Chapter 20

“Hey,” Justin whispered, his voice betraying his real emotions. He had never been able to hide them well and right now his voice displayed the emotional turmoil he was feeling.

“Hey, everything okay?” Brian asked as he walked over to the door of the loft where Justin was hovering, but not really making his way inside.

“Yeah...no... maybe,” Justin stammered, before he sighed and forced himself to pull the metal sliding door shut.

“You're scaring me here,” Brian admitted as he took his boyfriend in his arms. Justin had been acting weird for a couple of days now, but Brian had mostly just blamed it on stress. He knew that Justin was heavily involved in planning his sister's birthday party and had met with his mother several times in recent days. It had to be quite some party they were planning. And in addition, Brian knew that the whole marriage issue was still on Justin's mind even though he tried to hide it. He knew the younger man and he knew how romantic and sentimental his twat could get, so he had figured that that might have also played a part in Justin's weird mood in recent days. Brian had tried to give him some space and time to muddle through it on his own, making it clear that he would be there when Justin was ready to talk. Maybe that was now.

Justin sighed, looking at Brian from glassy eyes. “I am sorry... I don't mean to...”

“Just tell me what's going on,” Brian urged gently, leading Justin over to the sofa where he sat down with him. “You've been acting weird for days now.”

“I know... I am sorry, Brian.”

“Just tell me how I can help,” Brian urged his boyfriend, running a gentle hand over Justin's tense shoulders. “Jeez, you're so tense. Are you okay?”

“I need to talk to you, Brian,” Justin whispered, looking at his boyfriend from slightly scared eyes.

“I figured that much,” Brian mumbled, not liking the tone and demeanour of his boyfriend. “Can you just tell me what this is about because right now my mind is going crazy with possible scenarios.”

Brian watched as Justin took a deep breath, then took his hand and held onto it gently, squeezing it every once in a while.

“You know I met with my mom a couple of days ago to help her prepare Molly's birthday party.”

“You've been meeting with her almost every day,” Brian pointed out.

“Actually, no, I haven't.”

Brian frowned, not liking where this was going. “Okay... so... who have you been meeting with?”

“Melanie.”

“Melanie?”

Justin just nodded, knowing that he needed to elaborate more. Before he got a chance to, Brian spoke once more.

“Is something wrong with Gus?”

Justin could hear the concern in his boyfriend's voice and couldn't help but smile gently. Brian was such a loving, dedicated father. He loved Gus with all his heart and would do whatever he had to for the small boy.

“No, he's alright. I... I have been meeting with her about you.”

“Me?” Brian eyed Justin from confused eyes, but then something clicked in his head and his face fell. “You're ending things,” he said flatly, freeing his hand from Justin's grasp and getting up from the sofa. He made his way over to the bedroom and started opening a drawer when he noticed that Justin had followed him. Not daring to look at him, Brian just asked the one question that mattered in a voice that tried to hide the pain and hurt he felt. “Where are you sending me off to?”

“Brian, it's not like that.”

Brian turned around and met Justin's sad eyes head on. “Where?”

Justin ran his hands over his face, realising how wrong he had gone about this thing. How could Brian think he would break things off after they had just told each other they would get married in an instant just a couple of days ago?

“I am not ending things. You have it all wrong, Brian. I am not breaking up with you. Christ, I told you I wanted to marry you just days ago. Why would I break up with you now?”

“Because I will never be able to give you what you want,” Brian replied quietly, lowering his gaze.

“I told you that I don't care. Get it into your thick head: I am here to stay. You're stuck with me,” Justin whispered, before he slowly took the older man into his arms and held him tight. “You're not getting rid of me that easily.”

They held each other for several minutes and even though the brunet never said it, Justin knew Brian was feeling embarrassed for his reaction. So Justin just held him and ran a gentle hand over his shoulder blades, trying to let him know that it was okay. Justin knew how Brian tended to overreact at times and even though it happened a lot less than it used to at the beginning of their relationship, it still happened occasionally. And Justin knew that he was the one to blame for Brian's reaction because he had gone all wrong about this conversation. He couldn't blame Brian for his thoughts wandering in that direction.

