine, good job I had it pre-loaded!” I hear Zee guffaw and cringe.


“Yeah, not the sharpest tool at the best of times, but ripped, he’s utterly incompetant! Anyway, back to the laptop: Zeus has been working on it, and we think we’ve got it. Oh, by the way, Zeus is Zee’s elder brother...” I nudge Justin, who smiles. “...who as luck would have it, ours not yours, is behind you.”


FOYER - SECONDS LATER


VANCE


“I’m not falling for that!” I snap, before forcing myself to keep looking at either the screen or the vest. 


“But you really want to look don’t you? And I mean with every fibre of your skanky, balding, ugly being you want to look!” Justin sneers. “Could you move your bulbous head out of the way? You’re blocking his line of vision.” I’m now stuck, because if I lift my head, I know I’ll check behind me, but if I don’t move, he can’t help me.”Is there a timer on that thing?” 


“No.” I reply, then Kinney looks away and there’s mumbling. 


“Up you get. Need to piss!” Kinney orders.


“So, shall we get to know each other a bit?” I blink rapidly. “You’re very lucky they were blanks. Stupid to shoot her though, so why did you? They already had their guns drawn, you’d have been stabbed, explain it to me.”


I swallow so hard my ears pop. I taste sweat and snot as my nose begins to run, but I’m too scared to sniff. I look at the screen, Justin’s face is impassive. “The quicker you answer him, the quicker we get that off you.” He prompts.


It’s no good. Slowly I shift around, and find myself looking at a very calm looking, but eyes blazing with fury, large man. “You’re really here?” I croak.


“Yep.” He replies from the top of the stairs. “You should know that Brian never lies.” Whilst I’m pleased that he remains where he is, when he takes off his jacket, the very large gun has me struggling not to piss myself!


“How do I know that you’re not going to shoot me anyway?!” I quail.


“You don’t.” He replies. “Well…”


“I’ve got nothing to lose anyway. I hate her, I hate her even more knowing that she’d fooled me all this time!” 


“She didn’t fool you, you assumed, therefore making an ass out of yourself. Not her fault, and definitely not the fault of my niece or nephew, who you also tried to kill.” He takes one step. “Sit down. Door’s locked, remember?” He takes another step, but this time to the side, then frowns. “Take off your jacket, need to see the back.” I obey quickly; then cringe as he snickers. “A corset? No, not a corset, a bustier. You’re wearing a bomb bustier? Given where the front ends on you, how were you going to fuck Justin with that on? You would have to be at least nine inches, and you don’t strike me as the type to be anything bigger than a two at full mast!”


“And that’s being generous!” Justin scoffs. “Saw him once, he’s also circumcised…”


“How close were you to see that?!” Zeus demands, whilst my body and soul are aflame with humiliation and fear.


“Next urinal. I saw him peek, so I peeked back. Also seems to wax down there, bald as a coot. Cynthia wasn’t surprised, always thought he talked too much!”


“He and Cynthia?!” Someone gasps.


“No, fuck no! And don’t ever let her find out you thought that!” 


“Actually, it was the other way around, and I shot her down in flames.” Despite my current circumstances, I can’t resist that barb, since she made it very clear that she found me repulsive...her words before she quit!


“Really? Cynthia, the beautiful blonde who works for Kinnetic, you turned that fine lady down?”


“Yes…” I turn back to Zeus. “...how do you know her?”


“Girlfriend, over two years…” I almost choke what little saliva I have. “...I talk the talk and walk the walk; sometimes when we’re done, she can’t. But back to the bustier at hand….yeah, looking at this, I can remove it without blowing you up.”


“Aww! I was looking forward to taunting him some more!” Justin pouts. 


“Face the screen.” Zeus orders. Again I obey quickly; trying to keep my groans of pain as quiet as possible. “All done. Get up!”


“What happens now?” I ask.


“You walk to the door and you don’t look back.” He growls. My legs are shaking as I make my way across the foyer. I’m almost sick as I hear a click, then the door swings open. “Keep going.”


“There’s nothing out there. There’s no-one.” I stop walking


“We know. In this space, nobody can hear you scream.” l pause, but start walking again when I hear his annoyed sigh. “Keep going, you’re almost there.” I see the robot as it passes. “Stop. Now you can turn around.” 


I take my time. “Oh  do hurry up, although I’m not adverse to shooting you in the back.” I freeze at Kinney’s draw; then turn to face him, his sardonic smile wreathes his face. “Did you really think I was going to let Zeus have all the fun?” He nods at the bomb bust...belt; Zeus hands it to him before holstering his gun and walking past me. Brian examines it in silence before tossing it into the foyer and shutting the door. 


“Let’s go have a little chat.” He orders as he approaches. I’m surprised to find him unarmed. We walk towards the edge of the driveway in silence. “Oh, just one thing I’ve got to do before we speak.” He turns then points something at the house, I almost fall back as it explodes, the ground shakes and the noise is deafening, but Brian is unfazed.


“What the fuck?!” I exclaim.


“I could’ve done that at any time.” He smirks.


“You could’ve...what do you mean you could’ve?!” I yell.


“Zaden had the remote.” My jaw drops. “Two rules of bomb making: one, always ensure there’s a dead man’s finger; and two, don’t put the remote in the same trunk as your kidnap victim!” 


BRIAN


“I never touched him!” I protest, looking down at a suddenly unconscious Vance, the smell of whom is making me shudder.


“I know that.” Zeus frowns; when he kneels over him, he is up very quickly. “Now this, this…” He gestures to the befouled Vance. “...normally, that only happens to the dead, but he’s still alive, so she got evil. Wondered where the diazepam went.”


“Who?”


“Zaden. Diazepam and cocaine, are a combination you don’t want. Suspect she put it on the dressing, and...” We look up at the sound of footsteps, but it’s not Zaden, it’s a smiling Justin. “...not Zaden then?”


“Nope.” He looks very proud of himself. “Am I in trouble for not telling you?” He looks coquettishly at me. “I do hope so.”


“You do? Okay, let me see. I know, because you didn’t tell me, we’re not going to test the pie!” I declare as I lead him back to the EOD; I roar with laughter as he looks like he’s going to cry. “Okay, I suppose I could make sweet, tender, but very vigorous love to you as well!”


“Oh, thank god, don’t say things like that when it comes to mash!”



Pot roast chicken: 

https://www.deliciousmagazine.co.uk/recipes/pot-roast-chicken-in-thai-curry-sauce-with-citrussy-jasmine-rice/

Thai yellow fish curry: https://www.deliciousmagazine.co.uk/recipes/thai-yellow-fish-curry/

Mexican fish tacos: https://www.deliciousmagazine.co.uk/recipes/mexican-fish-tacos/

Saffron fish pie: https://www.deliciousmagazine.co.uk/recipes/saffron-fish-pie/

 

Chapter End Notes:

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