“I met with Melanie because there might be a chance for you to get your freedom and... she explained the details to me and talked it over with me.”

Justin felt Brian stiffen in his arms and slowly pulled back from their hug, watching the confused expression on his partner's face.

“What?”

“When I met with my mom, she noticed that something was off and... I told her about how Melanie's and Lindsay's engagement got me thinking and...,” Justin stopped when he heard Brian sigh.

“It doesn't matter, huh?” The older man raised an eyebrow in challenge.

“No, it doesn't... I mean... yeah, it kind of does, because it's fucking unfair that we can never make the choice ourselves, but it's not like I can't be happy with you anyway. That's not what this is about though,” Justin tried to explain.

“What is it about then?”

“My mom mentioned something that day about how as your owner I was pretty much allowed to do whatever I wanted with you, but I wasn't allowed to grant you your freedom and that made no sense and... she is right. It makes no sense.”

“So that's what you talked to Melanie about?”

“I just wanted to hear her opinion about what my mom had said. I wanted her to tell me that it was absolutely crazy or that there was no way in hell that could ever work or whatever, but...”

“She didn't,” Brian finished for him quietly and plopped down on the bed. Justin quietly sat down next to him and leaned his head onto Brian's shoulder.

“She talked it over with some colleagues from New York and Washington and... I went to meet them today and they thought what my mom had said might actually work in Pennsylvania because in Pennsylvania slave laws there were no regulations that actually forbid granting freedom to a slave. They think a case asking for the right to grant freedom to a slave might actually be successful in front of a Pennsylvania court.”

“And when were you going to tell me about any of this?” Brian's voice sounded weirdly detached and Justin frowned when he pulled back to look at his boyfriend's face.

“I didn't want to get your hopes up before I knew that there was actually a chance it might work,” Justin whispered.

“So you went ahead on your own behind my back,” Brian stated dryly.

“Brian, I am telling you now,” Justin said quietly.

“After everything has already been decided by you and your new lawyer friends.”

“No, it's not like that, Brian.”

“Then what is it like?” The older man asked angrily. “You give me all this crap about us being equals and making decisions together, but when it comes to it, you go ahead and decide on your own anyway, only telling me afterwards.”

“Okay, I fucked up. I know that now,” Justin exclaimed in frustration. “What's new? I was just trying to get her legal opinion without getting your hopes up for something that might not work anyway. And now that I have her legal opinion, I am telling you.”

“Why didn't you tell me the the day you went to see Melanie? Maybe I didn't want you to even ask her...”

“Why not? This might be your only chance to get your freedom. Why would you not want me to explore that?”

“Because it's my choice and if I want it to get explored, it's for me to get it explored and not for you to do it behind my back...”

“Brian, I didn't mean to go behind your back, I... I told you... I didn't want to get your hopes up in case she would say it wouldn't work.”

“And then what? You would have never mentioned seeing her to me at all?”

“I guess,” Justin muttered and realised in that moment how that made him sound.

“So how many more meetings with people have you kept from me over the years as to not get my hopes up?” Brian asked angrily, getting off the bed and starting to pace in front of Justin. When Justin didn't reply, Brian repeated his question. “How many?”

“Brian, it's not like that... please... you're overreacting.”

“I am overreacting? Oh excuse me... my boyfriend who goes on and on about us being equals and me having a choice just told me that he basically goes behind my back to check first what choices I have and if he doesn't like them, I don't even get presented with them. Or am I getting something wrong here?”

Justin hid his face in his hands and just shook with the anger he felt at himself and at Brian. He knew he had handled this conversation all wrong, but how could Brian make such a big deal out of it?

“I fucked up, okay? I am sorry! I am so sorry I am not the perfect boyfriend you expect me to be. I am so sorry that I love you so much that I am trying to protect you from any pain and hurt because I think you've already dealt with more pain and hurt than any human being deserves to in their lives. I am soooo fucking sorry I am trying to do the right thing for you and …,” Justin stopped then when he felt Brian pull away his hands from his face gently.

“Hey, hey, hey... calm down, okay?” The older man said quietly, having knelt down in front of Justin and looking at him from sad eyes. “I know you don't mean anything bad by doing it. I know, but...Justin, you can't protect me from everything. That is not your job. I am an adult and we're in a relationship. That means there will be things we'll have to face together and sometimes there'll be things I'll have to face on my own just like there are things you'll have to face on your own at times.”

Brian ran a gentle hand down Justin's cheek and caressed it tenderly. “I know you're doing this out of love and you think you're protecting me, but... what you're really doing is taking away my right to a choice. You can't just give me a choice when you like the odds, Justin. You promised me a right to a choice and... in my understanding that includes a choice even when the odds might not be in my favour.”

Justin nodded quietly, knowing that Brian was right.

“I am sorry I got so angry, but... “

“I fucked up,” Justin whispered, looking up at Brian from sad eyes and he couldn't help but chuckle when Brian just nodded.

“You know how hard it is for me to trust... you know how long it took me to trust you because of everything in my past and... I do trust you, you know that, right?” Brian asked, his voice sounding more insecure than Justin had ever heard him before.

“Yeah,” Justin muttered quietly, but with conviction. “I know.”

“When I find out that you went behind my back and... made decisions for me... It's not easy for me to deal with, Justin. I know that's my problem because it's due to my issues, but... I trust you and when I find out stuff like that, I start questioning everything and I get paranoid about what else you might have kept from me and... god, Justin... I am just fucked up and I am sorry you always have to suffer because of it.”

“But you're my fucked up boyfriend. Mine. That's all that matters to me,” Justin whispered with a gentle smile and when he saw the twinkle in Brian's hazel eyes, he leaned in and kissed him gently.

“I am sorry, Brian. I really am. I didn't mean to go behind your back.”

“I know... somewhere deep down... I know.”

They kissed a bit more and ended up lying on the bed, cuddling comfortably.

“Are we okay?” Justin asked after a comfortable silence had settled between them.

When Brian nodded, Justin let out a sigh of relief.

“I am sorry for overreacting.”

“No, you were right. I should have told you. I know that... I am just...overprotective sometimes.”

“I guess I should be grateful to have a partner that cares so much about me that he goes to such lengths to protect me,” Brian whispered, gently running his fingertips over Justin's arms, making the small hairs on it stand up.

“So, Melanie thinks this might actually work?” Brian asked quietly after a couple more minutes of silence in which Justin had snuggled closer into the older man.

“Yeah... she and her colleagues from New York and Washington think there's a good chance for success. Just imagine that, Brian... you getting your freedom and us being able to do what we want to do. You being able to do what you want to do. No more following society's stupid norms and rules...”

“Hey hey, don't get too ahead of yourself, twat,” Brian chuckled, secretly loving Justin's enthusiasm on his behalf. He turned around so he was lying on his side and facing Justin.

“There's gonna be a huge price to pay for that,” Brian said seriously, his gaze meeting Justin's.

“Don't worry about the money, Brian,” Justin immediately started, but Brian stopped him there, slowly shaking his head.

“I didn't mean the money.”

“Oh,” just escaped Justin's mouth and when he lowered his eyes, Brian knew that Justin knew what he was refering to.

“Melanie told you?”

Justin just nodded, then ran his hand through Brian's auburn hair. “We'll have to talk about that and what it'll mean for us,” he said seriously.

“In the end it's your decision anyway,” Brian sighed, turning back onto his back.

“Brian, don't say that. This is a decision you'll have to make. I can't make a decision that big for you.”

“Of course you can. That fucking piece of paper in your top desk drawer says so,” Brian muttered dejectedly.

“Hey, Brian and Justin, remember? I would never make a decision like that for you. This has to be your decision and Brian,” Justin started, carefully lifting himself up on his elbow, so he could look into Brian's hazel eyes that were a picture of fear, misery and confusion, “whatever you'll decide. I'll be by your side.”

“Whatever I'll decide?” Brian raised an eyebrow.

“Whatever you'll decide,” Justin promised. “If you want to do this, we'll do it and I'll be by your side every step of the way. If you don't, I'll understand that as well and will accept it and we'll just continue as before. We've made it so far, we've made it work for years now... why shouldn't we continue like that?”

“They'll come after us, you know that?” Brian eyed Justin from trepidant eyes.

“I know,” Justin whispered his reply. “Let them. We have nothing to hide!”

“Justin, this might impact your business in a big way. Your company, everything you've worked for,” Brian pointed out.

“I don't care!”

“Don't lie to me and don't lie to yourself. How can you not care? You've built that company all by yourself.”

“It's just a company, Brian... and really, you know I mostly work with anti-slavery groups. They will be on our side anyway. And anyone who doesn't like it, well... I wouldn't want to work with them anyway,” Justin said heatedly before his voice became more tender. “I am more worried about you.”

“Me?”

“Melanie said they would come after you and... your past... as a pleasure slave. They would paint you as a whore and... they will bring up the things that happened at Sapperstein's...”

Brian's head whipped around and he eyed Justin from fiery hazel eyes. “Did you tell her?”

“No, I didn't,” Justin said quietly. “I would never betray you like that.”

“How does she know?”

Justin looked at Brian sadly. “She doesn't know exactly what happened, but... she's been working for anti-slavery groups long enough to know that something has happened. She knows Sapperstein and his reputation and... she saw you that day when she picked you up. She's not stupid.”

Brian sighed deeply, but in the end just nodded.

“They will also come after us and... Gus,” Justin continued quietly. “She told me that we need to be prepared for that.”

“After Gus?” Brian turned a questioning gaze at his boyfriend. “What has he got to do with anything?”

“Melanie said they will come after us, after you, they will try to destroy you and... that means they will also come after everything we hold dear.”

“Our friends, family... and Gus,” Brian sighed, hiding his head in his pillow letting out a muffled scream of frustration.

“Don't be angry, but... Melanie spoke to Lindsay and they will support you, Brian. The whole family will support you,” Justin gently ran his hand up and down Brian's arm in a soft caress.

Brian kept his head hidden under his pillow for the longest time, before he angrily threw it away, not looking at Justin when he spoke next. Justin could hear the tears and frustration in his boyfriend's voice and it broke his heart. “I am not going to do it. I will not let them come after Gus. I will not.”

“Brian, please...,” Justin started, but was interrupted by Brian right away.

“You said it was my choice. This is my choice. I will not let them come after my son, so the answer is no.”

“I do understand you, I just want you to know what Melanie said. She said Gus has four loving parents and a whole family of grandmas, aunts and uncles that love him. He will be fine, no matter what. Don't... just base your choice on him, okay?”

“Who else would I base it on?”

“Yourself! The one person it should be about and the one person that matters. This might be your one chance to gain your freedom. Don't just give it up because you think you owe it to Gus. He wouldn't want you to,” Justin whispered. “For once in your life, please think of yourself and make the choice you want for yourself. Don't worry about Gus or me or the family or us. Just think about yourself and what you want! Promise me, Brian.”

“I can't promise that,” Brian whispered, “You know that.”

Justin nodded in acceptance, knowing that Brian was right. Brian would never be egoistical enough to make a choice based on himself and his feelings when it involved repercussions for the people he loved the most.

“You're a good man, Brian. You would have deserved so much better in life.”

Justin felt tears run down his face as strong arms engulfed him and pulled him closer. He happily snuggled into the taller body of his boyfriend, knowing that for now there would be no changing his mind. And if he was honest with himself, he hadn't imagined anything less or different from Brian, no matter how much he might have hoped for a different outcome.

He himself would want Brian to fight for his freedom, he himself would want Brian to grab this one chance at freedom he had, but he had known right away in Melanie's office what Brian's answer would be. Brian would never agree to something that would harm Gus or him. Brian loved them both enough to give up his own freedom, so they would not be harmed by anyone who might come after them if Brian went ahead with this case. How could Justin not love this man who was so selfless and caring? How could he not? Justin vowed to himself that he would shower Brian in his love because that was what the older man deserved after the sacrifice he had just made for him and Gus.